Raise Your Parenting AQ – Chapter 6
“I Climbed It All By Myself”
Mastery Is The Basis Of Self-Esteem
“It’s Time To Let Go, Dad”
Greg and Tim are in the gym:
“Let’s go climb the next section,” says Tim.
“Are we done here?” asks Greg.
“Yeah, I can do this section. I’ve made it to the top twice already.”
“Have you made it to the top without me keeping the belaying rope taut?” asks Greg.
“Sure,” says Tim without giving the question any thought.
Greg gently reminds him, “No you haven’t.”
“You’re not supposed to keep it taut,” answers Tim, somewhat surprised and frustrated with his dad.
“I only did it when you had a momentary slip,” explains Greg.
“You are not supposed to do that, Dad. How am I going to know whether I made the climb on my own?” says Tim, with his hands on his hips.
“I’m sorry. Fatherly instinct kicked in,” Greg answers rather sheepishly.
“Sounds more like fatherly pride,” scolds Tim, more than willing to let this be his father’s fault.
“Oooo. Aren’t you the sage,” trying not to let on that the “fatherly pride” comment hit a nerve connected to an old issue of Greg’s.
“Let me climb it again and you only hold tight if I have clearly fallen. I let you fall didn’t I?” says Tim, now smiling and determined.
“You certainly did. I’ve got the bruises to prove it,” says Greg, now back to his old self.
“Guess I was a little slow to react. I thought you had nailed that last section,” explains Tim, not quite ready to apologize for being a little slow on the belaying.
“No, it nailed me,” says Greg, rubbing his sore elbow.
“Got to get back on the wall, Dad. Don’t dwell on the mistakes,” says Tim, doing his best imitation of his dad’s style of encouragement.
“You sure talk a good game. I will. After I ice my knee, take some Advil and …,” moans Greg.
“Your knee is just going to be more sore tomorrow. Besides, we won’t be back here in awhile,” Tim reminds him.
“Okay. If you make it to the top without any assistance, I’ll get back on the wall.”
“I’m sure glad you don’t have issues with competition,” Tim responds, sarcastically.
“This is not a competition,” protests Greg, albeit weakly.
“Dad. I’ll still love you even if you can’t get to the top of this wall,” Tim teases him, knowing his dad will won’t back down from his challenge.
“Unbuckle yourself. I’m climbing,” announces Greg, in mock disgust.
“Remember what they taught you in school, Dad. Wait your turn,” says Tim, loving the roll reversal for once.
“Actually, I would like to get up that wall before my knee really does swell up,” says Greg, half in jest, whole in earnest.
“In that case. Have at it,” says Tim, as he hands his dad the harness.
Being playful does not diminish one’s role as a parent. The competence shows in the actions, not in the power asserted. In this example, Greg and Tim uncover an important issue for both of them. There is no substitute for mastery. Mastery is the only true goal, not grades, or ratings. Tim believes he has mastered something because he got to a certain place on the wall. He is like the kid who reads that chapter in the math book and tells himself he understands the material and does not need to do the problems, only to find out on the test that he didn’t quite know it as well as he thought. Greg is eager for Tim to achieve and in this case provided too much help with the climbing. In rescuing Tim from falling or failing, he ultimately deprived him of mastery and actually knowing what he was capable of independent of any help. Parents often have a hard time sitting on their hands and letting their children engage in the necessary struggles of life. In cases like this, the rescuing may have been done for the sake of sparing the kid some frustration or it may have been done because Greg needed to believe that Tim and therefore he, was special. But ultimately, he does Tim a disservice by not letting him struggle on his own. Real measurable mastery is the yardstick by which kids should evaluate themselves; not via grades or comparisons with others.
We need to examine our own issues that lead us to rescue our children from necessary developmental struggles.
A MESS
Genuine Self-Esteem
Relatedness
Here is another possible course this interaction might have taken:
“What Should I Do, Dad?”
“How did the competition go today?”
“I was off to a fast start, but fell midway up the wall.”
“I thought that was the route we had been practicing?”
“It was.”
“So what happened?”
“I don’t know. Maybe I’m just not cut out for competition.”
“You’re such a good climber.”
“I do great when we practice together, Dad.”
“What did your coach say?”
“He said I should practice more with the team and not just with you.”
“Why? You put in just as many hours as anybody.”
“He says I need practice with different belayers. He thinks maybe I get too much help from you when I climb.”
“Really?”
“I really like doing the climbing with you, Dad.”
“Yeah, so do I.”
“What do you think I should do?
“I don’t know. What do you want to do?”
Tim is in a bind between wanting to maintain his connection with his dad, which they have via climbing, and moving ahead in his development as a climber. At some level, he knows that his coach is right, that he needs to separate from his dad and start engaging in the sport more independently. He recognizes that he may depend on his dad more than he should and that his dad is not as objective about what he needs to accomplish as maybe the coach might be. But he does not want to lose this closeness with his dad. He offers his dad the opportunity to recognize his bind when he asks him what he should do. He does not want to hurt his dad’s feelings by simply following the coach’s advice. If Greg gave him permission to work more with the coach, Tim would not have this bind that feels unmanageable.
Although kids need to manage important developmental binds, this is not one that the child should manage. Rather, it is one Greg needs to work through. In this example, Greg is the one who avoided the necessary developmental work, by giving the decision back to his son about what to do. In this case, Greg needed to recognize that Tim felt compelled to choose between a relationship with his father and his own development. If Greg was tuned into the son’s developmental needs he would have reassured Tim that their relationship would not suffer from his wish to do more with the team by saying something like, “now you get the best of everything, more time with the team, more coaching, and you still get to climb with me on your off days”. Greg is not aware of his own need to hold onto to a sense of closeness that is based on dependence instead of growth.
As parents, we need to successfully manage the potential bind between the need for the development of self and the wish to remain close. We need to shift the form our closeness takes from a focus on safety and dependence to one where we are tuned into our child’s need to develop an independent self and help with that process. This bind must be managed successfully, because as our children approach adolescence, they will wrestle with the same bind. First, it will be between thinking or acting for themselves versus staying close to Mom and Dad by depending on them for help. Later it will be between thinking and acting for themselves or deferring to the wishes of their friends to fit in and feel respected.
The earlier example of Greg going over the hockey glass captures the need for parents to recognize when their own issues are at work and how they are affected emotionally and consequently feel the need to act.
When parents act upon their own issues, they deprive their children of important work. Rescuing or failing to provide guidance¹ are examples of letting their own issues interfere with effective parenting.
“Who Needs A Friend When You Can Hire A Sherpa?”
Greg and Tim are back at the gym, observing a solo climber:
“Who is the guy over there climbing on his own?”
“Oh, that’s Avery. He climbs on his own because he doesn’t think anyone is good enough to teach him or belay him. The truth is, no one wants anything to do with the arrogant …”
“Now, now. He’s probably just hurt and trying to take care of himself.”
“Don’t go analyzing him, Dad. He’s a jerk. He thinks he’s God’s gift to climbing. Whenever anyone talks to him, he has to control the conversation. And it’s always about him.”
“He looks like he’s pretty good.”
“Yeah, he is, but he’s been climbing twice as long as the rest of us.”
“He wears a helmet? No one uses a helmet indoors.”
“Avery is not just anyone, Dad. He’s one of a kind. But you notice how he uses lots of bouldering pads. He says that’s proper climbing technique. I think he has to substitute bouldering pads for friends who will spot him or climb with him.”
“You are very harsh in your analysis of him.”
“He just kind of uses people. It’s kind of sad, because he may be able to look good in the gym on the walls with flat landings, but how is he going to climb outside on his own. If he is bouldering, he needs friends to position the landing pads and spot him. If he is top roping, he needs someone to set the ropes and belay him.”
“I thought I saw an article about him on the wall in the lobby. Didn’t he win a climbing competition last summer?”
“Yeah. It was one of those events where you get five minutes to climb a wall and you get points based on how far up the wall you get.”
“So did one of the club members go with him to spot him?”
“No, he didn’t need that. Because at the meets, they have neutral people spotting, so no one gets an unfair advantage.”
“So he did trust someone?”
“I guess you could say that. If Avery ever climbs a mountain, it will be him and ten well paid Sherpa’s. Even then, I can’t believe he would trust anyone enough. Or if he did, I bet they would leave him at the top and come down without him.”
“Sounds like he has a hard life ahead of him.”
“I sure wouldn’t want to be him. He gets plenty of recognition from some people who only know him for his climbing. But those aren’t people who really know him. They are just people who admire him for how well he can climb.”
“You are very harsh in your judgment of Avery. Do you suppose you are only seeing one side of him?”
“Maybe, but that is the only side he shows people.”
Healthy development involves the simultaneous development of a self and the ability to create and maintain satisfying relationships. Avery is an example of a kid who has not achieved a healthy balance between self and connections. His focus on himself is being over emphasized and his ability to work with others is suffering. As Greg and Tim observe, he is quite accomplished as a climber, but quite alienated from others. This does not bode well for Avery’s future in terms of healthy relationships with friends, partners or colleagues. Avery seems to have concluded at some point that he cannot trust others and has learned to simply trust himself. Early in life, children should know they can trust their parents to unconditionally love them and value their quests for growth. They need to take turns, share and cooperate. Perhaps because his parents were undependable or conditional, Avery learned to just trust himself. Instead of being anxious and clinging to the safety of others he engages as fully as possible on his own. Instead of feeling inadequate, he strives to achieve and even competes in order to prove his own worth.
Tim finds Avery annoying or arrogant. Greg is able to see the sadness in Avery’s situation. Failure to simultaneously manage the two basic developmental goals of developing a self and maintaining healthy attachments results in unhappy outcomes. Avery is successfully managing part of his development. He can say, “I can handle this”, “I know what is right”, and “I take responsibility”. He may even know how he feels. But he is unable to recognize how others feel and he cannot create satisfying relationships with others.
Parents must promote the simultaneous development of a competent self while maintaining an unconditionally loving relationship.
Relatedness
Empathy
“Why Aren’t You More Like Him?”
The scene in the gym with Greg and Tim watching Avery climb could easily have gone differently:
“Who is the guy over there climbing on his own?” asks Greg.
“Oh, that’s Avery. He climbs on his own because he doesn’t think anyone is good enough to teach him or climb with him. The truth is, no one wants anything to do with the arrogant …”
“Wow. He is really good. Doesn’t look like he needs anyone to spot him when he boulders.”
“He’s a jerk. Nobody would spot him if he asked.”
“Has he won any competitions?” guesses Greg.
“Yeah. Quite a few.”
“How do you do compare to him?”
“I usually lose. But that’s not the point.” responds Tim, indignantly.
“Do you put in as many hours at the gym as he does?”
“No. I have a life. I have friends.”
“I saw the write up about him in the lobby. Sounds like he’s going to qualify for Nationals. “
“National S-O-B.”
“Do I hear some jealousy?”
“No, Dad. If I put in as many hours as he does and didn’t have any friends like he doesn’t, I’d be as good a climber as he is. But I don’t want that.”
“Do you think Avery will earn a college scholarship for climbing?”
“I don’t think there is such a thing, Dad.”
“I’ll bet that saves him big bucks when it comes college time.”
“Didn’t you hear what I said?”
“You should check that out. We could use a good scholarship come college tuition time.”
“It’s certainly not going to be for climbing, Dad.”
“That’s too bad.”
In this version, Greg is overly focused on Avery’s climbing ability, and in the process fails to listen to Tim. Greg is very concerned about achievement, competition and between-child comparisons in general. He wants to know if Tim can climb as well as Avery. With this singular focus on achievement, Greg fails to consider how this affects others and why Avery has difficulty in relationships. To some extent, Greg is displaying some of the same behavior that Tim does not like in Avery. Greg fails to listen to Tim’s thoughts or feelings. Greg is giving Tim a strong message that if Tim wants to have a relationship with him, he needs to tune into what his father values: achievement, winning, and making money. Greg and Avery are overly concerned about achievement and the development of self, while neglecting the equal importance of developing and maintaining healthy relationships. Greg is failing to listen carefully to Tim and know that what is narrowly essential for Avery is not necessarily good for Tim.
This version of Greg is putting his own needs ahead of his son’s. He seems to view Tim and his achievements as an extension of him, just like when he gives Tim the message that if he were a better climber, he would save the family some money at college tuition time. Not only is Greg out of touch with what constitutes a healthy balance for his son between self-development and maintaining healthy relationships, he seems to lack successful accomplishment of that in his own life. He seems singularly focused on achievement and comparisons and misses the fact that his son is an individual with his own thoughts, feelings and needs. Instead of successfully managing his own balanced development, Greg expects those in his life to fall in line with his expectations. Consequently, having a relationship with him is conditional. This will lead to Tim having to decide whether to sacrifice internal direction if he wants to stay connected with his dad. Or it will lead to some conflict when Tim decides to go down a path Greg disapproves.
If our own developmental work is incomplete, that leaves us blind to the work our children need in that same area.
Here’s another possible scenario:
“Use Your People Skills”
“Who is the guy over there climbing on his own?”
“Oh, that’s Avery. He climbs on his own because he doesn’t think anyone is good enough to teach him or climb with him. The truth is, no one wants anything to do with the arrogant …”
“You know, you guys could use a strong climber like Avery on your team.”
“I’d rather be on a team with weaker climbers than be on a team with Avery.”
“Really? Now that’s not very open-minded. Why can’t you find a way to make it work?”
“Because he is a jerk and has been for many years.”
“Maybe he’s just misunderstood. Lot’s of high achievers are like that.”
“What do you mean?”
“Well, sometimes they’re so focused on their craft, they don’t spend enough time with others.”
“But that doesn’t change the fact that he’s an arrogant SOB, Dad. Some people just aren’t worth the effort.”
“Well, I’ll be very disappointed in you if you can’t find a way to make things work with Avery. Haven’t I always taught you to use your people skills?”
“I just use those skills around you, Dad.”
“What is that supposed to mean? Are you saying you can’t find a way to get along with Avery?”
“Oh, I know how. I just don’t want to.”
“What is that supposed to mean?”
“Well, if I do whatever he tells me to do, I suspect we’d get along just fine, as far as he’s concerned.”
“I’m not following you.”
“Avery is more interested in having a Sherpa than having a friend.”
“Everybody wants friends.”
“I suppose that is right. But I want friends who treat me right.”
“Well football coaches find a way to deal with extreme personalities.”
“When you are ready to pay me three million a year to share a locker room with Avery, I’ll find it in me to make nice. But not for a penny less.”
“How many big league teams are made up of only nice guys?”
“Aren’t you a life long fan of the Loveable Losers?”
“Next year – they won’t be so loveable and they won’t be losing.”
“Okay Dad. When your not so loveable losers win the Series, I’ll personally ask Avery to join our team. Until then – I’ll continue with the losers I call my friends.”
“Suit yourself. Don’t say I didn’t warn you come competition time.”
On the surface, this father is concerned about achievement and getting along with others. He is concerned about Tim becoming socially adept and able to make things work with everyone in his life. But telling him to do so or even explaining how to “use his people skills” is more than offset by Greg’s inability to tune into what Tim is saying or feeling. Greg is genuinely concerned about Tim becoming a socially skilled individual, but he goes about it as if it is a process that involves teaching a set of skills. Although Greg is well meaning and wants Tim to treat others kindly, it is as if he has read a book about how people should act and assumes he knows what is right for Tim. In the process, he fails to listen to what Tim is saying or to understand how Tim is feeling.
Greg and Avery exemplify the risk of a preoccupation with one aspect of development – the self and areas of mastery – at the expense of the other important area of development, connections with others. We do not know enough about Avery to understand why he has put all his emphasis in one area, but it comes at a high price in terms of missing friendships. Greg seems to fear the consequences of not achieving at a high enough level, which blinds him to the relationship issues that must be simultaneously managed. If he has a wife and family who appreciate him and understand his good intentions, then his over emphasis on achievement is tolerated and sometimes useful. However, Greg is asking Tim to use his people skills to form a relationship with Avery, while failing to recognize that the essential basis of a good friendship is the ability to listen, understand and empathize – all of which are lacking in this interaction with his son. Children learn to do that in relationships when they have received that kind of treatment from significant others, such as their parents.
Actually, Tim is being rather patient with Greg, despite his father’s failure to get him. Tim likely understands that his father is well intentioned, but rather lacking in common sense when it comes to how and why people choose their friends. He has grown to the point that he challenges his father’s recommendations and pronouncements. Instead of fighting with him or arguing, he engages his dad in some repartee. It is likely that Tim’s mother is more attuned and has taught him to appreciate his father’s “good intentions”. Without another parent to offer these lessons in compassion and tolerance Tim might feel more compelled to agree with his father in order to maintain his connection with a man who presumes to know what is right.
Experiencing our genuine interest, understanding, and empathy is the basis for our children forming their own healthy relationships.
Relatedness
Empathy
Communication
Link to Raise Your Parenting IQ – Chapter 7
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¹ Three parenting styles have been identified in the developmental literature: authoritative, permissive and authoritarian. This book has promoted an authoritative position, where parents are warm and responsive, with clear rules and limits. They expect children to move toward independence by assuming more responsibility and are open to children’s need to understand the basis for rules and how they can be changed by virtue of taking on more responsibility.