Author: ahbtest

Dr. B – How are things going with you and your son?

Parent A – I think our Band of Brothers bond is weakening.

Dr. B – What’s going on?

Parent A – My guess is that when I gave up electronics along with him, we got away from the “do as I say, not as I do” dad thing temporarily.

Dr. B – But not so now?

Parent A – It’s like you said. The motivation formula reads more like

Motivation (for school) = (Dad wants you to work harder in school) x (Dad thinks you are perfectly capable of working harder).

Dr. B – That doesn’t sound like the original intent of the formula.

Parent A – It is not my intent for it to be a control struggle. What am I doing wrong?

Dr. B – Don’t beat up on yourself too much. The bind you are describing is not unusual.

Parent A – What do you mean?

Dr. B – You believe your son is not putting in his full effort in school and your son alternates between saying that isn’t true or that school doesn’t matter. Is that a fair summary?

Parent A – Sure.

Dr. B – You know your son, his ability and his history, so your assessment is probably correct.

Parent A – Thank you. But where are you headed?

Dr. B – You are conflicted about his lack of effort and his future, but your son is not. If he was, he would work harder.

Parent A – Explain what you mean by “conflicted”.

Dr. B – If you want that cherry pie for dessert but know you shouldn’t eat it, you are conflicted. If you know you should mow the lawn, but don’t want to, you are conflicted.

Parent A – But my son doesn’t crave an extra slice of school.

Dr. B – That’s right. He has convinced himself that he is not interested or doesn’t need it. Kind of like you convincing yourself you don’t like cherry pie or that longer grass is good for your lawn. 

Parent A – Not sure your analogies are working for me.

Dr. B – You said your son used to enjoy school. But emptying himself of his academic ambitions frees him from being conflicted about not trying.

Parent A – You think he sat down one day and planned this?

Dr. B – No, I think adolescent boys are good at avoiding anything that can be humiliating or frustrating. No planning is needed. It’s their default mode.

Parent A – What has this got to do with my struggles with him?

Dr. B – You are conflicted because he is not working harder in school. But that conflict should be in him.

Parent A – So when I try to question him about it, the conflict is between us?

Dr. B – Yeah. It becomes a parent-child control struggle. Instead of a struggle inside of him.

Parent A – How do I get that conflict or ambition or whatever inside of him?

Dr. B – When he says his B’s are good enough, you can curiously ask about that (attitude). When he says school is not important, you can ask him to elaborate on that as well.

Parent A – He’ll just view that as manipulation.

Dr. B – It’s difficult to set aside your agenda and just be genuinely curious.

Parent A – I’d rate it more like impossible.

Dr. B – Start with something like this: “Of course, I want you to give more effort in school. But I don’t want it to be the result of me forcing you to. Let’s take a step back and have you help me understand how you think and feel about stuff like learning and goals. And any time you think I’m being manipulative, point it out and I will try to stop being that way.”

Parent A – That still sounds manipulative.

Dr. B – Dropping your agenda and just being genuinely curious is hard to do. But I’m sure your son will help you get there. Your ultimate goal is for your son to figure out what he wants, not how to oppose what you want.

Parent A – You make it sound like it should be easily done.

Dr. B – If it were easy, I’d be out of a job.

(pause)

Parent A – He says he doesn’t WANT but I wonder if he worries about whether he CAN.

Dr. B – I think it would be okay to toss that formula out for discussion.

Parent A – The best defense against loss is to say you never wanted it anyway. My bet is that’ll be his response.

Dr. B – When things aren’t going well, take the focus off of him and put it …

Parent A – (overlapping) On myself. I’ve sure been guilty of coasting and avoidance – for those very reasons.

Dr. B – A little self-disclosure never hurts.

Parent A – You really think these talks will be helpful?

Dr. B – Coasting involves not thinking about what you want. Sometimes labeling the defense is the first step in …

Parent A – (overlapping) In ruining it as a defense.

Dr. B – Yeah. Something like that.

Parent A – My patience is at an end. I’m tired of these indirect approaches to my son’s lack of effort in school.

Dr. B – What would you like to do?

Parent A – Besides sit him down in the kitchen each night and check his homework? Take away the video games. Take away his phone …

Dr. B – Kind of like a reeducation camp?

Parent A – Your sarcasm is not welcome. I’m really frustrated.

Dr. B – I can tell. Your impulse is to take away the games and toys. Do you think those interfere with school?

Parent A – If he spends that many hours gaming and using his phone, how can he get any work done?

Dr. B – So there seems to be a direct relationship between hours spent playing and lack of hours spent working?

Parent A – Yeah. I think it’s obvious.

Dr. B – So it is not just a correlation; it’s causal?

Parent A – What are you getting at with this ‘correlation is not causation’ stick?

Dr. B – So you know what I’m asking?

Parent A – Yeah. You’re questioning whether the time spent gaming causes the lack of effort in school. Or you are wondering whether he wants to avoid school and video gaming is a good way to do that?

Dr. B – I could not have said it more clearly.

Parent A – What do you propose I do then, Sir Isaac?

Dr. B – A body at play in a video game tends to stay at play?

Parent A – Yeah. You got it.

Dr. B – Well, why don’t you let your son in on your theory and test it?

Parent A – What do you mean?

Dr. B – I assume if you tell your son that you think his gaming causes him to neglect his school work, he will dispute that?

Parent A – For sure.

Dr. B – So, ask him to prove it.

Parent A – How do I do that?

Dr. B – Ask him to design an experiment that tests your hypothesis.

Parent A – So what is he going to do? Stop playing video games for a week as well as not studying to prove me wrong?

B – I don’t know. You’re saying there’s going to be experimenter bias? I think it would be interesting to see what he comes up with.

Parent A – Ok. I’ll do that.

(two weeks later)

Dr. B – You are back. What did you and your son come up with?

Parent A – Well, my son may be an unmotivated student, but he will make a good lawyer someday.

Dr. B – Ha. I can’t wait to hear this.

Parent A – Naturally, he did not buy the notion that video gaming caused him to neglect school. He just said, “School is not that important and he’s doing good enough”.  I wanted to jump in and ask more about the not important and good enough comments, but I decided to stick with the lab experiment.

Dr. B – So what did you guys come up with?

Parent A – He said the idea was lame, but if it would help calm me down (which I took to mean shut me up), then he would go along with it – under one condition. Whatever he had to do, I had to do.

Dr. B – Smart kid.

Parent A – We agreed that we would both go one week without electronics.

Dr. B – Cold Turkey? No way!

Parent A – See what a father’s love can do?

Dr. B – A father’s last desperate act is what I would label it. Anyway. Can’t wait to hear how this turned out. Who caved first?

Parent A – We agreed to two half hour slots when we could check our mail and texts. Otherwise, we put our gear in a Tupperware Tub and gave it to the Warden.

Dr. B – You guys really were serious. How did you both get your real-life work done?

Parent A – I used the computer at work and he did the same at school.

Dr. B – Geez. This is like an Iron Man Competition.

Parent A – We both followed through with the challenge.

Dr. B – And the results?

Parent A – I rediscovered my interest in reading books and writing.

Dr. B – And your son?

Parent A – He got his old Lego’s out and built some pretty amazing contraptions.

Dr. B – So, no change in the school work effort?

Parent A – Not that I could tell. And not that he willingly admitted.

Dr. B – Did you really think if you took his video games away he’d go rushing back into the arms of his Algebra book?

Parent A – Not when you say it like that.

Dr. B – So where does that leave you?

Parent A – Well, he proved me wrong on the causation thing, I guess, but something interesting came of it. We kind of have a little bond going, having both survived the week in the electronic desert.

Dr. B – Kind of a Band of Brother’s war buddies’ bond?

Parent A – Whatever, it’s allowed us to talk more openly about school and effort.

Dr. B – Wow. Who’da thought.

Parent A – Obviously you didn’t.

Dr. B – How’s the father-son golf connection?

Parent A – Golfing has been fun. My son is already better than I am.

Dr. B – It pays to learn a sport the right way from the start.

Parent A – Instead of paying to unlearn and relearn all my self-taught strokes?

Dr. B – Exactly. And your son is still passionate about golf?

Parent A – Yeah. It may even be interfering with his video gaming.

Dr. B – Ha. Good.

Parent A – If you say so. But nothing has moved the dial on school.

Dr. B – You’re impatient?

Parent A – Well beyond impatient.

Dr. B – Do you think it shows?

Parent A – It must. My son will say something every once in a while, like, “Not everyone needs to go to Harvard, Dad”. Just out of the blue. So, I’m obviously leaking, even if I’m trying to hold it back.

Dr. B – Your son reads you like a book.

Parent A – If only he cracked a real book.

Dr. B – I can tell that this watchful waiting method isn’t working.

Parent A – I have to admit, I’m appreciating how much effort and analysis my son is putting into golf (pause) and gaming.

Dr. B – It’s good you are recognizing that.

Parent A – But I’m just really impatient to see the leap to more practical pursuits, like school.

Dr. B – It sounds like you are itching to talk more directly about school, despite the land mines.

Parent A – I don’t know whether it is for his benefit or mine to unload all my worrying.

Dr. B – That’s an interesting observation. I don’t think you are going to do anything bad by talking about school.

Parent A – How do I go about it without him being defensive or me being a real d …

Dr. B – (overlapping) … pushy and insensitive?

Parent A – Yeah. That too.

Dr. B – I’ve heard you complement his effort with golf. He obviously works to improve his gaming skills. I’d start with those observations.

Parent A – What do you mean?

Dr. B – Do you think you can genuinely admire his efforts in those two areas?

Parent A – With the golf? Absolutely.

Dr. B – Just be curious about where that effort comes from. How does he overcome setbacks? Why is he not discouraged by losses or bad shots?

Parent A – Then I can bring up school?

Dr. B – You can ask him about the difference in effort between school and the sports. Or you can comment on the fact that he applies similar skills to improve in each of those sports.

Parent A – You know. You are right. He won’t read a book, but he’ll spend hours reading about his gaming.

Dr. B – And golf is a game of physics, geometry and math.

Parent A – And both sports involve analyzing losses and areas of weakness.

Dr. B – You are on a roll. You may want to stick with those generalizable skills and not talk about school directly.

Parent A – He’ll know what I am up to.

Dr. B – In that case, own up to your worries and their bases.

Parent A – You mean my own history of coasting?

Dr. B – Exactly. Tell him what you did or didn’t do and what you figured out about yourself.

Parent A – He’ll just say, “That’s you Dad, not me”.

Dr. B – That’s okay. The value of your frontal assault method is the labeling of coasting. That alters things for your son.

Parent A – How so?

Dr. B – Instead of the coasting or avoidance happening automatically, without thought, he will now begin to recognize when he is doing it. Or not doing it

Parent A – Ah. A Jedi mind trick?

Dr. B – No. Common sense.

Parent A – I’ll run with that.

Parent A – Frankly, I got nowhere with my coasting talk (with my son).

Dr. B – What happened?

Parent A – I tried to do what you said and just be curious. But as far as not having an agenda? I think it leaked out.

Dr. B – What do you mean?

Parent A – Our talk quickly became an argument about me just wanting to hassle him about his grades.

Dr. B – Kids know when you have an agenda.

Parent A – I was trying my best not to, but the more we got into it the more I realized he was right. My goal for talking was to get him more motivated with school.

Dr. B – I know you know this, but what is the magic formula for motivation?

Parent A – Is this some of my own medicine?

Dr. B – What do you mean?

Parent A – A dose of humiliation?

Dr. B – I’m sorry. That was not my intent. Seriously, let’s start with the formula. It will serve a useful purpose. I promise.

Parent A – Motivation = (I want) x (I can)

Dr. B – Ideally, you would like that formula to be working for your son in school, right?

Parent A – Of course.

Dr. B – What parts of this formula are working and not working?

Parent A – He obviously doesn’t WANT it. At least he says he doesn’t care about school. As far as the CAN part. I’m not sure.

Dr. B – What’s your best guess?

Parent A – Well, I know he CAN but I’m not sure he believes that.

Dr. B – What do you mean?

Parent A – Well, it’s like we talked about earlier. I don’t know about girls, but boys that age don’t like to look bad in comparison with other boys, whether it is trying and failing or succeeding and making others look bad.

Dr. B – Yeah. Comparisons can be humiliating. What do you think is going on with your son?

Parent A – When he was a little kid, he loved school and was eager to learn.

Dr. B – So you are not certain you believe him when he says he doesn’t really WANT school?

Parent A – Oh, I believe he’s convinced himself of that. But it’s a sad change from the way he used to be.

Dr. B – And how about the CAN part of the equation?

Parent A – He’s a smart kid. I know he can do anything.

Dr. B – But does he believe that?

Parent A – I’m not sure.

Dr. B – Coasting is very functional for many boys that age. If they empty themselves of the wanting – the ambition – then they are free from trying and coming up short or feeling bad about not trying. It really is an elegant defense.

Parent A – You are admiring a problem behavior?

Dr. B – All behaviors have a functional purpose, regardless of how they look to others.

Parent A – I’ll take your word for that. So, I’m back to square one with my son.

Dr. B – There is no such thing as a “one and done” in parenting. When you make a mistake you can always take comfort in the fact that you’ll get another chance.

Parent A – There’ll be another game with more at-bats?

Dr. B – It’s a long season. He’s not even thirteen yet.

Parent A – So what do you suggest?

Dr. B – Let’s get back to your agenda. Is it to get your son’s grades up or encourage him to give his best effort?

Parent A – He doesn’t have to get straight A’s, but I would like him to give his best effort.

Dr. B – In school?

Parent A – Isn’t that what we are talking about?

Dr. B – Well, from where I stand, when it comes to school, the motivation equation looks more like

(Dad wants) x (Dad assumes I can).

Parent A – Kind of like zero squared.

Dr. B – Is there such a thing? 

Parent A – So I have a big Impossible Burger here.

Dr. B – For now, grades mean more to you than your son. What’s important to him? What is he passionate about?

Parent A – Video games and more recently golf.

Dr. B – Golf? That’s fantastic. Do you like golf?

Parent A – A good round is finding more balls than I lost.

Dr. B – Remember the mantra, “Join them in their world”?

Parent A – How could I forget. I’m surprised it isn’t on the side of your car.

Dr. B – What’s it going to be? Video games or golf?

Parent A – Why?

Dr. B – Grades are important, but they can wait.

Parent A – Says who?

Dr. B – Hear me out. You want your son to give his full effort. But school isn’t where that is going to happen. At least right now. But he does want …

Parent A – Video games and golf. So, I’m taking up golf?

Dr. B – It doesn’t matter where it happens, just so it happens.

Parent A – You mean golf instead of school?

Dr. B – You want your son to find something he is passionate about and goes after with his best effort.

Parent A – And just let school take care of itself?

Dr. B – Golf can be a good first step.

Parent A – We need to talk some more about this coasting problem.

Dr. B – With you or your son?

Parent A – Very funny. With my son.

Dr. B – You said when you were his age, you coasted through school?

Parent A – That doesn’t make it okay.

Dr. B – When did you stop coasting and start pedaling?

Parent A – Not ‘til the end of college.

Dr. B – So academics weren’t your highest priority even in college?

Parent A – They ranked somewhere after girlfriend, sports and job.

Dr. B – So what changed?

Parent A – I did my student teaching and I took that job very seriously.

Dr. B – Why?

Parent A – I was responsible for teaching all those kids. I was very motivated to do my best.

Dr. B – And your coasting went away after that?

Parent A – No, but classes I enjoyed or chose, I worked hard in.

Dr. B – So what have you figured out about coasting?

Parent A – In my life? Responsibility, interest, and enjoyment override coasting.

Dr. B – And why do you think you choose to coast at other times?

Parent A – Hmmm. (pause) I don’t like being told what to do. (pause) I need to see a purpose for what I am doing. (pause) I don’t like being judged and compared with others. (pause) Oh … and I don’t like having to do stuff on somebody else’s schedule.

Dr. B – Is that why you are self-employed?

Parent A – Ha. Yeah. Probably.

Dr. B – You understand a lot about your own coasting history. How about your son?

Parent A – I don’t want to be a “do as I say, not as I did” dad, … but I also don’t want him to waste time like I did.

Dr. B – You said you didn’t want to be judged and compared. I think that’s common in kids. Especially as they’re approaching adolescence.

Parent A – You think that’s why my son spends more time on video games than homework?

Dr. B – Remember the magic formula for motivation?

Parent A – Yeah. Motivation = (I want) x (I can).

Dr. B – So when you were in middle school or high school, how well did the “want” and “can” parts of the equation work for you?

Parent A – Not so well. I think I was often multiplying by zero. (pause) Speaking of zero. We have spent zero time talking about my son and his coasting.

Dr. B – But we learned a lot about your coasting.

Parent A – So I need to do the same with my son?

Dr. B – It’s always good to think more deeply about what we’re doing.

Parent A – Or not doing.

Dr. B – Exactly.

Parent – I really hate when I see pushy parents.

Dr. B – Kids with their parents’ hand prints on their backs?

Parent – Sometimes I worry if I don’t push, my son won’t give his best effort.

Dr. B – Like in school?

Parent – Yeah. He gets mostly “B’s” and tells us that’s “above average” and “good enough”.

Dr. B – What are you worried about?

Parent – I don’t like making a fuss over grades. But if he has time to play video games a couple of hours a day, he can be doing better than getting “B’s”.

Dr. B – So, you say your son is just coasting in school. Not giving his full effort?

Parent – Coasting? Yeah. That word captures it. He’s just coasting.

Dr. B – What would you like to happen?

Parent – I wish he had a little more ambition. A little more drive.

Dr. B – Sounds like he has plenty of ambition in the video gaming world. So, the academic ambition is in you but not your son?

Parent – Seems that way. Got any suggestions?

Dr. B – What kind of student were you at that age?

Parent – Pretty much the same. B student.

Dr. B – Fair to say you kind of coasted too?

Parent – Yeah.

Dr. B – Do you regret that?

Parent – I guess I wish my parents or teachers had been a little more aware of my coasting.

Dr. B – How would that have helped?

Parent – I guess I could have used a little more encouragement.

Dr. B – What kind of encouragement?

Parent – I don’t know? Recognize I had more potential. Higher expectations.

Dr. B – You doubted yourself?

Parent – I probably didn’t trust I could compete. I guess that’s a fear of failure. I don’t know. I do know that when I got that kind of encouragement in sports it really helped with my confidence.

Dr. B – So what would you like to do with your son?

Parent – What do you suggest?

Dr. B – Maybe you should just find out about what he thinks of school, himself, his interests, his ambitions. Just get to know him better so you can understand the basis for the B’s.

Parent – How do I do that without leaving handprints?

Dr. B – Just be curious and genuinely interested in understanding him. 

Parent – I don’t want to come across as manipulative.

Dr. B – Being curious about effort and grades doesn’t have to be manipulative.

Parent – What do you mean?

D. B – Chances are, your son tries not to think about these things, so just being curious and getting him to talk more about them will give both of you insight about effort and ambition, or lack of it.

(silence)

Dr. B (cont.) – Coasting or avoidance doesn’t fit with big ambitions. Go in search of what your son is passionate about and what he enjoys. Does he have dreams about the future?

Parent – So just get him talking?

Dr. B – That’s a good start. It’s a beginning.

Parent – Is that it? All I need to do?

Dr. B – Leaving handprints on their backs is not a formula for raising kids who are self-directed and think deeply about themselves and what they want.

Parent – And coasting?

Dr. B – Coasting is a form of avoidance, probably done rather automatically without much thought.

Parent – So I need to ask him about his coasting?

Dr. B – Coasting exists to avoid loss, frustration, comparisons. In other words, humiliation. So, you need to be mindful of that. Asking directly about coasting can be a good wake up call for some kids, but for many it would make them feel defensive.

Parent – Because it would be humiliating.  So how do I challenge the coasting?

Dr. B – You want him to challenge the coasting. And that comes when passion and interests move him. In other words, ambition.

Parent – So being curious about him and his ideas stirs up his ambition?

Dr. B – Makes it harder to avoid.

Parent – How about the threats he is avoiding? The failure or humiliation.

Dr. B – If he shares his reasons for avoiding, ask him to talk about them. Most threats are more manageable than we give them credit.

Parent – You mean the world doesn’t end if you strike out with the bases loaded to end the game?

Dr. B – We can work on your issues some other time. Don’t get hung up on an agenda. Just be curious and get him talking about his ideas.

Parent – Even if it is video gaming?

Dr. B – Well, he is obviously ambitious about getting better at his video gaming. If you are curious about the gaming, you will learn a lot about your son and what motivates him; and why he is willing to tolerate failures as he strives to improve.

Parent – The old “join them in their world” thing again?

Dr. B – Funny how that keeps showing up. 

Parent – And your “Analyze Before You Act” mantra? Where’s that?

Dr. B – Your son is not analyzing OR acting. That’s what you need to be curious about.

Parent A – I’m trying not to think of my kid as lazy. But his behavior … it’s lazy behavior.

Dr. B – What are you asking?

Parent A – I get the “It’s the behavior, not (character of) the kid” thing. But … what am I supposed to do with that? I’m still just as fed up with him.

Dr. B – So, is his “lazy behavior” showing up everywhere?

Parent A – Everywhere with a “should” attached.

Dr. B – So, he’s lazy when it comes to doing everything, he “should” do?

Parent A – Yeah. And don’t start riffing on when I started my taxes.

Dr. B – Well good. You’ve narrowed the scope.

Parent A – I’d hardly call that narrow. Isn’t that what makes someone lazy? They don’t do what they are supposed to do?

Dr. B – So, we are agreed that he is not lazy when it comes to what he wants.

Parent A – Now you are going to remind me that the Motivation equation has (I want) instead of (he wants).

Dr. B – I’m glad you’ve embraced that concept.

Parent A – Embraced? How about “swallowed”.

Dr. B – Whatever. When you move away from viewing him as lazy and start examining his behavior, that is a step in the right direction.

Parent A – And what direction is that?

Dr. B – All behavior has a purpose; regardless how screwy it seems.

Parent A – Screwy? Is that a term you learned in grad school?

Dr. B – Avoidance is a behavior.

Parent A – No it’s not.

Dr. B – I avoided responding to your ‘grad school’ comment. That was a choice of how to act.

Parent A – Ok. So, we’ll think of avoidance as a behavior. So what?

Dr. B – If you start with the assumption that all behavior has a purpose, then you can set about trying to figure out what that purpose is.

Parent A – As in I hate doing my taxes and my son hates doing his homework?

Dr. B – In your case, we’d want to know why you waited until April 14^th to start, instead of March 14^th. And why you chose to do the same amount of work on October 14^th.

Parent A – Are we going to analyze when I unload the dishwasher and when I take out the trash?

Dr. B – Only if it is causing problems in your marriage.

Parent A – Whether I do my taxes in April or October doesn’t hurt anything. But if my son puts off doing his school work until the last minute, he is not giving his best effort. He is not learning as much. He is not working up to his potential. And he is …

Dr. B – On the road to ruin?

Parent A – Now that was not very professional. Do we need to examine that?

Dr. B – You are right. That was not appropriate. I should have said, “It sounds like you are worried about the long-term consequences of this behavior style”.

Parent A – Let’s go with “Road to Ruin” because that captures how I feel sometimes.

Dr. B – You want to move him from (You want) to (He wants), but you can’t.

Parent A – Sometimes I CAN’T get what I WANT from you.

Dr. B – Touché. What I was trying to say is, you will need to help your son discover what purpose the avoidance serves if he is going to …

Parent A – Avoid all is avoidance?

Dr. B – Ha. Yeah.

Parent A – I’m sure that is a discussion he will avoid.

Dr. B – You’ve got your work cut out for you. But shifting your focus to analyzing behavior and away from worrying about your son’s flawed character is a step in the right direction.

Parent A – I’ll try to make that seem like a compliment.

Parent A – All your strategies for how to talk to kids. They aren’t worth …

Dr. B – (overlapping) … I got it. What’s going on?

Parent A – It’s what’s not going on. He doesn’t do his chores. He doesn’t clean up his room. He waits ‘til the last minute to start his homework.

Dr. B – No chores. No work. Kind of like being on a cruise.

Parent A – Cruising for a bruising.

Dr. B – I’m mandated to report child abuse.

Parent A – This isn’t child abuse. It’s parent abuse. I’ve had it with this kid. He’s just so damn lazy.

Dr. B – Lazy? As in character trait “Lazy”?

Parent A – Yeah. I think he’s just “lazy”.

Dr. B – Like your ne’re do well beer drinking Cub fan, Uncle Bill?

Parent A – Yeah. That’s where he’s headed.

Dr. B – Being a Cub fan is no way to live.

Parent A – I’m serious. I’m worried about him.

Dr. B – Are you worried about him or his laziness?

Parent A – Huh?

Dr. B – Is lazy just who he is or is he being lazy?

Parent A – What’s the difference?

Dr. B – One is about the character of the person. The other is a behavior he’s choosing.

Parent A – As in, “I love you, but I don’t love what you are doing”?

Dr. B – Exactly.

Parent A – Well. In this case, I think he’s lazy and a little less lovable. (pause) And I don’t want a reminder of your motivation equation.

Dr. B – You mean the (I want) x (I can) one?

Parent A – If he CAN do it but doesn’t WANT to, isn’t that lazy?

Dr. B – How do you define “lazy”?

Parent A – Not doing what you need to do. Or when you need to do it?

Dr. B – When did you start your taxes this year?

Parent A – What’s that got to do with anything?

Dr. B – Are you avoiding my question?

Parent A – I started my taxes on April 14^th. And, yes, I filed for an extension.

Dr. B – So does that make you lazy?

Parent A – No. I had other stuff I was doing. I just kept putting it off.

Dr. B – You don’t enjoy doing your taxes.

Parent B – Who does?

Dr. B – Nobody likes doing taxes … or homework … or chores.

Parent B – What’s your point?

Dr. B – “Lazy” is a pretty harsh label. Even if you try to keep it to yourself, your son will know you think of him that way.

Parent A – So you ARE going to report me.

Dr. B – Ha. You and every other frustrated parent.

Parent A – Again. What is your point?

Dr. B – I think “avoidant” is a better label for the behavior we are talking about, whether it’s taxes or chores or homework.

Parent A – Ok. So, you are rebranding. What’s the big deal?

Dr. B – You are not a lazy person. You just choose to avoid doing your taxes.

Parent A – So, you’re saying, “It’s the behavior, stupid”, not the person?

Dr. B – Geez. You are incorrigible.

Parent A – There you go. Attacking my character.

Dr. B – How’s your son doing with his butterfly garden?

Parent A – It’s all he talks about.

Dr. B – That’s great.

Parent A – Is this the path to passion and purpose you were talking about?

Dr. B – He’s only ten, isn’t he?

Parent A – But aren’t we supposed to be encouraging the development of passion and purpose?

Dr. B – I’m not sure what you are asking.

Parent A – You commented on how great it was that my daughter was finding her sweet spot of passion and purpose with her climate change activities.

Dr. B – Did you lead her to that?

Parent A – No. She did that all on her own.

Dr. B – She found it, but you supported it.

Parent A – You mean, I didn’t get in the way. Like when she got in trouble in school?

Dr. B – You listened with genuine interest. You recognized how important climate change was for her. You helped her think of effective ways to channel her strong feelings. You provided safety and support for an immerging source of passion and purpose.

Parent A – So, you are saying I did more than just not get in the way.

Dr. B – She easily could have been discouraged, especially after getting in trouble for the cafeteria stunt.

Parent A – What am I supposed to be doing for my son?

Dr. B – Well, you gave up a good size chunk of your lawn for his butterfly garden. And you provided him with tools and plants and advice.

Parent A – Am I supposed to use the butterfly garden to raise his consciousness about climate change?

Dr. B – Wow. Your daughter has really raised your consciousness.

Parent A – Yeah. It used to be, “We ought to do something about (climate change)”.

Dr. B – And now?

Parent A – It’s, “Dad, do you realize what your carbon footprint is? What are you going to do about it?”

Dr. B – Ha. Is that good or bad?

Parent A – Oh, I think it is for the good. She’s forcing us to act on our beliefs.

Dr. B – So, what has changed in your behavior?

Parent A – We’ve gone from beef and pork to fish and vegetarian dishes.

Dr. B – Ah, so no more pig and cow guilt?

Parent A – It hasn’t been so bad. Actually, the changes we have made feel right. Our electricity comes from a solar co-op. We’ve started composting.  We try to use less gas. It’s all good.

Dr. B – Sounds like you just needed a nudge from your daughter.

Parent A – That and reading about all the climate change consequences playing out around the world.

Dr. B – Yeah. It’s sobering.

Parent A – So, what am I supposed to do for my son, to raise his consciousness?

Dr. B – It sounds like you are doing it. The example you set is the most powerful influence.

Parent A – So, I don’t need to explain how the butterfly, bee and bird populations are being affected by climate change?

Dr. B – You don’t have to scare him, but you can let him know how much those creatures appreciate the food he is providing them.

Parent A – Come to think of it, his big sister will probably provide him with more than enough climate change info.   

Dr. B – What has happened with your daughter’s (climate change) anger and urgency?

Parent A – She’s channeling it into action. (pause) That won’t get her expelled from school.

Dr. B – You’ve done a nice job of joining her in her world and supporting her growth.

Parent A – Joining? Growth? I just wanted her to quit blaming me for ruining the planet.

Dr. B – You are being too modest.

Parent A – Am I?

Dr. B – Instead of getting defensive, you listened and empathized. Instead of reassuring her, you acknowledged the seriousness of the problem (climate change). Instead of telling her one person can’t make a difference, you empowered her. And, instead of siding with the school when she broke the rules, you helped her analyze her actions, define her goals, and find more effective ways to achieve them.

Parent A – You are not usually this complementary.

Dr. B – What are you going to do next?

Parent A – Were you the parent who was never satisfied?

Dr. B – I’d like to think I was the parent who recognized potential and encouraged growth.

Parent A – Whatever. (pause) My daughter has inspired me.

Dr. B – With guilt?

Parent A – Forget what I said about you being complementary. I think what she has done is made the whole family much more conscious of the threat of climate change and how much it impacts our lives and my kids’ futures.

Dr. B – Sounds like you helped her make good use of her anger and urgency.

Parent A – You mean help her not get kicked out of school?

Dr. B – There’s nothing better than finding something you are passionate about AND gives you a sense of purpose.

Parent A – Passion and purpose? I guess sounding the alarm about climate change does that for her.

Dr. B – You think it’s a passing fancy?

Parent A – Not a chance.