Neal – Starting Over

Making A MESS of Neal’s Childhood

If we were childproofing Neal for adolescence, what would we want for him? How was he struggling as an adolescent? What developmental competencies might have eased these struggles? Did Neal even know he was struggling during high school?

Assessing What We Do Not See

The Neal who was passed out in the foyer was not fitting in at college, nor was he keeping up in his classes. Before leaving for college, he would have told us, “Friends are more important than school.” That version of Neal was focused on relatedness, but not on self (development). The Self vs. Relatedness Bind for him was an easy one: Focus on Relating. Ambition and achievement, in the realm of academics were minimized. As we saw from middle school onward, Neal coasted in school. There was no striving. But there was no suffering either. If you met him then, you’d say he was a happy kid.

What else concerned us about this adolescent version of Neal? He had lots of friends. His goal was to stay connected with his friends, be of help to them if needed, and enjoy their company. Unlike Mitch and Sophie, whose behavior called out for a response, our concerns about Neal were more about what we didn’t see. He lacked ambition and self-direction, both in and out of school. He didn’t have a sense of purpose or a cause that moved him. His drive to excel only showed up with his video gaming. Neal was more concerned about avoiding loss (frustration and failure) than pursuing gain (achievement and competence).

The adolescent Neal was curious about his friends and what they needed to be happy. And he was curious about finding humorous YouTube videos and how to beat his current video game. But curiosity for the sheer joy of learning wasn’t there. Gone were the building projects of his youth or the zillion questions of, “Why?” he used to pepper his parents with as a youngster.

Genuine self-esteem, that comes from taking on challenges and overcoming them, basking in the praise of parents for good strong efforts, and recognizing gradual growth and improvement due to sustained practice gave way to simpler measures of self. Neal’s precocious intellect and easily earned A’s set him apart from peers as a child. In grade school, how he was doing relative to others became an easy measure of self-esteem. But that was a strategy doomed to fail, as his peers worked hard and caught up.

Neal the teenager decided not to let his self-esteem depend on grades or achievement. He no longer compared his school performance with peers. His last minute efforts could maintain a “B” average, and that was good enough. Those grades and his relatively high ACT scores would assure him a place at the University nearby. If you met him, you’d think his self-esteem seemed solid. He was well liked by friends, many of whom would go to him for relationship problems they were having.

This façade unraveled by the second month of his freshman year of college. In a challenging environment with expectations he could not meet, he was feeling terribly ill prepared and downright inadequate. With his high school friends scattered to all corners of the country, he worried about where he would fit in. The college-aged Neal would have wished he could have done some things differently, if he could have turned back the clock. So, when we get to do it over with Neal 2.0, what needs to be our focus?

How will the making A MESS approach be used with Neal?

Somewhere between the duct tape and cardboard projects as a kid and the hours of video gaming as a teen, the pure pleasure of learning and creating was lost. A significant priority for Neal’s childproofing will be the preservation of his natural curiosity and opportunities to create. Somewhere along the way, curiosity gave way to the immediate stimulation and distraction of video games, YouTube, and just hanging with friends.

Just like the rude awakening that awaited Mitch in adolescence, peers who developed internal discipline and resilience, which allowed them to stay engaged with the challenges of learning new and difficult concepts and skills, quickly closed the early gap afforded Neal because of natural ability. If we start over, Neal will need to learn to measure growth internally, comparing his progress relative to where he has been, not his peers. Video games are not only pleasurable and stimulating; they are also safe havens from the hard work and frustrations of the real world. Neal will need to find a way to stay more engaged with real world challenges. He will need to learn to soothe himself in the face of frustration and failure so that he can benefit from the growth that challenges afford him.

Despite his happy-go-lucky presentation, Neal was focused on avoiding loss and humiliation. That focus prevented him from engaging fully with the challenges necessary for growth. The version of Neal 2.0 will need to develop a resilience that allows him to welcome failures as opportunities to learn. He will need resilience that allows him to tolerate frustration as he perseveres (stays engaged). Therefore, redefining the meaning of “failure” will be an important theme with this Neal 2.0 and his parents 2.0.

Like so many other teens, Neal lacked a sense of purpose. But finding purpose need not wait until the 11^th hour, as it did for the coasting Neal in Part 1.

What can his parents and teachers do for him as a child to make A MESS of Neal? The assessment above suggests a need for mastery (M) in the areas of curiosity (CUR), internal discipline (ID), genuine self-esteem (GSE), as well as responsibility & purpose (RES/PUR). Maintaining high expectations for self-development will help Neal avoid the avoidance of the Self vs. Relatedness Bind.

How Will a Growth Mindset Help with MESS Making?

Making A MESS means that Neal’s parents 2.0 will be different than the ones we encountered before. Those earlier parents seemed to become rather complacent once Neal entered school. They seemed to hold to a Fixed Mindset, whereby his intellectual ability (giftedness) would allow things to take care of themselves. The 2.0 parents will remember that they were successful by virtue of hard work, not just natural ability. The 2.0 parents will hold to a Growth Mindset as they maintain high expectations for Neal and help him stay engaged (E) with the process of taking on challenges and learning (and growing). They will also find a way to keep the focus internal rather than external. Growth should be measured against oneself, not in comparison to others. Growth comes because Neal ran two more miles this week than he did last week, not because he ran farther or faster than his friend.

With a chance to start over, how will his parents help make A MESS of their son. How can they avoid their earlier mistakes of letting Neal’s natural abilities carry the day? Neal, by nature, was highly intelligent and very comfortable with people. He grasped things quickly and was a pleasure to engage. Instead of assuming they simply had a model that worked perfectly right out of the box, his parents kept a within-child focus rather than a between child focus. They monitored Neal’s personal growth, not how he compared to other kids. As you read the vignettes, observe how they help Neal maintain that internal focus compared to the earlier Neal who derived his self-esteem by comparing himself with others.

The earlier Neal got out of the gate quickly and sprinted to the front of his age cohort by virtue of his head start with intelligence and enriched environment. Since he began to value himself by virtue of where he stood in comparison to peers, when his hard working cohorts caught up with him, he lacked the drive and resilience to compete. His only option for preserving his self-esteem as an adolescent was to redefine the rules – “friends matter more (than school and grades)”. Therefore, the newer version of parents will help him remain curious and interested in growth. They will retain high expectations and block attempts to avoid challenges. Learning to climb at the gym after taking a fall as a little kid will provide a number of vignettes for demonstrating the need for staying engaged with challenges, despite failures. In fact, he learns that failure is a great source of learning, once he can learn to tolerate the anxiety and frustration that he must endure to stay engaged and master skills. And bringing in his Uncle Artie to help him with his business ideas will help where his parents don’t have the expertise???

How Will Neal Sustain Engagement Through Self Soothing?

The earlier version of Neal did not possess the ability to self-soothe to sustain engagement with challenges. In fact, that Neal made that deficit less apparent by minimizing ambitions and maximizing external stimulation and distraction (friends and video games). With Neal 2, his parents will nurture interests and help sustain his engagement, despite frustrations and setbacks. A good example of that can be found in the set of vignettes centering around Neal’s early desire to “get rich” like his uncle. Enjoy the exploits of the budding entrepreneur as he develops kneepads for gardeners and a mowing service for the neighborhood. Instead of passing judgment or ignoring this expressed interest, his father will help him translate this motivation into sustained efforts that promote curiosity, logical thinking, communication, and even moral integrity. His father does a good job of sustaining engagement by structuring recurring meetings about progress with projects, encouraging testing and modifying of ideas and products, and reminding him of responsibilities and commitments despite lagging interest. The teenage Neal avoided loss and failure. This version of Neal will be encouraged to welcome failure as a source of learning and growth, much like the lean start up crowd now populating today’s business news.

Climbing – When I Grow Up ‘

Where does the urge to climb come from? Neal’s parents suspect there must be some recessive climbing gene that presented in their son, because neither of them cares much for heights let alone climbing. In the following vignette, four-year-old Neal has just watched a YouTube video of a sweaty Marine who single handedly pulls himself up a cliff, only to appear, in full dress uniform, atop the cliff. Attuned to the developmental level of their son, Neal’s parents foster growth when others could discourage it. Many parents would error on the side of safety, warning their son not to climb and risk falling and that joining the Marines is much too risky.

“When I grow up, I’m going to be the world’s greatest mountain climber!” announced the proud four-year-old.

“Wow,” responded his dad.

“Yeah. I’m going to be just like the guy on television,” Neal said.

“Which one?” asked David.

“You know. The guy with the cool uniform.”

“Do you mean the guy who climbs to the top of the cliff in his sweaty undershirt and then has on his fancy uniform a minute later?” David asked.

“Yeah, that’s the one. I’m going to climb just like that guy,” announced Neal.

“How did he get up there?”

“He climbed, Dad. Weren’t you watching?”

“All by himself?” asked David, with a little amazement in his voice.

“Sure.” Neal gave his dad the look. “Did you see anyone else around?”

“So who took his picture?” asked David.

“His dad,” answered Neal, matter-of-factly.

“How did his dad get up there?”

Again looking a little impatient with his dad, he explained, “His Dad is bigger than he is.”

“Oh. So how did he get the fancy uniform to wear in the picture?” David wondered.

“His mommy gave it to him,” Neal said, with great seriousness.

“Looks like she ironed it, too,” observed David, with a straight face.

“Sure,” answered Neal.

ANALYSIS

Neal at four years old was impressed with the Marine Corps advertisement where the well-conditioned young man hauls himself to the top of a cliff and later stands there, a proud Marine in full dress uniform. It’s a great commercial. It stirred the little boy’s ambition to grow up strong and be somebody cool. That’s a natural developmental goal, to develop oneself. His father, David, recognized that ambition and allowed him to aspire to it. Even if David knew the dangers of being a real Marine, he kept this to himself, because he knew that Neal was engaged in good healthy exploration. He was attuned to Neal’s developmental level, the drive to become his own person, and the dreaming and exploring that goes along with it. Because of his age, Neal saw nothing inconsistent with the fact that this Marine seemed to climb the cliff all by himself, no ropes, and no fellow climbers. He also made an assumption that the guy’s dad was along to photograph the whole affair, as his dad likely did frequently for his little adventures. He also made an assumption that the Marine’s mother was nearby to take care of him, in this case with a freshly pressed uniform. For the adults, the boy’s response was endearing and funny. But Neal saw no inconsistencies. He assumed, by virtue of his experience, that his parents were safely nearby to protect and provide for him. Hence, he could go explore and even climb mountains when he grew up, because he had a secure base from which to operate. Neal had the luxury to explore and develop himself because he knew his parents would keep him safe. His parents, Kim and David, neither of whom climb nor have they been in the Marine Corps, honored his exploration with their attention and genuine interest. A necessity to healthy development of self in childhood is the possession of a secure attachment (relatedness – REL) to a parent.

Parents want to protect their children and feel close to them. In fact, providing that early protection creates a safe bond of attachment. However, our role as parents is to support the development of self-reliance. A parent focused on sustaining a feeling of closeness can mistake that for dependence, given the earlier role of protector. Neal’s parents knew that their job was not only to keep him safe, but also to honor his desire to grow into an individual. Making A MESS of him would ultimately help him do justice to both areas of development: self and relatedness. Taking an interest in and supporting that quest was ultimately how they would remain close to Neal during his childhood. And so far, it had been easy, because Neal was constantly exploring and creating. David and Kim allowed for the healthy explorations, knowing to be interested, but not critical.

Children are curious (CUR). They are born with a desire to explore, learn and master challenges. Parents provide a safe base (REL) for these healthy quests. Supporting the development of interests and capabilities promotes the healthy development of an individual while maintaining parent-child closeness. This was a great example of a vignette promoted the core competencies of relatedness (REL) and curiosity (CUR).

I Can’t Let Him Fall

So much for the “love ‘em and leave ‘em alone” approach. The parental bind of supporting curiosity and growth versus ensuring safety was put to the test in the following vignette, where Neal’s climbing got him into some serious trouble. Let’s tune into the conversation taking place between Neal and Kim at the local hospital.

“What were you doing on top of the backstop, honey?” Kim asked while she stroked Neal’s forehead in the hospital emergency room.

“Practicing my mountain climbing,” responded Neal, wincing with pain.

“Backstops are for stopping baseballs, not climbing.”

“No, it’s easy. It’s got lots of places to hold on. I just got distracted.”

“You “just” got a broken elbow,” said Kim.

“Is the coach mad at me?” asked Neal.

“Why would he be mad?”

“He was shouting at me.”

“He was worried you were going to fall,” Kim explained.

“He started running and I thought I was in trouble,” Neal recalled.

“No, honey. He was scared and wanted to come help you get down.”

“I always get down, Mom.”

“Not like you did today.”

“Is the coach going to let me play?” Neal asked, worried about no longer being on the team.

“After you get your cast off.”

“When is that going to be?”

“Six weeks, I think,” his mom explained.

“Then can I play?”

“Then you have to teach your elbow to bend again,” she said

“What do mountain climbers do when they fall and break their arms?” Neal asked.

“They use ropes and have other people with to catch them.”

“Yeah, I should have brought you with, shouldn’t I?” Neal said.

“That would have been one solution. Do you want us to teach you how to climb safely?” Kim asked.

“Cool. Does Daddy know how to climb?” Neal perked up.

“He will by tomorrow,” Kim said.

ANALYSIS

Only a hundred yards away, straight across the park in the back yard, hardly out of her view, and he fell and broke his elbow. Kim, was feeling pretty guilty for not supervising Neal more closely. But he had always been a climber and she had learned to tolerate his tree climbing in the back yard. He had walked to practice before with no problems. There were lots of kids and parents around. So her interview of him was genuine curiosity, but she was also wondering what she should have done differently in terms of allowing him his chance to be a normal kid yet still protect him as a mother.

It appeared that he arrived before everyone else and the backstop was “just there”, begging to be climbed. In fact, she knew he had climbed the backstop multiple times with no problem and the trees he climbed were considerably taller. Her quizzing discovered that Neal believed he was going to get into trouble with his coach for climbing the backstop. He misinterpreted the yelling and running of the coach to be anger. If he knew that climbing (the backstop) was a forbidden activity during practice, he assumed he was in trouble. It did not occur to him that the coach’s yelling and running were out of concern for his safety. This was an understandable assumption for a grade school kid to make, especially when he was pushing the boundaries a little. Not every adult was tolerant, flexible, understanding, or concerned.

Despite being scared and angry, Kim did a good job of analyzing before acting (on those feelings). Simply being curious, helped her better understand, ala I-E-B-R, why Neal was doing something so foolish. In addition, Kim’s quizzing helped Neal understand that there were other possible ways to view the situation and that the coach was not necessarily angry with him. Kim made A MESS, beginning with a good assessment, rather than adding to the mess. Kids can make assumptions based on their observations or experiences or expectations. Without some perspective, like his mother was providing, Neal could be left to believe the story he created. Without parental perspective, these assumptions could become beliefs or guide behaviors that made these assumptions more likely to come true. Kim knew the value of a good “debriefing” after an incident like this, after something she knew occurred at school, or just at night before bed when asking about his day. You can see the promotion of logical thinking (LT) and communication (COM) in her ‘debriefing’ of Neal.

Kim and David enjoy reading to their kids before bedtime. As their kids get older, this time evolved into a time to find out about their days and what sense they made of events. They know that, just like the assumptions Neal was making about his coach, it is good to get at these assumptions early, before the cognitive cement dries.

In the ER, Neal was asked to reexamine what happened to see if he could figure out what he might do differently next time. Kim was doing the same. She recognized that her son loved to climb. She could keep him grounded and thereby safe, but she knew that would not be fair to him and would not honor her son’s genuine interests and curiosity. As she questioned him she brainstormed as to how she could honor his development of a self, yet keep him safe. Simply forbidding him to climb would have ensured his safety and quickly relieved her anxiety and potential for more guilt. Kim recognized that Neal’s problem was not simply risky behavior. It was misperception of his coach’s intentions as well as his inability to manage his own emotions on top of the backstop. A meaningful piece of the developmental MESS that came of her assessment (A) was recognition emotional competence (or self-soothing; SS) during stressful times for her and her son.

Instead of impulsively reaching for emotional relief, she stayed engaged with Neal with her inquiry and the problem-solving running in the background. If kids must be kids, then they needed someone to show them how to do it responsibly. She also knew that her husband agreed with their approach of honoring his child’s interests but keeping him safe. Although David grew up playing baseball, he was willing to learn new sports or interests if that was the path his children choose to follow. He also knew that if he were passionate about something, Neal would likely want to imitate him at this age. But he was fully prepared for climbing to supplant baseball eventually.

Kim and David were aware of where Neal was developmentally. They knew that mountains needed to be climbed. Kids needed to have ambitions. Kids needed to climb mountains so they gain mastery and greater competence in addition to the satisfaction that comes from the climb. Instead of just a focus on safety and protection, they found ways to honor the necessary growth, yet keep him safe in the process. The trust and closeness that Neal felt toward his parents was maintained because they were tuned into him and where he was headed developmentally. In this situation, instead of keeping him safe by grounding him, Kim made the decision that greater competence or mastery in the art of climbing was the best solution to both goals – self-development and safety. In short, Neal needed more climbing, not less, to be safer. She recognized that the pursuit of mastery requires sustained engagement that in turn requires learning to self-sooth to sustain that engagement. If Neal was better able to self-sooth, he would have calmly problem solved while atop the backstop and then carefully got himself down as he had so often in the past. I suppose it was possible for her to ground him sufficiently he never climbed another backstop, but…that’s what kids do and need to do (at least metaphorically).

Back to the backstop. Neal was not old enough to take everything into consideration before acting. He saw something that intrigued him and he went after it. He did not stop to logically think, “what will my coach think, what if I fall, is there anyone around to spot me, …” He just started climbing. He also assumed that this climb would be no different than any other. But past climbs had not been complicated by the interruption of a yelling and running coach. He was not able to calmly stay put and reason about what the intentions of the coach were. He was not able to calmly consider a safe descent.

Young kids are capable of individual tasks, but under pressure, may lose their ability to do them competently, especially when they have to make quick judgments that require consideration of multiple factors simultaneously. Adults have many of these possibilities already stored into nice neat bundles that they can retrieve quickly and consider simultaneously. Kids on the other hand not only lack that experience, but also lack the cognitive bundling. So they are left (out on a limb) to sort out the individual pieces of each event, leaving no room in their working memory for other possibilities to be considered at the same time.

This is also the case for seemingly competent teenage drivers when they face emergency situations. Pulling everything together is a valuable role adults play in the lives of their children, well into adolescence. Adults can consider all the factors simultaneously and set rules or boundaries as a result. They can also lead a child through the linkages after-the-fact, so that the child gains a more integrated view of his actions and possibilities for next time. That is another reason Kim and David love to hear about the events of the day at bedtime.

As parents, we need to listen with genuine curiosity to understand what sense our children make of events. Children need us to interpret things and integrate them. Without our help they deal only in the present, without consideration of all factors, including consequences. They make assumptions based on incomplete information and arrive at the simplest, most available explanations. Simple explanations can seem elegant, but if you want to know the truth, Occam raised a dull child. Neal’s discussions with his mother promoted the development of his logical thinking (LT). Without her questioning and perspective, Neal would have been left believing that his coach was yelling because he was mad at him as opposed to concerned for his safety. His anxiety about being in trouble led to his rush to get down (from the back stop) and his fall. Therefore, their dialogue was also valuable in teaching emotional competence (EC) – how to recognize the intentions of others and how to soothe himself when upset. Kim’s upset over the accident could easily have led to attempts to control Neal, leaving him convinced he was bad. Instead, his mother contained her upset sufficiently to be genuinely curious and empathic with him, which led to a better course of action going forward (sending husband and son to the gym).

I Don’t Want To Fall

These pursuits gave Neal’s elbow time to heal before he and his Dad went climbing again. Here they are getting ready to hit the gym – or at least that’s what David thought.

“Are you ready to go, kiddo?” David asked.

“I don’t want to go,” replied Neal, now fully recovered from his broken elbow.

“I thought you wanted to be a mountain climber when you grew up,” David said.

“I do. I want to climb, but I don’t want to fall.”

“That’s why you learn to climb with ropes.”

“I keep thinking how bad it felt to break my elbow, and how I couldn’t play baseball all summer, and how I had to wear that elbow bending machine all the time, and …”

“You’ve had a long time to sit and worry. You used to climb and not worry enough,” David observed.

“Do they have a video game for climbing?” Neal asked.

“If they don’t, I’m sure you will invent one. Come on. Let’s get down to the gym. We’ll start off with safe stuff, close to the ground. I’ll be with you and I won’t let you get hurt. Besides, if you get hurt, your mom will hurt me worse.”

“Are you serious?” Neal asked, surprised to hear what his mom had said.

“About mom hurting me? No. About protecting you? Yes.”

“Do you think we need to buy me some climbing shoes?” Neal asked, his attention having shifted.

“Sneakers got you to the top of the backstop just fine,” his dad reminded him.

“But maybe that’s why I fell. I didn’t have the proper equipment. You want me to be safe, don’t you?”

“I do want you to be safe. That’s why we are going to the gym to learn how to climb safely. If you want climbing shoes, save up your money. That’s what allowances and grandparents are for,” David laughed.

“Grandma. Great idea. Why didn’t I think of her? She’ll want me to be safe,” Neal said.

ANALYSIS

Instead of getting right back up on the horse that threw him, Neal had to wait for his elbow to heal. During that time, he had time to think about falling and recognize what a cost it was to him to get hurt. Instead of having fun climbing, he had time to worry. His father knew him well enough to realize that if he just got underway with the climbing at the gym he would regain his interest in climbing. He also trusted that the safety precautions at the gym would make climbing safer for Neal and give him a greater sense of control. For that reason, he was encouraging Neal to reengage, rather than just taking him at his word that he did not really want to go. David was tuned into Neal’s interests, history, and coping style enough that he knew better than to just respond to the content of the moment.

David was making A MESS of Neal and the climbing. He was attuned to Neal’s longstanding passion for climbing, his anxiety given his accident, and his extended convalescence that allowed him to sit and catastrophize. In communicating (COM) with Neal, he knew not to simply take him at his word when he said he didn’t want to go to the gym. He put that response into context with what he knew about Neal’s interests and fears. David recognized that if Neal mastered the basics of safe climbing, he would have the ability to engage and soothe himself when challenged. To become a safe and competent climber Neal needed to engage. Since Neal is worried, David was there to soothe his worry with reassurances that he would protect him. He trusted that the engagement would eventually lead to mastery and confidence. He also trusted that Neal would eventually learn to soothe himself sufficiently to engage and stay engaged. To ask Neal to do this for himself today would have been overwhelming and damaging. So today, David provided the security and soothing for him. In the long-run, he knew climbing could become a great source of satisfaction and genuine self-esteem (GSE) for Neal.

Neal was responding in the moment in a way that quickly took him away from his anxiety. His father knew that avoidance of engagement allowed anxiety to grow into lasting fears. Therefore, he was going to help him get back to something he knew Neal would once again enjoy. To avoid his anxiety, Neal was trying to find an immediate external solution to his upset. David, at the moment, was the holder of the ambitions and wishes he knew Neal possessed and he was trying to remind him of those goals to offset the wish to avoid. David was attempting to help Neal deal with his anxiety through the use of logical thinking (LT). The trusted relationship (REL) between father and son provided the support for reengaging and staying calm enough to follow through.

David was also telling Neal that he can depend on him to keep him safe and Neal knew from past experience that his father was a reliable source of protection and support, so was willing to take more risk with his father at his side. David also intended to show Neal that some of that protection and support would ultimately come in the form of Neal’s mastery of the ropes, harness and belaying techniques employed in climbing.

It was obvious Neal was over the anxiety hurdle temporarily when he tried to con his father into buying some new climbing shoes. Neal knew his father would do anything to keep him safe, so he made an appeal for the best and safest equipment, in this case climbing shoes. But David was not about to go down that path with Neal with climbing shoes or other expenses. He and Kim had agreed that, once he hit the clothes-make-the-man-stage-of-life, Neal would buy his own clothes out of an allowance, to avoid potential conflict and to teach him to work within reasonable limits when it came to money. That was why this request evaporated so quickly, because the policy had been established and David just referred to the clothing allowance and wished him good luck with his decisions. Not to worry. Once the climbing became a serious sport, Neal would have another crack at his father for gear, drawing upon the necessary-equipment-clause in every man’s sports budget. Neal also side-stepped the spending limits when he started to earn extra money mowing lawns.

David was aware of the importance of engagement to acquire mastery and competence. He was also aware of Neal’s interest in climbing, but his understandable fear as well. Therefore, he was encouraging healthy engagement. David knew that for kids to develop, they need to climb mountains and that the climb itself was important to learn mastery. Sometimes, he was needed to assure that the climb was engaged in and not avoided. Like the good teacher, he was aware of the climber’s capabilities, he knew the terrain and what obstacles lay ahead, he understood why some climbs do not go as planned, but knew that it was important to get back on the mountain and get back to climbing.

Let’s Climb

“How high up do you think those kids are, Dad?” Neal asked, as he and David got on their climbing gear.

“What does it say in the brochure you’ve got there?”

“Eighty feet! I would need a diaper to climb that.”

“Pardon me?” David asked.

“If I was eighty feet up in the air, I’m pretty sure I’d pee my pants,” Neal laughed nervously.

“Remind me to drive you to school instead of letting you take the bus. First you learn to swear in five different languages and then …”

“You got distracted Dad. Aren’t those kids scared up there?” Neal wondered.

“Probably. I don’t know. I would be. But I think they enjoy it enough that they are willing to deal with being nervous,” David guessed.

“As soon as I start thinking about climbing I start thinking about falling off the backstop,” said Neal, returning to what was really bothering him.

His dad asked, “Do you think any of those kids way up there learned to climb without falling?”

“No,” answered Neal, not taking his eyes off the climbers at the top of the wall.

“The first thing we need to do is to learn how belaying works, so you can fall safely,” David explained.

“Falling safely is an oxyneuron, Dad.”

“Where did you learn that word?” David asked.

“On the bus,” laughed Neal.

“Well, falling safely is not an oxymoron. It is a metaphor for life.”

“Metaform? I think that’s one of the psycho-babble words my friends warned me about,” asked Neal.

“A metaphor is an example. In this case, the wall is an example of life. You can’t just climb stuff that is safe and easy. You need challenges to grow and get stronger,” explained David.

“Other kids don’t know whether you did safe and easy or hard and risky,” rationalized Neal.

“You do. You can’t learn to climb by talking and you can’t master new skills on the wall without falling,” said David. “Falling is learning.”

“Falling. Who said anything about falling? Mom sent us here so I won’t fall again.” Neal argued.  “Falling is learning? Did you just make that up, Dad?”

“Kind of catchy isn’t it? I’m sure I’m not the first person who said it, though,” laughed David.

“You do realize that only your family would put up with your lame one liners. Like, “don’t start what you can’t fin ”.

“Let’s get star ”.

The banter with his father was serving to distract Neal from how anxious he felt. “You really going to trust me to hold the rope (belaying) after that?”

“I would totally trust you,” David said, in earnest.

“I know I can trust you Dad,” chuckled Neal. “I heard what Mom told you. ‘Bring the boy home with all the parts working or don’t come home at all.’”

What comes out of Neal’s mouth never ceased to amaze his father. “You hear everything we say to each other?”

“When it’s about me, I do,” responded Neal.

ANALYSIS

David knew that if he could get Neal into settings that intrigued him, the need to avoid what he feared would be countered with the wish to engage and master. Neal saw the kids at the top of the wall and wanted to be up there, but he was also scared of falling again. David was able to help him stay engaged by telling him how he would be able to keep himself safe. David was also reminding him that he could not get to a goal without engaging and tolerating the struggles along the way. In this case, he directly attacked Neal’s fears of falling by talking about how the act of falling would be made manageable and safe. This was the beginning of a process of mastery, which required engagement. For engagement to be sustained, Neal needed to learn how to soothe himself sufficiently to stay with the engagement. If he got anxious while climbing, he needed to learn that the harness, rope and person belaying him could be trusted to protect him.

Unless a child feels safe, he cannot engage fully. Parents provide that safety initially and during development they help their children to find ways to provide it for themselves.

The little bit at the end here reminds us that kids listen and observe even when they are not directly involved. Neal also recognized that his parents talk with each other and are on the same page when it comes to parenting. He knew that they back each other.

David was comfortable bantering with Neal, not worrying about maintaining the role of expert. He trusted that his demonstrated competence as a father, including being attuned to Neal, was the only thing essential. Even though Neal was approaching the age where peers begin to take on greater importance, he was able to feel comfortable talking openly with his parents without feeling judged. David, by virtue of being tuned into Neal, knew that if he got Neal to the gym, his wish to climb and achieve would be rekindled.

David empathized (EMP) with Neal’s anxiety and allowed him to voice his concerns (EC). Yet he also pushed for the engagement that he knew his son was capable of. Their relationship (REL) and open communication (COM) allowed Neal the opportunity to voice his fears openly, yet trust his father’s reassurances that he could handle getting up on the wall. By discussing his fears, they moved from amorphous, unresolvable internal states to specific problems that could be approached with logical thinking (LT) and problem solving. David modeled logical thinking as a way toward self-soothing, and thus reengagement. Ultimately, the reasoning his father provided would be taken in by Neal and employed internally as he faced future challenges, not just in climbing.

Logical thinking and communication were necessary for getting Neal reengaged with climbing. In essence, David was teaching Neal to use reasoning to sooth himself. He was learning to tune into his feelings, ask himself what those feelings meant and then what did he need to do about them. In the vignette above, left to himself, Neal would avoid that gym and escape the anxiety that had been building in him since his fall months earlier. Now that he successfully quieted those fears with logic, he is about to do the same with helping Neal reason through the value of failure – which in this case means falling.

Falling Is Learning

“Now that you know how to use the harness and belay, we need to teach you how to fall,” explained David.

“I thought you were here to teach me how to climb,” complained Neal.

“I am, but you won’t risk challenging climbs if you can’t tolerate falling. Besides, every time you fall, you learn something new,” David said.

“You keep telling me that. I didn’t learn anything by falling and breaking my elbow,” Neal reminded him.

“I hope you did. We wouldn’t be here at the gym if you had not fallen,” his dad said.

“We’re here because Mom said, “no harness, no climbing.”

“Yeah, you got the edited version of what Mom said. I hope, that as a result of that accident, you learned to climb where you can secure yourself safely, where you can get down safely, where you will be spotted, where your parents know where you are, what you are capable of handling, what …”

“Alright. You made your point. I learned a lot. I also learned to be scared of climbing. I wasn’t before,” Neal said.

“Fear is not a bad thing. It is your body’s way of telling you there is something worth watching out for,” David explained.

“You mean staying away from?” Neal countered.

“No. It means, get ready to take care of yourself. You’re scared before you go up to bat, but you still do it,” his dad reminded him.

“No, I am nervous. Not scared. I know what I can do,” Neal clarified.

“Nicely put. You are anxious because of whatever. Big game, good pitcher, whole world is depending on you. Whatever. But you still go up to bat.”

“But I’m not going to fall off the side of a mountain if I miss a curve ball,” Neal argued.

“The first time you struck out, you cried harder than you did when you broke your elbow,” David recalled.

“I thought the coach was mad at me for climbing on the backstop.”

“You mean you could control your crying because you were worried about what your coach thought?” David asked.

“Why are we talking about this? I don’t like thinking about that (accident),” Neal complained.

“Someday you will laugh about it.”

“Oh, really?” Neal questioned his dad.

“As I was saying … you still go after stuff you want, even though you are anxious. So you can learn to climb, even though it scares you,” David reassured him.

“Says, you?”

“If you learn to fall and trust that you will be okay, then taking risks won’t scare you so much,” David said.

“So let’s start with you on the wall and me holding the rope,” proposed Neal, turning the tables on his dad.

“We can do that,” David readily agreed.

“Seriously?” Neal asked, rather surprised at his father’s answer.

“Sure. I trust you. Besides, without me there is no allowance, no Friday night pizza and movie, no math tutoring, no baseball coaching, no bedtime stories, no …”

“You made your point, Dad. I won’t let you fall. But if you keep insisting on bedtime stories, I may get distracted while spotting you,” Neal laughed.

ANALYSIS

David knew that sometimes he could not simply expect Neal to take things at his word. Just because he explained something to Neal did not mean that he totally understood it, believed it or could trust it in practice. That was why David offered to go up on the wall first and let Neal belay him. By belaying his father, Neal recognized how much control he had over the process and he saw that if he could manage his father’s fall safely, his father would certainly be able to manage his. A parent’s willingness to be open and sometimes disclosing can be a powerful means of allowing the child to do the same.

A parent need not worry about falling from the lofty perch of excellence in the child’s eyes. There will be plenty of “disappointments” that lead to the dethroning once the child can put two and two together. The effective parent strives to be a useful source of knowledge and support (authoritative parenting) rather than a parent who must rely on power (authoritarian parenting). Instead of telling his boy to be a man and get up there on the wall, he used reason and example to let Neal know it was safe to reengage. He also let Neal know that there was no shame in falling. He quickly dispelled the idea that perfection was necessary and introduced the idea that falling (or mini failures) was a means of learning. Kids need to know that it is safe to try, fail and try again. If they become focused on minimizing failure, they will quickly learn to maximize avoidance. At that point, learning and mastery cease.

Climbing is a great metaphor for making A MESS. Not because of the bloody consequences of a fall. Come on, what were you thinking? It fits because the skills of climbing must be mastered and the way to do that is to push beyond what is already learned to levels that are challenging, just beyond capability. The climber must engage the wall (in that zone of proximal development) where new techniques are required. To do that requires engagement and tolerance for the fear and frustration of failure. If the climber does not stay engaged, she won’t learn. If she can sooth her emotions, her ability engage the wall will be compromised. So, make A MESS on the wall so you don’t make a mess on the floor? If that helps you remember the principles of mastery, engagement and self-soothing – go for it.

Did you notice the I-E-B-R approach in action? David was giving Neal an important message. Emotions are a natural part of life. They deliver messages and need to be attended to and understood in terms of what creates them. Behind every emotion is some issue. Emotions give rise to behaviors and looking at and responding to behaviors without the complete picture, which includes issues and emotions, is often short sighted. David was telling Neal that it was okay to have feelings. In this case, he felt scared or anxious, which was normal. The goal was not to make the anxiety go away, the goal was to learn to tolerate those emotions while staying engaged. Eventually mastery would lead to greater competence (more control) and less anxiety. He was delivering the message that anxiety does not need to be avoided, but tolerated via engagement and mastery. In this climbing setting, he was giving him the tools to be safe and feel competent. Control via engagement and mastery was ultimately the means of managing anxiety. Ambition and satisfaction provide the motivation to tolerate anxiety. Motivation to get better, to master technique, propels Neal up the wall and into the zone of proximal development (ZPD), where he is challenged to attempt something he is not yet comfortable with.

David was helping Neal learn to apply logical thinking to situations that scared him. Reasoning about the management of risk, the benefits of engagement, and the gains to be had from tolerating mini-failures became a source of reassurance, or self-soothing, which permitted sustained engagement. As you can see, David created A MESS of Neal’s future climbing. Specifically, this MESS focused on the promotion of logical thinking (LT), emotional competence (EC), and communication (COM). And what came out the other end: Genuine self-esteem (GSE).

Idea Paint(ed) Walls – Erasing Old Sins

In the meantime, back at home David decided that it was time for some wall work of a different sort.

“What was the greatest injustice of your childhood?” David asked his wife.

“Do I have to lie on the couch before I answer?” she responded.

“If it will help,” he said.

“Being forced to eat vegetables I hated? No actually it was not being allowed to put chocolate syrup on the food I was forced to eat,” she explained. “I hated peas, lima beans, beats, and squash. Why wouldn’t my parents allow me to put chocolate syrup on them? It would have saved so much conflict.”

“Maybe you should lie on the couch. You are getting a little worked up,” he said.

“I know this was a prelude to something you wanted to bring up, so let’s hear it,” she said.

“Who me? Well now that you asked,” he said. “I felt it was terribly unfair that I was punished for trying to paint a mural on my bedroom wall.”

“My solution has been to not serve our kids peas, lima beans and beats. What’s your solution going to be? No walls?” she asked.

“Close. I found this great new paint you that allows you to write on the walls and erase them just like white boards at work,” he said.

“You want to turn the house into white board jungle?” she gasped.

“Easy, easy. I was only thinking of Neal’s room,” he said.

“Oh, yeah. I’m cool with that,” she said.

“Wow, that was easy,” he remarked.

“Yeah, well I had visions of finger painting on the living room walls. So just doing Neal’s room seems tame in comparison,” she sighed.

After clearing it with the decorating committee, David began painting Neal’s walls with Idea Paint.

“Mom says you are putting magic paint on my walls,” Neal said.

“Yeah. Kind of like magic. It lets you write and draw on the walls,” his dad said.

“And not get in trouble?” Neal asked.

“Nope. Not as long as you use washable markers,” David clarified.

“Wow. When can I start?” Neal asked.

“In two days. The paint has to really dry. What day will that be?” David asked.

“Today is Saturday. Monday, Tuesday, … That will be Monday. Right dad?” Neal guessed.

“Well, if it is Saturday night now. When is two whole days from now?” his dad asked. “Pick up your clock over there and figure it out.”

Neal popped the cover off his clock and started spinning the hour hand. “Two whole days will be bedtime on Monday, Dad. We can draw during story time,” Neal suggested.

“Cool,” David said.

The paint wasn’t dry, but that didn’t stop Neal from wanting to get started using his walls. He already told all his friends at school that he was allowed to write on walls. Just that evening, dinner was interrupted by a call from one of his classmates mother wanting to get the story straight before she determined the true value (of repainting) her son’s new mural. In other words, she was calling instead of strangling him, for the moment.

“How do you want to use your walls?” Kim asked.

“What do you mean?” Neal asked.

“Well, do you want to just use all four walls for anything you think of, or do you want to use different walls for different things?” she wondered.

“Different things? Like what?” Neal asked.

“Well, let’s figure it out,” she suggested. “Let’s make a list of all the stuff you want to do with your walls.”

“Ok. You write the list right here on this part of the wall Mom,” Neal said.

“Ok. So the one use of the wall will be making lists (as she wrote the word, ‘lists’),” his mom started.

“I want to draw pictures like you and Dad hang on the wall,” Neal said.

“Ok. Let’s call that art work,” his mom suggested. “What else?”

“I want to write down stuff I don’t want to forget. You know. Stuff I want to do or have to do,” Neal said.

“Dad and I call those ‘To Do’ lists,” his mom said as she added it to the wall.

“What else should I have on the walls, Mom?” Neal asked.

“Well. What do you like to do?” she reminded him.

“I like sports and building stuff,” Neal said.

“How would you use the wall for those fun things you do?” his mom wondered.

“Well, sometimes I get an idea about something I want to make, but then I can’t remember some of the stuff I was thinking about. Maybe I should make drawings, like Dad does with his building projects,” Neal thought.

“That is a great idea. I have an idea, if you are interested,” his mom offered.

“Sure. What is it?” Neal wondered.

“Well, sometimes it is cool to keep track of stuff you have learned or done. What if you had a wall that had all the new words you learned?” his mom suggested.

“But I know a bazillion words, Mom. The whole wall would be filled,” Neal said.

“Kind of like your brain, eh?” she laughed. “Ok, I have a different idea. What if you could only put the word on the wall if you could spell, write it, and use it in a sentence correctly,” she suggested.

“Spelling? Mom. I hate spelling,” Neal said.

“So does your dad. Maybe you two can help each other,” his mom said.

“Yeah. We can get Dad’s computer to tell us how to spell the word,” Neal laughed.

“Well, I guess if that helps you learn it? Sure, why not?” she said.

“So I can fill up a whole wall with new words. That will be cool. Neal’s Word Wall,” Neal said. “Then I can show it to Grandpa and Grandma when they come.”

“I’m sure they will enjoy it. Just don’t let Grandma try to wash it though. She’s kind of into things being neat, you know.”

“Yeah. I remember. Kind of like you used to be,” Neal laughed.

“Yeah. Before I met you and your dad,” she chuckled.

“So. I can have one wall for words and one wall for art stuff and one wall for projects and one wall for To Do’s and one wall for sports,” Neal said.

“How many walls is that,” she asked.

“Hmmmm. Guess there is no room for the ‘To Do’s’ Mom,” Neal said, with a devilish grin.

“I’m not surprised,” she laughed.

ANALYSIS

What do you think of this idea? If you are a neat freak, it just won’t work. Unless you can find a way to apply your neatness tendencies to the white boards. Just a thought.

How would a room like this help Neal developmentally? If the vocabulary wall works as planned, he will be motivated to add to the wall and take satisfaction in seeing his own growth. When he comes upon a new word that intrigues him, he’ll want to capture it (like a butterfly) and add it to his collection. Plus, having the words written will also open up possibilities for him to see the relationship between words. For instance, one day his mom found him writing the word ‘run’ on the wall over and over. When she asked, Neal said, “Mom. Do you know all the different ways you can use the word, ‘run’?” From there it was words as roots, such as ‘runway’, ‘runoff’, ‘rundown’, ‘running’, ‘runner’… This was not quite Latin and Greek roots, but he was headed in that direction.

How about the art wall? Most of us have run out of room for all the childhood artwork that needs mounting, hanging, and storing.

“Mom. I really like this picture. I worked on it for weeks. I don’t want to erase it. But I need space for a new project,” Neal complained.

“Ah. Reminds me of your new favorite word – ‘dilemma’,” she chuckled.

“This isn’t funny, Mom. Can we paint some walls in the bathroom, so I have more space for my artwork?” Neal asked.

“No. That isn’t going to happen. Besides. You would soon be asking for the living room and the …”

“Don’t you like my artwork, Mom?” Neal asked.

“Sure I do, but I have other things I want to see on my walls as well,” she said.

“You hurt my feelings, Mom. Well. Get over it, kid. It isn’t going to happen, no matter how many crocodile tears you shed,” she said.

“What is a crocodile tear?” Neal asked.

“I’ll let you figure that one out. I’ll also let you figure out what to do with your limited wall space. But here is a book (of art). Maybe it will give you some ideas of what to do,” she suggested.

“Mom. I’ve got a great idea. We’ll take pictures of the artwork and frame them and hang them around the house,” Neal said excitedly.

“That’s a very clever idea, but it is still using wall space outside of your room. And skip the tears. Keep working at it. That idea was a big improvement over the hand painted bathroom and living room,” she said.

“Grandma isn’t the only neat freak, is she Mom?” Neal called after her.

“Neat freaks make the world a better place, Neal,” his mom yelled back.

“Mom. I totally have this one figured out. You know how the screen saver on the computer has vacation pictures? We could take pictures of my artwork and make them into a screen saver. What do you think?” he asked.

“Well, now I think that is a very practical idea. You can save your paintings and projects (as digital files) on the computer. Why didn’t I think of that?” she said.

“If you thought of it, I would have told you I didn’t like it,” Neal laughed.

“Funny how that works,” his mom said. “Go get my iPhone and we’ll take a couple of nice pictures of this masterpiece of yours.”

“Yeah. Then we can send the pictures to Grandma so she can have them at her house. Without making a mess,” Neal laughed.

ANALYSIS

Neal’s mom held firm to a reasonable limit on space which forced him to problem solve how he was going to balance holding on to the old, yet making room for the new. This kind of boundary setting was not unlike the clothing allowance that will force Neal to make tough decisions about how to spend his limited amount of money. Not only are these useful exercises in problem solving (LT), they are also effective ways of keeping the problem (or conflict) in the child where it belongs (ID).

The wall is a great place for his artwork, because it doesn’t clutter up the house. That allows him to keep it long enough to make additions and revisions to it. No masterpiece is painted in one sitting. “Revise and resubmit” is a good theme for Neal, especially considering the tendency we saw for him as an adolescent, to put things off, do them at the last minute, and consider these efforts to be “good enough”. Repeatedly returning to a project and making revisions after giving it more thought allows for a deeper and more sophisticated level of work. This approach contrasts greatly with the superficial, one-and-done approach we saw earlier with the teenage Neal.

I Want To Be Rich!

Neal is full of ideas, isn’t he? But you haven’t seen anything yet. Here’s how his parents help him to really make A MESS of his ideas.

“Dad. I want to be rich when I grow up,” Neal said.

“Amen to that. Then you can take care of me when I’m old and poor,” his dad responded.

“You aren’t going to be poor are you, Dad?” Neal asked, a little worried by his dad’s intended humor.

“I doubt it. I was joking,” his dad reminded him.

“Well, if you were rich like Uncle Arnie, then you wouldn’t have to worry about being poor when you get old,” Neal told him.

“How do you know Uncle Arnie is rich?” his dad asked.

“He’s got a boat and a cabin and a fancy car, Dad. You don’t have that stuff,” Neal said.

“Is that why you want to be rich?” his dad asked.

“Yeah. If I’m rich I can buy anything I want,” Neal explained.

“So how do you plan to get rich?” his dad wondered.

“I haven’t figured that out,” Neal said. “How did Uncle Arnie get rich?”

“He started his own business. He and some guys invented something that everyone wanted to buy,” his dad explained.

“So all I have to do is invent something cool?” Neal asked.

“That’s one way. To get rich, you have to have something people want to buy,” his dad explained. “Something people really want or really need.”

“All kids need a stuffed animal to sleep with,” Neal suggested.

“Yes. Some company is making lots of money making and selling stuffed animals,” his dad explained.

“Ha. So Ruffy wasn’t made in Santa’s workshop?” Neal teased.

“I think there are so many kids out there now, Santa sometimes uses Amazon to help find enough toys,” his dad recovered.

“I bet the guy who owns all those UPS trucks is rich,” Neal guessed.

“Yep. So is the Amazon guy,” his dad added.

“So I need something to sell to people, don’t I?” Neal returned to his get rich problem.

“What do you have in mind?” his dad asked.

“I see some kids have lemonade stands. But I don’t think they are getting rich,” Neal observed.

“What do you think of that idea?” his dad asked.

“Well, Mom and I stopped and got some lemonade from Sarah and it cost us 25 cents. But it costs a dollar for a juice at your office,” Neal recalled. “So, there’s no way Sarah is getting rich.”

“Maybe she should charge a dollar for her lemonade?” his dad suggested.

“I wouldn’t buy it if it cost that much. There’s plenty of other kids selling it for 25 cents,” Neal said.

“Hmmmm. That’s called competition,” his dad explained.

“What?” Neal asked.

“Competition means that somebody else is selling the same thing and sometimes cheaper,” his dad explained.

“I need to sell something special. That no one else has,” Neal concluded.

“Yeah. Or be real special the way you do something, so people want to buy from you,” his dad said.

“Like always going to Dr. Webster?” Neal asked. “Is Dr. Webster rich?”

“There aren’t many rich pediatricians,” his dad said.

“So how did Uncle Arnie get rich, again?” Neal asked, returning to the best example he had.

“Why don’t you call him up and ask him,” his dad suggested.

Uncle Arnie, David’s older brother, was pleased to hear Neal’s voice.

“Hi Neal. What’s up?” asked Uncle Arnie.

“I want to get rich like you,” Neal said, skipping all the preliminaries.

“Oh you do, do you?” Uncle Arnie laughed. “How are you going to do that?”

“I don’t know. That’s why I called you,” Neal said.

“Well, I’m forty-five, not seven years old,” Arnie said.

“Getting old doesn’t make you rich. My dad’s not rich,” Neal said.

“What I meant was, I didn’t make money until I had gone to college for quite a few years,” Arnie said.

“Mom and dad went to college a long time too, didn’t they?” Neal asked.

“Hey, (David) are you there in the background? Help me out here, will you?” Arnie asked his brother.

“He wanted to go straight to the source, Arn,” David laughed. “You are his favorite uncle.”

“I think I am his only uncle, aren’t I,” Arnie recalled.

“Still his favorite,” David said.

“Come on Uncle Arnie. Let’s get down to business,” Neal insisted.

“Well, Neal, you have to think of something that everybody wants to buy,” Arnie began.

“What was your idea, Uncle Arnie?” Neal asked.

“My lab invented a new paint that is hard to scratch,” Arnie explained.

“Cool. So I need to invent something like that,” Neal said, excitedly.

“It doesn’t have to be an invention. It can be something special you do for people, like mow their lawn, shovel their driveway, or deliver their papers,” Arnie said.

“But that won’t make me rich,” Neal responded.

“You don’t get rich all at once. You have to make money, save it up and then find more ways to make money,” Arnie explained. “I had lots of jobs for making money when I was a kid.”

“Cool. Can I call you back for more advice?” Neal asked.

“Any time, Neal. But it will cost you,” Arnie said.

“Really?” Neal asked, a little worried.

“Just kidding,” Arnie said.

“You’re just like my dad,” Neal said.

“I’ll take that as a complement,” Arnie laughed.

“Bye” Neal said.

“Bye to you too,” Arnie said.

Neal didn’t just let ideas enter and exit his life. He latched on to this goal of getting rich and despite how raw it sounded to his parents, they knew enough to join him in his world and use that passion to pull him into the world of mastery and development.

“So Dad. I don’t own a lawnmower or a shovel or anything else for making money,” Neal said, feeling a little frustrated.

“That’s why Uncle Arnie said you have to start off slow, so you can earn money to get the tools you need,” his dad explained.

“But you have all those tools. Why can’t I use yours?” Neal asked.

“So you are going to use my tools to make you rich?” his dad asked.

“Yeah. That’s what dads do,” Neal said, matter-of-factly.

“Tell you what. Uncle Arnie’s company has a board of directors and they meet regularly to make decisions about the company. You and I should have a regular meeting so you can bring your ideas, especially if you want my help with them.” his dad was explaining.

“We can do this every night at dinner,” Neal said.

“How about every Saturday after we are done with our housework?” his dad offered.

“Cool. I’ll think up some good ideas to try out on you,” Neal said.

“I can’t wait to hear them,” his dad said.

ANALYSIS

The Neal we met earlier as a teenager was passionate about friends and video games. He was curious about how his friends were doing and curious about how to improve as a gamer, but that curiosity did not extend to academics or creative pursuits. This 2.0 version of Neal’s father has taken a more active role in supporting development versus the earlier laissez faire approach. That approach to parenting assumed that his intellectual gifts would allow him to succeed with whatever he pursued. In retrospect, stellar video gamer was not what they had in mind. Actually, the laissez faire approach meant not keeping development “in mind”, unlike the way David 2.0 is approaching development.

The grade-school-aged Neal has proclaimed a desire to be rich, just like his uncle Arnie. Instead of trying to convince Neal that his values are misplaced or “money doesn’t buy happiness”, David lets his son’s passion fuel his curiosity (CUR). There will be plenty of time later for helping him with his value judgments, but for now he is supporting the growth that comes from a child’s curiosity. David’s interest and support allowed Neal to delve more deeply into his (money making) interests and sustain interests despite setbacks. The weekly “board of directors” meeting provided valuable support in the form of problem solving and advice. The teenage Neal avoided challenges for fear of failure, whereas this arrangement created by David helped Neal stay engaged despite his many setbacks. The development of internal discipline (ID) and emotional competence (EC) in the form of resilience were goals David always kept “in mind” during Neal’s childhood.

There was no lack of creative ideas in this version of Neal. Yet a grade-school-aged brain is undeveloped in its ability to analyze a variety of factors simultaneously. Consequently, parents can fill those gaps in reasoning, but also promote its development. Neal’s unregulated ambition was tempered by David’s questions about how he planned to make these ideas work. In the process, Neal had to solve problems or weigh consequences he had not anticipated. Much of what we witnessed in the dialogues between David and Neal was the promotion of logical thinking (LT). How do you get rich; where are the tools going to come from; how do you make something people want to buy; these were questions that required logical thinking.

The Nature of Nurture

“Do you think there is an entrepreneurial gene?” Kim asked David.

“Ah, the old Nature-Nurture question? My money is on Nurture and the power of boats, cars and cabins,” David said.

“So you think Beemer Lust starts at age seven?” she asked.

“There is no age limit on Beemer Lust, I guarantee,” David responded.

“All kidding aside, I think it’s neat that Neal is so passionate about his business ventures,” David said.

“Yeah. Our little serial venture capitalist,” she said.

“Do you know what his latest venture was?” David asked her.

“Dare I ask?” she wondered.

“Well, you should, because you helped launch it,” David laughed.

“Now you’ve got my interest,” Kim said.

“Well last Saturday when you were digging in the garden, he asked if he could borrow my old briefcase,” David said. “I asked him why and he said he wanted to look professional, like mom. Then he asked if I thought you would mind if he borrowed your Pam spray.”

“Huh?” she blurted.

“That’s exactly what I said,” David laughed.

“Neal told me that he had a new invention he wanted to try out,” David explained. “He said his invention was for gardeners. He had a way to keep the dirt from sticking to their shovels.”

“Ha! That’s why he wanted the Pam,” she blurted. “Why didn’t he come try it out on me?”

“He said he already tried it out on your shovel and didn’t need to,” David explained.

“That’s why it looked so oily,” she realized. “So how was he going to make money?”

“Well, he went over to Mr. Kirby and told him that for a dollar he would make his shovel easier to use in the garden. Ken was intrigued and after the demonstration, he gladly paid him the dollar and sent him to the two people on either side of him. That little guy came home with five dollars.”

“Do you think they were paying for product or chutzpah?” she asked.

“Does it matter?” David laughed.

“Speaking of chutzpah, he owes me rent on the shovel and Pam,” she deadpanned.

“I’ll leave that to you. You’re welcome to come to our next meeting on Saturday,” David offered.

“Can I buy stock?” she asked.

“Non voting shares, I suspect,” he said.

And so it continued. Neal’s passion for the next big venture rarely waned. Almost every Saturday, over the next three years, he sat down with his dad to talk about the next idea he was planning or the current one he was enacting.

“Dad, can I have a roll of duct tape?” Neal asked.

“A whole roll? It’s pretty expensive,” David warned him.

“How expensive?” Neal asked.

“Well, why don’t you tell me what you have planned and then we’ll figure out how much duct tape you need and how you are going to pay for your project,” David said.

“Well, Mom has this pad she uses in the garden,” Neal explained.

“The one she kneels on?” David asked.

“Yeah. The blue one,” Neal said. “She uses it so her knees don’t hurt. I saw the workmen down the street had on kneepads. I was thinking people like Mom need kneepads, too.”

“Sounds like a good idea,” his dad agreed.

“Well, I asked the guys who ripped out the carpet next door if I could have their leftover cushions they were putting in the dumpster.”

“Cushions?” his dad asked, confused.

“You know. The soft stuff that goes under the rug,” Neal explained.

“Oh, yeah. The carpet pad,” he said.

“They said, ‘Take all you want, but don’t bring it back’,” Neal said. “So I got a big piece.”

“What do you plan to do with it?” his dad asked.

“I’m going to cut it up and make kneepads. That’s why I need the duct tape,” Neal said.

“It doesn’t sound like you need a whole roll of duct tape. Why don’t I give you enough to make a couple of sets of kneepads and you see if you can find some customers. In fact, why don’t you make one pair and try them out on Mom. She can tell you whether they work for gardening. Then you can either sell them to her or make some changes to improve them,” David suggested.

“Can you help me cut the pads?” Neal asked.

“Sure,” his dad said. “Why don’t we make a pair for you and you can try them out in the yard.”

“Good idea, Dad,” Neal said. “Thanks.”

“Yeah, test it out on yourself. Then test it out on Mom,” David suggested. “Then next Saturday we can talk about your ideas for changes or making more knee guards,” David suggested.

“I think they’ll need decoration and a fancy box like your (Apple) iPhone came in,” Neal said.

“Yeah. You’ll have to decide what it takes to sell your pads. Good product. Good package. Good advertising. Good support,” David continued.

“What is good support, Dad?” Neal asked.

“Well, if their knee pad breaks, are you going to fix it for free?” David asked. “That would be great support. People love that kind of service.”

“Like when you dropped your iPhone in the …”

“Yeah. Exactly. They were very understanding,” David recalled.

“Running a business is very complicated, isn’t it Dad?” Neal said.

“Yeah. Lot’s of things you have to figure out, even if you start out with a great idea,” he reminded him.

“It’s kind of fun,” Neal said.

…

“I don’t know why people don’t buy my knee guards. They cost less than the ones at the garden store,” Neal complained at their Saturday morning “business meeting”.

“Maybe you need to ask people why when they don’t buy from you,” his dad suggested.

“They’ll just be polite but want me to leave them alone,” Neal said.

“Well, all you need is a couple of people to give you helpful answers,” his dad said.

“How do I do that?” Neal asked.

“Keep asking ‘Why’,” his dad said. “Want to practice on me?”

“Ok. Why didn’t you want to buy my knee pads?” Neal asked.

“I just didn’t think I would use them,” his dad said.

“Why not?” Neal asked.

“I don’t garden much and I don’t get down on my knees much,” his dad explained.

“Do you get down on your knees for any other reason besides gardening?” Neal asked.

“When I do repair projects or work on the car,” his dad said.

“Would you want knee pads when you do those jobs?” Neal asked.

“Maybe,” his dad said.

“Would you like to buy them, then?” Neal asked.

“No. They aren’t really thick enough for my size,” David said.

“If I made them thicker would you buy them?” Neal asked.

“I might,” his dad said.

“Ok,” Neal said.

“So what did you figure out?” his dad asked.

“Well, I see I should not just make them for gardening. I probably need to make different sizes,” Neal said.

“You know what you could do next? You could offer to make me a set to try out for free. Then I would either end up buying them or I would tell you what else needed to be fixed,” his dad explained.

“I might do all that work and not make any money?” Neal asked.

“Yeah, that’s kind of a risk, but how many are you selling now? At least you will learn more each time,” his dad explained.

“I think I will start with Mr. Kirby. He’ll give me good answers,” Neal said.

“I like how you stick to things, Neal. If you talk to Uncle Arnie you will find out they had to make lots of changes to their paint before people were happy with it,” his dad said. “They were able to make those changes by letting people try it out and give them feedback.”

…

“I took your advice, Dad. I asked Mr. Kirby about my kneepads and he told me a bunch of things that were wrong with them. Then I told him that I would make those changes and asked if he would try them out,” Neal explained.

“So what happened?” his dad asked.

“Well, he hasn’t bought them, but the lady next door to him, Mrs. Murphy, asked me to make her a pair,” Neal said.

“Are you going to charge her for them?” his dad asked.

“I’m going to tell her that when they are what she wants, she can give me what she thinks they are worth,” Neal said.

“Wow. Now that’s an interesting idea. What made you decide to do that?” David asked.

“I don’t know what to charge, so maybe I’ll figure that out when Mr. Kirby and Mrs. Murphy pay me,” Neal said.

“That is a really good idea,” David said.

“Actually, it was Mom’s idea. I added Mom to my board of directors, since I wasn’t selling any kneepads to gardening ladies,” Neal said.

“Good advice. Good idea.”

Later:

“Mrs. Murphy said she thought they were good for her knees, but they didn’t look very professional,” Neal said.

“How did you respond to that?” David asked his son.

“Well, to tell you the truth, Dad. I didn’t know what to say. They don’t look very professional. They look like a kid made them in his garage,” Neal said.

“Well, if you can’t make them look ‘professional’, then what makes them special, besides being useful?” his dad asked him.

“I don’t know. They were made by me and not a machine. I made them out of stuff that other people were throwing away. I’ll fix them if they break. I’ll change them if they aren’t right,” Neal listed.

“Wow. So your kneepads don’t look fancy, but each one is unique – one-of-a-kind. They are hand made for the customer, and they are guaranteed. Now that is a great product, if I say so,” his dad said. “You just have to figure out a way to convince people that looks aren’t everything. Or that your look is cool.”

“Looks aren’t everything, Dad, but Mom said to offer to make the elastic straps any color they want,” Neal said.

“Good idea. That makes them unique and personal,” his dad observed.

“Mom had another good one. Mr. Kirby said, ‘Just what my knees needed’ and when I told Mom she said my slogan could be ‘Your Knees need Neal’. Then I said, ‘Don’t Kneel without Neal’.”

“Great slogans. Remember, focus on making Mr. Kirby and Mrs. Murphy happy and see what happens,” his dad recommended.

“Yeah. I’m not making any money, but my kneepads are much better than they used to be,” Neal said. “Mr. Kirby gave me lots of good ideas.”

“You are learning a lot about running a business,” David said.

“Yeah. I’m glad I didn’t make a whole bunch of kneepads and then couldn’t sell them,” Neal said.

“In San Francisco, they would call your company a Lean Start-Up,” his dad said.

“Is that a fancy way of saying a business that doesn’t make any money?” Neal asked.

“Ha!”

ANALYSIS

Neal isn’t going to get rich, but his parents helped him make A MESS. Neal’s idea for kneepads was pretty cool, but not totally original. Still, he was only ten years old. What made it A MESS of real value was the process that unfolded. Instead of having an idea, trying it out, seeing it fail, and then moving on to something else, Neal remained engaged long enough to benefit from his mistakes and efforts to change things. Staying engaged was something we wanted to change in our teenage version of Neal, remember?

David knew that Neal had a real interest in being a “businessman” (aka, getting rich) but no knowledge of how to run a successful business. Neither did David for that matter. David also recognized the ease with which Neal could get discouraged when his money making scheme didn’t work the first (or second) time. In terms of A MESS, David was assessing his son’s developmental status and progress, while at the same time teaching Neal to assess his own progress and what he needed to master next (in his businessman development goal). The Saturday meetings were not only enjoyable, they created a ritual that sustained a known interest of Neal’s, especially when things weren’t going well or other things were competing for his time (like video games). Also, having promised obligations to fulfill, or customers to serve creates healthy demands and structure that keeps a kid like Neal engaged. Without this structure, he could easily gravitate to the video game and stay there. This entrepreneurial approach was much more compatible with his brother Arnie than anything David had been interested in. However, David quickly realized that this was something that Neal was passionate about and David found a way to join him in his world, and do it in a genuinely interested way.

Consequently, these “board of directors” (aka, David) meetings helped Neal stay engaged with the process by putting things in perspective and suggesting ways to problem solve and try again. David also provided support that allowed Neal to lick his wounds (self-soothe), learn from his initial failures or setbacks, and reengage. You may have also noticed that despite the fact that David may have had a number of ideas to suggest, he often kept them to himself and let Neal develop his own. The ideas may not have been what David would have chosen, but it was important that they were Neal’s. That kind of process leads to greater investment on Neal’s part and greater development of his creativity and problem solving. Those ideas may not be as practical or successful as David’s, but David is in the business of developing a kid, not a business.

Since Neal was too young to read a how-to book on launching a business, Uncle Arnie told his brother about a book called The Lean Start-Up, which promotes some of the ideas that David offered Neal, such as focusing on one customer until he got it right, while learning what the customer wanted and how to improve his product in the process.

Did you also notice that David’s suggestions helped Neal reengage and stay engaged with people who initially told him they were not interested in his kneepads? Instead of being annoying, Neal was able to be genuinely curious about what it would take to make them want to buy a kneepad. This assessment strategy was much like the Five Why’s approach described earlier in the book.

So what developmental goals were promoted in making A MESS? Which ones were not? As you could see, most of our goals were included: curiosity (CUR), communication (COM), logical thinking (LT), internal discipline (ID), creativity & vision (C/V), genuine self-esteem (GSE), emotional competence (EC), as well as purpose & responsibility (PUR/RES). As you read the dialogue, you noticed that empathy (EMP) also played a role.

Walk the Dog

Some of the directions Neal has been taking leave his parents wondering if their baby got switched in the nursery. To their credit, they have honored his interests, trying to join him in his world as they promote developmental competencies that the earlier version of Neal lacked. One of these interests is Neal’s entrepreneurial spirit, one neither of his parents seemed to have before he came along. But, they are proving quick learners. And with a set of developmental goals in mind and a formula for making A MESS, they seem able to work with what Neal throws at them.

“Dad, I feel like I come up with good ideas, but none of them make me much money,” Neal complained.

“You have had some good ideas. Did you enjoy thinking them up and making them into products?” his dad asked.

“Yeah. Totally. But I wanted to make a lot of money doing it,” Neal explained.

“What have you figured out so far from what you’ve done?” his dad asked.

“Well, I get excited about an idea. I have fun figuring out how to build it or sell it. And then I don’t make any money,” Neal recalled.

“So it has been fun, but you are broke?” his dad summarized.

“Yep.”

“What would you like to be different?” his dad asked.

“I told you. I want to make money,” Neal said.

“So, you are having fun but not making any money. Which is more important?” his dad asked.

“Both. I don’t want to have fun and be broke. I don’t want to make money and not have fun,” Neal said.

“I could not have said it any better. Lots of adults have not figured that one out,” his dad said. “So, you aren’t rich yet. What do you need that you don’t have the money to buy?” his dad asked.

“I want my own phone. I want a laptop computer like Mom’s. I want a pair of Nike shoes like Alex Johnson wears. I want a remote controlled car like Spencer has,” Neal listed, ready to continue if his dad hadn’t interrupted.

“Wow. You have quite a list. What is the most important thing on that list?” his dad asked.

“I know you won’t let me have the phone. I can borrow Mom’s laptop when she’s not using it. So, I guess the Nike’s,” Neal explained.

“How much do they cost?” David asked.

“I think they cost about $90. I haven’t shopped around because I haven’t had the money,” Neal said.

“Wow. That’s a lot of money. But you could earn that much, if you worked at it slow and steady,” his dad reminded him.

“What do you mean, slow and steady?” Neal asked.

“If you earned $1 a day, you could have your shoes in three months,” his dad said.

“That’s a long time. How about $3 dollars a day,” Neal said.

“That’s more than 2 billion of the people on earth make,” his dad told him.

“Seriously? That’s awful. But how can I make $3 a day?” Neal’s concern for the world’s poor would have to wait for another day.

“I noticed Mrs. Johnson out walking her dog in the snow. Maybe she would like someone to help walk her dog. Wouldn’t hurt to ask,” his dad suggested.

“Think she would pay me a dollar to walk her dog?” Neal asked.

“I don’t know. Why don’t you ask her?” his dad responded.

“That’s a good idea dad. I can make money doing little jobs and still work on the fun stuff,” Neal reasoned.

“It’s just an idea, Neal. You’ll have to see if you can make it work,” his dad reminded him.

Neal’s father realized that the next great idea was vulnerable to the practicalities of life, such as ‘show me the money’. He didn’t want Neal to lose the drive he had for developing his ideas, but he also recognized that Neal wanted and needed to earn some money, beyond the basic allowance he received. He knew Neal loved dogs and he enjoyed being active, so the suggestion of dog walking was a ‘no-brainer’. It was David’s idea, but he left all the effort of making it work to Neal. If Neal really wanted the job, he would go talk to the neighbor and if it was just David’s idea, it would get quietly dropped.

“Mrs. Johnson called and said you didn’t come walk her dog,” David said.

“Oh. I forgot. I was playing basketball with my friends,” Neal said.

“What are you going to do?” his dad asked.

“I feel bad I didn’t go, but I’m really tired of that job, Dad. I have to be there every day at the same time. I can’t do other things during that time,” Neal complained.

“Yeah. That can be frustrating. However, you have a responsibility to Mrs. Johnson and her dog. They are depending on you. You know how it is when you have to pee. Same with her dog,” his dad reminded him.

“Ok. I’ll go, but I’m going to tell her that I want to quit,” said Neal.

“You can’t quit until she can find someone else to walk her dog,” his dad said. “She broke her hip and she can’t do it herself.”

“If I find someone for her, can I quit?” asked Neal.

“If you were Mrs. Johnson, what kind of arrangement would you want?” his dad asked.

“I’d want Neal to keep working,” he said.

“Well, what is the closest thing to that?” his dad asked.

“I have to find her somebody who’s just as good as me,” Neal said.

“Why don’t you tell Mrs. Johnson you’ll guarantee the new guy for a month. If she is satisfied after a month, you can resign, but until then you are still on call and responsible if anything goes wrong,” his dad suggested.

“Wow. You’re a tough boss, Dad,” Neal said.

“Tough but fair, don’t you think?” he said.

“Yeah. I suppose so,” Neal responded.

ANALYSIS

Neal’s change of heart about the dog-walking job was understandable. However, just quitting was not acceptable. He had a responsibility to Mrs. Johnson and her dog, regardless of how he felt. In this case, David reminded him of that responsibility, telling him that he couldn’t move on until Mrs. Johnson had a satisfactory replacement. The theme of finishing what you started was imprinted in their household in the form of a needle point Neal’s mother created and hung in the family room: “Don’t Start What You Can’t Fin “.

David’s reminder that he needed to finish what he started was not the only motivator in play. Knowing that his father was disappointed in him for not showing up to walk the dog had an effect on Neal as well. That’s part of what helps him learn to ‘care’, knowing that his father cares strongly. That is the basis for developing moral integrity (MI).

It’s Only a Game

This emphasis on responsibility showed itself in every aspect of life. And sometimes it morphed into other learning experiences as well. Here’s a conversation Neal and Kim had one day after Neal got back from soccer practice.

“I don’t know if I want to stick with soccer,” Neal complained.

“Why? I thought you loved soccer,” Kim said.

“I do, when we’re just playing. But when the coach criticizes me, it’s embarrassing,” Neal went on.

“How does he criticize you?” Kim asked.

“Well, when somebody makes a mistake, he stops the whole practice and makes everybody watch while he corrects the person who screwed up. And more often than not, that seems to be me,” Neal moaned.

“How does he correct you guys?” she asked.

“He shows me exactly what I should have done and then asks me to repeat it. And he keeps after me until I do it just the way I am supposed to,” Neal said.

“Sounds like a tough coach,” Kim agreed.

“Yeah.”

“Let me ask you something. What does it feel like when the coach is correcting you?” Kim wondered.

“I feel bad. I feel like he singled me out to show what a screw-up I am. I feel nervous and on the spot. I feel embarrassed,” Neal said. “Is that enough detail for you Mom?”

“I think I have a very clear picture of what it must be like to have the coach standing over you in front of all your teammates,” his mom sympathized.

“Yeah. So now you know why I want to quit,” Neal said.

“Well, I can understand why you feel uncomfortable. I’m still not sure why you want to quit,” Kim said.

“Huh?”

“Answer another question. After the criticism thing passes and you are playing, how do you do with that skill the coach corrected?” Kim asked.

“Oh. I don’t make that mistake again. I’m not going to let the coach get on me again,” Neal explained.

“So, what you are saying is, you make valuable improvements (in skill) as a result of the coach’s correction?” Kim asked.

“I guess when you say it that way, ‘Yes’, I usually make an improvement,” Neal admitted.

“So here’s what I understand. Your coach is making you a better soccer player, but he is also making you very uncomfortable while he’s doing it?” Kim summarized.

“Yeah. He’s a good coach. I’m just tired of feeling embarrassed all the time,” Neal said.

“Your coach reminds me of a professor I had in college. She was the scariest woman I ever met, but she taught me more about biology than anybody I’ve ever had,” Kim recalled.

“So what did you do, Mom?” Neal asked.

“Well, I wasn’t going to quit school because some teacher scared me to death,” she said. “I found a way to tolerate it. The best thing I did was I realized how much the woman had to teach me. And I also realized that she wasn’t trying to be mean or scary. She just was. When I did something wrong, she stopped me, just like your coach, and taught me how to do it right.”

“How did that feel?” Neal asked.

“Well, how would you feel if there were people in class listening to you being yelled at for giving a wrong answer?”

“I wouldn’t want to answer,” Neal said.

“Well, I did. And she had good reason for correcting me. And I didn’t make the same mistake twice. Your coach sounds just like her. Does he yell too?” Kim asked.

“Yeah. You can hear him all the way across the field,” Neal said.

“Do you really think your coach considers you the biggest screw-up on the team?” Kim asked.

“Well. He usually plays me at center-mid, so I must not be too much of a screw-up on game days,” Neal acknowledged.

“Center-mid is a pretty important spot on the field, isn’t it?” Kim asked.

“Yeah. Center-mids are involved in a lot of the action,” Neal reported.

“So, why do you suppose he ‘picks’ on you in practice?” Kim asked.

“I don’t know. Maybe he doesn’t like me,” Neal said, knowing that was probably a lame answer.

“Huh. And what would make you unlikable?” Kim asked with her skepticism showing.

“I don’t know Mom. That’s just the way it feels,” Neal complained.

“Well, just because it feels that way, doesn’t mean that’s what was intended,” she explained.

“So what should I do?” Neal asked.

“Well, I can suggest two things. One idea is go talk to the coach and find out why he does what he does. Or the second idea is, learn to calm yourself when he’s correcting you because you know you are going to learn something valuable,” Kim said. “That’s what I did with the professor. I just taught myself to take deep breaths and relax.”

“You make it sound easy, Mom,” Neal said.

“It’s not easy, but it sure beats quitting college… or soccer,” she said.

“Maybe you can show me that relaxation thing?” Neal asked.

“Sure. But you know who’s really good at it?” Kim said.

“Who?”

“Your father,” Kim said. “He taught himself that stuff in college.”

“If he’s so good at it, why does he keep yelling at the t.v. when his team is losing?” Neal laughed.

“I said he was good, not perfect,” Kim chuckled.

ANALYSIS

If you have ever had a coach like Neal’s, you will know how he felt. Some coaches yell and humiliate their players. This coach yelled and criticized, but it does not sound like he tried to humiliate his players. Kim could empathize with how Neal must have felt. In fact, her story had a great deal in common with Neal’s experience. She helped make an important distinction between how Neal felt and what was taking place in terms of learning. Taking it another step, she helped him decide whether the coach intended to embarrass him or whether that was a feeling that arose in him as a result of being put on the spot. That was important to know, because it tells Neal where the work needs to be done. In this case, it looks like the work needs to be done in learning to tolerate the stress of being criticized, so he can benefit from it. That’s not an easy thing to do, but as you can tell from his mother’s example, this will not be the last challenging coach or teacher he will face in his life.

Neal came home wanting to quit soccer. By virtue of his mom’s inquiry, it seemed like the greater wish was to escape feeling embarrassed in front of his teammates. And maybe even more importantly, not feeling like he was being labeled a screw-up by his coach (which would be humiliating). The logical thinking (LT) process Kim led him through was valuable in challenging this self-perception as well as the assumption the coach felt that way about him. When they considered other evidence, like playing an important position, the label of ‘screw-up’ didn’t fit. The chances of a kid like Neal going to his coach for a frank discussion of how and why he coaches the way he does are unlikely. But if he could, that would be great, because Neal’s perceptions of the coach and what he thinks of Neal would be immediately changed. If things don’t get better, perhaps Kim will orchestrate a discussion by giving the coach a heads up to talk with Neal, but for now, keeping him from quitting and seeing what kinds of changes Neal makes will be her approach.

Kim helped Neal identify some important work he needs to do with emotional competence (EC). Some good work was done in their discussion, analyzing how he felt and why, and where those feelings were coming from. Feelings are a message about what is right or wrong. In this case, Neal has two new ways to approach those feelings besides quitting and avoiding them. First, his mother helped him figure out what the coach was trying to do (and not do). Understanding that the coach was not trying to be mean or to label him as incompetent certainly changed the meaning of the interactions. Secondly, she told him he needed to find a way to calm himself in situations like that; when his anxiety or embarrassment is bad enough he just wants to get away. Although she did not go into specifics, she did tell him there were strategies for relaxing (self-soothing) and told him his father would be help him learn those strategies. Self-soothing is essential for being able to stay engaged. This kind of emotional competence was lacking in our teenage version of Neal, who avoided humiliation at school and sought out the escape from worrying that playing video games provided at home. Once he is capable of emotionally staying engaged, he is then able to effectively communicate his concerns. The whole process with his mother was a lesson in logical thinking and communication (COM). At some point the child who engages in these dialogues with a parent grows up to become the adolescent who considers ideas and forms thoughtful responses in his own head. Plus, he is one step closer to “Analyzing Before Acting”.

It will be valuable if Neal can find a way to stay engaged with soccer and this coach. This coach seems to be a great example of someone who uses mistakes or mini-failures as opportunities to learn. In fact, mistakes on the field, like errors on a math test, are very specific markers of what needs correction. If Neal is failing to trap the ball in one motion, then he is taking too much time and is likely giving up the ball. If he is not applying the order of operations in math correctly, he will be getting answers that are far off the mark. Those particular skills need targeted correction. Once those skills are learned, Neal will be that much better at soccer and math, and without them, he will be quite limited. Tolerating failures and using them as opportunities to learn is a game changer. It’s possible to learn without this resilience, but with it growth is exponentially faster.

Life is a Virtual Video Game

In the meantime, Neal has developed another interest. You knew it was coming – video games. And despite all of the other things going on in his life, he seems particularly susceptible to the ‘addiction’ of the games. Once he gets started, his parents have to practically drag him away. And it doesn’t help that his friends, and even some of his relatives are into the games too. It’s begun to get his dad worried.

“Dad, why don’t you like video games?” Neal asked.

“I don’t dislike them. They are fun, but I worry about them taking time away from other stuff,” his dad answered.

“Why do you think they will take time away from other stuff?” Neal asked.

“Well, video games are lots of fun and they kind of pull us in and we never want to stop. Hey are you doing that Five Why’s thing with me, you little trickster?” David laughed.

“Why do you think that?” Neal asked.

“Do you want to use that as one of your Five Why’s?” David asked.

“No. Why are other things (activities) more valuable than video games?” Neal continued.

“If I am playing video games instead of being curious and learning new stuff; if I am sitting back and enjoying myself, but not doing something I feel is important and really useful; if I am trying to reach a goal in a game, but I’m not learning something that I can apply somewhere else; if I enjoy the excitement but I’m not problem solving, if …”

“Ok, Dad. I get the point. Why can’t video games have some of those good things that you expect?” Neal asked.

“I guess they could. I’m no expert, but my guess is that most of them don’t. I’m willing to learn otherwise,” his dad answered.

“Why are video games any worse than all the hours you wasted as a kid sitting on the couch watching television?” Neal asked.

“I didn’t sit on the couch. I lay on the floor with my head propped on my dog. It was quality time, I’ll have you know,” his dad responded.

“I’ll take that as you saying video games are no worse,” Neal said.

“I would phrase it more like, ‘Just as bad’,” his dad clarified.

“So, that proves it,” Neal said.

“If I did something as a kid that I now regret, you should do something similar?” his dad questioned.

“Oh, so you feel guilty about your childhood and you want to spare me …”

“Hold on Sigmund. Let’s be constructive here,” David said, a little annoyed with his litigious son.

“I think it is totally unfair that you are so controlling about video games. I am the only kid at school who doesn’t have an X-box or Play Station in his room. And I feel totally left out at lunch when everyone is talking about their latest quest or challenge or whatever,” Neal exclaimed, with quite a bit of frustration in his voice.

“Yeah. You sound pretty frustrated with me,” David sympathized.

“I think I should get to play video games at least some time during the day. It’s not going to rot my brain Dad,” Neal pleaded.

“I have a suggestion. Let’s have a strategy for deciding how much time and what kinds of games,” David said.

“You mean, where you tell me which games I can play and for how long?” Neal asked.

“Well, I was thinking something more like, deciding what kind of pie we like and how much we can eat,” David said.

“Huh?” Neal was confused.

“I have an idea. You get a piece of paper and make two columns: one has all the things you like to do or want to do; second column has all the video games you would like to play. How long do you think it would take to do that?” David asked.

“Depends on whether it gets me closer to playing video games,” Neal answered wearily.

“That it does,” David said.

“Well, to do a good job, meaning doing some research on video games, I can have it done by tomorrow,” Neal said.

“Ok. Then after we clean up from dinner, you and I will sit down and begin the Piece Talks,” David said.

“Peace talks?” Neal asked.

“Yeah. As in what piece of your day are you going to give up for what,” his dad clarified.

“This doesn’t sound good, but I’ll do it,” Neal said.

The following evening, Neal came with a sheet of paper that looked a little like this:

Likes: Basketball Soccer Climbing Business projects Reading Watching sports on ESPN Watching the Simpsons Watching South Park Playing Magic with friends Playing video games at friends’ houses Going on vacation Taking pictures Swimming Rafting Making money Spending money Telling jokes and hearing jokes Watching YouTube Going to visit Grandpa and Grandma Going to a Cubs game (when they win) Having sleepovers with friends

Mario MindCraft Skylanders Giants FIFA Soccer 13 Wii Sports Sims (list needs to be checked by preteen)

“Here it is, Dad,” Neal said as he showed him his list of fun activities.

“Wow. That’s quite a list. Are they in any kind of order? Like best to worst?” David asked.

“You mean like my worst fun activity?” Neal asked.

“Yeah. That didn’t make sense did it?” David acknowledged.

“I like all these things. I can’t say one is better than another because it depends on how I’m feeling one day and who I’m with. You know, checkers with Grandpa, climbing with you, basketball with friends,” Neal explained.

“If you had to pick playing Mario or doing one of these things, which would you pick?” David asked.

“I might pick Mario over reading or swimming if I was too tired,” Neal said.

“If I gave you a choice of going to the bookstore with me or playing Mario, which would you pick?” David asked.

“Bookstore if I got to buy some books,” Neal said.

“Swimming or Mario?” David asked.

“Swimming, unless it is winter time and it’s freezing out,” Neal answered.

“Sleepover or Mario?” his dad asked.

“That’s easy, Dad. When I have a sleepover at a friends house, we play video games,” Neal laughed.

“Same go for when you visit your cousins?” David asked.

“Dah. Well yeah,” Neal said.

“See this? It’s a pie, except each piece is an hour of your day,” David explained.

“Yeah. Looks like a clock,” Neal said.

“So you were at your cousins all weekend. Fill the pie up with what you spent your time doing while you were there,” David said.

“How am I supposed to know where things go?” Neal asked.

“You said it looked like a clock? Maybe you can make it into two pie clocks with 24 pieces in each one, like the number of hours in each day,” David said.

(insert pie charts)

“Looks like you guys ate, slept and played video games,” David observed.

“Well, actually, we usually ate while we played video games,” Neal said.

“I know you had fun, because you didn’t want to leave. So how many things from the left side of the sheet did you do while you were with your cousins?” David asked.

“Well, my cousins are like my friends. So it was a sleepover with cousins and we played video games. Those two things from the left side (of the sheet),” Neal explained.

“So for thirty hours on the weekend, you guys played video games?” David asked.

“Oh. Yeah. We watched some YouTube and made fun of the people we were watching, so that’s like telling jokes. So we did two more of the things on the left,” Neal clarified.

“I’m relieved,” David said.

“Are you mad?” Neal asked.

“No, I’m not mad. You did what kids your age do when they don’t have homework or parent supervision,” David said.

“Oh. Uncle Arnie was there. He’s really good at some of the video games,” Neal said.

“Neal. You like to do all the things on the left side of the page, but for those two days, you really only did stuff from the right side of the page,” David said.

“Well, it was special. It was like a two day sleepover,” Neal said.

“You guys had fun and you chose to play video games. That’s my point. When there are video games around, sometimes you choose those over other stuff,” David explained.

“We didn’t choose video games over the other stuff. That’s just what was there to do,” Neal said, kind of feeling defensive.

“It is kind of like sitting down to a table and having someone pass you a plate of cookies and a plate of brownies. Are you going to ask them to pass the plate with the carrots and celery?” David explained.

“I like carrots and humus, Dad,” Neal said.

“I do too, but I would probably be eating brownies and cookies in that situation,” his dad explained.

“I don’t get it,” Neal said.

“If Mommy brought a plate out from the kitchen with a bunch of carrots and brocoli with humus and one brownie, what would you do?” David asked.

“I’d eat it,” Neal said.

“If she brought out a plate of brownies and a big glass of milk and then said, ‘Let me know if you guys want me to take away the brownies and bring out the carrots and celery,’ what would you do?”

“Mom’s brownies are the best, Dad. Dumb question,” Neal said.

“You like carrots, celery and humus, but in that example you wouldn’t pass up the brownies to eat them,” David said.

“So what’s your point, Dad?” asked Neal.

“Video games are like brownies. When they are in front of you, it’s hard to want anything else. Just like this weekend. You had so much fun playing video games with your cousins, you didn’t want to do anything else,” David reminded him.

Ongoing Talks

The continuing debate about appropriate video gaming boundaries continued. Today, Neal strategically chose to approach his dad while he was watching his favorite football team lose another Sunday afternoon game.

“Dad, you don’t know what you are talking about,” Neal complained. “The video games I like aren’t bad for me.”

“You are right. I know almost nothing about video games. Why don’t you teach me,” David offered.

“What do you want to know?” Neal asked.

“Well, to be blunt, I want to know if they are a waste of time,” David began.

“You mean are video games as educational as watching the Bears lose on Sundays?” Neal asked.

“Ouch. Touché. Actually that is a concern. Sitting in front of the television doesn’t do anything for us except entertain us. It’s a passive form of entertainment. Our brains aren’t getting a workout,” David explained.

“So a good video game should give my brain a good workout?” Neal asked.

“Passive entertainment is kind of like eating brownies, delicious, but lacking in nutritional value. Plus, too much couch time is bad for my health,” David said.

“I’ll keep that in mind on Sunday’s at noon,” Neal said.

“I should probably watch the Bears while on the treadmill. Then I wouldn’t feel like it was a waste of my day,” David said.

“At a boy Dad. Now you’re thinking,” Neal said.

“Let’s get back to the video games discussion,” David suggested.

“What do you want to know?” Neal asked.

“Well, I think we need to look at what video games involve. You just pointed out that watching the Bears (on television) is a passive activity. I’m not physically active or mentally active, other than yelling at the television,” David summarized.

“Yeah, video games are very active mentally. Some are even pretty active physically, like Wii sports. (With video games) you always have to solve problems and make decisions. It’s a good workout for your brain. You should try it Dad. Maybe it will keep your brain from getting old,” Neal laughed.

“So watching television is like eating brownies and playing video games is like eating oatmeal raisin cookies. Less bad for you,” David said.

“Yeah. Kind of like that granola cereal you eat in the morning, Dad. You ever read the label on that?” Neal asked.

“You keep pointing out my bad habits,” David said.

“You’re treating video games like they’re bad habits,” Neal shot back.

“I worry that it crowds out other activities, like time with friends, getting good at a favorite hobby, developing reasoning skills. You know. All the important stuff I’m supposed to make sure you develop as a kid,” David said.

“When I was at Uncle Arnie’s house, I had fun with my cousins, playing video games. One game we spent a lot of time on built civilizations. I had to make decisions about what to do and not do so my civilization grew. I learned more about how that works than I do in school,” Neal argued.

“You’ll have to show me that game,” David said.

“Can’t unless you buy it for me,” Neal answered.

David asked Neal to make a list of the activities he enjoyed. Without passing judgment he asked Neal for his help in dividing them into a 2×2 matrix of passive vs. active and social vs. isolated activities. Here is what they constructed:

	Active	Passive
S O C I A L	Basketball Soccer Climbing Business projects Playing Magic with friends Playing video games at friends’ houses Going on vacation Taking pictures Swimming Rafting Telling jokes and hearing jokes Going to visit Grandpa and Grandma Going to a Cubs game (when they win) Having sleepovers with friends	(watching televised sports or YouTube with friends)
I S O L A T E D	Reading (fantasy & mystery) Making money Spending money Playing video games	Watching sports on ESPN Watching the Simpsons Watching South Park Watching YouTube

ANALYSIS

I can just hear some of you out there saying, “Just put a one hour limit on the gaming and move on.” That may very well be the best answer, since kids are really not equipped to self-regulate when it comes to something as engaging and enticing as video gaming. All of you who took intro psychology in college remember the power of variable ratio reinforcement – aka gambling? Variable interval and variable ratio reinforcement are the two hardest forms of behavior to change. The whole state of Nevada is founded on the principle. We log on to a video game and win and feel great; and if we lose, we reboot and start the game all over again. Add to this power the limitations of the young brain to consider long-term consequences simultaneously, and you have the makings of gaming ‘til my daddy takes the joystick away’.

So why did David indulge Neal in these ongoing discussions? Neal won’t be living under his roof forever. Remember what happened to him after one month away? Passed out every weekend. Kids need to learn self-regulation before they leave home. Neal used video games as a source of soothing. Once he got to college, he also found beer with no limits. The only effective curb on beer and video gaming once he heads off to college will be his own reasoning about the consequences of overdoing.

Setting a rigid rule concerning video games, based on whatever research David could find, would also rob the two of them of a very rich process that takes place between them over the issue of video games. Both of them challenge each other to look more deeply at the issue than just good or bad, too much or too little. David is the ultimate authority and he has the ultimate say about limits, but he willingly listens to Neal’s arguments about whether those limits are fair and sound.

In this family, arguing displaces fighting. Neal can trust that he will be genuinely listened to and not simply dismissed or quieted via dominance. His dad carefully considered his arguments and acknowledged valid points, even changing his views as a result. Instead of getting defensive when Neal shamed him with his passive television watching, he acknowledged the criticism and incorporated it into the discussion. He did not try to hold to a double standard, nor did he revert to a dominant, “Because I said so” stance. Therefore, the development of the art of arguing as form of communication (COM) was well supported around this issue and in their relationship.

These dialogues are one extended I-E-B-R analysis, aren’t they? David does not get defensive when Neal brings up watching football on television as a comparable “waste of time” if that is what his father considers video gaming to be. David acknowledges his game watching to be a passive activity of little value when compared with other things. Although he doesn’t log the hours in front of the television that the teenage Neal logged in front of his video games, he opts not to make it an argument about how many hours, but a discussion of quality and the nature of the activity. Making a distinction between active and passive, social and isolated are helpful. David also asks Neal to list what he likes doing and then gets him to determine relative time spent on each. Neal is able to discover for himself that he is not honoring his stated values when it comes to interests. David’s point is that video gaming is very seductive and it tends to crowd out other desired activities. Only conscious limits can prevent that from happening. By having Neal discover those observations, they have much more chance of having an impact on his behavior than if David simply told him. And … it goes a long way towards helping Neal understand why his father sets limits on the gaming and enforces them.

Eventually, Neal may find a way to convince his father to be less ‘controlling’ when it comes to video gaming. Much of the world has embraced computerized tools that blur the boundaries with video gaming. David is determined to raise an informed consumer, however. If Neal can demonstrate greater self-control than the teenage version of Neal, then there will be opportunity for transferring more of that control to him. In some families, good grades warrant less need for controls on gaming. However, when expectations are not sufficiently high at school, some kids easily meet expectations and spend the majority of their free time gaming. That’s essentially what Neal did in Part I. It is not just school that gets the short end of the stick. Creativity, curiosity, and purpose also lose out when too many hours are logged in front of the game console. The ongoing talks were great opportunities for making A MESS in the areas of logical thinking (LT) and communication (COM).

Let’s Skip This

In the meantime, David and Neal have become regulars at the climbing gym. They climb together several days a week, sometimes including Neal’s middle school friends.

“Let’s skip this section,” suggested Neal.

“Why?” asked David.

“I’m just not getting it. It’s frustrating and no fun,” Neal explained.

“But it demands some techniques you are going to have to learn sometime,” David reminded him.

“Well let’s make sometime, later,” Neal said.

“Climbing should be fun. But if you only do the fun stuff, you may have to avoid more than just this section,” David warned him.

“I can do it later,” Neal insisted.

“This is the V-3 wall. Are you wanting to go climb the overhanging wall or the vertical wall?” David asked.

“I thought we’d go over to the V-2 wall and do some easier climbing,” Neal said.

“But you have already mastered that level. Why the return engagement?” David wondered.

“I won’t feel frustrated over there,” Neal explained.

“I know this section of the wall is frustrating you. Want me to show you a technique that will help you?” David offered.

“Sure,” Neal agreed.

“Okay. Let’s get those guys to belay us so we can be on the wall together. I know you will get this section. It involves a technique that took me forever to get. So I know how hard it is,” David explained.

(Up on the wall together, with David positioned on the same difficult section of the wall.)

“See, I am at the same spot where you were, with the same handholds. But instead of keeping my body away from the wall, I’m going to pull my torso in so I can reach the next hold. You know how I figured out this move?”

“By falling?” Neal exclaimed.

“Well. I was watching the Olympics during the high jump. And you know how the jumpers go over the bar backwards?” David began.

“You can’t be serious, Dad. You are going to show me how to Fosberry Flop my way up the wall?” Neal choked back a laugh.

“No. They showed old footage of how athletes used to high jump, with that leg roll. And I said, ‘ah, ha’.”

“So what was the ‘ah, ha’?” Neal asked, now genuinely curious.

“I realized that a high jumper could clear a bar, even though much of his body was still below the bar, simply by manipulating the center of gravity,” David explained.

“Less talk, Dad and more action here,” Neal encouraged.

“Okay. Here goes. Watch how I swing my leg, which transfers my weight and momentarily has me leaving both footholds and one hand hold.”

Neal looked down at his dad’s spotter. “You got a good grip on that rope? Because I think my dad has lost his.”

David swung his right leg in front of him, then back to the right and then violently to the left again, lifting him up to the next right hand hold.

“Dad. That was cool. You totally deserve a banana for that move,” said Neal, rather surprised at his father’s dexterity.

“Let me show you again. Did you see what I did with my right leg?” asked David.

“Yeah.”

David repeated the maneuver.

“Okay. Now it’s your turn. This is a move I call my ‘leap of faith’, because it involves leaping off my footholds, but having faith that I can land safely.”

“Think I’d call it the ‘grip of death’,” Neal suggested.

“Actually, it is more of a confidence thing than a physical challenge,” said David, still in his serious instructor mode.

“I can feel my elbow throb as you speak,” Neal reminded him of his good reason to be anxious.

“I know, but don’t worry. I fell every day for a week learning it.”

“That’s real comforting, Dad,” Neal said, sarcastically.

“Just trying to help. You know what helps? Close your eyes and just see yourself doing the move,” David suggested.

IVisualizing is a science of the brain.” .

“Dad, are you really going to give me one of your lectures on the side of a cliff?” Neal asked, a little frustrated.

“Well, actually, I am. When you imagine yourself doing some action correctly, your brain is laying down some hard (mylenation) wiring. Your body is learning even without actually doing the act,” David explained.

“Wait ‘til my Algebra teacher hears that. I’ll tell him I imagined my homework assignment to completion,” Neal laughed.

“Your brain also quickly stores what it has learned and does not like to have to make changes,” explained David.

“What do you mean?” Neal asked, showing he was actually curious.

“It means, learn something right the first time, or spend five times as long unlearning and relearning it correctly,” David explained.

“Ain’t that the truth,” laughed Neal, exaggerating the “ain’t”.

“I can tell you understand. So when you come to the gym, try to watch the instructors climb. They are demonstrating good technique images (for your brain) to store,” David reminded him.

“Dad, I told you that my (virtual) computer games were more important than getting out and doing (real world) stuff,” Neal said, not wanting to miss an opportunity to continue their long-standing argument about time spent playing video games.

“Yeah, like imitating Grand Theft Auto?” David scoffed.

“You wouldn’t let me buy that,” Neal responded, defensively.

“You got that right. I also know you sneak a few sessions of GTA when you are over at Max’s house,” David said.

“Busted! Don’t worry Dad. I get it. I know right from wrong.”

“I know you do,” David smiled. “Now imagine the move and give it a try.

Let’s quit talking and start climbing. Those two down below look bored,” said David.

“They’re not bored, Dad. They’re taking notes, hanging on your every word. Actually, Doug down there has been looking for an excuse to get next to Emily, so the longer we’re on the wall, the better Doug’s future is looking,” explained Neal, in a hushed, conspiratorial voice.

“So he wants me to keep talking?” David asked.

“I doubt if he cares, but I’m sure you are giving him plenty of material to talk comfortably to Emily about instead of having to worry about what she thinks of him,” Neal laughed.

“Kind of like Cyrano de Bergerac?” David suggested.

“I suspect it’s probably more like Dumb and Dumber,” responded Neal.

ANALYSIS

David recognized that Neal could easily choose to avoid challenges and give himself good reasons why avoidance was necessary. The role of the parent is to know what ambitions their child may possess but are reluctant to pursue. David knew that he needed to provide initial

support when Neal was at a critical juncture where it was easier to avoid than stay engaged with a challenging hurdle, one that could be frustrating. Frustration and failure are hard to take for many kids. For them, frustration can feel humiliating and failure can feel like shame, both of which need to be avoided at all costs. Parents and teachers need to find ways to help children learn to tolerate the “f” words in order to stay engaged and become more competent. In this example, David got up on the wall and showed Neal how to do a difficult maneuver. In other situations, the parent has to recognize the necessary field of engagement for the child and help him persist. If children learn early that frustration and failure are normally occurring processes, which they have many opportunities to engage and handle, they become more resilient in the face of challenges, which should be sources of growth instead of messages of inadequacy and therefore essential to avoid. Although David could be a little preachy, he knew that he had to emphasize the importance of engagement and the ability to tolerate and benefit from failures. That kind of resilience was greatly lacking in the teenage version of Neal we met earlier in the book. The earlier version of Neal’s father was far more passive and complacent, overlooking many necessary opportunities to challenge avoidance and encourage engagement.

Not only is David making A MESS of the climbing experience; he is also helping Neal make A MESS of himself as well. David is reminding Neal that mastery (M) comes by virtue of engaging challenges and sustaining that engagement while learning from trials and errors (or failures). He wants Neal to appreciate (A) MESS making as a fundamental formula for growth. Assess your interests and abilities, as well as your progress. From that determine goals to be mastered. Engage in the process of mastery, finding ways to sooth yourself and stay engaged. This applies to everything from climbing skills and math to social skills and communication.

It is obvious from the banter that this father not only cares about Neal, he also is quite tuned into him. He knew what Neal was up to, who his friends were and what was important to him. Although Neal feigns disapproval, he could feel safe knowing that his father was watching over him. He also knew that if and when he slipped up, his father would likely know about it or would understand if he came to him about it. That’s far different from the father who had his perception of his son rocked when he opened the door to his passed out teenage son.

This family has an understanding that everyone needs to be actively engaged in their lives, not simply passively entertained. Passivity is challenged and at times limited, replaced with an expectation for active, satisfying activities. The pursuit of satisfying activities rather than passive entertainment should be modeled by parents and encouraged for children. Passive entertainment can feel good in the moment. It can also serve as a form of avoidance of potential sources of frustration and failure, which translate into feelings of humiliation and shame. As opposed to the lassez faire approach of Neal’s parents in the first half of the book, this 2.0 version of David is quite attuned to the issue of video game playing, its appeal and its effects. He and Neal are constantly debating and analyzing its effects, thus making Neal a much more informed consumer – especially when he leaves home.

David spoke in ways that Neal could understand, but he also took opportunities to teach, such as with the explanation of neuroplasticity. Whenever Neal could have a scientific basis to understand why things work, this family afforded him that opportunity. Similarly, the parents emphasized that everyone should learn to become a scientist in their own lives, looking for evidence to support arguments and not just taking things at face value; hence, the tolerance for debating ideas instead of just accepting them.

David was attuned to where Neal should be headed developmentally. There may be times when he would have to lend support or help him to engage or stay engaged, but ultimately, he wanted Neal to be able to say, “I can handle it”, “I know what is right”, “I know how I feel”, and “I take responsibility”. He was also simultaneously aware of Neal’s need to develop and maintain satisfying relationships in his life so that he could eventually say, “I know how you feel” and “I can create satisfying relationships”.

Just like the previous vignette, David helped Neal make A MESS of himself in the areas of emotional competence (EC), logical thinking (LT), communication (COM), and of course relatedness (REL).

Another way in which David has been engaging Neal in the process of mastery is through sharing some self-monitoring techniques. David is no star athlete, but he is fit. He walks or exercises daily and monitors his weight and diet. He charts goals for himself and chips away at them gradually every day, like trying to walk 10,000 steps-a-day. Self-monitoring is a good way for Neal’s father to stay on top of his own behaviors like eating and exercising. It is also a good way to promote personal goals (as opposed to between child comparisons). Neal’s father entered middle school as a rather chubby seventh grader and graduated from high school a fit and trim eighteen-year-old. His school system expected every kid to exercise daily within a range of aerobic fitness. Instead of encouraging comparisons between kids, the school emphasized setting goals of beating previous measures for time, speed, weight lifted, etc. Neal’s dad didn’t win any athletic awards, but he enjoys running, biking, and swimming. The interaction Neal had with his father fits with that same emphasis on setting personal goals and self-monitoring. When Neal was curious about the charting, his father did a nice job of translating it into something Neal could use. Perhaps this could be put to use in their climbing life, or in Neal’s school life.

It’s Time To Let Go, Dad

David and Neal are at the gym:

“Let’s go climb the next section,” said Neal.

“Are we done here?” asked David.

“Yeah, I can do this section. I’ve made it to the top twice already,” Neal said.

“Have you made it to the top without me keeping the belaying rope taut?” asked David.

“Sure,” said Neal without giving the question any thought.

David gently reminded him, “No you haven’t.”

“You’re not supposed to keep it taut,” answered Neal, somewhat surprised and frustrated with his dad.

“I only did it when you had a momentary slip,” explained David.

“You are not supposed to do that, Dad. How am I going to know whether I made the climb on my own?” said Neal, with his hands on his hips.

“I’m sorry. Fatherly instinct kicked in,” David answered rather sheepishly.

“Sounds more like fatherly pride,” scolded Neal, more than willing to let this be his father’s fault.

“Oooo. Aren’t you the sage,” trying not to let on that the “fatherly pride” comment had hit a nerve connected to an old issue of David’s.

“Let me climb it again and you only hold tight if I have clearly fallen. I let you fall didn’t I?” said Neal, now smiling and determined.

“You certainly did. I’ve got the bruises to prove it,” said David, now back to his old self.

“Guess I was a little slow to react. I thought you had nailed that last section,” explained Neal, not quite ready to apologize for being a little slow on the belaying.

“No, it nailed me,” said David, rubbing his sore elbow.

“Got to get back on the wall, Dad. Don’t dwell on the mistakes,” said Neal, doing his best imitation of his dad’s style of encouragement.

“You sure talk a good game. I will. After I ice my knee, take some Advil and …,” moaned David.

“Your knee is just going to be more sore tomorrow. Besides, we won’t be back here in awhile,” Neal reminded him.

“Okay. If you make it to the top without any assistance, I’ll get back on the wall,” David said.

“I’m sure glad you don’t have issues with competition,” Neal responded, sarcastically.

“This is not a competition,” protested David, albeit weakly.

“Dad. I’ll still love you even if you can’t get to the top of this wall,” Neal teased him, knowing his dad could not back down from his challenge.

“Unbuckle yourself. I’m climbing,” Announced David, in mock disgust.

“Remember what they taught you in school, Dad. Wait your turn,” said Neal, loving the roll reversal for once.

“Actually, I would like to get up that wall before my knee really does swell up,” said David, half in jest, whole in earnest.

“In that case. Have at it,” said Neal, as he handed his dad the harness.

ANALYSIS

Being playful does not diminish one’s role as a parent. The competence showed in the actions, not in the power asserted. In this example, David and Neal uncover an important issue for both of them. There is no substitute for mastery. Mastery is the only true goal, not grades, or ratings. Neal believed he has mastered something because he got to a certain place on the wall. He was like the kid who reads that chapter in the math book and tells himself he understands the material and does not need to do the problems, only to find out on the test that he didn’t quite know it as well as he thought. David was eager for Neal to achieve and in this case provided too much help with the climbing. In rescuing Neal from falling or failing, he ultimately deprived him of mastery and actually knowing what he was capable of independent of any help. Parents often have a hard time sitting on their hands and letting their children engage in the necessary struggles of life. In cases like this, the rescuing may have been done for the sake of sparing the kid some frustration or it may have been done because David needed to believe that Neal and therefore he, was special. But ultimately, he did Neal a disservice by not letting him struggle on his own. Real measurable mastery is the yardstick by which kids should evaluate themselves; not via grades or comparisons with others. We need to examine our own issues that lead us to rescue our children from necessary developmental struggles.

David got a bit of a dope slap in this vignette and rightfully so. He was a little too attuned to Neal’s struggles climbing. Holding on to the belaying rope too tightly is a great metaphor for most of us, who want to protect our kids from hurts and disappointments. But then, how do we know when mastery has truly been achieved. The definition of mastery includes the ability to do something independently (without parental help).

Neal’s experience on the wall is not unlike that of the kid who is shocked when his math test score comes back 20 pts. lower than expected. How could it be? He had read the book and done the problems. It is easy to overlook how much ‘extra help’ is being provided, even unintentionally. That parental help may be necessary in the process of learning something new, but the only test of mastery is a totally independent attempt. And … the best diagnostic for focusing future study comes from the seeing where failure occurred and for what reasons.

Parents need to ask themselves, “Whom am I trying to protect?” when they provide too much help for their kids. Are we trying to spare our kids some bruises to their egos, or to our own? You can be sure David would be more than happy to share Neal’s progress at the gym with anyone who would listen. But genuine self-esteem comes from taking on challenges and overcoming them and then feeling good about what has been accomplished. And allowing for that to happen is a better way to make A MESS and carry on a relationship (REL).

Although these climbing vignettes make little mention of video games, they are one significant antidote to the over-involvement in gaming we saw in the earlier teenage version of Neal. When Neal is at the gym, he doesn’t miss video games at all. We recognized that the teenage Neal derived self-esteem from mastering video game play. But that genuine self-esteem also came from his climbing in this 2.0 version of Neal and his parents. Doritos and Mountain Dew don’t slow down a gamer, but they add extra baggage for the climber. This newer version of Neal was much fitter, by virtue of actively climbing rather than sitting in front of his computer screen. David limited Neal’s screen time but he also encouraged activities such as climbing that competed for Neal’s time, thus squeezing out some of the gaming time.

A number of Neal’s friendships emerged from his involvement in soccer and climbing. Think back on the teenage version of Neal. He was a good kid, who put his friends first. But he was also a defensive kid, who stayed clear of the frustration and humiliation the judgmental process he found threatening about school. His excuse was, “Friends come first”. Many of Neal’s friends shared that rationale, which minimized the importance of school. In fact, they would often tease each other if one of them seemed to be caving in to the need to focus on school and achieve. There was a built in need among them to keep grades and achievement at a minimum so that none of them felt the conflict that could get stirred up for not applying themselves. Only when Neal got to college did that framework fall apart.

Participation in climbing or being a part of the soccer team meant that he and his teammates had a quite different peer culture; they embraced ambition and striving. Personal growth and that of teammates became a shared goal, quite the opposite of the peer group’s need to minimize achievement in the teenage version we saw earlier with Neal. He was lucky to have a father and a set of coaches who encouraged growth as an athlete. A key ingredient for much of that was the reframing of failure as a source of growth rather than humiliation.

Wrap Up For Neal

Remember where we first met Neal at the beginning of the book? Think this newer version of Neal’s parents will welcome him home from college, passed out on their doorstep? Neal may drink some beer when he goes off to college, but he won’t be chugging them down, desperately trying to fit in and feel adequate. Next time he will start college well prepared academically. He will have purpose, responsibilities and ambitions that will compete for his full attention, and he will make new friends from a secure base of genuine self-esteem. He was the same smart easy-going kid we met earlier. So what was different about the version 2 Neal?

Having been blessed with a kid already wired for intelligence and temperament, Neal’s Version 1 parents were lulled into (child rearing) complacency. They assumed the great hardware came with the software preinstalled? Neal’s Version 2 parents didn’t make that same mistake. They made A MESS of Neal. Unlike Mitch, who told us constantly where the problems were, Neal’s natural abilities and temperament failed to raise any obvious “Fix It” flags. In version 2 their complacency was replaced by attunement to his abilities, interests and achievements. In so doing, they coopted the coasting avoidance that characterized Neal in Part 1. The old Neal avoided frustration and threats of failure, and found ways to justify it. The new Neal learned that frustration could be tolerated and failure was a source of learning, en route to mastery. Making A MESS led his parents to listen for genuine interests that produced genuine goals. Making A MESS taught Neal how to soothe himself and stay engaged with challenges in pursuit of mastery. By the time he was ready for college, that process was largely an internal one of Neal’s. Perhaps the greatest gift his parents gave him was the safe space in which to learn that failure was not a source of humiliation, but an opportunity to learn and grow.