From IEBR analysis to making A MESS of Sophie
As you can see from the interaction at the Police Station, Sophie is in a classic Self vs. Relationship Bind. She can give up the names of the kids who were using drugs and ran away and avoid prosecution. Or she can withhold the names and protect her relationships with those kids. Despite the police officer’s threats of punishment and her mother’s pleas, she is opting for the relationship side of the bind. To her mother, that seems downright self-destructive. No amount of threatening and pleading is going to work with Sophie, however. She has dug in her heels and isn’t budging. And the longer it goes, the more she feels abandoned by her mother in the whole process.
Let’s do an IEBR analysis of Sophie’s behavior:
|
Issue Abandonment is the most important issue affecting Sophie’s decisions and behavior. |
|
Emotion Sophie fears loneliness and alienation from her friends. |
|
Behavior Sophie served as the designated driver for kids who were using and transporting drugs and alcohol. Sophie refused to give up the names of the kids who fled her car when stopped by the police. |
|
Response Police threatened charges of (drug) possession if she did not reveal the names of the kids who fled the scene. Her mother pleaded with her to give up the names of the kids to avoid being charged with drug possession. Mother did not understand why she was being so stubborn and self-destructive. |
As you can see, the police and Sophie’s mother are responding to her behavior, not the emotions and issues giving rise to it. In fact, what they are doing is making things worse for Sophie. Mother’s pleas for her to give up the names of the kids feels like an empathic failure and an abandonment.
If Kristen wants to reach her daughter, she will need to acknowledge how she feels and why, and then speak to the issue driving her behavior (fear of abandonment).
Mother: I know how much it hurts when a friend lets you down. So I can understand why you try to be loyal to your friends.
Sophie: Yeah.
Mother: I can see that threats of jail or punishment aren’t going to make you change your mind.
Sophie: Nope.
Mother: I guess we’ll have to figure out some other way to handle this affair.
Sophie: No kidding.
Given the IEBR reminder of what has gotten Sophie into this predicament and why she is opting for a rather self-destructive stance, what are the developmental issues that need to be addressed in making A MESS of Sophie?
With genuine self-esteem, Sophie would trust that she is entitled to respect and loyalty from friends. With a secure history of attachment, she would not fear people abandoning her. Clearly, she is lacking both. Although logical thinking and communication are important in this situation, the self vs. relatedness bind deserves our focus. So let’s make A MESS of Sophie with an emphasis on Relating and Genuine Self-Esteem.