Raise Your Parenting AQ – Chapter 1.5
“We Could Just Cut His Rope!”
You have just met Tim. You have to agree, he’s a very likeable kid. In fact, everyone who meets him seems to instantly like him. Well, not everyone. His older brother, Seth, was not entirely thrilled when Tim was added to the family. Before we return to learn more about Tim, let’s take a detour to find out how Seth dealt with the addition of a younger brother to a family that was perfectly fine without him.
This series of vignettes involving Seth and Ann have a bit of a Ground Hog Day feel to them. Remember how the character in that movie woke up and repeated the same day, yet each time did a little bit better job of it. Seth will need many opportunities to talk. One good discussion does not make a major life problem go away, especially when the problem is having a younger brother. Ann recognized that Seth needed the opportunity to talk about his “brother-bother” feelings, and she willingly gave him the opportunity to talk anytime he needed it.
“Where Can We Ship Him?”
(Ann had just returned from putting two-year-old Timmy down for a nap as she sat down with her six-year-old son, Seth.)
“Mommy, why does Timmy get to sit on your lap all the time?” asked Seth.
“Would you like some snuggle time with me?” his mom answered.
“No. I just wanted Timmy off your lap,” Seth said.
“Now that is an interesting request.”
“Timmy is a bother,” Seth explained. “When I try to color or paint or read my book, I look at Timmy and I think I’m missing something.”
“Are you?” asked his mom.
“Well, it feels that way. It feels like he’s getting something I’m not,” Seth continued.
“What is that?” Ann asked.
“A few minutes ago, it was your lap and your snuggles,” Seth explained.
“You can have both of those as much as you want,” Ann reminded him.
“I know. I know I can get a hug or a snuggle any time I want. But … “
“But what?” Ann asked.
With a very serious look, Seth turned to his mother and said, “I think the problem is Timmy. I think he just has to go. I can’t play when he’s around. I can hardly think.”
“How come?” Ann wondered.
“All I do is think about, ‘What is Timmy doing? What is Timmy getting? What is Timmy getting that I am not getting?’ Mom, the kid is driving me crazy,” Seth sighed.
“You spend a lot of time worrying about Timmy, don’t you?” observed Ann.
“No kidding. Is there a name for this?” Seth asked.
Quietly, Ann answered, “I think it is called a ‘Dilemma’.”
“What is a dimlenna?”
Ann smiled and explained, “A dilemma is a problem that is hard to figure out.”
“I think I have the dlemma figured out,” began Seth.
“I can’t wait to hear,” answered Ann, sounding genuinely curious.
“I’ve been thinking that Timmy needs a vacation. Think Grandma would want to have him visit?” asked Seth, expectantly.
“Well, Grandma always likes visits from us,” his mom said.
“No, Mom. I was thinking maybe she would just come and take Timmy for a month or two,” explained Seth with great seriousness.
“That’s quite a long vacation,” Ann observed.
“Well, I would kind of like her to keep him forever,” Seth continued, “but that might not be fair to Grandma.”
“I’m glad you were thinking of Grandma’s feelings,” she smiled.
“So I did some more thinking,” continued Seth, without missing a beat.
“I can’t wait to hear,” responded Ann, always curious about what will come out of her little boy next.
“I was thinking that Timmy could be adopted,” beamed Seth, rather proud of his latest plan.
“That is another interesting idea,” Ann responded.
“You keep saying that,” said Seth, giving her a confused look.
“You keep coming up with interesting ideas,” answered Ann, putting him at ease.
“You know how Glen is adopted?” began Seth.
“Yeah.”
“I was thinking, there must be a lot of families out there who want to adopt a nice little boy,” explained Seth, as if giving his opening statement to the court.
“So whom are they going to adopt?” responded Ann in the same rather formal tone.
“Timmy, of course,” he clarified, wondering how his mother missed such an obvious piece of the plan.
Ann continued in the semi-formal, serious tone with, “Adoption is complicated. Have you done all the paperwork?”
Seth hadn’t seen this one coming. “Paperwork? We can skip the paperwork, Mom. I know you hate paperwork.”
“Thank you for remembering that. I do hate paperwork,” laughed Ann switching easily from judge to mommy.
Seth had given his plan a lot of thought and he was quick with his come back. “I remembered the story where a baby is left in a basket on someone’s doorstep,” he began.
“Timmy is a little big for a basket isn’t he?” Ann observed, messing a little with his plan.
With a big, Cheshire-Cat-grin, Seth announced, “I already thought of that, Mom. We can strap him in his car seat.”
“So you plan to leave him on the doorstep in his car seat?” asked Ann, trying hard not to laugh.
“Yeah. That way, we’ll know Timmy is safe with his new family,” he continued.
“That was very thoughtful of you. Not every family has a good car seat,” responded Ann, not knowing quite what to do with such a compassionate disposal of a younger brother.
“So what do you think of my idea?” asked Seth, rather expectantly.
“Your idea reminds me of one I had once,” a mixture of emotions and memories surfaced for Ann while listening to Seth deal with his little brother dilemma.
“Really?” asked Seth, always eager to hear stories from when his mom and dad were kids.
“Yeah. When I was your age, I asked the UPS man if he would take your Uncle Kenny and ship him to Brazil,” Ann recalled with guilty pleasure.
“Really? What did the UPS man say?” asked Seth, really liking the sound of this approach.
He said, “Sure, but there is a whole lot of paperwork to fill out before it could happen”.
“Did you fill out the paperwork?” asked Seth.
“I tried, but there was way too much and I couldn’t understand it,” Ann explained.
“Guess that’s why you don’t like paperwork,” concluded Seth.
Ann smiled at the connection Seth had just made, “You know. I think you’re right.”
“I’m glad you didn’t send Uncle Kenny to Brazil,” Seth said. “I wouldn’t get to go fishing with him.”
“That’s true,” answered Ann. “You know, Uncle Kenny tried to get the mailman to take Uncle Phil when they were kids.”
“You guys were trying to get rid of younger brothers too?” asked Seth, pleasantly surprised.
“Yeah. I think it is kind of a family tradition,” Ann laughed.
“Not just our family, Mom. I know that Glen wants to send his little brother back to Korea,” Seth recalled, obviously having compared notes with another first-grader with a little brother problem.
“How’s that going for him?” asked Ann.
Seth looked up at her, “His mom and dad told him, ‘That’s not going to happen’.”
“So they didn’t like that idea much?” she observed.
“No. He said they got mad,” Seth elaborated.
“That’s too bad,” Ann sighed sympathetically. “Everybody I know with a little brother wishes they could get rid of him some time in their life.”
“All of the time, Mom,” Seth added with emphasis.
“Well, you said you were glad I didn’t send Kenny to Brazil,” Ann reminded Seth. “And I am too. I like having Kenny around.”
“You do now,” Seth clarified, “but how about when you were my age?”
Ann knew that when Seth focused on something he didn’t let go easily. But then again, she was the same way. In the midst of this conversation, she could recall how she felt at his age. “Good point. I really wanted to figure out those UPS papers.” Remembering how she felt made her sensitive to the dilemma Seth was wrestling with.
Seth continued, “So how about this idea? We send Timmy somewhere, but when he is all grown-up, like Uncle Kenny, he can come back.”
Despite knowing his answer, Ann asked, “And live with us?
“No, he’ll have his own house then.” Seth explained.
“You have really given this careful thought,” Ann smiled at her overlook-nothing-son.
“Yeah. So how about it, Mom?” Seth asked, expectantly.
“What about the paperwork?” she responded.
“You can help me with it,” Seth thought for a minute his mom’s sympathy meant she was on board with the brother-removal-project.
“You’re the one who wants to send him away,” she reminded him. “I think you are the one who should do the paperwork.”
Always thinking of every angle, Seth suggested, “Dad is good at paperwork. Maybe he can help me.”
“I think Dad really likes having Timmy around,” Ann responded rather soberly. “I doubt he’ll help you.”
“Do you think Dad wanted to send Aunt Susie away?” Seth wondered, knowing his feelings would probably apply to younger sisters as well.
“I don’t know,” Ann scratched her head. “But I know Daddy’s oldest brother tried to get him interested in running away from home together. Your dad was all packed to go and then Uncle Sammy told him he wanted him to go on ahead. He’d catch up.”
“I’ll bet Dad caught on to that one,” offered Seth.
“Well, actually, he took off walking,” she explained. “He got far enough that when it started to get dark, he got scared and some family brought him home.”
“Is that why Dad won’t send Timmy away?” Seth asked.
“What do you think?” Ann asked, knowing Seth had made the connection.
“Dad just never had a younger brother like us,” came his response, revealing how focused he remained on his little brother problem.
“Daddy WAS the younger brother,” she reminded him.
This exchange is playful, but important. Seth has begun to share his feelings about his younger brother. Ann is receptive and nonjudgmental, welcoming his openness. Although she does not quite know how to handle this situation, she falls back on what she knows is always good – genuine interest and empathy. The major intervention, if we can call it that, is sharing with Seth her own experiences with a younger brother she wanted to get rid of. Her attempt at inducing some empathy for younger brothers, by telling the story of Seth’s dad when he was the ‘victim’ probably elicited some insight and sympathy in the moment for his dad, but it was a stretch for her to think that was going to make a dent in Seth’s problem with Timmy. As we shall see, in the next vignette, she feels like she is starting all over again. Fortunately, she keeps those frustrations to herself. Seth is only six years old and resentment over the inclusion of a younger brother in the family does not just evaporate.
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“I Want What He Has – I Think.”
“Mommy, I don’t understand,” began the ever so serious six-year-old Seth. “When Timmy is getting your attention, it really bothers me. But when you give me attention, that doesn’t make the problem go away.”
“What do you mean?” asked his mother, Ann.
“As soon as I am getting your attention, I go back to worrying about what Timmy is doing,” explained Seth.
“Explain what you mean,” his mother said, encouraging him to elaborate.
“The other day, you were pushing him in the stroller and I asked,”
“Why does Timmy always get to ride in the stroller?” his mom said, smiling as she remembered that day, yet immediately wondering if she should have finished his sentence like that.
“Yeah. That’s exactly what I said,” Seth responded.
“So what happened?” she asked, wanting him to tell her about his “problem”.
“You let me get in the stroller and then I kind of got bored. And then I saw Timmy off having fun looking for bugs and I wanted to get out of the stroller and go look for bugs with him,” Seth recalled.
“Yeah. That was a good bug day wasn’t it?” his mom confirmed.
“Yeah. It sure was, once I got out of that stroller,” Seth said.
“You were kind of stuck weren’t you?” Ann added, knowing she needed to treat this process with seriousness. Someday she and Seth will have fun with the picture she took; but not today.
“They need to make strollers big enough for six-year-olds,” Seth complained.
“Hmmmmmm,” Ann simply chose not respond to that logic.
But Seth had more. “And then when you were giving him a bath, I asked,”
“Why does Timmy always get to have a bath?” Ann said automatically, immediately worried Seth might think she was making fun of him.
“Yeah, exactly. So while you were giving me a bath, he was making a mess with the toilet paper and squealing like it was the most fun he ever had,” Seth recalled.
“Making messes usually is fun, at least until it’s time to clean up,” she reminded him.
“Was Dad mad when he saw the mess?” asked Seth.
“No, he just asked who got to have all the fun without him,” Ann chuckled.
Seth started in again, with, “Then we were in the park and you were swinging Timmy in the kids’ swing and I said,”
“Why does Timmy always get to swing in that swing?” Ann repeated, smiling at him sympathetically.
“Yeah. That’s exactly what I said. You have a good memory Mom. So while I am swinging, I see him chasing a bunny and want to help. But I couldn’t get out of the swing because my legs were stuck,” Seth recalled.
“That was frustrating wasn’t it?” Ann said, remembering his attempts to get out of that swing in a hurry.
“And when you were feeding him on your lap, I asked,”
“Why does Timmy always get to sit in your lap,”
“Yeah. Exactly. But while I was in your lap, he was having fun with my paints. Too much fun! We shouldn’t let him make such a mess,” Seth said, indignantly.
“Remember, that’s why he was in the bathtub,” his mom reminded him.
“Yeah. I said we should just squirt him with the hose,” Seth recalled.
“That is a good idea in the summer time,” Ann smiled.
“Mom, I don’t know what to do. Every time he does something, it grabs my attention,” Seth continued, still wrestling with his brother problem. “When I ask for what he had, I get it and then I start worrying about the next thing. The only thing I can come up with is: ‘Get rid of Timmy’. Then I wouldn’t have to worry so much.”
Even though, intellectually, this is a natural feeling for her son to have and he needed to give voice to it, it still jolted her to hear him say it. It took all her willpower not to quickly counter that wish. And then, just as quickly, she had access to her own sibling jealousy she has tried long and hard to understand and contain. Fortunately for Seth, what came out of Ann’s mouth was, “It is very frustrating isn’t it? Little brothers can be a real pain.” “Nice recovery,” she complemented herself.
“Tell me about it!” he sighed.
“So your idea is to get rid of him?” she said, always wanting him to elaborate.
“Well, I thought so. But I wouldn’t want him to be scared,” he explained. “I wouldn’t want to trick him,” remembering the story about his dad. “But when I start feeling bothered, I just want to get rid of him.”
“Yeah. I know what you mean,” she sympathized.
“Do all big brothers feel this way?” asked Seth.
“I’ll bet a lot of big sisters feel the same way. Remember, I’m the one who wanted to send Uncle Kenny to Brazil,” she said, giving him a little hug.
“Yeah. So what do you think I should do?” asked Seth, still determined to find an answer.
“That’s a tough one to figure out,” Ann said.
“He makes me feel miserable, but I don’t want to get rid of him all the time – just when he bothers me,” Seth clarified.
“Yeah. I always had trouble with that one too,” Ann empathized.
“So what did you do?” asked Seth, who appreciated the empathy but wanted a plan of action.
“I don’t know. Some days I hated Uncle Kenny and wanted to get rid of him. Some days I was mad at him because he wouldn’t play with me,” his mom explained. “And some days he was the only one who wanted to play with me.”
“Being a kid is hard, isn’t it Mom?” sighed Seth.
“It sure is,” Ann responded, giving him another hug.
(Ten minutes later.)
“Mom, I’m bored. Can I get Timmy up early from his nap?”
It is a wonderful gift Ann has given her son. He feels safe sharing with her his feelings. She has also provided him a ‘therapeutic space’ for wrestling with healthy developmental binds. In this case, Seth’s connection to his mom feels threatened when he sees the attention she is giving his little brother. But in his singular focus on his brother and what he is getting and Seth isn’t, he loses sight of other things important to him, such as curiosity. Exploring the world is hard to do when tethered to your mother.
Seth is also figuring out that getting what his brother had does not make his brother problem go away. Although he is not sure what to do with it, that is a valuable piece of insight. Ann knows she cannot explain everything, let alone tell him how to fix it. Instead, she is giving him the best thing she can, she is giving him her genuine interest and showing him that she cares how he feels. She was worried that repeating his “why does Timmy always get” refrain back might sound like she was mocking him. For some kids, especially older ones, it might. But in the case of Seth, it meant that his mom listened to him. And when she repeated his words, her tone conveyed all the seriousness Seth felt.
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“A Toddler With an ‘Off’ Switch.”
“Sometimes I hate him and sometimes I miss him,” explained an exasperated Seth. “Why can’t I make up my mind?”
“Little brothers are funny that way,” his mother sympathized.
Seth began, “I had a big plan for talking Grandma into taking him for a long vacation. I was sure Grandma would go for it. And then …”
“And then?” Ann asked, when Seth seemed stuck.
“And then, I went in Timmy’s room and helped him build a castle out of blocks,” continued Seth, lifting his palms as if to ask, ‘So what gives, Mom?’.
“He enjoyed that,” Ann reminded him.
“Yeah, until he knocked down everything we built,” Seth recalled, bouncing back and forth between the good and bad of having a younger brother.
“That was part of the fun, for him,” she explained.
“Yeah, I guess so,” agreed Seth, not sure he totally believed that.
“Brothers can be fun and frustrating at the same time, can’t they?” observed Ann, knowing Seth was wrestling with his mixed emotions about his brother.
“More frustrating than fun,” Seth clarified. Of that he was certain.
“Do you think Timmy will ever be more fun than frustrating?” Ann wondered.
“Things aren’t looking good, Mom,” Seth answered with great seriousness that reminded her not to take this dilemma of his lightly. “The older he gets the more of my stuff he gets into.”
“I know you like to keep your stuff neat,” Ann empathized. “I know it is frustrating when he gets into your things.”
“Wouldn’t it be nice if Timmy was like a computer?” Seth thought out loud.
“What do you mean?” Ann asked.
“Well, when I want to play with him, I could just go turn him on. And when he got to be a real pain, I could just switch him off.” devised Seth, always ready with the good engineering solution.
“A toddler with an “off” switch?” Ann exclaimed. “That’s brilliant! Why didn’t I think of that?”
Seth beamed when his mother got excited about his idea. “(That’s) because you never want to turn him off,” he reminded her.
“He can frustrate me too,” she commiserated.
“Really?” surprised to hear these words come from his mother.
“Yeah, and so can you,” she laughed.
“I knew that already,” Seth reflected.
“Tell me more how you’re going to invent this “off” switch,” Ann asked, wanting Seth to keep talking about his feelings about his brother. “Is this going to be like an app on my phone?” she asked, always curious about the mind of her little engineer.
“Do you think some doctor can figure out a way to put an “off” switch in little brothers?” Seth asked, reminding Ann that he was taking this idea literally and seriously.
“I’ll bet there are doctors with little brothers working on the problem right now,” she responded, reminding him that he was not alone with his ‘little brother’ concerns.
“That’s not doing me any good,” Seth sighed.
Ann knew that one of Seth’s greatest assets, as well as one of his vulnerabilities, was his ability to stay focused on a problem until he had a solution. Unfortunately, little brothers were problems not easily solved. “So, figure out your own “off” switch,” she said, returning the problem and its solution to him.
“Well, I’m not allowed to ship him somewhere with UPS. I’m not allowed to hurt him. I haven’t convinced anyone to adopt him,” Seth recapped his attempts to date.
“I know you have tried (to come up with a solution),” Ann said, sympathetically.
“Everybody has a different excuse,” Seth complained.
“So what do you think would work?” Ann asked.
“When I get tired of him, I can just leave and do something else. But when I am tired of him getting all the attention, it doesn’t do any good to leave, because he still bothers me,” Seth explained.
“An ‘A’ for insight,” Ann thought to herself. To Seth, she said, “That’s frustrating. That’s when you really need the “off” switch, isn’t it?”
“Yeah. Sometimes I wish I could just have an “off” switch for my feelings,” wished Seth, never ceasing to surprise his mother.
“Do you think that would work?” Ann asked.
“Hasn’t worked so far,” a frustrated Seth replied.
“That’s good because if you turn off the switch for the bad feelings, you probably turn off the good feelings with it,” Ann explained. Ann had a tendency to move from being open-ended and curious to her explaining mode when things worried her. Seth’s wish to shut down his feelings was a response that caught her off guard and worried her. Seth could take things to extremes, which most of the time was a good thing, but she was always on guard for him overdoing it.
“I’ll miss out on the good feelings?” Seth asked, taking his mother’s warning seriously.
“Unless you invent a switch only for bad feelings. Got any other ideas?” answered Ann, trying to recover; yet still concerned. Ann had known people who tried to manage intolerable feelings by ‘shooting the messenger’ as she liked to say. It was never a healthy solution.
“Well, some times I just daydream about a space ship swooping down and carrying him away,” Seth explained. “Sometimes I think about giving him a magic pill to make him sleep until he’s an adult.”
“Would he just sleep in his room?” asked Ann, returning to being curious but less preachy.
“Yeah. And when I think about how long his hair would get, it makes me laugh,” Seth smiled.
“You are right. If he were growing while he slept, his hair would grow too. Would we feed him or just water him?” Ann asked, trying to add to the humor of the image.
“It’s a dream, Mom. He doesn’t come with an owner’s manual,” Seth responded.
“I could sure use one,” Ann wished out loud.
“For me too, I’ll bet,” chimed in Seth, obviously relieved temporarily from his brother problem burden.
“Yeah. And for your father as well,” Ann added.
The ‘off’ switch is a cute idea, but it is also a benign way of Seth saying, “I wish he were dead and gone”. You’ll notice his long-acting sleeping pill did not come with a kissed-by-princess-wake-up-clause. Ann knows to let him express his feelings and play with his fantasy solutions. The fact that Timmy was welcomed back, to the neighboring community, when he becomes an adult, reminds us that Seth’s anger at his brother is also mixed with his love for him. Ambivalence. Don’t you just hate it!
Having a relationship where it is safe to express his thoughts and feelings is critically important. Without that opportunity, Seth would be left with thoughts and urges he didn’t understand. If they bothered him enough, he might be tempted to seek some relief by targeting the source of his problem – Timmy. By allowing him to give voice to his angry, let’s-get-rid-of-him thoughts, he is ultimately freed up to access his loving thoughts. Fortunately, Ann knows better than to force him to skip straight to what “good little boys would think and feel about their little brothers”.
“Making a Fuss Over Timmy”
“Everybody makes a fuss over Timmy. ‘Oh, he’s so cute. What a happy little guy he is’,” complained Seth.
“How does that make you feel?” asked his mother.
“Well, some days I want to stand up and tell them all the dumb things Timmy did that week. Sometimes I want to kick that grown-up. Sometimes I want to do something mean to Timmy after everyone is gone,” he confided.
“Sounds like they really hurt your feelings,” Ann empathized.
“Yeah. It hurts my feelings and makes me really angry,” Seth clarified.
“I can tell,” she observed, sympathetically.
“Are hurt feelings and being angry the same thing, Mom?” Seth asked.
“Yeah, sometimes they go together. What happens with you?” she asked.
“Sometimes I feel hurt and then I get really mad,” he explained.
“Nobody likes getting his feelings hurt. I can see why you would be angry,” said Ann, conveying she understood.
“What am I supposed to do when I get that angry?” asked Seth. “I can’t kick Grandpa because he is making a fuss over Timmy. I know I’m not supposed to pinch Timmy, even though I want make him a little less cute.”
“It must be frustrating to stand there and listen to Grandma and Grandpa make a fuss over Timmy,” Ann acknowledged.
“It makes me angry at the wrong people, Mom,” complained Seth.
“Yeah. It makes you angry with the people you love,” Ann agreed.
“Yeah, that’s what I meant (to say),” Seth said. “So what am I supposed to do?”
“Is there anything I can do to help?” Ann offered.
“Well, I’ve already asked you to tell Grandma and Grandpa to take Timmy home with them, permanently, but that plan didn’t work out,” Seth reminded her.
“Yeah, I understand the plan, but I think you got outvoted on that one,” Ann smiled sympathetically.
“Well, it feels good to tell you my plans, even if no one has the nerve to do them,” Seth told her.
“Since I have a younger brother and know how you feel when someone is making a fuss over him,” his mom said, “just give me a little wink and I’ll wink back¹. That way you will know I understand how you are feeling.”
“And if I wink twice?” Seth added.
“I’ll know you want me to call the UPS truck to come pick up Timmy AND Grandpa,” she laughed.
Ann can empathize with how bad it must feel to have people making a fuss over his little brother. Although it is not intentional, it has the effect of comparing the two boys, leaving Seth hurt that Timmy is getting not only attention, but praise for being so “special”. Any six-year-old with a brain turns that around and reaches conclusions about what everyone must then think of him. Ann’s intervention will be very helpful when Seth is feeling hurt, jealous, or angry. He’ll know in those moments, not everyone in the room is orbiting around his little brother.
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“I Could Just Kill Him!”
“Mom. What am I supposed to do when I get so angry I want to do something mean?” asked Seth, surprising his mother with a question that seemed to come out of nowhere.
“Like what?” asked Ann, trying to maintain a neutral expression.
“Am I going to get in trouble for telling you?” asked Seth, his anxiety apparent in his voice.
“Not from me,” said Ann spontaneously. Then she added, “There is a big difference between saying something and doing something,”
“What do you mean?” asked Seth.
“Remember how mad I was at that lady who closed the door and wouldn’t let us get on the plane? The plane that was just sitting there on the other side of the door?” recalled Ann, getting a little worked up just recalling the incident.
Seth beamed. “Yeah, you made a real scene, Mom. How could I forget?”
“Well, afterwards I kept saying, ‘I could just strangle that lady’.” Ann continued.
“Yeah. I remember that too.” Seth said.
“I said that, but I wasn’t really going to strangle her. I was just letting Daddy know, on the phone, how angry I was at her.” Ann explained.
“But sometimes I really do feel like strangling Timmy,” Seth confessed.
“Well, brothers can make your life miserable, just like the lady at the airport. They can make you really mad,” Ann reminded him.
Seth was trying to make his mom understand the difference. “But you weren’t going to hurt that lady. Sometimes I really do want to hurt Timmy.”
“When that lady was blocking us from the plane, I sure did want to hurt her. It took all my willpower to stand there and just use words with her,” Ann recalled.
“She wasn’t a very nice woman, was she Mom?” Seth could remember the stubborn lady that frustrated his mother.
“I wrote a letter to American Airlines about her,” Ann told him.
“Did that help, Mom?” asked Seth, wanting a good solution to his ‘anger problem’.
“Yeah. I think it did. I really calmed down after I did it. I just imagined her boss calling her on the phone and saying, ‘Why didn’t you let Ann and Seth get on that plane, you idiot?’” Ann laughed.
“When I tell you about Timmy, it’s kind of like you calling her boss, isn’t it?” realized Seth.
“Yeah. Kind of,” Ann agreed.
“When I get so angry I want to hurt him, what am I supposed to do?” pleaded Seth. “All I can think of is get away from him.”
“Does that help?” queried Ann.
“Well it helps Timmy; but not me,” Seth explained in a frustrated voice.
“I’m really proud of you for being able to do that,” said Ann, putting her arm around him.
Seth looked up at Ann. “Thanks Mom, but we haven’t solved the problem, because when I go in my room, I still want to strangle him.”
“How do you feel right now, telling me about it?” she asked, knowing talking probably was helping.
“I feel kind of better. I was afraid you were going to be really mad at me.” explained Seth.
“I won’t get mad at you for your feelings or your thoughts. Your feelings are just telling you that something isn’t right.” Ann informed him.
“What do you mean?” asked Seth, not quite sure he understood what his mom meant.
“If the fire alarm goes off, then there is smoke or fire somewhere. The alarm is a message that we need to do something to take care of ourselves. Your angry feelings are a message that something is not right and needs changing.” Ann continued.
“Getting rid of Timmy would take away my bad feelings,” Seth responded.
“Yeah, but yesterday you asked me to get him up early from his nap so you could play with him,” she reminded him. “Some times you are mad at him, some times you want to play with him.”
“Asking to get him up from his nap was a dumb thing to say,” Seth concluded.
“Maybe, but at the moment, you were missing your brother,” Ann reminded him.
“What am I supposed to do when I want him dead and gone?” Seth explained, reminding Ann that this was not a simple problem that would go away with a little talk.
“If I am around, you can come tell me how you are feeling. If I am busy or at work, you can write me a letter telling me how you feel. Or, …” she said pointing to her head to indicate, “I have another idea I think you’ll really like. You can make a secret diary full of great ideas for getting rid of little brothers.”
“Kind of like writing a book about murder?” wondered Seth, in a conspiratorial voice.
Ann smiled at her little Dr. Moriarty. “A book with all sorts of ideas, including drawings, poems, or whatever you feel like saying or doing.”
“How do you know it will help?” Seth asked.
“While we were on the later flight that night, I took out my notebook and made a sketch of that American Airlines lady,” Ann recalled using a similar technique.
“I remember that. You were singing while you did it,” recalled Seth.
“Yeah. I drew her in the middle of Nowhere Land “making all her Nowhere Plans for Nobody”, while I sang that Beatles song in my head,” Ann said, again remembering her little fantasy play.
“I remember you laughing, Mom. Kind of surprised me because you were so mad,” Seth recalled his puzzlement.
“Yeah. I made up a story where I had the power to send her to Nowhere Land where she deserved to live and I sent her around saying “No” to nobody. It still makes me laugh when I think about that lady stuck in Nowhere Land,” laughed Ann.
“So I can send Timmy someplace awful, when I’m really mad?” asked Seth.
“Hey, in your imagination, you can send him anywhere and do anything with him. That’s what your imagination is there for,” Ann clarified, in case Seth was taking her story too literally.
“Won’t it just make me plan something awful?” worried Seth.
“Try it and see. Thoughts and feelings want somebody to listen to them. It helps to tell me. It also helps to tell them to your notebook. When you just keep them inside your head, that’s when you want to do something to get rid of them. When you are mad at Timmy, you want to hurt him. But if you tell me how mad you are, or put the thoughts in your notebook …”
“I don’t feel so bad,” Seth realized.
“Exactly,” smiled Ann.
“Thanks, Mom. I know what I am going to call my notebook,” decided Seth.
“What’s that?” asked Ann, expecting the unexpected.
“Pest Control by Seth,” he announced proudly.
“That’s cool. When I was your age, my book was called, B4, or The Big Book of Brother Bothers,” Ann recalled.
“Do you still have it, Mom?” asked Seth.
“I gave it to Uncle Kenny for Christmas awhile back. I told him, it was a book about all the things I didn’t do to him when he was bothering me, and he should be grateful,” she laughed.
“What did he think of the book?” Seth asked.
“He thought it was pretty cool. He says he reads it whenever his kids are fighting and he feels really frustrated with them,” she explained.
“So what do you read when I frustrate you, Mom?” Seth asked, always making the logical inference, even at six years old.
“The Seth Operator’s Manual,” Ann smiled.
“Really? Can I see it?” Seth asked, totally believing a mother who rarely pulled his leg.
In summary, Seth’s schemes for getting rid of his younger brother were entertaining for adults, but deadly serious for him. He was wrestling with some very disturbing thoughts and feelings. Fortunately, his mother was aware of and responsive to them. Seth was jealous of the attention his brother had been getting from Ann. How could he not feel jealous? He was the first-born child and then Timmy came along and displaced him. Most of us can intellectually understand the significance of that displacement, but can we appreciate how it feels to be that child? I think you can. Here’s how.
Sit back and close your eyes (while you read this). Imagine that your husband (or wife) comes home one day and tells you, “I have some exciting news for you, honey. I am going to marry another woman (man) … and (s)he will move in with us six months from now … Isn’t that wonderful?” … “My new wife/husband will share your bedroom with you.” … And this good news just doesn’t stop. “I’m going to give my new wife/husband your old clothes, because you’ve gotten too big for them.” … “Give my new wife/husband a hug. Isn’t (s)he beautiful/handsome?” ¹
My next question is this. Are you murdering your spouse before or after you dispose of the new wife/husband? I trust you were able to access some feelings as you considered such an outrageous and insensitive move on the part of your partner. Now you can imagine what Seth must have felt about Timmy’s uninvited arrival. Mom’s lap used to be exclusively his. Now this “little prince” occupied it. How could he not feel jealous, hurt, angry, … desperate to find a solution to feelings that were raging inside of him, but ones he feared “he shouldn’t have.”
Fortunately, his mother knew those feelings could exist, that they were natural, and that he was entitled to them. (You will notice that she very clearly makes a distinction between thoughts/feelings and behavior. She is open to his expression of his thoughts and feelings, but the line was always clear about not hurting.) To his great surprise, his fantasies about hurting his little brother didn’t even faze his mother – as long as they remained fantasies.
Without that permission to have those thoughts and feelings, children are condemned to suppressing them. However, when they emerge, and they do, the child is left fearing that there is something wrong with him, that he is a bad kid. When thoughts and feelings are expressed, acknowledged and understood, their intensity diminishes. When the parent can let the child know that his jealousy and anger are understandable, he is far less likely to act on those feelings. By making the feelings conscious, the child has more understanding and control. Without that, he is more vulnerable to acting unconsciously or impulsively. Seth felt an urge to act out toward the source of his intolerable feelings.
Without a developmental awareness, Ann could easily have handled the situation with Seth differently. She could have been quite well intentioned, but unintentionally worsened things for Seth.
When Seth said, “Mommy, why does Timmy get to sit on your lap all the time?”
She might have responded with, “You are a big guy now. You don’t need to be treated like a baby anymore.”
Although well intentioned, in this example Ann essentially told Seth, he shouldn’t feel the way he does. He is taking away a message that his longing for his mother’s attention and his jealousy of his brother are not legitimate feelings. He is left with a slew of bad options, that include: hate his brother, hate his mother or hate himself. Number two is far too threatening, so most kids stick with one and three. Of course, detaching himself from those feelings and convincing himself he should feel something else is always a fourth option.
Ann’s response only adds to Seth’s concerns about the difference between him and Timmy and what their relative privileges are. Introducing comparisons or continuing ones the child naturally makes is problematic. In the above, Ann is trying to remind Seth of his advantages, of being bigger, but comparisons are always a slippery slope in the end.
In the original vignette, she said, “Would you like some snuggle time with me?”
That honored his feelings at the moment. However, if she were in the habit of trying to treat each kid equally, that too would be a trap, because firstly it is impossible to do and secondly, each kid will become preoccupied with “fairness” and the day’s count. Again, this invites comparison. Each child is unique and has unique needs. That should to be one of the guiding principles. Genuine interest in what is unique about each child, rather than a concern about fairness and equality is a healthier approach.
When Seth said, “All I do is think about, ‘What is Timmy doing? What is Timmy getting? What is Timmy getting that I am not getting?’ Mom, the kid is driving me crazy,” Ann simply reflected back how he was feeling, “You spend a lot of time worrying about Timmy, don’t you?” letting him know she understood. She remained curious and empathic and patiently waited for Seth to elaborate on how he was feeling.
Too often when our child is suffering, we want to jump in with a solution. A well-intentioned Ann might easily have said, “When you find yourself thinking about Timmy too much, it can be helpful to distract yourself with something you enjoy doing or feel good about”. Distractions and helpful suggestions can feel good in the moment, but they don’t solve his brother problem. And worse, they give him the message that his feelings need to be quieted, avoided or eliminated. In the original vignette, Ann is doing quite the opposite. She is empathically listening. Ultimately, the most powerful thing you can do for your child is just listen with genuine interest and EMPATHY.
Seth talked about creative strategies for getting Timmy out of his hair, such as convincing Grandma and Grandpa to take him on an extended vacation. But these were just the cleaned up versions of his wish that Timmy had never been born and in its cruder form, wishing he were dead and gone. Seth was greatly relieved when his admission of wanting to hurt Timmy did not make his mother mad. She let him know that his feelings were understandable.
She also took the opportunity to make the distinction between feelings and behavior. Many children, including adults, blur feelings and behavior, thinking they are part of the same thing. She was promoting the idea with Seth that just because he had feelings and even thoughts of acting, it did not necessarily mean that he would act that way. People who blur feelings and behaviors assume that anger is bad and needs to be suppressed because their experience has been ‘anger leads to bad behavior’.
Ann also normalized the feelings he was having by sharing with him her own experiences with jealousy and anger. Nothing dispels a child’s feelings of being a bad person better than hearing that his parents had those very same urges.
Another thing Ann did for Seth was let him struggle with his mixed emotions about his brother. Instead of giving him answers or solutions, she let him work at his problem. It also served the purpose of him feeling heard and understood. Ann knew on one hand, this was not an easily solved problem. However, she provided Seth with a safe arena in which to struggle, out loud with her nearby. Without that, he would have been left to handle it on his own. Leaving it to the child is a recipe for development of shame and/or shameful behaviors. Ann’s understanding went a long way in terms of alleviating that course of development.
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Giving Seth the idea of keeping a diary of his thoughts, feelings and ideas was a good one for a sensitive kid like Seth, who tended to stay focused (aka ‘stuck’) on things. Every kid is different and every kid needs his own form of responsiveness. This strategy worked well with Seth. It was not a treatment of choice for Tess and her parents. More often than not, they found themselves sorting out the conflict, after the fact and scrambling to find ways for everyone to feel understood. A good example of that was the vignette where Greg gets so angry with Tess, he chases after her wanting the last word from a kid who ‘always’ wants the last word. With Tess, the best they managed was often a process of trying carefully, after everyone had calmed down, to understand why she had done what she did. She usually had a good reason in her mind in terms of fairness, although that reasoning did not necessarily translate into behavior everyone else deemed appropriate. But once she felt understood, she was ready to hear someone else’ point of view.
In another section of the Raise Your Parenting AQ, Tess and Greg stumble onto a useful strategy for handling Tess’ anger – often directed at him. She developed the strategy of writing about what angered her (what Greg had done wrong) and how it made her feel in the form of a letter to him. Putting her feelings down on paper, knowing he had read it, and then hearing that he understood how she felt, proved extremely useful in diffusing her anger and repairing the temporary tear in the relationship. Even the most overwrought adolescent calms down immediately, if you convey to them that you truly understand and empathize with how they are feeling.
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¹ The idea of the wink and this imaginative exercise come from the book, Siblings Without Rivalry, by Faber and Mazlish. This is an essential book for all parents.
Link to: Raise Your Parenting IQ – Chapter 2