The Self vs. Relatedness Bind
Forming a secure sense of self and having satisfying relationships are the two main goals of healthy development. For children who arrive at adolescence unprepared, the goals of self and relatedness are at odds with each other, where one needs to be relinquished to achieve the other. Instead of synergy between these two goals, there is tension – a Bind. The bind between self and relatedness can be seen everywhere in a teen’s world. Fit in or be myself? Study hard and be rejected as a nerd? Stand up to a bully and get my butt kicked in front of everyone? I’m successful, popular and hate my life?
D.J. and Sophie showed us that some kids are so developmentally compromised they totally give up on one goal in order to desperately hold on to what they can of the other. Sophie relinquished all sense of dignity and self-respect in her desperate attempts to please and stay anxiously attached to her boyfriend and the kids she called her ‘friends’. D.J. renounced any need for relationships in order to preserve his sense of self, risking loneliness, alienation, anger, and eventually serious depression.
Healthy adults do justice to both self and relatedness. They form relationships where there is mutual respect for others’ interests and talents and they support each other in the pursuit of important goals. In healthy adults these two parts of their lives not only live in harmony but also enhance each other. The drives for mastery and connection are wired in from birth. However, when development in these two areas lags, attempts to fulfill them become desperate rather than healthy. At times it can feel like you cannot have both and must choose one over the other – like our struggling teens.
Reaching adolescence without this self and relatedness developmental work well underway not only leads to dysfunctional attempts to meet these goals, it also sets up a bind between them, where kids often feel they must choose between one or the other. That was certainly the case with D.J. and Sophie.
In its simplest form, the self vs. relatedness bind affects us all. Most of you have experienced it as the old Career vs. Family bind that you struggled with as you entered parenthood. Do you put your career on hold or hire more childcare or try to balance everything? And within your marriage, who has not had the squabble over who is doing their fair share of childcare and household chores, despite having a “real job”?
In its raw and dysfunctional form, the bind leaves some adults emotionally crippled. Can you imagine where Sophie is headed as an adult? Staying in an abusive relationship; threatening suicide when her partner wants to leave; and/or repeatedly giving birth to children she hopes will truly love her? And how about D.J.? He could easily live out his life, angry, lonely, hidden away in his apartment, addicted to porn, unable to trust anyone, unless someone goes into his cave and pulls him out, kicking and screaming.
The Self vs. Relatedness Bind can stress marriages when couples fail to plan for and negotiate around the birth of children and/or increased work demands. And those who opt for the Easy Button instead of doing the hard work, can leave others hurt as a result. Who doesn’t know a friend who gave up a career to put her spouse through medical school and raise the kids, only to be left for a newer model? How many of us look back with regret about challenges not taken or relationships ignored? Failure to successfully handle the self vs. relatedness bind is central to much of what causes us to suffer as adults. Just ask Harry:
… When you comin’ home, Dad
I don’t know when, but we’ll get together then
You know we’ll have a good time then …
“Cat’s in the Cradle” by Harry Chapin
Desperate attempts to secure control in one domain at the expense of the other can reach extremes, as evidenced by personality disordered outcomes in adulthood. The central core issue for a borderline personality is fear of abandonment. In the course of managing that fear, little is left for developing a secure sense of self. As you can see, we are worried that Sophie seems headed in that direction.
At the other end of the self vs. relatedness bind is the development of a narcissistic personality when desperation to protect a fragile sense of self comes at the expense of healthy relatedness. This personality is characterized by a sense of entitlement where special favors and constant admiration are expected and criticism is met with a strong reaction, while consideration of the needs of others or empathizing with their concerns is lacking.
Healthy adulthood is a synergy between self and relatedness. A secure self makes for a good partner and a good relationship honors and supports individual growth. In healthy adulthood, we find interests and abilities that we develop, which yield enjoyment and satisfaction. At the same time, we form friendships and intimate relationships with others who respect each other’s beliefs and interests, and take joy in each other’s accomplishments. In other words, we develop a healthy Self as well as form satisfying Relationships.