Keep the Conflict in the Kid
Self-reliance is an essential developmental goal. It involves a process of the child assuming responsibilities previously provided for them from external sources – like mom tying their shoes, zipping their coat, and putting them to bed. Growth occurs because the child wants to learn and be more self-reliant. Growth is slowed by too much dependence on outside help. Limits protect kids from dangers or things they can’t control themselves. Limits can and should change as children demonstrate the ability to self-regulate instead of needing external limits to regulate their behavior. Kids invariably want more freedom and more privileges. If they believe those freedoms and privileges are at the whim of controlling adults, then conflict arises between child and parent. When kids develop greater responsibility and self-reliance, then the limits are relaxed accordingly. Therefore, the “conflict” (how to effect change) should reside in the kid, not between parent and kid.
What is its value?
“Keep the conflict in the child” is a parental mantra to be repeated every time tension arises between parent and child around what hasn’t been done or should be done. If it is a mantra to be truly embraced, then it should guide our thinking before conflict breaks out. Anytime we are in conflict with our children we need to step back and ask ourselves, “Is this a case where the conflict needs to reside in the kid?” If we are nagging our child to do something, then the felt need to do it isn’t in the kid; it is in us. If we are badgering our child to complete an important assignment for school that is due the next day, the urgency is in us, not the child. Whose assignment is it? Who’s getting graded? Finding ways to effectively keep the conflict in the child saves a great deal of parent-child conflict. If only the child would let us.
So why is it so hard to do? Often, the conflict results from too much dependence and too little self-reliance, such as the way Mitch and Molly relate. Conflicts with kids about rules, limits, curfews can be angry and painful. But they are destined to continue as long as the child believes the parent is in control and is the one limiting them. In a healthy family, children know why limits exist and they also know what they need to take care of if they want those limits changed.
How is it achieved?
By explaining what level of responsibility warrants greater freedom or privilege, the parent puts the work (or conflict) back into the child. It is not a subjective or arbitrary granting of freedom by the parent. Instead, it is a privilege the child earns by demonstrating readiness. The training wheels come off the bike because the child demonstrates riding skill, not because he or she has reached a certain age.