Raise Your Parenting AQ – Ch 4
Let’s Climb
Ambition is there. Sometimes it is just hard to find.
Make “A MESS” of your child. Attunement means there is recognition of goals and capabilities, the need for mastery, the importance of engagement to achieve mastery and the need to self-soothe to stay engaged.
“Don’t Shoot The Messenger” – Emotion has meaning.
“Too High To Climb”
“How high up do you think those kids are, Dad?”
“What does it say in the brochure you’ve got there?”
“Eighty feet! I would need a diaper to climb that.”
“Pardon me?”
“If I was eighty feet up in the air, I’m pretty sure I’d pee my pants.”
“Remind me to drive you to school instead of letting you take the bus. First you learn to swear in five different languages and then …”
“You got distracted Dad. Aren’t those kids scared up there?”
“Probably. I don’t know. I would be. But I think they enjoy it enough that they are willing to deal with being nervous.”
“As soon as I start thinking about climbing I start thinking about falling off the backstop,” says Tim, returning to what is really bothering him.
His dad asks, “Do you think any of those kids way up there learned to climb without falling?”
“No,” answers Tim, not taking his eyes off the climbers at the top of the wall.
“The first thing we need to do is to learn how belaying works, so you can fall safely.”
“Falling safely is an oxyneuron, Dad.”
“Where did you learn that word?”
“On the bus,” laughs Tim.
“Well, falling safely is not an oxymoron. It is a metaphor for life.”
“Metaform? I think thats one of the psycho-babble words Seth was trying to warn me about,” asks Tim.
“A metaphor is an example. In this case, the wall is an example of life. You can’t just climb stuff that is safe and easy. You need challenges to grow and get stronger,” explains Greg.
“Other kids don’t know whether you did safe and easy or hard and risky,” rationalizes Tim.
“You do. You can’t learn to climb by talking and you can’t master new skills on the wall without falling,” says Greg. “Falling is learning.”
“Falling. Who said anything about falling. Mom sent us here so I won’t fall again.” Tim argues. “Falling is learning? Did you just make that up, Dad?”
“Kind of catchy isn’t it? I’m sure I’m not the first person who said it, though,” laughs Greg.
“You do realize that only your family would put up with your lame one liners. Like, “don’t start what you can’t fin ”.
“Let’s get star ”.
The banter with his father is serving to distract Tim from how anxious he feels. “You really going to trust me to hold the rope (belay him) after that?”
“I would totally trust you,” Greg says, in earnest.
“I know I can trust you Dad,” chuckles Tim. “I heard what Mom told you. ‘Bring the boy home with all the parts working or don’t come home at all.’”
What comes out of Tim’s mouth never ceases to amaze his father. “You hear everything we say to each other?”
“When it’s about me, I do,” responds Tim.
Greg knows that if he can get Tim into settings that intrigue him, the need to avoid what he fears will be countered with the wish to engage and master. Tim sees the kids at the top of the wall and wants to be up there, but he is also scared of falling again. Greg is able to help him stay engaged by telling him how he will be able to keep himself safe. Greg is also reminding him that he cannot get to a goal without engaging and tolerating the struggles along the way. In this case, he directly attacks Tim’s fears of falling by talking about how the act of falling will be made manageable and safe. This is the beginning of a process of mastery, which requires engagement. For engagement to be sustained, Tim needs to learn how to soothe himself sufficiently to stay with the engagement. If he gets anxious while climbing, he needs to learn that the harness, rope and person belaying him can be trusted to protect him.
Unless a child feels safe, he cannot engage fully. Parents provide that safety initially and during development they help their children to find ways to provide it for themselves.
The little bit at the end here reminds us that kids listen and observe even when they are not directly involved. Tim also recognizes that his parents talk with each other and are on the same page when it comes to parenting. He knows that they back each other.
Greg is comfortable bantering with Tim, not worrying about maintaining the role of expert. He trusts that his demonstrated competence as a father, including being attuned to Tim, is the only thing essential. Even though Tim is approaching the age where peers begin to take on greater importance, he is able to feel comfortable talking openly with his parents without feeling judged. Greg, by virtue of being tuned into Tim, knows that if he gets Tim to the gym, his wish to climb and achieve will be rekindled.
Relatedness
Communication
Empathy
Logical Thinking
Emotional Regulation
“You’ll Get Over It”
What if this had been the way this scenario had played out?
“How high do you think those kids are Dad?”
“Four or five stories I would guess.”
“Do you think they are scared? I’m scared just looking at them.”
“There’s nothing to be scared of. They teach you how to climb safely.”
“If I was that high off the ground, Dad, I’d be wetting my pants for sure.”
“Excuse me? Is that how you talk around your friends?”
“Well actually Dad, I think with my friends and I have a better word for wetting my pants.”
“Remind me to drive you to school instead of letting you ride the bus.”
“Do you realize I learned to swear in five different languages on the bus?”
“Does your mother know that?”
“No and I hope she continues to not know.”
“Well, let’s get started with the climbing. I’ll go rent the harnesses.”
“I don’t know, Dad. This doesn’t look like something I want to do.”
“You won’t be scared after we get started.”
Instead of accepting Tim’s report that climbing would scare him, Greg tells him that the feeling is unjustified or unnecessary. He implies that if Tim learns how to climb, he will not feel scared. Greg misses the opportunity to acknowledge Tim’s feelings as natural. Feelings are merely a message to be understood. The training does not make fear or anxiety go away, but rather helps the boy learn to tolerate it. Greg has the best of intentions. He believes that if Tim learns to climb competently he won’t need to be afraid anymore. But Greg is unintentionally telling Tim that his fears are not legitimate and that he just needs to overcome them. Although Greg is probably right that Tim could learn to feel confident, by totally disregarding Tim’s feelings, he is devaluing the role of emotion and giving Tim the message to simply ignore feelings or reason them away. Greg is confident that Tim will do fine, but he is skipping an important step with Tim of helping him listen to and interpret his feelings. Instead, he is teaching him to ignore his feelings. Greg relies heavily on reason and problem solving in his life, finding ways to overcome difficulties. He is trying to show Tim that if he puts his head down, he will get through it. Greg probably assumes that if he conveys confidence and teaches him what he needs to know to climb safely, Tim will get over his fear (just as Greg did).
Greg has a real blind spot. He learned to disregard his own feelings from an early age and just “suck it up”. When he faces challenges, he knows he just has to attack the problem and eventually he gets it done. Overriding his own feelings, and at times not even being aware of them, has been the course Greg has learned and he does it without even consciously thinking about it. He has learned that reason and hard work serves him well and he truly believes that once Tim gets up on the wall and learns how to climb, he will no longer fear climbing. In this situation, he is taking a template that works for him and using it for his son. He does not realize that pushing his feelings out of awareness was something he had to do as a kid, not by choice, but by necessity. There was no one tuned into his feelings. If he went to his dad with his feelings, he would tell him to “be a man”. If he went to his Mom, she would probably be too overwhelmed. She had enough problems of her own. So Greg learned to handle things himself and the simplest solution was to just not acknowledge his feelings. He focused on reason and problem solving; assuming that whatever came along was something he should be able to manage. At this moment, he was imposing his childhood solution on his own child, with the best of intentions. Ann is totally fed up with Greg’s shut down style and it has led to arguments when Greg thinks Ann is overly emotional and Ann thinks she married a robot.
Feelings exist for a reason. They provide useful information about what to change. Learning to tolerate feelings while gaining competence is important, but the child must feel safe and not overwhelmed in the process.
“I Prefer Ice Cream To Anxiety”
Another possible route this could have taken:
Looking up at the wall, Tim’s eyes widen, but not out of excitement. “I don’t know Dad. This looks a lot scarier than I imagined,” he says, as he moves back a step.
Greg turns from the wall, in order to face Tim. “Want to think about it for awhile, before you make a decision?”
“Shouldn’t just jump into things,” echoes Tim.
“That’s right kiddo,” soothes Greg. “There’s no rush. We don’t have to do this right now.”
“Yeah,” sighs Tim, as the anxiety drains from his face and is replaced by …
“I’ve had ice cream on the brain all day. Let’s go relieve that itch of mine,” offers Greg.
“Ice cream on the brain would give you a headache, not something you would itch,” explains Tim, now back to his old self.
“Did I mix my metaphors?” jokes Greg.
“I don’t think itching your sweet tooth is a metaphor, Dad.”
“I tend to get irrational when ice cream is involved,” answers Greg, the humorous repartee having rescued both of them from the anxiety created by the looming wall.
Although not consciously aware of the visceral anxiety Tim is emoting, Greg is certainly responding to that anxiety in his son and possibly himself. Honoring Tim’s urgent and immediate need for relief seems sensitive, but doing it in this manner does not fit with a developmental understanding of Tim. Greg needs to remember that Tim is interested in climbing, but he has had a scary fall and too long to think about it. There are lots of opportunities and reasons for kids to avoid what appears to be threatening and Greg is allowing for the avoidance to take place. He is doing it in the name of sensitivity, but he is missing what Tim needs most – support and encouragement for reengaging with something he enjoys and is good at. Greg may share Tim’s fears about climbing. Whatever the case, Greg is failing to look past the immediate moment or the temporary feelings and include Tim’s history of loving to climb into the equation.
Greg is failing to help Tim stay engaged. Unlike the previous example, where that version of Greg is just pushing Tim up onto the wall, where the engagement is too overwhelming, this Greg is putting sensitivity and a wish for closeness ahead of what Tim needs to grapple with. Tim does not necessarily need to get up on the wall immediately, but he needs to stay in the gym so that he continues to work on his bind between his desire to climb and his need to feel safe. Greg needs to recognize that his attachment to Tim is not based solely on tuning into feelings and providing protection. Ultimately, Tim will come to value the fact that his father knew him well enough that he found a way to help him tolerate his anxiety and reengage with a sport he loves. Greg needs to balance the need for engagement with the risk of overwhelming Tim. There is no rush to get back up on the wall. He can be patient and help him find a safe way to do that. There was likely some safe climbing opportunity at the gym that they could have done together to prime the pump of enthusiasm for climbing. Climbing, but not being more than a few feet off the ground would have been a good compromise for Greg to suggest that promoted engagement, yet assured safety.
Greg missed out on having a father with whom he felt close. He was determined not to let that happen with his children. Being sensitive and remaining close are high priorities for Greg. He is very involved in his children’s lives and very tuned into how they are feeling. He’ll do anything for them. He’ll drop everything when they call. Unfortunately, this loving, well-meaning version of Greg is missing an important part of his role. He is not attuned to the developmental work his kids need to accomplish and his role in facilitating engagement when they are reluctant or avoidant, as in this case with Tim.
Growing up, Greg’s family emphasized self-reliance, but there was painful lack of sensitivity and empathy. In his effort to be a sensitive father, Greg is failing to realize that he can promote self-reliance, yet do it in a way that preserves a loving connection in the process.
It is possible to promote self-reliance, yet maintain closeness at the same time.
“Falling Is Learning”
Greg and Tim are learning to climb at the gym:
“Now that you know how to use the harness and belay, we need to teach you how to fall.”
“I thought you were here to teach me how to climb.”
“I am, but you won’t risk challenging climbs if you can’t tolerate falling. Besides, every time you fall, you learn something new.”
“You keep telling me that. I didn’t learn anything by falling and breaking my elbow.”
“I hope you did. We wouldn’t be here at the gym if you had not fallen.”
“We’re here because Mom said, “no harness, no climbing.”
“Yeah, you got the edited version of what Mom said. I hope you learned to climb where you can secure yourself safely, where you can get down safely, where you will be spotted, where your parents know where you are, what you are capable of handling, what …”
“Alright. You made your point. I learned a lot. I also learned to be scared of climbing. I wasn’t before.”
“Fear is not a bad thing. It is your body’s way of telling you there is something worth watching out for.”
“You mean staying away from?”
“No. It means, get ready to take care of yourself. You’re scared before you go up to bat, but you still do it.”
“No, I am anxious. Not scared. I know what I can do.”
“Nicely put. You are anxious because of whatever. Big game, good pitcher, whole world is depending on you. Whatever. But you still go up to bat.”
“But I’m not going to fall off the side of a mountain if I miss a curve ball.”
“The first time you struck out, you cried harder than you did when you broke your elbow.”
“I thought the coach was mad at me for climbing on the backstop.”
“You mean you could control your crying because you were worried about what your coach thought?”
“Why are we talking about this? I don’t like thinking about that.”
“Some day you will laugh about it.”
“Oh, really?”
“As I was saying … you still go after stuff you want, even though you are anxious. So you can learn to climb, even though it scares you.”
“Says, you?”
“If you learn to fall and trust that you will be okay, then taking risks won’t scare you so much.”
“So let’s start with you on the wall and me holding the rope,” proposes Tim.
“We can do that.”
“Seriously?”
“Sure. I trust you. Besides, without me there is no allowance, no Friday night pizza and movie, no math tutoring, no baseball coaching, no bedtime stories, no …”
“You made your point. I won’t let you fall. But if you keep insisting on bedtime stories, I may get distracted while spotting you.”
Greg knows that sometimes he cannot simply expect Tim to take things at his word. Just because he has explained something to Tim does not mean that he totally understands it, believes it or can trust it in practice. That is why Greg offers to go up on the wall first and let Tim belay him. By belaying his father, Tim recognizes how much control he has over the process and he sees that if he can manage his father’s fall safely, his father will certainly be able to manage his. A parent’s willingness to be open and sometimes disclosing can be a powerful means of allowing the child to do the same.
A parent does not have to worry about falling from the lofty perch of excellence in the child’s eyes. There are plenty of examples that lead to the dethroning once the child can put two and two together. The effective parent strives to be a useful source of knowledge and support (authoritative parenting) rather than a parent who must rely on power (authoritarian parenting). Instead of telling his boy to be a man and get up there on the wall, he used reason and example to let Tim know it was safe to reengage. He also let Tim know that there was no shame in falling. He quickly dispelled the idea that perfection is necessary and introduced the idea that falling (or mini failures) is a means of learning.
Kids need to know that it is safe to try, fail and try again. If they become focused on minimizing failure, they will quickly learn to maximize avoidance. At that point, learning and mastery cease.
Greg is giving Tim an important message. Emotions are a natural part of life. They deliver messages and need to be attended to and understood in terms of what creates them. Behind every emotion is some issue. Emotions give rise to behaviors and looking at and responding to behaviors without the complete picture, which includes issues and emotions, is often short sighted. Greg is telling Tim that it is okay to have feelings. In this case, he feels scared or anxious, which is normal. The goal is not to make the anxiety go away, the goal is to learn to tolerate it while staying engaged. Eventually mastery will lead to greater competence (more control) and less anxiety. He is delivering the message that anxiety does not need to be avoided, but tolerated via engagement and mastery. In this climbing setting, he is giving him the tools to be safe and feel competent.
Control via engagement and mastery is ultimately the means of managing anxiety. Ambition and satisfaction provide the motivation to tolerate anxiety.
Logical Thinking
Emotional Regulation
A MESS
Communication
“You Have Nothing To Worry About.”
What if the last interaction had been different?
“This harness will protect you when you fall, so there is no need to be afraid.”
“Easy for you to say.”
“See how those guys over there are belaying the guys on the wall? If anything goes wrong, they are there to catch them and let them down safely.”
“What if I get half way up the wall and start to panic?”
“You won’t. Just practice your technique and you won’t be scared.”
“You make it sound so easy.”
“Practice makes perfect. You’ll get it. You just have to learn to do it the right way.”
“Okay. If you say so.”
“Atta boy!”
Greg is trying to be encouraging, but he is overlooking the reasonable anxiety that goes along with climbing. Although he probably does not intend to do so, he is giving Tim the message that there is no reason to be afraid, and if he is afraid, there is something wrong with him. Greg is not setting up a safe relationship where Tim can admit being afraid and can learn from him that fear is a natural feeling that can be tolerated and handled effectively. If this continues, Tim is likely to hide his fears from his father and when necessary, just avoid things he does not think he can manage. Or, he may learn to disregard feelings such as fear. That is what Greg had to learn as a kid. Unfortunately, that has been replaced by an attitude of “Don’t let feelings stand in the way. Find a way to overcome them.” What has “worked” for Greg is now being expected of Tim. Greg is unaware of what a toll this approach has taken in his own life. He is rather detached emotionally and tries to deal with people in a totally rational way that often makes Ann frustrated with him in their relationship. He fails to acknowledge how she is feeling and it hurts, sometimes leading to big fights. She loves Greg and thinks of him as a good father, but she feels like she needs to carry the weight of tuning into emotions in the family. That gets to be quite a burden for her at times and she resents Greg for it. Their conflicts at these times spill over to their parenting. Greg thinks Ann is too soft on the kids and lets them get away with too much, while Ann thinks that Greg is too insensitive to his kids and expects too much of them given their ages. As a result, even the kids have started going to each parent for different needs. When something needs fixing, like a bicycle wheel, Dad is the guy. But when they are sad about something that happened with a friend, they go straight to Mom.
Anxiety can lead to a quest to get rid of the feeling through avoidance of the threatening activity or a masking of the emotion with medication, alcohol or drugs. Some people learn to deny its existence. The healthy response is to take anxiety as a message of the need for more control and to then gain that control in some effective manner, such as through greater competence.
Fear or anxiety means that something is threatening over which the child needs to gain control. The more control, the less anxiety.
___________________________