Power of Passion and Purpose – Neal
Neal Stays Home from College
Do you remember where we first met Neal in Part I? Passed out in his parents’ foyer, four weeks after starting college. Neal returned to school, but things continued to go downhill. He fell farther behind, became increasingly discouraged, and even started skipping classes because he felt it was making no difference. By the time we check in with him again, he is spending far more time playing video games than he is studying. When we pick up with Neal in Part III, Thanksgiving Break is still one month away, yet Neal has come home for the weekend … and stayed for a week.
What if, instead of trusting that everything is okay or will turn out okay, his parents take a more active role with Neal? Let’s see how that might play out.
“What are your thoughts on returning to school?” his father asked.
“My new pledge brothers have been texting me, wondering when I’ll be back,” Neal responded.
“So you have school and fraternity factors to consider. Think out loud for me. I want to know how you are feeling about school.”
“Well, I’m kind of all over the place, Dad. I’ve started to make some good friends at the fraternity. We have a bunch of pledge stuff we need to get done. I like my roommate.”
“Yeah. You’ve always been good at making friends.”
“I guess I like being at school more than being in school. Do you know what I mean?”
“I think I do, but why don’t you explain.”
“Well. I really like being there. There’s so much to do. So many interesting people …”
“And lot’s of pretty girls?”
“Even in my engineering class.”
“So tell me about your classes. The academic part, not the girl part.”
“Well, you kind of already know. I’m not doing good.”
“Well.”
“Well what?”
“Not doing well.”
“That’s what I said, I’m not doing very good.”
“Do you have any ideas about why?”
“Lately, I’ve been skipping classes. But that’s only part of the reason. I’m so lost in most of them, it doesn’t seem like it matters if I am there or not.”
“That sounds pretty frustrating. I remember how hard freshman year was.”
“Yeah, but you didn’t flunk out, did you?” Neal said.
“Are you worried you are going to flunk out?”
“Kind of. My advisor said he’d find me a tutor. But I need a tutor for every class and I’m still not sure I can get caught up.”
“Why?”
“I felt like I was behind before these classes even began.”
“What do you mean?”
“Well, take my roommate (for example). He and I are in two of the same classes: calculus and chemistry. He already took a year of calculus in high school and he was in AP chemistry. These classes are like reviews for him. And that’s true for almost everyone in those classes.”
“You took chemistry and pre calculus in high school.”
“Well, I obviously didn’t learn as much as Zach did.”
“So you feel like you weren’t well enough prepared?”
“I feel like most of those kids took high school seriously and I didn’t.”
“Where does that leave you?”
“Screwed is the term you are looking for.”
“Hmmm.”
“I feel like I am just as smart as those other kids. I just don’t know as much as they do.”
“That’s an interesting distinction. Do you feel like you can get caught up enough to pass? I don’t think anyone is going to go back and look at your freshman grades when you get out in the real world.”
“Thanks Dad, but …”
“But what?”
“I would have to work my butt off to get caught up and I don’t think I have what it takes right now to do that. Especially at the pace those classes move.”
“No fire in the belly?”
“Yeah, no ‘eye on the prize’, like you used to say,” Neal confessed.
“So what do you want to do?” his dad asked.
“Will you be ashamed of me if I withdraw from school?”
“Ashamed? Heavens no.”
ANALYSIS:
What do you think of this conversation? If Neal were your son, would you have handled it this way? David must have been very disappointed and possibly angry that Neal was skipping class and flunking out. But to his credit, he was able to tolerate those feelings instead of just acting on them. We can tell from this conversation that Neal knows his father is disappointed and he cares very much what his dad thinks. Instead of assuming he knew what was wrong and what should be done about it, David took the time to be curious about what Neal thought was the problem and did it in a way that was nonjudgmental. In short, this conversation was an IEBR analysis of Neal’s school failure.
Unlike Mitch who would have had excuses for why his teachers had treated him unfairly, Neal was able to admit he was not well prepared for college and that much of that problem was the result of not working hard in high school. That kind of ownership of the problem would have been far more difficult to access if David had been angry, judgmental or quick to suggest consequences. Did you notice how David empathized with how hard it must be for Neal, yet asked questions that kept the conflict in his son where it belonged? (When he reminded Neal that he had taken Chemistry and Pre-calculus in high school.) Although he might have preferred that Neal stay in school and do the hard work of catching up, he listened to Neal’s feelings of hopelessness that had some real practical basis – that he was in over his head in these classes.
Not only was this a valuable IEBR analysis for David’s understanding, it served the same purpose for Neal. David’s goal for his son is to become a good analyzer of his own behavior, which can lead to greater self-regulation. This conversation defined some problems and important goals that needed to be mastered, such as self-discipline and mastery of introductory calculus and chemistry. Where and how that should take place is still up in the air, but this was a good start. Neal had been avoiding problems that made him feel bad about himself. But that strategy only contributed to it worsening. His father’s inquiry forced him to examine his behavior and its basis. In other words, he promoted healthy engagement instead of avoidance. In the process he also moved the conflict back into Neal where it belonged.
After Neal’s Return Home
Neal and his parents agreed that if a big part of his problem at the university was his lack of adequate preparation, then the logical solution was remediating those deficits in courses at the local community college. Ideally, he would be able to master core material in math and science without the pressure of having to keep up with other students who were far ahead in mastery and in classes that assumed mastery he had not yet attained.
“Neal, you said you weren’t prepared enough to keep up freshman year?” his dad asked.
“Yeah. Why do you ask?”
“Well, you’ve been home for a month and I was wondering how your new classes were going? I haven’t heard you talking much about school.”
“They’re okay. I’m doing fine.”
“Hmmm.”
“Hmmm, what? I know that ‘hmmm’ when I hear it.”
“Hmmm, in this case means, that ‘fine’ was the word you used when we asked you how you were doing in high school and how you were doing at the university.”
“And.”
“Well. I thought you said, that looking back, you really weren’t doing so ‘good’,” his dad said.
“Not doing so ‘well’.”
“Good.”
“Well.”
“It’s good you know the difference between good and well.”
“Mom sat me down and explained it … instead of just doing whatever it was you tried to do to teach me.”
“A more direct approach?”
“Yeah. I liked that.”
“Well. Let me be more direct. I am worried you are coasting in your community college classes, just like you did in high school.”
“Ouch. I think I preferred the old Dad.”
“Well?”
“Yeah. I suppose I am. The classes are not as hard, but I’m also not that motivated.”
“How come?”
“Well … they’re kind of easy.”
“Goldilocks.”
“Huh?”
“Remember Goldilocks? This porridge was too hot and this one was too cold. This bed was too hard and this bed was too soft?”
“Dad!”
“What?”
“Shame based motivation can have damaging effects on children?”
“Where did you hear that?”
“In my intro psych class.”
“I wasn’t shaming you. I was ridiculing you. There’s a big difference.”
“Ha! So why were you linking me with Goldilocks?”
“Well, she never seemed satisfied. You said the university was too hard. Now you are saying community college is too easy. They sound little bit like excuses. I guess I’m at a loss of how to help you with school, Neal.”
“Yeah. I’m kind of at a loss too.”
“Would you mind if I took a break from school after this term is over?”
“No, but you need to find something to get serious about. And that doesn’t include video gaming, Goldilocks.”
“Daaaaad. Skip the Goldilocks @#$%, okay?”
“Okay.”
ANALYSIS:
David wanted to add, “And skip the video gaming @#$%, too.” Fortunately, he cut his losses and kept his mouth shut. The ‘Goldilocks’ reference was a little bit of frustration leakage on his part. And if he wasn’t careful, all that preceded it could have been lost if Neal focused his attention on that.
David was tuned in enough to know that Neal was not applying himself fully at the community college. He now knew not to ask, “How is it going?” and accept, “Fine” as an answer. This was hardly one of David’s finer interviews, but it was a necessary inquiry, a form of engagement that was lacking in high school. We’ll have to wait and see what happens with the next phase, but David’s questioning prompted Neal to speak up about his lack of motivation.
Could you improve on how David handled this inquiry?
| Your Turn
Neal has come home from the university because he was failing to keep up in his classes. At some point he quit going to many of his classes because he said he was so far behind. Now he is in a less challenging setting where those issues should not be a concern, yet he is not doing the work. Take a moment to ponder this situation. How would you have approached Neal? What would you have said? What would you want addressed? Would it be helpful to keep in mind the IEBR analysis? And the make A MESS approach? How would these apply? Clearly, the rationale Neal gave for failing to keep up at the University does not explain why he is not keeping up at the community college. How might you bring this to his attention? In the IEBR analysis, what is he trying to manage at the IE level? What can you apply from the Make A MESS approach? He has more than math and science to master. Are there developmental competencies that are lacking? Internal discipline? Curiosity? Creativity and Vision? Can you think of others? How would you address the lack of engagement? Do you have any ideas how you could encourage engagement? What do you think of David’s willingness to let him drop out of community college? Is there some merit to that decision? How does it fit with the goal of keeping the conflict in the kid? Whose goal is college at this time? Neal’s or his parents? |
Neal lacked more than adequate preparation in math and science to start college. It is now quite obvious that he lacks motivation. Remember the formula for motivation? He had the (I can) part, but appears to lack the (I want) part. It doesn’t work if the (I want) resides in the parent and not the kid. In the following vignettes, we will see how David tries to help Neal find the (I want). For many of us, the (I want) comes from passion and purpose. Let’s see if Neal can develop those as well.
David has made it clear to Neal that if he is not in school, then he needs a job. Unlike many adolescents, Neal has accepted that expectation and has engaged in a job search. David has chosen not to use threats like, “If you don’t get a job, you can’t live here.” That gives a message that love is conditional. On the other hand, he will not coddle him and let Neal avoid the developmental work he has to do. He knows that Neal tends to avoid what makes him uncomfortable. So simply asking him to talk about it and ask what his plans are amounts to a healthy form of promoting engagement and keeping the conflict in the kid.
“Have you found a job yet?” his dad asked.
“Yeah. Sort of,” Neal answered.
“What does ‘sort of’ mean?”
“Well, I interviewed at Domino’s Pizza and Jimmy John’s. I know I can get a job delivering. I think I can also get an in-store job at Jimmy John’s.”
“What do you think of those options?”
“Well, Jason told me about the Jimmy John’s job. He said his older brother has worked his way up to being a manager. He’s trying to talk their dad into buying a franchise.”
“I’m glad to hear Dalton has found his niche. I remember him as a good athlete, but not much for practicing.”
“Well, it sounds like being a businessman is what’s got him excited.”
“What has you excited?” his dad asked.
“I assume you mean, besides video games?” Neal asked.
“I’m sure video games have many transferable skills, but yeah, I was asking about your world beyond gaming.”
“If you are asking me, what gets me excited, other than video games and girlfriend, then the answer is, ‘Nothing’.”
“What gets you excited, Dad?”
“A good round of golf. A good novel. An interesting vacation.”
“Dad. Golf, novels and vacations aren’t that different from video games and girlfriends. In your case, Mom is the girlfriend who plans your vacations.”
“Ok. So let me ask it a different way. What gives you satisfaction and purpose?”
“Whoa, Dad, I’m still a teenager.”
“Aren’t teenagers allowed to have purpose?”
“Yeah, I guess so. Being a good friend is important to me.”
“Does it make you feel good about yourself?”
“Yeah. When I can be helpful to one of my friends, I get a good feeling. It doesn’t seem right that I should feel good about helping them when they are upset, though.”
“So, you don’t enjoy their misery, but you take satisfaction in being helpful?”
“I guess that’s right. Kind of like, you don’t like arguing with me, but you like being my dad?”
“Most of the time.”
“Ouch.”
“So, you value being helpful, but …”
“Delivering people their pizzas is not what I would call satisfying.”
“Well, it’s nice when you find a job that is enjoyable, satisfying and lucrative, but…”
“But not everybody can play third base for the Yankees.”
“Cubs!”
“Keep the hope alive, Dad.”
“So, you need sources of enjoyment, satisfaction, purpose, and …”
“Income?”
“Yep. But right now, you are having trouble finding those, let alone combining them?”
“Yeah. Got any suggestions?”
“Well, you need a job. So until you find one that is a better fit, you probably need to take one that puts money in your pocket.”
“Maybe I’ll do the Jimmy John’s delivery ‘til I find something better.”
“That works.”
David is doing a nice job of helping Neal talk out loud about the job search process and how it fits with his interests, goals and needs. That is an important role parents can play for kids, helping them make all the connections in a complex system. In Neal’s case, it also helps him stay engaged because when he feels overwhelmed by the complexity or disappointed by something lacking, he simply avoids the difficult process. David is helping him define what we all strive for; goals such as stimulation, satisfaction, security, connectedness, and purpose. He is also helping him recognize that he may not get all of those in one job, especially if he has not defined those for himself or acquired the skills to create them. But for now, he can start where he is and work to make things better. Working at Jimmy John’s will go a long way in developing internal discipline. It may even create some more incentive to achieve in school. Working at Jimmy John’s is not Neal’s life passion.
Some kids hide in their rooms because they enjoy playing video games. But they are also there because it is a safe haven from the demands of the real world. They can be successful in their virtual roles. But, the more they hide away, the more likely they will be met with criticism from their parents for being lazy and wasting their time on video games when they do emerge from hiding. So … they retreat to the safety of their rooms … and play video games.
David has chosen a different approach with Neal. He knows that engaging Neal in a curious, nonjudgmental way is an effective way to interrupt the avoidance and stimulate problem solving on Neal’s part. “What are your plans? What have you figured out? Why are you doing that?” All of these questions force Neal to think, explain and analyze. Neal doesn’t want to be stuck in his room any more than his dad does. If he is there, there must be something that needs to be avoided and David is prepared to help him plan an effective problem solving approach. Ben knows that there are things Neal is passionate about. Certainly his friends. He trusts that Neal will find what gives him a sense of purpose. Blocking the exits (tendency to avoid) and keeping him engaged in talking about it is the strategy David is employing.
“Dad, if I ask you how to find something that’s satisfying, are you going to tell me that doing well in school is my ticket?”
“Hmmm. Some people can do well in school without having a purpose … other than getting good grades. That worked for Mom, but not for me.”
“You mean you weren’t a good student? You must have been to get a Ph.D.?”
“Well, I became a good student once I figured out what I wanted and what I needed to learn.”
“How did you do that?”
“Well, I was teaching school. In the process of trying to be a good teacher, I had to know my subject and the more I studied, the more I enjoyed learning. Pretty soon, studying wasn’t a chore, it was a pleasure.”
“You make it sound so easy.”
“I started grad school ten years after your mom did. I never considered it easy.”
“Does that mean I get a ten year break to find myself?”
“Ha. As long as you are searching. And employed. I’m not a schoolteacher anymore, but those years really helped me grow. I worked really hard. It was very satisfying. I liked helping my students. …”
“And?”
“The pay sucked.”
“So, you had the purpose and satisfaction, but not the money?”
“Well, it always nice to have everything in one package, but …”
“I have to go to college to make that happen.”
“Well, once you know what you want, gaining expertise always helps.”
“That’s code for college, Dad.”
“Bill Gates and Steve Jobs skipped college.”
“Seriously?”
“But they knew what they wanted and were passionate about learning.”
“Did either of them deliver for Jimmy John’s?”
David cannot define passion and purpose for Neal, but he can keep the exploration process open by being genuinely interested and supportive. He also offers Neal suggestions for how to search, often by sharing his own experiences. David is very successful, but he did not find his clear direction and purpose any earlier than Neal. When David shares that history he conveys empathy and makes the process feel much less judgmental for Neal.
Linked
“Hey, Dad. Thanks for the LinkedIn suggestion. I got a second job through it,” Neal said.
“How so?”
“Well, remember my math teacher from high school, Mrs. N.?”
“Yeah. I liked her.”
“So did I. Well, she saw me on LinkedIn and put me in contact with another former student of hers.”
“And?”
“Just be patient, Dad. I’m getting to it.”
“The suspense is killing me.”
“Her student is a math teacher in the South End. He’s part of Teach For America. He was looking to hire someone to help him and he said Mrs. N told him I was good at math and good with people. I said I wasn’t so sure about the math part, but he told me if she recommended me, that was good enough for him. It sounds like it would be grading papers and doing a little tutoring.”
“What do you think of that?”
“Well, I won’t get rich doing it, but it sure beats delivering sandwiches in the snow.”
“Are you quitting your Jimmy John’s job?”
“I wish. Not yet. But this sounds better than trying to get more hours at a job I hate.”
“I respect the fact that you have hung in there with that job, even though you don’t like it.”
“Thanks.”
“Tell me more about the Teach For America guy.”
“Well, I met with him Thursday and he said he wants me to start ASAP.”
“Great. How can he pay you? You aren’t a school system employee.”
“He said he applied on line for money and some people donated it to him.”
“I think I’ve heard about that. Donors something?”
“Yeah, I think he called it Donors Choose. People go online and pay for projects they think are ‘cool’. Anyway, I guess I’m part of somebody’s idea of a cool project.”
“Hey, whatever works. I’ll be eager to hear how it goes.”
David let Neal know that he respects the fact that he has hung in there with a job he doesn’t particularly like. That shows good progress with developing self-discipline, something he was lacking when he started college. Encouraging Neal to post his profile on LinkedIn was another effective form of engagement. Going to the site not only provides Neal with access to potential jobs, it also makes it abundantly clear what skills he still needs in order to compete. The more time he spends on LinkedIn, the more things get stirred up. David isn’t pushing, but he certainly is monitoring. For instance, a kid could easily get discouraged after viewing all the people on LinkedIn who are so much better prepared. Fortunately, that was not the case for Neal.
David has remained curious, much more so than the parent we saw in Part I of the book who took Neal’s response that “Every thing’s fine” literally. Genuine interest conveys just that, a nonjudgmental wish to know how things are going in his life. It also serves a useful purpose of making processes conscious and public. We all know that making a verbal promise to someone is more powerful than just making it to ourselves. And talking about something out loud often gets at inconsistencies that get glossed over when it remains in our heads.
Do you notice David’s attunement? If David remains genuinely curious and interested, opportunities to recognize developmental progress and support it emerge. In this next vignette, notice how David recognizes a little spark of passion and purpose in Neal. Neal is a people person who likes to help others. That may a place to start with Neal on the road to passion and purpose.
“How’s the job at the school going?”
“I like it. But I’ve had to brush up on my math a little. Tutoring math is harder than doing math.”
“That’s an interesting observation. How so?”
“Well, sometimes I can do a problem, you know, kind of ‘plug and chug’, just like the example in the book. But when I have to explain how to do it to a kid, sometimes I realize I didn’t really understand it as well as I thought.”
“Kind of like the difference between following a recipe and being a good cook?”
“Hmmm. That’s an interesting way to explain it. Yeah. It’s easy to follow the recipe in the chapter.”
“So you are learning some more math?”
“Learning it better. And it’s pretty cool when I can help a kid understand it.”
“You are finding your work ‘satisfying’?”
“There’s that word again. Yep. I am finding it satisfying. Even grading papers, because I know it’s really helpful to Bradley.”
“I’m happy for you.”
“Does it bring you ‘satisfaction’ as a parent?”
“Let’s not get carried away. I’m just happy you found a J-O-B that you like.”
A Suggestion
Neal really liked working with Bradley, even though the test grading could be pretty monotonous. Bradley did a good job of teaching him about the whole process of testing kids’ achievement, setting learning goals, and developing good measures of competence. He also liked how Bradley allowed kids to retake tests as many times as they wanted, explaining that it helped direct kids to what they needed to relearn and gave them a sense of control over their own progress. The only down side of this approach was the volume of tests to grade.
Working with Bradley is the best tonic possible when it comes to a search for passion and purpose. That is what leads most Teach For America volunteers to give two or more years of their lives to working with underprivileged kids. In Neal’s case, it began to show him what it felt like to truly be engaged in something meaningful.
“Bradley, can I make a suggestion?” Neal asked.
“Sure. Any time. Speak up.”
“Well, it’s not that I don’t like grading tests, but I think a machine could do this better and faster than I can.”
“So what is this machine you have in mind?”
“How about if I write a little program that allows kids to take their tests on the computer? That way, the computer will score them on the spot.”
“So it would be multiple choice, instead of showing their work?”
“Well, I figure, if they can get the right answer, they must be doing the work.”
“Or cheating?”
“I know how to prevent that.”
“I heard you were quite the gamer. Is this where this idea of yours is coming from?”
“My dad always said, ‘Video games and math have a lot in common’.”
“He’s right. They both are all about reaching levels of mastery.”
“Yeah. Mastery learning. You should let the kids work to become part of the gold level or platinum level, like the gamers.”
“Yeah, that’s probably better than saying to their friend, “I totally rock at factoring,” Bradley laughed.
“Ha. For sure.”
“Ok, give your programming idea a whirl. I’ll pay you for ten hours of work and then you come show me what you’ve come up with.”
“That would be great, but I already did it. I just needed your permission,” Neal said with a sheepish grin.
“Ha! Well, I can still pay you.”
“No. It was fun. I like programming and it will get me out of doing something I don’t really like.”
“You mean you don’t like grading papers?” Bradley asked in mock surprise.
“About as much as you do, I would guess.”
“Ok. When do I get to see the demo?”
“Just so happens, I have it in my backpack.”
What a great example of passion and purpose taking root. And Bradley has been right there to nurture it. Neal’s idea for giving the tests on the computer worked well. He didn’t even mind the tedious chore of transferring all the written tests to the computer, because he was feeling rather proud of the fact that it was his idea and Bradley was letting him run with it. Bradley gave Neal permission to develop variations of each test so that the kids saw new problems when they retook their tests. Not only did Neal enjoy developing the tests, he found that he was actually relearning math better the second time around. He talked his dad into parting with an old desktop computer that was collecting dust at home, and they were in business.
The kids in the class also liked this new option. However, Bradley and Neal were soon the victims of their own success. Last week a fight broke out between two kids arguing over whose turn it was to take a test. Bradley broke up the fight and burst out laughing. He turned to the two boys and said, “Isn’t it totally cool that you both care this much about math that you’ll fight over a computer?”
Bradley then gave Neal the job of scheduling testing times on the computer. Neal developed a sign-up sheet for kids to reserve time on the computer, hoping to end the need for lines and squabbles. Well … not exactly.
“I like the way you let kids retake tests. I just wasn’t crazy about grading them,” Neal said.
“Yeah. I think kids work harder when they can go back and study more to get a better score,” Bradley explained.
“Wish I had that option in school.”
“Ha. Putting the tests on the computer is working great. We just need more computers,” Bradley sighed.
“No you don’t.”
“Huh?”
“All you need are dumb terminals. Lots of gamers just hook to a central server and play in the cloud,” Neal explained.
“You are losing me,” Bradley said as he held up his hand to slow him down.
“All we need for each user is a screen, a keyboard, and a way to sign in to your test. You don’t need all the expensive stuff in your laptop there.”
“So, we can use equipment other people no longer need?” Bradley quickly realized.
“Yeah. We don’t even need something as elaborate as that computer my Dad gave us.”
“Ok. I get what you are saying.”
Neal beamed.
The (I can) and (I want) are clearly visible in Neal now aren’t they? The passion and purpose train has left the station. Now all it needs is a source of fuel; in this case, fuel in the form of praise, resources, encouragement, and feedback. And … higher expectations, since Bradley knows Neal is capable of much more.
“Your next job is to write a proposal for Donor’s Choose to get the supplies we need. I’ll bet some company would love to make a charitable donation by giving away old computer equipment,” Bradley said with a conspiratorial chuckle.
“I don’t know if I can do a good enough job writing a proposal.”
“Sure you can. I’ll help you. First thing you do is make a list of supplies we need and write an explanation of how they will be used. Then I’ll help you ‘jazz it up’ with all sorts of educational benefits wording. You know, ‘How this will reverse the inequities of poverty and give poor kids a fighting chance.’”
“Ok. You know Bradley. Even though you make it sound like you are feeding these donors a line, I think it’s pretty cool what you are doing. You really are giving these kids a fighting chance.”
“Thanks Neal. That’s what TFA is all about.”
“I think its pretty cool.”
“I’m glad you are a part of it.”
“So am I. I haven’t enjoyed working this hard at anything.”
Do you notice how the old Zone of Proximal Development process is at work here? Bradley is asking Neal to keep stretching his limits in what he can accomplish, yet he is providing the scaffolding to support moves into new territory.
“You know. It’s not fair,” Neal said to his Dad one day when he got home from his job.
“What isn’t fair?”
“It’s not fair that so many kids go to crappy schools.”
“You sound worked up about this. What have you been finding out?”
“Well, Bradley does a great job with his kids. Don’t get me wrong. But all the kids in his 8th grade math class started the year way behind.”
“Way behind, like how much math they knew?”
“Yeah. He told me that some of the kids in his class didn’t even know their multiplication tables at the start of the year. How do you get to 8th grade and not know your multiplication tables?”
“That’s pretty sad,” David agreed.
“That’s just wrong, if you tell me,” Neal said, his fits clenched.
“All the kids?”
“There’s one girl and one boy in his class that started at grade level. That means they started 8th grade, able do what kids their age are expected to know when they give them those big tests at the end of the year.”
“Yeah. I know what tests you mean.”
“Well, except for those two kids, all the rest of his students were two, three, sometimes five grades behind in what they were supposed to know.”
“I agree,” David said. “That’s not fair. That wouldn’t have happened where you went to school.”
“No way!”
“I’m glad you are helping those kids.”
“Yeah, but it feels like a spit in the ocean.”
“Every little bit helps,” David reminded him.
“Yeah, but Bradley could use twenty of me. He’s got about thirty kids in each of his classes. And almost all of them could use a tutor.”
“Wow. That must be pretty frustrating for him.”
“Yeah. He works really hard. And his kids are making great progress. But it’s more than one person can do,” Neal said, with a little discouragement creeping in where the frustration had been.
“I’ll bet he’s glad he’s got you.”
“I know he is. In fact, he got another donation, so he doubled my hours.”
“Great. Does that mean you are out of the sandwich business?”
“Soon. I gave them my notice. In less than two weeks, I’m no longer a ‘freaky fast’ delivery boy.”
“So is he increasing your hours as a tutor?”
“Yeah. That’s part of it. But he said he’s gonna tell me about some big plans.”
“I can’t wait to hear about them.”
Neal’s passion and purpose have emerged in the course of this work with Bradley and his students. Bradley recognizes the potential Neal possesses and has been setting high expectations for him. As his father, David is a little more tuned into the potential for Neal to get discouraged and avoid disappointments.
Neal was not only passionate about the computer system he helped set up; as you can see from his conversation with his dad, he was beginning to get attached to the kids tool. Bradley gave him four students to tutor daily, and it turns out Bradley had some big plans for them all.
“Hey Bradley. I’ve got a question for you.”
“Oh, oh. What now?”
“I like the tutoring. In fact, I’m having to study at night to make sure I know the stuff well enough for the next day.”
“Welcome to my world.”
“It’s okay. I’m actually enjoying it. But I don’t get it. You’ve got me tutoring your best students. They are already working at grade level.”
“Yep. And I expect you to help them pass up those rich kids over at St. Thomas.”
“Huh? I thought the whole idea was to help kids catch up to grade level.”
“It is. And this is part of that process.”
“Ok, you’ve lost me,” Neal said.
“You are right. These are the four best students in my math classes. And I want you to help them become superstars,” Bradley explained.
“How come? How about the rest of the kids who really need my help?”
“All kids can benefit from tutoring, regardless of their level.”
“I could have used a tutor or two or three last year in college,” Neal laughed.
“I have big plans for your kids. I want you to turn them into math super stars.”
“Huh?”
“Super start tutors. I want you to train them to teach other kids.”
“So why are we spending our time getting way ahead of everyone else?”
“In case you haven’t noticed, these four have big ambitions. Each of them has asked me if I thought they could go to college someday.”
“Wow. That’s cool.”
“It sure is. Nobody in their families has done that.”
“It’s rather ironic. I’m getting four kids psyched about going to college,” Neal said. “When I totally messed it up for myself.”
“So what do think about that?”
“I guess I’m a little jealous.”
“About what?”
“These kids have the drive to go on in school and I didn’t.”
“Do you have the drive to help them succeed?”
“Sure I do,” Neal answered without pause.
“You told me this is the hardest you’ve ever worked.”
“Yeah. It is. And the most I’ve studied in a long time.”
“Do you think you can stay ahead of these four students?”
“Is that a challenge?”
“Actually, it is a wish.”
“Not a problem. I’m in full gamer mode; er … math mode that is.”
The A Team
The ‘A’ Team, as Neal liked to call them, continued to make rapid progress, as did he. Every night he was linking to Khanacademy.org to prep for his tutoring. By October, they were well into Algebra II material. Even though Neal had taken Algebra II in high school, he felt like he was learning it for the first time. He had long since realized that the ability to teach math to someone else was the true test of understanding. These kids were eager learners and took pride in the fact that they were working beyond grade level. Neal took great satisfaction in helping these kids who had always gotten less than they deserved. And they all took great pleasure in mapping their progress like a winning team waving good-bye to their competition.
When Neal was their age, he coasted through school doing just enough to avoid disappointing anyone. The ambition he saw in these kids was nothing he had ever experienced … until now. What he discovered was a powerful ambition of his own to help these kids succeed. He felt it was unfair that these kids had been deprived access to teachers like Mrs. N. He was psyched that these four wanted to get to college and he was going to help them. Learning the math well enough to help them was just part of that mission. This began to feel like he had a sense of purpose … of launching these kids.
One day Bradley presented Neal and the four A Team members matching T-shirts, with a bold ‘A’ emblazoned on the front, reminiscent of Super Man’s ‘S’. As the tutoring program swung into action, it became standard issue to wear the big ‘A’ while serving as a tutor. With Neal and the four tutors, there was significantly more help available for Bradley’s students. But not nearly enough.
“You should go into coaching Neal. If I didn’t know better, I’d think your ‘A’ Teamers were star athletes.”
“Yeah. They have a little swagger going, don’t they?”
“I’ll say. But it’s a well deserved swagger,” said Bradley.
“Yeah. And the other kids really look up to them.”
“It’s nice to see kids getting that kind of respect for academic achievement.”
“They like their celebrity, but I noticed they’re feeling really guilty when they need to be somewhere instead of tutoring.”
“Yeah. Your tutoring program is working too well.”
“Huh?”
“That was meant to be a compliment.”
“What are we going to do about all the kids who need extra tutoring?”
“Funny you should ask,” Bradley said.
“Oh, oh. What project do you have for me now?”
“I was sitting around the dojo last night watching these middle school kids serving as instructors.”
“Dojo? So you are into … Of course, I should have known … you broke up that fight with Damien and Luther like they were little kids.”
“I try not to make a big deal of it.”
“But you are some kind of black belt, I’ll bet?” asked Neal, admiringly.
“Something like that. Anyway, at the dojo, as you rise in rank you are expected to serve as an instructor for those of lesser rank.”
“I know where you are headed with this.”
“Ok. You tell me.”
“You want me to train more kids to be tutors.”
“Yeah. What do you think?”
“Like a ‘B’ Team?”
“You may need to find a better name than ‘Above Average Team’.”
“Yeah.”
“In martial arts, ranks are often designated with different colored belts.”
“Yeah. The same in the gaming world. I have a platinum level rank.”
“So you are a black belt gamer?”
“I guess you could say that,” Neal laughed at the connection Bradley had made between their respective passions. “Only, nobody really cares, outside the gamer world … and maybe Korea.”
“Ha. So you would be a celebrity in Korea?”
“Hardly. I get my butt kicked when I play those guys.”
“Maybe we can take some ideas from martial arts and gaming to help us develop a larger group of tutors,” Bradley suggested.
“Well, I’m all for that. Tutoring is a great way to learn math even better.”
“I agree.”
“So training kids to tutor other kids would be cool way to help both the tutors and the kids being tutored,” said Neal, obviously excited about the possibilities.
“Yeah. I think it would be a real win-win. Only problem as far as I can see is, it would be a ton of work for you to get set up,” Bradley said.
“Me?” asked Neal, realizing he had just walked into another Bradley bear trap.
“Why, should I ask someone else?”
“No! I’ll do it. But you are right. This will take a lot of work. It’s not like I can go home and program in my bedroom.”
“You taught the ‘A’ Team how to tutor. Now you need to teach them how to train tutors.”
“Yeah, of course. Why didn’t I think of that?” Neal said.
“See one. Do one. Teach one. Train one.”
“Huh?”
“My dad teaches medical residents. It’s kind of a variation on something I’ve heard him say,” explained Bradley.
Now that passion and purpose have kicked in, we see a highly motivated Neal. The throttle is wide open now that the (I can) and the (I want) are aligned (and reside within him). Almost sounds like Neal has discovered the FORCE, ala Star Wars. But if you remember, becoming a Jedi took significant discipline and training. Yoda recognized Luke’s potential, and held him to high expectations just like Bradley seems to be doing with Neal. Once the passion and purpose are available, then the child is ready to stay engaged with the hard work of mastery.
“There is no shortage of kids who want to tutor. And they all want ‘A’ Team T-shirts, too,” Neal said.
“Ha.”
“So, at the dojo, it is clear what someone can teach, because they have certain colored belts, right?”
“Yep.”
“So, we need something like that for our tutors, because I’ve got kids wanting to tutor who are two grade levels behind in math.”
“Are you going to let them become tutors?” asked Bradley, already knowing the answer.
“Heck yes. Every team needs a Rudy or two.”
“Ha. So what is your plan?” asked Bradley, pleased that Neal was quickly taking ownership of this plan.
“What if we have something like the colored belts, but it corresponds to the level of math they have mastered?”
“Like white belt for long division? Green belt for factoring?”
“Sort of. You are the teacher. You tell me where the division lines should be. Excuse the pun.”
“Oooh. A little push back? Ok. I’ll design a hierarchy of mastery, based on mathematical concepts. And you develop a visual way of displaying the rank … without breaking the bank.”
“Deal,” Neal agreed.
“You know Neal. This really taps into the Magic Formula for Motivation.”
“What’s that?”
“Here, I’ll write it on the board: Motivation = (I can) x (I want).”
“Ha. Totally. I’ve seen how motivating the rank system can be in video gaming. I’ll bet it works for this too.”
“And it seems to have work wonders with you, too, hasn’t it?”
“Yeah. I finally have a reason to want, I guess you can say.”
“I should say so. I’ll bet your parents are proud,” Bradley observed.
“My dad gets a kick out hearing about the job. He says it sounds more like play than work.”
“As it should be. You always want to find work that is satisfying and enjoyable.”
“Now. About that raise.”
“I’ve got to go.”
“Seriously?”
“I wrote a proposal to get you some more money. You are worth every penny I can scrape up. I’ll keep trying.”
“You realize that I become a free agent this year?”
“Yeah. You’ve mentioned that. Do I get a compensation draft pick if you leave?”
“My dad says, “Theo Epstein pays top dollar for top talent.”
“Hey, I’m trying. I’m trying.”
This funny exchange is half in jest, whole in earnest. Bradley is as proud of launching Neal as he is of helping his students get a stake in the educational sweepstakes. And he knows that part of that launching process involves stirring up ambition, which ultimately leads to a desire for more than he can offer them. The ambition that was so lacking in Neal earlier in the book is now growing, even to the point that Neal has a little swagger of his own. Once he found passion and purpose, Neal ceased coasting and started accelerating … and growing.
Purpose
“So, bring me up to date on your work with Bradley,” Neal’s dad said when they were enjoying a Saturday outing to a coffeehouse.
“How much time do you have, Dad?”
“Well, if you buy me coffee and one of those forbidden items behind the glass over there, you own me.”
“Cool. I like being able to treat you.”
“And I like being treated. So what have you and Bradley been up to? You’ve been putting in a lot of extra hours at the school.”
“Remember how I told you there were too many kids in need of tutoring and not enough tutors?’
“Yeah. I remember how frustrated you were.”
“Well, Bradley and I have invented a solution to that problem.”
“Oh? Aside from cloning I didn’t think there was such a thing? So what did you come up with?”
“Well, we realized there were too many kids and too few teachers, so we decided to make some of the kids into teachers.”
“Oh?”
“Remember when I told you how I was relearning math in a better way because I was tutoring? Well, when I was telling that to Bradley, he said, ‘Too bad all kids can’t learn it that way.’ And then, we both sort of looked at each other and said, ‘We’ll just teach them all how to tutor.’ And …”
“You mean, you are turning all your students into tutors?”
“Well, not all of them. But those that want to.”
“And why would they want to?”
“It gives them ‘PURPOSE’ Dad. And pride.”
“Seriously?”
“Well, it should. But for now, we are making it into an elite club that you have to earn the right to be a part of.”
“A club?”
“We are calling it the Tutoring Academy. Kids have to apply to get in. Then they have to master a certain level of math competence and demonstrate their ability to teach those skills.”
“Sort of like earning a brown belt in martial arts?”
“Funny you should say that. Bradley is a black belt in Tai Chi. He thought it could be cool to make the Tutoring Academy have mastery levels just like a Martial Arts Academy.”
“Fascinating.”
“Yeah, so my idea was to give the kids uniforms that had insignias, just like martial arts.”
“Are they going to wear those white pants and robes?”
“Actually, my idea was to give them a vest to wear.”
“Just like the people who work at Lowe’s and Home Depot.”
“Yeah, but with the school colors.”
“Cool.”
“So, when a kid masters a level, like 6th grade, he or she gets a big ‘6’ badge to add to their vest. Then everyone knows they are available to tutor at that level.”
“What do the kids think of the vests and badges?”
“Well, we have only tried it out on one kid and she thought it was pretty special.”
“I like the idea. It’s kind of like a special Honor’s Society that kids get to be a part of if they work hard.”
“Yeah. We thought that if we make a big deal out of what an honor it is, kids would want to be a part of it.”
“Can I give you a bit of advice?”
“Sure.”
“Find a kid who is popular or a leader and make them one of your first members. They can serve as good ambassadors for the Academy.”
“Good idea. Yeah. We don’t want kids to think it is just a group of nerds or teacher’s pets.”
“So how do you train them?”
“Bradley and I have been writing up a set of criteria for two of the grades, ‘5’ and ‘6’. They have to be able to do the problems at that level and then they have to be able to explain how to do them.”
“Sounds like a lot of work for you guys.”
“It is to start with. But we figure each kid we launch, they will be able to help other kids.”
“I have another suggestion. Are you better off labeling the levels with numbers or should you use something less obvious, like colors?”
“That’s a good thing to consider, Dad. I mentioned that to Bradley and he said, ‘Kids need to know what level they are.’ It sounded a little harsh, but we’ll see. He’s pretty good about changing things when they don’t work.”
“I’m glad to hear that. Not everybody is flexible like that.”
“Bradley is pretty cool. He always says, ‘Fail early and fail often.’ He says he learns a lot when something fails.
“I’m liking this guy more everyday.”
“I knew you would. He’s a good example for me. He’s not afraid to try stuff and fail.”
“Instead of avoiding?”
“Yeah. Instead of avoiding. I think I did too much avoiding when I was in school.”
“It’s interesting that you are back in school, but in a different role.”
“Yeah, and I’m learning a lot of math too. I have to stay ahead of the fastest kid so I can tutor.”
“Ha. I love it.”
“Why?”
“Well. Remember what I said about finding a sense of purpose?”
“Yeah. Now I know what you meant. These kids need a better education … and so do I.”
“I’m just going to keep my mouth shut, because you seem to be figuring things out just fine.”
Though David was steering Neal toward passion and purpose, as a parent, he couldn’t just give Neal a goal and expect results. But David could be constantly mindful of that need and support moves in that direction. And in Neal’s case, call attention to the absence of effort, when Neal was coasting and avoiding.
A good therapist and an effective parent recognize potential and can envision a better future, even when the kid does not. They recognize that necessary developmental goals can be accomplished in many different ways in many different settings. They are also able to notice when necessary developmental goals are being neglected. Neal did not need Tiger Paws pushing him down a particular path, like college, but he did need gentle nudges when he got off whatever path he was currently pursuing, whether it was Jimmy John’s or Tutoring.
In his work with Bradley, Neal was being creative, had a vision, and was taking initiative, all of which were lacking during his months in college. In the example below, we see how his father is willing to support such efforts, even financially. And why not? He’s getting a far better return on his money than he did when he was paying for college!
“Hey Dad. How would you like to make a transformative investment?”
“You mean, part with some of my money?”
“Yeah, but for a great return.”
“I usually assume that the greater the hype, the greater the risk.”
“Oh, don’t worry Dad. You won’t get your money back.”
“But …”
“But you will be richly rewarded.”
“That’s what I was afraid of. Okay, let’s hear the pitch.”
“The pitch is simple. I need $500 to buy vests and patches for the tutors.”
“Doesn’t your school teach home economics?”
“Huh?”
“Never mind. Isn’t this something to put out on the Donor’s Choose website?”
“Maybe, but we are only allowed to ask for so much, so often, and we don’t want to wear out our welcome.”
“So, I am the welcome alternative?”
“What do you think?”
“Hmmmm. How about this? I’ll match whatever the kids raise, dollar-for-dollar, up to $250.”
“Ok.”
“But that is not matching another donation, like $250 from Mom. I’ll match money the kids earn, themselves.”
“Am I allowed to hit Mom up for soap, buckets and cupcake tins?”
“Use your own good judgment.”
“She already said ‘Yes’.”
“Always the last to know, aren’t I?”
“Don’t feel bad. At least we included you.”
David jokes that he is always the last to know, but that is hardly the case. He’s well aware of the progress Neal is making.
But instead of providing Neal with pop up adds, telling him what he needs for improving his life, David functions more like the operating system running in the background, which periodically asks him what he needs or when an upgrade is overdue. David clearly recognizes how valuable Neal’s relationship with Bradley has been and he willingly supports its continuation, despite the fact that Neal is not earning a living wage. In the bigger developmental picture, Neal’s work with Bradley has been as valuable as any year in college could have provided.
Summer is fast approaching, marking the end of the academic year. Although time seems to have flown by, Neal and Bradley have accomplished a great deal. Their students averaged gains of nearly two grade levels in just one year. Bradley is quick to point out that the tutoring program has made a significant difference for these kids. Neal’s work and the tutoring program in particular have been a real source of pride and satisfaction for him. If we were looking for an example of what passion and purpose can produce, we can just look at Neal’s efforts developing the tutoring program.
“So what are your plans for next year?” asked Bradley .
“Why do you ask?” wondered Neal.
“I just thought you would be ready for something bigger and better next year.”
“Why, are you moving on to something bigger and better?”
“No. I’ve got another year with TFA. And I may stay for a third year. I’ve been talking with the principal about it. She really wants me to stay and we’re making great progress with the math curriculum and bringing kids up to grade level.”
“Yes WE are.”
“So you want to do this another year at what I’ve been paying you?”
“Yes and no. The pay sucks, but I’m totally into helping these kids. I spend half my free time thinking about it. My girlfriend gets sick of listening to me talk about it.”
“Seriously?”
“Actually. When she’s done with college, she wants to try to get into TFA.”
“You’d be good at it too.”
“I still have that college thing in the way.”
“That wouldn’t be a problem. I’ve seen how hard you work and what you’re capable of.”
“Yeah. Eventually. Maybe. But for now, I’ve got something that I’m more excited about.”
“What’s that?”
“Well. Our tutoring program is working great. We’ve got kids wanting to be a part of it.”
“And?”
“I’ve been thinking that I could become a consultant to schools who want to set up a math tutoring program like ours.”
“Ah. So you want to get rich off our work?”
“I don’t know if I’d get rich, but I really want to get kids excited about math and help them achieve. It still pisses me off that so many kids are so far behind.”
“I think that’s a great idea. Are your parents okay with you delaying college and only earning what you have been?”
“My parents have totally backed off on the college thing. Besides, they think you walk on water and they’ll let me follow you anywhere.”
“Hmmm. I don’t know if I like the sound of that.”
“You only have to worry if they try to fix you up with my cousin, Janet.”
“Why, is Janet hot?”
“She’s my cousin. I know her too well to think of her as hot. But yeah, … hey, you’ve got a great girlfriend.”
“I know. Amy is talking about doing a third year of TFA too.”
“Great. So what do you think of my idea?”
“I like it. You know where I suggest you start? I’d start with helping other TFA teachers launch similar programs.”
“Do you think they’d be interested?”
“Absolutely. I already have core members asking me about our program.”
“Cool. I know there’s big bucks to be made in TFA.”
“Ha! Yeah. That’s a problem. But you can build a program and get publicity, if you work it right. TFA has a pretty good network.”
“Cool.”
“Have you been keeping notes about all the steps involved?”
“Yeah. I started kind of late with it, but I figure I can develop some kind of a handbook this year, because we have to start over with a bunch of new kids.”
“Yeah, we do. Our four super stars graduated. I’m preaching to the choir, but I wish kids didn’t move so much.”
“Yeah, can’t we do something about that?”
“I wish. The best thing I can think of is make the school so good, parents will do what it takes to keep their kids in it.”
“Don’t tell anyone, but I think Bernard figured out his own way to make it happen. He said he is going to use his aunt’s address so he can stay in our school.”
“I never heard that.”
“Sorry. Do you have a duty to report that?”
“No, but I might ask if he has enough money for the bus.”
“Got that covered. My dad bought him a bus pass, but the deal is Bernard has to give my dad two hours of work every month. It’s probably going to be digging in the garden. I think Bernard may decide he made a deal with the devil.”
“That was nice of your dad. He’s been very generous with our kids.”
“Yeah. He claims he doesn’t believe in giving hand outs, but …”
“He believes in giving a hand up?”
“Yeah. For sure.”
“Once you get started on the tutoring manual, let me see it. I’ll be happy to add my input,” said Bradley.
“Cool. Thanks.”
Neal was passionate about developing a way to help other teachers implement a tutoring program similar to theirs. But sometimes passion (I want) is not enough if there is trouble on the (I can) end of things. Fortunately for Neal, Bradley has been paying attention.
“How’s that tutoring manual coming?” Bradley asked.
“I can’t seem to get started,” Neal said.
“How come?”
“I don’t know. It seemed like a cool idea. I thought it would be easy (to do).”
“Yeah, I know what you mean. Lot’s of my big ideas sound better in my head than on paper.”
“What do you mean?”
“Well, when you write stuff down, all the errors and omissions are there to be noticed. While it’s still in your head, it has all that great potential,” Bradley explained.
“So what do you do with your big ideas in your head?” Neal asked.
“Well. I finally decided that all great ideas have to start simple. So I put my thoughts down on paper, reminding myself it isn’t going to be perfect or my final product.”
“Then what?”
“Well, then I have something to work with. After I make enough notes, I try to fit them into an outline.”
“Outlines? I hate those.”
“Well, when I put things in an outline, that’s when my omissions and unclear thinking show up.”
“And that is a good thing?” Neal wondered.
“Actually, it is if I really want the project to move ahead. It’s kind of like taking one of our math tests to see what I still don’t know.”
“Ha. I never thought of it that way.”
“So, once I’ve started an outline, I usually have an idea of what I still need to figure out or rethink.”
“So you are suggesting I do this with the tutoring project?”
“Yeah. Just jot down all the ideas you think need to be included in the project and then come talk to me. We’ll go through the list and talk about those ideas. That usually helps you think of more stuff.”
“Cool. I can do that.”
“Then we’ll do the same thing after you make the first version of your outline.”
“You make it sound so easy.”
“It’s not easy, but it is doable. All projects are a grind, one small step at a time.”
“Ugh. Ok. I’ll try it.”
“Just tell yourself, for half an hour, I’m going to write down all my ideas without editing or changing. Just a core dump.”
“Can’t wait to tell everyone that Bradley told me to go take a dump.”
“You’ve been working with middle-schoolers too long.”
Historically, this has been the type of challenge that Neal has avoided. He can get excited about ideas and projects, putting in hours of work. But he really likes seeing success, whether it comes in the form of advancements in the video gaming world or seeing kids learn when he tutors. Preparing the manual has been different. It has some of the same elements that bogged him down in college. Remember how he said he felt unprepared for the course work? Remember how he avoided tasks that made him feel frustrated? Fortunately, Bradley has ‘been there, done that’. He knows that enthusiasm for a good idea does not a project make. In the vignette above, Bradley recognized the level of support Neal needed to stay engaged. In this case, he needed a framework for attacking a complex problem. Bradley told him to get it down on paper so they could see where things stood and what was needed. He also helped Neal define the end goal, but work backwards to the beginning first steps. Passion brought Neal to the project. But sometimes, this kind of support is necessary to keep kids like Neal engaged as they learn to master new processes.
Sound good? Well, as it turns out, that wasn’t quite good enough; at least to start with. Even though most of Neal’s time has been devoted to his work with Bradley, his father has stayed tuned in. The following is one of those moments when his dad’s attunement was critically important.
Upon hearing a noise coming from Neal’s bedroom, his father peeked in, just as the video game on Neal’s screen disappeared.
He asked, “Hey, I thought you had tutoring this morning.”
“I called in sick. I’m not feeling up to it today,” Neal said.
“Oh, what’s going on? Are you contagious?” his father asked.
“I just don’t feel up to going.”
“Is something going on? You haven’t missed a day since you started that job, have you?”
“No, I haven’t. So I think I can skip one day.”
“Since you don’t look sick, I’m guessing there is another reason for not going? Care to share?”
“Not really.”
“Then can I talk to the air a little bit?”
“Sure. Have at it.”
“Well, this just seems like a big shift in how enthusiastic you have been about this job. So it makes me think that there is something going on or there is something you would prefer to avoid.”
“I told Bradley I’d have this outline to show him and I haven’t even started it.”
“You mean for the tutoring manual you were telling me about?”
“Yeah. Seems I can talk about that project, but when it comes to producing something, I’m just stuck.”
“Anything I can do to help?”
“No, not really.”
“So why are you staying home?”
“I feel bad I don’t have anything to show him and it’s embarrassing.”
“Neal, I don’t want to be mean, but this sounds like you are trying to avoid facing something that makes you feel bad.”
“Yeah. But if I get something done to show him tomorrow, I’ll feel a lot better.”
“You mean if you stay home and play video games, you will not feel so bad today?”
“Yeah. That too.”
“Two things. One, I’ll bet there’s some kids at school who’ll be disappointed you aren’t there. Am I right?”
“Sure. And number two?”
“What’s Bradley going to do? Fire you? Flunk you?”
“No.”
“What would he prefer; you showing up to tutor with no outline or you staying home?”
“As opposed to what I’d prefer?”
“You are voting to avoid feeling bad. I’m guessing you can handle it. Just go tell him you’re stuck.”
“I assured him I could do this.”
“And you will. But it doesn’t hurt to ask for help when you are stuck. He doesn’t need proof of how smart you are. He just wants a dependable assistant.”
“You know, Dad, that shamed-based motivation can be harmful to your child’s development.”
“You would prefer I say, ‘Get off your sorry ass and get to work,’” his dad asked.
“Nah, stick with the shame method. It suits you better.”
“I thought I was being authoritative. And it wasn’t shame based. It was guilt based I’ll have you know.”
“Whatever you were trying to be, I got the message. I’ll go.”
This version of Neal’s father is quick to notice avoidance and address it, before Neal digs himself a deeper hole and really does begin to feel ashamed. David is good at asking Neal what is going on and helping his son keep challenges conscious and analyzed. Neal, like so many kids his age, can act in the moment to avoid something that feels intolerable, while failing to consider all the consequences. David asked him to identify what he was afraid of and then whether he could tolerate it, as in asking, ‘what’s he going to do, fire you”. Neal’s passion was overridden by his need to avoid bad feelings, like frustration and feeling inadequate. Left alone, loss aversion always trumps potential for gain. Although they joked about ‘guilt’, what David was really doing was reminding Neal about the sense of purpose that he was finding in his tutoring work.
“I thought you weren’t coming in today,” Bradley said as Neal popped through the door.
“Yeah. Well I had a miraculous recovery, thanks to my dad’s special tonic,” Neal answered with a sheepish grin.
“Cool. I’m glad you came. I heard some grumblings coming from the tutoring area. Why don’t you go see what’s up over there.”
“Truth is, Bradley. I was staying home because I hadn’t done anything with the tutoring outline. I felt bad about it.”
“No worries. I’ll help you with it as soon as school lets out.”
So much for Neal’s worry about disappointing Bradley. Between his father and Bradley, we can only hope that Neal is learning that the feared outcomes are of his own making. Passion and creativity have a much better chance of surviving in a nonjudgmental environment. Bradley has done a very nice job of being a charismatic adult in Neal’s life – believing in his potential, tuned into his interests and abilities, and providing the encouragement to stay engaged with developing those potentials.
“So how can I help?”
“I feel like I have writer’s block or something. I can’t seem to get started.”
“Yeah. It’s probably your perfectionism messing things up. I remember getting stuck like that.”
“So what did you do?”
“I’ll show you. Let’s start with me taking notes. We’ll just throw out ideas of what needs to be included in the (tutoring) manual.”
“Like a brainstorming session?”
“Exactly,” said Bradley.
With notebook in hand and occasional Socratic questions to keep the flow going, Bradley is able to coax many more ideas than Neal would have guessed existed to date.
“This is great. We’ve got two full pages of ideas here.”
“Yeah. Talking is easier than writing.”
“Well. You have all the information. It’s either in your head or someplace you can look to recall it. Plus there’s some ideas we’ll just have to work on to make them fit the way we want them.”
“So now what?”
“Well, we need to organize these ideas into an outline.”
“Ok.”
“Why don’t you take a first crack at it and then show it to me … regardless of what form it is in. Remember, if you get stuck, ‘No worries’. We’ll just find a way to get unstuck.”
“Ok. I can do that.”
David blocked the exits (into avoidance) and Bradley provided the ‘no worries’ safety. Together they assured Neal stayed engaged instead of coasting like he did in Part 1. Passion and purpose are critically important for a kid like Neal, but someone had to keep him in the garden and someone needed to remind him to water the plants and hoe the weeds.
“Remember how you said doing an outline highlighted all the stuff that wasn’t done or figured out? Well, there’s a ton of things I haven’t figured out. I obviously didn’t appreciate how hard this would be when I said I could do it.”
“Show me what you have and we’ll go from there,” Bradley encouraged.
“That’s just it. I don’t have anything new to show you. I’m not seeing a logical way to organize this stuff.”
“I’m going to buy you a T-shirt that says, ‘No worries’ and make you wear it everyday until you lighten up a little,” Bradley laughed.
“Regardless of the smell?”
“Ha. The smell will motivate you to get moving.”
“This is really frustrating.”
Bradley opened the notebook and looked at the notes from their brainstorming session.
“It looks like we have several big areas to refine; like who needs to be tutored, who will tutor them, and how tutors will be trained. Can you think of any other big area?” Bradley asked.
“I guess, what they will need to learn. Like what is the math they need to learn.”
“Ah. Good addition. I’m going to call that, tutoring content. What else.”
“Maybe something to do with motivating kids. Why will kids want to tutor and what’s in it for them.”
“That’s good. Can we put that in the same category with tutor training? Or does it need its own category?”
“Let’s make it a category and we can always change it later.”
“Ah. Sounds like a good plan. So let’s go through our list of ideas and see if they all fit into these categories.”
“And if they don’t?” asked Neal.
“Well, then maybe we need to add a new category.”
Bradley recognized that Neal could feel overwhelmed, when tasks resembled ‘school work’. In the zone of proximal development sense, Bradley just picks up with Neal where he is and provides the scaffolding to move ahead. In this case, Bradley looked at the list of ideas and could pick out some core themes that would be necessary for organizing ideas in an outline. After he demonstrated that, Neal was quickly able to chime in with additional themes. Bradley knows from experience that this is just a skill that develops with practice. So he is willing to show Neal until he can do it more independently. His support helps Neal manage his anxiety. Once he is able to engage, Neal finds that challenges are far more manageable than he feared.
Slowly but surely, Neal and Bradley put together a tutoring manual. Neal began to appreciate the regular meetings with Bradley to help focus and define his work. At the end of each session, he usually had a clear idea of what he needed to work on next. He also became much more comfortable coming to Bradley when he was stuck, instead of coasting, hiding and avoiding like when we found him in Part I, floundering in his first semester of college.
Neal is a nice, personable kid. He was easy to like, but also easy to overlook. In Part I, his parents failed to recognize the coasting until it crashed into their front door in the opening scene. Even then they didn’t quite know what to do with him. There are many kids like Neal, who are smart and likeable, but just coasting. Some spend their lives coasting, never really challenging themselves, but never being called out on it. Others hit a wall like Neal did, but take another decade in and out of mom and dad’s home before they grab on to something, anything. Fortunately for this version of Neal, he had a father who was tuned in and encouraged him to stay engaged with the process of finding what gave him passion and purpose. Unlike D.J. who already was passionate about robots and computers, Neal really wasn’t passionate about anything but friends and video games. With his dad’s support and suggestions about how to search, Neal found a setting and a person who helped him discover both passion and purpose. For Neal, Bradley was a charismatic adult who inspired engagement and nurtured growth.
Speaking of D.J. Do you think anything we discovered in Neal’s search for passion and purpose applies to him? D.J. has passion, but he lacks purpose. And he also lacks Neal comfort with people. Let’s see what worked for him.