Raise Your Parenting AQ – Chapter 9
“It’s Never Too Late To Start Climbing”
Friends and safety usually trump ambition.
“The Fake Flop”
Half way across the traversing wall his handhold gave out and over he went. Quite the graceful tumble for a man Greg’s age. And then the foam pit seemed to shout a muffled “damn it” for being rudely awoken before the possessor of those sentiments popped his head above the surface and became visible to Jamie’s friends.
“Did you see that dude fall? Now that’s the way to do it. Lot’s of lurching, lots of yelling,” shouts one of the Tumble Inn kids in approval.
“I’m not sure he fell,” observes Jamie as he recognizes Mr. G. emerging from the foam pit.
With his friends heading for their cars,
“Jamie, you coming?”
“Nah, I’m going to hang out here awhile.”
“Whatever. We’ll be at Paulie’s. Give me a call.”
“Sure.”
With his friends on their way, Jamie sat himself down at the snack bar table across from the guy who took the swan dive into the foam pit.
“Remember me, Mr. G.?”
“Sure I do, Jamie. You look the same. Only you’re a foot taller and have more hair.”
“Yeah, it’s been awhile.”
“But no baseball, no climbing?”
“Nah.”
“How come? You were always a natural. You were our star pitcher.”
“That was Little League Mr. G. If I was your star pitcher, why did you bench me?”
“Old wound still throbs?” laughs Greg.
“I got over it,” smiles Jamie.
“You were also quite a climber when this gym first opened,” Greg recalls.
“Yeah, that was fun,” agrees Jamie.
“How come you quit competing?” Greg wonders.
“I don’t know. It just wasn’t fun anymore and my friends aren’t into it,” Jamie explains without really thinking about the question or his answer very carefully.
“But you had a bunch of friends that enjoyed climbing when you were in grade school,” recalls Greg.
“Climbing was great when we just did it for fun. When everyone started getting into competing, it just wasn’t fun anymore,” explains Jamie.
“But you had so much natural talent. Same for baseball,” Greg reminds him.
“That’s what everyone keeps saying. I just wanted it to be fun. I wasn’t into seeing who could climb the highest or fastest.”
“When you see the club kids climbing, do you ever wish you were doing it too?”
“Sometimes. But all of my friends are more into hanging out. They’re not interested in all that stuff. It takes a lot of time.”
“I’m coaching a grade school club team.”
“Baseball or climbing?”
“My body told it was time to let go of the baseball dream.”
“Even as a coach?”
“If you saw the X-rays of my shoulder, you would understand. I can hardly throw a ball from third to first.”
“So you’re coaching a climbing group? I hope you are not teaching them that pit dive I saw earlier.”
“Oh, you noticed? How was my form?”
“My friends really liked it, but I thought it was a little staged.”
“Well, I didn’t think I could just come over to your group and say, ‘Hi, Jamie, remember me, your old baseball coach? How would you like to leave your friends and come talk to me?”
“No, that wouldn’t have worked. They laughed about your fall for at least an hour. Two of them actually got up on the wall and tried to recreate it, sound effects and all.”
“Learning to fall is the first thing we teach you, right?”
“Yeah, that’s how I got your message.”
“I was hoping you would help me coach the kids, Jamie.”
“Seriously?”
“Yeah. You’d be good at it. It’s three nights-a-week, however.”
“My dad’s been on me to get a job. Wants me to bag groceries or something like that.”
“Well the club offered to pay me to coach, but I told them, ‘no’. But I’m sure that coaching stipend could go to you instead if you were my assistant.”
“That sounds pretty good.”
“Your friends going to be okay with that?”
“If they aren’t, they’re not very good friends, are they?”
“One more thing, Jamie. You can’t show up to work with the kids if you are high or smell like weed.”
“Who me, Mr. G.?
“Yeah, you Mr. J.”
“I can do that.”
Greg has a history with Jamie. When Jamie was much younger and still admired and listened to adults, he had “Mr. G.” for a coach. Even though Jamie is older now, he still has fond memories of being on that team and those memories represent the part of him that knows what he has given up or missed out on. Greg knows that when Jamie takes the time to come over and sit down. Just like Greg has been attuned to the necessary development work of Tim, who is successfully launching into adulthood, Greg knows that there is a part of Jamie that wishes he had stuck with sports and fulfilled his potential. All of this is understood, but does not need to be stated or lectured. Instead, Greg intrigues Jamie with an opportunity to redo some of his development he missed out on, by returning to the last point where he was engaged and successful. He offers him the job of being an assistant coach for kids the same age he was when he was last engaging in sports. Greg trusts that Jamie’s concern about these kids will motivate him to examine the process of mastery and engagement. Even though he did not do it for himself, he can now learn it in order to teach it to kids who need to learn. Greg knows from experience, that being responsible for someone else, such as in the role of a tutor, provides a great opportunity for growth on the part of the tutor.
Greg recalls that Jamie had been labeled ADHD as a kid. School was a struggle for him, but sports always seemed to be the place where he had a chance to shine. Greg wished that he could have remained his coach throughout childhood. He had some real success with Jamie despite his ADHD. For Greg, the baseball coach, the diagnosis of ADHD was replaced by, what does he need to do to be successful at the game of baseball. When Jamie impulsively took a swing at the umpire, Greg sat him down long enough that his desire to play helped him contain his urgent wish to express his anger at future umpires. When Jamie impulsively missed practice because something more enjoyable had tempted him on the way to the field, he sat out the next game – perhaps not dispelling the rationalization that he did not need to practice like the rest of the kids, but certainly recognizing that when Greg was the coach, if you want to play on Saturday, you had better come to practice during the week.
Jamie was easily the most athletically gifted kid on the team. He could hit anything. Frustrated that Jamie had popped out to end the game with the bases loaded, Greg vented to Ann, “That kid has never seen a pitch he didn’t like (or swung at)”. To which Ann said, “Then teach him some discipline, Mr. Hard-Ass-Coach.” The next day at practice, Greg sat the team down at the nearby picnic tables and placed a paper plate in front of each kid and gave each kid a marshmallow. He then said, “Wait right here, I’m going back to the car for the chocolate bars so we can make Smores”. When he returned with the chocolate and graham crackers, four of the kids, including Jamie, had eaten their marshmallow. Greg then proceeded to help the “delayers” build the biggest, gaudiest smore any of them had ever eaten, while the other four looked on. When they had finished eating, he turned to the four boys and asked,” Would you rather eat a marshmallow or wait for a smore?” To which Logan said, “Coach, you got any more marshmallows?”
By the end of the summer, Jamie was waiting for the smore, the fastball right over the plate. Greg heard him at the plate some times, mumbling to himself, “Wait for the smore; Wait for the smore”. Instead of seeing a pitch and impulsively swinging because he knew he could hit it and wanted to hit it, he was now looking for his favorite pitch, resisting the temptation of just grab every marshmallow he saw.
Jamie also threw harder than all the other kids, but as a pitcher, he hit or walked more kids than anyone else.
Greg said to Jamie, “Do you know what the other coach tells his kids when you are pitching?”
“Don’t swing at marshmallows?”
“No, he says don’t swing the bat unless you need to protect yourself.”
“Ouch, Mr. G. That hurts.”
“Most kids want to swing at anything. You don’t even give them the chance to get themselves out.”
“I’m working on a curve ball Mr. G. Maybe I need to show them something besides a fastball.”
“Maybe you need to show them a strike, Jamie. If you can’t throw strikes, I’m going to let Walter pitch.”
“Walter Mischel¹? You can’t be serious! But he is so slow!”
“He throws strikes.”
“What do I have to do?”
“Take this net home. It is the same size as the strike zone. If you can get forty out of fifty pitches in the net, you can pitch.”
“I can do that. I can just soft toss forty pitches into the net.”
“Then show me.”
“So you don’t care how fast I pitch, just so I get forty in the net?”
“For now, that’s all it takes to pitch on Saturday. Forty, not thirty-nine.”
Jamie had a good summer with Coach Greg. Instead of throwing as hard as he could, Jamie learned to think about pitching. He knew that if a batter was eager, like he used to be, he could throw a ball just out of reach and he’d swing at it. He knew that if he threw a wild first pitch, the batter would remember the Old Jamie and he could throw two easy strikes right after that. Just like he thought about the smore instead of the marshmallow when he batted, Jamie began to think about the whole “at-bat” when he pitched, not just how hard he could throw the next pitch. Greg never asked about Jamie’s ADHD diagnosis and Jamie never mentioned it either. They were just focused on learning to play baseball better.
Self-soothing and controlling impulsivity have a wonderful laboratory in the form of batting in baseball. With each pitch, there is an impulse to swing and there is very little time to think, and absolutely no time to contemplate. For a talented, impulsive kid like Jamie, there is no reason not to swing. Plus, his brain and body are all wired to swing, without any conscious thought. If we watched Jamie as an adult, sitting in the sports bar watching baseball on television, we would note that with each fastball, there’s a noticeable twitch in his hips as his body impulsively prepares to swing (two time zones away). Greg taught Jamie how to control that impulse by giving him something else to focus on. By having him look for what he wanted instead of reacting to what he was getting, he had a great deal more self-control. That principle applies to many areas of a child’s life where they must learn to delay gratification, or simply not impulsively “eat the marshmallow” in front of them.
When Greg sees the Tumble Inn kids and contrasts them with the members of the climbing team, he can see the difference between kids who react to what is thrown at them and those who look for the pitch they want to hit. Greg knows that if he can intrigue Jamie with the role of coach for these young climbers, he will provide Jamie with a responsible role that will place his focus on something important instead of living moment-to-moment. Instead of avoiding potential for disappointment or humiliation, he can be motivated to teach and help, which are powerful motivations if he believes these kids are depending upon him.
Having someone solely dependent on us is the ultimate source of motivation. It brings out the best in us. (It also makes us reluctant to relinquish that aspect of our role as parents, even when our children are more in need of support than protection or instruction.) Greg trusts that this responsible role, as coach, will have a powerful pull for Jamie, to act out of concern for others, as he does within the unstated norms at the Tumble Inn, but in the service of achievement and growth, not avoidance and anxious connection. When Jamie realizes that he is the only one who is available to teach a kid how to overcome a certain section of the climb, he will rise to the occasion. If it means he has to ask Greg to teach him or he has to go teach himself first, he will have significant motivation to do that. Although it would be humiliating to have some of these younger climbers pass him in skill, he is now greatly motivated to stay ahead of them and be of help to them. Greg remembers his father recounting the same process in a different setting. His father said, “Yeah, that’s how we handled slackers in boot camp. We just made them squad leaders for the day.”
Greg has offered Jamie the opportunity to work with kids the same age he was when Greg was his baseball coach. Greg had always wished he had more time with Jamie. They made great progress that summer. The offer to help him coach contains a little bit of that wish to work with him s’more.
Although he is being strict with Jamie about the marijuana, he knows that if Jamie is going to limit his avoidant life style, he needs to be adequately motivated and he needs external limits initially. Greg will not tolerate the smoking, but he will stay engaged with Jamie. He may need to send him home when he is high, just like he sat him down when he was kid who took a poke at the umpire, but he will hang in there with him and expect him back for the next session, sober.
Instead of putting Jamie in the position where he is forced to choose between friends and ambition, where ambition would likely lose, Greg finessed that both in the way he made contact with Jamie and the after hours activity he offered him. Greg is attuned to the developmental binds kids that age face and knows he needs to help Jamie move more in the direction of self development in this case without making him feel like he is having to sabotage relationships. Eventually, he trusts that relationships that come of being involved in these new interests will lead to other, healthier relationships, just as they have done for Tim and his friends. Greg, is not only attuned to Tim, but also knows what is lacking in Jamie’s development. He knows from the past what Jamie has been interested in and what he is good at and this contrasts with what he is doing with his life.
Charismatic Adult
We have opportunities to help children manage developmental binds.
Diagnosis or personality does not need to determine outcome.
“Act First, Analyze Later”
There is not always a sensitive adult around to know what is missing and what is needed:
“Where’s Avery and the Tumble Inn crew?” asks Greg.
“Guess you haven’t been around here for awhile, Dad. Avery has a broken jaw and a concussion,” explains Tim.
“Ouch! Did he fall off the wall?”
“No, worse than that. He got jumped in the parking lot.”
“Wow. Do they know who did it?”
“Well there are some rumors going around.”
“Like what?”
“Well, a bunch of the Tumble Inn kids got busted one night in the parking lot right outside the gym. They were partying and the cops came and arrested everyone who was dumb enough or drunk enough to not run away.”
“What was the charge?”
“Charges? Underage drinking. Contributing to the delinquency of a minor. Possession of alcohol. Possession of marijuana. Out of date plates. You name it, they got them for everything.”
“Was Jamie one of them?”
“Yeah. He got it the worst. They claimed he was resisting arrest.”
“Did he?”
“I doubt it. But I don’t doubt he lost it when they arrested him.”
“What do you mean ‘lost it’?”
“You remember what a temper he had when he played on our Little League team?”
“Yeah, but I thought he would outgrow that.”
“I don’t think he ever outgrew it. He just avoided situations that got him that mad,” Tim guesses.
“So what do you think happened?” asks Greg.
“From what I’ve heard, when the officer put him in the squad car, he just melted down and started swearing and pounding on the inside of the car. When the officer tried to physically restrain him, he struggled and cursed the officer.”
“I can guess what happened from there.”
“Yeah. He spent the night in jail. Had to get his dad to bail him out. Lost his license. Is on probation. Has to do community service and go to alcohol counseling. I think he has spent four or five thousand dollars on legal fees already and his father is so angry, he won’t pitch in. All the other parents got lawyers who got them sweet deals. But the district attorney wants to make an example of Jamie.”
“What kind of community service does he have to do?
“I think they have him picking up trash along the road.”
“How’s he doing?”
“I don’t see him much, but I’d guess he’s pretty depressed.”
“How does Avery fit into all this?”
“Some of the Tumble Inn group think Avery is the one who called the cops.”
“What do you think?”
“Avery is an SOB, but I doubt he’d do something like that. There’s a difference between being arrogant and going out of your way to hurt people.”
“Ah, the amateur psychologist.”
“No, just common sense, Dad.”
“So what happened?”
“I think some of the acquaintances of the Tumble Inn girls got wind of what happened and heard someone speculating about who might have called the cops.”
“Do you think the cops were called, or”
“Just knew that was a hangout. The cops aren’t stupid. They know where the partying takes place. But I think some rumors got started and pretty soon somebody took it upon himself to get even. So one night, Avery got jumped in the parking lot. Avery may be a good climber, but he can’t fight, and he certainly can’t talk his way out of something without making things worse.”
“Sounds like reason reigns supreme.”
“What?”
“Sounds like a lot of mistakes were made all around.”
“You can say that again.”
“I did.”
“Oh, I get it. Hey Dad, do you still play basketball with those lawyers Wednesday noon at the Y?”
“Some of them are lawyers. Why?”
“Do you think you could say something to someone about Jamie? He and I haven’t been friends for a long time, but he’s a good kid and he shouldn’t be picking up trash or under the threat of jail time.”
“I don’t know, but I’ll ask around. It does seem like he could be doing something more constructive and rehabilitative than picking up trash.”
“Didn’t you offer him a job coaching last year?”
“Yeah, but he never followed through.”
“Maybe the judge can help him follow through this time.”
“That’s a good idea, Tim. I think you have the makings of a …”
“Guy who specializes in making problems go away.”
“No Marines? No mountain climbing?”
“Climbing mountains and keeping the world safe come in many different forms.”
“True.”
“Ooh RAH”
It is unfortunate that Jamie did not take Mr. G. up on his offer to help coach. He might have found something that gave him a sense of pride and satisfaction. It is also less likely that Jamie would have been partying in the gym parking lot if he had assumed a responsible role of coach to young climbers at the gym. It sounds like Jamie manages his emotions through avoidance rather than learning to tolerate them, control them or put them to good use. If he just avoids situations that make him angry and tries to deny that he gets angry, when something big like this happens, he has little capacity to soothe himself and deal with people calmly.
It also sounds like the police and the district attorney took his tantrum to mean that he was being oppositional and defiant. Once he was in the locked squad car, he could have been left to vent his frustration. There was no need to physically restrain him. In this case, issues of respect and dominance on the part of the police officer probably came into play. An adult like Mr. G. would know better than to take the anger personally and would know to let Jamie wind down before talking to him. Trying to physically subdue Jamie while he was angry likely made things worse.
Finally, the community service option can be a good one, but instead of just punishing Jamie, the court could take the opportunity to do some useful treatment. Punishment usually leads to resentment, keeping the process an external one (done to him) and less one of rehabilitation. Putting Jamie in a role where he is doing something productive and satisfying, something he would not have willingly done for himself or willingly stayed engaged with, is a useful means of redirecting him and helping find sources of satisfaction. Directing Jamie to an activity where he has contact with a responsible adult who has something to teach him is also a valuable intervention. Having Jamie mandated to coach the kids for his community service would have been a creative and wise intervention on the part of the judge.
Tim is worried about Jamie and it appears that there was some over reaction at the time of the arrest. But this community has a history of the district attorneys, judges, and mental health community working together effectively to turn incidents like these into workable moments, where they finally have the full attention of the kids and their parents and some serious changes can occur. For kids who do not have parents with the capacity to make changes, the court has been creative in finding responsible adults to become more involved in the lives of these kids.
As for Avery? He was likely the victim of his social isolation and interpersonal ineptness. Assumptions were made about him and acted upon because there was no person or mechanism to challenge them. Although Avery’s arrogance is likely defensive, others can see it as hostile and intended to hurt. In a setting where people feel better about themselves by virtue of someone being beneath them, then someone like Avery would cause conflict without even intending to do so. Instead of being able to hear the story about the police arresting people and feeling bad for them, these guys probably got angry when they heard the story and felt some need to act or fix things. Or, they may have thought that pounding on Avery would make them look better in the eyes of the girls arrested. Whatever the reason, no one seems to have done any thorough investigation of Avery. Sometimes a mob simply needs to find a victim, regardless of the victim’s guilt or innocence.
Avery is likely to feel even more estranged from his peers after this experience. It may be very hard on him if he cannot go to the gym and do what makes him feel special, nor does he seem to have anyone he can turn to for comfort and solace.
It is too bad that Avery did not have parents like Ann and Greg to help him achieve a little more balance in his life between achievement and creating friendships. Their son, Seth, could potentially have turned out like Avery. Seth has always been very focused on projects and would often opt to stay indoors all weekend and continue working on some model he was building or reading some science fiction book he couldn’t drag himself away from. They honored his interests, yet made sure he engaged others around those interests. It was not that he did not like being with others. Rather, he was quite sensitive, and too many changes bothered him and he could feel let down when friends did not follow through as promised. Seth did not need a lot of friends, just a couple of good ones.
Struggling with internal conflict promotes growth. Allowing processes to remain external stunts growth.
Punishment, in the absence of a process that encourages taking ownership of responsibility, just builds resentment and future attempts to avoid external controls. Effective consequences promote reflection and incentive for self-control.
It is easy to simply react to a child’s behavior with a response that changes the behavior and consider it done. Often that is the result of a parent’s wish to be free of the upsetting emotion that has been evoked.
Children often act to rid themselves immediately of uncomfortable feelings.
People tend toward the simplest explanation and attach causal reasons after the fact. Good analysis prevents false assumptions and foolish acts.
We wish for our children to analyze before they act. We teach that by demonstrating that ourselves.
Tim is good with people and good at solving problems. But those qualities are not innate; they are learned. A healthy outcome for a child is to become a person who knows how others feel and cares. He knows how to make satisfying relationships and how to maintain them. Despite what he learned at home about how to treat others, Tim still needed some guidance at critical times as this next example demonstrates from when he was a nine-year-old third grader, wanting to be popular and fit in at school. This is a bedtime discussion that came at a critical time for Tim in terms of evaluating his behavior and taking the feelings of others into consideration:
“My Son Is A Bully”
If Greg had not had a bedtime conversation with Tim one night, he might not have realized that his nine-year-old son had the makings of a bully. It seems that the “popular” kids at his school got together and developed a list of who was cool and who was not. The list, running all the way from one to one hundred, with one being the most desirable, had him ranking number seven. Not a bad score for the rest of us, but quite painful in Tim’s eyes. Instead of figuring out the basis for the ranking or why he was further down the list, he reported that today he had tripped Jake, the dorky kid who was easily the last on the list.
“Why did you trip Jake?” asked Greg.
“At least I know I am better than Jake.”
“Why didn’t you trip someone from one to six on the list?”
“That wouldn’t be cool.”
“So tell me again why you tripped Jake?”
“It was funny.”
“How would that make Jake feel?”
“I don’t care, he’s a dork,” explained Tim.
“Tim, how does it feel being so far down the list of cool kids?”
“Sad.”
“I can tell. It hurt your feelings.”
“Yeah”
“So when you tripped Jake, how did it make you feel?”
“It was funny.”
“Do you know why kids make lists like that?”
“No.”
“They do it so that they can feel better about themselves. If there is someone below them, they feel like they are better.”
“Yeah.”
“So when you tripped Jake, did you feel better about yourself.”
“No, I just quit feeling bad about myself.”
“Wow, you understand this stuff better than I do.”
“Of course, Dad. I go to school there everyday, you know.”
“Let me ask you this. How would you feel if I tripped you?”
“Hurt.”
“Would you be sad?”
“No, I’d be mad.”
“Yeah, I guess you would.”
“How do you think Jake feels when you trip him?”
“He doesn’t have any friends. He just walks around on the playground talking to himself.”
“But he still has feelings.”
“I know.”
“I know you’re a nice kid and you don’t go around hurting people, right?”
“But everybody picks on Jake.”
“I know you care about other people’s feelings and won’t bully kids like Jake.”
“I’m not a bully.”
“I know you are not. But what you did to Jake today was bullying.”
“I’m sorry.”
“I know you are.”
Tim is not a bad kid or a mean kid. But in this situation, he let his concerns about fitting in and feeling adequate get in the way of doing some important consideration of what he was doing, why he was acting that way, and how his feelings were a big part of the process. Kids that age take events like this as something here-and-now. They often respond to it immediately without any insight as to why they did what they did and certainly little consideration of future consequences or other people’s feelings. Greg realizes that when one of his kids engages in screwy behavior, there is usually a reason behind it and it is important to figure out what that reason is before taking some action like punishment. In fact, in this family punishment is often replaced with a careful analysis of why things were done and what the consequences were.
Tim does not need to be punished in this situation, because he recognizes what he has done. Instead of an external solution, such as punishment, Greg has made this an internal process for Tim. He now knows better how he felt and why he felt that way. He better understands the issue that led to feeling hurt and angry. He also has some more insight into how others feel. Greg helped make Jake a real person for Tim, so he could begin to have some empathy for him. Kids that age are good at compartmentalizing their worlds. Jake as a person with feelings was not a compartment that Tim bothered to open in the midst of feeling bad and wanting quick relief.
Ann and Greg understand that behavior is often in the service of relieving intolerable emotions and these need to be understood if the urge to act is to be understood. They also know that emotions arise from important issues and that failing to understand the issues results in misguided behavior on the part of parents and a failure to grow and learn on the part of kids. Greg realizes that fitting in and feeling adequate are important issues for kids, especially as they approach adolescence. He was able to quickly see what had caused this unusual behavior in Tim. Through his questioning, he was able to help Tim begin to make these connections as well. Finally, Greg knows that Tim is still at an age where he does not want to disappoint his dad. So merely having the discussion of bullying is punishment enough.
Sometimes our children make assumptions that we need to challenge. Being curious and asking questions for clarification gets our children to hear themselves articulate assumptions and attempt to explain them. It also gets them to make clear peer norms. Sometimes these are explicit, sometimes they are perceived. The simple process of genuine curiosity provides a useful “challenge”, because our children rarely reflect upon peers, norms or beliefs. In the discussion above, the perceived threat of the Cool List took on different meaning for Tim as a result of Greg’s questioning.
Greg has Tim involved in a contemplative process that elicits appropriate guilt. Empathizing with Jake and feeling his father’s disappointment in him are important components in the development of moral integrity.
Make external processes internal.
Help children integrate the various compartments of their lives.
Help them take the perspective of others.
“More Than Just The Cool List”
A week later, Greg checked in with Tim about the “Cool List”. Tim quickly assured him that he had not bullied Jake.
“Are the kids still talking about the List?” asked Greg.
“What do you think?” responded Tim, obviously still unhappy with the situation.
Tim was still bothered by the list, but felt helpless to do anything about it, in other words, to engage his peers about the list. Greg knew the problem had not gone away simply by virtue of one discussion. He also recognized that situations like this just didn’t go away on their own. Tim told him, of the six boys above him on the list, two were not nearly as cool as he was. He could easily beat up four or five of the guys above him, as well, which seemed to give him some quiet comfort. Greg was monitoring Tim’s ability to engage in a process of doing something about how this made him feel and if he wasn’t, help him get engaged if it was really bothering him.
When Greg asked him where the list came from, Tim told him, “It was created by Jeremy.” When Greg probed further, his suspicion was confirmed: Jeremy was indeed at the top of the “cool list”. Tim said he couldn’t do anything about it, because if he did, he would drop way down on the list. He wasn’t quite sure what he could do to get higher on the list, but it was clear that making a stink about it would send him lower. Here were a bunch of nine-year olds, acting like middle school kids, five years ahead of schedule. Tim did not feel secure enough to challenge the list, nor was he secure enough to ignore it. The only thing he had power over was distancing himself from those below him by ignoring or gossiping or teasing (but no longer bullying). At least doing that made him feel somewhat more elevated in stature, to have plenty of others below him.
Tim would not engage in problem solving with Jeremy. When Greg had asked him how the victim of his earlier bullying felt and reminded him that he was not a bully, Tim recognized the link between how he was feeling, what he did, and what effect that had on someone else. Plus, he did not want to drop down on Dad’s list. But there still remained a problem with Tim’s inability to handle the effects of this list.
Greg asked Tim to make a list of the ten best fighters in his class. Then he asked for the ten best baseball players, the ten best soccer players, the ten best video game players. After that, he asked who the best spellers were and who the best math students were. Finally, he asked who the kindest kids were, the friendliest, the most likely to share, the most likely to help you if you were hurt, sad, or lonely. When they got done, Tim had too many lists to keep track of. Greg asked him, who was at the top of all the lists. Was Jeremy at the top of any of the lists?
“Only one, biggest allowance!” scoffed Tim.
“Which list is most important to you?”
“Jeremy’s list!”
Greg could tell from the sly smile on Tim’s face that his son was going to school the next day with some revisionist history to share with the other kids.
Greg added, “Everybody is different. Everybody has different things they like and are good at. Look at the list you made for people who are nice, friendly, and sensitive. So, do you want a nice friend or a popular friend?”
“I want a nice friend who is popular.”
“You are at the top of the wise guy list aren’t you?”
“Only at home, Dad.”
“Yeah, like I’m going to believe that. Seriously, though, I don’t want to hear that you make lists that hurt other people’s feelings.”
“I would never do that, Dad.”
The “cool list” touched on sensitive issues for kids: fitting in and feeling valued. In this case, the devaluation was so powerful, that Tim was focused on the list and how he could “rise in popularity”. In the midst of that upset, he was not able to think broadly about the list, who made it, what purpose it served, and why it affected him the way it did. Greg, as the adult and parent, was able to simultaneously consider all of those issues and integrate them for Tim. In simple terms, parents serve as the missing part of children’s undeveloped brains until that development takes over.
Greg realizes that he is the holder of knowledge and wisdom that Tim lacks and helps him organize events accurately. He certainly does not want to exert any kind of mind control, but he also does not want him wandering through life with an uncontrolled mind. Just as children left alone in the kitchen will concoct strange recipes, so will children left with each other. We do not want the reasoning of other nine-year olds to be the foundation for developing who our children are, where and how they fit in, and what they are capable of.
In this concern about the Cool List as well as his responsiveness to his father’s disappointment, we see something in Tim to watch for in the future. Tim is quite adaptive, socially. He gets along well with people. He reads them well and knows what seems to motivate them. The risk for Tim is that he uses this skill to avoid disappointing others and being valued, whether it is his parents or his friends. What is not clear, yet, is whether Tim is making choices about who he is and what he wants, based on his own internal search for what gives him meaning and satisfaction. We may not see the answer to that until after he has left home for a while, where he comes into contact with strikingly different ideas, values, cultures, and mentors. If he is lucky, he will be seriously challenged to think more deeply about ideas and values when he is away at college. Neither we, nor Tim, really know at this point whether he has chosen paths that represent a genuine fit for him or whether he has made choices because he is extremely adept at knowing what others value. Greg and Ann both recall professors in college who challenged them to think more deeply, to the point of making their heads spin. For Ann, it was an English professor who expected her to keep rewriting until she tapped into some parts of herself that she didn’t know existed – a real creative and imaginative self. For Greg, it was his senior research advisor, who was never satisfied, because he knew he could expect more of Greg. “Sure, these are good ideas, Greg. But where are the great ideas?” Greg’s undergrad grades were not spectacular, but his senior research paper turned heads and had shown what he was truly capable of.
We need to know what is happening in our children’s lives and what sense they are making of events. Talking at bedtime is a good way to get to the cognitive cement before it dries².
Knowing what kids can do to each other, how it makes them feel, and how they may or may not respond is an important process to monitor with kids. The following is another close call Ann and Greg had with one of their kids, this time Seth.
“Faulty Intelligence”
To their delight, Seth was becoming increasingly involved with his friends from school. Now that he was in a school with more kids like him, who shared his interests, he was becoming much more social. However, just after school began in the fall, Seth was called down to the dean’s office during seventh period, where he found not only the dean, but two police officers. One of the police officers put a piece of paper in front of him and demanded,
“Did you write this?” The paper listed quotes from recent emails to friends, including the following:
“She’s a whore … Fence the stuff? … Placed the grenade”
Seth could tell from the familiar format and heading that these were his emails.
“Yeah,” he answered.
“Where is the bomb?” demanded the policeman as he stood over him.
“What?” responded Seth, puzzled.
“Is this a hoax or for real? Is there a bomb in the school?” in a voice that was serious and powerful.
“I want to call my dad,” answered Seth, now panicked.
“Tell us where the grenade is,” pressed the policeman, now angry at Seth’s lack of cooperation.
“I want to call my dad,” pleaded Seth.
As the interrogation continued, Mrs. Johnson, who was sitting at her desk outside the dean’s office heard the tension in the voices. She had known Greg and Ann for years and none of their kids had ever caused trouble in school, not even Tess. She picked up the phone and called Greg at his office. Fifteen minutes later, Greg was standing in the doorway of the dean’s office.
“Why wasn’t I called?” demanded Greg, glaring at the dean.
“This was an urgent situation,” interjected the police officer who had questioned Seth.
“Too urgent to push the speed dial button on my son’s cell phone? How dare you do something like this without calling me first,” again directing his anger toward the dean.
“We felt we had an urgent situation,” she said, defending herself.
“Well, you’ve got one now,” responded Greg.
“Your son wrote an email saying, ‘The grenade has been placed’,” the police officer interrupts.
“Dean Langley, do you honestly think that Seth sells drugs, so he can buy bomb parts and get with whores on his lunch hour?” seethes Greg. “Last time I checked, he had too much Calculus homework to find time to eat.”
“That doesn’t explain the email he wrote about the ‘bomb’, sir,” insisted the policeman.
“Even I can solve this one for you, officer, without interviewing the suspect. The “bomb” is a grenade and it has been placed in a video game called Halo and the drugs and hookers are right out of Grand Theft Auto, another game, in case you haven’t had your television or computer on for the last two years.”
“Greg, you are being really unfair in your judgment,” Dean Langley responded.
“The unfair judgment was you jumping to conclusions about a boy who has no history of acting out, who is a good student, who treats others kindly, and who could have explained this to you if you hadn’t scared the crap out of him.”
“You have no right to talk to me like that,” defended Dean Langley.
“In situations like this, we have to err on the side of safety,” said the police officer, justifying their actions.
“Looks like you erred on the side of impulsivity,” said Greg, pushing back.
“We have lives to protect,” the officer explained.
“Well, you didn’t do a very good job of protecting my son,” argued Greg. “You pulled him out of class, in front of his friends and teacher. You hauled him down to the office and interrogated him without support or counsel. You failed to check the boy’s background or the alternative meanings of the emails. You didn’t call his mother or me. What class did you pull him out of, Dorothy, Constitutional Law?”
“I’ve had enough of your sarcasm, Greg.”
“I’ve had enough of your trigger happy, discipline practices. This is not the first bone headed move you have made. We’ll run this one by the Parent Advisory Board.”
“Are we done here?”
“I sure hope so. Let’s go Seth,” said Greg, who mouthed a “thank you” to Mrs. Johnson as they left the office.
Although this shares some similarities with Greg’s leap over the glass at the hockey rink, this time Greg’s intervention was necessary and not simply emanating from his own urgent issues. Greg knew Seth wouldn’t harm a soul. He also knew that Seth could be clueless as to what others may think of him or how they might view his actions. He and his friends had been immersed in video games all summer. Several of them were part of a team that competes on line with other teams at a game called Halo, where they attempt to defeat bad guys with all the antiterrorist equipment a teenage boy could possibly want. Seth and his friends were so immersed in these games, that there were days when he and his friends were more in character than out. As for the Grand Theft Auto? He and Greg will have to talk about that one. Greg and Ann have prohibited their sons from buying the game, but obviously Seth had been playing it at his friends’ houses. Once Greg can help Seth ponder the behaviors that take place in GTA, he is confident that Seth will shift his emphasis to some other game where the “victims are more deserving.” It is easy for kids, even as teenagers, to fail to make the connection that even though they are in the world of the game, they are still in the real world in the sense that they are being observed and people are reacting to their behaviors with a completely different way of judging that behavior.
Sending an email that references some of these actions regarding drugs, prostitutes, grenades and killing is not something a reasonable adult would do, because they would know that nothing is as private as it seems and things can be misinterpreted out of context. But Seth and his friends were in their own little world, without consideration of what others might think. It also never occurred to them that others would read their email. It is not clear how the email reached the desk of the dean or the police department, but it did.
The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. Seth had no history of violent or antisocial behavior. The dean should have known that. Instead, she allowed her panic in the moment to guide her actions. She and the policeman seized control to insure safety, but failed to bring a broader perspective to the situation. There was no history of disturbed behavior; no history of harm to others or being victimized; no history of drug use or disregard for the rights of others. Instead of starting with the assumption that all behavior has a good reason, the dean started with the idea that threatening behavior needs an immediate response.
Seth was the victim of authority figures who were acting impulsively and inappropriately, given the circumstances and the kid involved. When Greg walked through the door that night, Ann greeted him with, “Did somebody go after your cub today, Papa Bear?” In this school situation, Greg not only needed to intervene to assure that all factors were considered, but also so that Seth knew that his father believed him and would protect him. Even when a child is guilty of some bad behavior, they need to know that their parent will make sure they are treated fairly. Seth’s old hockey coach was harsh, but there was logic to his treatment of Seth. If Greg had asked Seth, he would have understood that. If the adults had been careful to ask Seth in a nonthreatening way, he could have explained. Greg and Seth had already had this discussion several times about the meeting of the game world with the real world. It would have felt like a betrayal if Greg had allowed the dean and the police to continue their insensitive interrogation.
We want our children to engage with people with whom they are having difficulty and learn to handle things themselves. However, we must be attentive to challenges that are simply beyond their capability or circumstances where they can be hurt.
Parents and adults must ask themselves these questions:
Are you feeling an emotional urgency to act?
What will happen if action is not taken immediately?
Is your urgency out of proportion?
Whose issue is it, yours or your child’s?
Has something personal been tweaked by this situation?
Tim, Seth and Tess were each distinctly different children who each required their own kind of understanding and responsiveness. Whereas Seth had trouble letting people know when they were treating him unfairly, Tess had no trouble letting others know:
“I Hate You”
“You promised me we would go climbing today,” pleads Tess.
“But 8:30 is too late to go to the gym, especially on a school night,” responds Greg.
“But you promised,” argues Tess.
“I said if you get all your work done in time, we can go,” Greg reminds her.
“I worked hard. It just took me a long time to get it all done,” explains Tess.
“I’m sorry we can’t go tonight, kiddo. We’ll go some other time,” promises Greg.
“You go climbing with Tim all of the time. This was a time when I got to go with you,” sobs Tess.
“I was looking forward to going,” responds Greg.
“No you weren’t,” replies Tess. “You make time for Tim, but not for me,” yells Tess.
“I know you are disappointed,” soothes Greg.
“You lied to me. You told me we were going to go climbing tonight. You always say things and then don’t do them,” yells Tess.
“Looks like you had a lot of homework today,” says Greg.
“You have stupid rules. I bet there are ten kids at the gym right now climbing and none of them have their homework done,” argues Tess.
“You might be right,” answers Greg.
“I know I’m right,” barks Tess.
Greg listens but doesn’t say anything.
“I’m tired of your stupid rules. I hate you,” screams Tess.
Greg doesn’t react and continues to listen.
“Why can’t you be like everyone else? You are so unfair! I wish I didn’t live here!” rages Tess.
“I know you feel cheated. I am looking forward to climbing with you,” says Greg, in a calm voice.
“No you aren’t, you liar,” screams Tess as she runs upstairs to her bedroom.
When she gets to her room, she picks up her basket of clean laundry and throws it across the room. She pulls the blanket off the bed, ties it in a knot, opens the door and throws it at her parents’ door across the hall. She goes into Tim’s room and grabs his basketball and bangs it against the wall so that the whole house seems to shake. The neighbors next door come to the window to see what the racket is. Moments later, Tess let’s out a scream and slams her door and then does it again. Finally, a piece of paper appears under the door. Tess picks it up and reads it. “Write me one of your letters. Love, Dad.”
When Tess was only eight or nine, she came upon the strategy of writing her dad a letter when something really made her mad or disappointed. Here is what she wrote this evening:
Dear Dad,
I was really looking forward to climing with you tonite. You work all day and I only see you a little bit in the evening. Then if I have lots of homework to do, I don’t get to do anything with you. You go to the gym with Tim all the time, but not with me. That is so unfair. You have too many rules. We are the only family that doesn’t watch tv on school nites. We’re the only kids who don’t have tv’s in their bedrooms. I worked hard to get my work done so we could go climing, but I just had a lot. I could have lied to you about having it done. I could have bot the answers at school. Two sticks of gum gets me a problem. A hole pack gets me the hole assinement. That’s what other kids do. So you are punishing me for being onnest. School is not suposed to be a punishment. The other nite I had all my homework done and you guys woodn’t let me watch tv. I work hard and I should get to relax after all my work is done. Last week there was no school on Monday for me, so I got to watch tv on Sunday. But you let Tim watch, even thow he had school the next day. You make me follow the rules but change them for Tim. Most kids watch a lot of tv everyday. They get to play on there computers. Why is our house so different? Sometimes you don’t read me stories at nite. You say it is too late. Stories are important to me. I don’t care if most kids my age don’t get stories at night. I work hard and try to follow all of your rules, but some of your rules are unfair. You and Mom work all the time. When you are home, all we do is work. We never have any fun.
I Love You, TESS (pushing down hard when I sine my name means I’m mad)
A few minutes later, a tightly folded projectile lands in Greg’s lap while he sits at his computer in his study. He opens the letter and reads, giving a little smile. He walks upstairs and knocks on Tess’ door,
“Can I come in, Kiddo?”
“Yeah.”
“Do you want to talk?” asks Greg.
“It’s past my bedtime,” responds Tess.
“Do you think we should make an exception, tonight?” asks Greg.
“Yeah.”
“Sounds like you’re still really angry at me. I know you were counting on the climbing,” Greg begins.
“That really hurt my feelings, Dad. Why can’t you see how important that was?” explains Tess.
“I can see how sad you were. If you have a better plan about how to handle homework and outings, I’d like to hear it,” offers Greg.
“You should call Mrs. V. and tell her not to assign so much math homework,” proposes Tess.
“That’s one idea. What’s another?” encourages Greg.
“You could write her a note explaining that I had something important to do with my dad and I couldn’t get all my homework done that night,” offers Tess.
“Keep thinking. We can make a whole list of ideas,” offers Greg.
“What is more important, Dad; an outing with your daughter or some stupid math problems?” argues Tess.
“Nothing is more important than you. But we have to figure out a way for you to have time with me, including climbing, and still get your homework done,” explains Greg.
“Let’s have a rule that says, ‘If we can’t go one night, because of homework, we go the next night’” offers Tess.
“That sounds interesting. But what if there is too much homework the next night?” warns Greg.
“Then we burn down the school,” proposes Tess.
“And I suppose you will want my help?” wonders Greg, with a smile.
“How about if we can’t do it the day we planned, then we do it on a weekend day, when there is no homework to worry about,” explains Tess, the budding lawyer.
“Sounds good.”
“And you can put it in your phone so it beeps you to remind you,” adds Tess.
“You are on a roll, kid,” chuckles Greg. “You, know, on days when you have too much homework, we can still have time together. When Mom was in med school, some nights we would go to the library together,” recalls Greg.
“That sounds like a hot date, Dad.”
“About as hot as you could get with a med student,” responds Greg.
“Can I come do my homework in your study?”
“As long as you don’t let me bother you.”
“I will tell you if you are being a pain.”
“You always do,” laughs Greg.
“It’s your fault for being the pain, Dad,” retorts Tess.
“Thank you for writing me the letter, Tess,” Greg says, as he gives her a gentle scratch on the scalp.
“I was really mad at you,” explains Tess.
“I know. I could tell.”
“Sorry I made so much noise.”
“That’s okay. Nobody got hurt by a little (I mean a lot of) noise.”
“I’m sorry I told you, ‘I hate you’.” Tess offers sheepishly.
“I know you don’t hate me. I think you were trying to tell me how much I had hurt you.”
“Well, I felt bad after I said it.”
“Well that’s how you learn to handle things different the next time.”
Greg and Ann have been really strict about the no television rule on school nights. But in the midst of her anger, Tess forgot that when there is something really important and arrangements are made ahead of time, they get to watch it or record it. Greg recognized that Tess was hurting about the lost outing and that her rage was coming from her sadness and disappointment. The intensity of her anger was a function of how badly she felt about the missed outing, but also about missing out on something with him. An angry outburst from a child like Tess can often substitute for profound sadness or a sense of betrayal from someone she puts great faith in as being fair. Greg knew to just stand there and take the angry rant. Tess was a lot easier to understand emotionally than Seth, who likely would have hidden his feelings or Tim who would have shifted into his “world’s-most-charming-salesman” mode. Greg realizes that Tess feels things very intensely and lets you know how she is feeling, even if anger is the first emotion that she expresses.
In the midst of her rage, he was not going to be able to reason with her. He just let her wind down. He has a history with Tess that has taught him to let her blow off some steam. She wants him to know how hurt she feels or how wronged she has been. Greg knows that he will not be able to get past that sense of being wronged until he gives her a chance to explain how she feels and why. If he genuinely listens to her, he usually finds that there was an interesting logic to why she did what she did and felt what she felt. When he has that figured out, he views her actions in a much more tolerant light. He is also able to let her know that he understands why she acts and feels the way she does. This is the magic key for talking to Tess. Greg genuinely listens and understands and empathizes. Then, and only then, is Tess ready to listen to what he has to say. Tess has a very solid set of beliefs about what is right and wrong, and when they are violated, she reacts strongly. Therefore, it is essential to understand that thinking process. At this age, the thinking lacks an incorporation of others’ needs, but that comes with the developmental turf. Tess just does it more intensely than most kids.
Greg and Tess stumbled onto the letter-writing scheme. Actually, Tess initiated it, because she probably wanted to make sure that she was understood. Greg has observed over the years that Tess seems to calm down considerably after writing the letters, similar to the way she calms down when he listens and understands her. In that sense, Tess has discovered a way to soothe herself when she is angry or sad without needing her dad to help her do that. She as also found an effective way to channel her emotional upset, since the letters usually result in productive talks.
After Tess has been heard, she is usually ready to get on with finding a solution, so she does not get hurt or disappointed again. Tess has been good at coming up with contractual solutions to her biggest source of upset – fairness with respect to her brother, Tim. Tim manages to get through life by being sociable and likeable. In the process, many things just seem to fall into place for him. Tess, on the other hand, is very quick to see inconsistencies or unfairness, and in the process of attending to them, she can ruffle some feathers.
Tess designed a system for sharing the kitchen chores of setting and clearing the table and loading the dishwasher. She said to Tim, “On even days, you set and clear, and take out the dog. And you get to sit in the front seat. On odd days, I do those things and sit in the front seat.” Tim did some quick calculating and whispered to Greg that Tess didn’t realize that there were more odd days in the year. Greg chuckled to himself because he realized that Tim was now going to be doing fifty percent more work than before and yelling, “shot gun” would no longer have any benefit. Way to go, younger sister!
Scheduling the climbing on a school night where the activity was dependent upon Tess finishing her homework in time was probably a mistake. Although Greg did not intend it this way, it made the time together conditional. A better plan would have been to set a date for the outing that would not change for any reason. Not only did Tess think that Greg was favoring Tim, but with conflicts like this, she can believe that her dad did not really want to have an outing with her. When Greg realized how much Tess was missing him, he arranged to have some one-to-one times with Tess scheduled into his week so that the day-to-day demands did not come before their time together. Scheduling time together and honoring it, no matter what, sends an important message to a child like Tess that she is important to Greg and that he wants to be with her.
“You Are Out Of Control”
Given Tess’ personality, the course of events could easily have gone differently.
“You promised me we would go climbing today,” pleads Tess.
“But 8:30 is too late to go to the gym, especially on a school night,” responds Greg.
“But you promised,” argues Tess.
“I said if you get all your work done in time, we could go,” Greg reminds her.
“I worked hard. It just took me a long time to get it all done,” explains Tess.
“I’m sorry we can’t go tonight, kiddo. We’ll go some other time,” promises Greg.
“You go climbing with Tim all of the time. This was a time when I got to go with you,” sobs Tess.
“I was looking forward to going, too,” responds Greg.
“No you weren’t,” replies Tess. “You make time for Tim, but not for me,” yells Tess.
“How can you say that? I even had my bag packed to go,” responds Greg.
“You lied to me. You told me we were going to go climbing tonight. You always say things and then don’t do them,” yells Tess.
“That’s not true. I do lot’s of things with you. I put in lot’s of hours coaching your soccer team,” says Greg.
“You have stupid rules. I bet there are ten kids at the gym right now climbing and none of them have their homework done,” argues Tess.
“That doesn’t make it alright for you to be out too late,” answers Greg.
“One time is not going to make a big difference,” pleads Tess.
“You know the rule Tess. We’ll go some other time.”
“I’m tired of your stupid rules. I hate you,” screams Tess.
“You don’t mean that.”
“I hate you, I hate you, I hate you.”
“You are overreacting to something that is not a big deal, Tess. We’ll go some other time. But not if you treat me like this,” warns Greg.
“Why can’t you be like everyone else? You are so unfair! I wish I didn’t live here!” rages Tess.
“You need to go to your room and cool off, young lady. You are way out of control.”
“You can’t tell me what to do. You just want to get rid of me so you don’t have to deal with this mess you created.”
“I’m sorry you didn’t get your homework done in time, Tess,” Greg reminds her.
“You aren’t sorry, you liar,” screams Tess as she kicks over the coat tree in the front hall.
“If you break your toe, you won’t be able to climb at all,” yells Greg.
“I don’t care,” screams Tess as she picks up a DVD in its return envelope by the door and snaps it in half, and then picks up Greg’s cell phone, gripping it with both hands as if she was ready to break it in half as well.
“You are out of control young lady.”
“See how it feels to have something important taken away?”
“Give me that cell phone!”
“No!”
“If you won’t listen to me, then do I have to call someone you will listen to?”
“The police? You can’t be serious!
“If you won’t listen to me, what am I supposed to do?”
“You going to haul me off to the hospital?”
“If that is what it takes to get you under control.”
“I really do hate you,” she screams, throwing the cell phone to the floor and running up to her room.
Seeing his cell phone hit the floor is just too much. Greg picks up the cell phone, and chases up the stairs after her. “We are not done with this!”
Greg totally missed the fact that Tess was sad about not spending enough time with him. The homework was the immediate problem, but not the core issue. By focusing on the behavior or the rules, he failed to address her sadness and longing. If he had, the whole matter would never have escalated into this mess. The end result essentially confirmed Tess’ fear that Greg didn’t want to be with her. In fact, he threatened to get rid of her, at least in her mind.
Tess was hurt and angry. Instead of letting her feel it and express it, Greg allowed himself to be hurt by her words and become defensive. Tess did say hurtful things, but then was not the time to talk about his feelings. His response not only told her that her feelings were unacceptable, but that they were too much for him to handle. When she escalated, he also gave her the message that she was bad and out of control, that her anger was something pathological and required outside help. As a result, she would likely feel the need to hide or suppress her feelings from him in the future if she wanted a relationship with him. Or, as seemed to be the case with Tess, when someone was unfair to her, she would treat him or her the way she felt she had been treated. Taking something of his, the cell phone, was like taking away her trip to the gym.
Greg and Tess deteriorated into a power struggle in the end. Greg was racing up the stairs after her to have the last word, which suggested that he felt his authority as a parent had been undermined. Tess was fed up with him, but by running up to her room, she was probably less concerned about having the last word than escaping a situation where the interaction felt infuriating on one level, but extremely sad on another level, because it felt like she had been abandoned by her father. Greg’s empathic failure remained the core issue throughout this fight and he failed to recognize it or address it. Every time he felt unfairly attacked and became defensive, he committed another empathic failure. When a parent can speak to the real core pain, most of the fight immediately goes out of the child. If he had said, with open arms, “I can tell how sad you are that you don’t get enough time with me,” Tess very likely would have started crying instead of screaming.
Tess needed a father who understood her and could look past the anger to the sadness behind it. She needed a father who was secure enough that he could take in her anger without having to defend himself or reassert his power. She also needed someone who knew that this was a storm that was blowing through, but would eventually pass.
As a result of this set of failures, Tess cannot trust that Greg can handle her true self. She will have to adjust her way of being when she is with him so that she will never have to face this trauma again. The result very likely will be a false self presentation that she will need to develop, one that meets her father’s expectations if she wants a relationship with him and one that hides the parts of her that threaten that relationship, as her anger did that evening. That does not bode well for Tess. To resolve that conflict, she can either disengage from her father and seek connections elsewhere or she can come to believe that her true emotional self is too toxic for others to handle and she can don a mask and shut down her feelings, perhaps even keeping them from consciousness most of the time.
Having a “perfect” older brother also has a great deal to do with her concerns about fairness. In the first family above, fights, frustrations and failures are unavoidable, but they are used to achieve greater understanding, mastery, and intimacy. In the latter example, this family let’s the f-words lead to a downward spiral. Greg is a loving, well-intentioned father. He spends a great deal of time with his kids. But in this example, he simply failed to understand essential core issues of his daughter, in this case her longing, and consequently could not speak to it. He started off patient with her, but soon allowed Tess’ charges of unfairness to elicit defensiveness, concerns about authority, and eventually anger.
Tess is the kind of girl who could easily get labeled as oppositional defiant or even bi-polar. The story above could easily have ended with a trip to the local psychiatric hospital. After several incidents like this, Tess could be in the psychiatric system, labeled, medicated, and in behavior management treatment. She is the same kid as in the earlier example. The only difference is in the way she is understood and responded to. She is not a bad kid or a disturbed kid. She simply has a temperament that makes her sensitive to how she is treated and she has issues with fairness that likely evolved from having a brother who seems perfect. Not only is Tess unable to soothe herself in these situations, but her family is unable to help her as well. In fact, just the opposite is occurring. Interactions with her father (or mother) similar to the one above create a powerful sense of being misunderstood or abandoned by her parent. The result is a strong emotional response that reflects that. For Tess, anger is her typical response instead of sadness. The expression of anger or behavior that accompanies it can elicit attempts to condemn and control the behavior. As we have seen, Tess simply gets even more upset. Unless someone knows her, they can easily mistake this behavior as the result of some biological/medical process and call it ADHD or bi-polar disorder or they can perceive the kid as bad and attach antisocial labels.
If Tess assumes that she is less important or will be overlooked, then she may interact with her father with a chip on her shoulder. The assumption that he does not care or does not love her can become a powerful shaper of their relationship as well as her character. When this is the case, ambiguous situations tend to be interpreted negatively. If Tess thinks that he is ignoring her, she may choose to do that in return. In a sense, Tess may begin to follow the Golden Rule According to Tess: Treat others the way they have treated you. The big problem with that is that it elicits the very behavior that hurt her to begin with. Unless someone breaks this cycle, in this case Greg, this alienation and anger could grow over time.
In the first version of Greg, above, he knows that Tess can be hurt when people let her down or she does not feel fairly treated. As a result, he will make an effort to show her some very tangible unconditional love and attention after things cool down. The first step in that process is his ability to avoid defensiveness. Next, he showed a willingness to listen sympathetically without giving in. He was able to let her know that he understood her reasoning and how she felt. Finally, he also broke the conflict by making loving overture, such as slipping the note under the door, going to her room to talk, even though it was past bedtime, and making sure that there was a follow through on the climbing date. In non-family relationships, once an initial label is attached, the tendency is to find evidence to support the label (expectancy bias). Greg has a history of a loving relationship with Tess. He knows that he simply needs to engage her in a loving fashion for her to move past this disappointment. In other families, the angry words can lead to hurt and defensiveness that continues because no one understands the isolated nature of the event and the need to lovingly counter it with subsequent interactions. Greg and Tess also have a loving connection by the end of their talks when each of them feels understood by the other.
This second version would be a tragic outcome for Tess. Her brothers could easily become victims of the same parental defensiveness and lack of attunement. Seth could easily find it necessary to shut down and retreat from anything emotional and threatening, especially if he witnessed what happens with Tess. He might decide to stick with that which is well defined, rational, and logical instead of getting involved in the messiness of emotions and hurt feelings. He might learn to not ask too much of his parents, deciding instead that he needs to handle things himself. He could easily conclude that anger has no value in this family, that it simply brings pain and suffering. If he cannot trust his parents to handle negative emotions, he may attempt to shut them down, condemning himself when they do emerge. As a result, Seth will have difficulty feeling close to people, believing that his feelings are unacceptable.
Tim could have problems of a different nature. Since he is quite adept at tuning into others and knowing how they feel and what they need, he can easily conclude that he needs to be a certain way if he is to be loved and accepted by his parents. He avoids the trauma that Tess suffers by being the perfect kid; the one everyone likes, admires, and wants to be with. Unfortunately, that limits him from trusting that his genuine self is good enough to be loved and that self fails to develop. Somewhere down the line, he will find himself very dissatisfied with his life and his compromised relationships.
A parent must possess the strength to tolerate a child’s negative emotions.
Most angry outbursts have some disappointment, loss, or sadness underneath.
A parent’s defensiveness limits his or her ability to listen empathically to their child.
This last example was easy compared to the impossible bind Ann had to struggle with in this next example where there was no right answer.
“Taking All The Fun Out Of Sex”
“Are you still open,” Ann asked the pharmacist.
“For you, doctor, we can make an exception,” the pleasant woman behind the counter replied.
“I’m here to pick up my prescription,” Ann said.
After sorting through the bin of filled orders, the pharmacist brought out two small bags and said, “I hope you don’t mind, but your insurance provider said we had to switch your birth control to the generic brand”.
Trying hard to hide her shock, Ann simply said, “That’s fine”.
All the way home, Ann obsessively asked herself, “Do I tell him? Or don’t I?”. She knew Greg would hit the roof if he knew his 16-year-old daughter was sexually active. He was known to speak his mind a little too liberally with coaches, umpires, and sports columnists. Heaven knows what he would do to Tess’ 19-year-old boyfriend. He was already on edge with their age difference. She knew the first thing out of his mouth was going to be, “I told you so. All boys that age want sex.”. She could also hear him ranting, “I’m going to lock her in her room … put a GPS chip on her … home school her …”. Maybe she should talk with Tess first.
To her surprise, Tess was not angry when Ann apologized for stumbling onto her prescription. Nor was she as defensive as she expected when Ann asked her directly whether she was having sex with her boyfriend. Ann began to wonder whether stumbling upon the prescription was not totally an accident. Tess almost sounded relieved to have her mother know. That suspicion took on added weight when Tess did not balk at the idea of Ann talking to her and her boyfriend together. Ann was not surprised when Tess added, “But don’t tell Dad, okay. He will just make it into a bigger deal than it needs to be. We’ve only done it two times.”. As if this was “no big deal”, Ann thought to herself.
Although normally more casual, Ann ushered Tess and her boyfriend into her office in full battle dress: white coat, stethoscope, and MD ID badge. Greg would be proud. Over the next hour, Ann laid out for them all the facts. She challenged the notion of “safe sex” with data on the effectiveness rates for various contraceptives, risks of sexually transmitted diseases, as well as the life long implications for pregnancies, infections, abortions, and break-ups. She even reminded the boyfriend that he was having sex with an underage girl. Since she suspected Tess might be having trouble setting limits with him, throwing in this last bit couldn’t hurt. She knew Greg would have led with that. In emotional situations like this, Greg was not always capable of practicing the Analyze Before You Act analysis. She figured that adding this would add to the potential for the two kids to do a little more analysis of their own before their next act.
When she was done, it was unclear what good the talk had done. Certainly one talk was not going to drastically change anything. She did notice, however, the boyfriend’s eyes widened when the age issue was added. She could just hear Greg saying, “I doubt they quit having sex (after your lecture), but I’m sure it isn’t quite as much fun anymore.” She chuckled as she thought of her retort, “I know I’m having second thoughts about sex”.
Tess was a sweet, serious kid, who loved school, soccer, and singing and truly believed that this boy was the love of her life. Ann recognized the limits to which she could control her daughter’s behavior. Middle school and high school kids can find an adult-free zone after school for sex if they want. What she hoped to accomplish was for Tess and her boyfriend to simultaneously consider all the factors that enter into a decision to be sexually active. She knew her daughter well enough to know that she was acting on the “I am in love” part of her life, but was not pulling together all the other factors simultaneously and their implications. Ann knew that Tess was a serious, thoughtful girl, who valued her relationship with her parents and their opinions. Yet she was only sixteen and she was not equipped to handle all of these urges, pressures, and analyses simultaneously—at least not without the assistance of her parents. This was Ann’s attempt to launch that integration process with this talk, hoping it would lead to greater thought on the part of the two kids and perhaps more dialogue between her and Tess.
Ann could remember what it was like to be young. She also remembered how little she had let her own mother know about her own life at that age. It became clear over the subsequent months that Tess had not directly asked for Ann’s involvement, but seemed to find great relief in her mother knowing. She truly loved her boyfriend, but was not at all sure she was ready to have sex with him. She also revealed that trying to tell him that felt like a real bind. She admitted that more than once she had used the Mom and Dad won’t let me excuse when she was feeling emotionally cornered. In terms of making A MESS of Tess’ sex life, Ann wanted her to stay engaged with the challenge of reasoning through what she wanted in a relationship, yet she was there to make sure that the process was not overwhelming. Sometimes the simplest exit kids take from these binds involves behavior that is later regretted.
Ann’s response (of leaving the conflict in the kid) may have been completely different if her daughter was insecure and desperate to hold onto this boyfriend, or oppositional and defiant, or reckless and impulsive. Greg and Ann had a long history of a close, open, and collaborative relationship with their daughter. This approach seemed to them to be in keeping with the relationship they had established. In this case, the intervention was actually a relief to Tess, who now more openly discussed her relationship with Ann, sought her advice, and likely rethought much of what she and her boyfriend were trying to sort out by themselves.
There was no right answer in this situation. Tess had been in a hurry to grow up since she was a little kid. Her boyfriend was a sweet kid she met through choir. He was a little shy and introverted, but Greg and Ann really liked him. Not only was he respectful, but also he thought deeply about ideas and cared deeply about causes. That was part of the reason Tess was attracted to him. They were a good team when it came to causes. Her intensity and advocacy fit well with his reasoned analysis when it came to getting things done. In many ways, this boy did not seem like most 19-year-olds, but then again, Tess was hardly typical herself. The more the family got to know him, the less the age difference seemed to bother anyone. And Seth really liked him as well. They were two of kind, introverts eager for someone as serious as they were.
Ann has been racking her brain about what they should have done differently. They had rules about keeping the door open when alone in a room. The kids were respectful of curfews and let them know where they were. Neither kid abused alcohol or marijuana. So where did they go wrong? Ann was now seriously rethinking Greg’s old line, “use your own good judgment”. They know better than to try to control Tess, but they will be even more vigilant about making sure she is carefully considering all factors as she “uses her own good judgment”.
Limits are necessary for protecting our children from dangerous behavior. Those limits need to be constructed to fit the needs and capabilities of the child. Whenever possible, the child should be involved in the development of limits. If children believe you are sensitive to their feelings and needs, they will collaborate with you, rather than resist you or violate your trust.
“Are you going to tell Dad,” Tess asked. Although clearly anxious, it was not clear what worried Tess the most.
To her surprise, her mom responded, “I’ll leave it to you to tell him”. As soon as she said it, she could tell Tess had been hoping for a different answer. This approach to parenting was no secret to Tess. She knew what her mom was doing. She silently mouthed the words; “Keep the conflict in the kid”. That one ranked right up there with, “Use your own good judgment”. So where is the controlling parent when you need one she thought. But, really, she was greatly relieved that her mom was now in the know and her boyfriend knew that her parents knew. She was grateful that she had her mom to talk to. Now she had a little more leverage with her boyfriend and she came better equipped to argue for what she wanted from him in their relationship.
Although Tess tended to talk more to Ann about personal things than Greg, his presence in her life was crucial. What if Greg was not around? Tess’ relationship with her boyfriend could have been quite different.
“Daddy’s Little Girl”
Tess was twelve when her parents divorced and fourteen when her father moved four hours away. The divorce was particularly hard, because she was Daddy’s favorite. She and her mother battled constantly over limits, neither feeling like the other cared. Since she was fourteen, Tess has desperately sought and held onto boyfriends, suffering painfully when a break-up occurred. Tess did not like to be alone, and could feel desperate if she was not with a friend, her father, or her boyfriend. Beginning last summer, Tess began having intercourse with her boyfriend. Although ambivalent about whether she was ready, she was convinced that she would lose her boyfriend if she didn’t. Last week she missed two days of school because she felt too sick to go and Ann sent her to the doctor, who immediately asked, “How long have you been pregnant?” She was afraid to tell her mother, father, and especially her boyfriend. But her desperation became so great she decided she had to tell someone, so she confided in her girlfriend.
Tess experienced the bind of having to choose between loneliness and a compromised relationship. She did not trust that others would tolerate giving voice to what she wanted and needed, and being alone was also intolerable. She managed the bind by being what she thought her boyfriend wanted her to be. She filled the loneliness in her life but disregarded her self in the process. Tess was one of the girls who signed a pledge of (sexual) abstinence. On that day, in that setting, she truly believed in the pledge. But there were more powerful issues (or binds) than something a pledge could handle. Signing a pledge of abstinence was not dealing directly with the important bind between self and connection.
In this example, Tess lacked relationships with her parents that were secure and safe. She was Daddy’s “favorite”, but then he left her and moved away. After that she was preoccupied with staying connected and not abandoned. With this overwhelming concern, she was unable to focus on her own individual development. She gave way to the needs of others, in this case her boyfriend, to desperately stay connected. Without the security of the family, Tess was not equipped to handle the dual developmental goals of self and connection.
Children who feel unconditionally loved and securely attached to their parents have a better chance of forming healthy relationships where their individual needs are respected.
When parents’ own needs come ahead of their children, the attachment becomes conditional. Children who have not felt entitled to be themselves and loved unconditionally will anxiously cling to unhealthy relationships, divorce themselves from people and try to go it alone, or selfishly put their needs ahead of others as they have experienced with their parents.
There is a place between indulgence and abandonment.
“Remember me?”
A couple of years after the last time Greg and Jamie had their talk, Greg is sitting at the diner across the street from the gym:
“Hey Mr. G. Remember me?”
“Sure I do, Jamie. You are the guy who turned down a great coaching job two years ago. Have a seat. I’ll buy you a Coke.”
“Thanks.”
“Hey, they’ve got great pie here. Want a piece?”
“I know. I work here.”
“I thought you were off at college.”
“I was, but it didn’t work out.”
“What happened?”
“To be honest Mr. G., I flunked out.”
“What happened?”
“The simple answer is, I wasn’t going to class.”
“How come?”
“Guess I needed someone to ride my ass to get to class.”
“And then someone to make you study?”
“I think you got the picture. I wasn’t exactly motivated.”
“Were you motivated before you started school?”
“I was motivated to get away from home and be on my own.”
“But not for school and studying?”
“I didn’t really think about it. I sort of thought it would take care of itself once I got to college. High school was easy. I could just do everything at the last minute and do fine.”
“So college expected a little more of you?”
“Yeah. One morning my phone rang and my history professor was on the line screaming at me for not turning in a paper.”
“How did that feel?”
“At the time, it felt like crap. But you know, that was the only class I passed. That professor obviously cared or he wouldn’t have called me.”
“Yeah. It sounds like it.”
“So what happened? I mean, what went wrong between you and college?”
“I was living in this house with a bunch of guys from high school. My dad and another parent bought the house; so it was a great deal. We didn’t have to live in the dorms. Dad said it was going to be a great lesson in real estate and finance. You know him. Always wheeling and dealing.”
“He’s made a lot of money wheeling and dealing, hasn’t he?”
“He sure has, but he’s not sharing it with me anymore. He was pissed when I flunked out. He said I had to get a job and pay him back for all the money he wasted on college.”
“Ouch. You are going to have to sell a lot of pies. So, you were telling me about living with the friends.”
“We were known on campus as the High Five, because the five of us lived on High Street. Plus, our house was the place to hang out and party.”
“Was it fun?”
“Absolutely.”
“So, what happened?”
“We’d be up partying ‘til whenever and then I would sleep ‘til noon and miss my morning classes. At first I told myself it was no big deal because I could get it together for the exams and the papers. But in the math and science classes, I got so far behind I couldn’t catch up. Second semester, I was on probation, so I switched out of the science classes and took humanities classes, because I figured I could write good.”
“Write well.”
“Exactly. I didn’t do any better second semester. When I tried to stop smoking and drinking so much, because I knew I was in big trouble with grades, I couldn’t stick with it.”
“How come?”
“I was just feeling nervous all the time. I felt like I had to do something to distract myself. I knew I should be studying, but I couldn’t concentrate for very long. I was watching a lot of television or playing video games or hanging out with friends. And then it was hard not to smoke weed, because everyone else was always high.”
“Why didn’t you move out? Go live in the dorms. There are R.A.’s there to monitor behavior.”
“My dad said he wasn’t paying for another place to live. He’d already bought me a house to live in. Besides, I couldn’t leave my friends.”
“Yeah. The High Four just doesn’t have that same ring to it.”
“Well, actually, we already were the High Four, because Smithers’ dad made him move out when he got put on probation after first semester.”
“How did your parents react when you went on probation?”
“I didn’t tell them.”
“Grades don’t go home anymore?”
“Not unless I sign a form that allows it.”
“So they take Dad’s money but protect your privacy?”
“Yeah. I got a public drinking ticket Dad never learned about either.”
“You wish they would have kept closer tabs on you?” Greg asks.
“Yes and no. In hindsight, I guess that would have helped, but if you had asked me then, I would have told you ‘no’. I didn’t want them to know anything.”
“So what do they think now?”
“My dad is totally ashamed of me. He doesn’t even want to talk to me. I’m an embarrassment. My mom is worried about me, but she won’t do anything to cross my dad.”
“That sucks.”
“Mr. G.”
“You never heard the word ‘sucks’?
“Not from you.”
“You haven’t talked to me since you were on my Little League team. I was careful what I said around you guys then.”
“I seem to recall getting benched for foul language.”
“Yes you did. You also got benched for taking a swing at the umpire.”
“You were a hard-ass coach. But we rocked, didn’t we?”
“Yeah, you guys were a good team.”
“Wish I’d stuck with baseball.”
“Why didn’t you?”
“I tried to make a comeback in high school. Even quit smoking for ninety days, started running. But the coach said he wasn’t going to have any potheads on his team.”
“Wrong coach at the wrong time?”
“Yeah, and that !@#$%^& had a DUI and couldn’t even drive the team bus if he wanted to.”
“I think his last DUI cost him his coaching job for good.”
“I’d say good riddance, but I’d be a little hypocritical if I did.”
“Tell you what, Jamie. You aren’t going to pay your dad back in this century selling slices of pies for Mrs. Murphy. Come down to my office and I’ll give you a job. But here are the conditions: If you flunk a random drug test, you’re fired. If you miss work without a note from a doctor, you’re fired. If you are late for work, you are on probation. If you are late a second time, you’re fired.”
“No more sitting out one game?”
“You are not in Little League anymore. You start at the bottom and can work your way up. If you master your job and do it well, you can move on to the next level, and so on. Each time you move to a higher level, your pay goes up with it. I started on the factory floor and now I run the business. I appreciate hard work. Every Friday, at the end of the day, I want you in my office for an update on your progress and your goals. I’m firm but I’m fair.”
“Can I start tomorrow?”
“You’ll have to work that out with Mrs. Murphy. You can’t leave her hanging.”
“I know a girl at the gym across the street who would love to have this job. She’ll just need to buy a long sleeve shirt for all her art work.”
“Huh? Oh. I get it.”
Greg doesn’t seem to want to give up on this kid. Some kids need to hit bottom before they are ready to make some changes. Jamie also needed to be told by the college and society that he was screwing up. His father is not exactly helping, but he has obviously decided to quit indulging his son. That is often the case, where parents swing between indulgence and rejection. Greg realizes that Jamie does not yet have the ability to regulate himself internally. Although he may recognize he has screwed up, that knowledge does not lead to an immediate, successful about-face. He still lacks the ability to initiate, self-regulate, engage and stay engaged and soothe himself in appropriate ways to allow for staying engaged despite frustration and failure.
Consequently, Greg is setting up external standards, such as the drug testing to help him regulate himself. It is far more valuable if this process can be successful with someone like Greg than if Jamie winds up in the legal system and gets sent off to jail because of his drug use. Greg might have made the system a little more tolerant of failure, such as a one-month suspension without pay for a failed drug test. However, he knew from Jamie’s report that he had successfully quit smoking for ninety days in order to play baseball, so this strict structure seemed appropriate and doable.
The experiment that Greg has proposed is a good opportunity for Jamie. If he engages and begins to feel good about what he has accomplished, he can turn his life around. If he fails, he may need to struggle awhile longer until he appreciates what he is missing out on and is willing to try again. Greg is a patient guy, but he only promotes guys at his factory based on mastery and competence, not on promises. Greg also noticed in Jamie’s story that the one bright spot at college was the history professor who called him up and yelled at him. Obviously, external motivation is necessary to Jamie. But the example of the professor told Greg that Jamie responded to someone who cared about him and was disappointed that he was letting himself down. The fact that Jamie came over and sat down told him that Jamie still has a little bit of wish for the old magic his tough old coach provided him. Nothing works, as it ideally should. If Greg or someone else is going to be of help to Jamie, they will likely need to be attentive, expectant and persistent, yet not rescuing. Greg is aware of what Jamie needs but has avoided, as well as what sort of process might promote growth with Jamie. He is also aware of the developmental binds he has been avoiding such as balancing staying connected to friends and getting on with his own development as well as the bind between tolerating the frustration of engagement and the satisfaction of accomplishment and competence.
The partying Jamie did in college was certainly fun, in the moment. But having fun is not the only thing motivating Jamie. Shame and humiliation are powerful motivators, as well. Not being special and not measuring up were reasons for avoiding challenging engagements when we checked in with him at the Tumble Inn. Staying away from challenges that make him feel inadequate – thus humiliated – has been a longstanding strategy for Jamie. The partying, hanging out with friends, getting high were all behaviors in the service of that avoidance.
Avoidance stunts growth. Without someone to challenge it, avoidance can become a well-rationalized form of existence. External controls are necessary until internal ones develop. Ambition needs to fuel a move toward self-reliance. Learning to soothe oneself allows for sustained engagement and mastery. External sources of soothing prevent growth, especially when those sources are enjoyable or stimulating. Healthy outcomes involve simultaneous pursuit of self-development and building satisfying relationships.
Avoidance is rewarding, not only because it keeps him free from humiliation or shame, but because the form it takes can feel pleasurable and maintain connections. Self-soothing skills are necessary to delaying this immediate gratification.
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¹ I have no idea how well Walter could pitch, but his inclusion was meant as a tip of the hat to the real Walter Mischel whose ground breaking experiments at Stanford in the early 1970’s (with children and marshmallows) introduced us to the important concept of “delay of gratification”. Four-year-old children who were able to resist eating their “marshmallow” during his brief fifteen minute challenge were much higher achievers as high school students and better adjusted psychologically as well.
² For more on the need to monitor children’s reasoning and faulty perceptions check out the essay, Don’t Let The Cement Dry in the Parent Toolkit section.