I Can’t Let Him Fall
To get things started for Neal’s trip back in time, let’s take a look at an incident that happened when Neal was about ten years old. We know that Neal’s parents needed to become more active in their parenting. No more “love ‘em and leave ‘em alone” approach. Let’s look at how they have to put their own issues aside and focus on what’s best for Neal. This vignette shows a common parental bind of supporting curiosity and growth versus ensuring safety. It was put to the test when Neal’s climbing got him into some serious trouble. Let’s tune into the conversation between Neal and Kim in the hospital emergency room.
“What were you doing on top of the backstop, honey?” Kim asked while she stroked Neal’s forehead.
“Practicing my mountain climbing,” responded Neal, wincing with pain.
“Backstops are for stopping baseballs, not climbing.”
“No, it’s easy. It’s got lots of places to hold on. I just got distracted.”
“You “just” got a broken elbow,” said Kim.
“Is the coach mad at me?” asked Neal.
“Why would he be mad?”
“He was shouting at me.”
“He was worried you were going to fall,” Kim explained.
“He started running and I thought I was in trouble,” Neal recalled.
“No, honey. He was scared and wanted to come help you get down.”
“I always get down, Mom.”
“Not like you did today.”
“Is the coach going to let me play?” Neal asked, worried about no longer being on the team.
“After you get your cast off. Six weeks, I think,” his mom explained. “Then you have to teach your elbow to bend again,” she said
“What do mountain climbers do when they fall and break their arms?” Neal asked.
“They use ropes and have other people with to catch them.”
“Yeah, I should have brought you with, shouldn’t I?” Neal said.
“That would have been one solution. Do you want us to teach you how to climb safely?” Kim asked.
“Cool. Does Daddy know how to climb?” Neal perked up.
“He will by tomorrow,” Kim said.
ANALYSIS
Only a hundred yards away, straight across the park behind their house, hardly out of her view, and he fell and broke his elbow. Kim was feeling pretty guilty for not supervising Neal more closely. But he had always been a climber and she had learned to tolerate his tree climbing in the back yard. He had walked to baseball practice before with no problems. There were lots of kids and parents around. So her interview of him was genuine curiosity, but she was also wondering what she should have done differently in terms of allowing him his chance to be a normal kid yet still protect him as a mother.
It appeared that he arrived before everyone else, and the backstop was “just there”, begging to be climbed. In fact, she knew he had climbed the backstop multiple times with no problem and the trees he climbed were considerably taller. Her quizzing revealed that Neal believed he was going to get into trouble with his coach for climbing the backstop. He misinterpreted the yelling and running of the coach as anger. If he knew that climbing (the backstop) was a forbidden activity during practice, he assumed he was in trouble. It did not occur to him that the coach’s yelling and running were out of concern for his safety. This was an understandable assumption for a grade school kid to make, especially when he was pushing the boundaries a little. Not every adult was tolerant, flexible, understanding, or concerned.
Despite being scared and angry, Kim did a good job of analyzing before acting (on those feelings). Simply being curious helped her better understand, ala I-E-B-R, analysis why Neal was doing something so foolish. In addition, Kim’s quizzing helped Neal understand that there were other possible ways to view the situation and that the coach was not necessarily angry with him. Kim made A MESS, beginning with a good assessment, rather than adding to the mess. Kids can make assumptions based on their observations or experiences or expectations. Without some perspective, like his mother was providing, Neal could be left to believe the story he created. Without parental perspective, these assumptions could become beliefs or guide behaviors that made these assumptions more likely to come true. Kim knew the value of a good “debriefing” after an incident like this, after something she knew occurred at school, or just at night before bed when asking about his day. You can see the promotion of logical thinking (LT) and communication (COM) in her ‘debriefing’ of Neal.
I Don’t Want To Fall
It took a couple of months for Neal’s elbow to heal and regain sufficient flexibility. Unfortunately, that also gave Neal ample opportunity to focus on how miserable it felt to have a broken elbow. In the process, his enthusiasm for climbing had changed a bit. David is preparing to head to the climbing gym with Neal – or at least that’s what he thinks.
“Are you ready to go, kiddo?” David asked.
“I don’t want to go,” replied Neal, now fully recovered from his broken elbow.
“I thought you wanted to be a mountain climber when you grew up?”
“I do. I want to climb, but I don’t want to fall.”
“That’s why you learn to climb with ropes.”
“I keep thinking how bad it felt to break my elbow, and how I couldn’t play baseball all summer, and how I had to wear that elbow bending machine…”
“You’ve had a long time to sit and worry. You used to climb and not worry enough,” David observed.
“Do they have a video game for climbing?” Neal asked.
“If they don’t, I’m sure you will invent one. Come on. Let’s get down to the gym. We’ll start off with safe stuff, close to the ground. I’ll be with you and I won’t let you get hurt. Besides, if you get hurt, your mom will hurt me worse.”
“Do you think we need to buy me some climbing shoes?” Neal asked, his attention having shifted.
“Sneakers got you to the top of the backstop just fine,” his dad reminded him.
“But maybe that’s why I fell. I didn’t have the proper equipment. You want me to be safe, don’t you?”
“I do want you to be safe. That’s why we are going to the gym to learn how to climb safely. If you want climbing shoes, save up your money. That’s what allowances and grandparents are for,” David laughed.
“Grandma. Great idea. Why didn’t I think of her? She’ll want me to be safe.”
ANALYSIS
Instead of getting right back up on the horse that threw him, Neal had to wait for his elbow to heal. While he waited, he had time to think about falling and recognize how upsetting it was to get hurt. Instead of having fun climbing, he had time to worry. His father knew him well enough to realize that if he just got underway with the climbing at the gym he would regain his interest in climbing. He also trusted that the safety precautions at the gym would give Neal a greater sense of control and security. For that reason, he was encouraging Neal to reengage, rather than just taking him at his word that he did not really want to go. David was tuned into Neal’s interests, history, and coping style enough that he knew better than to just respond to the content of the moment.
David was making A MESS of Neal and the climbing. He was attuned to Neal’s longstanding passion for climbing, his anxiety given his accident, and his extended convalescence that allowed him to sit and catastrophize. In communicating (COM) with Neal, he knew not to simply take him at his word when he said he didn’t want to go to the gym. He put that response into context with what he knew about Neal’s interests and fears. David recognized that if Neal mastered the basics of safe climbing, he would have the ability to engage and soothe himself when challenged. To become a safe and competent climber Neal needed to re-engage. Since Neal is worried, David was there to soothe his worry with reassurances that he would protect him. David trusted that the engagement would eventually lead to mastery and confidence. He also trusted that Neal would eventually learn to soothe himself sufficiently to engage and stay engaged. To ask Neal to do this for himself today would have been overwhelming and traumatic. So today, David provided the security and soothing for him. In the long-run, he hoped climbing could become a source of satisfaction and genuine self-esteem (GSE) for Neal.
Telling his father he no longer wanted to climb was simply Neal’s attempt to relieve his fear of falling. His father knew that avoidance of engagement had allowed anxiety to grow into lasting fears. Therefore, he was going to help Neal get back to something he knew his son enjoyed. In that moment, David was the holder of the ambitions and wishes he knew Neal possessed. He was trying to remind him of those goals to offset the urgent wish to avoid. David was helping Neal deal with his anxiety through the use of logical thinking (LT). The trusted relationship (REL) between father and son provided the support for reengaging and staying calm enough to follow through.
David was also teaching Neal emotional competence (EC). He was telling Neal that he can depend on him to keep him safe and Neal knew from past experience that his father was a reliable source of protection and support, so was willing to take more risk with his father at his side. David also intended to show Neal that some of that protection and support would ultimately come in the form of Neal’s mastery of the ropes, harness and belaying techniques employed in climbing.
This post exemplifies the vignettes and analysis to be found in the Neal – Starting Over section, accessible from the main menu on the home page.