Whose issue is it?

“Whose issue is it?”

Truth or Dare. Have you ever overreacted to something your child did? No? Go ask your child. On second thought, go ask your spouse. Ready to change your answer? Well, then I dare you to read the rest of this article.

Ask yourself: Did my response to my child’s behavior seem out of proportion to what they did? Any idea why that happened? When I ask clients, I often hold one hand just above the other to indicate the degree of the child’s “misbehavior”. But then I extend one hand up above my head to capture the intensity of the parent’s response. Or, I just draw it like the diagram below:

I N T E N S I T Y O F Y O U R R E S P O N S E	The part of your response that is above and beyond what the behavior warranted. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
	The response warranted by the behavior

If your reaction, response, or level of punishment seems out of proportion to what your child did to evoke it, then the part that is ‘above and beyond’ is yours. Then, you need to go in search (via IEBR) for what issue of yours just got lit up. And then, ask yourself, is your emotional response preventing you from listening objectively?

Your Turn Fix yourself a cup of coffee or hot chocolate and go out on the deck. Put your feet up, relax, take a few sips and then close your eyes (after you read the following): Can you think of a time when you reacted quickly to behavior, only to later regret what you did or the intensity of what you did? Was there some emotion in you that got stirred up? Let yourself replay an incident where you responded to something your child did and you know that you were emotionally charged at the time. For instance, your son was climbing something and you had an instant flash of fear, or he hit his little brother and you were angry, or he was still chewing with his mouth open after you just reminded him two times in the last ten minutes. Did the intensity of how you felt affect the intensity with which you acted? Was it proportionate to the child’s action, or did your emotion give it a little extra “umph”? If so, then what do you think took you from the expected reaction to the added extra? It is usually in that space, between reaction and over reaction, that we know to go in search of some issue of our own that was involved. Will the process of honest self-examination go more easily if I start with an example of my own? Here’s one you will learn about in more detail later: Unable to contain my frustration after sitting for twenty minutes, I climbed up over the glass at the hockey rink to yell at the coach, “Put my kid in the game.” After the game, my embarrassed son told me he knew why he wasn’t playing, “Coach says I have to start hitting (checking) people if I want to play.” As it turned out, my response involved the wrong coach, the wrong kid and the wrong sport. The real issue was mine – I was assuming my son felt like I did when I sat on the bench all summer as a sixteen-year-old kid and didn’t get to play. Can you identify some issue of yours in your example of overreaction that got tweaked? Tweaked, as in pulling the scab off an old wound, tweaked? Having trouble thinking of one? Just recall the last time one of your kids took a swing at or bite out of a sibling. Are you there yet? Do you have any idea why your reaction was more intense than befit the “crime”? Take another sip, close your eyes and replay the incident in your mind. Now try doing a brief I-E-B-R. Give it a try. It’s cheaper than paying for therapy later.

Not only do you need to learn how to assess the origins of your children’s behavior, you will now be asked to look at your own. Ultimately, your example will help your children learn to analyze before acting in their own lives.

Analyzing your Own Issues

Attunement, and specifically the use of the I-E-B-R approach, is part of a dynamic parenting process. Attunement is a never-ending effort to understand, which brings with it a constant need to rethink how you are responding. When you have a disconnect between what you know your child needs from you and what you are doing, then you know it is time to submit your own behavior to this kind of analysis. Is there an issue or two adding a little extra fuel to some of the fires? That often is the case when our reaction to behavior is out of proportion to what happened – when the punishment does not fit the crime. And, if you continue to just do the B-R dance and skip the I-E part of the process, then you need to ask yourself, “why?” For instance, you may need to ask, “What issue is creating such urgency for me to act that I cannot stop to analyze first?”

Which Behavior have you displayed as a parent? Are you overly harsh? Overly controlling? Do you react unpredictably or emotionally? Do you indulge your child? Do you blame your child for your unhappiness? How does your child Respond when you behave that way? Consider the Emotion which drives you to behave in this way and the Issue from which it stems. Make it personal. What specific experiences in your background may be contributing to your behavior? Dig a little. Understanding the issues and emotions behind your tendencies is an important step in helping you to understand yourself – or your sister-in-law – as a parent. Need a little more prompting? Did you have a parent whose approach was, “It’s my way or the highway.” A father who was never satisfied? A mother who made everything about herself? How would your experiences as a child affect how you responded to your child?

Are you in a self-reflective mood yet? And you thought this was a book about understanding kids better? Let’s look at a common parental issue and analyze it.

How about ‘parental hovering’ – better known as trying to do too much for your child in terms of protection, direction, rescuing or monitoring. Sightings of Helicopter Parents and Tiger Moms are currently popular. Do you have one in your neighborhood or school?

Bring an example of a Helicopter Parent to mind and see if you can create an I-E-B-R for the hovering behavior.

Issue
Emotion
Behavior	Hovering – providing, directing, rescuing, monitoring, …
Response	Onlookers roll their eyes but good HP’s don’t care.

What did you come up with for the Emotion(s) and Issue(s) behind the hovering behavior? I imagine there are many possibilities. Whenever a parent is over-controlling, the first question I ask is, “What are you afraid of?” Control is usually in the service of preventing something that is feared. Some fears and needed controls are easy to understand. We hold our young child’s hand near a busy street. Some fears and controls are less clear. Helping a child write her college essay so she gets into “her” college of choice.

As onlookers, we may view the behavior as “hovering” because we may not share the Helicopter Parent’s perceived threat. Maybe we should stop and ask them what they fear? On second thought, that may not be wise.

Issue	Child is an extension of parent’s sense of self; child’s behavior is a reflection of competence as parent; dependence is a form of closeness (and proxy for love).
Emotion	Fear (of potential risks); parent’s anxiety feels intolerable (if not in control)
Behavior	Hovering – providing, directing, rescuing, monitoring, …
Response	Ask yourself if and when you “do too much” and why.

We want our kids to grow into self-directed and resilient individuals. How do we spot the times when we are interrupting this development by doing too much? That’s the $640,000 (inflation) question. The first indicator may be that our child is objecting. The second may be when our spouse objects to our intensity. When we do too much, we are usually acting without consciously thinking. If we took the time to consider who was more at risk, the child or us, we might find a way to contain our urge to act.

Sometimes, when we pause long enough before acting, the feeling driving the urge becomes available. Then we potentially have access to what issue seems to be driving the feeling. Or we can just wait for good feedback.