Raise Your Parenting AQ
Chapter 2
Getting Back On The Mountain
Mountains need to be climbed.
Climbers need to feel safe.
Eventually the elbow heals and Greg and Tim have plans to go to the gym to learn to climb.
“I Don’t Want To Fall”
“Are you ready to go, kiddo?” Greg asks.
“I don’t want to go,” replies Tim, now fully recovered from his broken elbow.
“I thought you wanted to be a mountain climber when you grew up.”
“I do. I want to climb, but I don’t want to fall.”
“That’s why you learn to climb with ropes.”
“I keep thinking how bad it felt to break my elbow, and how I couldn’t play baseball all summer, and how I had to wear that elbow bending machine all the time, and …”
“You’ve had a long time to sit and worry. You used to climb and not worry enough.”
“Do they have a video game for climbing?”
“If they don’t, I’m sure you will invent one. Come on. Let’s get down to the gym. We’ll start off with safe stuff, close to the ground. I’ll be with you and I won’t let you get hurt. Besides, if you get hurt, your mom will hurt me worse.”
“Are you serious?”
“About mom hurting me? No. About protecting you? Yes.”
“Do you think we need to buy me some climbing shoes?”
“Sneakers got you to the top of the backstop just fine.”
“But maybe that’s why I fell. I didn’t have the proper equipment. You want me to be safe, don’t you?”
“I do want you to be safe. That’s why we are going to the gym to learn how to climb safely. If you want climbing shoes, save up your money. That’s what allowances and grandparents are for.”
“Grandma. Great idea. Why didn’t I think of her. She’ll want me to be safe.”
Instead of getting right back up on the horse that threw him, Tim has had to wait for his elbow to heal. During that time, he has had time to think about falling and recognize what a cost it was to him to get hurt. Instead of having fun climbing, he has had time to worry. His father knows him well enough to realize that if he just gets underway with the climbing at the gym he will regain his interest in climbing. He also trusts that the safety precautions at the gym will make climbing safer for Tim and give him a greater sense of control. For that reason, he is encouraging Tim to reengage, rather than just taking him at his word that he does not really want to go. Greg is tuned into Tim’s interests, history, and coping style enough that he knows better than to just respond to the content of the moment.
To become a safe and competent climber Tim needs to engage. Since Tim is worried, Greg is there to soothe his worry with reassurances that he will protect him. He trusts that the engagement will eventually lead to mastery and confidence. He also trusts that Tim will eventually learn to soothe himself sufficiently to engage and stay engaged. To ask Tim to do this for himself today would be overwhelming and damaging. So today, Greg has to provide the security and soothing for him.
Attunement
Genuine Self-Esteem
Emotional Range (self-soothing)
Engagement
Communication
Tim is responding in the moment in a way that quickly takes him away from his anxiety. His father knows that avoidance of engagement allows anxiety to grow into lasting fears. Therefore, he is going to help him get back to something he knows Tim has and will enjoy. To avoid his anxiety, the son is trying to find an immediate external solution to his upset. Greg, at the moment, is the holder of the ambitions and wishes he knows Tim possesses and he is trying to remind him of those goals to offset the wish to avoid.
Emotional Range
Logical Thinking
Engagement
Greg is also telling Tim that he can depend on him to keep him safe and Tim knows from past experience that his father is a reliable source of protection and support, so is willing to take more risk with his father at his side. Greg also intends to show Tim that some of that protection and support will ultimately come in the form of Tim’s mastery of the ropes, harness and belaying techniques employed in climbing.
It is obvious Tim is over the anxiety hurdle temporarily when he tries to con his father into buying some new climbing shoes. Tim knows his father will do anything to keep him safe, so he makes an appeal for the best and safest equipment, in this case climbing shoes. But Greg is not about to go down that path with Tim with climbing shoes or other expenses. He and Ann have agreed that the kids, once they hit the clothes-make-the-man-stage-of-life, would buy their own clothes out of an allowance, to avoid potential conflict and to teach the kids to work within reasonable limits when it comes to money. That is why this request evaporates so quickly, because the policy has been established and Greg just refers to the clothing allowance and wishes him good luck with his decisions. Not to worry. Once the climbing becomes a serious sport, Tim will have another crack at his father for gear, drawing upon the necessary-equipment-clause in every man’s sports budget.
Internal Discipline
Greg is aware of the importance of engagement to acquire mastery and competence. He is also aware of Tim’s interest in climbing, but his understandable fear as well. Therefore, he is encouraging healthy engagement. Greg knows that for kids to develop, they need to climb mountains and that the climb itself is important to learn mastery. Sometimes, he is needed to assure that the climb is engaged in and not avoided. Like the good teacher, he is aware of the climber’s capabilities, he knows the terrain and what obstacles lie ahead, he understands why some climbs do not go as planned, but knows that it is important to get back on the mountain and get back to climbing.
“Take Him At His Word”
This scenario could easily have gone differently. A well-intentioned father could have taken Tim at his word that he no longer wished to climb. If he is sensitive to Tim and listens to his feelings, he may figure there are lots of other things Tim can do besides climb.
“Are you ready to go, kiddo?” his father asks.
“I don’t want to go.”
“I thought you wanted to be a mountain climber.”
“I used to, but I don’t want to fall.”
“You had a real scare falling off the backstop didn’t you?”
“Yeah. I still think about that. Mom was right. That was a dumb thing to do.”
“She worries you will hurt yourself. Are you sure you don’t want to go to the gym and give it a look see?”
“Nah – Besides, none of my friends are into climbing.”
“What do you want to do?”
“I want you to help me with my jump shot. I really suck at basketball during recess.”
“Okay. As you know, jump shots are my specialty.”
“The 3-point arc on the driveway is kind of a giveaway Dad.”
“You think? Come on, I’ll beat you at h-o-r-s-e.”
This is a well-meaning father. He passively allows Tim to follow his lead instead of helping Tim find his own. Greg loves basketball and he is thrilled that Tim is showing an interest in a sport they can play together. Ann is also well meaning, but she is allowing her fears to become her son’s as well. Greg is seduced by the idea that he and Tim can remain close through doing something together like basketball, which is a lifelong love of Greg’s. In addition, he would love to see Tim follow in his footsteps as a basketball player. As for the climbing? That was not something Greg naturally enjoyed. In fact, heights have always been anxiety producing for him, so he is ready to tune into the anxiety Tim is expressing. Unfortunately he fails to realize that his anxiety about climbing is making him too ready to take Tim’s reluctance to reengage to be as real and profound as his. This blinds him to the need to contrast Tim’s stated anxiety against his long history of climbing everything in sight. Greg fails to realize that his wish for closeness is coming at a cost to his son’s development of an independent self. At a minimum, he needed to follow through on his suggestion that they go down to the gym and check things out.
Genuine Self-Esteem
Emotional-Range
Relatedness
“Are You Going To Snorkel or Scuba?”
This issue of maintaining a close connection can blind the parent to the need for growth on the part of the child. Similarly, kids will face that bind in their peer relationships, especially as adolescents, when they opt for connection over self-development. What makes this bind even more difficult to stay engaged with, so that both goals, self and connection, are well served, is the natural inclination to avoid that which is difficult, frustrating or humiliating. It is easier to stay within the zone of competence rather than dig more deeply and face challenges that elicit frustration or the risk of failure.
Snorkeling is a sport many of us can enjoy and do without any training. If you can keep the water out of your mask and blow into your floatation device, you are good to go as long as your sunscreen is rated. But no one who has made the effort to learn to scuba dive goes back to snorkeling. Learning to scuba is an extensive process. There are readings to do, nitrogen levels to monitor and calculate, emergency procedures to learn and hours of in-pool and in-ocean practice to do before you are certified and allowed to fill your tank and jump overboard. But deep, below the surface, there is so much more to see. No waves batter you. No sun burns you. And if you see a giant turtle, you can follow him. At least until you see a school of fish that ruin forever any HD tv rendering of how beautiful nature is.
It is easy to remain a snorkeler. It is readily available. It takes no effort. It can be done on an impulse. And it yields beautiful views, at least of other snorkelers. Unless someone has been adequately intrigued, challenged, encouraged, or pushed to learn scuba, they will easily and contentedly remain a snorkeler. So it is with much of life. Most of us are content with swimming on the surface of life, because there is much there that is stimulating. Most of us fail to realize we have access to so much more if we dive down deeper. But to do that requires significant effort. Most of us will choose the path of least resistance if it seems to be getting us somewhere.
Going out to shoot baskets with his dad is kind of like snorkeling. It will be a fun thing to do together. Going to the gym today, despite feeling anxious, will be more like learning to scuba. It will be challenging, but in the long run it will be a more satisfying fit for Tim.
Genuine Self-Esteem
Emotional Range
Relatedness
Curiosity
Be genuinely curious about a child’s interests.
Help them remember those interests when immediate urgencies are pressing.
Be careful that your own fantasies of closeness to your child do not blind you to your child’s differences from you.
“Go Outside And Play”
Ann and Greg encourage their kids to be actively engaged in activities that bring them satisfaction. They know that kids need sources of satisfaction to feel good about themselves and not need to find value by desperately trying to be what others define as valuable – a real risk upon entering the middle school years. Therefore, they limit the amount of passive time spent watching television or playing video games.
Internal Discipline
Creativity & Vision
They are not opposed to video games. They make distinctions between what is passive (entertainment) and active engagement. They promote the pursuit of satisfaction, not just entertainment. Satisfaction comes from engagement and mastery, which involve activities that are engaging and challenging. Learning to beat a video game can be engaging, challenging and satisfying.
Genuine Self-Esteem
Ann and Greg were initially frustrated with the amount of time Seth spent in front of the computer playing video games. In fact, they had some serious arguments about it.
“I’m not wasting my time,” protested Seth.
“You should be out playing with your friends,” reasoned Ann.
“I am playing with my friends. They just happen to be on the computer and they just happen to live in Taiwan, Singapore, Antwerp, Liverpool, and Little Rock.”
“What?”
“We play on-line. As a matter of fact, I’m the leader of my guild. We have the most advanced colony in the game and everyone wants to join with us. We have a waiting list.”
“What?”
“Would you like to try playing?”
“Why don’t you just tell me about it, dear.”
“Okay.”
Seth was not engaged in what many others his age were expected to do, like scouts or band. He was a serious “gamer”. In the game world, he had quite a reputation as a skillful player and effective leader. And no one knew his true age. So, in effect, he was the leader of a guild made up of other gamers ranging in age from twelve to sixty-something. In fact, one guy in the guild got out of character long enough to offer Seth a job in his computer company in California. Seth told him thanks, but he had to finish school first – never mentioning it was middle school, not MIT! The process of playing this game totally engaged Seth. He had to make strategic decisions about resources and their allocation. He had to make decisions about which of his guild members were best suited for which tasks. He had to prioritize those tasks, given the limits of resources and manpower. And he had to design strategies for accomplishing those tasks, often in consultation with other members of his “council of elders”. Throughout the process, Seth was stimulated, challenged, and ultimately satisfied with his “work”. Now, he just had the minor inconvenience of having to finish school.
Logical Thinking
Internal Discipline
Genuine Self-Esteem
Communication
Relatedness
Children find their own interests and talents if we let them. These interests and talents can take a variety of forms. Some kids can identify their interests and quickly dig in, while others like to experiment. Flow exists when a child is fully engaged and challenged. If the task requires them to think or learn or improve, it yields satisfaction. It takes their full attention and they have to work hard to accomplish the task, whether it is convincing someone of something, or learning a new skill, or fixing something broken.
Logical Thinking
Creativity & Vision
Genuine Self-Esteem
Kids who enter adolescence with sources of competence, esteem, and satisfaction are more likely to handle the pressures of fitting in and feeling valued. If they have areas of real competence and passion, they are devoting significant amounts of time to these activities; and they are doing it with others who share those goals, be they athletics, music, theater, or gaming. They are better able to manage the twin demands of adolescence: fitting in and feeling adequate.
Self vs. Relatedness
Seth was a good athlete, but unlike his brother, Tim, he did not easily engage others. He was sensitive and reasoned about things and relationships in his head, coming to conclusions about events, without carefully checking out his assumptions (outside of his head). He was good at figuring out how things worked or how to put them together. This ability also seemed to translate well to sports, where Seth would methodically practice jump shots, throwing a baseball through an old tire, or during hockey season, learning to skate backwards. Seth often preferred the company of people who were rational and followed the rules. Because he knew this about his son, Greg was careful to look for potential problems or times when Seth misinterpreted things. The following is one of those times:
“I Quit”
Greg knew that today was the first day of tryouts for the middle school basketball team.
He asked Seth, “How did tryouts go today?”
Seth responded, “Tryouts started at eight and by nine the coach already had his mind made up (who he was going to keep). He had an “A” team play the “B” team and I wasn’t on either team. That really made me mad. So I didn’t even go back after lunch. (I just quit.)”
“But you love basketball.”
“Yeah. That was totally bogus, Dad. I’m a better player than lots of those guys.”
“Why didn’t you go back after lunch?”
“I didn’t want to hear him tell me I was one of the guys he was going to cut.”
“How did you know he was going to cut you?”
“It was obvious. He made these two teams of all his favorites. That’s who he was going to keep.”
“Who else sat out while these two teams played?”
“I don’t know. I wasn’t paying attention. All I could do was sit there and be pissed.”
“I’m sorry to hear about that. Sounds like that really hurt your feelings.”
“Yeah, it did. But then I started comparing myself to those guys playing and then I just got really mad, because I knew I could shoot better than most of them and I’m faster than half of them. I’ve been lifting weights and I can kick some serious ass under the bucket, Dad. Excuse my language.”
“Did you compare yourself to the other guys sitting out?”
“I already answered that question, Dad.”
“Oops. I forgot. Too bad you didn’t, though.”
“Why do you say that?”
“Well, there are lots of reasons for making guys sit out. One reason is they aren’t any good. Can you think of another reason?”
“No. The bench is for the scrubs.”
“So when the NFL plays their preseason games, who plays?”
“All the stars”
“Really? Who plays most of the second half?”
“The new guys. Oh, I get it. The guys they are trying to decide whether to cut.”
“That’s another possible reason you were sitting out. Because I know you are a pretty good basketball player.”
“But the coach didn’t tell me that’s what he was doing.”
“Did you ask him?”
“No”
“So basically, you don’t really know what the coach was thinking.”
“Well, I’m screwed now, anyway, because I didn’t go back to the afternoon tryouts.”
“You might be right, but it wouldn’t hurt to ask.”
“I don’t want to go talk to the coach if that’s what you mean. He’ll be pissed at me for quitting even if he wasn’t going to cut me.”
“I know you don’t want to go talk to him. Would you rather have the coach be pissed at you and tell you to your face that you were cut, or would you rather just give up on playing basketball for the year, if not longer?”
“Come on, Dad. Leave me with a little dignity.”
“Remind me what middle school dignity is.”
“It’s better to quit than to get fired, cut, or turned down.”
“Yeah. I couldn’t have said it any better. Sounds a little like Shakespeare.”
“Yeah, that’s where I got it. I knew you would appreciate it.”
“I think it goes more like, ‘It is better to have. . .’”
“‘. . . loved and lost than to have never loved at all.’”
“Glad to know you are paying attention in English class.”
“Shakespeare never had to go to middle school, Dad. And I bet he never tried out for the basketball team, or the jousting team, or whatever they had.”
“Do you suppose Shakespeare’s first play was perfect the first time?”
“Aren’t you getting a little off the topic, Dad?”
“Well, my point is this. If you go talk to the coach and tell him what happened, what do you really have to lose? The worst thing he can tell you is what you told me. Maybe you can ask if there is some way to earn your way back onto the team. If he was going to cut you, then ask him to give you five skills you need to improve and then bring those home and show me and we’ll make a plan for how you can improve those areas of your game.”
“Dad, you’re always assuming people are going to be fair.”
“No I’m not. But I assume there is a way to get people to listen. And if you can do that, you always have a chance at solving a problem.”
“Okay, I’ll go talk to him. But if he tells me to my face I really am cut, you owe me.”
“I owe you? So that means that if things work out, then you owe me? Let’s just say you owe it to yourself to talk it out with the coach, no matter what happens. I know you can handle it, good or bad.”
Logical Thinking
Communication
Genuine Self-Esteem
Internal Discipline
Greg knew how much basketball meant to Seth and he had good friends he played with. Greg didn’t want to see Seth retreating to his room again and relying too heavily on his on-line relationships. Consequently, he was tuned into events such as tryouts and games. Without this attunement, which led to being curious about how tryouts went and how those events might be interpreted differently, his son likely would have tried to move on, convincing himself he didn’t really need to play—yet suffering a serious loss of an important part of his identity, his enjoyment and satisfaction, and his connection to friends. Kids like Seth logically seek to avoid that kind of pain, and the attuned parent needs to make sure it is not just avoided and/or denied.
If Greg was not tuned into what was going on in Seth’s life, this whole affair could have been overlooked and Seth would have held to the story he created about what happened and why. He would have lost the opportunity to play basketball, would have explained it away as something unfair that was done to him, and he likely would have been out of organized basketball, possibly thereafter.
Children are inclined to avoid that which makes them anxious, frustrated or humiliated. They are also adept at creating believable excuses for their avoiding.
A powerful emotional urge to act usually suggests an old issue of the parent is involved.
Logical Thinking
Communication
Emotional Range
If Greg did know about the try out and was sensitive to how bad Seth must feel, the interaction might have gone like this:
“Thanks For Listening”
“How did tryouts go today?” asked Greg.
Seth responded, “Tryouts started at eight and by nine the coach already had his mind made up (who he was going to keep). He had an “A” team play the “B” team and I wasn’t on either team. That really made me mad. So I didn’t even go back after lunch. (I just quit.)”
“But you love basketball.”
“Yeah. That was totally bogus, Dad. I’m a better player than lots of those guys.”
“That’s too bad. I know that must really hurt.”
“Yeah. It’s just not fair.”
“Want to talk about it?” asks Greg, putting his arm around Seth’s shoulder.
Seth looks down, clenching his fists.
“That’s not fair. You’ve worked hard on your game.” Greg gives him a hug and he can feel some of the rigidity in Seth’s muscles give way.
“I’m going to go up to my room and lie down for awhile,” says Seth, fighting to hold back the tears.
“Let me know what I can do for you,” offers Greg as Seth heads upstairs.
Greg is a loving, caring, concerned father. He knows Seth is a sensitive kid and he is careful to be there for him. He knows what a loss this is for Seth and he is tuned into Seth’s sadness and that is comforting to Seth. However, there was a great deal missed by only attending to the pain and sadness. Greg did not put this incident into perspective the way he did in the first example. As a result, he did not challenge the interpretation of events, nor did he encourage engagement.
Attunement
Greg is very tuned into feelings and is careful not to overlook them with his son. When Greg was growing up, his dad was a no-nonsense guy who expected him to tough it out. What hurt Greg was his dad’s lack of sensitivity to how he felt or what he thought. His dad assumed he knew what was right for Greg and challenged him to pursue those goals. This old wound of Greg’s made him especially sensitive to people who treated him the way his father did. It also led him to be especially sensitive to his own children. Greg did not respond to protect his relationship with Seth. Instead, he responded to Seth as he wished others would do for him. Unfortunately, in the example above, Greg’s focus on Seth’s pain was important, but only the beginning of what he needed to tune into and respond to. Therefore, Greg’s personal issues about how others treated him blinded him to being more available to see the bigger picture with Seth and what Seth’s thinking style created at the gym that morning.
Parental Issues (PI)
We need to view behavior and decisions within a broader developmental context.
Jump ahead a decade. Tess, on the other hand, did not have difficulty talking directly with the coach. In the following example, with a different kid and a different coach, Greg had to handle things quite differently:
“Don’t Treat Me That Way”
“You said what to the coach?” asked Greg.
“I told him, if he was going to treat me like that, I was done.”
“What did he say to that?”
“He said, ‘You’re done.’”
“Oh, I’m sorry kiddo. That’s a painful way for your soccer career to end.”
“Yeah,” biting her lip and holding back a tear.
“Why did you give him that ultimatum?”
“I didn’t consider it an ultimatum at the time. I was just frustrated. In front of everyone he yells, ‘Tess, get your fingers out of your ass and get moving.’ He can’t treat me like that. I work hard. He treats all the girls on the team that way. I just said it before I even thought about it. No one else talks back, because they all want to play. All he wants to do is win. He doesn’t care how any of us feel.”
“Did you go talk to him, kiddo?”
“No, I’ve had enough of him. I’ve talked to him for two years and it hasn’t done any good. He’s all-nice in his office and then when we get out on the field, he’s just the same old Coach Colin. I’ve got other things to do with my college years besides getting insulted for two hours a day and then just sitting on the bench on game day. These girls will still be my friends even if I’m not on the team anymore.”
“You sure you’re okay with this?”
“No, but I have to be. Soccer isn’t everything, Dad.”
Tess has learned to stand up for herself. Unfortunately, in this situation, she got a response she wasn’t quite expecting. Greg understands how much soccer has meant to her and that she will have to grieve a loss that came at a time, not of her choosing, but a time when she was developmentally ready for. He is proud of her for sticking up for herself, but does not need to take away the hurt or soothe her. It is clear that Tess is becoming a young woman who knows what she wants and can take care of herself. She tried, unsuccessfully, to deal with the coach, but understands that given his way of treating people, she needs to decide whether she can put up with that treatment or move on. What Tess has done here bodes well for her ability to ask for what she wants in her relationships and to recognize when they are not satisfying.
Genuine Self-Esteem
Attunement
Relatedness
Self vs. Relatedness
Children need to feel entitled to expect relationships to be fair and satisfying, to do something about them if they are not, and to tolerate moving on if necessary.
“Hockey Dad”
Greg has not always been able to deal with the pain or frustration his children must tolerate in the course of working through tough developmental challenges. In the following vignette, we learn a little about what Greg has had to learn, in this case the hard way, about the need to sort out his issues from his son’s:
“How did you get that lump on your head?”
“I was afraid you were going ask. I injured it at the hockey game,” responded Greg.
“I thought your son was the hockey player.”
“He is.”
“So?”
“So I was more involved in the game than I should have been.”
“And?”
“Well, the coach sent three shifts out on the ice, but left my son on the bench each time. He’s as good as any of those kids. Finally, I couldn’t take it, so I ran down the aisle, climbed up over the glass behind the team bench and yelled at the coach to put my kid in the game.”
“And?”
“The coach came after me yelling, “Get the hell out of here.” Then he slammed his fist into the glass and that’s the last thing I remember. My son says he had to wave his raunchy hockey glove under my nose to bring me to. I knew that smell had a purpose. He told me that I made a fool of myself and that he was handling the situation with the coach fine without me. It seems the coach wanted him to play more aggressively and start checking people. Then he laughed at me and told me, ‘The coach really checked you’.”
“So what did you figure out?”
“Well, while I was half awake on the floor of the rink, I found myself dreaming about spending the whole summer when I was seventeen, sitting on the bench, never getting to play. I just remember how painful that was.”
“Do you wish your father had talked to the coach?”
“No, I wish I had said something back then or done something about it.”
“Other than it being the wrong sport, the wrong kid, the wrong coach, and the wrong decade, I see where you were coming from.”
“Did your clinical training include teaching you to be sarcastic with your clients?”
“No, I just wanted to make sure you got the full effect of the coach’s body check. Or maybe you just bring out the best in me.”
Greg learned the hard way that his emotions could lead to an urge to act that could potentially make a mess of things, as he clearly did in this example. The hockey coach dug up old wounds from Greg’s childhood that led to his overreaction. If he were able to recognize this as a painful issue of his own and control his actions, he could have waited until after the game to ask his son how he felt about what had happened and what he wanted to do about it. This kind of insight and dialogue is likely what Greg’s father failed to provide him. As a last resort, Greg could talk to the coach if necessary, but ideally, this is a process better worked on by Seth. Greg’s job is to know what the developmental issues are, for both of them. With this awareness, he knows what challenges await his son and when his son needs to engage.
Emotional Range
Internal Discipline
Genuine Self-Esteem
Mastery is the primary source of self-esteem.
Engagement is necessary to acquire mastery.
An uncontrollable urge to act likely has some basis in our own issues.
Link to: Raise Your Parenting IQ – Chapter 3)