Employ the Power of Passion and Purpose: Mitch
Mitch with Coach Carson & Mom
Mitch was probably the most difficult of the five kids and clearly had the most ground to cover developmentally if he was to turn things around. And, for that reason, he is good one to end with because he provides a wonderful summary of everything we have covered. Deficient in all eleven developmental competencies; dependent upon his mother to keep him afloat in school and in life; alienated from friends and every thing he loved because of his behavior and lack of discipline; yes, he was a mess when we first met him and he will require a full court press to turn him around. So let me introduce you to the team that applied that press.
As you will recall, Mitch threatened the student teacher and was headed for the Alternative School, aka ‘Jail’ in Mitch’s mind. Fortunately, the dean of students recognized that Mitch’s behavior was defensive, a crude attempt to avoid feeling humiliated in front of his peers. The Dean’s IEBR analysis resulted in a plan for Mitch to earn the right to return to school. Mitch could work with a tutor to get completely caught up in Math, and only then could he be allowed to return to school. Failing that, the choices for Mitch were The Alternative School or, as we will find out below, being shipped out.
Mitch’s tutor, a math major who just happened to be the closer on the college baseball team, easily had Mitch’s attention and respect. And Mitch recognized that his tutor was his best resource for getting back to school and friends. Away from the judgment and comparisons of school, Mitch was able to ask for help and struggle with frustrating work, instead of avoiding and making excuses. High expectations, safety and support proved to be the answers to making progress in Math. Now, the challenge was how to recreate that formula elsewhere in Mitch’s life.
As you will see in the vignettes that follow, Molly, Mitch’s mother, had to make some serious adjustments of her own. To this point, she felt like a victim of Mitch’s ADHD. He could not handle things without Molly’s constant monitoring and assistance, but absent that ‘control’, as Mitch perceived it, he floundered. So Molly was damned if she did, damned if she didn’t. As we will see in the following vignettes, her ability to pull back and leave the conflict about development in Mitch where it belonged was extremely difficult but essential. We will also see how she played a valuable role in directing Mitch to important adults who could help him – most notably Coach Carson.
It was the involvement of the last member of this team, Coach Carson, who truly turned things around. Sure, Mitch had a therapist he saw once a week, but Mitch was not interested in hearing what he ‘should’ do, nor was he interested in owning what he contributed to his own problems. For now, the therapist served a more useful purpose advising the adults in Mitch’s life, and lending emotional support to Molly when she was ready to give up. Coach Carson on the other hand, had Mitch’s respect. It is this relationship that we will focus on because it exemplifies the relationship with a charismatic adult in a child’s life that proves to be transformative.
What do I mean by charismatic? Coach Carson was attuned to Mitch’s personality, abilities, interests and developmental progress. He knew what Mitch needed to master and was able to join Mitch in Mitch’s world (baseball) and begin the process of doing the long delayed developmental work. And lastly, Mitch admired and respected Coach Carson. As you read the vignettes, you will recognize the coach making A MESS of Mitch, viewing Mitch’s inappropriate behavior through an IEBR lens and consequently responding in growth producing fashion rather than punitively. Instead of holding a fixed mindset about Mitch’s ADHD, he focused on producing growth in areas such as self-discipline and self-regulation, while producing a young man with a sense of purpose and integrity.
The transformation of Mitch in the hands of Coach Carson is a fine summary of this book. And Molly’s ability to find a way to effectively parent Mitch gives us hope for parents caught in painful, conflicted relationships with their teenage children.
Before we explore Mitch’s relationship with Coach Carson, let’s look in on the transformation of Molly’s relationship with her son. This change was essential because the two of them were previously stuck in a hostile-dependent relationship that was truly unhealthy for both of them. Molly felt depressed, overworked and unappreciated. Mitch felt controlled by his mother and angry with her for denying him the respect and independence he felt he deserved, given his age. As we join them, we see how close Molly is to giving up. Yet in sharing that with Mitch, she begins to put the conflict back in him where it belongs. For too long he has depended too much on her and blamed others for his failings. As you will recall, Mitch benefited greatly from his relationship with his tutor. What I hadn’t told you until now is that Molly gave Mitch a little extra incentive to invest in that relationship.
Mitch and Molly
“Mitch, I’m really worried about you,” Molly said.
“Huh?”
“We used to get along great. Now all we do is fight.”
“You’re always telling me what to do,” Mitch complained.
“I’m just trying to be helpful.”
“I don’t need you bossing me around.”
“I’m trying to help and you call it bossing.”
“You are always telling me ‘Do this and don’t do that’.”
“I think it is usually, “Don’t forget this and don’t forget that’.”
“Well, that’s bossing.”
“If I don’t remind you, you get in trouble for not doing something. And then you get mad at me for not reminding you.”
“That’s not true.”
“Seriously? You were mad at me for not helping you with your English assignment Sunday night. At 10pm!”
“I didn’t know how to do it.”
“It was due on Monday and you hadn’t even started it on Sunday. And then you blamed me for not helping you.”
“I don’t want to talk about it.”
“I really don’t know what to do. All this fighting is wearing me out. I can’t keep going on this way.”
“What are you going to do? Throw me out?”
“Dad said you could work on the (cruise) ship as a seaman apprentice.”
“You can’t be serious,” responded Mitch, shocked at what he had just heard.
“He said you’d learn discipline and it would be good for you.”
“Discipline? I’d be like a slave on his ship.”
“I think you need your dad in your life. You aren’t listening to me.”
“You know how he is. He doesn’t listen. He just gives orders.”
“Well, I think you need to be following someone’s orders, because you aren’t taking care of things on your own.”
“I hate ships. I hate being on the ocean. And I don’t like being bossed around. I think that idea sucks, Mom.”
“I know you don’t like the idea, but we can’t go on like this fighting every day.”
“Let me go live with Grandpa. I don’t mind following his orders. They make sense.”
“I wish you could. Grandma’s cancer is worse, so it wouldn’t be fair to them.”
“I would totally help out with Grandma.”
“I know you would. You are really helpful at their house.”
“So why not?”
“Grandma’s going through chemo and radiation. They are back and forth to the hospital. It just wouldn’t work right now. I’m sorry. I thought of it. Grandpa said, ‘If things change, you are welcome to come’.”
“You mean if Grandma dies, I can go live with him? That’s not right. I love Grandma.”
“I know you do. Going to live with them just isn’t an option.”
“So what is?”
“Well, your dad will be in port the end of May. Show me that you have things turned around by then or I’m going to let Dad try his plan.”
“I can’t believe you would do that. Send me off on a ship. You know what they do to people on ships?”
“I know your dad won’t let anything bad happen to you.”
“Mom! When the ship is at sea, U.S. laws don’t protect me.”
“Sounds like you have been doing your Law of the Sea homework. Just take care of things like homework here and it won’t be an issue.”
“First they are going to send me to the Alternative School Jail. And then you are going to send me to Jail at Sea.”
“The dean gave you a great opportunity. You have a tutor and a pathway back to school. All you need to do is take advantage of it.”
“Or else.”
“Do you want to be back at school with your friends?”
“Or make new friends at sea?”
“I’m afraid it is coming down to that.”
“No way I’m going on that stupid boat with Dad.”
“Then work with the tutor and get caught up.”
“I’ll give it a try, but you have to quit bossing me around.”
“I’m happy to take a step back. You and the tutor figure out how you are going to get caught up and back to school. I’ll stay out of it unless you ask for my help.”
“That’s the first smart thing you’ve said.”
“Humph.”
“What’s for lunch?”
“Whatever you can find in the fridge.”
“Mooooommmmm.”
This vignette captures the dependent relationship that Mitch still has with his mom and her frustration with his unwillingness to do the work of becoming self-reliant. As you can see in this vignette, Molly has begun an important transition from helper and rescuer, to cheer leader, advisor and when necessary, tough cop. She is extracting herself from the “Damned if I do (too much), damned if I do (too little)” bind Mitch has placed her in with his reluctance to take responsibility for himself.
With Molly’s urging and the added sea cruise incentive, Mitch invested himself in working hard with his tutor. Mitch found that in the privacy of a 1:1 tutoring relationship, he was safe from (public) humiliation in front of his peers. He also came to realize that his tutor was not judging him, but only wanted to help him achieve. With gentle teasing and prodding, but unconditional support, Mitch came to trust that what his tutor was telling him that “You have to be willing to risk failure to learn”, because (those failures or errors) provided a clear guide for what still needed to be mastered.
“Mitch, how come you worked hard for your tutor and didn’t fight with him?”
“Why?”
“Because, he said the very same things to you that I did, but with him you listened and did them.”
“Because he was my tutor.”
Molly had a long history of ‘Damned if you do, damned if you don’t’ with Mitch and his homework. If she prompted him to work on it, he got mad and fought with her. If she left it to him, he didn’t finish it and he began to fail his classes.
“I’m glad that relationship worked so well for you.”
“Yeah. He was cool.”
“I agree. I think he was good for both you and me.”
“Huh?”
“Well, you worked hard with him. Got caught up. And took care of business (with school).”
“So.”
“So, I’m glad to see you do that. I think I need to let you do that more often.”
“What do you mean?”
“Well, before you worked with your tutor, I tried to help you. But most of the time we just fought.”
“You were trying to boss me around and tell me what to do.”
“Did I do things differently than your tutor did?”
“He didn’t boss me.”
“So he was more a coach instead of a boss?”
“Yeah.”
“I get it. You needed him to help you get something you wanted, right?”
“Yeah. I wanted the principal to let me back into school.”
“So you wanted his help.”
“Yeah.”
“You know what else made it different? You really wanted to study.”
“I didn’t want to be stuck at home and I sure didn’t want to go on Dad’s stupid boat.”
“I think we both learned good lessons. I need to trust you to take care of things more and stop trying to tell you what you should be doing.”
“Well yeah. You shouldn’t boss me around. But what’s the catch. What are you getting at?”
“I think I’m going to try being more of a coach and less of a boss.”
“Ok. Whatever. Can you give me a ride to practice tomorrow?”
“No.”
“Mommmmm.”
The next vignette will not only tax Molly’s patience, but her olfactory world as well. She has told Mitch that he is responsible for getting himself to his practices and games on time and on his own. And he is responsible for getting his gear and uniform ready in time as well. Leading up to the next vignette, Molly had to remind herself several times that even though it would be easier on her and her nose if she just washed his smelly uniform, it was important for Mitch to have the consequence of not washing his uniform, even if she had to tolerate the smell and the predictable tantrum that came with not rescuing.
“Mom, my uniform is dirty and smelly. I can’t play in this.”
“Ewww! It really does reek.”
“Why didn’t you wash it?”
“I told you last week, I’m letting you take responsibility for your laundry – including baseball uniforms.”
“That’s not fair. I can’t show up for the game with this smelly uniform.”
“I can see why you wouldn’t want to. It really smells bad. What are you going to do about it?”
“Mom. This isn’t fair. You know I need to have this ready on game days.”
“I do know it. And you know it. Would you like my help figuring out what to do?”
“No way can I go to the game in this. Call the Coach and tell him I’m sick.”
“That is not a good solution for you or your team.”
“Well, what?”
“I think if you hand wash it in the sink and then dry it on high heat, you’ll be able to play in a clean uniform.”
“And a dry one?”
“A damp one.”
“Mommmm.”
“Just tell them you already worked up a sweat.”
“And are you still going to make me get to the game on my own today?”
“I think I can make an exception today if you make the effort to wash it and dry it.”
“Mom …”
“But, just this once because in the future I know you will plan ahead for laundry and transportation.”
“I think I liked you better as a boss than a coach.”
“Not me. I like this much better. Now do you want my advice on which soap to use?”
As you can see, Molly has her work cut out for her as she tries to slowly shift responsibility for self-care away from her and on to Mitch where it belongs. Mitch has tried to make her feel guilty about it and when that hasn’t worked, has been angry and demanding. But Molly has held to her course, which she and Mitch both desperately need. In so doing, she is promoting the self-discipline and responsibility he needs to function in the world.
“Mom, I need you to ….”
“Whoa! You know Mitch. My middle name is not, ‘I need you to’.”
“What?”
“I need you to … listen to me for once.”
“I’m late for practice. Where’d you put my cap and sunglasses?”
Molly raised her arms, palms up, with her head tilted indicating ‘I don’t know’, before Mitch stormed out of the house. A moment later, he rushed back in and yelled, “Mom, I need a ride. I’m late.”
“Sorry. I have to get ready for work.”
“But I’m late.”
“Ride your bike.”
“Mom, this isn’t fair.”
Molly is putting responsibilities and conflicts back into Mitch where they belong instead of rescuing him. That old pattern of rescuing arose from genuine caring and love. When her son was struggling, she had stepped in to help. But for some reason, that need for help and the view of him as unable to change that was attached to the ADHD label left them stuck in that dependency dance. Molly is now focused on changing that, recognizing that Mitch is capable of growth and greater self-reliance and knowing she certainly does not need a son still living in her basement fifteen years from now.
Later … at dinner time.
“How was practice?”
“I had to run twenty laps for being late.”
“Coach doesn’t put up with being late, does he?”
“You knew that. Everyone made fun of me for riding my bike.”
“Why? What’s wrong with riding a bike?”
“It’s nerdy. It means you don’t have a car.”
“You aren’t old enough to drive.”
“That’s why I needed a ride this morning.”
“I’m sorry you were late.”
“If you’d given me a ride, none of this would have happened.”
“You need a plan for getting to practice that doesn’t depend on me.”
“How come?”
“Because I’m getting ready for work in the morning, so I won’t be late.”
“If you started earlier, you’d have time to give me a ride.”
“Hmmm. Starting earlier is a good idea. See if you can do that tomorrow.”
“That’s not what I meant.”
Old habits die hard, especially when they come with sweet treatment from your mom. It is a long hard slog, but Molly is on board with asking Mitch to take responsibility instead of depending on her for reminders and rescuing. Instead of responding to his pain or trying to prevent it, Molly now recognizes that failure to plan ahead and take responsibility has its own built in consequences and she needs to allow Mitch to experience those. It is not her responsibility to rescue him from them. It is her responsibility to help him learn from them, however.
Another requirement for returning to school was for Mitch to be drug free. Proud of his work with his tutor and free of the ‘whatever’ effects of the marijuana, Mitch discovered the ambition (the passion) to resume playing baseball during the summer. American Legion baseball is quite competitive, but Mitch was familiar with the players on the team and felt he was good enough to compete with them. As you could tell from the vignettes above, Mitch was very responsible about getting to practice on time and working hard, a real contrast with his earlier approach to sports. But sometimes, even when the kid seems to have turned the corner, the world is not waiting with open arms and support.
“I’m sorry things didn’t work out with the baseball coach this summer,” Molly said.
“He’s a dick. Totally screwed me over. Never gave me a chance.”
“Well, I’m proud of you for trying.”
“Lot of good it did me.”
“Well hard work usually pays off, even if someone else doesn’t recognize it.”
“I’m not so sure.”
“You worked hard with the tutor and got yourself back to school.”
“That was different.”
“What do you mean?”
“Well, if I didn’t, you were going to send me off on Dad’s boat.”
“Ha. You mean you only worked hard at your schoolwork so you could stay home with me? Ahhh. That’s sweet.”
“No. I worked hard with (name of tutor) because he was nice and straight with me. I like people like that.”
“I’m like that. Why doesn’t that work for me?”
“It’s different. You’re my mother.”
“So I can be nice and fair, but I get ignored?”
“I don’t ignore you, I …”
“Just don’t agree with what I say.”
“Well. Sometimes you treat me like I’m still a little kid.”
“Sometimes you act like a little kid.”
“What do you mean?”
“Little kids depend on their moms to get them up in the morning, fix their breakfast, provide them with clean clothes, take them to school when they miss the bus, help them with their homework and tell them when it’s time to turn out their light at night.”
“I don’t need you to tell me when to turn out the light.”
“Young men do ALL of those things for themselves.”
“Who have you been talking to? You act like you resent being my mother.”
“I don’t resent being your mother. I resent having to help you do everything and then getting yelled at if I do too much or too little.”
“Chill Mom.”
“Anyway, I don’t know how we got started arguing again.”
“It was when …”
“I’m sorry the baseball thing didn’t work out. I know how much baseball means to you.”
“All that work and what do I have to show for it? Nothing!”
“I agree. It doesn’t seem fair. But I’m proud of what you did to get ready to play this summer.”
“I could have been doing something else instead of sitting on the bench watching those guys chew and spit all summer.”
“Hmmm.”
“They thought they were so special. Called me a pothead behind my back. Half of ‘em are hooked on snuff.”
“I’m proud of you for stopping the marijuana, honey.”
“Lot of good it did me.”
“Why don’t you go talk to Coach Carson about what to do.”
“Why?”
“He’s somebody you respect.”
“I used hate him for being so hard on me. But he doesn’t play favorites.”
“He’s been a good man to have in your life.”
“I wish Dad was more like Coach Carson.”
“Dad likes Coach Carson too.”
His high school dean accurately assessed the basis for Mitch’s outburst with the student teacher and gave him an opportunity for remediation. With Molly’s stick and the tutor’s carrot, Mitch took advantage of that pathway back to school. Unfortunately, an astute dean or helpful tutor was not always available. Mitch’s father was at sea much of the year and when he was home, he parented in an authoritarian style that may work for him on the ship but it got him nowhere with Mitch. Molly was still in the process of extracting herself from her old relationship with Mitch centered on dependency. At the end of the vignette above, she reminds Mitch of someone who briefly filled the role of authoritative parent when Mitch played on his baseball team. In her best move ever, Molly urges Mitch to go pay Coach Carson a visit.
It is unfortunate that Mitch’s father has been so absent in his life and when he is present, so rigid and authoritarian. Fortunately, Molly has found a group of supportive adults to fill some of that void for Mitch and for her. After Mitch’s remarkable academic recovery while working with his tutor, his therapist suggested to the dean of students that Mitch might benefit from serving in the role of tutor for a child in need of help. Despite the fact that therapy hasn’t had the impact they would have wished, the therapist’s understanding of Mitch has led to a number of valuable recommendations that have proved fruitful. One of these was providing Mitch with a purposeful role as tutor. As we will see later, Coach Carson recognized the value of such a role and convinced a coaching friend to involve Mitch as an assistant youth baseball coach.
“Mitch, help me understand something,” Molly asked.
“Huh?”
“I went to your Parent-Teacher conference last night and I was talking to Mrs. McGill.”
“Oh, oh. Now what did I do wrong?”
“Well, according to her, you are doing everything right.”
“Huh?”
“She says you haven’t missed one day of tutoring at the grade school. That you get there on time, always cheerful and well prepared.”
“So?”
“So, you get there everyday, on time, well prepared? And then get yourself back to school in time for baseball practice?”
“So?”
“So, why can you do that at school, for your tutoring job but not at home?”
“It’s easy Mom. My student is depending on me. I can’t let him down.”
“And practice?”
“I can’t let my team down.”
“So, the only person you can let down is me?”
“Chill, Mom. Things are getting better aren’t they? Remember, I’m still a work in progress.”
“You certainly are.”
“I am what?”
“A piece of work.”
“Is that good or bad?”
“I’m proud of how hard you are working at the tutoring and the baseball.”
“Thanks.”
Yes, the dependency thing between Mitch and his mom has been hard to change. Even though he has been taking more responsibility at school, Mitch still holds on to some of his old habits with his mom. Part of that may be that being taken care of feels like being loved. Or maybe it is just natural to like it when someone else does things for you. But we should be encouraged that he is stepping up in other areas of his life. One secret weapon seemed to be the recognition that Mitch liked helping others. These roles gave Mitch a sense of purpose that he had lacked. And these were much healthier means of feeling good about himself than trying to defeat someone or dominate them. Finding him purposeful roles as tutor and assistant coach were clearly home runs for the therapist, dean of students and Coach Carson.
Coach Carson: The power of a charismatic adult in Mitch’s life
Speaking of Coach Carson, let’s shift our attention to the important work he did with Mitch as a young ball player and then later as a high school aged kid.
Coach Carson was tough, but fair. He was a former minor league ballplayer, whose kids were now grown, who loved the game so much he couldn’t stay away from it. He had seen all types during his years in baseball, so Mitch was not new to him, nor was he put off by Mitch’s bluster or blaming. He also knew insecurity in its many baseball forms, so Mitch was pretty transparent, regardless of what he was enacting. Fortunately for Mitch, Coach Carson liked him and saw something in him worth developing.
During his years as a player, including five years in the minors, Coach Carson had come to some conclusions about what made a good baseball player. There were loads of kids with talent. Mitch was clearly one of them. But that potential meant little without hard work. Coach Carson knew from the minor leagues that everyone who made it that far clearly had a great deal of talent. What separated the ones who made it to the big leagues and those who didn’t was not just talent. It was hard work. He would tell the new signees that they had to log 10,000 hours of “baseball work” before they would make it to the big leagues and stay. Coach Carson had logged those hours, but by then his knees had had enough. No justice!
Coach Carson had also seen a range of personalities come and go from the minor league system. Players gifted with speed and powerful arms were quickly signed to contracts out of high school, but few of them put in the work. They assumed that the giftedness that set them apart from their teammates through high school would be their ticket to the top. Some had looked for short cuts in the form of steroids and amphetamines. But some recognized that drugs could not replace the long hard work of developing skills. He admired the kids who worked harder than anyone, well beyond any scheduled practices. They ran the stadium steps and lifted weights before most guys were awake. They listened to feedback about deficits and became singularly focused on correcting them. Two of these kids made it to the major leagues, not as stars, but as players a manager could depend upon to play defense in the late innings, to lay down a sacrifice bunt, and to lead by example with his work ethic and attitude.
As we listen in on some of the interactions between Coach Carson and Mitch, you will see that we have someone who really understands Mitch, his potential, his personality, and the reasons he acts the way he does. If we could have wished for something to help Mitch earlier in his life, we likely would have found someone like Coach Carson. He is a firm, clear, no nonsense guy who tells Mitch to quit making excuses and start doing the hard work it takes to improve.
Coach Carson understands the need for Mitch to develop internal discipline and genuine self-esteem. He also knows what it takes to develop into a good ball player. As you will see in the vignettes, the coach is pretty good at assessing where Mitch stands developmentally, both as a ball player and a person. He is able to define goals that Mitch needs to master, he provides the structure Mitch needs to engage with these goals, and he also helps Mitch learn to sustain that engagement, with sufficient motivation and self-control (self-soothing). Baseball was where a connection with Mitch was possible – where development could be promoted. With another child it might have been music or video games. But if we were going to join Mitch in his world, the remaining healthy part of it, it was going to have to be baseball.
You will notice in these vignettes, Coach Carson is employing the I-E-B-R and Make A MESS approaches. Our wished for coach is able to assess Mitch’s bluster and excuse making and see the attempts to avoid humiliation and protect a fragile self-esteem. The coach is then able to assess areas of incomplete development. The missing developmental competency of genuine self-esteem is translated into specific measurable goals to master, in this case within the world of baseball. The coach is also good at emphasizing the need for sustained engagement to achieve this mastery. And he knows Mitch well enough to know that he needs a great deal of support as he learns to soothe himself in healthy ways that allow him to tolerate the frustration of engaging with challenges fraught with built in failures in order to grow. As you read the following interactions between Mitch and the coach, notice how the coach’s interventions with Mitch specifically address some of the developmental pathways we identified earlier in the book, like self-discipline, logical thinking, and emotional regulation. These were not qualities that Mitch possessed when he came into Coach Carson’s universe.
“That umpire screws me over every time,” fumed Mitch.
“You mean you walk more guys than you should?” responded Coach Carson.
“I can’t trust him to give me a correct call.”
“Do you think the umpire calls balls and strikes differently when you are pitching?”
“Probably not, but it sure feels like that. I don’t think he’s out to get me, but when I try to hit the corner (with a pitch), I can’t count on him getting the call right.”
Coach Carson responded rather matter-of-factly, “If you have more walks than strike outs, you are not throwing enough strikes.”
“If I just put it over the middle of the plate, these batters will light me up.”
“You have to earn an umpire’s respect. If you consistently hit the catcher’s target, they’ll give you the call. If the catcher has to move his glove to go get your pitch, they know you don’t have command of your pitches.”
“I can throw harder than anyone in this league,” Mitch whined.
“But speed is not command. There are one hundred balls in this cart. When you can put eighty of those balls through that target, come talk to me.”
“Why? What will you give me?” asked Mitch.
“A new target for a different part of the strike zone. Command of a pitch means that you can hit each of the four corners of the strike zone more than eighty percent of the time,” explained Coach Carson.
“I can do it if I slow the speed way down.”
“Show me. Accuracy needs to come before speed anyway. I’ll bet you will be able to master the outside corner of the plate after 10,000 pitches.”
Mitch closed his eyes and thought, “So at 100 pitches-a-day, times five-days-a-week. That’s twenty weeks for one spot with one pitch,” figured Mitch.
“That’s some pretty quick calculating son. Actually, at 120 pitches a day, it’s more like sixteen weeks and three days.”
“I think I just need to get stronger so I can blow people away with my fastball.”
“You can already throw the ball as fast as Gregg Maddux,” observed the coach.
“Who’s he?”
“A pitcher on his way to Cooperstown, who can hit all the targets with all the pitches.”
Coach Carson has been around long enough to recognize the basis for Mitch’s bluster and excuse making. He knows that the move from talent to acquired skill requires a great deal of hard work – work that Mitch has yet to do. Instead of arguing with or indulging Mitch’s excuses, Coach Carson matter-of-factly explains what one aspect of competent pitching consists of and what it takes to learn it. He recognizes Mitch’s need to move beyond the easy days of being able to throw the ball past kids by virtue of his strength. Mitch’s peers have learned that if Mitch tries to throw too hard, they can patiently wait to be walked. If he slows his pitches down to get them in the strike zone, they can hit his “fast ball”. They wait for the fastball because they know he cannot get his curve ball over the plate consistently.
Coach Carson is teaching Mitch that he must acquire the skill of hitting a specific target with a pitch at will. To acquire this skill, Mitch will need to practice. In so doing, Mitch is moving from an external process (being bigger and stronger) to an internal process (developing specific skills). He is also moving from an external (blame the umpire) process to an internal (hit your target) process. Coach Carson is well aware that Mitch lacks internal discipline and he is providing a small achievable goal in this area for him to pursue, while blocking the old defensive behavior in the process. He is also aware that Mitch’s self-esteem has been dependent upon dominating opponents. The coach recognizes that in the long run, genuine self-esteem is an internal process that comes from hard earned skills or competence. Coach Carson has identified a goal for Mitch to master and reminded him it will take sustained practice (engagement) to accomplish it. What about the self-soothing process, you ask? The next vignette will begin to address the need for Mitch to learn to self-soothe – which is an important developmental component of emotional competence. Again, the idea that growth is possible will challenge Mitch’s fixed view of himself as ADHD and unable to control his emotions or behaviors.
The Coach Doesn’t Take Excuses
Coach Carson expects Mitch to control his expression of anger and impulsive behaviors. This vignette is an example of an authoritative coach, with a growth mindset, who teaches effective communication and emotional regulation. He does not accept Mitch’s excuses that he cannot control himself because of his ADHD.
Having just struck out, Mitch is enraged.
“Mitch! Settle down,” said Coach Carson.
“That @#$% umpire punched me out and just stood there and laughed.”
In a calm, but firm voice, Coach Carson said, “Get your bats and glove and go take a shower. You’re out of this game.”
“The ump didn’t throw me out.”
“No, but I did. I want to see you in my office thirty minutes after this game ends.”
Later:
“I understand you think the umpire was mocking you, but you still have to stay under control,” said Coach Carson.
“You saw it yourself. That, that umpire punched me out with that big ‘Ya outta here’ arm pump he’s so proud of. And then he stood there and laughed at me,” whined Mitch.
“Yeah. I saw it. He was laughing at you making a fool of yourself by throwing your helmet, swearing and kicking dirt. Actually, he should have thrown you out of the game instead of me.”
“I get mad when I get a crappy call,” Mitch tried to defend himself.
“You have tantrums when things don’t turn out the way you would like,” explained Coach Carson.
“You make me sound like a little kid.”
“You acted like one today. If that happens again, you’ll not only leave the game, but you will sit out the next game as well.”
“I can’t help it. I just blow.”
“If you want to play on this team, then you need to find a way to keep your anger to yourself and not let it just spew.”
“But what if I can’t?”
“If you want to play baseball, you find a way to keep better control of your behavior,” said Coach Carson, unwilling to debate the matter.
Mitch had struck out. Instead of accepting it and possibly learning from it, he was angry and blamed the umpire. Striking out felt like a blow to his self-esteem, so when the umpire announced the third strike with some added flourish, it felt to Mitch like the umpire was mocking him or trying to humiliate him. Mitch was clueless to the fact that the humiliation was largely of his own making. He had long attached his self-worth to how he performed on the ball field, so being called out in front of everyone was quite a blow to his sense of self.
Most kids feel badly when they strike out. It comes with caring. How they respond differs greatly with developmental growth. Striking out is a mini-failure of sorts, but it also represents an opportunity to reflect on what happened so that next time the outcome can be better. Some kids learn from their failures. Some kids like Mitch, find them so hard to tolerate emotionally, there is little opportunity for reflection and learning. Mitch was unable to tolerate his feelings. His embarrassment or humiliation quickly became anger, which came out in the form of a tantrum: blaming, swearing, and throwing things.
Coach Carson told Mitch that he needed to learn to control himself emotionally so that he did not swear at the umpire or throw a tantrum. Emotional regulation or self-soothing is an important developmental skill children need to learn to maintain friendships and/or to stay engaged in processes that are challenging. Children must learn to tolerate failure and frustration if they are to learn and grow. Coach Carson was telling Mitch where the limits were in terms of behavior and what the consequences would be if he could not self-regulate. His limit setting and disappointment conveyed to Mitch, “This is what civilized young adults do”. In a sense, Coach Carson was also teaching about moral integrity. Fine young men and women do not throw their bats and head gear or lash out at the umpire. They are respectful of the umpire’s authority and the rules of the game – just as a good citizen respects the rules of society. Coach Carson knew that baseball meant enough to Mitch that he would have added incentive to self-regulate in the future. In other words, the coach reminded him of the (I can) that needs to go with the (I want).
We can see from Mitch’s excuse making that he shared the fixed mindset view that his ADHD was why he could not control his emotions and behaviors. Coach Carson’s growth mindset attitude differed from the view held by others in Mitch’s life. The coach’s view was, “If you want to play baseball on this team, then learn to control your behavior”. In other words, Coach Carson trusted that baseball meant enough to Mitch that he could learn to soothe himself when frustrated after striking out – that he was capable of growth in this area of his life.
As you know, Mitch had a temper that could quickly turn into threatening behavior. Remember him banging on his mother’s bedroom door or threatening the student teacher? Emotional competence should be at the top of his developmental “to-do” list. But another important part of controlling his behavior should come from the development of moral integrity. Moral integrity means we care about others and how our actions affect them. Let’s check in on an example of how Coach Carson promoted moral integrity.
The coach teaches moral integrity
Coach Carson cared about his players as well as the players on the other team. In this vignette the coach demonstrated empathy and promoted the development of moral integrity and logical thinking.
“But it’s legal!”
“I don’t care what you have seen on television,” explained Coach Carson. “On this team, we don’t run the catcher over at home plate. You have 90 feet to make up your mind what kind of slide will get you to the plate.”
“But Coach,” complained Mitch, “if he’s blocking home plate, we have the right to run him over.”
“Just because it’s legal doesn’t mean it’s right,” the Coach’s voice indicated that this was non negotiable.
Mitch totally missed the cues that would tell him that arguing would get him nowhere. “But Coach, failing to run him over could cost us the game.”
“In all my years of baseball,” explained Coach Carson, “I can never remember when running the catcher over was the one and only best option. If you want to run someone over, go play football.”
“If he is blocking the plate, holding the ball, what am I supposed to do?”
“Get there earlier or be creative. The price of victory is not worth a broken collar bone or a broken wrist.”*
* since I wrote this vignette, MLB has instituted a new rule banning this very behavior.
Coach Carson was a man of character. He believed that moral integrity took precedence over winning and losing. He conveyed a clear code of conduct to his players, which included respect for the health and safety of others above all else. He told Mitch that he could strive to win, but it need not come at the expense of other’s safety. When Mitch protested that running over the catcher was just part of the game (as seen on television), Coach Carson told him, “That’s not the way we play the game”. He told Mitch that a smart ballplayer could use logical thinking and plan ahead. There were many ways to score that did not involve bulldozing the catcher. Coach Carson was a catcher his whole career and had empathy for catchers, regardless of which team. He conveyed to his players that it was possible to compete, yet retain empathy and moral integrity. The important ingredient in moral integrity was caring and he provided his players with reasons to care – and if they did not care, they did not play.
Can you recognize the Make A MESS process when you see it? The coach knew that power and dominance were important to teenage boys. And so was winning. It doesn’t get any better than running over the catcher at home plate and scoring, right? The coach was teaching these boys that their behavior should be governed by something other than their reptilian brains. The coach was defining “civilized behavior”, in this case on the ball field. He was telling these boys that they needed to learn enough emotional control that they could plan ahead, even in the middle of “playing ball”. So where was the engagement? He kept the boys engaged, because he was the coach. He determined who played and who didn’t. More importantly, he engaged them with the power of his relationship with them. Mitch may not openly admit it, but he was deeply affected by his coach’s disappointment. That, more than the threat of not playing, would lead Mitch to engage in the process of learning greater self-control. The next time he was barreling down on home plate, perhaps he would hear the coach’s voice in his head, not just his ears: “SLIDE”. Emotional competence and internal discipline were challenging areas for Mitch, but Coach Carson and baseball provided him a good place to grow developmentally.
As you may recall, things were going from bad to worse for Mitch. He may have been a gifted athlete as a child, but by the time he was an adolescent, the only way he stood out was via his latest blow-up. He got kicked off the football team for being a bad influence, the recreational basketball team for fighting, and the baseball team for smoking weed. Thank goodness he now has Coach Carson to help reverse that downward spiral.
As you may have guessed already, Coach Carson is Mr. Growth Mindset. He assumes that growth can occur within anyone starting at any point in his or her lives. He does not believe the fixed mindset notion that “you’re just born with it”, as in the ability to play baseball, play the piano, or write poetry. Talent, in his mind, is developed, not inherited.
The coach uses limits and consequences to promote growth
Coach Carson has firm limits about drugs and alcohol. However, he uses consequences to foster growth rather than to punish. In this vignette he is helping Mitch develop internal discipline, emotional regulation, and genuine self-esteem.
“Mitch, are you high?” asked the coach.
“What are you talking about? I’m not high,” Mitch responded.
“Here’s a cup. Fill it.”
“What do you mean?”
“You know what I mean.”
“Okay. You’re right. But it’s not enough to hurt my playing,” Mitch pleaded.
“Zero weed. Zero alcohol. You know the rules,” the coach reminded him.
“Are you going to kick me off the team?”
“No. You can still practice with us, but you can’t play in a game until your piss test comes back negative.”
“But that could take thirty days, Coach.”
“I’ll still be here. I hope you will too.”
Rather than learning to tolerate strong emotions and stay engaged with challenges, Mitch had gravitated to using marijuana as a means of soothing intolerable feelings, or simply avoiding what he did not want to face. Coach Carson did not tolerate drugs and alcohol. But he also recognized that Mitch was a long way from being a strong, self-reliant young man who could manage his emotions internally. His limits and consequences were clear and easily understood. Yet they did not assume a fixed mindset attitude of “drunks and potheads don’t play on this team”. Instead, he took a growth mindset approach of, “if you want to play in the games, learn to control your behavior”. He expected that growth could occur and conveyed the message that he believed it would eventually occur. Essentially, Mitch was on probation until he got himself drug free. In this arrangement, the coach recognized that Mitch was not developmentally ready to self-regulate, so he backed him up to a point where he could work on that self-regulation (with the support of the coach and the team to remind him daily what he was striving for). If Coach Carson had kicked him off the team, as other coaches likely would have done, then Mitch would be left to feel angry and blame others for his problems, but produce little internal growth on his own. As structured, he had a significant consequence, yet a great deal of support and incentive for making progress. In other words, the coach kept Mitch engaged in a process of necessary growth, rather than employing a “one-and-done” punishment that doesn’t make A MESS. Coach Carson knew that Mitch had a great deal of mastery work to do with the twin goals of emotional regulation and internal discipline and indirectly with developing genuine self-esteem.
Ultimately, Coach Carson wants Mitch to Make A MESS of himself. In this next vignette we see how he transfers the process of assessment and goal setting to Mitch. As you will see, this is exactly how the Zone of Proximal Development (ZPD) process works. Mastery in the ZPD model is when the child can do something independently and is ready to readjust expectations upward, with new scaffolding and support until that next set of skills is mastered. Scaffolding and support are often necessary to launching the engagement of MESS making. Notice how ZPD is part of making A MESS in the following vignette between Coach Carson and Mitch. In this case, the ZPD process is most noticeable in the structure the coach provides Mitch.
Teaching Mitch to make A MESS of himself
Not only does Coach Carson utilize the Make A MESS process in this vignette with Mitch, he also helps Mitch learn to Make A MESS of himself: by learning to do a good assessment (of others and himself), setting (mastery) goals for himself as a result of that assessment, and tolerating (self-soothing) sustained engagement with the frustrating process so that he can grow as a ballplayer.
“Am I in trouble, Coach,” asked Mitch as he entered Coach Carson’s office.
“No, not at all, Mitch. Come on in and sit down. I’ve got something I want you to do.”
“What’s that,” Mitch asked, knowing his coach always had an agenda.
“I have a video of the inning you pitched on Saturday.”
“It wasn’t a full inning, Coach,” recalled Mitch with some embarrassment. “You took me out, remember?”
“Indeed I do. Do you know why I took you out,” his coach asked.
“ ‘cuz I hit the kid with a pitch?”
“Do I always take a pitcher out when he hits a batter?”
“Only me.”
“I want you to sit here and watch this video of the inning. While you watch, I want you to write down all the things you think you need to work on as a pitcher, based on what you see,” explained Coach Carson, handing him a legal pad and pen.
“Don’t I need to get out to practice?” Mitch bargained.
“This is part of your practice, Mitch. Let me know when you are done.”
“Baseball with homework?”
“Sorry?”
“Nothing Coach. I’m on it.”
Twenty minutes later, Mitch found Coach Carson and presented his list.
“So what did you come up with? Read me your list,” Coach Carson asked.
“Don’t hit batters. Don’t walk so many batters. Don’t get so mad,” Mitch said quickly.
“That’s a good start. Those are important goals. Now let’s sit down and watch the video together.”
“This is the first batter you faced, Mitch. What can you tell me about this guy,” asked Coach Carson.
“What do you mean, Coach?”
“What kind of batter is he? Does he like fastballs? Is he eager or patient? Does he swing at balls outside the strike zone? What parts of the strike zone are strengths and weaknesses? Can he hit the change up? How about the curve?”
“I don’t know anything about this guy, Coach. I got him out didn’t I,” argued Mitch, defensively.
“Did you get him out or did he get himself out?”
“What do you mean,” asked Mitch, caught off guard by the coach’s question.
“This kid never met a pitch he didn’t like. He swings at everything. He also tries to pull everything to left field,” explained the coach.
“No kidding. He ripped that inside fastball way deep, but foul. He hit another one that almost took the third base coach’s head off. But he struck out,” recalled Mitch.
“What (pitch) did he strike out on?”
“A high hard one,” Mitch recalled proudly.
“Is that what you intended to throw?” asked the coach, pointing to where the catcher had set up his target.
“Well, no. But I got him out.”
“What did you learn from watching that guy bat?” the coach continued.
“He likes inside fastballs. He swings at everything he can reach. He doesn’t do well with high pitches.”
“Good. Write down his number and each of those comments. Now, next time you face him, what are you going to do?”
“Just what I did this time. It worked pretty good.”
“It worked well? Really? Those two foul balls he hit were crushed. The first could easily been a home run to left and the second could have been a double into the left field corner.”
“Wow, Coach. You sure know how to ruin a good strike out.”
“It wasn’t a good strike out Mitch. Except you learned something about him,” the coach clarified.
“I guess so.”
“What else did you learn?”
“You tell me,” answered Mitch, a little frustrated with a process that felt more like school than sport.
“I can tell you what I learned and what I would like to know for the future. You were throwing really hard that day and the kid still ripped those two balls. So, it is not how hard you throw, but where you throw that matters with him.”
“High and hard?”
“How about slow and away? Next time, I would throw him a change up, outside and see whether he can adjust. Mathews threw him one on the outside corner at the knees, later in the game. Do you remember what happened?”
“No, what?”
“Ask Mathews. I’ll bet he remembers. What are you figuring out so far?”
“You want me to get to know these hitters, even when I am not pitching.”
“For that, Mitch, you get a gold star.”
“Really?”
Coach Carson rolled his eyes and said, “Let’s watch the next batter. So what do you think of this batter, compared to the last one,” asked the coach.
“Look at that, he let the easiest pitch I threw all day go by and he didn’t even swing,” Mitch observed, still not believing what he was seeing.
“Yeah, but he got to first base on a walk,” Coach Carson reminded him.
“I can tell he wanted to swing (at that last pitch) on ball four.”
“Yeah. Looks like it. What did you learn from watching that at bat?”
“Not much. He didn’t do anything.”
“Really. I learned that he is a very patient hitter. He’ll even take a strike if it gets him closer to getting a walk. He probably knows you give up a lot of walks.”
“So I learned that if I don’t throw strikes, this guy wouldn’t swing? He is the opposite of that last guy. He would swing at anything.”
“My guess is this guy may not swing until he really has to,” suggested the coach.
“So if I throw him a strike on the first pitch, he might just take it?”
“I can’t say for sure, but that’s a good guess. It’s worth a try. Let’s see what happened next.”
“You know what happened, Coach. I walked two more guys and then hit a batter. Then you came out to the mound and took me out.”
“Do you remember what you were thinking and feeling during those last three at bats,” asked Coach Carson.
“That (first) one went to a full count. He fouled off a couple of strikes and then I just missed with ball four,” recalls Mitch.
“Do you remember what the guy liked to swing at?”
“Looks like he swung at some balls that were close but not really strikes when the count was full,” recognized Mitch.
“Good observation,” exclaims Coach Carson, patting him on the back. “So what would you do next time?”
“Probably throw him some “almost” strikes.”
“Can you do that,” wondered Coach Carson, well aware of Mitch’s control problems.
“If I slow it down a little, I have better control.”
“Oooh. Now you’re thinking like a pitcher,” the coach chuckled.
“Are you mocking me, Coach?”
“No, I’m just putting an exclamation mark after something that was a good observation. What happened with the next two batters,” asked the coach.
“I walked another and then hit that guy.”
“Tell me about the walk.”
“I remember after getting a quick 2-0 count I started worrying about my delivery and I think I started aiming the ball.”
“You mean kind of trying to tell yourself how to throw the ball?”
“Yeah. I know I tend to throw too hard and get wild, but when I try to be careful I screw up too,” explained Mitch, a little exasperated.
“So you’ve got some things to work on,” responded the coach, rather matter-of-factly.
“What’s that?” Mitch asked, still thinking about getting wild and then unraveling.
“You just defined two big goals to work on. Think.”
“Not aiming and no worrying,” said Mitch, simply.
“That’s a good start. Recognizing when you are starting to do either. Recognizing if they go together, like worrying leads to aiming. And what seems to help when you find yourself doing those things.”
“You make it sound easy Coach.”
“No, it isn’t easy. But you have to define the problem before you can attack it,” explained the coach. “What about the guy you hit,” the coach continued.
“I was frustrated and then the kid pissed me off. He just stood up there with his bat on his shoulder.”
“Why did that make you mad,” the coach asked.
He was basically saying, “You suck so bad as a pitcher, I don’t even have to swing the bat (to get on base).”
“So you hit him?”
“Not intentionally. I just wanted to brush him back a little.”
“And?”
“Guess my control wasn’t good enough to do that either,” responded Mitch, sheepishly.
“So you’ve got work to do on your control and not letting your emotions affect your pitching?”
“Yep.”
“Now do you know why I took you out?”
“Yep.”
“Do you know what you need to work on this week in practice?”
“Yep.”
“What’s that?” ….
What do you think? Is Coach Carson making A MESS of Mitch as a ballplayer? More importantly he is helping Mitch to learn to make A MESS of himself? Coach Carson is well aware that Mitch can be impulsive, acting without thinking first. In this vignette, the coach is applying the ZPD approach. He is aware of what Mitch can and cannot handle on his own and is creating a structure for Mitch to engage in learning. The coach is helping Mitch with self-assessment of his behavior, decision-making and its consequences. He is also offering an alternative to it. Learning to analyze before he acts is a good goal in general for Mitch. Staying engaged long enough to do justice to analysis is also a goal. And finally, understanding how his emotions affect his behavior. This kind of structure for engaging Mitch is exactly what making A MESS is all about and beautifully incorporates the ZPD determination of goals and needed support.
In this case, the coach asked him to go back and look at what he did for the inning he pitched. He provided Mitch the opportunity to review and reflect. He also got a picture of how Mitch approached such a process, not unlike how he approached his schoolwork. As expected, Mitch met the requirement, but did not stay engaged with the process for very long.
Two important aspects of “A” in A MESS involve knowing the kid and his capabilities and doing a good assessment of where he stands developmentally. (Coach Carson is working on two levels. He is applying the A MESS process to Mitch and he is helping Mitch learn to apply it himself.) In this case, the coach helped Mitch understand the strengths and weakness of his opponents and himself. Not only did Mitch need to learn to throw a ball with more control, he needed to learn to stop and analyze before he threw the ball. He needed to understand what the batter was capable of doing and likely to do, plus he needed to know what he could do given his capabilities. That’s a lot more sophistication than Mitch was giving to the role of pitching. In his mind, it was a matter of going out there and throwing as hard as he could, every pitch.
Coach Carson was not surprised at how little time Mitch devoted to watching the video. He knew that Mitch would not spend much time on an inning he viewed as a “failure” and source of humiliation. Because of that wish to avoid frustration and humiliation, Mitch failed to stay engaged long enough to do a more careful analysis. Anyone who plays a sport or a musical instrument knows how essential that analysis is. (Whether it is guitar or pitching, stage or mound, and songs or batters, the need to analyze mistakes and make changes is the same.)
Coach Carson’s questions and expectations for more than just superficial answers promoted Mitch’s sustained engagement. He helped Mitch make some valuable connections between how he was feeling and why and what consequences came of those feelings. Did you notice the IEBR analysis taking place when the coach asked Mitch about how he was feeling when he faced the last two batters? They made the observation that Mitch’s frustration and anger affected his decision-making and pitching, especially when Mitch’s (fragile) self-esteem was poked at by the opposing players or umpire.
Even though it is only baseball, there are important competencies here for Mitch to learn. On a simple level, the coach is asking Mitch to analyze others and predict how they might behave. That is not something Mitch has done well anywhere in his life previously. Coach Carson created a process of engagement, complete with scaffolding, ala ZPD, in the form of sitting with Mitch and asking him to think about what was going on with the batters and what was going on with him at the same time. His expectations and questions held Mitch to the task – of engagement. With the coach’s involvement, Mitch did not impulsively exit the engagement, as he normally would, to avoid his discomfort. Do you think completion of this process will yield insights for Mitch about his opponents and himself that are rewarding enough that he will likely want to engage in the process again in the future and not necessarily with the coach at his side? If that is the case, Mitch will be well on his way to making A MESS of himself as a ballplayer. Let’s be realistic. This is Mitch. It will take a sustained effort on Coach Carson’s part to make a dent in this narrow area of Mitch’s life. But it is an area Mitch is passionate about so it is a good place to start.
Mitch has not only been impulsive in his behavior, but in his assignment of blame or creation of excuses as well. This is not just a byproduct of ADHD. It is a defense against intolerable feelings of frustration and humiliation if he does not meet expectations. If winning and dominating are so important to how Mitch feels about himself, just think how losing must feel. Coach Carson would like for Mitch to spend time analyzing his mistakes and setting goals to master. But in the near term, he will likely need to create the holding space (engagement) for that process to take place, just as he has done in this example. Right now, the analysis resides in the coach and is initiated by the coach’s Socratic questioning. Ultimately, his goal is for his voice and that kind of questioning to reside in Mitch, independent of his presence.
The central characteristic of ADHD, impulsive type, is the inability to delay gratification. Coach Carson does not deny that such a diagnosis exists and that some kids are more inclined to be impulsive than others, but he also assumes that kids, like Mitch, can learn to increasingly control their impulsivity. Filtering out distractions and staying focused on a goal are essential to sustaining engagement when making A MESS. When the engagement requires the child to tolerate failure and frustration, or waiting on something enjoyable, soothing oneself becomes a core component of successful engagement. (Link to delay of gratification piece.)
Delay of gratification was never Mitch’s strong suit. Mitch invariably acted impulsively to escape intolerable feelings, through avoidance, bluster, or threats. Eventually, the escape came through use of marijuana. Mitch impulsively reached for these defenses because he had never developed more effective internal ones.
Mitch Is Ready to Listen to Coach Carson
In this vignette, Coach Carson zeroed in on the developmental competencies of engagement, communication, internal discipline, and logical thinking. Freed of the fog of marijuana, Mitch began to feel some ambition, sought a return to baseball, and was ready to listen to Coach Carson’s guidance.
As a precondition for returning to the regular high school, Mitch had to submit to regular drug testing and be marijuana free. He also had to be caught up in math. To everyone’s surprise and Molly’s relief, Mitch was able to stop smoking and worked hard with a tutor. But changing his behavior didn’t change his reputation. His attempts to play summer baseball ended in frustration because the coach treated him like he was still the old Mitch.
Coach Carson, was aware of the kernel of ambition Mitch still possessed for turning his life around? Fortunately for Mitch, Coach Carson recognized that kernel and nurtured it. Although it was just within the world of baseball, for Mitch, this was the place to begin. Coach Carson knew baseball was a sport at which he used to excel and was a source of esteem. He guessed correctly that Mitch regretted not playing for the high school team his junior year and longed to be back playing again. After tapping into that longing (and old passion) Coach Carson helped Mitch figure out what he needed to accomplish to get his baseball life back on track. In other words, he set about helping Mitch make A MESS of his baseball career.
One simple but difficult change Mitch needed to make was learning to delay gratification as he struggled to master necessary skills. In Mitch’s case, delay of gratification often meant giving up the impulsive actions that allowed him to escape bad feelings. Coach Carson was aware of how difficult that would be for Mitch, so he provided sufficient structure. Let’s listen in on how Coach Carson made A MESS of Mitch’s baseball life:
“So you want to play for the high school team next spring?” asked Coach Carson.
“Yeah. I do. I (really) miss it,” Mitch said.
“So what do you think will prevent that from happening?”
“Another coach like this summer, who has his mind already made up about me. The high school coach and the summer Legion coach are tight. They’ll talk about me. That summer coach wrote me off as a pothead before we even got started.”
“What can you do about that?” asked Coach Carson.
“I don’t know. Ask my mom if I can transfer to another school, I guess.”
“When is the last time you smoked?”
“I quit last spring. After I watched that game and started wishing I was out there playing, I just quit. I had to quit to get back into school, but baseball was the main reason.”
“Wow. That’s remarkable. Not many people can do that all by themselves.”
“Ha. My mom helped. She threatened to send me to work on my dad’s ship.”
“Whatever it took. I’m proud of you for getting that turned around.”
“Yeah, well, a lot of good it did me,” sighed Mitch.
“How do you feel since you quit?”
“Well, I can think more clearly. That’s for sure. And I’m interested in stuff I forgot I used to like. But it has been pretty strange with my friends. They are still my friends, I guess, but since I’m not getting high, it isn’t as much fun to hang out with them. The stuff we did together was only funny when we were all high together. But I miss hanging out with them. They are a nicer bunch of guys than most of those tobacco chewing, beer drinking, @#$%^&*’s I rode the bus with all summer.”
“What else would keep you off the high school baseball team next spring?” asked Coach Carson.
“I don’t know? I haven’t played in a live game for more than a year. Unless you count my little disaster in right field?”
“So you are not as sharp as you would like to be?”
“Yeah. After I screwed up the fly ball in right field I got to bat in that game, for the first time all summer. I had two strikes on me before I knew what happened. Then I flew out to right field. I never hit to right. My timing was way off,” recalled Mitch.
“So, you need to get your timing back?”
“My timing. My strength. My wind. I’m really out of shape,” admitted Mitch.
“Sounds like you have a lot to get done before spring,” observed Coach Carson.
“I can do all that hard work and then sit on the bench again. In fact, on the high school team, I would probably get cut. I don’t know if I want to go there.”
“If you are in good shape, are you good enough to play for the team?”
“Yeah. I grew up playing with all those guys. I know I am,” asserted Mitch.
“So what do you want to do about it?” asked his old coach.
“I guess I need someone to convince the coach to give me a shot.”
“Why don’t you go convince him yourself?” said Coach.
“How do I do that?”
“Ask to meet with him and then ask him what it would take to make the team.”
“What do you mean?” Mitch seemed confused.
“I mean, sit down with him and ask him to list all the things you would need to accomplish for you to be on the team.”
“What if he says, it just isn’t going to happen.”
“Then you ask him why. And when he tells you, you tell him how you are going to take care of each of those points.”
“What if he tells me that I’m just a pothead, like the summer coach thought?” Mitch complained.
“Then you tell him you will go along with any random drug testing plan he suggests. Then you tell him you will give him a sample right there, that day.”
“Cool. I can piss my way back on the team,” Mitch chuckled.
“What else are you afraid he will say?”
“He’s going to say, he already has a catcher,” Mitch said, the good humor had quickly vanished.
“And what can you say?”
“Well I can’t say, ‘I’ve always been better than that SOB. He can’t hit, he’s slow, and he can’t call a decent game.’ ”
“So what can you do to convince the coach to give you a shot at catching?”
“I’ll tell him I will show up in the spring, faster and stronger than Rundi. I’ll offer to go head-to-head with him batting, throwing, whatever.”
“You can also work on your fielding so that you can compete for a position at third or second base, too.”
“And once he sees how much better I hit, he will want to keep me in the line-up.”
“Something like that. Ask the coach what he expects from you, and deliver it, with interest.”
“You make it sound so easy,” Mitch said, not quite sure he could believe his coach’s advice.
“It isn’t easy at all. But what this involves is you setting goals for yourself and meeting them. If the coach is in on it from the start, he’ll see what you have accomplished. Let your actions speak for you. People may have their prejudices, but when they see the proof, they often change their minds.”
“You sound very sure of yourself.”
“What have you got to lose?” Coach asked.
“I do all this work and he still doesn’t let me play,” said Mitch.
“So you get into great shape, become stronger, faster, quicker, and it is all a waste?”
“There’s always fast pitch softball.”
“Being in great shape never hurt anyone.”
“Ah, what the hell.”
“I take that as a guarded vote for moving ahead?” chuckled his old coach.
“Yeah, I guess.”
“After you meet with the high school coach, come see me. We’ll sit down and plan a workout plan for you to follow. And maybe you’ll have a list of goals you need to accomplish.”
“Thanks Coach. I wish I’d come talk to you earlier.”
“Never to late to start.”
“I hope the high school coach agrees.”
“If you work hard, Mitch, you’ll get where you need to go.”
“See ya.”
Even in the ashes of a seemingly lost adolescence, there remain glowing embers that can spark a better future. Coach Carson had challenged him to go watch the remaining high school baseball games at the end of his junior year, knowing full well that it would stir up some ambition [or the Magic Formula of (I can) x (I want)]. Mitch had some recognition that his daily marijuana use had dulled his ambition. He wasn’t yet convinced it made him “stupid”, which was his simple translation of Coach Carson’s explanation of the drug’s effect on concentration and memory. What ultimately helped Mitch with his decision to stop smoking was the fact that his school, as a condition for his return from suspension, imposed mandatory drug testing. The longer he was away from the marijuana, the more access he had to feelings of longing and ambition. To help stimulate some of that longing, Coach Carson bet him a deep dish Chicago style pizza he couldn’t sit through the last four home games at the high school. This convergence of hitting rock bottom at school, being forced to give up marijuana, and the relationship he still maintained with Coach Carson led him to the athletic tipping point described above.
There are opportunities throughout childhood and adolescence to alter the course of development. Fortunately for Mitch, he had some adults in his life who were all on the same page. In the dialogue above, his old coach recognized that to get from wish to reality would take significant and sustained engagement on Mitch’s part – something he had rarely done in his life.
To his credit, Mitch hung in there for most of the summer with the traveling American Legion baseball team. But unlike when he was younger, there was no assumption about his talent. In fact, there was the opposite fixed mindset in play – one of Mitch as an outsider, who did not take sports and school seriously, who had a history of smoking weed and dropping out of things. Therefore, waiting all summer for someone to give him an opportunity and treat him fairly proved to be hugely disappointing for him. Fairness and equal opportunity were not always the way things worked. On this team, familiarity and comfort seemed to take precedence. In listening to Mitch’s summer saga, his old coach recognized that if Mitch was going to get back into baseball, he not only had to improve as a ball player, he needed to improve significantly in several other areas of development.
The summer had proven that the process of judgment is not always fair, nor can he simply wait long enough for it to become so. In the dialogue above, Coach Carson encouraged Mitch to engage the high school coach, to put the central question of “What do I have to do to play on the team?” out in the open and address it. Regardless of the summer coach’s prejudices, Coach Carson recognized important areas of development Mitch needed to improve: relating to others, communicating, logical thinking and internal discipline.
Mitch had a history with Coach Carson, but the past success was largely attributable to the Coach’s understanding of Mitch and what he needed. He structured and sustained a process of engagement. With him, there was no, “one-and-done” approach when Mitch’s behavior violated conventional standards. Given their history together, Coach Carson’s encouraged active engagement on Mitch’s part. But now, Coach Carson was telling him that he needed to make the engagement happen. The success he had in the past with Coach Carson provided an important seed of hope that the process of engagement could work. In this example, Coach Carson was coaching him about how to initiate and sustain that engagement on his own. Sounds like ZPD at work, doesn’t it?
By example and through instruction, Coach Carson promoted Mitch’s ability to communicate. There was little in the story about the summer experience that showed an ability to communicate thoughts, feelings and needs effectively, except in the form of complaining about it after the fact. Mitch made a number of assumptions about the summer coach, but made no attempt to communicate with the coach about those assumptions. The coach could not read his mind. Nor could Mitch read the mind of the coach. Both likely had an abundance of opinions about what the other thought, but none of that was ever discussed. Coach Carson told Mitch how to avoid that frustrating experience with the high school coach. He told Mitch to communicate directly with the coach, as early as possible, so that both he and Mitch were clear about expectations and judgment. As an adolescent, Mitch protected his fragile self-esteem through avoidance and rationalization. That approach certainly did nothing for him during the summer stint on the bench. Coach Carson offered him a healthy alternative, but one that required a concerted effort to grow in important developmental areas.
The final area of developmental growth so nicely highlighted in this vignette was Coach Carson’s emphasis on logical thinking. He helped Mitch break down his goals into a logical process. “Ask the coach what you need to do to make this team” was his suggestion. He suggested asking the coach to list exactly what he needed to be able to do to play for him. Essentially, he told Mitch to create a “written” contract with the coach that both would be obliged to honor in the spring. This was a logical approach to Mitch’s problem that contrasted sharply with the approach he took in the summer. The summer process was one of hoping and waiting for some unknown external process to work out. This new approach involved making the process clear and internally controllable. If Mitch knew exactly what was expected, then it fell to him to accomplish those well-defined goals. In other words, he could then approach each goal logically and systematically. For instance, he needed to run two miles in under twelve minutes and he needed to be able to do fifty push-ups in two minutes. He had to make solid contact with 85-mph-fastballs thrown by a pitching machine with >60% consistency …
His mentor was coaching Mitch about how to create a process. Instead of one-time incidents that made or broke his summer or relationships, Coach Carson was helping him recognize that goals and relationships were the products of processes, which required sustained work and constant revision.
In essence, Coach Carson was trying to teach Mitch to Make A MESS of himself. He began with asking Mitch to assess his situation and what he needed to master to effect a change. Encouraging him to talk with the high school coach would help solidify exactly what he needed to master as a ball player. Coach Carson was also helping Mitch realize that his relationship with people, like this new coach, was something he could affect through active engagement. Mitch had foreclosed the process in the summer by sitting and hoping the coach would treat him fairly, but did nothing to find out what the coach thought of him or expected of him. Mitch had a history of avoiding interactions he assumed would go badly, but in the case of the summer coach, that avoidance probably contributed to his fears coming true. Coach Carson was teaching Mitch that growth is possible, but it requires constant engagement, whether it is practicing baseball skills or practicing the skills of relating and communicating. So where does self-soothing fit into this process? Mitch accessed some ambition, which will help sustain him when the going gets tough. Having his old coach provide him with an outline of what was possible and confidence that he could do it would also help him sustain engagement.
Promoting Engagement – with Responsible Roles and Purpose
Coach Carson had seen the benefits of giving people responsibility for each other when he was in the Marine Corps. He also recognized that kids need a sense of purpose. Mitch wasn’t doing a very good job of coming through for himself, but the coach thought he might step up if someone else was depending on him. During Mitch’s junior year, the coach asked him if he would help coach a Little League baseball team. Mitch blossomed in the role and pretty soon other parent/coaches were asking Mitch to help coach.
Now a senior in high school, Mitch has returned to ask Coach Carson for advice about how to handle an angry, noncompliant kid on a team he is helping to coach. Mitch is a completely different kid than the one we first met banging on his mother’s door, calling her a @#$%^. He’s turning into a fine young man, and the secret was giving him responsibility and purpose – and a man like Coach Carson in his life. Although they haven’t talked in a while, Mitch carries a big piece of Coach Carson around with him in his head and heart. And at critical times, he knows he’s welcome to drop in, without asking.
“Hey Coach. Got a minute,” asked Mitch.
“Sure. You’re lookin’ good,” observed Coach Carson.
“Thanks. I’ve been working out. Feels good,” explained Mitch.
“What brings you to see me,” asked the coach. “Not that I don’t enjoy our talks.”
“I’ve got a problem,” started Mitch. But not wanting to disappoint his old coach, he quickly clarified, “Not a problem with me, Coach.”
“So, what’s up?”
“You know I’m helping coach a Little League (baseball) team, right? So there’s this kid on the team; he won’t listen to anything I say. He gets into arguments with the umpires. Most of the kids on the team can’t stand him either,” Mitch explained, his exasperation apparent.
Coach Carson just grinned.
“What’s so funny,” asked Mitch.
Coach Carson elaborated, “Reminds me of a kid I once knew.”
“Really? Was I that bad? How did you put up with me?” asked Mitch, turning rather serious.
“Oh, I just reminded myself that not everything you said or did was always connected to your brain,” laughed the coach.
“What is that supposed to mean?” asked Mitch.
“You did a lot of things impulsively, especially when you were upset, instead of thinking first,” explained Coach Carson.
“You mean because of my ADHD,” asked Mitch.
“No, because you hadn’t learned to tolerate (the frustration of) failing,” the coach continued.
“Never did like losing,” recalled Mitch.
“It was more than that. You didn’t like feeling bad about yourself for any reason,” reminded the coach.
“Yeah. Like with math class. That’s what got me in trouble with that student teacher. She was going to make me look stupid (in front of the whole class),” recalled Mitch.
“What turned that around for you, Mitch?” asked his coach, already knowing the answer.
“When I started tutoring, I got real serious about keeping up in math. When I did that, math wasn’t so hard. Actually, teaching it to other kids made me learn it better,” recalled Mitch. “But this coaching thing. Something is different. Especially with this kid who won’t listen.”
“What got you to listen to me when you were on my team,” asked the coach.
“I don’t know if this is what you mean, but I remember two things you did that got my attention real good. The day I cussed out the umpire, threw my bat, and kicked my helmet, you told me to leave the game and go take a shower. Then you told me if I did it again, I would sit out a game. And another time, I skipped practice because I was feeling like the star of the team didn’t need to practice. And then the star of the team watched the next game from the bench while we lost,” recalled Mitch.
“You have a good memory. Anything in those events that can help you with this kid of yours,” asked the coach.
“Well I know this kid would just die if he couldn’t play ball, so I know how to get his attention. It just feels a little mean,” responds Mitch, recalling how embarrassed he was sitting out that game eight years ago.
“Why? Did I damage you for life by making you sit? As I recall, you never missed practice and never cursed an umpire after that,” recalled the coach.
“Never on your team at least,” laughed Mitch.
“You are not his buddy Mitch. You’re his coach. He needs to learn how fine young men behave. And he needs to know that listening is important for learning,” Coach Carson continued.
“Yeah. I have to keep reminding myself I’m a coach now,” pondered Mitch.
“You, better than anyone else, know what that kid is thinking,” explained Coach Carson.
“Or not thinking,” laughed Mitch. “Thanks Coach. I think I know how I’m going to handle this now.”
“Make sure you talk to Coach Davis first. You two need to be on the same page,” reminded Coach Carson.
“How did you know I was working with Coach Davis,” wondered Mitch.
“Oh, I have my spies keeping tabs on you,” Coach Carson gave a conspiratorial laugh.
“That’s comforting,” responded Mitch, sarcastically.
Giving Mitch responsibility for teaching and coaching others has proven to be a secret to motivating him. Mitch feels like he has a real purpose, helping others. It turned out to be a no brainer, converting his need to feel adequate and avoid humiliation that had degenerated from simple avoidance into acts of bullying and intimidating teachers. He was helping kids he might have bullied in the past, asking teachers for help so he can better tutor. And now he was even consulting his old coach on how to handle angry noncompliance. What a difference a little responsibility and purpose can make. Can you see how this opportunity to coach younger kids was a great use of the magic formula for motivation?
Investment = (I can) x (I want)
Mitch recognized that this was a role he could perform and wanted it. It was a healthy form of feeling important and competent, some of the same reasons for the bullying, but totally opposite in terms of moral integrity. The role was a responsibility that gave him a sense of purpose that he rarely got anywhere else in his life.
In the process of performing these roles, Mitch has worked on some other areas as well. He was communicating effectively with teachers and coaches, as well as his students. He was developing more internal discipline, knowing that others are depending on him for help. He always was capable of empathy, but now that he was not defensive all the time, we got to see it in action. His responsible roles also fostered a focus on moral integrity. He cared about these kids he is helping and he was offended when one of them was harmed or harmed others. We can easily hear the voice of Coach Carson playing in his head when we listen to him interact with the Little Leaguers. Finally, Mitch had healthier friends he was hanging out with now that he has reengaged with sports and school. The days of smoking weed and giggling all day were long gone. He had more important things he wanted to do with his time.
In the beginning, the attuned, charismatic adult holds the vision for what a child can become, even if the child is unable to recognize it. That vision is like a developing seed that needs nutrients, watering, and care. And from that nurturing develops an independent young adult who has taken in the best of that charismatic adult, having taken ownership of that vision, who enacts that potential and who has become a self-directed individual, perhaps capable of someday being a charismatic adult in someone else’s life. That certainly seems to be the new path that Mitch is now on, thanks to Coach Carson, Molly, and the rest of the therapeutic “gang”. Is this a happy ending for Mitch? It now has the potential for one.
Wrap Up
Wow, did you really think I would leave Mitch hanging? Will things get turned around for him? Maybe not immediately, but now, for once, he is self-directed, he has goals, and he has a sense of purpose. Providing him with responsible roles transformed the inadequacy-based behaviors of blaming and bullying into prosocial solutions such as coaching and tutoring. Plus, he has people in his life who are supporting the work he needs to do. Mitch may very well have turned the corner due to their better understanding of what he needs and how to put him in a position to make (large caps) A MESS of his life.