Sophie – Starting Over

What if Sophie gets a second chance at childhood?

We’ve seen where Sophie ended up obsessed with an untrustworthy and undependable boyfriend; headed for motherhood before she has finished eleventh grade; and unmotivated to even finish school and high more days than not. And you thought Mitch had it rough? We saw how many What If’s Sophie needed to scratch out a foothold in each part of her adolescence.

Fortunately for us, Sophie gets the ultimate What If, a chance to turn back the clock and start over. What kind of roadmap is necessary for Sophie to enter adolescence with the ability to do justice to her self-development and not desperately cling to relationships? How can she learn to calm herself, problem-solve and argue effectively rather than impulsively exploding and threatening? How can she develop her own identity and find sources of satisfaction and purpose? And finally, can she form relationships that are respectful, reciprocal, and dependable?

That’s a tall order, given what we saw in the teenage Sophie. Some might say that the Nature and Nurture decks were stacked against her. By temperament, she was a sensitive, hard to soothe child. Her parents divorced when she was not yet three. And her perfect little sister came along to make it strike three. Too many metaphors in one paragraph, you say? Well Sophie had too many of everything before she was even three.

What Does Assessment Reveal?

If we carefully assess what went wrong for Sophie, then perhaps we can work backwards to her childhood to know what needed greater emphasis developmentally. We all struggle with the Self vs. Relatedness Bind; teenagers even more so; and Sophie most of all. Her solution, as you recall, was to compromise herself to desperately hold on to relationships. Undoubtedly much of that could be attributed to Dad’s leaving, Julia’s arrival, and Mom’s unavailability. But do those need to be irreconcilable traumas? Given that worrisome outcome, we would want Sophie, the child, developing a healthy and genuine sense of self-esteem en route to adolescence.

With this family history, it is understandable that Sophie would have fairness as a central issue. The teenage Sophie railed about unfairness of her mother, her teachers, and anyone who looked at her wrong. The young Sophie obviously needs to sort out what is fair and what is not, and then become effective in making things change for the better. Logical thinking and problem solving were in short supply for the older version of Sophie, but these competencies can be developed in the younger remake. In order for her to argue or communicate effectively, she needs to learn emotional self-regulation. The teenage Sophie lacked resilience and totally depended on outside sources of soothing, whether it was the company of others, medication, or a pipe filled with marijuana. Emotional competence will need to be a high priority for young Sophie’s development. Finally, the teenage Sophie lacked direction, motivation and purpose. She attempted to be what others needed her to be, in order to stay connected. Part of the internal development we hope to see in young Sophie is the discovery of purpose. It will be Kristen’s job to help Sophie find areas of interest and talent and translate those into roles that make her feel good about herself internally instead of depending on the attention of others, an external process.

Is this a long enough list? It includes: healthy forms of relatedness (REL) and genuine self-esteem (GSE), emotional competence (EC), logical thinking (LT) and communication (COM), and finally responsibility and purpose (RES/PUR). It’s a tall order, so we better get started early.

How Will Kristen Make A MESS of Sophie?

In the following vignettes we will find a remarkably more effective Kristen than the highly stressed and reactive mother we met earlier. She will do a much better job, not only of employing an I-E-B-R Approach with Sophie, where she searches for the basis of Sophie’s behavior before responding to it, but she will also do the same for herself, better understanding her own urgency to respond, often to rescue Sophie from feared outcomes all too familiar to her from her earlier life.

This version of Kristen will make A MESS of Sophie instead of the mess we often saw in the teenage years. She will be attuned to the daughter she has, not the daughter she wishes she had. That’s Julia, in case you missed that. To be this attuned parent, she will begin with an appreciation of Sophie’s sensitive, reactive temperament that made her far more difficult to soothe than her sister. Sophie is every bit as smart as her sister, but only Kristen seems to know that at times, so she will maintain high expectations for what Sophie can accomplish in school and in terms of problem solving. She is also acutely aware of the losses Sophie has suffered, with her parents’ divorce and the arrival of a little sister just as her dad was leaving. This version of Kristen will keep Sophie’s concerns about loss and abandonment front and center when she tries to understand her daughter’s reactions to people and processes that might not have affected others so intensely. She will help Sophie recognize what she is feeling and why and then will help her translate those feelings into motivation for making changes. Both she and her daughter will work hard to analyze before acting. And last but not least, watch for how she helps Sophie find sources of responsibility and purpose. She knows she has a strong willed, passionate little girl on her hands. Rather than stifle those qualities, she will help her find effective applications for them – like rescuing and advocating for abandoned animals.

In the following vignettes, we will see how Kristen handles sibling rivalry. She will have to contain her own urge to harshly punish when she finds Sophie physically harming her little sister. Once she is able to calm herself and analyze what took place, she will be ready to help Sophie do the same. Teaching Sophie emotional competence will need to start with Kristen understanding herself emotionally. She will need to be strong enough that she can hear and tolerate Sophie’s anger instead of trying to avoid it or crush it. It would be easy for Sophie to conclude she was a bad girl for having angry feelings. If Kristen can hear the anger, they can go in search of its basis and then a solution. Kristen’s ability to do this will contrast greatly with the easily frustrated version of her during Sophie’s adolescence.

Spotting the Self vs. Relatedness Bind

The teenage Sophie had one problem after another involving accommodations made to selfish and unreliable “friends.” This newer version of Kristen will do a much better job of spotting these self vs. relatedness binds early and help Sophie analyze why she feels the need to act as she has. She will also help Sophie identify what is important for her and then balance that against what is being expected of her by these “friends.” In short, Kristen will help Sophie think her own thoughts and have her own feelings and ultimately feel a need to hold on to them even when it causes strains in relationships.

Asking Why

Fighting and ultimatums characterized the mother-daughter relationship we found in adolescence. Kristen, as mother of the young Sophie, will make the effort to find out why Sophie was upset, both through her attunement to issues and events, but also by taking the time to inquire. It’s amazing what five ‘Why?’ questions can reveal. This version of Kristen will deliver a girl into adolescence who analyzes and argues, instead of fights and alienates. Instead of the borderline bind the adolescent Sophie created in Kristin of either indulging her demands or refusing or rejecting (and abandoning) her, the newer version of Sophie will engage, problem solve and compromise. And Kristin will learn to approach Sophie with understanding and empathy to open up the possibility of listening and problem solving together.

A Bedtime Tantrum

The Bedtime Ritual affords parents rich opportunities for promoting healthy child development. Sophie is no exception. In fact, as a single mom, with little 1:1 time, bedtime was a critically important time for Sophie and Kristen. And you guessed it, Sophie’s issues of fairness, abandonment, emotional regulation will regularly emerge in the context of bedtime. This time, Kristen will be ready to make effective use of what emerges.

“I’m almost ready for bed,” Sophie called down the hall to her mother.

“That’s what you said 15 minutes ago,” her mother, Kristen, answered.

“But now I only need to brush my teeth,” Sophie said.

“Just remember,” said Kristen, “lights go out at 7:30 and it’s 7:10 right now. That only gives us 20 minutes for stories.”

“I know, I know,” Sophie chanted back. “You say that every night.”

“I’m eager to get back to the story we were reading,” her mom reminded her.

“I could skip brushing my teeth just this once,” Sophie called back, though she knew what her mom would say.

“You know the rules,” Kristen said, coming out of Sophie’s younger sister Julia’s room after putting Julia to bed. “We left off at an exciting point in our book, Sophie.”

Sophie headed to the bathroom to brush her teeth. But, easily distracted, she played with the toothpaste tube for five minutes, then the water in the sink for a few more minutes, and when she finally called down the hall to Mom that she was ready, it was 7:25.

“I’m in your bedroom Sophie,” her mom answered. As Sophie hopped into bed, her mom said, “It is 7:25 so we only have time for one short story,”

“No fair!” Sophie said. “I was just brushing my teeth. It’s not my fault that it took a while. I wanted to do a good job.”

“I’m glad you take good care of your teeth. If brushing takes that long, you will have to get started earlier so there is enough time for stories,” her mom reminded her. “Did you get distracted while you were in the bathroom?”

“Why didn’t you come get me?” Sophie said, pointing at Kristen. “You were done putting Julia to bed.”

“Coming to get you isn’t my job,” Kristen reminded her. “Sophie, it’s your responsibility to get yourself ready in time.”

“Well, I forgot what time it was,” Sophie said. “You should put a clock in the bathroom.”

“A clock in the bathroom is a great idea. Let’s remember to put one there tomorrow,” Kristen said. “In the meantime, it’s time for bed. Come on. Let’s read this story and then I’ll tuck you in.”

“NO,” Sophie said. “It’s not fair. You should have put a clock in the bathroom. And you said you like our together time at bedtime too. So let’s read two books and then tell a story and then cuddle, just like we always do. Julia’s sleeping, so you don’t have anything else to do.”

Kristen could tell there was a fit coming on. “I’m sorry, Sophie,” she said in a calm voice. “I know you are upset about not having enough time for stories. I don’t like missing them either. I like our time together, too.”

“But we NEVER have time together,” Sophie cried. “You’re always working; or with Julia; or something. I bet you left me in the bathroom because you wanted to skip our story time!”

“I love story time. But right now is your bedtime,” Kristen said.

But Sophie had worked herself into a tantrum. She slammed the door and began to kick the walls, waking up her younger sister. “See – that’s what you both get,” Sophie screamed.

From past experience, Kristen knew that Sophie needed to vent for a few minutes. She went down the hall to calm Julia. When Sophie’s screams had died down, Kristen quietly knocked on her door.

“Sophie,” she said through the door. “I know that we didn’t have much time together tonight. Why don’t you write me a letter tomorrow telling me how that made you feel.”

She thought she heard a “Grummph,” from the other side of the door. About 20 minutes later, a piece of paper slipped under Kristen’s bedroom door.

It read:

I hate wen you don’t spend tim with me. It’s not fayr. You are alwys wrking. Or wit Julia. Bedtime is the only tim for us. And you don’t evn want to be with me then. You say its my falt but its not. Its yor falt for not havng a clok. I hate you. You are a bad mom. Good moms spnd tim wth ther kids. You don’t.

Kristen gave some thought about whether she should hold to the bedtime limit and talk to Sophie in the morning, or handle the issue now. Given the kid and the circumstances, she decided to go talk sooner rather than later.

“Can I come in?” Kristen asked.

“I guess,” Sophie answered.

“I read your note,” Kristen said. “It sounds like you’re very mad at me.”

“I am,” said Sophie.

“You’re mad and hurt because we couldn’t spend our full time together for stories tonight?”

“Yeah,” said Sophie. “ ’cause it’s not fair. You say you like story time with me, but then you take it away.”

“I love story time. I am ready to read stories whenever you are ready for bed – until 7:30,” said Kristen. “You need to get enough sleep. That’s why bedtime ends at 7:30. You need to get into your P.J.’s and brush your teeth with enough time to spare so we can have our story time and still get you to bed at 7:30.”

“Well then you should have a clock in the bathroom,” said Sophie.

“Sophie, you have a clock in your room,” Kristen said, pointing. “You use it to keep track of the time while you’re in your room. How can you keep track of time in the bathroom?”

“I don’t know,” said Sophie.

Mom waited.

“I guess I could take that clock into the bathroom,” Sophie admitted.

“That’s a great idea,” said Mom with a smile. “Then you’d be solving the problem yourself, and taking responsibility for keeping track of the time. Will you try that tomorrow?”

“Sure,” said Sophie, “but can we get an extra clock for the bathroom so I don’t have to carry it back and forth?”

“Okay, sweetie. That sounds like a plan,” Mom said. “In the meantime, let’s get you all tucked in and off to sleep. It’s late.”

“I am tired,” Sophie said.

“I bet you are,” said Kristen. “Me too.”

ANALYSIS

Sophie is a challenging young lady. When she doesn’t get her way, she can really make you pay. The teenage version of Sophie consistently put people in a bind that essentially conveyed the following choice: “Indulge me or prove you don’t love me”. We can see in this vignette, her tantrum about not getting enough story time had elements of that bind. Fortunately, Kristen offered her empathy and understanding, but not indulgence. She held to the bedtime limit and tolerated the stormy reaction she knew would result. Too many parents soothe the pained child (and avoid the tantrum) only to invite the development of a coercive process where avoiding anger drives the system and limits or boundaries are repeatedly violated.

Kristen knows that Sophie cannot reason effectively in the middle of a tantrum, so she gives her time and space to calm down. By first empathizing with her and conveying an understanding of why she was upset, Sophie is then ready to hear Kristen’s take on what has happened and needs to happen. This will not be the last go-round these two have at bedtime, but it is fertile ground for the work Sophie needs to do in the areas of internal discipline (ID) and emotional competence (EC).

Writing a letter to her mom was an interesting idea. It served a number of purposes. Kristen was telling Sophie to gain enough emotional control that she can convey, in writing, what was bothering her. Not only does this process require Sophie to self-soothe enough to sit down to the task, but it is a means of calming in and of itself, because Sophie knows that her mom will read the letter and know how she is feeling and why. Writing also has the value of exposing circular reasoning to some more thorough analysis. In that sense, it tends to promote logical thinking (LT). When we read what we have written, we have a better chance to improve our objectivity. The letter writing is a wonderful means of promoting communication (COM) and emotional competence (EC).

Parenting in a Pinch

However, when it comes to an annoying little sister, a letter just isn’t going to get the message across. Sometimes, you have to take the law into your own hands. Well, at least that’s what seemed to happen in this next vignette.

“Mommmm,” Julia wailed, running into the kitchen. “Sophie pinched me. Hard. And it hurrrts!”

Kristen leaned down and saw the red mark on Julia’s upper arm. She took the crying 5-year-old into her arms and instantly felt anger at 7-year-old Sophie for intentionally hurting her younger sister.

“Sophie,” Kristen shouted. “Get in here!”

“What,” Sophie meekly peeked around the corner.

“Did you do this?” Kristen asked, pointing at the red spot on Julia’s arm.

“So,” Sophie said. “She got on my nerves.”

“So, she got on your nerves?” her mom said, her voice several octaves above normal. “So you pinched her? Look at what you did to her. See how she’s crying? You hurt her!”

“Stop screaming at me,” Sophie said.

“You hurt your sister,” Kristen said. “That’s wrong. Unacceptable. We don’t hurt each other in this house. Go to your room.”

“She wouldn’t leave me alone,” Sophie said again, her chin quivering.

“Go to your room!” Kristen screamed, her anger getting the better of her. “Now!”

Sophie threw one last hurt look at her mom and then sulked down the hall, disappearing into her room as Kristen worked to calm her crying five year old.

Half an hour later, Kristen had calmed Julia and gotten her into bed for a nap. She had taken some deep breaths and settled herself down enough to feel that she was ready to talk with Sophie without being dominated by anger.

ANALYSIS

To get to that point, Kristen sat quietly and pondered what had happened and how it made her feel. Her immediate impulse was to punish Sophie. How dare she hurt her little sister. A major developmental goal she had for Sophie was, “analyze before you act”. Pinching her sister was probably driven by emotion rather than analysis. Kristen realized she shouldn’t make the same mistake of dishing out punishment without some good analysis beforehand. For those of you keeping score, Kristen avoided an impulsive B-R solution and made use of an I-E-B-R analysis – by first looking at herself and then by questioning Sophie. Kristen quickly realized her need to punish came from her anger about how unfair and cruel Sophie’s aggression seemed to her. It violated her moral integrity and what she expected of others, especially her daughter.

As she calmed down and thought more deeply, she moved from focusing on just what Sophie had done, to the person she wanted Sophie to become – the one who would not harm her sister, even if there was no one around to find out. For Sophie to be that kind of kid, she would need to develop moral integrity, empathy, emotional competence and internal discipline. That is quite A MESS to make; a process far more complicated than spanking her and sending her to her room. Ultimately, Kristen wanted Sophie to have the same curiosity about herself and her motivations as she was doing in that moment. Asking Sophie to talk about what happened would be a good start in developing that curiosity.

With that in mind, Kristen knocked on Sophie’s door.

“Can I come in?” she asked. She tried to show through her voice that she had calmed down.

“I guess,” said Sophie meekly.

Kristen sat next to Sophie on her bed, noticing that Sophie was holding tightly to her favorite stuffed animal, an elephant she called Hobo.

“Is Hobo sad?” Kristen asked, seeing that Sophie obviously looked pretty sad.

“Yeah,” said Sophie. “I’m helping him feel better.”

“I can see that,” said Kristen. “Hobo’s lucky to have you to hold him. Do you need someone to give you a hug too?”

“No, I have Hobo,” said Sophie.

“Okay,” said her mom. Then she paused. “I’d like to understand what happened out there with you and Julia,” she said. “Do you think you can explain it to me?”

“I did,” said Sophie. “She got on my nerves. And she wouldn’t stop. She deserved it. If she would have left me alone, I wouldn’t have had to pinch her.”

Sophie looked at Kristen defiantly and Kristen could feel herself getting angry again. She felt the urge to launch into a ‘How dare you’ lecture. But instead, she took another deep breath.

“Sounds like you were really frustrated with Julia. Tell me how she got on your nerves,” Kristen asked.

“She was following me around. She wouldn’t leave me alone. I don’t like it when people bug me. Sometimes I just like to be left alone.”

“You like your own space,” said Kristen.

“Yeah,” Sophie said.

“I can understand that Julia’s following you bothered you,” Kristen said. “She likes to be with you. So that’s not new. I don’t understand why you got so angry today.”

“I just did,” Sophie said.

“Did something happen to make you particularly angry today?” Kristen asked.

“Yeah, she kept saying she wanted me to play with her,” Sophie said.

“You do have lots of good ideas for things to do when you play,” said Kristen.

“No I don’t,” Sophie said angrily.

“Why do you say that?” asked Kristen.

“Because I don’t. Julia’s always the one who does things right. I’m the one who gets in trouble. “

“Like today?” Kristen asked.

Sophie nodded and hugged her elephant tighter.

“Everybody gets in trouble sometimes,” Kristen reminded Sophie. “Remember when Julia ate all of Grandma’s chocolates?”

“Yeah,” said Sophie. “But that’s the only time.”

“No,” said her mom. “There have been others. But you feel like you get in trouble more than Julia.”

“I do,” said Sophie resolutely.

“Why do you think that happens?” her mom asked with genuine curiosity.

“Julia says I’m mean. She’s good and I’m bad. That’s always the way it is,” Sophie said.

“Who thinks you’re bad?” her mom asked.

“Julia, Hobo, and me,” said Sophie.

“Hobo thinks you’re bad?” Kristen asked.

“Yeah. He’s sad ‘cause I get in trouble all the time,” Sophie said.

“I don’t think you are bad,” said Kristen. “I think both you and Julia are neat kids. Everyone makes mistakes. That doesn’t make us bad.”

“It makes ME bad,” said Sophie.

“Pinching Julia was bad behavior, but it does not mean you are a bad person,” Kristen said.

“Only bad people pinch their little sisters. You got really mad at me, but you didn’t pinch me,” Sophie said.

“There was a good reason you were mad at Julia. There was a good reason I was mad at you. But being mad does not have to turn into hitting or pinching or spanking,” Kristen said.

“Were you mad enough to spank me, Mom?” Sophie asked.

“You could tell I was really mad, couldn’t you?” Kristen said. “Everybody feels like hitting when they are really mad, but they can learn to control that. You can learn to not hit or pinch when you are mad.”

“Julia doesn’t get mad all the time like I do. She doesn’t hit and pinch like I do,” Sophie said. “I’m always in trouble.”

“You care about whether things are fair. You get mad when things aren’t the way you think they should be. I like that about you. Now you need to learn to take all those strong feelings you have and make good use of them,” Kristen said.

“Being mad at Julia isn’t going to go away, Mom,” Sophie said.

“I’ll bet you can come up with some creative ways to handle the times when she is bugging you,” Kristen said.

“I just don’t like it when she won’t leave me alone,” Sophie repeated.

“She wants to play with you because she likes you,” Kristen said.

“But I hurt her,” Sophie said.

“Yes, you did. How did it feel when you heard her crying?”

“Not so good,” said Sophie.

“It’s sad to see someone cry,” agreed Kristen. “Especially someone you care about,” she said.

“Yeah,” said Sophie. “I’m sorry I pinched her.”

“I bet Julia would appreciate hearing you say you’re sorry when she wakes up,” Kristen said.

“Okay,” said Sophie. “I’ll tell her.”

“Thanks,” said Kristen. “Would you like a hug now?”

“Yeah,” said Sophie. “Hobo would like a hug from you too.”

“Okay,” Kristen said. “You got it.”

ANALYSIS:

What is your first impulse when you witness your child intentionally harming their little brother or sister? Grab ‘em and spank ‘em? Hold that impulse; or rather hold that feeling. What you felt in that situation gives you a window in on the feeling or impulse your little ‘criminal’ just acted upon. Part of becoming civilized is learning to tolerate those impulses, but not act on them. That is part of the moral integrity (MI) we want to develop in our kids. Kristen really has her hands full with Sophie, who is sensitive, reactive and can easily feel wronged. In this case, Sophie is also feeling like she is a bad kid, which is not only damaging to her self-esteem, but leaves her feeling she has little control over her “bad” behavior.

Kristen managed her rage in the moment by sending Sophie to her room. As you could tell, she was in no shape to do anything constructive with Sophie in the midst of feeling that angry. Sophie did not miss the fact that her mom, despite how angry she was, did not lash out at her physically. Although Sophie used that comparison to support her conviction that she was “bad”, Kristen used it to remind Sophie that everyone gets angry, but people can learn to control their behavior. This vignette was a great teaching opportunity for the development of emotional competence (EC). Too many people blur the line between emotion and behavior, often to the point where they assume that angry feelings are a sign of being bad. Kristen was helping Sophie keep feelings and behavior separate.

She was also keeping character and behavior separate as well. The teenage Sophie was coming to believe that she was a bad person because of her angry feelings and “bad” behavior. Kristen has her work cut out for her this time around, but she will try to help Sophie recognize that we are entitled to our thoughts and feelings. It is our behavior we need to control. Sophie exhibited “bad” behavior, but that does not mean she is a “bad” person. Kristen will probably find herself saying this line over and over: “I love you, but I don’t love that behavior”.

Not only was the introduction of Julia into her life a major blow, but the exit of her father was a huge loss as well. We witnessed the repercussions of that loss in the desperate attempts of the teenage Sophie to hold on to her deadbeat boyfriend. That version of Sophie did not trust that she was lovable just for who she was. She shifted from bouts of self-loathing to angry blaming of mother and sister for ruining her life. But they were the only ones in her life it was safe to hate, because everywhere else, her anger threatened another abandonment, like the one she was still reeling from with her dad. Fortunately, the second time around, Kristen and her ex did a better job of handling the aftermath of their divorce.

Dad Time

Every other weekend Sophie looked forward to seeing her father for “Dad time.” Her parents’ divorce had taken place so long ago – when Sophie was almost 4 and Julia was not yet 2 – it seemed to Sophie that life had always been this way. Her dad called every Wednesday after dinner to chat with her and Julia and they stayed with him every other weekend. Her parents got along, communicated well, and the relationship was cordial. Life was okay this way.

During their weekends together, Dad and Sophie and Julia prepared and ate and cleaned up meals together, went to see movies, and often went to local parks to play. Overall, their time together was very positive. Sophie had had occasional tantrums when Dad worked to enforce the homework rules that Mom had put into place, but Dad had been gentle and firm in handling Sophie’s angry limit testing, and held a united front with Mom about enforcing rules.

However, just after Sophie turned 9, she seemed to enter a new phase. Here’s a look at what happened one weekend in June.

“I don’t want to go to the park again,” Sophie said as she and Dad and Julia finished wiping the table after their Saturday lunch together. “Julia always gets to do what SHE wants to do and I never get to do what I want to do.”

“Really? I thought you loved to go to the park to play,” her Dad, Kent said. Sophie had always seemed to like their playground time together.

“I’m too old for the swings,” Sophie said. “And the sprinklers, and the climbing things. Those are all for the little kids. But that’s what we always do. Every time.”

“So now you’re a big kid?” Dad asked, catching on.

“Well, yeah,” Sophie answered, like it should have been obvious.

“Yeah, now that you mention it, you do look older. And taller,” Kent said. “So what do big kids like to do instead of going to the park?”

“Oh, you know. Go to the mall. Shop. Big kid stuff,” Sophie said, waving her arms in a dramatic flair.

“Malls are BORING,” Julia sounded in. “You said we’d go to the playground today!”

“See,” said Sophie.

“I do see,” said Kent. “It sounds like we have a conflict. What do you think we can do about it?”

“Go to the mall,” said Sophie.

“NO,” said Julia. “You PROMISED the park!”

“If I go to the park, I’ll HATE it,” Sophie countered, starting to sound angry.

“I hear both of you,” Kent said. He sat down on the couch and motioned for them both to join him. “Tell you what. Let’s be problem solvers. Plan makers!”

“I want The Mall!” “The Park!” both girls shouted at once.

“Ok. You each want something that the other person does not want. That’s a dilemma. I am going to leave the two of you to figure out what to do with our day, and then you come find me after the two of you can agree on what that will be,” their dad said.

“Daaaaaad,” whined both girls simultaneously as he left them on the couch and headed for the kitchen and another cup of coffee.

Fifteen minutes later, his girls appeared, ready to tell him what they had concluded.

“We are going to the park,” Sophie said.

“Yeah,” said Julia. “That’s what we decided, Dad.”

“I thought you didn’t want to go to the park, Sophie,” her dad reminded her.

“Well I don’t. But Julia really wants to go and I really want to talk to you about some stuff, so we agree on a good deal,” Sophie said.

“And what is that?” Kent asked.

“Julia is going to play on her favorite (equipment) and you and I are going to talk – alone,” Sophie said.

“Yeah. Watch out Dad. She has a bunch of stuff to talk to you about,” warned Julia.

“Well, let’s get going,” Kent said, as he grabbed his cap and sunglasses.

It became abundantly clear to Kent from what Sophie had orchestrated (not just the content of her requests) that she wanted more alone time with her dad. She was getting older and had interests that differed from her sister’s, but the primary wish that came through was a longing for time with just him, without having to share him with her sister. The judge had set the visitation schedule for the girls, but as he thought about the arrangement, he began to realize that the arrangement didn’t allow for attending to each of his daughters as unique individuals.

That night he called his ex-wife and they discussed his talk with Sophie. To his pleasant surprise, she said she missed having time alone with each of the girls too. Although having every other weekend free was kind of a treat for each of them, they agreed that the one-on-one time with the girls would be good for everyone. They agreed to alternate one-on-one weekends with each of the girls.

ANALYSIS:

Without careful attunement, it would be easy to assume that Sophie’s many fights with her sister were the result of a “difficult child”, a child with a temperament that was often irritable. But digging a little deeper yielded a set of richer explanations. Sophie had strong reactions to the birth of Julia, which meant her secure place in the family with Mom and Dad had been upended. And her parents’ divorce was another loss of what she previously trusted to be her world and her relationships. There was good reason why Sophie reacted strongly to losses and things she called “unfair”.

We easily forget how powerful those losses are for a child. In their book, “Siblings without Rivalry”, Faber and Mizlish offer a metaphor for what it must feel like to a child to have a new sibling introduced into the family. Imagine your spouse comes home one day and says, “I have fallen in love with someone new … S/He going to come live with us … At night she can share our bed … Since you’ve gotten too big for your clothes, we’ll give them to her/him … and (need to hear more?)

Fairness for Sophie could be wanting as much as she saw her sister getting, but ultimately it wasn’t being treated the same as her sister – it was being treated like a unique individual. These girls were not only different ages with different interests; they were different kids with different personalities. Sophie really needed one-on-one time with each of her parents when they could tune into what was unique about her. With Sophie, issues begin and end with relatedness (REL). That has to be right in her life or nothing is right. Her parents learned that early and every once in a while they have to be reminded of it. The one-to-one time will allow for empathy (EMP) and understanding that will either head off some of her “it’s just not fair” tantrums, or will help them make sense of them earlier in the process when they do arise.

Genuine self-esteem (GSE) develops in a child who knows she is loved and valued for who she is. Attempts to treat two kids equally or finding activities that work for both overlooks this need for appreciating the child’s uniqueness. Kent and Kristen’s efforts to find one-on-one time for each of their daughters was an important recognition of this developmental need.

Mom and Sophie Teatime

The changes that allowed for one-to-one time with their dad were long overdue, in hindsight. Actually, Kristen had already begun to do something similar for herself and Sophie. The year before, Sophie had started throwing more tantrums, especially at bedtime. Sophie complained loudly that Kristen was not spending enough time with her and, even more significantly, regularly told Kristen that it seemed like she didn’t want to spend time with her. Although she recognized that Sophie was venting her frustration, it didn’t change the fact that Kristen was a single mother with limited time for everything and everybody in her life. It was hard to make time for special, nurturing activities, since most of their time together was devoted to the daily activities of meals, homework, preparing for school, and bedtime.

Kristen wanted to give Sophie special time together, time when Sophie wasn’t feeling pushed by her to get things done, or feeling as if the activity was based on Sophie’s behavior or speed in finishing homework or teeth brushing. So Kristen established Mom and Sophie Teatime. Before the changes Kristen and her ex made with weekends, she had already carved out special time for Sophie. On weekends, Kristen set aside two hours on Saturday afternoon for her and Sophie. The teenager next door babysat for Julia while Mom and Sophie held their teatime. Now, knowing that Sophie was not one for dainty tea parties, instead being more of an explorer and adventuress, Kristen had put a special spin on the idea. She’d bought special mugs for each of them, and a thermos for the tea. Then they took their teatime on the road. Each was held in a different place, which she and Sophie chose together – the park, the mall, the zoo, the pet store, and once a recycling warehouse where they’d taken a tour.

Kristen realized how important this time was to Sophie, so she’d decided not to tie it to behavior. She felt that Sophie’s trust that time with her mother was unconditional was key. Given the fact that Sophie regularly tested limits with her behavior, sometimes seeming to test her mother’s commitment to her, Kristen decided to work on solidifying that trust with this regular activity. Only an ‘Act of God’ would prevent it.

While these outings certainly helped Kristen’s relationship with Sophie, there were of course, still challenges to deal with. Here’s what happened one day while Sophie and Kristen were having teatime in a small grove near an outdoor mall.

“Look,” shouted Sophie, pointing at one of the big oaks nearby.

“What do you see?” asked Kristen, who always marveled at the way Sophie noticed things.

“Baby squirrels. See?” Sophie got up and ran over to the tree. Sure enough there were two baby squirrels huddled in the nook of the tree. “Where’s their Mama?” Sophie asked.

“Oh, how cute!” said Kristen, coming closer. “I imagine their Mama’s around somewhere nearby.”

“But these babies aren’t in a nest. And they look scared,” said Sophie. “What if the Mama left them? Or got killed by a car? And now they’re all alone.”

“That would be terrible,” said Kristen.

“Yeah,” said Sophie. “Hear their sounds. They’re crying.”

“You think they sound sad?” Kristen asked.

“Yeah. Or hungry. Or both,” Sophie said.

Kristen said, “Maybe the Mama’s off getting food for them?”

“No, the babies should be in their nest then, not here. I think the Mama is gone,” Sophie said, her voice cracking.

“If that is the case, I can see why you are worried about them,” Kristen said.

“We need to rescue them,” Sophie said. “They’ll die if they stay here. Look how much they’re shaking. They’re scared. I’m gonna pick them up.” Sophie started toward the squirrels.

“Sophie,” Kristen said, putting her hand on Sophie’s shoulder. “We can’t. There are important reasons not to touch them. Leaving your scent on them may upset the mother when she comes back. Or if they are sick, and they bite you, you’ll get sick too.”

“They’re not sick, Mom. They’re just scared. And alone. And nobody’s gonna help them but me. And if I don’t help them they’ll die.”

“I can see how worried you are about them. That’s really good that you care so much about their safety,” Kristen said. “But its my job to keep you safe. So I need you to keep some distance while me make a plan about how to see about these baby squirrels, but keep you safe at the same time.”

“If you don’t let me help them that’ll be like murder. Is that what you want?”

“Whoa,” said Kristen. “Hold on.”

“No!” Sophie shouted. This startled the squirrels and they scampered up the tree.

“See what you’ve done,” Sophie shouted at her Mom. “You made me scare them away. Now they’re gonna die!”

Sophie broke down wailing, punching at her mom, out of control. Passersby began to stare. Kristen felt embarrassment and anger creeping in but she forced herself to push the feelings away and focus on what Sophie was going through.

“Come here,” she said, gently but firmly gathering Sophie in her arms and holding her. “I know you’re upset. You’re worried about the squirrels. I’m going to hold you until you can calm down. Then we’ll talk about it. Try to take some deep breaths, Sophie.”

After she calmed down a bit, Kristen asked, “What are you worried will happen (to the squirrels)?”

“Well. Some hawk might swoop down and snatch them. Or they won’t be able to find food. Or they’ll be sad because something happened to their mother,” Sophie explained, with many more fears where those came from.

“Ok. So you worry that a hawk might grab them and they might go hungry and their mother might be missing?” she summarized.

“So what are we going to do, Mom?” Sophie asked.

“Well. What do you think keeps hawks away?” her mom asked.

“Scarecrows? No that’s for crows,” Sophie said.

“I think people scare hawks away,” her mom reminded her.

“So while we are around, the hawks will stay away?” Sophie asked.

“I think so,” her mom said. “Do you see any hawks up there (pointing toward the sky)?”

“I guess not. But as long as that big pigeon is sitting over there, I don’t think the squirrels have much to worry about,” Sophie reasoned.

“Aren’t you worried about the pigeon?” her mom asked.

“No. He’s a grown up. He chose to sit on that park bench (out in the open),” Sophie said.

“Ok. So the next worry was …?” her mom began.

“Food. That they won’t find food,” Sophie said.

“Well. Do you have any squirrel food in your backpack?” her mom asked.

“Hey. I’ve got some peanuts and popcorn,” Sophie said.

“Well, if you want to share your food, you could put some in the part of the tree where they sitting,” her mom said. “We know they can get to that.”

“I’m still worried about them,” Sophie said.

“Let’s sit here for half an hour and keep an eye on them. If you are still worried, we can call a squirrel expert on the phone and ask them what to do,” her mom suggested.

“I know who we’ll call. Grandma is a squirrel expert. She watches the squirrels outside her window all day,” Sophie recalled.

“Ok. Shall we watch or shall we call her,” Sophie’s mom asked.

“Let’s call her. She’ll know what to do,” Sophie said.

ANALYSIS:

Kristen knew better than to simply dismiss Sophie’s worries. She recognized that Sophie’s fears about the baby squirrels were her own fears about loss and abandonment. To simply dismiss her fears as unfounded or “don’t worry” would have felt to Sophie like an abandonment. Instead, Kristen patiently walked her through a process of handling her fears without impulsively acting on her first assumption. Kristen was helping her apply logical thinking (LT) to help her self-soothe her fear. She helped her tolerate her urgency and stay engaged while she found better answers to her fears. She had empathy (EMP) for Sophie just as Sophie did for the squirrels, but she combined it with some effective problem solving and when appropriate, limit setting. She stopped Sophie from risking harm, even though that challenged what Sophie desperately felt was needed at the moment. However, she calmly gave Sophie a rationale for the limit setting, instead of “no, don’t do that.” As we can see, Sophie can be rather emotional and irrational when she is caught up in the loss/abandonment panic mode. However, with calm reassurance, Kristen was able to get her to a calmer state where she was more rational and reasonable. Knowing these two parts of Sophie has helped Kristen avoid huge conflicts and regrettable actions by both of them.

One thing is certain, if Kristen misses one opportunity to deal with significant issues and promote developmental work, another one will come along in no time. That was the case in the next vignette involving a homeless kitten.

Cat Discussion

Poor Kristen. It is hard enough to parent a difficult child like Sophie when you have a supportive partner at your side. Doing it alone is infinitely more challenging. To her credit, when a homeless kitten shows up in their lives, Kristen found a way to do some effective work in the areas of emotional regulation, for both of them. Kristen had to find a way to bear the anger coming her way in order to think rationally about the basis for that anger and how to speak to the issues behind it, rather than immediately trying to quiet the anger and make the problem go away. Even though she could have ended “the problem” quickly, with justification, Kristen willingly allowed for an extended engagement with the problem. In so doing, she promoted some very effective problem solving, communication, and emotional control on Sophie’s part. The whole process was quite a counter balance to the typical experience of “that’s not fair”. In the course of handing “the problem” Sophie experienced her mother’s empathy, tolerated the lack of indulgence, and make another small step in the direction of trust.

“IT’S NOT FAIR!” Sophie screamed.

“You’re waking up the neighbors,” her mom said.

“But you NEVER give me what I want,” Sophie yelled slightly less loudly. “You ALWAYS give Julia what she wants. (But) not me!”

“Sophie. How can you say that?” Kristen responded.

“Why won’t you let me have a cat?” Sophie asked. “I want a CAT. I’ve wanted a cat for my whole life. You always say no. NO. NOOO! It’s not FAIR!” Sophie was building into a full-fledged tantrum.

“I’m ready to talk about it with you,” her mom said. “But we can only have a conversation when you are calm. When you scream like that it hurts my ears. I bet it hurts Mr. Wallace’s ears upstairs. And Mrs. Grant’s ears next door. ”

”I don’t care!” Sophie screamed and stomped on the floor. I HATE YOU!”

“I understand that you’re mad,” her mom said. “It’s okay to be mad. But it’s not okay to kick and scream so loudly that it disturbs other people.”

“Well, it’s your fault we live in this dumb apartment with these dumb neighbors,” Sophie yelled with another round of stomps. “And I can scream if I WANT TO.”

“It looks like you’re too upset for a talk,” Kristen said. “I’m going to go into the other room to pay some bills. When you’re calm, come find me.” Kristen walked out of the room.

Sophie followed her into the other room. “See,” she yelled. “You’re just running away from me. You don’t love me! You just lie,” Sophie bellowed, getting in Kristen’s face.

“Sophie, I cannot talk with you when you’re this upset. You need to calm down first. Then we can talk. Here’s our promise card.” Kristen handed Sophie a printout of a photograph of her and Sophie together. On the card was written Good for One 30 Minute Listening Session. This is something they put into effect when Sophie was too irrational to talk. Sometimes it helped Sophie to calm down, having this tangible IOU note with the photo of her with her mother in a calm, happy state.

“It’s our IOU. Our promise,” said Kristen, “I’ll be here when you’re ready.” She then proceeded to take the bills out and sat down at the table. But Sophie followed her, continuing to scream.

Kristen calmly picked up the bills and went into her bedroom. She stood firmly at the open door. “You cannot follow me when you’re screaming,” she said firmly. “This is my space. Just like your room is your space. When you are calm, you can come in here and talk with me.” She pointed to the card. “But not until then.”

Sophie knew her mother meant it. She stormed back down the hallway.

After about 20 minutes, Kristen saw the card fall onto the floor near the doorway. “Come on in,” she told Sophie. “Are you feeling better?” she asked, when Sophie had situated herself on the bed.

Sophie shrugged.

“It looks like you’ve done a good job of calming yourself down. I know that’s not easy,” Kristen said. “What did you do to settle yourself down?”

“Talked to Hobo,” Sophie said.

“That’s a good idea,” Kristen responded.

“He’s the only friend I have,” Sophie said with an edge. “Unless I get a cat. I could calm down a lot better with a cat.”

“I guess you’re ready to talk about that now,” Kristen said.

“Does that mean you’re going to finally give me a cat?” Sophie asked.

“No, that means we’re going to discuss it.”

“Discussing is a waste of time. Discussing is just another word for you telling me WHY you can’t give me a cat. What good does that do?”

“Discussing is a way of finding solutions,” Kristen said. “It’s when two people talk about a problem and try to find something that works for both of them, so they both feel happy, or at least okay with things. That’s how adults, or at least some adults, work things out.”

“Well, I’ll feel okay with things IF YOU GET ME A CAT,” Sophie said slowly, just to make sure there was no misunderstanding. “But you NEVER get me what I want. Ever!”

“When you tell me that I NEVER give you what you want, it feels like you’re fighting. Like you’re attacking me – with words, instead of talking about a cat.” Kristen told her gently. “When we discuss things, we don’t try to hurt the other person with words. Instead, we talk about the issue that we’re discussing. So, what’s the issue we wanted to discuss?” she asked.

“A cat,” said Sophie. “Getting a cat.”

“Right,” said Kristen. “So let’s focus our discussion on that. Did you know that I like cats too?” she said. “When I was around your age, I had a very similar argument with my own parents. I wanted a cat and they said no to me, because Grandpa is allergic to cats.”

“That’s sad,” said Sophie.

“Yes, it made me very sad,” Kristen said. “I wanted a cat as much as you do now.”

“Really?” asked Sophie.

“Really,” said Kristen.

“But nobody here is allergic to cats, so there’s nothing to stop us from getting one. I’ll take good care of it, I promise,” Sophie pleaded.

“You are great with animals,” her mom agreed. “But, our apartment building has rules. And one of the rules is No Pets. That’s why we can’t have a cat.”

“Well, that’s a stupid rule,” Sophie said. “Let’s just move somewhere else.”

“Moving costs a lot of money, and is very difficult to do,” her Mom said. “We can’t do that. Besides this is a nice building and it’s close to your school. It’s a good place to be.”

“Not if they don’t let us have pets,” said Sophie.

“Why do you think the people who run our building made that rule?” her mom asked.

“I don’t know. If I owned an apartment building, I’d let everyone have pets!” Sophie said.

“Really,” said her mom. “Say you own an apartment building and you have one lady living there who has loud, barking dogs. And another who has 10 cats who don’t always remember to use the litter box. What would happen?”

“Well, dogs are loud. But cats are quiet,” Sophie said. “So cats won’t disturb the neighbors.”

“What would the apartments smell like if the lady’s 10 cats forgot to use the litter box?” Kristen asked.

“I’d make sure MY cat used the litter box,” Sophie said.

“I’m not saying you wouldn’t,” her mom said. “But we’re talking about why the rules were made. I want you to understand why the managers of our building established those rules.”

“Because it would smell bad,” Sophie said.

“Right,” her mom said. “And would Only the one lady’s apartment smell terrible, or would the smell spread and make other apartments smell bad too?”

“I don’t know,” said Sophie.

“I think the bad smell would spread,” Kristen said. “And it would bother a lot of people. Pets are nice, but they can create noise and odors, and they can also do a lot of damage to apartments. Cats have claws that can scratch wood and paint. The owners want their building to stay in good shape.”

“Well, what if we clip our cat’s claws so it can’t scratch. And PROMISE that our cat will use the litter box every time. And PROMISE to keep things clean. Then there’s no reason why we can’t have a cat. Right?”

“If it were my decision, I would consider your offer,” her mom said. “But it’s not my decision.”

“Well, why don’t we ask the owners?” asked Sophie.

“What if everyone in the building asked the owners to break the rules just for them?” her mom answered.

“Then they could show that they were very nice people,” said Sophie.

“They would have a lot of problems on their hands,” said Kristen.

“So you’re not going to ask them if we can have a cat, even if I took really good care of it,” Sophie said. “I told you this discussion wouldn’t do any good. It was just a waste of time!”

“You are free to call the owners and ask about a cat. But their answer will be ‘no’. I think you and I should find some good compromise,” Kristen said. “Find something that WILL work.”

“Like what?” asked Sophie. “You just said we couldn’t get a cat.”

“I don’t think the apartment owners will break the rules about No Cats,” Kristen said. “Even with a responsible person like you taking care of the cat. But I have some valuable information that might help you figure out a good compromise.”

“What’s that?” asked Sophie, intrigued with her mom’s hushed, conspiratorial voice.

“I happen to know that Mr. Wallace upstairs has a parakeet for a pet,” Kristen said. “So that means that somebody figured out a way to have a pet in this building. What do you think of that?”

“That’s not fair,” exclaimed Sophie. “How come he can have a pet and I can’t?”

“Why don’t you go upstairs and ask him how he got what he wanted,” Kristen suggested.

And so she did. And within the hour she was back at Kristen’s door, ready to continue their ‘problem solving’.

“Mr. Wallace said he wanted a dog, but the building people said he couldn’t,” began Sophie.

“And?” Kristen asked.

“Well, he told them he was going to move to an apartment that allowed dogs,” Sophie said. “And then they said, he could have a pet if it was quiet and stayed in a cage.”

“Hmmm. So that’s why he has a parakeet?” Kristen asked.

“Yeah. He said he wanted a pet to keep him company. Don’t tell anybody, but Mr. Wallace lets his bird out so he can sit on his shoulder,” Sophie said.

“So what do you think of that?” Kristen asked.

“Well. I’m happy for Mr. Wallace. He got a pet. But I can’t keep a cat in a cage. That wouldn’t be fair,” Sophie said.

“Now you know what the possibilities are. They just don’t include cats, dogs, bears, or lions,” her mom said.

“I think we should move, so I can have a cat,” Sophie said.

“I think you should figure out what will work best for you while you live in this apartment building,” Kristen said. “Because moving is not an option.”

After several days of thinking and pleading, Sophie came to Kristen with the following request:

“Can I get a hamster? We’ve got a hamster at school and he’s really cute and cuddly and doesn’t make any noise,” Sophie explained.

“As long as we can agree on some rules about how you are going to take care of him, I think that is a good idea,” Kristen said. “I know you still want a cat, but I know people who love their pet hamsters.”

ANALYSIS:

Do you think Kristen made A MESS of a messy situation? Sophie backed her into a corner, as she so often did, of having to choose between indulging things unreasonable or harshly rejecting her requests. Allowing her to have a cat or move to a new apartment were unreasonable demands, but Sophie left no room for compromise. She said it herself, “(If you don’t, that means) You don’t love me”. That’s a brutal bind for Kristen. Sophie was saying that not getting the cat was a message of not being listened to and loved, it would feel to her like an abandonment (or what we psychologists like to call, an empathic failure). Fortunately, Kristen did not enter into the bind Sophie created, between mother and daughter, about whether she was loved or not loved. Instead, Kristen empathized with Sophie but returned the conflict to Sophie where it belonged. She sympathized with Sophie’s longing. In fact, told her she once shared that same longing. But told her that she needed to figure out something that would work, given the limits of where they lived. She empathized, but did not indulge.

So how was this A MESS? Kristen’s assessment of Sophie led her to recognize the longing, the irrational request, and where it was coming from. She also knew that developmentally, Sophie needed to learn to tolerate these intense longings, as she figured out reasonable solutions to them, instead of demanding external solutions. On another level, she needed to learn that failure to grant her wishes was not abandonment. Her mother cared about her feelings and wanted a happy solution to her longing, but she would not just give her what she demanded to quiet her demands. The process Kristen created allowed Sophie to stay engaged in a process of logical thinking (LT) or problem solving and communication (COM). Kristen did not abandon Sophie in this process, but she did not indulge her either. She appreciated how she felt (EMP), and encouraged her to persist – to stay engaged and make her own MESS.

Dad’s Turn to Discuss Cats

“My birthday’s coming up, you know,” Sophie told her Dad the next time she visited.

“Is it now?” Dad said.

“Were you maybe wondering what to get me?” Sophie asked.

“Oh, I had some things in mind,” Kent told her.

“Oh, yeah?” Sophie said. “What?”

“You’ll have to wait and see,” Kent said with a smile.

“But what if it’s something I don’t want,” said Sophie. “Then I might be sad. And you want me to be happy, right? Like the most happy kid I could be. Don’t you?”

“Of course….” Kent said, sensing something coming.

“Then I know what you can get me for my birthday that would make me the happiest kid in the whole world,” Sophie said.

“I thought you were pretty happy already,” Kent said.

“I’m not as happy as I could be,” Sophie replied.

“Really?” he said. “And now, I’m supposed to ask you what it is that would make you the happiest kid in the world?”

“Well, as long as you asked…” Sophie said. “But first I have a question.”

“Okay,” said Kent. “Ask away.”

“Well, you don’t live in an apartment building,” Sophie stated.

“That’s not a question,” Kent said. “But it’s a true statement. This is a duplex. It’s a house attached to another house.”

“So they don’t have rules here like in apartments?” asked Sophie.

“I have my own rules here,” her dad said with a smile.

“But you don’t have a rule that says, No Pets,” Sophie stated.

“Hmm,” Kent said, sensing what was coming. “Where is this going?”

“I want a cat,” Sophie stated.

“Ahh,” her dad said. “And your apartment building has a No Pets rule, so you can’t have a cat there.”

“Yeah, but I could have a cat Here,” Sophie said.

“Ah, I see,” he said. He paused, knowing what he had to say next would be hard for Sophie. “This is a big request, Sophie. And a big decision,” Kent said. “Because who would be taking care of this cat during the times when you’re not here?”

“You could take care of the cat,” Sophie said. “It’d be fun.”

Kent could tell Sophie was trying to be positive and encouraging, but he caught the edge in her voice that told him that she had so much riding on this emotionally that she could easily break down.

“Sophie,” he said. “You know how much I love animals. We go to the zoo all the time. I know how much you love animals too. So I understand how much you’d love to have a cat. And I can imagine how frustrating it is to you that you can’t have one at the apartment.”

He paused. “But I need you to think about the fact that I travel a lot for my job. Often, I’m gone all week and I’m only here on the weekends. Since you’re here only on weekends, you may have forgotten that. But my duplex is empty for most of the week.”

“So?” Sophie said, the edge in her voice heightening.

“What would that mean for a cat, living here all alone?” Kent asked, wanting Sophie to come to the conclusion herself.

“I could come over here and take care of it when you’re gone,” Sophie said, louder than she needed to.

“Sophie,” Kent said. “How would that work? Your mom won’t have time to drive you here several times a week.”

“The neighbors could take care of it,” she said.

Kent paused.

“I know what you’re doing,” Sophie suddenly screamed, standing up.

Kent tried to put his hand on her shoulder to calm her down, but she pushed him away.

“I tried to have a discussion,” Sophie screamed. “Just like Mom said big kids should do – discuss things. I was nice and I talked about it all quiet like I was supposed to. But all you did was say no. Just like Mom did. You both said ‘no’. Didn’t you? Didn’t you?”

Sophie challenged Kent to answer, but he just stood there with a sad look on his face.

“I hate you,” Sophie screamed at him. “I hate you. You never give me anything I want. Ever. You just want me to go away. So you can do your dumb job all the time. I hate you and your dumb job.” Sophie broke down into sobs.

Kent took a deep breath. “I think if I were you, I’d be feeling the same way,” he said quietly, moving closer to Sophie. “I understand why you’re so mad and frustrated. I can see how much you want a pet cat.”

“Go away,” Sophie sobbed.

“Okay,” Kent said. “I’ll give you some space to calm down. I’ll be right in the other room.”

After a while, Kent heard that Sophie’s sobs had turned to sniffles. He peeked around the corner. “I think this might be a good time for you to write me a letter,” he said. “You can tell me how you feel.” He handed her a piece of paper and pencil.

After a while, a paper airplane floated around the corner and landed on the floor near Kent’s chair. He unfolded it and read:

“You don’t care abwt me at all. If you cared abwt me, you wld get me a cat. But you care abwt ur job a lot mor then me. I will nevr be happy agan and its all ur folt.“

Kent took the letter and sat down next to Sophie on the floor.

“I read your letter,” he said. “But I do care about you, very much.” He touched her shoulder. “Do you believe me?”

Sophie shrugged.

“It’s true,” he said. “But if I quit my job to stay home to take care of a cat, I wouldn’t be able to pay for the house. I wouldn’t have a home to live in or for you to come to. The cat wouldn’t have a home either,” he said.

Sophie sighed.

“I called your mom while you were in here. She told me that you and she had decided to get a hamster, and that the apartment owners had said that it was okay. That’s exciting news.” Kent didn’t mention the fact that Sophie hadn’t told him this information before. He wanted to focus on the issue at hand. “Can I meet your hamster once you get it?” he asked.

“I guess,” said Sophie. “But it won’t be as good as a cat,” she said.

“I understand,” Kent said. “But it will be fun for you to have a pet at home, won’t it?”

“Yeah,” Sophie said.

“You know, a lot of times, kids have smaller pets when they’re young and then they get bigger pets when they’re older or grown up,” Kent said.

“That’s what I’m gonna do,” Sophie said.

ANALYSIS

Didn’t see this coming, did we? Thought we had the pet thing taken care of with the hamster compromise. Despite her dad knowing all that, he was blindsided by the “I want a cat” meltdown. Sophie did the same thing with him as she did with her mother – putting him in the bind of “If you say ‘no’ you don’t love me”. We didn’t even get to the issue of whether her dad even liked cats. The fact that he would be gone a long stretch of the week meant it would be unfair to the cat. Perhaps in a follow-up discussion, helping Sophie appreciate that her request was unfair to the cat would valuable. Empathy (EMP) can go out the window when she is trying to manage her own wounds. She could probably appreciate how the cat would feel being ‘abandoned’ five-days-a-week. Both parents have their work cut out for them when it comes to helping Sophie move from urgent need to calm reasoning. Within that period of urgency, she can be pretty irrational (and self-absorbed). Fortunately, her parents understand that about her and find ways to help her get to the rational place without crushing her or damaging her. It would be easy to lock horns with the irrational Sophie and let things escalate to the point where she needed extreme measures to control her and she became labeled as damaged (oppositional-defiant disordered?). An important gift Sophie received from her father (as well as her mother earlier) was that of their strength to tolerate her anger without giving in to it or needing to silence it or crush it. These are subtle lessons in emotional competence (EC) by example.

The note writing approach her parents have adopted began with Sophie, but they now suggest it during these times when they know she feels wronged and not understood. It is a great way for her to express herself and trust that her voice will be heard (or read). That very process of self-expression is an effective self-soothing strategy. She translates extreme feelings, whether it is hurt or anger, into words and specific arguments. That represents significant growth for Sophie in emotional competence (EC), especially in contrast to the out-of-control tantrums it tends to reduce. The writing is also an emphasis on effective communication (COM). Despite the spelling, Sophie produces a document that captures what she wants to communicate, often more clearly than verbal communication can, when her audience is as emotional as she is.

A child like Sophie could easily attempt to manipulate her parents or pit them against each other. The ‘prove that you love me’ strategy easily leads to splitting of parents and painful comparisons. Fortunately, her parents talk and can work together for what is best for their kids.

Given the binds Sophie creates, it would be easy for her parents to slide into a dynamic where one parent, such as her mom, became the “mean one” who enforced the rules, while the father became the “nice one” who was accommodating (and let the rules slide) in order to be the “good parent”.

Ms. Green – Vulture?

Parent child relationships were not the only ones that needed to be monitored and managed carefully. In this next vignette we see how Sophie can easily misperceive the intentions of others, even a well-meaning teacher. As you may recall, the teenage version of Sophie walked around with polarized lenses that only let the negative messages of the world come through. Fortunately, this time around, Kristen is ready to catch one of those misperceptions and help Sophie make better sense of the relationship and the intentions of others.

“I’m not doing my homework tonight,” Sophie announced to her mother one day at dinner, a few weeks after the start of 3^rd grade. “As a matter of fact, I’m not going back to school anymore.”

“You’re not?” Kristen asked.

“My teacher hates me,” Sophie said.

“Ms Green?” Kristen said. “Why do you think she hates you?”

“I can tell,” Sophie said. “She gives me a look, like she swallowed a lemon. Like I’m the lemon. And she’s mean to me. In class, she never picks me for the good jobs, like taking care of the hamster, or being line leader. And when I raise my hand she never calls on me. Ever. She always calls on Angie and Jennifer.

“Really?” asked Kristen.

“I miss Miss Conrad,” Sophie said. “She was nice. And she liked me. She let me be line leader and take care of the fish. I wish I could be in 2^nd grade again.”

“I liked Miss Conrad too,” Kristen said. “And I know she liked you.”

“Yeah,” said Sophie, “but Ms. Green, she’s just mean. She has all these rules. She makes so many rules you can’t keep track of them all. Like you have to ask permission to go sharpen your pencil. And you have to put all your stuff in your desk anytime you leave the room. And she sits there and watches me to wait for me to mess up. She’s like a vulture, flying in a circle waiting for me to mess up so she can come down and eat me.”

“That’s a pretty strong statement,” Kristen said.

“Well, I mean it,” said Sophie. “And I’m not going back to school. My teacher’s a vulture. You don’t want me to have to be in a room with a vulture all day, do you? ”

“Why do you think Ms. Green is only looking at you, Sophie?” Kristen asked. “Doesn’t she keep an eye on everyone in class to make sure they’re all following the rules?”

“Oh, she looks at everyone,” Sophie said. “But she’s looking at me harder. Like if I leave just one thing on my desk when we go to lunch, she makes me go put it back and then be last in line. When Chase left his notebook on his desk, she let him go back to being line leader after he picked it up.”

“Hmm,” said Kristen. “I see.”

“I’m not going back,” Sophie said. “And I’m not doing my homework either. I’m not doing anything that vulture asks me to do. I hate her.”

“People can be very different from each other,” Kristen said. “That makes it hard to get used to new teachers. Miss Conrad was warm and she smiled a lot. It sounds like Ms. Green isn’t quite as warm and smiley.”

“Are vultures warm and smiley, Mom?” asked Sophie with one of her signature “duh” looks.

“I’m guessing that Ms. Green has really good qualities too,” Kristen said. “They’re just different from Miss Conrad’s.”

“Yeah, she knows how to be mean to me,” said Sophie. “And I know what you’re going to say next, Mom. ‘Go back and look for her good qualities.’ ‘Go back and give her a chance.’ “ Sophie did a pretty good imitation of Kristen. “But I’m not gonna do it,” she continued. “I hate her and she hates me and there’s nothing that’s gonna change that. So I’m not going to school and I’m not doing my homework, and I’m not changing my mind.”

“You sound very sure of this,” acknowledged Kristen.

“I’m really sure,” Sophie said.

“So how will you learn math and science and reading and writing if you don’t go to school?” Kristen asked.

“You can teach me,” Sophie said, without missing a beat.

“When can I do that,” asked Kristen. “During the day when I work?”

“You can take me with you to work,” Sophie told her. “I’ll do my math while you do all your e-mails and have your meetings and stuff.”

“Every day?” asked Kristen.

“Sure,” said Sophie.

“Where will you sit?” Kristen asked.

“Oh, I don’t take up much room,” Sophie said. “I can just sit in a corner.”

“The bosses who run the law firm are pretty particular,” Kristen said. “I don’t know if they’d like the idea of your sitting in the corner every day with your work. They like to keep things neat. They might also say something to us about the laws that say that kids have to go to school. That could be an issue.”

“The lawyers never had a vulture for a teacher,” Sophie spouted. “And I don’t care about the laws. I’m not going back!”

“Hmm,” said Kristen. “It looks like we have a problem, then. But I’m sure if we keep discussing it, we can find a solution.”

“I still don’t like discussing,” said Sophie.

“It led to our getting Duke, the hamster,” said Kristen.

“Yeah, but it also led to you saying I couldn’t get a cat,” Sophie said.

“True,” said Kristen, “But I think we did the best we could. That’s called compromise. Finding something in the middle of the two sides that will work out okay.”

Sophie grunted.

“So now, let’s discuss your school situation and see whether we can reach a compromise there.”

“You can’t compromise with a vulture,” Sophie said.

“Well, then it’s a good thing that Ms. Green isn’t really a vulture. She’s a person, even if she does seem mean. Maybe we can go in and talk with Ms. Green,” Kristen said.

“NO,” Sophie said.

“I’ve found that sitting down and talking with teachers outside of class can really make a difference,” Kristen said. “Though we might not want to mention the word vulture,” she added with a smile.

Sophie gave her a little smile back. “But she’ll get even madder at me if you go in there. And then she’ll be even meaner.”

“Why do you think she’ll be meaner?” Kristen asked.

“Because she’ll hate me even more,” Sophie said. “Because she’ll think I brought my mom into school to get her in trouble.”

“Oh, I promise to be nice,” Kristen said. “And our talking might help her to understand you a bit more. Sometimes with a class of 20 something kids, it’s hard for a teacher to get to know everyone. This will help her to get to know you and like you, like Miss Conrad did. If you remember it took a little while for you and Miss Conrad to connect. That didn’t happen right away.”

“But I never hated Miss Conrad,” Sophie said.

“True,” said Kristen. “But I suggest that we give this a try. If it doesn’t work, we can have another discussion and try something else. Okay with you?”

“When would we talk to her?” asked Sophie quietly.

“I’ll send her an e-mail right now,” Kristen said. “I’ll see whether she can meet either before or after school tomorrow.”

“Does that mean I have to go to school tomorrow?” asked Sophie.

Kristen nodded. “That’s what it means. And, while I’m e-mailing Ms. Green, guess what your job will be.”

“Homework?” Sophie sighed.

“That’s right,” said Kristen.

“I’m not doing it,” Sophie remained stubbornly set on that.

“Hmmmm. I guess you can make that choice. Are you sure you want to give up all those good things you get to do after homework is done?” Kristen reminded her.

“This is different. I’m on strike,” Sophie said.

“Well, people who go on strike don’t get paid. They are protesting something important but they are also sacrificing important things like pay while they are on strike,” Kristen told her.

“That’s not fair,” Sophie said.

“Well, it’s your choice. Going on homework strike means it is important enough to you that you are willing to give up your pay too. Your television and computer privileges and stories before bed,” Kristen summarized.

“You are so unfair, Mom,” Sophie said.

“The rules have always been the same. You just choose whether you want to follow them,” Kristen said.

“And get punished,” Sophie said.

“If I go on strike instead of going to work tomorrow, should my boss still pay me?” Kristen asked.

“If she was nice, she would,” Sophie said.

“Hmmm. I’m just going to let you think about that one for awhile, because I don’t know many bosses who pay people when they don’t work,” Kristen said. “Let me know what you decide about the homework, because if you are choosing not to have stories tonight, I’m going to read ahead on my own. No way am I waiting another night to find out what happened to …”

“Alright, Mom. You made your point. You know. You are the only person I know who makes threats without screaming,” Sophie said.

“Why, darlin’ I take that as a real compliment,” Kristen said, in her best Scarlett O’Hara accent.

“Ugh! You are starting to remind me of Mrs. Green,” Sophie said.

“Really? Now I’m even more eager to go talk to her,” Kristen responded.

ANALYSIS

It seems like Sophie is often looking for a fight – because someone has been unfair to her. In their few short years with Sophie, her parents jokingly refer to themselves as bruised but committed converts to Judo. Despite the fact that they could not make their marriage work, they have found common ground in supporting each other when it comes to dealing with Sophie. After a particularly difficult interaction with her, they have been known to lean on each other for support and advice. Within the last couple of years they have jokingly referred to those sessions as tests for moving up in rank, as in martial arts. If we asked them, they would both claim to be first-degree black belts when it comes to Sophie. Why judo? It is noted for its use of the aggressor’s momentum to your advantage. Rather than blocking Sophie’s “I’m not doing my homework” Kristen guided that threat to its own natural consequences. In essence, she told Sophie that she could throw that punch, but she would produce a set of consequences as a result.

It was interesting that Sophie compared Kristen to Mrs. Green. That comparison did not go unnoticed by Kristen, nor was she surprised when she heard it. She knew that part of the problem Sophie was having with Mrs. Green was her high expectations and rigid rules. She was a big contrast to the previous teacher, Miss Conrad, who was warm and expressive in her caring. She found a way to like Sophie immediately and quickly won her over. Within two weeks of school, Miss Conrad could do no wrong. Everything was, “Miss Conrad, this and Miss Conrad that …”. Kristen did not begrudge the fact that she was often on the wrong side of the Miss Conrad comparisons. She was just relieved that Sophie had a teacher that was a great match for her challenging daughter. Mrs. Green on the other hand, was the opposite of Miss Conrad. Following her did not help either, but Kristen was not surprised by Sophie’s reaction. Interestingly, an outside observer might label Kristen as closer in temperament and style to Mrs. Green than Miss Conrad. Kristen will be able to make good use of her relationship with Sophie and their handling of issues such as rules and fairness in sorting out Sophie’s relationship with Mrs. Green.

The next day after school, Kristen came into the classroom. She and Sophie sat down with Ms. Green. Kristen had told Ms. Green the reason for the meeting in the e-mail she sent, saying that Sophie was having a hard time adjusting to the classroom and that perhaps Sophie needed a bit of extra TLC to help pave the way. “Could we all discuss this in person?” Kristen had asked, “to come up with some strategies that might help?”

Now, as Sophie sat staring defensively at the teacher, Ms. Green asked her, “What do you think of our class?”

Sophie shrugged.

“It’s okay to tell Ms. Green how you feel,” Kristen prompted.

“You have a lot of rules,” Sophie said quietly.

“Yes, I do,” said Ms. Green. “And I know you’ve needed some reminders here and there to remember them all. Most of the kids have needed reminders. Do you know why I have all of those rules?” she asked.

“No,” Sophie said.

“Because I think we all learn better when we have a clean, orderly classroom,” Ms. Green said. “We talked about that on the first day of school. Remember?”

Sophie shrugged.

“But I know that some students think I’m too strict,” Ms. Green continued. “I am strict. Especially at the beginning of the school year. Because I’m trying to help you build good habits, like keeping your work area clean and organized. Once these things become habits, you won’t have to think about them as much. And I won’t have to think about them as much either. Then we can focus more on having fun.”

Sophie looked up. She couldn’t believe Ms. Green had said the word ‘fun’. She didn’t think she knew what fun was. “What kind of fun?” Sophie asked.

“Projects,” Ms. Green said. “Like dissecting an octopus. What do you think of that?”

“Cool,” said Sophie.

“But we have to have an orderly, clean classroom in order to do projects like that. Otherwise, we may have octopus parts winding up everywhere.” Ms. Green smiled. Sophie smiled back… a little.

“It’s helpful to know that,” Kristen said. “That makes sense. Don’t you think so, Sophie?”

Sophie nodded… a little.

“If I seem strict, that’s why,” Ms. Green said. “Just remember I’m not just picking on you.”

Kristen gave Sophie a quick look that said, “I’m glad you heard that.”

“That’s good to understand these things,” Kristen said. “And the octopus project sounds neat. Sophie loves animals… everything about them. She just got a hamster at home. She’s been very responsible in taking care of it.”

“I’m glad to hear that,” said Ms. Green. “When it’s your turn to take care of Mr. Hamster over there, I know you’ll do a good job.”

“I never get a turn,” Sophie said shyly.

“Oh, you will,” Ms. Green said. “I make myself a job chart with everyone’s name, so when I assign jobs, it assures that everyone gets a turn.”

“Maybe it would help Sophie if she were able to see the job chart,” Kristen suggested.

Ms. Green reached into her desk and took out the chart. “See. These are the jobs that you’ve done. These are the ones you will do. Your turn to feed Mr. Hamster comes up next week.”

“Thank you,” Kristen said. “That seems very fair. Don’t you think so, Sophie?”

Sophie nodded.

“Since Sophie likes animals so much,” Kristen added, “if there are any other jobs she can do for Mr. Hamster, like changing the cage or helping to take care of him on vacations, I’m sure she’d love to help. Right Sophie.”

“I would,” Sophie said.

“Would you?” Ms. Green asked. “I’m going out of town to visit my daughter’s family – and my new granddaughter – in two weeks. I usually come in once during the weekend to feed Mr. Hamster. Maybe you can take him home that weekend?”

Sophie had a hard time imagining Ms. Green as a grandmother. But she liked the idea of taking care of Mr. Hamster. “I could do that, right Mom?” she said to Kristen.

“Of course,” Kristen said. “Whenever you need the extra help, I’m sure Sophie would be glad to help out.”

As they walked out of the meeting, Sophie waved goodbye to Ms. Green and to Mr. Hamster. She took a deep breath. Maybe Ms. Green wasn’t really a vulture, after all.

ANALYSIS

Without more information, Sophie had painted a portrait of Mrs. Green as a vulture. Unfortunately, Sophie had a bad habit of finding the negatives in the midst of ambiguity. This meeting was very helpful in countering that perception. The trouble with perceptions, especially with kids like Sophie, is that they can become self-fulfilling. If she expects bad treatment, she may give responses that increase the chances of harsh treatment. For instance, because Sophie perceived Mrs. Green to be mean, she was going to refuse to do her homework. If she showed up the next day without homework and had to stay in from recess to complete it, she could easily stew about how mean and unfair Mrs. Green was – forgetting the fact that she set the ball rolling by not doing the homework.

Kristen knew that even the strict ones had a soft side. Why else would Mrs. Green choose to be a grade school teacher? It was not difficult to find opportunities to change Sophie’s perception. The first step came with clarification about the basis for her rules. There was a real logic (LT) to why she expected orderliness. And she told Sophie that she was helping kids develop good habits that they would then do for themselves. That was just the way it worked at home. When Sophie took care of responsibilities herself, her mother was no longer involved in nagging, prodding and punishing.

The next revelation was the human side to Mrs. Green. Instead of a vulture, she turned out to be a grandmother who liked animals and … trusted Sophie with the care of the class pet, Mr. Hamster. Sophie could not very well cling to the notion of unfair treatment if Ms. Green was going to let her be the one who took Mr. Hamster home for the holidays. As you can see, things get nowhere with Sophie until things are right in her relatedness (REL) world. Kristen and Ms. Green, gave her one more example of how to get to that place with someone new with their meeting and communication (COM).

Did Kristen make A MESS of Sophie? Let’s take a look. Kristen was attuned (A) to Sophie’s sensitivity to perceived messages of rejection or disapproval. She was not surprised that Sophie had trouble adjusting to Ms. Green, especially after a year with Miss Conrad, whose fondness for Sophie, and all of her students, was easy to see. Sophie mistook Ms. Green’s emphasis on rules and order as evidence that she was critical and uncaring. Instead of recognizing that Ms. Green was consistent in her treatment of all the kids, Sophie felt Ms. Green did not like ‘her’ and was unfair to ‘her’. Kristen encouraged Sophie’s engagement (E) in a process that led to a better relationship (REL) with Ms. Green. That engagement began with Kristen’s curiosity about Sophie’s relationship with her teacher. Instead of letting Sophie cling to her characterization of Ms. Green and her attitude toward Sophie, Kristen kept her daughter engaged in a process of inquiry and then problem solving (LT).

Sophie announced she wasn’t doing her homework and wasn’t going to school. Kristen recognized that behind that pronouncement were Sophie’s hurt feelings (and a wish to avoid a teacher who didn’t like her). Kristen’s interest and concern provided the soothing necessary to engage in their problem solving. Ultimately, Kristen hoped for Sophie to learn to make use of problem solving and communication (COM) to soothe herself (SS) as she figured out how to make her relationships work better for her. Kristen was well aware of the work (M) Sophie needed in the realm of forming and maintaining relationships, both with her teachers and her peers. Given the holes Sophie could dig, relationship wise, it was helpful for Kristen to accompany her to set positive processes in motion or model them for her daughter.

Mr. Hamster

After their talk with Ms. Green, Kristen regularly asked Sophie how things were going at school. Sophie seemed more positive. “Not perfect,” she would say. “But not terrible.” One day, she even said, “Ms. Green smiled at me and said “Good job” when I cleaned off my desk before lunch today.”

Then a few weeks later, Sophie came home very upset. When Kristen asked her what had happened, Sophie said, Ms. Green hates me again. HATES me. And I hate her too.”

“What happened?” Kristen asked.

“She just hates me. That’s all,” Sophie responded flatly.

“What did she do that made you feel that she hates you?” Kristen prompted.

“She took away my turn feeding Mr. Hamster. I was supposed to do it today and instead she told Anna to do it.”

“Oh,” said Kristen. She knew this was serious – at least as far as Sophie was concerned. “Why did she do that?”

“I told you. Because she hates me.”

“I’m guessing that if I asked Ms. Green about it, she’d have a different answer. What do you think she would tell me?”

“I don’t know,” Sophie said.

“Sophie…” Kristen prompted.

“Well, the other kids were feeding him too much. They’d fill up his food bowl too high and it’s not good for him and I told them to stop because he’d get too fat, but they didn’t listen to me,” Sophie said.

“I see,” Kristen said. “So what did you do about it?”

“I told them I was the only one who should take care of Mr. Hamster because I’m the only one who does it right.”

“Did Ms. Green know about that?” Kristen asked.

“Well, she does now because stupid Anna told her yesterday after school and then Ms. Green took away my turn today. And Anna STILL gave him too much food. He’s gonna get so big he explodes and it’ll be all their fault because nobody listens to me.”

“Did you tell Ms. Green about your reasons for doing what you did?” Kristen asked her.

“She wouldn’t listen. She just told me to go sit down. And she looked at me with that snarl like she ate a lemon. I hate her. Vulture. I hate all of them in there, and I’m not going back.” Sophie started crying.

“I can see why you’re so upset,” Kristen told her, taking her in her arms.

“I’m tired,” Sophie said. “And I have a tummy ache.”

“It’s almost bedtime,” Kristen said. “I’ll read you a story, and we can talk more in the morning when you’re feeling better.”

Sophie woke up several times that night with the stomach ache, and the next morning she was tired and grumpy and still complaining that her stomach hurt. Though she had no fever and Kristen believed that her “illness” was caused by the stress of what had happened, she let Sophie stay home for the morning. She also sent Ms. Green an e-mail.

Dear Ms. Green,

Sophie told me yesterday about the hamster incident. It sounds like she decided to pronounce herself in charge of Mr. Hamster’s care. I understand that this type of self-proclaimed monarchy is not acceptable.

When Sophie told me about the incident, she said that she was concerned about the amount of food the other students were giving the hamster. She seemed genuinely worried that he was being given too much at each feeding. Apparently, she’d asked the other students to feed him less and didn’t feel that they followed through with her advice.

I understand that Sophie is very sensitive about animal issues, so I don’t know how much she’s pulling this out of proportion. However, she is very upset about what’s happened and is staying home this morning with a stomach ache.

I wonder if you might be able to have a talk later today with Sophie about what happened? Perhaps if you ask her to explain her reasons for acting as she did, you can discuss better ways in which she could have handled the situation. I will do the same at home. I’ve found that Sophie will be reasonable if she feels she’s been heard and responded to. Of course, she still needs to be accountable to the rules, but perhaps this would help set her in a positive direction again.

Thank you,

P.S. – I have asked Sophie to write you a letter explaining her feelings and concerns. I hope you will have a chance to read her letter. Sophie’s father and I have found these Sophie letters good starts to clearing up misunderstandings and hurt feelings.

Ms. Green sent back a note saying she’d be willing to talk with Sophie about the incident and liked the Sophie Letter idea (which she said she would make use of in the future). When Kristen brought Sophie into school at noon, she told her that Ms. Green would be taking her aside to discuss things and she could give Ms. Green her letter then. She let Sophie know that they would talk about it again at home that evening.

ANALYSIS

Wow, so much for the Mr. Hamster cure above. Sophie’s relationships are vulnerable to turning on a dime, or in this case, a two-bit argument. Kristen’s curiosity and understanding of her daughter led her to an understanding of events and possibilities that might easily have been overlooked. Sophie’s unilateral assumption of responsibility for saving Mr. Hamster could easily have led to alienation of her peers and repercussions in her relationship with Mrs. Green. As we know from earlier incidents, when Sophie is upset, she acts and elicits reactions that can quickly spin out of control. Thankfully, Kristen was able to go in search of the “logic” behind Sophie’s actions. It may not be logical to the rest of the world, but it is important to join Sophie in her world and understand her logic, and work from there. Without that approach, there is usually more butting of heads than effective judo being performed.

Follow-up Conversation

“How did your talk go with Ms. Green?” Kristen asked.

“Oh, okay,” Sophie said.

“Did you show her your letter?” Kristen asked.

“Yeah,” Sophie said.

“Was it helpful?”

“It was good because I didn’t know what to say when I sat down, so I just handed her the letter,” Sophie said.

“That was a good way to get the discussion started. So what did she say to you?” Kristen asked.

“She said I couldn’t tell the other kids what to do,” Sophie said.

“You mean about Mr. Hamster’s food,” Kristen said.

“Yeah. She said it was her job to tell them how to take care of him.”

“It is a teacher’s job to make the rules,” Kristen agreed. “And to make sure the other kids follow them. Did you explain to Ms. Green what your concerns were about Mr. Hamster being fed too much?”

“Yeah,” Sophie said. “I told her he was gonna get fat and explode if they kept feeding him that much.”

“And how did she respond when you said that?” Kristen asked.

“Well, she kind of laughed. But then she saw I was serious. So she said she would draw a line on the side of the food bowl with a permanent marker and tell the kids to only put the food up to the line.”

“Oh, that’s a good idea,” Kristen said. “Don’t you think that will be a good way to solve the problem?”

“If the other kids do what they’re supposed to. Some of them might keep putting too much food in.”

“Do you think Ms. Green will keep an eye on things?” Kristen asked.

“Well, she said she would. I told her I could do that, but she said that it was her job.”

“That’s true,” Kristen said. “That’s her job as the teacher, and not your job. That’s what the problem was before. I know you were just trying to help Mr. Hamster, but do you think that putting yourself in charge and taking over the turns of the other kids was the best way to handle that situation?”

“No,” said Sophie. “But they should have listened to me. Sometimes kids know what they’re talking about, you know.”

“I do know,” said Kristen.

“Which is why I’m glad that you talked with Ms. Green. Telling her what the problem was and letting her tell the other kids was a good way to take care of the problem.”

“I hope so,” said Sophie.

“Will you let me know if it’s going okay,” Kristen asked her.

“Yeah,” said Sophie. “I will.”

ANALYSIS

Sophie got two important messages. The first was that she could not unilaterally seize control of situations like she did, even if she had a good reason. The second was that she could effect needed change if she communicated (COM) her concerns in an effective way. Mrs. Green listened to her concerns about Mr. Hamster’s health and implemented a plan based on Sophie’s concerns. Sophie’s passion and assertiveness may prove a benefit out in the world as a young woman someday. But, she also needs to learn to temper her approach so that she effects desired change and not undesired reactions. Channeled properly, her passion will be an attribute. Without better regulation, it will alienate people and leave her angry, resentful and defensive – and labeled as a problem child, like the teenage version of Sophie we met earlier.

Not Sleepy!

You certainly didn’t think one or two great interventions would turn the ship around did you? Dealing with issues of fairness and perceived abandonments would be the rule, more than the exception. Fortunately, this time around, Kristen was there to help formulate an alternative meaning than the one Sophie constructed in the absence of parental involvement in version 1. Without Kristen’s involvement, Sophie became the sharp edged rock that could cut the unsuspecting beachcomber; yet with the repeated waves of listening and reasoning, the rough edges were smoothed and safe to touch. Below is one more of the one more times Kristen needed to be there for Sophie.

“Why do I have to go to bed even though I’m not sleepy?” Sophie asked.

“Because kids need lots of sleep so they stay healthy and their brains can grow,” Kristen said.

“My brain is doing just fine. In fact, it doesn’t like having to shut down so early at night,” Sophie said.

“Yes, you have an active brain. I’ll bet that brain could go all night long if you didn’t put it to sleep,” Kristen said.

“I shouldn’t have to go to bed if I’m not sleepy,” Sophie repeated.

“Scientists have found that kids your age need at least 10-11 hours of sleep every night,” Kristen said.

“I’m different from other kids,” Sophie insisted.

“Yes. You are one of a kind,” Kristen laughed. “But you still need plenty of sleep.”

“All of my friends get to stay up later,” Sophie chimed in.

“I hope they are getting enough sleep so their growth is not slowed down,” Kristen said. “Sleep is when your body does lots of repairs and growing takes place.”

“So if I stay in bed all day, I’ll become a giant?” Sophie asked.

“Yes. A giant blob. Your muscles need exercise as well as sleep,” Kristen said.

“I think you just put us to bed early so we’re out of your hair, Mom,” Sophie said.

“Hey, why didn’t I think of that? Maybe we should find you an earlier bedtime, so I have more time to read novels at night,” Kristen began.

“You can forget that, Mom. That’s not going to happen,” Sophie warned.

“You don’t let anything get by you, do you?” Kristen chuckled.

“How are you going to know when I’m really ready for a later bedtime?” Sophie asked.

“Well, let me think. Maybe when I don’t have to wake you up in the morning and drag you out of bed? When you are ready for school early and are waiting for me to get ready? When you are sitting around in the morning, all ready for school and have time to read or color or play the violin?” Kristen said.

“Play the violin? We don’t even own a violin, Mom,” Sophie said, confused.

“Well, like I said. You’d be ready for school so early you would have time to find a violin and practice it,” Kristen said.

“You aren’t going to let me have a later bedtime, are you, Mom?” Sophie asked.

“Not right now. Not until your mornings are like I described, with you ready for school early enough you have time for other things,” Kristen said.

“Ok. I’ll show you I’m ready. I’m going to sleep now so I can get up and prove to you I’m ready,” Sophie said.

“Aren’t we going to read stories tonight?” Kristen asked.

“Oh, yeah. I almost forgot,” Sophie said.

ANALYSIS

Kristen was firm about her bedtime limits, but was willing to listen to Sophie’s objections and provide her with good reasons for their existence. She also gave Sophie the important message that limits are flexible, when she takes responsibility for herself – like getting up on her own and getting ready for school. A child who is hard to wake up in the morning, probably needed to go to sleep earlier the night before.

With Sophie, Kristen keeps in mind that it is not the product so much as the process that is important. Whether or not Sophie gets a later bedtime is not as important as whether Sophie feels listened to and understood, empathized with and cared for. Sophie has real issues with fairness and simply giving in to her demands or requests does not speak to fairness. Through their talks, Kristen allows Sophie to discover the basis for limits and rules. She discovers that they are not simply arbitrary, but have reasons for their existence. Sometimes those limits can be adjusted if she can take more responsibility. At other times they are less flexible, simply because kids her age need lots of sleep. For a kid like Sophie, how she arrives at that understanding of the limit matters a great deal. Kristen struggles to create this process or healthy dialogue with Sophie. But, as you can tell, it is not always easy or accomplished the first time around the block.

The next vignette shows some of the progress Kristen and Sophie are making. Instead of a temper tantrum about bedtime, they are having a discussion. The earlier version of Sophie would not trust that anything could be changed by discussion and reasoning.

Bedtime Negotiations Continued

“This is the 4^th day in a row that I got up on time,” Sophie said. “I set my alarm and got up by myself and got dressed and got my own cereal for breakfast while you helped Julia. Did you notice?” she asked Kristen proudly.

“I have noticed,” said Kristen. “And I’m impressed. Though I haven’t heard you playing the violin,” she said.

“Moooommm,” Sophie said.

“Okay, we’ll forget the violin for the moment. Though it would be nice if you played. Maybe we should get you started?”

“Moooommmm.”

“Does that mean no?”

“Stop joking around, Mom. I worked hard this week. You said if I did better in the morning, I could have a later bedtime. And I did. So…”

“I did say that if you did better in the morning, we could Discuss having a later bedtime. And you have done better, so we can discuss it. But it’s not as simple as you think. There are a lot of factors involved.”

“You’re getting ready to say, ‘no’ again. I can tell,” Sophie said.

“I’m not,” Kristen countered. “But let’s start with this. We’ll make a list. What things do you think we need to consider when we make a decision about your bedtime?”

“Getting up in the morning by myself,” Sophie said. “And I’m doing that.”

“I’m writing it down,” Kristen said. “There. Now, what else should be on the list?”

“Nothing,” Sophie said.

“Try again,” Kristen answered.

“Okay… making sure I have enough sleep to grow.”

“Right,” Kristen said. “Ten to eleven hours a night will give your body the time it needs to grow big and strong.”

“Well, how much sleep am I getting now?” Sophie asked.

“You go to bed at 7:30 p.m. and get up at 6:30 a.m.. That’s 11 hours,” Kristen said.

“Well, that means I can go to bed a whole hour later and still get 10 hours of sleep,” Sophie announced.

“You’re a pretty quick thinker in the mornings,” Kristen laughed.

“Yeah, that shows I’m ready for a later bedtime,” Sophie said.

“Actually, that shows that you’re very sharp when you get plenty of sleep, like you’re getting now,” Kristen said.

“Are you going to put that on the list too?” Sophie asked, deflated.

“Yes,” Kristen said, jotting it down. “What else do we need to consider?”

“I don’t know,” Sophie said. “How awake I feel in school?”

“Good!” Kristen said. “Because even if you wake up on your own in the morning, if you’re tired at school and aren’t concentrating well, then that’s a sign that you’re not getting enough sleep.”

“But I AM doing well in school,” Sophie argued. “And I’m NOT tired at all.”

“I think that’s true,” Kristen said. “But that’s because you’re getting 11 hours of sleep a night.”

“But I wouldn’t be tired in school even if I got 10 hours of sleep a night. I KNOW that,” Sophie said emphatically.

“How do you know that?” Kristen answered.

“I just do. See sometimes I stay up late talking to Hobo, so I only get 10 hours of sleep then, and I still feel fine.”

“Funny that you’re always fast asleep when I come check on you at 8:15. How could that be? “

“I’m only pretending,” Sophie said.

“I don’t believe you,” Kristen answered.

“But how will I ever show you that I need less sleep if you always make me get 11 hours of sleep?” Sophie whined.

“You raise a good point,” Kristen said. “Any ideas?”

“Yeah,” Sophie said. “Let me try it!”

“That is an idea,” Kristen agreed. “But if it doesn’t work, then your health and schoolwork will suffer. Right?”

Sophie shrugged.

“So I’ll write that idea down, but let’s think of other ideas too,” Kristen said.

“I know what you’re thinking,” Sophie said.

“Really?” Kristen asked. “What am I thinking?”

“That I should just move my bedtime up a tiny bit and then see how I feel,” Sophie said.

“That’s a really good idea,” Kristen said. “And yes, it had crossed my mind.”

“So I could go to bed at 8:00 and we could see how it goes?” Sophie said.

“I was thinking more along the lines of 7:40,” Kristen said.

“Ten minutes?” Sophie cried.

“Think of it as an experiment,” Kristen told her. “We’ll give it a try and you can take notes about how you feel in the morning and during school and at night. We’ll get you a special notebook. Then we’ll have more information to go by when we consider our decision making. Doesn’t that make sense?”

“You’re really tough,” Sophie said.

“But I’m also listening to you and working with you,” Kristen reminded her.

“But only 10 minutes?” Sophie whined.

“It’s a start,” Kristen said. “We can move forward from there.”

ANALYSIS

The transition from fighting to arguing to debating to discussing has been a huge relief for Kristen. Sophie has also done a good job of with taking responsibility for getting herself up and ready for school in the mornings. Kristen has to be pleased to see her daughter finally putting some substance behind her arguments, not just words and tears. Kristen would like to reward this growth in Sophie. However, she also knows that Sophie is looking at the issue of bedtime with a set of blinders on – determined to get the time moved back.

Consequently, Kristen recognized Sophie’s efforts, but also wanted her to examine other important factors that need to be considered – such as health and school performance. Rather than letting the debate resemble so many of Sophie’s past dilemma’s (giving in to her demands or rejecting them, both options having dire consequences) Kristen engaged Sophie in an ongoing process of searching for expert opinion and asking for proof of readiness for change. Agreeing to a ten-minute change in bedtime seemed like a reasonable compromise, given what they learned of sleep requirements and what Sophie had demonstrated with getting up and continuing to do well in school. Kristen let her know that demonstrating proof of readiness would be an ongoing process that they would work through together. Does this sound like Kristen made A MESS of bedtime? It sounds like she was also teaching Sophie how to make one as well: attunement to developmental needs and progress; definition of developmental goals needed; engagement in the process of meeting those goals; and finding ways to calmly remain engaged instead of turning combative and defiant (as we witnessed with the teenage version of Sophie). This process promoted communication (COM), internal discipline (ID), and logical thinking (LT), all of which were in short supply with the earlier 1.0 version of Sophie.

All Alone

The teenage version of Sophie was very dependent on external solutions to her internal problems. Instead of handling things herself, she demanded help or blamed others for things going wrong. A big part of what she could not do for herself was self-regulating her emotions. She could quickly go from perceived injustice to full-blown tantrum. This time around, Kristen is well aware of Sophie’s need to develop emotional competence and learn to soothe herself. In the vignette below, that need applies to developing good sleep hygiene, where Sophie can soothe herself and fall asleep at night without depending on some external means. Kristen will also demonstrate her attunement by recognizing issues expressed indirectly. In this case, Sophie is asking for help through her stuffed animal. Just as we saw issues being worked through in fantasy play earlier, with DJ, the same holds true for Sophie’s use of her stuffed animal, Hobo.

“Mom, will you read ‘til Hobo and I both go to sleep?” Sophie asked.

“Why do you want me to do that?” Kristen asked.

“Because I can’t go to sleep until I know Hobo is asleep,” Sophie explained.

“Why is that?” Kristen asked.

“I don’t want to go to sleep and leave Hobo all alone. He’ll be scared,” Sophie said.

“Why is he scared?” Kristen asked.

“Hobo doesn’t like to be alone in the dark,” Sophie said.

“Why does the dark bother him?” Kristen continued.

“He’s afraid something will hurt him and I won’t be awake to protect him,” Sophie said.

“Why does he do okay while you are at school?” Kristen asked.

“It’s daytime and the monsters that scare him only come out in the dark,” Sophie said.

“What does Hobo think would help him?” Kristen wondered.

“He wants me to keep him company until he goes to sleep. Stories help him not feel scared so he can go to sleep,” Sophie said.

“Hmmmm. So Hobo needs your help going to sleep?” Kristen summarized. “We need to find a way for Hobo to get himself to sleep so he doesn’t always need you to do it for him.”

“Why can’t we just have stories until we both fall asleep?” Sophie asked.

“Well. Hobo can’t always depend on you to put him to sleep. When you are in college and studying for tests and going to dances, Hobo is going to have to put himself to sleep at night,” Kristen said.

“I guess. So what should I do to help him?” Sophie asked.

“Well, I think we’ll have to figure this out together. For tonight I have a suggestion. Tell Hobo to close his eyes and remember (in his head) you telling him his favorite story. Don’t tell Hobo this, but when he lies there remembering his story, he’ll start to get real sleepy,” Kristen said, in her conspiratorial voice.

“Ok, Mom. I won’t tell him,” Sophie said. “What will happen if he opens his eyes and the room is dark?”

“You and I will have to figure out a plan for that. People sleep best when it is cool and dark, so Hobo needs a dark room to stay asleep. But for tonight, you put him to sleep and I will come back and turn out your light when I know you both are asleep,” Kristen said.

ANALYSIS

It’s kind of cute how Sophie expresses her thoughts and feelings through her stuffed animal, Hobo. Sometimes that provides a safer distance from having to directly admit to fears or hurt feelings. At times, Sophie may be trying to disconnect from those feelings, only to allow them to gain expression through Hobo. Play therapy often allows kids to enact thoughts and feelings they are afraid to confront directly. This vignette was a homemade version of that.

Kristen took what Sophie was telling her about her fears, which are normal for that age, and came up with a solution that both Sophie and Hobo liked. She bought a nightlight that sat beside Sophie’s bed that was set to gradually dim until dark, saving Kristen the need to be the light monitor. If Sophie woke up and was afraid, she could simply push the “Monster Free” button, and the dimming light would start another cycle. This eliminated Sophie’s need to remain vigilant until “Hobo was asleep” and it gave her a sense of control over keeping herself safe at night. In essence, she had means of helping her self-soothe (SS), instead of calling for her mom to rescue her. Staying engaged in the process of mastering good sleep hygiene at bedtime was an important goal Kristen reminded herself about after her talk with Sophie and Hobo. The dimmer light seemed like an effective way for Sophie to stay engaged (E) in mastering (M) the skill of getting herself to sleep at night.

Destiny – Fighting vs. Arguing

Remember how desperate the teenage version of Sophie was to hold on to her marginal boyfriend? That desperation went as far as staying in an abusive relationship and giving birth to his (unwanted) child. Starting over in childhood, the omniscient Kristen gets to deal with some of these same issues in their making, when the stakes don’t involve physical abuse and pregnancy. As you will quickly recognize, the patterns in this “friendship” have many parallels with Sophie’s later problematic relationships.

“Destiny invited me to her sleepover,” Sophie excitedly told Kristen when she got home from school.

“Well, that’s exciting,” said Kristen. “Who’s Destiny. Do I know her?”

“She’s in my class this year. She’s really nice. And popular,” Sophie said.

“Well, that sounds fantastic,” Kristen said. “Where does she live?”

“I don’t know,” Sophie said. “She comes on the (school) bus (everyday).”

“I worry about sending you off to a sleepover at someone’s home when I don’t know them or their parents,” Kristen said.

“I’m sure Destiny’s parents are really nice,” Sophie said.

“Maybe you could invite Destiny over to play before the sleepover,” Kristen said. “Then I could meet her and arrange to meet her parents.”

“But her sleepover is this weekend,” Sophie said. “That’s in 3 days.”

“They didn’t give a lot of advance notice, did they?” Kristen said with concern.

“Calm down, Mom,” Sophie said. “It’ll be fine.”

“I’m not so sure,” Kristen said.

“Mooommm,” Sophie’s voice showed all of her emotion… a quickly building wave of frustration and anger.

“How would you feel if you were me?” Kristen said, trying to reason with her. “Wouldn’t you want to make sure your daughter was safe?”

“I would want to make sure my daughter was Happy,” Sophie said. “But you just want to keep me locked up in this apartment – with no cat, no friends, and no fun.” The wave was building – into a tidal wave. “If you don’t let me go…,” Sophie began to scream.

“Calm down,” Kristen said gently but firmly. “We can only talk about this if you stay calm.”

“I CAN’T STAY CALM,” Sophie screamed. “You’re too mean. You’re not gonna let me go. I can tell. And Destiny will hate me if I don’t go, and all her friends will hate me. And I’ll hate you. I will”

Before Kristen could get a word in, Sophie stomped up to her and said. “I’m not going back to school. I won’t have any friends if I don’t go to this sleepover, so I’m not going back. And I’m gonna run away from home – tomorrow – because I hate you. You are a BITCH.”

Kristen backed away in shock. She’d never heard this word come out of Sophie’s mouth. And directed right at her, it felt like a punch in the stomach.

“Go to your room,” Kristen said. “NOW.”

Sophie stormed off to her room. Kristen went to her room too, lying down and taking deep breaths to calm down.

After an hour or so, she knocked on Sophie’s door. “Have you settled down?” she asked.

“Kind of,” Sophie said through the door.

Kristen could tell from her voice that she seemed to have settled down. “May I come in?” she asked.

“Yeah,” Sophie said. “But I’m not gonna say, ‘sorry’,” she said as Kristen sat down in her room.

“Ok,” said Kristen slowly. “Tell you what… let’s save that talk for later. Right now, I’d like to tell you a story.”

“What kind of story?” asked Sophie suspiciously. Sometimes her Mom’s stories were really lectures in disguise.

“This is a story about a dog. A cocker spaniel that Grandpa used to have. His name was Ruff because he used to bark a lot.”

“I didn’t know he had a cocker spaniel,” Sophie said. “So, okay, what about him?” Sophie was still waiting for the lesson to come.

“Well, Ruff was a fighter,” Kristen said. “He barked all the time. You’d give him a treat and he’d bark at you, snatch it away, and run off, like he thought you’d take it away from him. He made you feel like whatever you did, it wasn’t enough, or wasn’t right. Well, one day, Ruff met another dog on a walk. The other dog sniffed at him, and Ruff barked and growled and acted like he wanted to fight. The other dog backed away. Well, Ruff could have just walked away then, but he was kind of curious about the other dog, so he stayed there. The other dog edged up to him again, and Ruff barked and growled. So the dog backed away again. Finally the dog’s owner decided it was time to go and they left. Grandpa said Ruff had a really sad look in his eyes as he watched the other dog walk away.”

“So,” said Sophie. “What’s the point?”

“The point is that Ruff didn’t get what he wanted by fighting. He wanted to make a friend, but by growling and picking a fight with the other dog, he didn’t allow it to be his friend. So in the end he missed out.”

“Okay,” said Sophie. “So why are you telling me this?”

“Because you remind me of Ruff sometimes,” Kristen said. “You bark and growl too when you’re upset. You use words, like the one you said before, to attack me, like you’re picking a fight, same as Ruff. And it doesn’t get you what you want either. You wanted to go to the sleepover. Do you think that fighting with me like you did will make me say okay?”

Sophie paused. “Well, what should I do instead then?”

“There’s a big difference between fighting and arguing,” Kristen said. “It’s okay for you to argue with me. You could even turn it into a debate. You’ve seen debates on tv. The candidates argue about issues. They use words to convince people that their views on an issue are right. They don’t attack the other person – well usually they don’t. Instead, they debate about an issue. And if they are a good enough debater, they will get people to agree with them about the issue, and maybe vote for them.”

“I didn’t say you couldn’t go to the sleepover,” Kristen continued. “I was just expressing concerns about it. At first you debated nicely. You told me that Destiny was a nice person. You said you thought that her parents must be nice too. But when you thought I’d tell you no, you turned it into a fight.”

“But you were about to tell me I couldn’t go,” Sophie said. “I could tell.”

“No, I was just thinking through my concerns. I’m willing to listen to you, you know. I want to listen to you, and take in your ideas and opinions when I make decisions. That’s important to me,” Kristen said.

“Really?” asked Sophie.

“Really,” Kristen said. “Do you have any ideas about how we can work with my concerns about the sleepover, but still have you go?”

“What are your concerns? I told you she was nice,” Sophie said.

“I don’t know Destiny or her family. I won’t let you spend the night at someone’s house if I don’t know them,” Kristen said.

Sophie thought for a minute. “Well, could you call Destiny’s parents and talk to them?” Sophie asked.

“I think that’s a great idea,” Kristen told Sophie. “That’s a wonderful way to solve the problem. And, yes, I will do that.”

ANALYSIS

As you may recall from meeting the older version of Sophie in Part I, she can be quick to anger and embroil Kristen in a fight that ends with slamming doors and nothing accomplished. This interaction had that potential. Sophie prematurely assumed her mom had said, ‘no’ to her request and quickly lost it emotionally and then rationally. They had a one-sided-fight, meaning Sophie was fighting, while Kristen was tolerating the storm and waiting for her to calm down enough to be reasoned with. This difference in Sophie began with a difference in Kristen. This version of Kristen understood why Sophie was easily upset; how she misperceived messages as rejections; and how she resorted to threats and tantrums when she thought all was lost. Kristen was strong enough to tolerate Sophie’s anger, while taking an authoritative stance. “When you are calm enough, we can talk about this,” was her message.

She provided Sophie with a good contrast between what comes of the emotional meltdown and threats versus the problem solving and rational arguing. The distinction between fighting and arguing was an important one for Sophie to appreciate. Kristen also made it clear that one approach opened doors of possibility, while the other slammed them shut. In this vignette, Sophie experienced both ends of that continuum and reaped the consequences of each. Logical thinking (LT), communication (COM), and emotional competence (EC) are essential developmental competencies that this version of Kristen was teaching her daughter early. Whereas the teenage version of Sophie we met earlier was seriously lacking in these areas and we saw how much it cost her, especially in her relationship with her mother.

It’s good that Kristen did not simply make the question of the sleep over a simple yes or no, moment in time, but rather a process in need of engagement and multiple layers to its resolution. Too often, the impulsive requests or demands of children are mirrored by the impulsive responses given by their parents. Most requests require more than a yes or no. Besides, you know very well there will be a follow up “WHY?” anyway. It’s a process – a process of analyzing before acting. By making it so, we are teaching that approach to our children.

Destiny Time and Rage

Destiny is a train wreck waiting to happen. Well maybe not a train wreck. We should save that level of intensity for describing the teenage Sophie’s relationship with her unreliable boyfriend. But there are plenty of parallels between the two relationships. We can all see that Destiny is not the friend we want Sophie to pick. So why can’t Kristen just straighten her out? What would happen if she just flat out told Sophie, “No, this girl is trouble and you can’t be friends with her”? Sophie would dig in her heals and the conflict would be between Kristen and Sophie rather than within Sophie where it belonged. Kristen is trying to get Sophie to reflect upon how she is being treated and what constitutes being a good friend. She is helping Sophie bring some logical thinking (LT) to her relationships. She is also challenging her to ask herself what she deserves, which is a good move in the direction of developing a healthy self-esteem (GSE). Read through this next vignette and see what you think of Kristen’s efforts.

“Destiny is my best friend now,” Sophie told Kristen during one of their teatimes in the food court of the mall.

“Oh, that’s nice,” said Kristen. “I bet it feels really good to have a best friend.”

“Yeah, it does,” said Sophie. “I haven’t had a best friend since Claire moved away in 1^st grade.”

“I remember how sad that was when she moved,” agreed Kristen.

“That’s why I’m so happy that Destiny is my best friend,” Sophie said.

“It sounds like you had a great time at her sleepover last weekend,” Kristen said.

“I’m glad you let me go. If you wouldn’t have let me go, we wouldn’t be best friends,” Sophie told her.

“Really?” asked Kristen, surprised at how much this had played into the friendship.

“Yeah, cause we stayed up even later than everyone else,” Sophie said. “We were talking and laughing. That’s how we got to be best friends.”

“That makes sense,” Kristen said.

“So now you know why I need to spend special time with Destiny,” Sophie said. “So we can stay best friends.”

“Do you spend special time with her at school, like at lunch and recess?” Kristen asked.

“Yeah,” Sophie said. “But Destiny is really popular so there are a lot of other girls around all the time at lunch and recess, cause they all want to hang out with her. That’s why I need to go to Destiny’s house after school. So it will be just her and me and we can stay best friends. You know, like Julia goes to Anna’s house to play after school.”

“I see,” said Kristen. “Well, I do understand that it’s important for best friends to spend time with each other. Like Julia and Anna. But I’m not sure how it would work for you to go to Destiny’s house after school. Doesn’t her Mom work til late?”

“Yeah, but Destiny’s allowed to be at home by herself after school. She’s really responsible, you know.”

“She does seem really responsible,” Kristen agreed. “But it sounds like her mom and I have a different take on 10 year olds staying home by themselves. That’s why you go to the afterschool program til I pick you up after work.”

“Yeah, and I get really tired of the afterschool program,” Sophie said. “And anyway, if Destiny and me are together, I won’t be by myself,” Sophie said. “And if Julia gets to go to Anna’s house two times a week instead of going to the afterschool program, I should be allowed to go to Destiny’s house two times a week too.”

“But Anna’s mom is there with them when Julia is there,” Kristen said.

“Well, that’s because they’re still babies,” Sophie said. “But Destiny and me, we’re big. We can take care of ourselves.”

“I know it seems like it should be the same situation,” Kristen said. “But it’s not. Anna’s mom takes Anna and Julia back to their house after school, and it’s really close to here so I can pick Julia up there after work. Destiny takes the bus home after school, and the rules are that you can’t go with her on the bus. Plus, her house is a 30 minute drive for me to pick you up. Added to the fact that there is no parent there after school, those things create a lot of obstacles. I love that the two of you are friends, but I don’t see how it would work for the two of you to get together after school without adult supervision.”

“But that’s not fair,” Sophie said. “Julia gets to be with her best friend and I don’t get to be with mine.”

“I know it doesn’t seem fair,” said Kristen. “But can’t you see that no adult supervision makes it unacceptable?”

“All I see is that it’s NOT FAIR.” Sophie was building volume into a scream.

“Now, this is where you have a choice,” Kristen said, looking intently at Sophie. “We can keep discussing this and come up with ways for you and Destiny to spend time together. But if you go into a rage, we will not be able to discuss it. And if you scream, we will have to leave the mall and end our teatime. Do you really want to throw a tantrum here in the mall?”

Sophie looked around. It would be embarrassing to have her mom drag her kicking and screaming out of the mall. What if someone she knew saw her? But she couldn’t shake her anger and frustration. “You make me really, really mad,” Sophie snarled at Kristen

“I understand that you’re angry,” Kristen said. “It’s okay to be angry at me. But it’s not okay to let your rage get the best of you and for you to throw a tantrum and scream. We’ve talked about that before. So, try taking a few deep breaths. Make believe Hobo is here. Make believe he’s giving you a hug. Do what it takes to calm yourself down. Then we can talk.” She paused to give Sophie a minute. “I’m guessing if we talk about it, we can find ways for you and Destiny to spend some time together outside of school.”

Sophie took a few deep breaths. She looked like she was concentrating hard.

“Good,” Kristen said. “That’s it. Hobo would be proud of you. I’m proud of you, too.”

Sophie took another breath. “What kind of ways,” she said.

“You mean for you and Destiny to spend time together?” Kristen asked.

“Yeah.”

“What about weekends?” Kristen said. “Maybe on our weekends together Destiny could come over on a Saturday or Sunday afternoon.”

“Maybe,” Sophie said. “But what if she’s busy? And that still isn’t like twice a week. Not like Julia gets with Anna. It’s only every other weekend.”

“I know it is frustrating. Julia is with Anna AND her mother twice a week. Anna’s mom is key to making that happen,” Kristen said. “Now let’s figure out how you and Destiny can spend more time together, because an adult can be with the two of you.”

“You mean and not do it after school?” Sophie snarled.

“Right,” Kristen said. “I’m trying to find a good compromise, because it just isn’t going to work without the adult supervision.”

“Maybe Destiny could come over at night?” Sophie said.

“School nights are too busy,” Kristen said. “After dinner there’s homework and then it’s practically bedtime.”

“Well, when else is there?” Sophie said in frustration.

“Well, there are Friday nights,” Kristen thought out loud.

Sophie straightened up a bit. “Could we have sleepovers on Friday nights?” she asked.

“I think a Friday night is a great idea,” Kristen said. “If it’s okay with Destiny’s mom and if you don’t stay up too late. You wouldn’t want to be too tired for your special days with me or Dad.”

“We could do that,” Sophie said. “Could Destiny come over next Friday night? Could I ask her?”

“Sure,” Kristen said. “That sounds good.”

ANALYSIS

Kristen really made A MESS of this interaction. Otherwise, it could have been a real mess. She recognized how important relationships are to Sophie, which contributed to Sophie’s single-minded focus on going to Destiny’s house, without regard for expectations Kristen has for adult supervision. Instead of foreclosing any discussion because the lack of supervision is a deal breaker, she allowed Sophie to stay engaged with searching for an agreeable solution. But to do that, she first had to help Sophie calm down enough to continue that discussion. Sophie is still in need of Kristen’s help in getting herself calm, with reminders that she can control her tantrum and breathe to calm herself. Eventually, Kristen and Kent will help her find ways to calm herself on her own. Once she was calm, she did a pretty good job of arriving at a compromise that worked. That is an important piece of mastery for Sophie – getting to calm so that she can rationally solve problems

Destiny’s Gopher

With the teenage Sophie we were concerned that she was giving up her body and her soul to cling to a no-good boyfriend. So, starting over at this younger age, we get to catch these same themes in much more benign form. There’s a world of difference between putting out sex and fetching a ketchup packet, or is there? See what you think of the relationship issues being addressed by Kristen, with your prior knowledge of the accommodations Sophie was making as a teenager.

“Hey, Sophie, could you get me another ketchup packet.”

“Sure,” Sophie said. She ran up and grabbed the ketchup for Destiny.

When she came back to the lunch table, she heard Jennifer and Brianna giggling, stopping as soon as she sat down.

“What?” Sophie asked them.

“Nothing,” they said. But Sophie was sure they were laughing about her.

“Don’t worry about them,” Destiny said. “Hey, do you think you could grab me a napkin?” she said. “I’m really making a mess with this ketchup.”

Sophie jumped up to get the napkin.

“Hey, can you get us a napkin too,” Jennifer and Brianna called to her.

“Get your own napkins,” Sophie told them when she sat down. “I don’t let people boss me around.”

“You got Destiny a napkin,” they said.

“Yeah, well she’s my best friend,” Sophie said. “That’s different.”

“We’ll be your best friends too if you get us a napkin,” Jennifer said.

“Quit teasing me,” Sophie said. She finished the rest of the school day sulking. Why were they being mean?

The next morning, at the end of their normal “before the bell rang” chat by Destiny’s desk, Destiny told Sophie that she had a secret.

“I’ll tell you later,” she told Sophie. “It’s important.”

Sophie couldn’t wait. She loved the way Destiny confided in her.

On the way to lunch, Destiny snuck Sophie a note. Sophie opened it and read while they were walking in line.

“Garrett says his big brother Ryan likes me. I need you to find Ryan at lunch and ask him if he likes me. Okay?”

Sophie looked back at Destiny, walking behind her. Destiny knew that Sophie didn’t like boys. And she wanted Sophie to go talk to Ryan, a 6^th grader? Ryan was a big kid. Like scary big. And he would be sitting on the whole other side of the cafeteria. Sophie would get in trouble if she went over there. The 4^th graders were supposed to stay on their half of the cafeteria.

Suddenly Sophie had a ge stomach ache. “I need to go to the nurse’s office,” she said to Ms. Green when they got to the cafeteria. She could hardly stand up, her stomach hurt so badly.

After Kristen came to pick her up, Sophie threw up. Kristen felt her forehead. “You’re not warm,” Kristen said. “Do you think you’ve caught a stomach bug?”

“I don’t know,” Sophie said.

But she did know. When Kristen left her in her room to nap for a while, Sophie took the note out of her pocket. How could Destiny ask her to talk to Ryan? The whole idea of boys liking girls gave her the shivers. And, anyway, she was too scared to talk to a big kid like Ryan. It made her stomach start to hurt again, just thinking about it. She fell asleep holding Hobo and the note.

When Sophie woke up, Kristen was in the room checking on her. “What’s this?” she asked Sophie about the note.

“Oh, nothing.” Sophie tried to stuff it in her pocket.

“Sophie, if something’s going on, I’d like to know about it,” Kristen said.

Sophie handed her the note.

“It’s from Destiny?” Kristen asked.

Sophie nodded.

“Tell me about what’s going on,” Kristen said.

“Destiny wanted me to ask a 6^th grader if he liked her,” Sophie said.

“During lunch today?” Kristen asked, looking at the note.

“Yeah,” Sophie said.

“I wonder why she asked you to do that,” Kristen said.

“I don’t know. Sometimes she just asks me to do things. Best friends do that.”

“Do you ask Destiny to do things?” Kristen asked, knowing that Sophie had a bossy side too.

“No,” Sophie admitted.

“What else does Destiny ask you to do?” Kristen asked.

“Oh, you know, just little things like getting ketchup and napkins at lunch time,” Sophie said.

“I see,” Kristen said, surprised to hear this about Sophie, who normally did not take orders from anyone. “And how do you feel about that?”

“I like helping Destiny because she’s my best friend. And it makes her like me better,” Sophie said.

“Hmm,” Kristen thought. “Does that mean you think she wouldn’t like you if you didn’t do the things she asked?”

“Maybe,” Sophie said. “I mean it’s not like I go around doing everything anyone asks me to do. Like at lunch yesterday, Jennifer and Brianna asked me to get them napkins too when I was getting a napkin for Destiny and I told them to get their own napkins,” Sophie said.

“So you only get things for Destiny, and that’s because you think she may not like you as much if you didn’t?” Kristen said.

“I want her to keep being my best friend,” Sophie said.

“Best friends are really nice to have,” Kristen said. “And it’s nice to BE a best friend, too. What do you think the most important things are about being a best friend?”

“Oh, you know… having fun together, doing special things, telling secrets. That kind of thing,” Sophie said.

“On your list, would you include telling your best friend to do things for you, like get you ketchup?” Kristen asked softly.

Sophie paused. “I don’t know,” she said. She hadn’t thought of it from that point of view before. She had never asked her other friends to do things for her like that. Why was it okay for Destiny to do this?

“Or telling your best friend to do things that are against the rules?” Kristen asked. “Isn’t it against the rules, for 4^th graders to go to the 6^th grade side of the lunchroom?”

“Yeah,” Sophie said.

“Destiny’s special,” Sophie said. “She’s really popular and everyone likes her, so she can do that and it’s okay,” Sophie said.

“Why is it okay for Destiny but not anyone else?” Kristen asked.

“I told you. She’s popular. Lots of people like her and want to be her best friend. If I want to stay her best friend I have to do those things,” Sophie said.

“But I still don’t understand why Destiny gets special rules. Shouldn’t all people follow the same rules of courtesy and friendship, and all treat each other with respect?”

Sophie didn’t say anything.

“There’s something I’m wondering,” Kristen said. “Is that when your stomach started hurting today, when Destiny gave you the note asking you to talk to Ryan?”

“Maybe,” Sophie said.

Kristen waited.

“Ok. Yeah,” Sophie admitted.

“Why do you think your stomach started to hurt right then?” Kristen asked.

“I don’t know,” Sophie said.

“Did her note make you feel wrong inside?” Kristen prompted.

“Yeah,” Sophie said. “Like I didn’t know what to do because I’m scared to talk to 6^th grade boys and I didn’t want to get in trouble at lunch, but I didn’t want to not do it because then Destiny would be mad at me.”

“Ah,” said Kristen. “So you were in a bind. That was a very difficult decision to be faced with.”

“What’s a bind?”

“When you have to choose one way or another and each choice feels wrong.”

“Yeah,” said Sophie. “I still don’t know what to do.”

“Let’s go over what your options are,” Kristen said. “We’ll write them down. That sometimes helps to make things more clear.” She got out a pencil and paper. “Okay, what are all the choices you have?”

“Talking to Ryan in the lunch room and hoping I don’t get in trouble or get too nervous,” Sophie said.

“Right, that’s one option,” Kristen said, writing it down. “What would be the good and bad things that would come from doing that?”

“Well the good thing is that Destiny would still like me because I did what she wanted,” Sophie said. “And the bad thing would be I’d be scared to talk to Ryan and I might get in trouble.”

“Right,” said Kristen. “I’ll write that down. And here’s something I wonder: If you talked to Ryan and chose that option, what might be the next thing that would happen after that, with Destiny?”

“She’d say thank you?” Sophie said.

“And after that… maybe the next day or the day after that?” Kristen prompted.

“I don’t know,” Sophie said. Then she paused. “Oh, I think I know what you’re thinking… you think she might ask me to do more things for her?”

“Right,” said Kristen. “It seems to me that if you did this, she might think it was okay to ask you to do something else, maybe even bigger. Do you think so?”

“Like she asked me to get ketchup and napkins and then she thought she could ask me to do this, and if I do this she might ask me to do more?” Sophie asked.

“Exactly,” Kristen said. “It’s almost like if you do one thing, it’s giving Destiny permission to ask you to do something else. Like you’re saying it’s okay for her to boss you around. And is that okay?”

“Not to make me do something to get me in trouble,” Sophie said.

“I agree,” Kristen said.

“So what are my other options?” Sophie asked.

“You tell me,” Kristen said, holding up her pencil.

“I guess I could tell Destiny I can’t do it,” Sophie said.

“Right,” said Kristen, writing it down. “And what would be the good or bad things that come from that?”

“Well, I wouldn’t have to talk to Ryan and I wouldn’t get in trouble,” Sophie said. “But the bad thing is Destiny would be mad at me and she might not be my friend.”

“True,” said Kristen. “That would be the risk. If you chose that option, and told Destiny you couldn’t do what she asked, how might the conversation go?” Kristen asked.

“Well, I’d say I couldn’t do it because I was scared to talk to Ryan. Then she’d say she really wanted me to do it because she had to know if he liked her. Then I’d say I might get in trouble in the lunch room. Then she’d say ‘I thought you were my best friend.’ Then I’d say I AM your best friend. Then she’d say ‘Well, best friends do things for each other, but you didn’t so that means you’re not my best friend anymore.” Sophie stopped. “And I don’t want that to happen,” she said.

“Could the conversation have any other endings?” Kristen asked.

“Well, maybe,” said Sophie.

“Like what?” Kristen asked. “Think about what we talked about earlier about what you think a good best friend should be like.”

“You mean how they shouldn’t ask people to do things?” Sophie whispered.

“Right,” Kristen said. “Do you think that could go in your conversation?”

“You mean if I told her that best friends shouldn’t ask their friends to do things for them all the time or do something that’s against the rules? She’d hate me if I said that,” Sophie said.

“Do you know that for sure?” Kristen asked. “Try it with me. Make believe I’m Destiny. Let’s see what happens.”

“Okay… I can’t ask Ryan if he likes you.”

“Why not?” Kristen said

“It’s against the rules, and I’d be scared,” Sophie responded

“But if you liked me, you’d do it,” Kristen said as Destiny.

“I do like you, and I want to stay your friend,” Sophie said. “But I can’t do things for you all the time, and I can’t do something that’s against the rules. It’s not right.”

“GOOD!” said Kristen.

“Destiny wouldn’t say that,” Sophie said.

“Oh, I got so excited I forgot to be Destiny,” Kristen said. “Say what you said again and I’ll respond as Destiny.”

“I said I do like you, and I want to stay your friend. But I can’t do things for you all the time, and I can’t do something that’s against the rules. It’s not right.”

“Oh, I see. Well, that kinda makes me upset, but I respect that you’re telling me what you think,” Kristen as Destiny said. “And how am I gonna know if he likes me?”

Sophie thought about it. “Doesn’t Brianna have a sister in 6^th grade. Gretchen? Maybe we could ask Brianna to ask Gretchen to ask him?”

“Hey, that’s a great idea!” Kristen as Destiny said. “Good. Then we both get what we want. Would you go with me to talk to Brianna?”

“Sure,” said Sophie.

“Hey, that worked pretty well,” Sophie said to Kristen.

Kristen smiled.

“I guess I should pick that option and try it tomorrow in school?” Sophie said.

“Sounds like a great idea to me,” said Kristen.

ANALYSIS

Sophie had a real mess on her hands, didn’t she? Fortunately she had Kristen to show her how to purposefully make A MESS. Remember the messes the teenage Sophie was in? The older Sophie was desperate to hold on to her (not so great) boyfriend and relied heavily on marijuana to calm her anxiety and episodic rage. That version of Sophie was not talking (COM) to a mother who could be helping her make sense of relationships (REL), think logically (LT) about effective solutions to her problems, and understand the basis for her intolerable feelings (EC).

Let’s take a look at how the grade school aged Sophie benefited from the 2.0 version of Kristen. Sophie really was in a bind: the classic self vs. relatedness bind. She feared that sticking up for herself or speaking her mind would threaten the loss of her relationship with Destiny. This is the same bind the older Sophie felt when pressured by her 19-year-old boyfriend to have sex. Fourth grade, lunchroom politics was a much better place to start – don’t you agree?

Kristen was attuned (A) to the fact that as a fourth-grader, Sophie was not able to put her relationship with Destiny in perspective, nor appreciate the role played by emotions, let alone significant issues. Kristen was aware of Sophie’s (cognitive) ability to make sense of situations, her sensitivity to loss and her ability to handle relationship problems. Without attuned involvement, Sophie was vulnerable to concluding she needed to do whatever it takes to hold on to relationships, regardless of how she is treated, needing constant proof that she is loved and valued. Did you see how Kristen 2.0’s inquiry helped Sophie reach some different conclusions?

The simplest benefit that came of Kristen’s questioning was the connection she helped Sophie make between her anxiety and her stomachache. It was like her stomach was telling her something was wrong before her brain did. Taken one step further, Kristen was teaching her to tune into those feelings because they convey important meaning. If she feels that bad, then there was something wrong taking place. In this case, it was an alarm bell for the unreasonable bind she found herself in with Destiny’s request. Contemplating doing something wrong registered in her gut, sending her home. Kristen helped her translate that emotional message (EC) into an effective plan of action to correct what was wrong to begin with. Without that intervention, Sophie could easily have found school hard to tolerate because of her stomach problems. Without that understanding, doctors could have been treating the stomachaches, instead of the real issues (I-E-B-R).

Kristen asked Sophie to tell her how best friends should treat each other. Without her mother’s help, Sophie would have been unable to calmly engage in an analysis of relationships or reach conclusions about what she wants from her friendships. If you are keeping score, their dialogue was a great example of providing sufficient calm (SS) to sustain engagement (E) to analyze (A) her relationship and set goals (M) – goals in the area of relationships (REL), communication (COM), logical thinking (LT), and emotional competence (EC).

In her desperation to hold on to relationships, Sophie tends to overlook or fail to acknowledge information she just doesn’t want to face. We all knew her boyfriend was using her, yet she clung to the notion that he loved her and was committed to her. This younger version of Sophie is clinging the same flawed notion of her friend Destiny’s commitment to her. Kristen needs to tread lightly, but she will help Sophie stay engaged in examining her relationships as well as how she is being treated. Without Kristen’s help, Sophie will selectively look at the relationship with Destiny and refuse to think and feel deeply about the treatment she is experiencing.

Three’s A Crowd

Sophie has to do even more careful thinking about her relationship with Destiny, as Kristen helps her deal with her next set of Destiny-related challenges.

“Jennifer is gonna come over tonight with Destiny,” Sophie said to Kristen one Friday evening before her regular sleepover time.

“She is?” Kristen said, surprised. “Whose idea was that? Shouldn’t you have asked permission first?”

“It was Destiny’s idea. And I knew you’d say it was okay,” Sophie said.

“How did you know that?” Kristen asked.

“Cause you’re nice,” Sophie said. “At least usually.” She smiled.

“You’re trying to butter me up, hmm?” Kristen said. “Okay, Jennifer can come over this time, but next time please ask me ahead of time, before you say okay.”

“Okay,” Sophie said.

“And how do you feel about Destiny inviting someone else to be part of your sleepover? I thought this was your special time to be together,” Kristen said.

“It’s okay,” Sophie said quickly. “I’m gonna go to my room now.”

Kristen wasn’t so sure that it was okay, so that night she kept her ears open as the three girls played. For a while, everything seemed to go smoothly. They made chocolate chip cookies together and got along well. Later, though, the three of them barricaded themselves into Sophie’s room and Kristen could hear some troubled tones in their whispers. Then she saw Sophie sneaking down the hall to Julia’s room, and coming out a few minutes later with a couple of Julia’s favorite stuffed animals.

“What are you doing?” Kristen asked her as she came out into the hallway.

“Nothing,” Sophie said, trying to get past her.

“You’ve got Tubby and Tiger,” Kristen said. “Julia’s going to be going to bed in a few minutes. She’ll miss them. Why are you taking them to your room?”

“I just AM,” Sophie said. “Can you move, please?” She tried to get by again.

“Sophie, I don’t want to interrupt your fun, but in this house we don’t take things from other people. Those are Julia’s stuffed animals. You wouldn’t like it if she took Hobo, would you?”

“I don’t care about Hobo anymore,” Sophie said. “I’m too grown up for that. Now I have my friends.”

“And did your friends have something to do with your reason for taking Julia’s things? This is not something you’ve ever done on your own.”

“No….” Sophie said slowly. “It was my idea. We just wanted more animals to play with.”

Kristen could hear the deceit in Sophie’s voice. “Really?” she asked.

“Here,” Sophie said, throwing the two stuffed animals down on the ground. “Just take them. You ruin everything!” She ran into her room and slammed the door.

The rest of the night went without more problems, and Sophie seemed intent on avoiding any in depth conversations that week, so Kristen let the incident go. The following weekend, after picking up Sophie from Destiny’s house on Saturday morning following their next sleepover, Kristen could sense that there was something wrong.

“How did things go?” she asked Sophie in the car.

“Fine,” Sophie said curtly.

“You don’t sound so fine,” Kristen said. “And you look mighty tired. Tell me about what happened.”

“I said I’m fine,” Sophie said.

“Was it just you and Destiny together last night, or did she invite other girls to join you,” Kristen asked.

“Jennifer and Brianna too,” Sophie mumbled.

“Oh,” Kristen said. “So it was more like a slumber party instead of a special sleepover between you and Destiny?”

“Destiny just likes to have other people around sometimes. She gets bored with just me,” Sophie said.

“Really?” Kristen asked. “I’ve always thought you were quite interesting to be around… never boring. Why do you think Destiny thinks that?”

“I don’t know, but it’s okay. I mean I’m not as popular as Jennifer or Brianna, so maybe that’s why,” Sophie said.

“But you and Destiny are special friends, so why does being popular with other people matter?” Kristen asked.

“It just DOES, Mom, okay,” Sophie said. “I don’t want to talk about it. Nothing’s wrong.”

“Okay,” Kristen said. “Though I do wonder why you look so tired. Did you go to bed by 10 p.m. like we’d agreed?”

“Popular people don’t go to bed at 10 p.m. at sleepovers,” Sophie said. “That’s nerdy.”

“Well, it may be nerdy, but those were the rules. Destiny’s mother knows that and Destiny knows that too. Didn’t she follow the rules?”

“She never follows rules like that, Mom. Those are stupid rules.”

“So how late did you stay up?” Kristen asked.

“I don’t know… maybe 1….”

“1:00 a.m.?” Kristen said.

“I said I don’t know,” Sophie said.

“And what did you do all that time? That’s a lot of time to fill,” Kristen said.

“Oh, we kept busy,” Sophie said. “Making phone calls and stuff.”

“Phone calls??” Kristen said, trying to keep her voice calm but not necessarily succeeding.

“Oh, never mind,” Sophie said. “You wouldn’t understand.”

“Try me,” Kristen said. “I had my share of sleepovers too, you know.”

“Just to boys and stuff,” Sophie said.

“Calling boys…during the wee hours of the night?” Kristen asked. “Did you do this too? This isn’t something you’d think of doing on your own.”

“I liked doing it,” Sophie said.

“Really?” Kristen asked. “Whose idea was it to call the boys?”

“I don’t know,” Sophie said.

“Try to remember,” Kristen said.

“I guess Destiny’s,” Sophie whispered.

“And do you think this was a responsible thing to do?” Kristen asked.

“It was just for fun,” Sophie said.

“But was it responsible to call boys during the wee hours of the night? And who’s phone did you use? And what did you say to the boys?” Kristen looked over just in time to catch Sophie’s deep blush.

“I don’t want to talk about it,” Sophie said.

“Did you use Destiny’s mother’s cell phone?”

Sophie nodded.

“Without her permission?”

“Destiny’s my best friend,” Sophie shouted. “And if she wants to do those things, I’m gonna do them with her. Cause I like her and she likes me…and it’s fun.”

“Do you think Destiny would still like you if you didn’t do those things?” Kristen asked.

That stopped Sophie. “I don’t know,” she said.

“I would think that you’d want a friend who would like you for who you were, not what you did,” Kristen said.

“Destiny does like me for who I am,” Sophie said.

“Then why did she invite other girls to join you?” Kristen asked.

“I told you,” Sophie said. “She just thinks it’s more fun that way. She gets bored with just me.”

“That doesn’t seem like a real, true friend to me,” Kristen said.

“Well, she is a real, true friend,” Sophie said. They had reached the apartment and Sophie stormed in and went to her room.

Later, Kristen gathered her thoughts, and allowed Sophie some time alone. Then she knocked on Sophie’s door and sat down with her for a while.

“Did Destiny and the other girls pressure you to make some of the phone calls?” Kristen asked.

“At first I said no,” Sophie mumbled. “But they laughed at me and said mean things like I was a chicken. So I did it. And anyway, it turned out it was fun,” she said.

“Well then, why did you say no at first?” Kristen asked.

Sophie looked at her. “You know why,” she said.

“You tell me,” Kristen said.

“Because we shouldn’t have,” Sophie whispered.

“Shouldn’t have done those things?” Kristen asked.

Sophie nodded.

“When you said no, it was because you knew these things were wrong – like taking Julia’s stuffed animals last weekend was wrong, too,” Kristen said. “Was that also Destiny’s idea?”

Sophie nodded.

“And you knew taking Destiny’s mom’s cell phone and calling boys was wrong. I’m glad you tried to say no. That makes me proud of you. But then, why did you give in and go along with it?”

“I told you, Destiny’s my best friend and she’s cool. Those kind of things are what cool, popular girls do. Aren’t you glad I’m cool and popular? You should be, you know.”

“There’s nothing wrong with being cool and popular,” Kristen said. “But even more important that that is being true to who YOU are,” Kristen said. “I want you be a girl who does things that are right and feels good about who you are. Not a girl who does things that are wrong, just to be cool and popular, and doesn’t feel good about who she is. Don’t you think it’s more important to feel good about who you are and what you do, than to be popular?”

“I want Destiny to be my best friend,” Sophie said.

“Are you sure Destiny is your best friend?” Kristen asked. “Why is she inviting other people to your sleepovers?”

“Of course, Destiny is my best friend,” Sophie said.

“You know, a friend of mine once said that we deserve friends who celebrate us,” Kristen said. “What do you think that means?”

“I don’t know?” Sophie said. “Celebrate your birthday?”

“More than that,” Kristen said. “It means friends who celebrate who you are. Who are glad you’re YOU. Who don’t try to change you but who value you because you are who you are.”

“That’s grown up talk,” Sophie said.

“Maybe,” said Kristen. “But do you understand it?”

“A little,” Sophie said. “You mean if Destiny likes me for who I am?”

“Right,” Kristen said. “Does she?”

“Yeah,” Sophie said, defensively.

“Even when she laughed at you for not wanting to make the phone calls to the boys?”

“Well, usually she treats me well,” Sophie said. “That was just because Jennifer and Brianna were there.”

“Who she invited – even though it was your special sleepover time,” Kristen noted. “And don’t you think you deserve to be treated well all the time?” Kristen asked. “You’re always arguing with me to treat you well – and I do. Shouldn’t your friends do the same?”

Sophie shrugged. “But I don’t want to lose her as a friend,” she said.

“I know that would hurt a lot, to lose Destiny as a friend,” Kristen said. “But I also know that it hurts us just as much inside if we don’t feel that we’re valued.”

“I’d rather have that than not having Destiny as a friend,” Sophie said.

“You’d rather feel not valued?” Kristen asked.

“Yeah, I can deal with that better than I could deal with not being Destiny’s best friend,” Sophie said.

“That’s a lot to give up… a really high price to pay,” Kristen said.

Sophie shrugged.

“If you had a kitten, would you give it to just any home where they might not treat it well, or would you make sure it went to a home where it was treated with love, and valued.”

“Of course, I’d make sure it went to a good home,” Sophie said.

“So the kitten deserves to be valued, but you don’t?” Kristen asked.

“I think my brain is gonna explode,” Sophie said. “Can we stop talking now?”

“We can stop talking now,” Kristen said. “But these are important things to think about. Will you keep thinking about them?”

“Yeah,” Sophie said.

ANALYSIS

Many times kids are unable or unwilling to deal with issues head on, but can talk about them in the third person, or via cats and dogs. Kristen has been good about finding threads in their lives to weave together. Although Sophie was not ready to defend herself against the peer pressure to go along and fit in, she was ready to be the champion for a homeless kitten. Kristen recognized areas of passion put them to good use. The teenage version of Sophie did not do a good job of taking care of herself. In the end, we found her willing to take better care of her new baby than she had for herself. It is much better to start early with kittens instead of waiting until the stakes are higher with babies. The teenage Sophie stood up to her boyfriend in defense of her unborn baby. What we wished for was the ability to do that earlier in defense of herself. That is the theme Kristen was coopting early, in childhood, by asking Sophie what she wanted and deserved in a friend.

Abandoned

Sophie and Destiny had had several successful Friday night sleepovers, with just the two of them again. From the giggling Kristen heard in Sophie’s room, their friendship seemed to be going strong. It seemed as if somehow, they’d worked things out. So, Kristen was surprised when she got a call from the school office just after lunchtime one day. “Sophie isn’t feeling well. Can you come pick her up?”

When Kristen picked her up from the nurses office, Sophie could barely contain her tears long enough to leave the building. By the time they got to the car, Sophie was sobbing uncontrollably.

“Honey, what’s wrong?” Kristen asked her, giving her a hug in the car.

“Sh…. Sh… she doesn’t like me anymore,” Sophie choked out.

“You mean Destiny?” asked Kristen.

Sophie nodded.

“What happened?”

“I don’t know,” Sophie sobbed. “She let Je.. Je… Jennifer sit next to her at lunch. And she wouldn’t even l… l… look at me. I had to sit by m…m… m…. myself.”

“Oh, Sophie,” Kristen said, her heart breaking. “I’m so sorry. Let’s go home, snuggle on the couch and figure this out.” I’ll pamper you a little. Maybe a backrub?”

Sophie sobbed all the way home, and through the backrub.

“Do you think there might be some other reason why Destiny sat with Jennifer at lunch today?” Kristen asked when Sophie had calmed a little. “Were they working on a project together at school?”

“No,” Sophie said. “It’s not just that. This morning in class, she walked right by me on her way to her desk. She didn’t even stop and say hi like she usually does.”

“Hmmm,” Kristen said. “Did anything happen between you two? Any reason why she might be mad?”

“I don’t know,” Sophie said. “I told you that. We were best friends yesterday when we left school. I don’t know what happened.” Sophie started to cry again.

“Okay, sweetie,” Kristen held her for a while again. “Let’s take a break from talking.”

The two of them watched tv for a while. When they turned off the set, Kristen said, “I have a suggestion.”

“What?” Sophie asked.

“Well, I’ve found that when I have a problem with a friend, the best way to handle it is to talk with them. Otherwise, we don’t know what’s wrong and we can’t work it out.”

“You want me to talk to Destiny?” Sophie said.

“You could call her and tell her that you noticed she was acting differently. You could ask her why.”

Sophie thought about it. “But what if she tells me she hates me?” she asked softly.

“I wish I could tell you that won’t happen,” Kristen said. “But if you know the reason, then you can figure out what to do about it. Right now, you believe she doesn’t like you anymore.”

“I don’t want to hear her say it,” Sophie worried.

“Do you really think she just quit liking you?”

“No,” Sophie said. “I guess not.”

“And if she tells you what’s wrong, it will give you a chance to talk things out.”

“Yeah,” said Sophie. Sophie went into her room to make the call, using her mom’s cell phone. She came out about 10 minutes later.

“That was fast,” Kristen said.

“Yeah,” Sophie said sadly. “She said there wasn’t anything wrong. She said she wasn’t mad at me. She just wants to be best friends with Jennifer now. That’s why (she acted that way).”

“Oh,” Kristen said, letting her breath out slowly. “Well,” Kristen went on. “That’s too bad. Come here and let me hug you.”

“I can’t,” Sophie said, starting to cry again. “I can’t go back to school. I can’t do anything.”

“ I know you are really hurt. I can understand why you wouldn’t want to go to school. It would be hard to be there,” Kristen said.

“Yeah. I don’t want be there and have her ignore me; or other kids know she’s not my friend any more,” Sophie began to sob.

“Yeah. That would be really hard to do, being around somebody who hurt you,” Kristen said.

“So what should I do?” Sophie asked.

“Remember before you and Destiny became friends? A few months ago, before that sleepover? You went to school, you had other friends, you took care of Mr. Hamster for Ms. Green. You were doing fine, and that was all before you got to be friends with Destiny. Do you remember that?” she asked Sophie.

Sophie shrugged.

“I remember it. Now, I know that losing Destiny’s friendship hurts a lot. But you were okay before her friendship and in time, you will again to be okay after it too.”

“No, I won’t,” Sophie said. “You don’t understand!” She stormed out of the room and went to her bedroom. Kristen could hear her sobbing. She wanted so badly to do something, and thought about calling Destiny’s mother to see what she knew, but she decided against it. Friendships at that age could be fickle. What was there to do?

ANALYSIS

Instead of reaching for a solution, Kristen took time to think about how her conversation with Sophie had gone. She felt as if she’d done something wrong. Sophie had been receptive to what she’d had to say until the end, when she’d talked about how Sophie had been okay before Destiny’s friendship and would be okay after it. Why did this happen, Kristen wondered.

This is an interesting observation that Kristen has made about herself. She was aware that Sophie was sensitive to loss and recognized that she had been too quick to reassure Sophie in an effort to soothe the pain of losing her best friend. Grade school and middle school can be brutal for kids like Sophie, when friendships shift. Having gone through a divorce, Kristen knew the pain of losing someone she trusted and believed cared about her. Upon reflection, Kristen realized that probably had something to do with how quickly she jumped in to reassure Sophie that everything would be okay (and offered advice about how to make it so). But grieving a loss requires suffering through the process – the anger and sadness. We can’t just skip to the acceptance part, even though we intellectually know it is down the road. Believing that we understand and accept the loss can be an intellectual exercise in defending ourselves against the anger and sadness we feel (and need to feel). This strategy is defensive and avoidant – not unlike Sophie’s wish to not return to school, so she won’t have to be around Destiny (and feel so sad and angry).

After some good self-reflection, Kristen was ready to try again to have a talk with Sophie about losing her friendship with Destiny.

“Can I come in?” Kristen said, knocking on Sophie’s door.

“Why?” asked Sophie.

“I realize that telling you you’d be okay after being friends with Destiny because you were okay before it wasn’t what you needed to hear,” Kristen said. “I’m sorry it upset you.”

“That’s because it won’t be the same,” Sophie said. “It never will.”

“I understand,” Kristen said, coming in and sitting down on the bed with Sophie.

“So, what should I do,” Sophie asked again. “How can I go back to school when Destiny will be there and now we’re not friends?”

“It’ll hurt,” Kristen said. “And it’ll be hard to be around her, especially at first, because you’ll remember how it used to be. And you’ll know it’s different between you now.”

“Is this how you feel when you are around Dad?” Sophie asked.

Kristen was taken aback by the question, but paused long enough to take in the question and recognize how she was feeling. “Yeah. That’s how I used to feel with Dad. It was very painful. But I had to work with him because we had you and Julia to take care of. That’s kind of the same for you. You have been hurt, but you still need to go to school, even though Destiny will be there,” Kristen explained.

“I don’t know if I can do that, Mom. It’s just going to make me sad … and mad,” Sophie tried to explain.

“I know. Things really seem unfair sometimes. I know it is hard, but sometimes we need to get back up after we have been knocked down,” Kristen began.

“Don’t give me one of Dad’s sports stories,” Sophie warned.

“Wouldn’t think of it. You know. It was painful for both Dad and me, but we found a way to get along. We aren’t best friends anymore, but I know he is a good Dad and he thinks I’m a good mom,” Kristen reminded her.

“Well Destiny is a crappy friend,” Sophie responded.

“So you’re a little mad, too?” Kristen asked.

“Not just a little, Mom,” Sophie clarified.

ANALYSIS

This discussion was much more helpful. Instead of telling her everything would be okay or telling her what to do so she didn’t feel so bad, Kristen did a better job of listening. She also gave Sophie the message that the pain wouldn’t last forever (which helps her tolerate it).

They made it through dinner, and even some homework, but that night Sophie didn’t sleep. She came into Kristen’s room, holding tight to Hobo, and lay next to Kristen, staring at the ceiling. Kristen dozed off and on, but whenever she woke up, there was Sophie lying awake, looking like she was too scared to go to sleep. Kristen held Sophie tight and uttered reassurances, but other than that she wasn’t sure what to do.

In the moment, all she could do was comfort Sophie. It was not surprising that Sophie couldn’t sleep and not surprising that she wanted her mother’s comfort that night. While awake, she could reassure herself that she didn’t need Destiny and that she could go to school and find other friends. But drifting off to sleep is often the time we are most vulnerable because we can’t just keep reassuring ourselves like that when we are half conscious. In Sophie’s case, it was also not surprising to see her revert to having trouble sleeping. Remember how she told her mom earlier that Hobo was scared of the dark and being alone. This loss left her alone and going to sleep could feel very threatening on a night like that. Kristen wrapped her arms around her and made her feel safe and not alone. The next day, they could figure out what to do next.

Kristen had a sense that this loss, added to Sophie’s other losses, was just too much for her to handle. Yes, kids were resilient, and certainly friendships at this age came and went, but Sophie was hurting. Despite that, Kristen knew that she shouldn’t let Sophie avoid school. Sophie would try to avoid the situation. She’d said she didn’t want to go to school. But Kristen knew that situation would only get worse if she stayed home from school, obsessed about Destiny, and convinced herself she was better off at home. Sophie needed to go back to school, deal with situation, and stay engaged with it.

Back to the Story

So, as difficult as it was, Kristen roused a very drowsy Sophie the next morning and got her off to school. She told Sophie to call if she needed a pep talk.

Kristen felt worried about how Sophie was doing at school and if she could handle this new stressor. Kristen called into work and told them that she’d be a couple hours late. She needed time to think.

“Maybe a run would help me,” she said to herself. Her regular runs always calmed her down and helped her to think clearly. As she was jogging, she realized that maybe this could be an answer for Sophie, too. Sophie had occasionally joined her on walks, and last year for one or two short runs. Sophie seemed to enjoy it, and after the runs Kristen had noticed that Sophie seemed more relaxed and positive.

So, when the office called Kristen at work shortly after lunchtime, Kristen had a plan.

“I made it as long as I could,” Sophie sobbed when Kristen picked her up.

“I know you did. Did you sit by yourself at lunch again today?”

“Yeah,” Sophie said.

“It’s okay,” Kristen said. “You’ll make it longer tomorrow. Are there things you can do to make it easier for you?”

“I don’t know,” said Sophie sadly.

“Well, we’ll keep thinking about it,” Kristen said. “In the meantime, I have an idea.”

“What,” asked Sophie.

“Let’s go on a run together. It’s a beautiful day and it’ll help us both feel better.” (Kristen didn’t mention to Sophie that she’d already run earlier)

Sophie shrugged. “I don’t feel like I have much energy,” she said.

“We’ll take walk breaks if you need them,” Kristen said.

Sophie sensed the “We’re going to do this” attitude that her mother sometimes got, and she actually appreciated the direction her mother was providing, since she felt pretty lost herself. “Okay,” she said.

The run went well. They were enjoyed the sunshine and walked quite a bit when they were done. While they walked, Kristen told her about some simple meditation techniques she used when she felt overwhelmed with things. “I made myself a mantra,” Kristen said.

“What’s a mantra?” Sophie asked.

“It’s a word or image that helps you focus your attention when your brain is all cluttered with stuff,” Kristen explained.

“I’m not sure I understand,” Sophie said.

“For me, it’s a phrase I repeat to myself to settle myself down. My mantra is “glide.” It makes me think of swimming, and gliding in the water after a stroke. It’s a really relaxing feeling, and it reminds me that sometimes in life, we just have to glide too. Relax and go where things take us. Maybe you could think of a mantra too,” Kristen suggested.

“Hmm,” Sophie said. “I’ll try.”

When they came back home, after a shower Sophie said, “Thanks, Mom. That run felt pretty good. It kinda makes me feel calmer, at least for now.”

“That’s all we can ask for sometimes,” Kristen said. “Is to be okay for now.”

“Yeah,” said Sophie.

“Did running give you any ideas about things?” Kristen asked. “Sometimes it helps me think.”

“Well, I did get an idea for tomorrow while I was in the shower,” Sophie said

“Good,” Kristen said. “What is it?”

“I think I’ll ask Rachel and Melody if I can sit with them at lunch. They’re nice. I think they’ll say it’s okay.”

Kristen let out a relieved sigh. “I think that sounds like a wonderful plan,” she said. “And why don’t we plan a run and then pizza and a movie this Friday night? What do you say?”

“Cool,” said Sophie. “I think that sounds good. The farther we run, the more pizza we can eat.”

“You got that right,” Kristen laughed.

ANALYSIS

Sometimes the best solution is not analysis, but just a good run (or swim or workout). Kristen often did both – run and analyze. Kristen’s favorite strategy for relieving stress and getting some valuable thinking done usually involved running. Kristen said once, “The more I obsess, the farther I can run and the farther I run, the less I obsess about my problems and the more I obsess about finding my way home.”

Rescue Cat

If Kristen obsesses too much, Sophie obsesses too little. Kristen’s goal for her daughter is to keep her engaged in examining problems or issues instead of just impulsively reacting to them. Similarly, Kristen recognizes that the easy solution to problems is often just a “yes” or “no,” but lost in that quick exit from the problem is a rich exploration on Sophie’s part of the deeper meaning of things. The following is an example of a situation that Kristen repeatedly wished she could just say, “No” and be done with it, but to her credit she did not. And the outcome? Well, wait ‘til you see what turns out to be Sophie’s burning passion and place in life as an adult. Much of it can be traced back to this sustained effort to keep a problem open and in front of them, rather than eliminating it with a simple, “NO”.

“Mom, MOM!” Sophie called as she threw open the door to the apartment.

“How was your jog?” Kristen called from the kitchen.

“I found a KITTEN!” Sophie called out.

“You did?” Kristen left her dinner preparations.

Sophie held out a tiny white kitten with brown spots and scared green eyes. “I think she’s starving,” Sophie said. “She was whining and crying by a tree in the park. Quick, let’s give her some milk.” Sophie didn’t wait for permission, but went to the kitchen and poured some milk into a bowl.

The kitten lapped it up quickly. Sophie poured some more.

“Wow, she was hungry, and thirsty too,” Kristen said.

“I can feel her ribs,” Sophie said.

“I wonder what happened to her,” Kristen said. She also wondered what was going to happen to Sophie when she realized that the kitten couldn’t stay.

“I don’t know,” Sophie said. “I’m gonna name her Cloudy,” Sophie said. “Because her spots look like clouds and it was cloudy outside when I found her.”

“That’s a nice name,” Kristen said. “But whoever ends up with the kitten may want to name her themselves.”

Sophie looked over at Kristen. “You don’t mean I can’t keep her?” she said, incredulously. “She needs me!”

“She’s lucky you found her. She does need love… and food,” Kristen said.

“That’s for sure,” Sophie said. “But it’s not fair that I can’t keep her – not fair to her or to me. I mean, who else would take care of her? She needs ME.”

“Sophie,” Kristen said quietly. “You’re right. Some things aren’t fair. It wasn’t fair that the kitten was left out in the park by itself. But you found her. You want to make things right for this little kitty. Let’s figure out what’s the best option for this little one you just rescued.”

“But it’ll work out even better if I keep her and feed her. Nobody would have to know. She’ll be quiet,” Sophie said with a quiver in her voice.

“She’s so cute and she really needs a good home,” Kristen said. “We’ve been through this discussion already. I know you remember. We can’t keep a cat in the building, no matter how good you are at keeping her quietly hidden.”

“But then what, Mom?” Sophie said with a sob. “We put her back out in the park – to starve???”

“No, of course not,” Kristen said. “But there are other options.”

“Like what?” Sophie asked. “And don’t tell me to take her to the animal jail!”

“The animal jail? What’s that?” Kristen asked.

“You know, the Humane Society. They just keep those animals locked up in cages. And if nobody wants them, they kill them. I’m not bringing Cloudy there. No way!”

“Where did you get that information?” Kristen asked curiously.

“Everybody knows it,” Sophie said.

“I didn’t know it,” Kristen said. “As a matter of fact, I have a friend who volunteers once a week at the Humane Society, walking the dogs and petting and feeding the cats. She’s said that it’s a really nice place and that many of the animals get adopted and end up living in happy homes.”

“Who said that?” Sophie asked.

“Mrs. Jenkins,” Kristen said. “You’ve met her before.”

“I don’t remember her,” Sophie said. “And I don’t believe her.”

“Okay, well the Humane Society is just one option. What are our other options for Cloudy?” Kristen said.

“You mean other than keeping her here,” Sophie pouted.

“Since we can’t keep her here, we should look at other options,” Kristen said calmly.

“I guess we could give her to someone else – someone I know so I could visit her a lot,” Sophie said.

“I like that idea,” said Kristen. “Do you know anyone who might be interested?”

“Maybe one of my friends at school?” Sophie said.

“That would be great,” Kristen said. “How could you go about asking them?”

“I’ll tell them all tomorrow,” Sophie said.

Kristen thought for a moment. “That’s a good start,” she said. “But this is the kind of situation that we need to figure out pretty quickly. The kitten will be here all day by itself while I’m at work and you and Julia are in school. And it shouldn’t be here at all. When you ask your friends, they’ll each have to go home and ask their families, and their parents will have to make a big decision about getting a new pet. That decision may not happen overnight. Right?” she asked Sophie.

Sophie shrugged.

“Do you have any ideas for moving this along more quickly or doing something with the kitten in the meantime?” Kristen asked.

“I guess if anyone says they might want Cloudy, I could get their phone number so we could call their moms and dads and ask them?” Sophie said.

“I think that sounds like a fine plan,” Kristen said. “That would help us to know more quickly if anyone can take her.”

“It’s better than animal jail,” Sophie said.

They made a bed for the kitten in a box, and Sophie treated it with lots of milk and lots of care. They gated it into the kitchen with newspaper on the floor the next day. When Kristen picked Sophie up from school she asked, “So, did anyone seem interested in the kitten?”

“Yeah, a bunch of them,” Sophie said. “I got six phone numbers!”

“Great,” Kristen said. “We’ll start calling right after dinner.”

They walked into the apartment to a noxious smell. “Your kitten’s made a bit of a mess in there,” Kristen noted. “I’ll clean it up,” Sophie said. And she did, while Kristen worked on dinner.

After dinner, Sophie made the phone calls, turning each call over to Kristen to talk with the parents. One family after another politely turned them down. When they were done, Kristen gave Sophie a sad look. “It was a good idea,” she said. “I’m sorry it didn’t work.”

“I’ll ask again tomorrow at school,” Sophie said. “Someone will be interested.”

“You can go ahead and ask again,” Kristen said. “But I think we need to think of a plan B, too. It’s not good for the kitten or for us to have her here.”

“If you’re talking about taking her to the animal jail, forget it,” Sophie said with a stomp. “It would be too terrible and too unfair to put Cloudy there. She’d be ignored. She’d be stuck in a cage and ignored and then if nobody wanted her she’d be killed!”

“I think it’s important to base our decisions on actual information and not rumors,” Kristen said. “Don’t you?”

Sophie shrugged.

“I’ll ask Mrs. Jenkins how things work there, at the Humane Society,” Kristen said. “And maybe we could visit – just to see what it’s like… in case nobody from school wants to take Cloudy. You know, just to know what our options are.”

“I don’t like it,” Sophie said.

“Do you have any other ideas?” Kristen asked.

“I’ll think of some,” said Sophie.

The next day they returned to the same noxious smell and another few phone calls to classmates that didn’t pan out. However, one of the calls turned out to be helpful. Sophie’s classmate, Jessica, said to Sophie on the phone, “We got our cat Tabitha last year at the Humane Society, and they were really nice there. Maybe you could bring Cloudy there?”

“That’s the animal jail,” Sophie said. “Haven’t you heard that? I heard they’re terrible to the animals.”

“Oh, I heard that too,” Jessica said. “But you shouldn’t believe it. They take really good care of the animals and treat them really nicely. My big brother helps out there sometimes. He loves it.”

“Don’t they kill the animals if they don’t get adopted?” Sophie asked her.

“I don’t know about that,” Jessica said. “But they keep them a really long time. So they have a good chance of being adopted. You should go there to see what it’s like,” Jessica encouraged her.

“Thanks, Sophie said.

When Sophie got off the phone, Kristen asked her what Jessica had told her.

“It helps when you hear things from more than one person,” Kristen said. “And I gave Mrs. Jenkins a call while I was at work today,” Kristen added. “She told me that they’d always be glad to accept a new kitty. We can go visit tomorrow after school. She’ll be working then.”

Sophie protectively took Cloudy in her arms.

“If it’s terrible, we don’t have to bring her there,” Kristen said. “And we can keep thinking of other options.”

“I already have another idea,” Sophie said. “What if I make posters that say “Free Kitten to Good Home” and put them up in the neighborhood? Maybe someone will see the posters and call us.”

“That’s a good idea,” Kristen said. “But we’re still not sure if it’ll work. How about we make the posters tonight, put them up tomorrow before school, and plan to visit the Humane Society after school to see what it’s like. Then we’ll be covering all of our bases.”

“I guess,” said Sophie. “But I hope someone calls about the posters soon.”

“Me too,” Kristen said.

They followed their plan, put up the posters in a couple of cafes and on several bulletin boards the next morning, and then visited the Humane Society after school.

As soon as they got there, Sophie was enthralled. The building had a warm, homey feel, especially the area with the cats. There were several people sitting on comfortable chairs holding kittens in their arms.

“It’s not like I thought it’d be at all,” Sophie said.

Mrs. Jenkins gave them a tour and told them about how she and the other volunteers helped care for the animals. She told Sophie that she especially liked the cats too.

“But do they kill the animals if they don’t get adopted?” Sophie asked.

“After a long time, or if an animal is particularly difficult and wouldn’t make a good pet,” Mrs. Jenkins said sadly. “It’s always a tough decision for them to make. Nobody likes it when an animal has to be put down.”

“It seems so unfair,” Sophie said. “It’s not their fault they’re difficult or that nobody adopts them.”

“I agree with you,” Mrs. Jenkins said. “Sometimes I wish I could bring them all home with me. But I can’t. I just have to remind myself that this shelter saves hundreds of animals a year who would otherwise die out there.”

“Like Cloudy would have died if I didn’t find her,” Sophie said.

“Right,” said Mrs. Jenkins. “So when I work here, even though it makes me sad sometimes, and even though it seems unfair that so many animals have to be here, I try to think of the good that’s being done. It seems to really outweigh the bad.”

“Yeah,” Sophie said. “I guess that makes sense.”

After spending another half an hour playing with several of the kittens, Sophie turned to Kristen. “Could I work here too?”

“I think it would be wonderful if you volunteered here sometimes,” Kristen said.

“Hey,” Sophie exclaimed. “If we bring Cloudy here, I could see her when I worked!!”

“That, you could,” Kristen said, feeling a great sense of relief.

Sophie went home with the volunteer application forms to fill out that night. When they brought Cloudy to the Humane Society the next afternoon, Sophie turned in the forms she’d filled out – for her and Cloudy.

“I can’t wait,” Sophie said to Kristen. “Even though it’s still kind of sad, I think I’m gonna love it here, and I think Cloudy will too. I think she’ll be okay, don’t you?”

“I think she will too,” Kristen agreed.

ANALYSIS

Finding the kitten a good home? Important. Engaging Sophie in a process involving ‘fairness’? Priceless. Our earlier version of Kristen 1.0 would have sent the kitten packing with a reminder to Sophie of the rules. There would have been a huge fight, resulting in a physical abandonment of the kitten and an emotional abandonment of Sophie, all of which would have added to Sophie’s firm beliefs about unfairness and her inability to trust.

Kristen 2.0 hung in there with Sophie, despite all the work involved. They had already been around the block with the apartment rules on pets, so Kristen was able to empathize with Sophie’s wishes, but reminded her that they couldn’t change that limit. Beyond that, Instead of delivering a message to Sophie about what had to happen and why, she let Sophie struggle with finding those answers herself. If Kristen had immediately taken the kitten to the Humane Society there would have been an immediate solution and probably the best one for the animal. However, it would have left Sophie feeling hurt, resentful and powerless. Sophie would have felt guilty for abandoning the kitten, resented her mom for making her do it, and continued to hold her beliefs that the Humane Society was a jail that murdered animals. By allowing Sophie to problem solve and attempt solutions, she gave her daughter the opportunity to ‘derive’ some fairness in an unfair world. Sophie gave the adoption effort her best try and finding it too difficult (as well as the care of the cat unmanageable) she came to recognize the value of the Humane Society shelter. Hearing different perspectives and going to visit the shelter also challenged her preconceptions. Instead of clinging to a view that the shelter was a form of abandonment, she was able to view it as a place of refuge and hope – one she wanted to be a part of. That was quite a change of heart, brought on by a process that helped Sophie stay engaged with looking more deeply into the factors involved with her rescued kitten.

This process took a lot of time and effort on Kristen’s part, when she could easily have ended it at the door when the kitten appeared. But in the end, the process may have been transformative for Sophie. She now had a cause or purpose – rescuing animals. Instead of feeling constantly battered by abandonments and disappointments, she had a way to take control and alter those outcomes that previously seemed foregone (and unfair). This was a great example of Kristen making A MESS with her daughter. She was attuned to important issues for Sophie. She was also aware of Sophie’s limited perspective on problems she often saw as unfair. At her age, Sophie was vulnerable to making simple and incorrect sense of why things worked. The fate of the kitten would have been proof of her simple worldview of unfairness and abandonment threats. Kristen helped Sophie remain calm and engaged by listening to her concerns and helping problem solve. Absent that kind of response, Sophie was vulnerable to explosive responses and early exits. And what was mastered in the process? Good work was done with communicating (COM), empathy (EMP), logical thinking (LT), and moral integrity (MI). Although Sophie’s concerns were about her relationship (REL) with the kitten, the relationship that benefited the most was the one between mother and daughter.

Wrap Up for Sophie

Loss and abandonment were core issues driving Sophie’s behavior in Part 1. That led to her desperate attempt to hold on to an unreliable and untrustworthy boyfriend; her willingness to accommodate to the unreasonable wishes of others even when it cost her dearly; and her rage at her mother for unfairness. Sophie’s troubled adolescence was the direct result of developmental delays in several specific areas: secure attachment, genuine self-esteem, internal discipline, emotional competence, logical thinking, and communication. She also lacked a sense of purpose. Part 2 did justice to each of these areas of development, allowing Sophie a better shot at managing adolescence.

As a single mother, Kristen had to make her 1:1 time with Sophie count. She made good use of Sophie’s bedtime to promote dependability and constancy and thereby attachment. The importance of that time with her mother motivated Sophie to develop greater internal discipline and emotional regulation.

Kristen was aware of Sophie’s potential for clinging to unhealthy relationships. She monitored those relationships and called upon Sophie to engage in a process of deciding what she needed from a friend and whether she was getting fair treatment. She also called upon Sophie to balance relationship needs with individual needs, something that was totally neglected in Version 1.0. Kristen did a better job the second time around containing her own impulse to react to Sophie’s behavior with control or punishment. Instead, she involved Sophie in a process of reflecting upon behavior. In so doing, she promoted logical thinking and communication, sorely lacking in version 1 Sophie. The IEBR approach was especially valuable with Sophie, since her behavior can provoke immediate reactions. But with reflection, or analyzing before acting, the basis for that behavior can be appreciated and addressed. That was certainly the case with handling the kitten rescue. Kristen could easily have immediately said, “No” the moment the kitten appeared. Instead, she patiently worked to understand Sophie’s feelings and wishes, and then helped Sophie find a home for the kitten and laid the groundwork for a future sense of purpose. That was an elegant example of making A MESS, where Sophie did good work with logical thinking, communication, and emotional regulation because Kristen helped her stay calm and engaged in a long-term process.

Kristen is off to a good start in Version 2.0. But she has a great of work still to do. As we will find in the final section of the book, finding and developing a sense of purpose will be invaluable for Sophie’s self-esteem and ability to function more autonomously. The sooner that process can begin for all kids, especially for Sophie, the better. All kids need to feel needed, for what they can offer. When it is in the service of doing something that feels important and necessary, which makes them feel valued and important, even better. When this sense of purpose arises from a child’s genuine interests and talents, we have something satisfying and sustainable.