“I am a rock; I am an island …”
“Then we’ll just join you on your island …”
Employing an I-E-B-R Analysis and A MESS
D.J. has his parents at a loss about what to do. He rarely leaves his room and barely says a word to them all day. He has no friends that they know of. He doesn’t go anywhere. He spends almost all of his time on his computer, building robots, or playing his guitar. If they try to question him about what he is doing or not doing, he just reminds them that he is doing well in school, so “Quit worrying and quit asking”. And he is doing well in school. D.J. has had one B in his life, and that was because he refused to dress for physical education for a whole week. At the end of that week, he and the teacher compromised; D.J. wore his gym shorts over his street clothes.
Despite his claim that everything is fine, that simply is not the case. If D.J. is not distracted with one of his hobbies, he can become quite angry and then depressed. He feels alienated at school. He is unwilling to meet others half way when it comes to common interests, appearance, or behavior. He considers his classmates to be lemmings; just following what someone else tells them is good or interesting. He feels rejected because he is different. He assumes no one shares his interests in robots, obscure computer languages, discordant music or provocative attire. D.J. says, “My classmates only talk to me when they want something from me, like help with Calculus or a ride somewhere because it’s raining”. He says he’s just given up trying to talk to anyone.
Encouragements to make friends, join a club, or start a band are now ignored. He refuses to try to fit in. To do so, according to D.J., would require him to “sell out”. When it comes to handling the Self vs. Relatedness Bind, D.J. has clearly opted for self-preservation, relationships be damned. He does not see a way to be himself and have a relationship with anyone.
If we look at his behavior and how others have tried to help, it would look something like this:
| Behavior
D.J. feels rejected by his peers and quite alienated. He is unwilling to “sell out” and do what it takes to fit in. |
| Response
His parents have encouraged him to try to fit in by joining clubs or groups. Attempts to limit his solitary activities such as computer time or guitar playing have resulted in angry confrontations and a new lock on his door. |
D.J. will not willingly sit for a discussion of feelings or relationships. So doing an IEBR assessment with him would be challenging. But we may know enough from what we’ve observed to start one. To begin with, we know the past responses have failed miserably and we know that he feels strongly about not compromising in anyway to fit in.
| Issue
D.J. believes that relationships are conditional and fake. He does not trust that anyone can like him for who he really is. He is unwilling to change himself to fit in with others. |
| Emotion
D.J. feels alienated, sad and angry. He is unwilling to admit (or submit) to feeling lonely. |
| Behavior
D.J. has hobbies he is passionate about and these also serve to distract him from his alienation and loneliness. D.J. is smart, but he uses his intellect to justify his biases, his fatalistic view of others, and his reasons for not trying to engage. |
| (A much better set of) Responses
Since D.J. will not adapt to fit in, he needs to find others who share his interests. He needs people to join him in his world (of robots, computers, or music). D.J. needs someone who appreciates his talents and interests and will support his pursuit of these interests. |
A potential intervention based on the IEBR:
Join D.J. in his world
With a recognition that his son needed to find “his people”, his father asked around at the university about possible opportunities for D.J. His father knew he was quite accomplished as a builder of robots and a writer of programs to manipulate them. After a meet-and-greet/show-and-tell with a young professor in mechanical engineering, D.J. was invited to come visit the professor’s robotics lab on campus. The students in the lab really were D.J.’s people. They were talking shop before the professor even made his introductions. Soon thereafter, D.J. was welcomed into the fold as an unpaid volunteer. By the start of the next semester, he was invited to join a team of undergraduates who were building a robot to compete in the yearly “robot wars” competition.
No close friendships emerged from the lab. There was still a significant age and social skills gap. But within the realm of robot building, D.J. successfully found a “cooperative play” niche. He was no longer hiding in his room at home after school and the alienation he still felt at school was buffered somewhat by the comfort of knowing where he did fit in.
Upon graduating from high school, D.J. entered an engineering school with a robotics program where there were even more of his people. He even found some of his classmates shared some of his interests in music.
Turn back the clock
The developmental competencies that D.J. lacked as he approached adolescence included: emotional competence, relating, logical thinking, communication and empathy. D.J.’s sensitivity to perceived rejection and his unwillingness to be curious about others or meet them half way meant that his opportunities for relationships were limited. The more isolated he was and alienated he felt, the more estranged he became. D.J.’s temperament was not that of someone at ease with people or eager to engage with others. What then could have helped him during childhood to learn to relate with others more competently?
Ideally, D.J. needed one good friend. That can be a wonderful gift for a kid like D.J., who will never be comfortable entering new situations, taking stock of what others are interested in and who is friends with whom. His best chance at a friendship will emerge from regularly scheduled contact with someone who shares his interests and they share a common goal. With the much of the unknown and risks that come with new people and new settings eliminated, D.J. has a chance to gradually grow comfortable with someone. Over time, working side by side, the relationship can grow to include sharing and cooperating.
There are many possibilities, but the elements that work well for D.J. can likely be found in long-term, structured settings where D.J. is included as part of a program. Ideally the activities are ones that D.J. enjoys and there are opportunities to work with others on common goals. This form of engagement frees him of the risks of rejection. It could be sitting at the same snack table in preschool, building a robot together at a Make It Lab or working with the same lab partner for a year in Chemistry.
| Attunement
D.J. is a sensitive kid, who easily feels rejected. D.J. is intelligent, but he can use his intelligence to support or justify mistaken beliefs. D.J. does poorly with taking the perspective of others or knowing how his actions affect others. D.J. can focus intensely on hobbies of interest, but is not flexible about changes in routines or order. D.J. focuses on problems, assumes his approach is correct, and fails to listen to the input of others. D.J. does not welcome or include others readily in his activities. D.J.’s concerns about disruption of his ideas or approaches often override his desire to play cooperatively with someone. D.J. is intellectually curious and takes great satisfaction in mastering new skills in his areas of interest. |
| Mastery
Relating – D.J. needs to learn to listen to other’s ideas; work cooperatively; and share resources. D.J. needs to become curious about others (ideas and feelings). Communication – D.J. needs to communicate his ideas clearly and listen and learn from others’ ideas. Emotional Competence – D.J. needs to observe and recognize how others are feeling. D.J. needs to recognize how he is feeling and let others know in appropriate ways. Logical Thinking – D.J. needs to learn objective approaches to forming beliefs. D.J. needs to test whether his assumptions are correct. |
| Engagement
D.J. needs exposure to social interactions so that he can learn from them. He needs to reengage with others after problem solving and finding better ways to handle those interactions. He needs a coach or therapist with whom he can accurately assess interactions and find support for reengaging. D.J. needs structure that assures sustained engagement with others until he is motivated to continue that engagement independent of the structure. |
| Self-Soothing
D.J. needs to learn strategies for calming himself in social situations so he can think clearly and focus on what others are saying, doing, and feeling. D.J. needs to use reasoning to challenge his assumptions about what others are thinking or feeling about him. |
With this make A MESS template, what sorts of activities or emphases would help D.J. make developmental progress in these important areas of relating, emotional competence, empathy, communication and logical thinking?
An intervention theme:
Shared interests and common goals
As our assessment emphasized, D.J. needs to find settings where people who share his interests choose to hang out; where typical social interaction challenges are significantly reduced because attention is focused on projects and working together on projects if one desires. The playground politics of acceptance and rejection are minimized because he has a reason for being there, and can choose whether and how much to interact with others.
One possible example could involve D.J. and like-minded kids coming such as a Maker Lab or a Robotics Workshop because of their personal interests, only to find other kids who share those same interests. They can choose whether or not to interact, but the primary focus for attending, to begin with, is the hobby. Social interactions are less risky because they will likely center on a shared activity or common goal, rather than something unfamiliar or uninteresting. And when D.J. feels uncomfortable, it is perfectly acceptable to return his focus to his project, which means he can control the amount of social threat he is willing to take on.
Within this setting, D.J. can be proud of his building or programming skills and is likely to find someone else who appreciates them. This is quite different from his frustrating attempts to navigate someone else’s world, one he doesn’t understand and really care to join.
Sustained involvement with the same people in a structured setting over the course of a year or more allows D.J. to grow increasingly comfortable with his peers. Social engagement in the service of a common, high interest goal is more likely to sustain his interest and commitment. It also narrows the complexity of the social interactions such that D.J. can work on mastering cooperative play. As he gains skill, confidence, and interest in interacting, projects can vary along with the interactions involved. A setting such as the one described lends itself well for allowing D.J. to meet social challenges at manageable levels. With adult mentors available, D.J. can be encouraged to engage and his reasons for avoidance can be helpfully questioned.
(D.J.’s parents’ relationship began as lab partners in college Chemistry .)
Younger still?
A regularly scheduled play date with a chosen “friend” can provide a safer setting to develop a relationship. D.J. could have used that kind of intervention earlier. It also allows for some debriefing and coaching so that reengagement comes equipped with new ideas to try or opportunities to see that fears were unfounded.