Sam’s Meltdown

An IEBR analysis leads to making A MESS

Sam finds her voice

Readers of Childproofing for Adolescence first encounter Samantha, or Sam as she prefers, in a Psychiatric Emergency Room in the Florida Panhandle, 1500 miles from home. The police found her sitting on a sea wall in a state park, crying. The impulsive drive to Florida followed a blow-up with her best friend, who told her that her boyfriend had been cheating on her and that she was just a boring goodie-goodie who didn’t know how to have fun. Drunk for the first time in her life, she cut lose on people who took advantage of her good nature and helpfulness. She never realized how sad and angry she was until the alcohol-induced truth telling started.

Her parents wanted to take her home immediately, but the psychiatrist suggested she stay a few days, voluntarily. Sam was relieved that the doctor made the suggestion, because she really wanted the time away from family and responsibilities at home to do some serious thinking for herself.

Until twenty-four hours ago, Sam had been the perfect kid. She was editor of the yearbook, captain of the soccer team, first chair clarinet in the orchestra, and straight A student. Her mother would quickly let you know that her daughter was headed for Stanford in the fall. At least that is what everyone assumed, except Sam. Lately, she wasn’t so sure she wanted to go.

Sam was well liked and admired by her classmates. She was unselfish and humble. If anything needed to get done, Sam was whom you turned to. If you needed help, Sam was there for you. The escape to Florida was a shocker because Sam had never done anything to alarm or even disappoint her parents. In fact, she was quite adept at anticipating others’ needs and meeting them before being asked. Sam was as surprised as anyone at the anger and resentment she vented. But during the drive to Florida, she sobered up, but didn’t stop feeling angry.

Let’s take a look at how Sam’s parents responded to the great escape. Instead of being curious about what led her to act, her father assumed it was a “one-off” event due to all the pressure she was under at the end of her senior year. He wanted to bundle her up and take her home, assuming she would be fine. Sam’s mother worried that this acting out could affect her spot in the fall if Stanford got wind of it. As far as she was concerned, what happened in Florida, needed to stay in Florida. Her mother felt that Sam just needed to get back home and finish out her last semester. Needless to say, Sam’s parents did not respond to her behavior, having first done an IEBR analysis.

Behavior Sam drank for the first time and blew up at her friends. Sam impulsively drove 1500 miles to Florida without telling her parents.

Response Her father assumed she was feeling the end-of-the-year pressure. He just wanted to take her home and she would be her old self. Her mother believed it was a one-time event that will never be repeated. She preferred to pretend it never happened.

Sam’s mother had an important social event she couldn’t miss and flew home that evening. Her father relented when Sam asked to stay. After interviewing Sam, the psychiatrist produced this IEBR analysis and a different way to respond to Sam.

Issue Her mother’s love was conditional. Sam felt the need to be what her mother needed her to be: perfect. Sam idolized her father and tried to be just like him. Sam felt responsible for others’ feelings.

Emotion Although not consciously aware of it, Sam feared disappointing others. She would feel guilty and blame herself if something went wrong and others suffered.

Behavior Sam accommodated the needs of others. Sam put other people’s needs ahead of her own.

(A new and better) Response Encourage Sam to have and express her own thoughts and feelings. Catch Sam in the act of accommodating others at her own expense and ask her what she wants.

For three days, Sam was encouraged to write in her journal, anything she wanted, as long as it was her thoughts, feelings, wishes, or dreams and not someone else’s. Upon returning home, Sam told her father that she wanted to defer her spot at Stanford for a year, while she spent a year in therapy and wrote full-time under the guidance of a local author. She asked that her father tell her mother the news about Stanford.

A MESS

Despite being a straight A student, Sam reached adolescence with several developmental competencies in need of a boost. Her self-esteem was too dependent upon pleasing others. In the area of communication, she was an effective speaker and writer, but she lacked a voice of her own. It followed then that her creativity remained dormant because she was giving voice to other people’s wants and needs. She was well liked and respected, but her relationships lacked intimacy because she did not trust that she was entitled to being listened to and empathized with.

Knowing what we know now about Sam’s needs, what might we have wanted for her in childhood? Below is a fun intervention at bedtime that her father employed.

Sam’s father used bedtime as a time to help Sam develop her own voice.

Sam loved being read to as a child. One night, her father suggested that they tell a bedtime story together. One person would start the story and then after a few minutes, the other person would take over as narrator. This was enjoyable for both Sam and her father, because they never knew where the story would take them. Her father’s make A MESS intervention came when Sam deferred to him for ideas instead of coming up with her own. At those times he would encourage her to use her imagination, such as, “I like the ideas you come up with, Sam”.

Asking questions about a story they are reading provided her father with another opportunity for encouraging Sam to think for herself. Questions such as, “What will happen next?”, “Why did she do that?”, and “Can you think of a different ending?” were open ended queries and called upon Sam to elaborate with her own ideas.

Sam’s interest in making up stories evolved from telling to writing and drawing. Filling notebooks with hand written material was not a lost art in this family. All the crossed out sentences and word changes were nicely preserved as a reminder of the process of rethinking and rewriting.

When Sam asked for feedback, it usually came in the form of more open-ended questions, like, “What do you suppose she was feeling/thinking?” or “What do you think they will do next?” Questions that called upon elaboration or greater depth, rather than evaluative or judgmental critiques were always preferred.

More early opportunities

Writing workshops and writers’ groups proved to be excellent means of making A MESS of Sam’s childhood. As we saw in the assessment above, genuine self-esteem, communication and creativity were areas for emphasis prior to adolescence.

An awareness of Sam’s interest in story telling and writing led to her enrollment in a series of writing workshops for kids. During the school year the workshop was held on Saturdays in the Children’s Reading Room at the local library. But when summer arrived, there was time for weeklong workshops. A few kids, like Sam, who were repeat participants asked to be a special group of their own, which could meet more regularly during the school year. They proudly called their group the Recidivists. These girls also shared writing and ideas on line and after a couple of years, Sam could safely say that two of her closest friends were from this group of fellow writers. They were a rather remarkable mix, each coming from different schools and different ethnic or racial backgrounds. They had quite varied life experiences, but all shared a love for writing. They were also unique in their wish to support each other. The unconditional support they gave each other had something to do with the kind of girls who gravitated to this kind of activity, but it also had a lot to do with the group’s adult leader, Alicia. She always had words of encouragement, along with questions that spurred deeper thoughts and elaboration. The girls had a wonderful role model for providing each other support, even in Alicia’s absence.

Alicia began working with these girls in late grade school and by high school told them they needed to fly on their own. By then, each girl, including Sam, had a unique voice of her own in her writing. In contrast to the girl we met earlier, this version of Sam had a voice that turned out to be very funny and quite edgy. And when some fairness issue rankled her, she was a viper.

How did Sam do with regard to the developmental competencies we found lacking in our initial assessment? Her competence and confidence as a writer contributed mightily to her self-esteem. If you asked her to define herself, she would call herself, “A writer” and a member of the “Recidivist Gang”. Her friendships from this group were genuine and intimate. Not only did she communicate effectively with her own unique voice as a writer, she shared openly and emotionally with her friends and felt understood and supported by them and vice-versa. We would have to say that her journey with the Recidivists truly made A MESS of the goals of genuine self-esteem, communication, creativity and relatedness.

Can you see how Alicia helped make A MESS of Sam vis-à-vis developing her writing voice?

Mastery Goal: Finding/developing her own voice (as a writer)

Attunement Recognition that Sam’s achievements were often in the service of what others needed or expected

Mastery Sam needed to find and develop her own voice (in her writing). Her own voice would be an expression of her own thoughts, feelings, and creativity. Gaining competence as a writer would potentially be a source of genuine self-esteem.

Engagement Sam needed opportunities to explore her own thoughts and feelings, free of outside demands or expectations. That began at the hospital and then continued with her relationship with Alicia. In these contexts, she was encouraged to think her own thoughts.

Self-Soothing Initially, Sam felt sad, angry and disillusioned. However, she had no intention of simply resuming her previous “achievement in the service of others” existence. Writing could provide an outlet for expressing those feelings. Eventually, writing became a source of enjoyment and satisfaction. She could take pride in what she created, independent of whether anyone else read her work. She asked for criticism of her writing, trusting it would help her develop into a better writer. The exchanges she had with her writing peer group were open, honest, and intimate.

Although writing was the focus of the mastery sought in the A MESS process above, you can readily see that a number of developmental goals were supported as well: relating, communication, emotional competence, creativity, and genuine self-esteem.