D.J. – Starting Over

Making A MESS of D.J.’s Childhood

An Assessment

It’s a little hard to do a good assessment of D.J. the teenager because he is locked in his room and won’t talk to us. But let’s try. D.J. clearly feels the pressure of the Self vs. Relatedness Bind and he has concluded that he must sacrifice one for the other. To him, relating to others would require too much compromise of his genuine self. He could not trust that people cared about him or valued him for who he was. He feared that he had to be what other’s expected to fit in. Not for him. He’d rather live in his safe cave, holding on to his identity, than become a lemming.

That attitude does not bode well for a future of happiness or satisfying relationships. But literary license has afforded us the opportunity to learn from the adolescent D.J. and decide what developmental pieces need more attention next time around. The first obvious one is this: One should not have to feel like it is either Self or Relatedness. A healthy outcome means that the two important goals of development are compatible – even synergistic. So what do we need to focus on developmentally to help D.J. avoid the S v R Bind?

On a simple level, relatedness (REL) was a great deficiency and needs to be a primary goal for D.J. the next time around. He needs opportunities to form friendships that he finds satisfying, but based on connections that honor his interests and personality. He needs to find friends who like the person he is, who respect his interests and talents, and if possible, who share some of those interests. With that in mind, his parents can support connections that are a good fit for him, rather than trying to help him change so he fits in.

D.J. is a highly intelligent and highly sensitive kid. He does not accept change easily. He likes things a certain way, when it comes to food, clothing, noise, and stimulation in general. Consequently, D.J. is not like Neal, who is adaptable and fits in easily with others. Finding a good fit for D.J. may be a never-ending process when it comes to life, work and love. Fortunately, his parents, this time around, are not only sensitive, but willing to take a more active approach with him, instead of the wishful-waiting approach in Part 1.

An essential approach with D.J. will likely entail “Join him in his world and gently pull him into ours.” The fear of the adolescent D.J. that he did not fit and was unacceptable to others will be counteracted by parental attunement that will find ways to appreciate the kid he is, his abilities, his interests, and his temperament. As you will see in the early vignettes, his father Andy and mother, Helen, make efforts to join him in his world, whether it is engaging in fantasy play during D.J. Time, dumpster diving with dad, or joining in an engrossing Lego project. Knowing he is unconditionally loved is one thing. Knowing that he is genuinely interesting is important as well. These early experiences with his parents will be important buffers against the development of an intractable Self vs. Relatedness Bind like we found in Part 1.

But, as D.J. will so aptly point out, “Of course you find my stuff interesting. You are my parents.” His mom and dad will add to the S v R vaccination by helping him make connections with others who share his interests. Instead of trying to fit in with soccer or baseball, for which he will show little talent and no interest, they will help him find fellow soul mates who like Legos and building robots, writing software, and learning math. The adolescent D.J. had no friends, outside of his dog. This younger version of D.J., thanks to versions 2.0 of Mom and Dad, will have several good friends who find him interesting, as he does them. He will also have charismatic adults in his life who encourage growth and engagement.

So, in addition to developing healthy relatedness, his parents are supporting the development of a healthy self-esteem; genuine self-esteem (GSE) because he feels good about becoming competent in areas that he is genuinely curious about. He will know that he is loved by his family and appreciated by his friends for being himself. Geeky, quirky, sensitive D.J. will trust that there are people who find those qualities not only acceptable but also sometimes desirable. They will appreciate his ability to immerse himself deeply in projects and produce end results that are interesting and creative. He will struggle with kids who tease him or find him eccentric, but will have valuable relationships that sufficiently buffer him from the full brunt of those challenges to his self-esteem. Our hope is that as he becomes a high school aged adolescent, he will come to know who he is and be secure in that understanding. And he will have healthy and satisfying goals attached to that understanding. That will be an outcome quite different from the D.J. who won’t come out of his room in Part 1. The D.J. from Part 2 will know what he wants to master; will engage in the process of gaining that mastery; and will know how to effectively soothe himself in the process. In other words, by high school, he will be quite good at making A MESS of himself.

So what does he have to master?

The vignettes in Version 2 will focus on several important goals the adolescent D.J. left us wishing for him. First will be relating to others (REL). Secondly will be genuine self-esteem (GSE). And lastly will be emotional competence (EC) and logical thinking (LT). The adolescent D.J. avoided unbearable hurt and humiliation, as well as rage, by keeping himself isolated. Avoidance does not allow for work on anything, especially relating to others and learning emotional competence. That teenage D.J. also distorted his reality. He took isolated interactions and formed harsh assumptions about self and others. When it came to logical thinking in his personal life D.J. was a lousy scientist. The ultimate goal for D.J. is a healthy blending of genuine self with satisfying relationships (rather than a S v R Bind). Like all kids, D.J. needs developmental work in all areas of self and relatedness. But for didactic purposes, this part will focus on the developmental goals described above.

How will engagement be encouraged?

Avoidance was the adolescent D.J.’s middle name. Locked door. No email or texting. Forget about Twitter. That was for kids who could not stand to be alone, in his mind. So how will the young D.J. learn to engage and stay engaged instead of turning out like the avoidant D.J. we found earlier?

D.J. will demonstrate a quality many gifted kids possess: the ability to engage in sustained concentration when pursuing their curiosity. But that is not the engagement that concerns us with D.J. However, it will be the characteristic that will help sustain the relatedness form of engagement he needs. His parents will respect his need to sustain his engagement with projects until they are sufficiently well developed. That does wonders for intellectual growth (mastery) and GSE. But his parents will take these known interests and use them to create the scaffolding for the interpersonal (REL) work he needs to do. For example, his passion for building robots out of Legos will allow him to form lasting friendships with fellow Legotes (I made that up – if you have something better, please …). The same will occur around his love of math in school and his passion for engineering in college. But lets not get ahead of ourselves.

How will D.J. learn to soothe himself (without retreating into his cave)?

The adolescent D.J. did a good job of soothing himself. He locked his door, played his guitar, molded his clay creations, petted his dog, and played video games. What more could he need? But that D.J. was only soothed when he was apart from people. In his cave, self-soothing was less of a problem. Therefore, helping him learn to soothe himself while maintaining social engagement will be a significant goal for D.J. (well actually for his parents, because D.J. doesn’t care unless he is placed in the setting that requires him to learn these skills). But that is what good parental attunement is all about; knowing what a child needs developmentally and how to help him get there, given his temperament and abilities.

There will be a number of opportunities for D.J. to make (non)sense of his social interactions during childhood. Fortunately, these 2.0 parents will be attuned and waiting. For instance, at bedtime they may learn what sense D.J. made of playground politics and through their curiosity help him reach a broader perspective, one that includes the possible thoughts, feelings and motivations of others. In these childhood vignettes we will see the potential seeds of lasting assumptions about self and others. Yet Mom and Dad 2.0 will help him search for alternative interpretations, other than “I am rejected”, “I am ugly”, and “Most kids are @#$%’s”.

Avoidance was not just D.J.’s middle name as an adolescent. It characterized his parents as well. They were concerned and worried, but they didn’t act. In this 2.0 version of D.J.’s parents, Helen and Andy are not only sensitive and caring, but they are attuned as well. They have a better understanding of the developmental course D.J. needs to travel prior to adolescence and with that understanding are able to find good fits for accomplishing those goals, given his temperament, interests and abilities. The two of them were lucky. They found each other and were happy living together in their cave. But the 2.0 versions know that D.J. needs a much more engaged life, one where he has friends who share his interests and help him believe that he is cared for and valued for being just who he is. And D.J. can grow to be a boy who can tune into others and be a giving, loving person as well.

So, let’s get started. The teenage D.J. felt alienated from and rejected by his peers. He felt friendships were conditioned upon him becoming what others expected. In this newer version of D.J.’s childhood, his parents counter those potential outcomes by showing him genuine interest and unconditional love. In the following vignette, we get a glimpse of how that was enacted. On a regular basis, one or the other parent provided a half hour of D.J. Time. They literally joined him in his world. During that time, he got to call the shots and they did their best to be good sports and follow his directions.

Quite different from the passive, detached parent he was earlier, Dad 2.0 is quite involved, and as you can tell from the following vignette, a good sport. See if you think this fantasy play between D.J. and his dad promotes the developmental goals we listed above for D.J..

Time To Walk the Plank

“We’re pirates. You’re the good guy pirate and I’m the bad pirate,” explained D.J.

“Argh! Are we fighting over the girl?” asked Andy, pointing at Helen on the couch.

“No. You want my gold.”

“Are we sailing boat pirates? Like in the old days?”

“Yes. Swords and bows and arrows.”

“No pistols and rifles?”

“Yes, but you forgot to bring yours with.”

“That was not very smart. I should have written myself a reminder note.”

“Don’t be silly Dad. Pirates can’t read.”

“No wonder I forgot my pistol. I suppose you remembered yours.”

“I sure did. Now get up there (on the coffee table) and get ready to walk the plank,” ordered D.J.

“Don’t I get a last meal?” his father asked.

“You already had breakfast Dad.”

“I mean, like when you are going to kill me, don’t I get a last meal?”

“I’m not going to kill you. I’m going to make you walk the plank.”

“What happens when I get to the end of the plank?” his dad asked.

“You jump in the water.”

“What if I don’t want to jump?”

“Then I push you in.”

“I don’t really want your gold. You can keep it. How about we become friends?”

“Too late now. Start walking.”

“I’ll bet that water is cold and full of sharks,” Andy pleaded.

“You should have thought of that before you came to steal my gold.”

“I can take you to some more gold if you don’t make me walk the plank.”

“Quit talking and start walking.”

“I can make you blueberry pancakes with chocolate chips.”

“Me and my men are going to steal all the chocolate chips in the world.”

“But who is going to be around to make them into pancakes if you make me walk the plank?”

“I have a pancake maker (he said as he looked toward his smiling mother). Hold still while I put this on you.”

“What is that?” the good pirate asked.

“Chocolate syrup. It will make the sharks want to eat you faster.”

“You can’t throw me in without nuts and whipped cream.”

“Quit stalling. Start walking.”

“Bad guys aren’t supposed to win.”

“Too bad. Jump.”

(He turned to his wife, with a pleading look.) “You are going to let him do this?”

She just smiled and waved (good-bye).

ANALYSIS

How often do you get to be a bad guy and not have to worry about the consequences? Think the interaction was a little too Oedipal to be real? Why don’t you ask the pirate yourself? Kids need to know that we are free to have our thoughts and feelings. Everyone has bad guy thoughts. It is only bad guy behavior that needs limiting.

D.J., the pirate, was greedy, vengeful, and lacking in remorse. But what do you expect from a bad guy pirate when chocolate, gold and his mom are involved? Did you notice how his dad allowed him to act out his fantasies, without passing judgment on his “bad guy” behavior – yet playfully made him think about the consequences of what he was doing? He prompted some logical thinking (LT) that was lacking in the story, (just as kids think within narrow spheres, not always able to consider consequences simultaneously). Regardless, the logic didn’t prevent him from walking the plank.

One take away from this is the added assurance a child gets that his parents can tolerate hearing whatever thoughts and feelings he is having, disturbing as they might be. D.J. Time was also a wonderful start to creating a healthy expectation that genuine self and relatedness can coexist. D.J.’s parents enjoyed this time as much as he did, getting to know what fanciful thoughts passed through that little guy’s imagination. D. J. learned early that the people most important in his life, his mother and father, were genuinely interested in what he thought and felt. Although somewhat artificial, since at no other time in his life would he get to call all the shots, the unconditional interest felt good. This was 180 degrees from the assumptions he made as an adolescent (in Part 1 of this book) about the conditional nature of relationships. A child needs to begin childhood with a healthy sense of entitlement that they will be loved and found interesting for being who they are, not what they are expected to be. D.J. Time was a nice vaccination against a conditional world that awaited him.

Can you find components of A MESS in this vignette? Once again, Andy created the need to (engage) contemplate the impact these actions were having on someone else and how it made them feel. D.J’s father was well aware that his son was too young to integrate all the different aspects of situation simultaneously. For example, until his father brought it to his attention, having this dad walk the plank and the fact it would kill him was not registering with D.J. Walking the plank was just what pirates made people do. Helping him think more deeply about what was taking place is important exercise for a child’s “plastic” brain. But as you can see, it didn’t prevent Dad from going over the side. D.J. didn’t really want to kill his father, but engaging in fantasy is valuable for kids to work with scary thoughts and fears. Talking out loud about potentially threatening issues can be helpful and relieving. It gives the child the message that his parents can accept hearing those thoughts without becoming alarmed or condemning. And he also learns that there is an important difference between thoughts, feelings and fantasy vs. actual behavior. That can be blurred for many kids such that they feel the need to shut down the former because they fear it inevitably leads to the latter. Additionally, this can lead to the development of empathy as D.J. considers how others are feeling.

The father’s attunement led to the MESS. In this case, important mastery work was done in the areas of emotional competence and relatedness. What better way to do it than via engagement and soothing afforded in D.J. Time?

This was a delightful story, unencumbered by judgment and criticism. Too often, efforts at correcting spelling, word choice, grammar, or simple logic can undermine  the creativity (C/V) taking place. When kids begin to focus on avoiding judgment and criticism, their focus on creativity diminishes with it.

D.J. and Dad Go Dumpster Diving

By his mother’s measure, sometimes D.J. and his father abused their creativity license – like when they went dumpster diving.

“What’s with all the sawdust? I didn’t hear the saw running,” D.J.’s mom asked.

“Dad and I went diving, Mom,” D.J. explained.

“You did what? Looks like you have been swimming in sawdust,” she observed, directing her husband and son to pause in the foyer while she fetched the vacuum.

Without the roar of the vacuum, the story could continue.

“We went dumpster diving, Mom. It was cool. Dad lifted me up and tossed me in.”

“Andy …”

“Don’t worry. We were careful,” Andy explained.

“Start from the beginning. I thought you two went to the model airplane store,” Mom said.

“We started out there, Mom, but it was just a bunch of kits. And they cost a lot of money.”

“And”

“We decided we could make our own stuff. We didn’t need kits. So we bought some more duct tape and left.”

“And”

Andy explained, “One of the guys at work said the factory north of town that makes model cars and airplanes has a big dumpster full of scrap balsa and plywood.”

“And”

“And we went to check it out.”

“We sure did Mom. The whole (car) trunk is full of wood.”

“I’ll bet it is,” his mom said, knowing the history of these two.

“It’s great stuff, hon. Balsa is light enough that D.J. can saw it himself (without power tools).

“Are you going to add a wing to the house, made out of balsa wood, to store all this?”

“Don’t worry Mom. Dad and I have a plan. “

“I can’t wait to see it. Right now, you two need to plan how you are going to get those clothes into the washer without leaving a trail.”

“Dad said you’d say that. Look at my new invention.” D.J. proudly produced an old paintbrush, wrapped in duct tape, with the sticky side out. “See, I just pat Dad’s shirt like this and all the sawdust comes off.”

“That’s cool D.J. Beats taking Dad to the carwash,” his Mom laughed. “Did you invent something for dumpster-diving-odor?” she asked.

“That’s just the smell of success, honey,” Andy countered, rather defensively.

“Stay there while I get the Fabreze,” she said.

As she headed upstairs, D.J. asked his dad, “Is Mom mad?”

“No. But she probably thinks dumpsters are for trash, not treasure.”

“You think she’ll want to go with next time?” D.J. asked.

“What do you think?”

“I doubt it.”

ANALYSIS

Dumpster diving may get these two in trouble if they keep it up. However, it is a cute example of the father’s attunement to the kind of child he had – a very curious and creative one, who loved to build. D.J.’s enjoyed putting together models, but more often than not, those models were stripped down and modified with spare parts from other kids, or whatever he found. Building a kit can be fun, but having an idea and making it a reality was far more satisfying for him, even at an early age. That’s why the garage was full of cardboard and duct tape creations and his room was full of Lego monsters that didn’t resemble anything pictured on the boxes in the store. The manner of acquiring the materials was a little unusual, but his dad knew that balsa wood was a good material for a kid D.J.’s age. It could be cut, nailed and glued without the use of power tools and the risk of injury. D.J. had his own scaled down workbench like his father, with a surface for assembling and hammering, and plenty of clamps and glue. A load of balsa wood, in whatever shape, was just what D.J. needed for a satisfying Saturday afternoon.

D.J.’s father was promoting his son’s curiosity and creativity. He was also delivering on the idea that relating can occur around genuinely shared interests, rather than one person needing to change to be what the other expects. D.J.’s father was not a dumpster diver before his son came along. Just like Neal’s dad developed an interest in climbing, these fathers are engaged in loving accommodations, where they are striving to join their children in their worlds and help them connect with a bigger world. Neal doesn’t have trouble connecting with others, but D.J. certainly does unless someone is attuned to him as his father is in this case (and is flexible and tolerant like his mother).

Joining D.J. in his world, granting space for his creativity, and suspending judgment about the less-than-pristine surfaces where these projects resided (during extended periods of construction and revision) required remarkable patience on his mother’s part. We’ll see them butt heads later about his messes. But for now, she is being a good sport. Somehow, she and D.J. will have to strike a working compromise about how to respect the need for the family ‘commons’ to remain orderly, yet afford D.J. enough space to keep at his projects for extended periods of time. In the process, they will not only be supporting creativity (C/V), but communication (COM), logical thinking (LT), and even moral integrity (MI), because D.J. will learn to adapt his behavior because he cares how it affects his mother.

Join in His World – My Dirty Laundry

The floor in his room was another case, it seemed. His father had to watch his step when he paid D.J. a visit.

“Cool. Can I join you?” Andy asked.

“Grown-ups don’t play with Legos, Dad,” DJ observed.

“Who told you that? Sure they do. There’s guys at work with Legos (in their offices).”

“Really?” DJ was surprised.

“Totally. Legos are for boys AND girls. Men AND women. So can I play?” he asked again.

“Sure. I’m making a robot that picks up dirty laundry,” DJ explained.

“How does the robot know it is dirty?” his father asked.

“If it is on the floor, Dad, it’s dirty,” DJ laughed.

“How does it find the laundry?” Andy asked.

“He’s got electric eyes that search for stuff that is on the ground,” DJ explained.

“So is the robot going to try to pick up a chair or stool?” Andy asked.

“It has a second electric eye that tells it to leave tall stuff alone,” DJ responded.

“Will it think a book is laundry,” Andy asked.

“At first, it might. But it will figure it out,” DJ responded.

“How will it know it is a book?” Andy asked.

“It won’t. But it will know it is not laundry,” DJ explained.

“Tell me how it does that,” Andy wondered.

“It has an arm for grabbing laundry. When it finds something, it closes its claw and lifts,” DJ explained.

“And if it is a book?” Andy asked.

“Then the claw can’t close at all,” DJ explained.

“That is totally cool. How did you figure that out?” Andy asked.

“I got down on my hands and knees and crawled around with my eyes closed,” DJ explained. “I paid attention to what I bumped into and what it felt like to pick something up.”

“Did you just figure this out?” Dad asked.

“Oh no, Dad. I’ve been working on this a long time,” DJ answered.

“I can see you’ve got some other projects in the works,” Andy observed, spying the other half-finished robots all around the room. “So is this one done,” his dad asked.

“No, it can lift socks and underwear, but it gets tangled up with shirts and sweatshirts,” DJ said.

“Maybe it is just a robot that specializes in socks and undies,” Andy laughed.

“Maybe, but once it has picked something up, it doesn’t know what to do with it,” DJ said.

“Sounds like a normal kid,” Andy laughed.

“Mom said to ask if I could test it out in your study,” DJ said, with a conspiratorial smirk.

“Oh she did? I think the real test would be her sewing room.”

“I don’t know Dad. I think your study would be the real test because there is some serious terrain there (to navigate).”

“Alright. Would you rather I cleaned my study or built robots with you?” his dad asked.

“Seriously, Dad. You have to ask? Dig in,” DJ offered.

ANALYSIS

The teenage D.J. we met had concluded that he could not have friends and retain his genuine self. He assumed others didn’t like him or expected him to be something he wasn’t. In this vignette above, his father delivered the message of genuine interest in D.J. and his ideas. He was demonstrated genuine interest in relating to D.J. being D.J. That was the opposite of feeling like he had to choose between Self and Relatedness. That was a healthy example of Self and Relatedness synergy. That is what a child deserves from a parent. It does not necessarily come from peers. But this built a good base for D.J. to know he was entitled to have a relationship (REL) that feels this good and this genuine.

This example showed D.J.’s curiosity (CUR) and creativity (C/V) at its best. Andy’s genuine interest and validation is an important part of D.J.’s emerging self-esteem. Instead of “That kid’s a real geek”, D.J. gets the message from his father, “Your curiosity, reasoning, and efforts produce some really neat stuff … You should be proud of yourself.” That was quite a counter weight to the potential message of, “You are different … and weird … and flawed” which the teenage D.J. perceived from others.

This is another example of Andy’s making A MESS. By virtue of his attunement, he recognized his son’s talents and interests. He also knew the value of sustained engagement with projects to allow that ability and creativity to fully express itself. In other words, for mastery in the area of creativity (C/V) and logical thinking (LT), sustained engagement is necessary. He needs to experiment, tinker, revise, test, and rebuild. All of that requires more than one sitting. D.J.’s father recognized that (and his mother was coming around to it). Consequently, his dad was not only tolerant of the projects-in-progress “mess”, in this case he got down in it and was genuinely curious about it. Kids need validation and interest from significant adults to stay the course with activities that can become difficult and at times frustrating. You can see the appeal of the video games, can’t you? They are stimulating and immediate and don’t make a “mess”.

Bedtime – You’re Ugly

Just as the Bedtime Ritual paid dividends with Mitch and Sam, the same was true for DJ. Mitch learned to internal discipline, Sam developed her creativity, and DJ found a good place to make sense of his relationships and feelings. See what you think of the way bedtime promoted developmental growth for DJ.

“Are you ready to read stories,” Helen asked.

“Let’s just skip ‘em tonight,” D.J. answered. “I’d rather just go to sleep.”

“D.J., is something wrong? This is not like you,” Helen wondered.

“I’m just not in the mood for stories,” D.J. explained.

“You were awfully quiet at dinner tonight. You hardly touched your food. Are you feeling sick,” she asked.

“No. I’m fine, Mom,” he answered.

“You don’t look very happy,” she observed.

“I’ll be okay in the morning, Mom,” D.J. assured her.

“Something is not right. Why don’t you tell me about it,” she said.

“I don’t want to talk about it, Mom,” he said. “I’d rather go to sleep.”

“I know you feel that way. But if something is bothering you, sometimes it is good to talk about it before you go to sleep,” she reasoned.

“It won’t be such a big deal in the morning,” he countered.

“If bad stuff happens during the day, it’s usually good to sort it out before going to sleep,” she said.

“Why is that?” he asked.

“Because, when you sleep, your brain is doing all sorts of things with your memories and what they mean, so …”

“Don’t just throw my dirty laundry in the closet,” he jumped in.

“Because?” she asked, puzzled.

“Because dirty sweaty laundry will only stink worse a week later and it might have something growing in it,” D.J. explained, somewhat paraphrasing one of his mother’s laundry lectures.

“Not the metaphor I would have thought of, but it works,” she said. “So what happened at school? You look sad.”

“Mary Lefferts told me I was ugly,” D.J. said.

“Oh, that is so mean,” she consoled.

“I didn’t even do anything,” D.J. said, looking like he was about to cry.

“Tell me more about what happened,” Helen said.

“Well. She sits across from me in school. She’s really pretty and talks a lot,” he said.

“So, what happened?” Helen asked.

“She asked me if I had another pencil,” D.J. recalled. “I said, ‘Sorry (I don’t)’ and then she called me ugly.”

“That’s a hurtful thing to say,” Helen said.

“Yeah. And I worry it is true. She’s pretty and popular. I’m sure not,” D.J. said.

“Do you worry about those things, honey?” she asked.

“Who doesn’t, Mom?” D.J. said. “I’d give up being smart any day if I could be as good looking and popular as her.”

“That tells me how bad those words hurt you,” Helen said.

“I can’t ask you if I’m ugly, cause you’re my mother,” D.J. said.

“You think I’m biased, do you?” she asked.

“I would hope so,” he said.

“Do you think you are ugly?” she asked.

“Sometimes I do. I’m not the most popular kid in class, in case you haven’t noticed,” he reminded her.

“Why do you think she said that to you?” his mom asked, going in a different direction.

“’cause she was looking at me,” he said, puzzled by his mom’s question.

“Do you remember anything more about what was going on that would make her say that?” his mom enquired.

“She looked mad at me when she said it,” D.J. recalled.

“Mad? Do you think she was mad at you,” Helen asked.

“I don’t know. I think she was frustrated I didn’t give her a pencil when she asked,” D.J. recalled.

“I thought you said you didn’t have an extra,” Helen said.

“I didn’t. But Mary’s the kind of girl that usually gets what she wants, especially from boys. I’ll bet she expected me to give her the pencil I was using,” D.J. guessed.

“That is an interesting thought,” Helen said.

“That doesn’t make what she said go away, though,” he reminded her.

“Why do you think she chose to call you ugly? She could have called you mean, or selfish, or stupid,” Helen wondered.

“I don’t know. Maybe she knows I wouldn’t believe her if she called me mean, or selfish, or stupid. Compared to me, she’s pretty mean and selfish. And she’s not exactly the smartest kid in the class,” D.J. said.

“So why would she call you ugly,” Helen wondered again.

“Maybe because she is so pretty, she can remind people that she is prettier than they are,” D.J. guessed.

“That’s an interesting idea,” Helen said.

“I don’t think she’s pretty,” D.J. said.

“I thought you just said she was,” Helen recalled.

“Somebody who is mean is not pretty, mom,” D.J. said, matter-of-factly.

“I’d have to agree with you on that one,” she said. “So what are you going to say if this happens again?” she asked.

“I’m going to say, ‘Not everyone can be as pretty as you, Mary’,” D.J. laughed.

“Why are you laughing,” Helen asked.

“Because she is dumb enough to believe me,” he said.

“Ooooh. That’s mean,” she said. “But, I have to admit. That is a good comeback.”

“Thanks mom. You were right. It’s not good to go to bed still thinking those bad thoughts,” D.J. said.

“Well. Sometimes it is good to sort out the truth before you go to sleep,” she said.

“Don’t worry mom. I’m not going to be mean to Mary,” D.J. said.

“I’m glad we talked about this. You look a lot better,” she said.

“You mean I’m no longer ugly,” he laughed.

“You know what I mean,” she said, and kissed him good night.

ANALYSIS

Ever since he was small, D.J. has had stories at bedtime. It is a ritual neither he, nor his parents will likely part with until … he’s at least 30, if you ask them. It is nice ending to his day, a good time to snuggle with mom or dad, and a good time to talk, as was the case in the vignette above. His mom knows him well enough to recognize when things aren’t right. She could tell something was bothering him when he seemed quieter and more withdrawn than usual. D.J. could be quiet and intensely focused on things at times, but this was different. She could tell something was bothering him.

His mom did a nice job of being concerned and curious. Like many kids, boys in particular, the answer to the question of, “Is anything wrong?” is more often than not, “No”. She knew better than to take that answer, especially given the other signs she was tuned into. He was unusually quiet, didn’t have an appetite and the clincher – didn’t want to read stories at bedtime. She was patiently persistent with him, knowing that when things bothered him, he often got silent and retreated. She made it safe to talk, but also gave the message of “I know something is wrong and you should talk about it”.

What a difference this version of Helen is from the one who was hesitant to do anything other than hope and worry while her teenage son stayed hunkered down in his room. That mother was left to guess at what was troubling her son. And worse, that version of D.J. was left believing the worst about himself and what others thought of him. Can you imagine how painful it is for a sensitive kid like D.J. to be labeled as ugly and left alone believing it?

Mother 2.0 was not only patient and persistent, she was empathic. Instead of telling him, “Oh, don’t believe that girl”, she allowed him to tell his story, empathize with how hurt that made him feel, and then allowed him to sort out where those words were coming from and why. That was a much more powerful and effective process than simply giving him reassurance. Besides, D.J. said it well himself, “You’re my mother (of course) you don’t think I’m ugly”.

Did you notice the process she and D.J. went through in terms of reasoning about the girl’s bullying? Instead of offering him an external solution to an internal problem, she allowed him to create an internal solution. Part of the problem was a fear that he was ugly, not just that someone had called him that. That was just confirmation for an internal fear. His mom allowed him to reason about why someone would say mean things (bully) and she also allowed him to redefine what it meant to be pretty/ugly. By no means is D.J. out of the woods on concerns about appearance. Pimples and mirrors are a teenager’s worst nightmare. But for now, with this incident, D.J. was able to cut a potential thread in the fabric of fear and self-loathing that had been rather completely woven by the time he was an adolescent. The teenage D.J. assumed that his peers disliked everything about him and he hated them for it. This younger version of D.J. will likely be able to face Mary the next day in school and may even have a chuckle when he recalls the conversation he had with his mother.

I advertised that the Bedtime Ritual is a parenting cure all. This vignette was certainly a good example of developmental work in the areas of empathy, logical thinking, and genuine self-esteem. Did you notice how D.J.’s mother was able to contain her own urge to counter the hurtful words of the girl with a dismissal or advice? Instead, she empathically listened, which was far more powerful. In doing so, she also allowed D.J. to acknowledge how he was feeling and explore why. Before, he was determined not to feel and wait for time to wash away the upset. He was not only able to acknowledge how hurt he was, he also came to appreciate that he was angry. In case you missed that part, his planned sarcastic comeback was a nice slice of angry revenge. Interestingly, the empathic process also allowed him to consider what motivated the girl to say what she did and in the process understand it as defensive on her part rather than just a mean comment from a mean person. He was left pitying her more than hating her.

This exchange between D.J. and his mom is helpful on another level. Over time, D.J. will come to incorporate his mother’s questions and gentle challenges into his own thinking. Instead of her needing to ask for another possible way of looking at things, he is more likely to do that for himself. Our children’s brains are undeveloped. Some of you may think your spouse’s are still that way. Perhaps, but that is another book. Kids are unable to make the cognitive connections adults can make, not just due to lack of experience. They simply don’t have the (prefrontal cortex) wiring completed yet. But we, as parents, can serve as these connections through our curiosity and questioning about connections they are not yet making. D.J.’s mother asked him why the girl chose to focus on “ugliness”, instead of some other attribute. She also asked him to put the incident into a broader context of what led up to the comment and what may have motivated it. All of these connections are important and they serve to counter the isolated, “She called me ugly” … “I must be ugly” … connection he was making and dwelling upon.

Kids are always checking out how they compare with others and appearance is the easiest and most threatening one to focus on. It is easy to compare yourself and assume you are lacking. Beauty is so highly valued in everything we see and hear in our society, it only adds to the angst of kids who worry about their adequacy and relative standing. By the time they are adolescents, they fear they can never be thin enough, strong enough, tall enough, … Fortunately, the dialogue with his mother forced D.J. to consider other ways of valuing oneself. Being nice to others (rather than mean), being generous (rather than selfish), being smart (rather than narrow minded), being empathic (rather than uncaring), these were all qualities that he reminded himself constitute what makes someone “beautiful”. These are important discussions for a boy developing a genuine sense of self-esteem – especially one who is quiet, sensitive and a little shy.

Did you notice the how D.J.’s mother helped him make A MESS of this situation? Kids aren’t dumb. When something hurts, they try to avoid it. Yet if it is avoided, it cannot be analyzed and changed. His mom provided the (soothing) safety to stay engaged with this difficult subject so that he could analyze it, get some perspective on what happened and develop (master) a healthier assessment of himself. Now isn’t this better than letting D.J. wait to spill red wine on Mary’s cosmetically enhanced anatomy at their 20^th high school reunion?

What do you think of the way DJ’s mom made use of bedtime to promote genuine self-esteem, logical thinking and empathy? Some kids would spontaneously go to their parents with incidents such as the one described above. Not D.J. So creating a nightly ritual where they had private, 1:1 time, was a nice gentle way to sustain engagement with a sensitive boy who otherwise might opt for avoidance and making his own irrational sense of his world.

Finding Good Fits: We Are The Champions… Of the World

In the meantime, Geeks may rule in Silicon Valley, but not necessarily in Middle America. Andy made a point of tuning into events and opportunities for “Geeks” like him and D.J. Once a year he could count on a smorgasbord of offerings when the university sponsored Engineering Open House. A naïve observer would think the state high school basketball tournament had returned to town.

“GO, GO, GO, GO,” shouted the crowd in the stands ringing the tarmac.

The Rube Goldberg-esque robot, with caterpillar treads had safely secured the soccer ball, but at the top of the ramp, standing between it and the goal, was one mean looking robot, painted green and white to show it clearly belonged to the team from Michigan State. The hometown crowd was cheering on the orange and blue robot with the ball.

“Dad. This is just like going to a basketball game,” DJ yelled over the noise of the crowd.

“Yeah. And here we might even have a chance to win,” Andy yelled in return.

“Go, go, go,” DJ had joined in the chant.

While driving home, DJ told his father, “I want to build robots. Do you think we can go dumpster diving again?”

“I don’t know. You and I got in trouble last time we did that,” Andy answered.

“I didn’t get in trouble, you did,” DJ reminded his father (about what his mom had said).

“You’ve got all those Legos at home, I’ll bet you can make a robot using them,” Andy offered.

“Cool. How do you know?” DJ asked.

“I was reading an article about Legos,” Andy explained.

“You read toy magazines?” DJ asked.

“No, it was the business section of the paper,” Andy recalled. “Lego is a company that tries to make money and one way they do that is to find new ways to use Legos.”

“They don’t need to find new ways. You can make anything out of Legos,” DJ said.

“Exactly. But now you can hook up motors and sensors and make stuff like robots,” Andy explained.

“Cool. Can we get that, Dad?” DJ asked excitedly.

“After seeing that robot competition today, how can we resist?” Dad answered.

“Mom says you are a sucker for gadgets,” DJ laughed.

“And a fancy sewing machine is not a gadget?” Andy shot back. “You know, when you are older, you can be in a club where you are part of a team that builds robots for tournaments,” his dad said.

“Why do I have to be older?” DJ asked.

“Good question. I don’t know. We’ll have to find out if there is one in town,” Andy explained.

“I’m going to be on that team when I get to college,” DJ said, reminding his dad of the competition they had just witnessed on campus.

“That would be cool,” Andy said.

“Do you suppose they take younger kids?” DJ wondered.

“We have a lot of Googling to do when we get home, don’t we,” Andy responded.

“That’s for sure,” DJ sighed.

And Google they did. Sure enough, there were a number of Lego offerings: everything from Lego Robot Building workshops, Lego Robotic Clubs and Teams, and even a Lego Coffee Shop on campus where you could come build and sip (instead of going to class). D.J. and his dad decided they would hit the coffee (hot chocolate) and Lego bar next Saturday. Until then, they had emailing to do to make a connection with one of the Lego Clubs for grade school aged kids. Apparently Lego competitions were quite the thing – just like traveling hockey and soccer teams.

ANALYSIS

The D.J. we saw in Part I was an angry alienated adolescent. He did not trust that others were interested in his genuine self and rather than make compromises, he chose isolation. The teenage version of D.J. was a sharp contrast with the younger D.J. in a hall packed with kids and adults, screaming like fanatical European soccer fans for their robot team to win. All these people were as excited about the same geeky stuff as he was. The Self vs. Relatedness Bind was not a problem in this gym with these people. Nice going Andy!

D.J.’s dad was an avid baseball fan. He grew up idolizing Ryan Sandburg and Ferguson Jenkins. Going to Wrigley Field was comparable to a devote Catholic’s trip to the Vatican. But early on, he realized that his son did not share his interest for baseball. So when most of the boys and some of the girls in D.J.’s class were trying out for Little League that Saturday morning, his dad knew to take him to campus and the Robot Wars Competition. That was all it took to ignite D.J.’s desire to find a Lego Team to join. He had no idea, before that day, that there were other kids out there as crazy about Legos as he was. In this milieu there was no self vs. relatedness bind. There would be no demands that he choose between being himself or being connected. There were lots of kids, just like him, with whom to connect when it came to Lego Robotics.

Did you recognize the developmental work being done in the areas of genuine self-esteem, relatedness, curiosity, creativity, and logical thinking? This group of kids felt proud of their robot building skills, and the people around them validated that – just like the roaring crowd at the basketball arena validates athletes. Taking D.J. to the Open House always has the same effect. He leaves fired up about some new idea or project he saw the he wants to investigate. His curiosity (CUR) is piqued and his enthusiasm can barely be contained, as we saw on their ride home. Then come the hard parts, the logical thinking (LT) and problem solving it will take to put that ambition in motion.

Overnight Robotics Camp – Where Shall We Pitch Our Tent?

D.J. and his parents hit the jackpot when they found a Robotics Summer Camp for him to attend. Beginning in grade school, Helen and Andy found summer camp opportunities for him that matched his interests. Within these settings, D.J. found adult support and stimulation for subjects he was interested in. Just as importantly, D.J. found peers who were passionate about the same things he was. This proved to be a valuable inoculation against what later could have been a sense of alienation for being so different – for being a Geek. Within these camps, if you weren’t a geek, you probably couldn’t keep up. Understanding of science and engineering were the necessities for successful engagement, not strength and speed.

“D.J., here’s the list of day camps in town this summer and here’s the list of out-of-town camps,” Helen explained.

“Out of town meaning I sleep there and eat there,” D.J. asked, warily.

“Yeah. You won’t be coming home everyday to your house. No mom and dad for a whole week. What do you think of that,” she asked.

“Well, some of the camps look really cool, but I’m not sure I want to sleep somewhere else at night,” D.J. shared.

“Yeah. You’ve spent the night at Kyle’s house and you’ve stayed with Grandma and Grandpa for a week, but this would be completely new,” she agreed.

“Can you come and stay at a hotel near the camp and I can stay with you at night,” he schemed.

“That is a very clever idea, young man and I’m sure there are a bunch of kids who would like that option, but unfortunately that is not one of them for you and me,” she sympathized.

“Is there a camp in Grandma’s town,” he wondered.

“We can look. Like a day camp but in Grandma’s town,” she asked.

“Yeah.”

“How is that different than going to day camp in town here,” Helen asked.

“Well, I don’t know. You see I kind of want to go to overnight camp ‘cause there are cool things to do, but I’m afraid I’ll want to come home,” he explained.

“You don’t have to do it this year if you don’t want,” she said.

“Are there overnight camps in town,” D.J. asked.

“Why do you ask,” she wondered.

“Well, I could go to overnight in town, but if I got nervous, I could get you to come get me,” he reasoned.

“Overnight camp is expensive, so you should only do it if you think there is a good chance you will stick with it,” his mom said.

“Now I’m going to be worrying about the money. Thanks mom. I needed more stuff to worry about,” D.J. smiled.

“I guess I could have worded that better,” his mom said.

“You know, mom, it might be kind of like a good in between camp. I can stay overnight, but maybe you can come tuck me in if I need it,” D.J. planned.

“Hmmm. I guess, if the folks running the program are alright with parents dropping in, I’m willing to consider that plan,” she confessed.

“Cool. Because I really want to go to robotics camp and it’s not offered as a day camp,” D.J. said.

“Oh, why didn’t you say that from the beginning. Your dad will go and be your roommate,” Helen joked.

“Seriously?”

“No, but I’ll bet he’ll ask if there is a robotics camp for grown-ups,” she answered.

ANALYSIS

D.J.’s wish for a Goldilocks style camp (not too close, not too far) was not a surprise to his mom. In fact, she was prepared to offer a similar suggestion if he balked at one of the overnight camps. She firmly believed that he would do fine once he got there, but he had always been reluctant to do new things. He had even been reluctant to spend the week with Grandma and Grandpa, but once he was there, he hardly had time to talk on the phone when she called to check on him. She was sure the in-town camp would be fine with parental booster shots as needed. She also was pretty sure that D.J. would not need her once he immersed himself in the robotics building. On any given weekend, he would easily go without sleep or food if he were engaged in a robot-building project. This summer he would be around a lot of like-minded kids who would rather build than eat.

In terms of a zone of proximal development framework, it looks like D.J. is ready for overnight camps, but views the idea as overwhelming. Consequently, Helen is trying to provide the scaffolding to help him get there, whether it is a gentle push, or the reassurance that she will be accessible if the task feels overwhelming. Day camp and overnight camp are worlds apart in difficulty for a kid like D.J. and she is sensitive to this fact. Therefore, she and D.J. are scheming up an in-between form that is right for him.

Through A MESS making framework, D.J.’s mom is attuned to his interests and talents and what he needs to continue developing intellectually in that area. She is also attuned to his sensitivity and wariness with new challenges. Therefore, she needed to combine intellectual growth goals with psychosocial goals, like soothing himself when away from home and interacting with kids he has never met before. Picking a super high interest theme, like robotics will help sustain his engagement, once she gets him there. Her verbal reassurances and promises to be available are providing initial soothing necessary for him to agree to engage, but then she will expect that his desire to learn and complete projects will sustain engagement despite his discomfort with new people and new surroundings.

The self vs. relatedness bind D.J. experienced as an adolescent arose in part from his early avoidance and isolation as well as experiences with rejection. The rejection confirmed his fears about where he stood with others while his avoidance and isolation did nothing to counter those beliefs. Fortunately, in this “what if we do it right from the start” option, D.J. is encouraged to engage with others, but they are peers unlikely to reject him since they share his same interests (and characteristics). Few kids are going to be ostracized in those contexts because they are brainy and enjoy robots and computers. That’s why they are there, for goodness sake! Hooray for mom. She was out ahead of the self vs. relatedness wave, by creating opportunities for D.J. to recognize that self and relating can and should be complementary.

No Friends

Camp was great while it lasted, but making friends remained a challenge for a sensitive kid like D.J.. It became especially so after his long-time best friend Karl had to move away when he and D.J. were in sixth grade. The loss if Karl was very difficult for D.J., and the work of making new friends was more than he seemed able to handle.

“Are you doing okay,” Helen asked.

“I miss Karl,” D.J. said.

“Yeah. I miss him too. He was fun to have around,” she said.

“We used to build all sorts of neat stuff,” D.J. said.

“You sure did. Have you heard from him?” she asked.

“He’s not very good with email and his parents won’t let him have a phone,” D.J. said.

“I’m sorry your buddy moved away,” Helen said, putting her arm around him.

“That wasn’t fair. His dad shouldn’t have taken that job,” D.J. said.

“I wish Karl was still here. I don’t think his dad had much of a choice about his job,” she explained.

“People should get to live where they want to,” D.J. complained.

“That would be nice. And where would you live,” she asked.

“With you and Dad, of course,” D.J. responded. “Do you think Karl can come live with us? I know he didn’t want to move.”

“He’s always welcome to come for a visit. I know it is hard. You guys were together all the time,” she said.

“It really sucks, Mom,” D.J. said. “I don’t have any good friends at school like him.”

“It will take time. You and Karl were buddies from preschool days.”

“Yeah. But nobody at school wants to be my friend. They are nice if I say ‘hi’, but nobody ever comes and sits with me (at lunch),” D.J. explained.

“Do you sit with other kids,” Helen asked.

“Sometimes. But it is pretty uncomfortable. I don’t think they really like it when I join their table. They are already talking to each other,” D.J. recalled.

“What do they talk about? Anything you find interesting,” she asked.

“Mostly sports and video games,” he said.

“Not girls,” his mom asked.

“Seriously, Mom? We’re not teenagers,” he said.

“Just checking. So, you like video games,” she reminded him.

“Yeah, but not the kind they like. They are into those shoot-em-up games where you do well the more people you kill,” D.J. said.

“Oh. And what kind of sports?”

“Football and basketball mostly,” D.J. said.

“Your two favorites,” she said sarcastically, knowing D.J. didn’t care much for either. “You like paying attention to baseball stats. Are they interested in that?”

“I doubt it. They don’t do fantasy baseball, if that’s where you are headed, Mom,” D.J. said.

“Yeah, that’s where I was headed.”

“I’m just not interesting to any of them,” D.J. complained.

“How come you are interesting to your family, then,” Helen asked.

“You guys have to be interested in me. It’s your job,” D.J. answered, not entirely joking.

“I don’t share your hobbies, but I’m interested in you and knowing what is important to you,” Helen said.

“Like I said, Mom. That’s because you are my mom and you love me. But the kids at school don’t love me. They don’t even like me,” D.J. went on.

“That must make it hard to be at school,” she said.

“No kidding,” D.J. answered.

“You know. It’s hard for many people, including me, to just walk up to people and make friends. Most of my friends are people I’ve worked with or gone to school with,” she said.

“So what is your point, Mom,” D.J. asked, getting uncomfortable talking about something rather painful.

“What I’m getting at is the idea that sometimes friendships develop out of shared interests. Like kids who both like to play basketball or soccer,” she explained.

“But I don’t really like sports and I don’t like what other kids like. And they don’t like what I like,” he said.

“Really? Have you sat down and really thought about that,” she asked.

“What do you mean, ‘sat down and thought about that’”, D.J. answered.

“I mean, like thinking about what you really enjoy and then thinking whether there are others who share those interests,” his mom said.

“I don’t see anyone at school into building stuff like Karl and I used to do,” he responded.

“How do you know whether some kids like to build at home? You and Karl didn’t build Lego robots at school, either,” she reminded him.

“What is you point, Mom? This is getting pretty frustrating,” D.J. said.

“I know it is. I also know that not having a friend to hang out with is very painful,” she said.

“Yeah, I know you are trying to help. Got any ideas,” he asked.

“I can think of two, now that you ask,” she smiled.

“How am I not surprised,” he said.

“Is there a club at school that you would be interested in joining? Sometimes it is easier to get to know somebody when you are working side-by-side on something you enjoy. Your dad and I were lab partners in college. That’s how we met,” his mom reminded him.

“And your other idea,” D.J. asked, leaving the club idea to die on the vine.

“No cool clubs, I take it? Then how about finding a teacher who would help you start a club? Like …

“A robotics club. That would be cool. But what teacher is going to want to do that,” D.J. asked. “I doubt any of my teachers are interested in robots. They’re all grown up.”

“Dad likes robots,” she reminded him.

“He’s my dad,” he countered.

“I saw him working on his robot after you went to bed,” she laughed.

“I still don’t think anyone at school will be interested,” D.J. said, clinging to his Eeyore-like outlook.

“Want to make a bet? I’ll bet, by the end of tomorrow you have at least one teacher or one student interested in a robotics club,” Helen said.

“What are we betting? I know. You do my chores for a week,” D.J. said.

“And if I win, you help me cook every night for a week,” she countered.

“Deal.”

“Take one of your medium sized robots to school with you tomorrow and just carry it around with you all day,” she said.

“And then what,” he wondered.

“That’s all. Just carry it around with you,” she said.

“I’m going to get teased,” D.J. complained.

“Maybe. You’ll have to practice some good things to say before you go to school,” she said. “Some anti-teasing weapons.”

“How about this: ‘At least my toys don’t come from a cereal box’,” he auditioned.

“I don’t know. Try it out on your father, first,” she answered.

ANALYSIS

D.J.’s mom is sensitive to the fact that he doesn’t have many (any) friends. His best friend, Karl, has been his friend since preschool. They became friends because their parents were friends, and it just stuck. Well, it wasn’t that simple. But it was made easier for both of them because they were together for several hours, five-days-a-week. Just like his mom and dad were in Chemistry lab together six-hours-a-week in college. In those contexts, relationships can develop without any concerns about liking or rejection. They are thrown together by virtue of the structure (of the school) and over time they learn that they have common interests and even like each other. Some kids are comfortable meeting new people and making friends. Not D.J. or his mother. Helen realized that some structural assistance has been helpful for her, so why not for her son. Her two best friends in the world are her former college roommate and the woman who was part of her project team at work.

Helen knows how hard it is for D.J. to initiate relationships and get over the hump of finding common interests and managing fears about disappointment. Her reasoning is that finding a common interest that D.J. and another kid share and a structure that sustains their engagement may be the best chance for D.J. to get past the “I know he doesn’t like me” process that usually prevents any serious attempts on his part. And let’s face it, D.J. is a bit of an outlier in terms of temperament, intellect and interests. He has fewer kids who line up with those qualities. And when they do, each of them can be as hesitant to engage and sustain that engagement long enough to develop a friendship. Avoidance has been D.J.’s defense of choice. It protects him from the pain of rejection. But it also prevents any chance of finding a friend.

What do you think of Helen’s wager? Not exactly something recommended in Parenting magazine is it? But, perhaps it is right for her kid. She knows she needs to provide him with sufficient motivation to stay engaged with a process he would likely avoid otherwise. She is telling him to walk around school with a toy, for heavens sake. Kind of like putting a target on his back that says, “Tease Me Please”. She is betting that there are a few teachers and kids who will be intrigued with D.J.’s creation and ask him about it. And … it only takes one teacher and/or one kid to get things started. D.J. does not need a pack of kids to run with. He just needs one good friend, like he had with Karl. What has she or he got to lose?

She’s hoping she wins so she can get him in the kitchen. Wait ‘til she hits him with the line, “Girls like guys who can cook”. Maybe it is too early for that, but D.J. will probably need some serious coaching when it comes time for meeting girls as well. His fears of rejection will make that a difficult process, for sure.

How does this process fit with the struggles D.J. had when we met him earlier in the book as a teenager? That boy had concluded that Self and Relatedness were doomed to be mutually exclusive. In the example above, his mother is helping him find a satisfying relationship based on his genuine interests. The teenage D.J. assumed no one was like him nor would anyone want to be like him. By then, he had become an angry, alienated kid who lumped all kids together as the rejecting enemy.

Kids learn empathy first by experiencing it. Helen did a nice job of empathizing with his pain around losing his best friend. The great thing about having his friend, Karl, was the fact that he never doubted that Karl was his best friend. They had been friends since pre-school, together as long as D.J. could remember. Not only did D.J. need to start over, he lacked social skills he never realized were needed. His mom recognized he needed expectations and coaching to help him engage his classmates. Without her encouragement, D.J. could head down the path that took him to the locked bedroom door of his adolescence. D.J. assumed his classmates would make fun of him for his “odd” interests. His mom knew that all he needed was another good friend, like Karl.

This was a critical juncture for D.J. He could easily have embraced the self vs. relatedness bind and decided upon his painful compromise. Helen knew that was not a healthy or necessary path and she helped orchestrate a means of relating where D.J.’s unique self was preserved. And, it goes without saying; communication (COM) was central to the process. The teenage D.J. didn’t communicate. As a result, he clung to his jaundiced view of others and what they thought of him.

Mom’s Space-Time Continuum – The Lego Legacy Blog

Kids need external limits on things such as messes and leaving projects around the house. But ultimately, we want kids to learn to self-regulate, requiring fewer rules and consequences, and reminders, and nagging, and threats, and …

“You know what I think,” Helen asked.

“What,” D.J. responded cautiously.

“I think you have more ideas than Legos to build them,” she observed.

“No kidding. You just figured that out?” he asked.

“Well, I notice all the great creations you have around the room and I just wonder whether we are going to have to build an addition onto the house,” she joked.

“No addition Mom, just buy more Legos,” he said.

“Talk to your father about that. He’s the softie when it comes to “There are never enough Legos”,” she said.

“So why are you talking to me about all my projects, Mom,” asked D.J., still suspicious.

“It looks like you are running out of space and parts,” she said, waving her arm around the room.

“I worked hard on these projects Mom. I can’t just take them apart,” he said.

“You remember that MG Dad restored in the garage,” Helen asked.

“Yeah. That was a cool car,” D.J. recalled.

“Do you remember what happened when Dad was finished fixing it and then the ’67 Mustang was for sale?”

“He sold the MG,” D.J. recalled, with a sigh.

“You would have kept the MG?” she asked.

“Yeah. That was a great car,” D.J. said.

“It was, but I think Dad liked restoring it more than driving it,” she said.

“Yeah. I heard him say that,” D.J. agreed.

“So, unless he built a new garage, he couldn’t have both cars,” his mom said.

“We could have sold the minivan,” D.J. said.

“How many hockey bags can you fit in an MG, bad smell and all?” she laughed.

“Ok, ok. So you think I should take apart my robots and monsters. I get it,” D.J. said.

“Not so fast. I think you should find a way to keep the projects but make more space,” she said.

“Huh?”

“Why don’t you make a careful record of how you built them and keep them kind of like you would a book or a movie,” she suggested. “Come to think of it, you could make how-to videos showing how to make them,” she added.

“I’m listening.”

“If you set up the video camera …

“I could film myself taking them apart, piece by piece and then run it backwards to show how to build it,” D.J. blurted. “Mom, you’re kind a smart for a girl.”

“I can’t believe you just said that,” she said, looking a little annoyed.

“I’m just teasing Mom,” D.J. said.

“Well, don’t say that outside of the house. You might get punched, and you would deserve it,” she warned.

“Don’t worry. I know plenty of girls who are good at building stuff,” D.J. said, quickly back pedaling.

“Good.”

“You know what else I can do, Mom. I can make a whole movie with all the projects described in it. Like on YouTube!” he said, getting excited.

“Do you know what a blog is? You could describe your projects in detail and put all that information on your blog or website, so other people could look at your creations,” she said.

“Cool. Then I wouldn’t have to carry them with me when I want to show them to people like Aunt Fran and Uncle Bob,” he said.

“Nope. You could just give them your website address,” she smiled.

“Will you help me set up the video camera Mom,” he asked.

“Sure. Don’t forget, Dad is really good at video editing,” she reminded him, with a mischievous smirk on her face.

ANALYSIS

Helen has learned to tolerate more messiness than she might otherwise care for just because she understood the creativity and problem solving style of her son. However, she also realized that he was reluctant to part with things. So, sometimes she needed to prod him into deciding whether he was holding on to something with a real purpose in mind, or whether it was for the purpose of avoiding the discomfort of parting with it.

She was firm believer in the need to stay engaged with projects over time, constantly tinkering with them, revising them, and improving them. So she and D.J. had often had discussions about whether something was a work-in-progress or a too-good-to-throw-away piece taking up space. It proved difficult to distinguish at times, because sometimes it was more in the eyes of the beholder. Finally, they seemed to settle on a workable arrangement. When his mom could no longer walk by without sighing, she would bring it to the attention of D.J. They agreed that he should be able to clearly tell her what his plans were for the object/project or what or ideas he was currently wrestling with. In other words, if it was just lying dormant, he had to come up with a plan for it, or it was going to the big Goodwill bin in the sky. Although this was hardly a foolproof strategy, it often prompted D.J. to actively consider making improvements to the project, or recognition that he could make better use of the parts. Having to think about it and explain it was actually a better consequence for him than periodically arguing with his mother about what was and was not a mess.

D.J.’s mom and dad decided they appreciated growth more than tidiness. Well at least his mom did. Andy was never very tidy to begin with. The trade-off often occurred around the need to sustain projects or processes over extended amounts of time. Instead of a project being a one-and-done process, where the model is built and displayed, projects were viewed more as works in progress. Many projects had deadlines or ran their course in terms of interest, but the idea that projects needed time for experimenting and revision, opportunities for feedback, and further research were values they hoped for D.J. to assimilate. They also supported the idea that projects often needed to allow for trial and error where early attempts failed, but there was learning to be had in the process.

After D.J.’s Legos sat on the living room floor for three days and after several prompts from his mother about family space vs. his space, his mother made them disappear.

“Mom, that was a project I was working on,” complained D.J., referring to the family’s tolerance for works in progress.

“Oh, and what was the project,” she asked.

“It was going to be a robot,” he explained.

“Well, your robot needs to learn how to gather himself up and avoid invading mother-monsters,” she smiled.

“Maybe he’ll need a death ray,” he warned.

“You mean like my evil, ‘This has got to go’ stare,” she asked.

“Yeah. Mothers don’t fight fair.”

Several years later:

“D.J., have you ever considered showing your blog site and videos to some of the people at the university,” his dad asked.

“What do you mean,” D.J. wondered.

“Well, you know how every year they have the Robot competition on campus and you go home each year saying, …

“I can’t wait to go to school there. Yeah, I know,” he recalled.

“Well. I wonder if there’s a professor over there who would be interested in seeing some of the robots you have built. They’re pretty cool. I’ll bet other people think so too,” he reminded him.

“Why would I do that,” D.J. asked.

“Well, maybe there is some way for you to get involved with the robot people on campus (even though you are too young to be a student there),” Andy wondered.

“You think so,” he asked.

“It never hurts to ask. Even if they say, ‘no’ you might get an idea of where you can find other people interested in the things you are doing,” he said.

“There’s no way they would want me working there, Dad,” D.J. said.

“Tell you what. Make a short You Tube piece about your two favorite projects and send it to me as an attachment,” his dad said. “I will show it to some guys at work and ask them what they think. Would that be okay?”

Two weeks later:

“Ladies and gentlemen, and graduate students, today’s lab meeting will be something that will help us think outside the box a little more. Find a seat next to someone you don’t normally work with and find one of the boxes on the table to share,” Andy explained.

“Legos,” shouted a couple of folks in the back.

“Bring back some good memories?” he asked. “And let me introduce our guest lab assistant for the day, my son D.J., who is here to assist anyone with anything Lego related. During the next hour, build something nobody knows they need and then we will do show and tell.”

“We got dibs on D.J.,” came another shout from the back.

“We already have him. You’ll just have to wait your turn,” came a response from the grad student sitting next to D.J.

“So what did you think of coming to our lab meeting,” Andy asked.

“It was fun. Your students made some pretty weird stuff,” he laughed.

“Yeah. It’s interesting to see how people think, isn’t it,” Andy observed.

“Some people made stuff kind of like you see everyday and other people had creations that seemed really …”

“Off the wall,” Andy said, finishing his thought.

“What does off the wall mean,” D.J. asked.

“Way outside the box. Really unusual or unique.”

“Yeah. Definitely ‘off the wall’. Those were the ones who seemed to be having the most fun, too,” D.J. said.

“That’s an interesting observation. I think you are absolutely right,” he said. “I’ll point that out to them next week.”

D.J. beamed.

“So, did you ever get ahold of the engineering professor who does robotics,” Andy asked.

“No. I went to his office Friday, but then I left,” D.J. explained.

“Why?”

“Well, I was sitting in this waiting room area and nobody even spoke to me. The professor walked by and didn’t say ‘hi’. He looked kind of mad and in a hurry. I figured he didn’t have time for me and wouldn’t really be interested in a kid,” D.J. recalled.

“You figured all that out how,” his dad asked.

“I could just tell, dad. The man is busy and important,” D.J. said.

“Some people would describe me as busy and important, except maybe your mother,” Andy said.

“That’s different. You’re my dad,” D.J. responded.

“My students and I had fun at that lab meeting, didn’t we,” Andy reminded him.

“How come you let them call you by your first name,” D.J. asked.

“Because I won’t let them call me dad. Only you get to,” his dad chuckled. “Dr. Granger is a nice man, even if he is busy and important. I’m sure he would gladly take a look at your robot projects. Do you think you can go back and give it another try at his office,” Andy asked.

“I know that if I don’t you will keep asking me about it,” D.J. said.

“Yeah. That’s probably right. The lesser of the two evils is going to Dr. Granger, isn’t it,” Andy laughed.

“What did mom mean when she said you are like a dog with a bone,” D.J. wondered.

“She thinks I can be stubborn, but in a good way,” Andy clarified.

“You mean stubborn, like nagging me to do stuff,” D.J. asked.

“Yeah. That’s probably why she said it,” Andy answered.

ANALYSIS

D.J.’s dad is sometimes like a dog with a bone; but in a good way. He doesn’t accept easy excuses for avoidance of tasks that are threatening but important. He knows it is intimidating for D.J. to go talk to the professor, but he also knows that D.J.’s interest in robots would make him a good fit for some of the work taking place in the engineering department. He realizes the importance this relationship could be to D.J., and wants to do what he can to facilitate it. Sound like he may have the ingredients of a charismatic adult? Hopefully. Consequently, D.J.’s dad is not taking ‘no’ for an answer. He knows his son can be anxious and sometimes shy, but he also knows that once he got started some place unfamiliar, he would settle in and do fine. D.J. doesn’t like to try new foods, but after encouragement to at least try a bite, he often asks for more. Same with new clothes, trips to new places and meeting new people.

Consequently, D.J.’s parents are constantly making A MESS of him. Aware of his reluctance, they assess his capability and tune into his interests. When they see goals that he is forgoing because of his difficulty with change, they provide him the encouragement (and sometimes the gentle push) to engage and stay engaged. If they are right, the activity or the people become satisfying enough for him to remain engaged. Until then, they help him soothe his anxiety with questions about goals or reassurances about past successes.

Andy had him come to the lab meeting where his Lego skills could be appreciated. During that hour, he was hardly the little kid in the corner. He was going from group to group answering questions. His dad knew that there was likely a role for him in someone’s lab on campus, given what he had seen D.J. produce at home. As they watched the robot competition on campus, D.J. would be full of ideas of the changes he would make in the robots to help them run the obstacle course or do battle with the other robots.

I Love Math

Speaking of developing D.J.’s self-esteem. Watch how his parents support his interest and strength in math and buffer him from the potential alienation some kids feel when they are gifted and talented, especially in math.

“Mom. I fink I in wuv,” D.J. told his mother, with a mouth full of tuna sandwich.

“How about you swallow that bite and say it again,” Helen said.

“I said, ‘I think I’m in love’,” he repeated.

“Oh? My, my, you’ve grown up so fast. Did you and your dad do any talking on your camping trip,” she asked.

“You mean, have Dad and I had ‘The Talk’,” he asked.

“Yeah. That’s what I meant,” she fumbled.

“Mom. I’m talking about a different (kind of) love. I’m in love with Math,” D.J. announced.

“Oh, well that’s a relief. I mean, I’m happy for you,” she said.

“Don’t worry, Mom. When I’m in love with a girl, you’ll be the last to know,” D.J. kidded her.

“Hmmm. So, tell me about your new love,” Helen said, trying to regain her composure.

“Well, it’s really not new. I just decided to tell everyone,” he said.

“Oh, I’ve never heard of a grand opening for Math,” she said.

“That’s just it mom. No one seems to be proud of liking Math,” he complained. “At school, there are the kids who are good at baseball and basketball. There are the popular kids, who are good at being popular. But no one is liked for being good at Math,” he said, with some exasperation.

“Yeah. I haven’t seen too many Monday Night Math Games or Math cheerleaders,” she agreed.

“You know, there are more kids who brag about hating math than admitting they love math,” he said.

“I know adults who joke about being bad at Math, as if they are proud of it,” his mom agreed.

“Isn’t that dumb? Why would people be proud of that?” he wondered.

“I’m not sure, but I think lots of people find math very frustrating and maybe they take some comfort in knowing others feel the same way? I don’t know. What do you think?” she asked.

“Got me. I just think Math is beautiful,” D.J. said.

“Are you going to start writing love sonnets to Math,” she asked.

“Huh?”

“An exponent, by any other name, would compound as well,” she began.

“Mom. Seriously?”

“So you are coming out of the shadows with your love of Math,” she asked.

“If you mean, am I going to let people know? Yes. Kids shouldn’t be called names because they like math or science,” he complained. “How come kids who are good at sports are so popular?”

“You are asking the wrong person, kiddo. I was one of the geeks. Like your dad,” she smiled. “Speaking of going public, do the kids at school know you like to watch math videos (on KahnAcademy.org)?”

“That’s my little secret, Mom,” he said.

“Why, are you afraid of getting teased,” she asked.

“No, I’m afraid it will be bad for business. You see. I decided I’m going to start a little company,” he said proudly.

“Oh? Tell me more,” she said, not exactly shocked.

“I’m going to start a math tutoring business,” he announced.

“And who are your customers,” she asked.

“Anyone who is willing to pay,” he said.

“Hmm. A grade school start-up company,” she mused. “Do you have a business plan?”

“A what,” D.J. asked.

“That’s another talk you need to have with your father,” she laughed.

“Oh, I already have. Dad thinks the idea is cool. He told me a cool idea for making money,” D.J. announced.

“I’ll bet he did. Does it have anything to do with dumpsters?” she asked.

“Mom. We are so done with dumpster diving. Why do you keep bringing that back up?” he asked.

“I guess it made a lasting impression,” she said.

“Dad’s idea is cool. He said that in middle school they have sports teams. And to be able to play, kids have to be passing all their classes,” he beamed. “And you know what class they are probably not passing?”

“Math. So you plan to go over to the middle school and take advantage of some poor desperate athletes,” she feigned shock and horror.

“Ca-ching! You got it, Mom. Dad said go talk to the coaches,” D.J. announced.

“So, they are going to let a grade school kid come tutor their players in math,” she asked.

“Mom. It’s all about Math. They want to put points on the board and I’m the guy who can help them do it,” D.J. announced.

“You and Dad watched Money Ball again, didn’t you,” she asked.

“How did you guess?” D.J. asked.

She just rolled her eyes. “And I suppose you and Dad already have business cards ordered for you?” she asked.

“What are business cards?” he joked. “Dad helped me set up my LinkedIn profile.”

“How much are you going to charge?” she asked.

“That’s a secret, Mom. If you knew, you might lower my allowance,” he smiled.

“I might come to you for a loan, it sounds like,” she laughed.

ANALYSIS

Do you suppose the teenage version of D.J. was teased and bullied as a kid? Pretty safe bet? He wasn’t angry and alienated for no reason. He felt like he did not fit in. He also felt like there was pressure to be someone other than himself if he did want to fit in. The self vs. relatedness bind was front and center for him and he rejected the relatedness compromise he felt pressured to make.

As we learned, neither of his parents found adolescence to be a period in their lives they would wish to repeat. Nor did they find preadolescence very easy for them socially. They tended to immerse themselves in their books and fantasy and waited for something miraculous to change. Finding each other in the Chem Lab, I guess, counts as something miraculous.

Fortunately for this younger version of D.J., his parents, version 2.0, are not passively waiting for the stars to align for their son. As you can see from the vignettes, they support his interests and develop his talents – geeky as they may be to the outside world. Without their support, D.J. could be left to judge himself based on comparisons with peers and the norms they create. He is not very interested in team sports. Who knows if he is athletic? He has simply been more interested in other things, like insects, building stuff, and now … making money.

This last interest may be a little of the competitive, aggressive part of him emerging. He can be a little annoyed that sports and who’s popular take on such importance. There’s a part of him that wishes he could get some recognition for who he is, beyond the praise of his parents and teachers. He may be only a grade school kid, but he is well aware of the fact that grown-up geeky people like him have started companies and are making lots of money.

Kids need passion and purpose. Some kids, like Neal are concerned about fairness and justice. Some kids like Mitch find purpose in helping younger kids through tutoring or coaching. Others, like Sophie, want to go to bat for causes, like animal rights. D.J. does not seem quite so altruistic; but if love of math and making money give him identity and purpose, then great. That’s who he is.

Doing a good job of making A MESS of your kid involves attunement to these interests of passions, and then a willingness to provide opportunities for sustained engagement so that they can have the satisfaction of gaining competence and mastery. There are plenty of distractions and impediments to this sustained engagement. An attunement to goals or ambitions can help a child sustain stay the course when there is a strong head wind. That attunement and support provides the soothing that they can eventually provide for themselves.

This little tutoring venture sounds ambitious and it very well might fail. But little failures are also a great way to learn. In the Silicon Valley Start-Up world, failures are not viewed as sources of shame. They are seen as opportunities to learn how to do it better the next time around. Talk about making A MESS out of a mess! Failure becomes a great source of assessment of what needs to be mastered next time around. This mentality, that if you are not earning, at least you are learning, provides the soothing sufficient to stay engaged – in the Valley of opportunity.

His parents have rescued their son’s mathematical soul. How many kids grow up believing they are “no good” at math? And how many of those same kids find a way feel good about it and make others feel bad about being good at math? Pretty twisted, don’t you think? Competence in math will open many doors for D.J. and will be an important part of his self-esteem (GSE). He just can’t get his head around the idea that math ability could be a source of teasing and humiliation. Fortunately, his parents buffered him from those potential attacks.

The teenage version of D.J. was convinced that other kids did not like him or approve of his appearance, interests, or values. He was on guard for slights and rejection. His defensiveness and reactivity often elicited the very rejection he feared. In the previous vignette, his parents encouraged him to engage with others around his talents and interests. In the next vignette, we will see how parental attunement can never take a holiday.

DJ Assumes Rejection

The mother we met in the first part of the book might have noticed her son’s upset, but would not have engaged him in a process that challenged the passive avoidance so characteristic of the teenager we met earlier. This version of Helen is different, though.

“What are you doing home so early?” Helen asked.

“We only had a half day of school today,” D.J. explained.

“You had a half day of classes, but the afternoon was for organizing clubs. Didn’t you go to that?” she asked.

“Well sort of,” D.J. explained.

“Well, you are sort of home instead of at school, so tell me what happened,” Helen asked.

“There weren’t any clubs I was interested in,” D.J. answered.

“I knew you were not excited about any of the clubs on the list. But I thought you were going to try to start a club,” she recalled.

“Nobody is interested. I just came home,” D.J. said.

“What do you mean, ‘Nobody is interested’,” she asked. “Did you set up a booth and tell people about your idea?”

“No. I didn’t have to. I knew nobody was interested,” he explained.

“I’m not understanding. How did you know that,” she asked.

“When I got there, everyone was crowded around the tables of the other clubs. Mr. Johnson didn’t even pay attention to me when I walked in. He was too busy with the other clubs,” D.J. said.

“And what did you decide when Mr. Johnson didn’t notice you,” she asked.

“I knew he was more interested in the other clubs and he had forgotten about me,” D.J. said. “I don’t think he has time to sponsor another club. Especially a real nerdy one like mine.”

“Did you check with Alan or Kenny? I thought they were interested,” she reminded him.

“They were at the Space Club Booth,” he said. “Kenny is going to Space Camp in Alabama this summer. That’s all he talks about.”

“So you decided nobody wanted to be a club that built stuff,” Helen asked again.

“No way. They have plenty of clubs and those other clubs are far more popular,” D.J. said.

“So, let me get this straight. You showed up in the school gym this afternoon, but after seeing everyone excited about the other clubs, you decided no one would want to join your club,” she summarized.

“Yeah. Why are you asking me all these questions, Mom,” D.J. wondered.

“My guess is that you jumped to a conclusion that no one was interested,” she said.

“I didn’t just jump to it. It was pretty clear. You weren’t there, Mom,” D.J. defended himself.

“No I wasn’t. However, I do know that Kenny and Alan like to build stuff. I do know that when you talked to Mr. Johnson, he sounded interested in your club idea. Am I right,” she asked.

“I thought so too, but things must have changed, because they could have cared less if I was there today,” D.J. whined.

“D.J., can somebody be interested in more than one thing at the same time,” his mom asked.

“Me or other people? I know that Dad likes basketball and baseball and sometimes football, but they are at different times of year,” D.J. answered.

“Yes. And he likes photography and playing golf. Do you think your dad would be interested in being in more than one club if he was in school,” she asked, already knowing D.J. knew the answer to that one.

“Mom, I know what I saw. Those people were not interested in me being there today. I could tell. There was no booth set up and no one even said, ‘Hi’ to me when I walked in,” he said, sounding kind of sad.

“It would have been nice if someone had greeted you. I can tell that hurt your feelings. Do you think when your feelings got hurt, you assumed no one cared about your club,” she asked.

“Yeah.”

“I have an idea. School is still going on. Let’s go over to the school and see if anyone is interested in your club,“ she suggested.

“Oh, mom. That will be embarrassing,” he complained.

“Yeah. There’s a risk that it will be. What is worse? Feeling embarrassed today or not having your club all semester,” she wondered.

“Mom. If I am right, I will get both: embarrassed and stood-up,” he said.

“Well, in that case, then we will just go to Dairy Queen afterwards and drown our sorrows in a Blizzard,” she laughed.

“I can be bought. Let’s go before the DQ closes,” D.J. said.

“You mean before school closes, don’t you?” she corrected.

“Sure, Mom. Whatever you say,” D.J. said.

“Go find your poster and I’ll back the car out,” she said.

ANALYSIS

Did you recognize what A MESS Helen made of this club affair? She knows her son well enough that he probably went to school and misperceived the reaction he got from the other kids and teachers. Or rather, their lack of reaction to him left him to conclude that he was being rejected. This was not the first time D.J. snatched defeat from the jaws of victory. To think, his mom was sure she had all these ducks lined up in a row for him. All he had to do was show up. She knew that Mr. Johnson was interested in D.J.’s building club idea. She also knew there were at least two kids in his class that were interested: Kenny and Alan. So how did this go down in flames? Obviously, D.J. filled the void of information or ambiguity with a message of rejection. He still lacked the ability to read others’ emotions or intentions. Consequently, he had a readiness to see rejection even in situations where it was not intended. This emotional competence was still a work in progress. And today was a good example of his deficiency.

Not to worry. Helen knew this day was scheduled and she was waiting to hear the outcome. As soon as she saw him home early, she guessed something was not right. Her questioning both confirmed her worst fears, but also called attention to the assumptions that D.J. had made without a sound basis. This was a problem with both emotional competence and logical thinking. D.J. is sensitive and smart, but in this case, those two qualities resulted in him tucking his tail between his legs and retreating too quickly and with the wrong conclusions. In other words, he could not tolerate how bad it felt to be at school feeling rejected and unable to soothe himself. So he quickly disengaged. Who could blame him?

His mother quickly recognized that this “show and tell” club fair worked well for most kids, but was probably too overwhelming for D.J. to manage on his own. She decided, after hearing what happened, that D.J. probably needed her to help him reengage. Otherwise, he was going to be left believing his assumptions to be true. She would take him back to the school gymnasium and find Mr. Johnson and get D.J. to reengage. The process would be tolerable for D.J. if his mother was along and, like he said, he could tolerate lots of things if DQ awaited him at the other end. He also enjoyed hanging out with him mom, so this was going to be a lot easier than his first attempt.

Can you see the makings of the teenage D.J.’s defensive illogical thinking in this vignette above? Without some challenges, he is capable of reaching conclusions about rejection from little shreds of evidence. Instead of checking out those assumptions, he retreats into his cave, licks his wounds, and is convinced his beliefs about himself and others are correct. In the vignette above, his mom is asking him to check his data; contrast it with other evidence; retest his assumptions – essential components of logical thinking. We already knew that D.J. needed extra help discerning emotional cues in others. Now we know he needs help with the interface between logical thinking (LT) and social/emotional awareness (EC). More resilient kids would have gone to this club fair and been able to hold on to the idea that someone had already told them of their interest; or they would have felt secure enough to know that initial lack of responsiveness did not mean rejection. They would have been able to soothe themselves enough to stay engaged long enough to find someone who would have shown enough interest to reassure them. For D.J., at this point in his childhood, he needs an attentive parent who knows when he needs a little more help with staying engaged and soothing himself.

The curiosity his mother employed to help him examine his reasoning is a process she wants D.J. to make his own. She wants him to ask himself, ‘what would my mom ask me’? She also asked him to examine how he was feeling and what that meant. So, instead of avoiding his feelings, he analyzed them and figured out what would make things work better for him.

Helping D.J. develop emotional competence began with his mother’s improvements in that domain (compared to Part 1). The earlier version of his mom sensed his pain or suffering, but did not want to do anything to make him feel worse. That version of his mom didn’t know what to do with the messiness of emotions. In sharp contrast, this version of his mom was willing to challenge him. He felt uncomfortable in the process, but that was a necessary part of staying engaged in with the hard work of making relationships work. Relatedness (REL) was an area sorely lacking in the earlier D.J.. This version of his mother held him with the zone of development (ZPD) he needed to work on mastery and grow. Good for her, because she and D.J. would have been far more comfortable if she had just let him go upstairs to his room. A retreat to his room was the teenage D.J.’s crude attempt at emotional safety. His mom provided that safety by her presence and reasoning. Ultimately, reasoning will become D.J.’s best source of self-soothing. Yes, this new version of D.J.’s mom was good at making A MESS.

Good thing she was bringing her ‘A’ game this time around, because the following discussion between mother and son highlights how much developmental work was needed in the areas of emotional competence, logical thinking and communication.

D.J. Recognizing Feelings

“Did you have fun with Kenny,” Helen asked.

“Yeah,” answered D.J.

“How come he asked to go home early,” she wondered.

“I don’t know,” said D.J.

“Do you think Kenny had fun at our house,” she asked.

“Yeah. I think so,” D.J. responded.

“How do you know he had fun?” she asked.

“I don’t know. Just do,” he said.

“What did he say that made you think he had a good time,” she asked.

“I don’t know, Mom. Why are you asking?” D.J. asked.

“Do kids ask to go home early when they are having a good time?” she wondered.

“Maybe he had to go somewhere,” D.J. guessed.

“When I was in the kitchen, I heard you guys arguing,” Helen recalled.

“He wanted some of my pieces that I was using,” D.J. recalled

“Were you working on something together or separately?” she asked.

“We were each building something,” D.J. said. “He wanted some pieces I knew I was going to need.”

“He was asking you to share?” Helen asked.

“Yeah. But I was going to need those pieces later,” D.J. reminded her.

“How did he feel when you said, ‘no’ to him?” Helen asked.

“I don’t know. But he quit asking,” he recalled.

“How can you tell when someone is unhappy?” she asked.

“I guess they cry,” D.J. guessed.

“Yeah. But there are other ways people show they are unhappy, honey,” she said.

“Like getting mad?” he asked.

“Yeah. Some people get mad and shout. Some people get mad and pout,” she said.

“Shout and pout,” he laughed, reacting to his mother’s unintended rhyme.

“You know what a pouty face looks like?” she asked as she showed him.

“Yeah. But he didn’t look like that. He was just quiet the whole time,” D.J. recalled.

“Is your friend quiet at school,” she asked.

“No. He talks all the time,” D.J. said.

“Then if he was quiet, maybe something was the matter. What do you think?” she wondered.

“Do you think he was mad?” D.J. asked.

“I don’t know, but when people get quiet, sometimes that can mean something,” she said.

“Like what?” he asked.

“Well in this case, my guess is he was either sad or mad,” she said. “What do you think?”

“I’ll bet he was mad,” D.J. said.

“What makes you think that?” his mom asked.

“He said, ‘That’s not fair’ to me a couple of times,” he recalled.

“Did anything else give you a hint he was mad?” she wondered.

“I don’t know, but he wouldn’t help clean up when he got up to leave. do you think that meant he was mad?”

“I don’t know. Guess we should have asked him. If you wouldn’t share with him, he could have been sad or mad or both,” she said.

“Guess I screwed things up, huh Mom?” D.J. said, looking a little sad.

“Yeah, but I’ll bet he’ll give you a second chance,” she guessed.

“How do you know?” D.J. asked.

“Well. How about when you see him in school tomorrow, you say something like, ‘I’m sorry I didn’t share with you. Want to come over again sometime and I’ll do a better job of sharing’. I’ll bet that will work,” she said.

“So you want me to go kiss and make up,” D.J. asked.

“Where did you learn that line?” Helen laughed.

“Dad told me to do that with you when I was being mean to you,” D.J. recalled.

“Well, for now, Daddy and I are the only ones you have to kiss when you want to make up. I think your friend will just accept a good apology,” she said.

“Good. I didn’t want to have to kiss him,” he said.

“Nah. There will be plenty of that in your future. For now, you just have to learn to apologize when you hurt somebody’s feelings,” she said.

“Mom. Can you let me know when I am hurting somebody’s feelings? I didn’t mean to,” D.J. said.

“If I am around, do you want me to tell you?” she asked.

“I wish you could just send a message that only I would hear,” he said.

“Well, if I am around and something like that happens again, I will point to my eyes to let you know,” she said.

“Why point to your eyes?” he asked.

“Well, when people are upset, they usually show it with their eyes,” she explained.

“You mean like crying,” he asked.

“Yeah, but other ways too,” she continued.

“How?” D.J. asked.

“Well, when you and I are together, we can look for chances to figure out what people are feeling,” she said.

“Kind of like a mystery?” D.J. asked.

“Yeah. And when we watch television, we can stop the show and guess what the people are feeling before we let the show continue,” she explained.

“Hey. That sounds like a cool game,” D.J. said.

“Now look at my face. Do you know what I am feeling?” she asked.

“No. But I know what you are thinking,” D.J. said.

“What is that?” she asked.

“That if I don’t go get ready for bed, there will be no time left for stories,” D.J. said.

“Hmmm. That works,” she laughed.

ANALYSIS

How do you make A MESS of your kid? Tell him he screwed up with his friend. D.J.’s mom was tuned into the fact that he is not as socially and emotionally adept as he needs to be. It was clear to her that his friend was not having a good time and she was not surprised when Kenny asked to go home early. Rather than embarrass D.J. in front of his friend, she waited for an opportunity to talk with him about his understanding of the interaction. As she suspected, there was much about his friend and their interaction that D.J. missed. Do you recall the teenage version of D.J.? He assumed that most of the kids at school didn’t like him. When we looked a little closer, we found not only some misperceptions, but also some behavior on his part that was pretty off-putting.

This 2.0 version of D.J. and his mother allows us to do some preliminary developmental work before he gets to adolescence and screws things up enough that he just isolates himself in his room. In the vignette above, D.J.’s mom was teaching him how to be more attentive to how people are feeling, based on how they look or act. She was also telling him that sometimes we can make good guesses about how they are feeling based on what has happened. She recognized that for his relationships (REL) to be successful, he needed to be more emotionally competent (EC) and empathic (EMP).

D.J.’s cluelessness about what his friend was feeling became apparent when she asked about his wish to go home early. Her questioning of him served two purposes. Firstly, she got an assessment of where he stood developmentally in recognizing other people’s feelings. Secondly, she asked him questions that forced him to have to think more about how his friend must have been feeling, especially based on how he treated him. She knows that D.J. can get so absorbed in his projects that he fails to tune into others adequately. This interview was a gentle reminder of his need to be more attentive to his friend. She knew that Kenny was a pretty resilient kid. That was one reason she encouraged D.J. to invite him over to their house. It was also good, because Kenny is more likely to accept the apology and come back for another try. Besides, she knew he was quite the Lego lover and he and D.J. have that passion in common.

Can you see the potential for the Self vs. Relatedness Bind that we saw in the teenage version of D.J.? Can you see how the teenage D.J. came to be so isolated? In this grade school version of D.J., we see more of a Selfish vs. Relating Bind. Fortunately for him, his mother is on top of his developmental needs in the areas of relating, emotional competence and empathy. Some kids, like Neal, are more tuned into the feelings of others. D.J. will need more conscious efforts like what his mother initiated above. Given D.J.’s level of social development, it was probably necessary for her to equip him with the words for an apology.

This version of D.J.’s mom is quite different than the earlier version who took a ‘worried waiting’ approach. That mom knew he was suffering, but didn’t really know what to do for him. She had felt alienated as kid and spent most of her childhood in a book. Fortunately, this version of his mom has made the effort to understand a little more about how and why she suffered as a kid. Instead of just trying not to think about that unhappy time of her life, she thought about what she wished she had been able to do or what would have been helpful to her. She was shy and sensitive as a kid, with interests that weren’t very main stream – not unlike D.J.. The more she investigated the more she recognized what would have been helpful if someone had been tuned into how much she was struggling. Reading was her place of refuge and it served her well in terms of success in school and career. But she realized it was a defense that allowed her to avoid fearful (but valuable) interactions. She also began to recognize that D.J. was different in the sense that emotional awareness and even empathy were not easy fits for him. She recognized that ‘hopeful waiting’ was not what she needed. The difference between this woman and the previous version of D.J.’s mother was the hard work she did for herself in those same areas of d need: emotional competence, empathy and relating to others.

These parents were quite different in another respect. They were more engaged with their son. They communicated with him effectively, knowing to ask when something was wrong instead of just worrying. Worry is a valuable emotion, but it should lead to an inquiry about its cause and possible solutions. One very effective means of keeping up with their son was the nightly bedtime ritual of story time. D.J. is a smart kid, but that intelligence can be put to use in confirming his assumptions and misperceptions. Bedtime was often an opportunity to review his day and check out what sense he was making of things. Their joke between them was, “Get to him before the cement dries.” That meant that once D.J. made sense of something, it was hard to shake him, so getting in on the ‘news of the day’ early was important.

Playground Politics

In this vignette, you’ll see the same concept at work, when D.J.’s father helps him gain valuable perspective on feelings and the behavior of another kid. See if you can recognize how the developmental goals of communication, empathy, logical thinking, and moral integrity are promoted at bedtime.

“Dad, what makes somebody a bully?” D.J. asked, as he settled into bed.

“Why do you ask?” Andy wondered.

“Cause, on the playground (at school) I get bullied,” D.J. said.

“I’m sorry to hear that. Tell me what has happened,” he said

“Well there are some guys, in the older grade. I know to stay away from them. They make fun of me if I’m looking for insects or walking around by myself,” he explained.

“Keep going,” his dad encouraged.

“Well, today, James tripped me; on purpose. I thought James was one of the good kids,” D.J. complained.

“Got any ideas (why)?” his dad asked. “Tell me more (details about) what was going on at the time he tripped you.”

“Well, it was recess. A bunch of the boys were on the basketball court. I was on my way to the milkweed patch, ‘cause I knew there would be some butterflies there. I guess I stopped to watch a little bit,” he explained.

“So what did you observe?” Andy asked.

“Well, they are always teasing each other and calling each other names. I guess they consider that fun. Sometimes they laugh at each other and say things like ‘You’re acting like a girl’,” D.J. said.

“Were they playing basketball? What was James doing,” Andy asked.

“I think they were choosing sides, but there wasn’t an even number of kids,” he said.

“Oh, oh,” his dad said. “Go on.”

“I think they picked teams and left James out as the last one,” D.J. recalled.

“And then what?” Andy asked.

“James was upset and then he said (to me), ‘What are you looking at?’ and before I knew it, he tripped me,” D.J. recalled.

“Oh, that’s not fair,” Andy said.

“Yeah. I haven’t ever done anything to James,” D.J. said.

“Why do you think James was mad at you?” his dad asked.

“I don’t know. That’s why I’m asking you. I didn’t do anything,” he said, looking pretty sad.

“What James did to you wasn’t fair. I’m sorry he hurt you. Do you want to figure out why he did something like that?” his dad asked.

“Yeah, ‘cause I thought James was somebody I could trust to treat me right,” D.J. said.

“Right now, I just want to hurt him back.”

“I can understand how you feel. I get angry when people treat me unfairly.”

“Do you feel like hurting them,” D.J. asked.

“Sure I do. But I usually find something good to do with my anger,” Andy explained.

“Like what,” D.J. asked, surprised to hear his dad got angry with other people.

“When I feel angry I know it means something is not right and needs changing. If somebody has been unfair with me, I figure out some way to fix it so they don’t treat me that way in the future,” Andy explained.

“Like learning how to fight,” D.J. asked.

“Fighting with good ideas and words,” Andy said.

“Oh, so you trash talk them,” he asked.

“No. First I try to figure out why they acted the way they did and then I tell them I can’t be treated that way,” Andy said.

“Have you tried that method with a playground bully, lately dad,” D.J. asked.

“In your case, the school principal can be very persuasive,” Andy said. “I know you are angry at James and you should be. How about we try to figure out why he tripped you.”

“That would be good to know,” D.J. agreed.

“How do you think James was feeling when he tripped you,” Andy asked.

“That’s easy. I could tell by looking at him; he was angry,” D.J. said. “But why was he angry at me, Dad?”

“Do you think he was angry at you,” Andy asked.

“It sure felt like it. He said, ‘What are you looking at?’ and then he tripped me. Doesn’t that sound like he was mad at me,” D.J. asked.

“It sounds like he was mad, but maybe he wasn’t mad at you,” Andy said.

“Could have fooled me, Dad,” D.J. said.

“Let’s take a different look at things. Imagine you were James, standing beside the court, hoping to get picked to play basketball,” Andy said.

“Oh, I know what you’re getting at, Dad. You think James was mad about not getting picked,” D.J. said.

“Yeah. Do you remember watching that process? How did you feel when you saw it happen,” his dad asked.

“Before he tripped me, I kind of felt sorry for him. It wasn’t fair to leave him out of the game,” D.J. said.

“How do you suppose that made James feel,” Andy asked.

“Probably hurt and angry,” D.J. realized.

“I would guess so,” Andy said.

“And then he took it out on me,” D.J. said, returning to how he felt rather than sticking with any sympathy for James. “Are you saying James tried to make me feel like he felt?”

“I don’t know if he tried, but sometimes people who feel put down by others, turn around and find someone else to put down,” Andy explained.

“Wow. That sucks,” D.J. said.

“Yeah. I think the world is full of that, unfortunately,” Andy observed.

“So, is James a bully,” D.J. asked.

“What do you think,” Andy asked.

“Before today I would have said, ‘Definitely no’. But after today, I would say, ‘Maybe’,” D.J. reasoned.

“So, James does not normally bully others,” Andy asked.

“No. Today is the only time I know of,” D.J. said.

“From what you have told me, we could say that James is a good kid who bullied you today,” his dad ventured. “Does that sound right?”

“Yeah. Good kid with a small ‘g’,” he said. “That doesn’t make what he did right.”

“Absolutely not. What he did to you was not fair and I hope he apologizes,” Andy said.

“I do too, because I was thinking of hitting him with my (butterfly net) stick,” D.J. said.

“I can understand why you would want to. If you did that, what would happen the next day on the bus,” Andy asked.

“I would have to have my stick with me at all times,” D.J. said.

“Yeah. I think you see how it works,” Andy said.

“Can you sign me up for Taekwondo,” D.J. asked.

“How come,” Andy asked.

“So I can carry a stick without it being so obvious,” D.J. said.

ANALYSIS

Playground politics is beyond D.J.’s capability of understanding or getting involved with. However, he thought he had come to a basic understanding of who to avoid and who was safe. Getting tripped by James was a violation of that order. The teenage D.J. had come to assume he could not trust anyone. The younger D.J. could easily take an incident like this and reach similar conclusions. It was good that his bedtime ritual allowed for some review of the day and (logical) rethinking (LT) of why things happened. Without his father’s involvement, D.J. could easily have concluded that James was mad at him and he had been the target of bullying.

This was a nice example of his father empathizing (EMP) with him, but then asking him to think more deeply about what happened and why. D.J.’s conclusion was that James was mad at him for some reason. He didn’t know why, but it must have been something about him that James didn’t like. That, unfortunately, fits with the thinking of the alienated teenage version of D.J. By asking him to look more deeply at what took place, Andy helped him reach a more nuanced view of the incident. By first empathizing with D.J. and how it made him feel, he could then move to a request to wonder about how James was feeling. Only after that exploration did D.J. come to realize that he was not the target of a bully, but rather the wrong kid in the wrong place. James was not a bully, but he had felt hurt and angry and lashed out in the moment. D.J. may not be sophisticated enough to handle that situation differently, but now he understands better why it happened. He also has a different view of James: bad behavior, but not bad kid.

It is a little bit much to ask D.J. to go to school and attempt rapprochement with James. They didn’t have a close relationship to begin with, nor is that something a kid like D.J. could do. If it were, he wouldn’t spend most of recess looking for butterflies and bully free zones.

In an ideal world, Andy would get on the phone and call James’ father and said, “Hey, I wondered if you would talk to James about tripping D.J. today on the playground. Maybe you can help James figure out why, because that’s not like him.” The father of the teenage D.J. we met earlier could never have made that call. He would have hoped that James’ behavior was atypical and things would blow over. He wanted to avoid conflict and emotional upset, just like his son did. This 2.0 version of D.J.’s father may be able to pull it off. It would be good for both boys to talk with their parents about what happened.

James’ father should know his son engaged in some bullying behavior but is certainly not a bully. He needs to appreciate how he felt and why he did what he did. The choosing teams process made James feel like the lowest kid on the court. Tripping D.J. allowed him to not be THE lowest. But that kind of insight is not available to a grade school kid without an adult to walk him through it. Even so, the main reason for a talk with James is a simpler one: Knowing that his father disapproves of that behavior and is disappointed in him. Moral integrity (MI) starts with caring and caring begins with knowing what our parents care about.

D.J. may be good at avoiding threats on the playground, but this incident unearthed some anger and a wish to defend himself. The last thing we want is for him to haul off and clobber James with his butterfly net. I doubt he intended to use the end with the net. Some of the kids already thought D.J. eccentric. If he clobbered James, there would be even more reason to reject him and even more reason for D.J. to feel alienated. D.J.’s isolation as a teenager was not just because of his fears of rejection. He also feared what his anger might be capable of producing. Although the teenage D.J. put most of that anger into his art and music, it left him fearful that there was something wrong with him if he felt anger so intensely.

In this vignette, Andy has provided him an opportunity to talk about how he feels and why. We can see that D.J. for the most part tries to avoid trouble. The teenage version of D.J. also tries to avoid feelings of hurt and anger by distracting himself and staying clear of the disappointments that might provoke those feelings. We can see in the younger version of D.J. the beginnings of this. He avoids kids on the playground who are a threat and is rejected by others who think he is weird. And then, when an incident like James’ occurs, he borders on the verge of wanting to violently strike out. He has no experience with understanding his anger and making effective use of it; unless he has a 2.0 version of a father who gives him permission to explore those feelings. D.J. should feel angry. And he should come to understand why James was as well. This was an example of the emotional competence (EC) work that D.J. needed. It was possible because this version of is father did not avoid conflict and strong emotions. He felt strong enough to tolerate the emotions of humiliation and anger as he helped his son explore them. He also recognized that knowing some taekwondo might help his son stay more engaged and less avoidant on the playground, in the future.

What do you think of this example of making A MESS? Kids, especially boys, especially boys approaching adolescence, well most kids, will answer the question of, “How are you doing?” with the answer, “Fine”. They want to steer clear of upsetting thoughts and feelings and they especially don’t want their parents to know what they are ashamed of or dreading. Therefore, it is a real gift when a parent can access what is troubling a child and allow them the opportunity to engage with it long enough to make some better sense of it and what they want to do about it. Careful attunement (or awareness) allows the parent to pick up on subtle changes in emotion, behavior or expressed interests. In the example above, D.J. has come to trust that his father is someone he could go to with things that bothered him. In other words, D.J. has come to value the MESS making process his dad can create that leads to some better (A)ssessment.

Wrap Up

Social engineering, you say? Or painful adolescence prevention? Remember how isolated, depressed and angry D.J. was as an adolescent? Remember how he assumed no one liked him for who he really was? And he had no intention of compromising? Remember how defensive he was with other kids, ready to see rejection even in ambiguous situations? His Mom, in this 2.0 version, is trying to get him engaged and connected well before this fixed mindset and lifestyle sets in as an adolescent. One good friend can be a godsend in adolescence. The D.J. we saw earlier had no friends. D.J. had a best friend from preschool, but Karl had to move. Now he had to start all over. His mother was quite attuned to his temperament, lack of social ease or skills, and lack of friends. She had no illusions of making him an extrovert. But she did know that introverts can and should have close friends.

Will he find a friend at the iPhone Photography class? That would be a nice bonus. But his mom is determined to get him out of the house and involved. He has little hope of developing relationships if he is hiding in his cave. The adolescent D.J. will later argue that he has plenty of relationships on line, but those relationships are quite limited. Your friend in Sydney, Australia can’t hug you or go hiking with you.

So, as you can see, Helen is trying to make A MESS of D.J. With her awareness of his temperament, interests and capabilities, along with an appreciation of his social skill limitations, she remains focused on much of what he needs to master in the relatedness part of his life. Most of that work requires that D.J. engage and stay engaged socially. She also knows that he needs a great deal of support (scaffolding) and comfort to sustain that engagement. And finally, she remains hopeful, because invariably, after she has helped launch him, he usually finds much of interest to sustain his engagement. Ultimately, his curiosity provides the self-soothing. Helping him learn to tolerate his anxiety sufficient to stay engaged and grow (master challenges) is a wonderful gift she is giving her son, one she wishes someone had given her. She is also helping him learn the magic ingredients for making this process work: logical thinking. That’s what this family does best and that’s what they employ to understand the sources of their anxiety and what to do about the challenges that are evoking that feeling. Emotional competence (EC), logical thinking (LT), and communication (COM); fine ingredients for making A MESS.

D.J. and his dad are much alike. Each of them would gladly and comfortably remain in their caves all day, working on some project, totally ignoring the need to engage with others. And as long as they were engrossed in their projects, they would not have to contend with social discomfort or feelings of loneliness. Fortunately, D.J.’s parents in Version 2.0 do not passively wait for something good to happen. His mother actively promotes opportunities for social engagement.

As we will see in the final section of the book, D.J.’s father will take a strategy that he probably wished someone would have done for him. He will join his son in his world and gently pull him into ours. He will be attuned to what D.J. is passionate about, become curious about those interests and talents, and then help D.J. create ways to interest others in joining him in that world as well. Ultimately, he will encourage D.J. to take some of those interests and use them to help others, thus giving D.J. a satisfying sense of purpose and real motivation for getting out in the world, trusting that he is valued for who he is, not what others expect him to be.