Samantha – Starting Over

Attunement to the MESS being made?

Sam was a real mess when we first found her at that the water’s edge in Florida at the end of high school. What if Sam got a “re-do” on childhood? What if her parents, in this re-do of childhood, were mindful of what is involved in making A MESS? The adolescent version of Sam was trying to be perfect. And by perfect, she was trying to be exactly what others needed her to be. (Perfectionism in the service of being valued and not disappointing.) She looked great on paper. Her perfectionism got her into Stanford, didn’t it? But by now we know that if Sam heads off to Stanford, without making some serious changes, she is headed for another train wreck. These train wrecks can occur in college, midway through law school, or at midlife when a person wakes up to the reality that they are living a False-Self existence. So what pieces of development were missing and how can we do it right this time to prevent that from happening with Sam?

What Does Assessment Show?

Sam was dealing with a Self vs. Relatedness Bind, just like the other kids, but she was not aware of it like D.J., Neal, and Sophie were. Sam was simply doing things ‘right’. She was not consciously aware that her ability to anticipate the needs or expectations of others and come through for them ‘perfectly’ helped her avoid relationship disappointments. She was also unaware that her genuine self that was being sacrificed in the process.

Consequently, our assessment of Sam, the adolescent, reveals a number of developmental pieces missing. Instead of a genuine self-esteem (GSE), Sam’s self-esteem was built upon accomplishments and praise, externally constructed and derived. The next time around, it will be important for it to be an internal process such that Sam becomes competent in areas where she is genuinely curious and passionate.

In these childhood vignettes, Sam will find her own voice, not just respond to the voice of others. As an adolescent, she was a good yearbook editor, drum major and student counsel leader, but the upcoming version of Sam will find that she is really passionate about writing – especially poetry. She will give voice to her feelings, not only in her poetry, but also in her relationships. The newer version of Sam, with a genuine self-esteem, will expect understanding, empathy, and respect from others and she will give it in return. And those friends who take but don’t give (like that lame boyfriend from Part 1) will not clutter her life.

Becoming a good communicator (COM) will be emphasized in here. Sam’s mother, Suzanne, believe it or not, will help her discover her voice as a poet and future author, while Vic, her father, will help develop her ability to argue and debate. Although it starts with standing up to her sister, the greater long term benefits will show in her ability to assert herself with important others in her life.

As we know, Sam is quite sensitive to the expectations of others, and now she will learn, with the help of her mother, that sometimes she needs to carve out private space to explore feelings before trying to express them or respond to them in relationships. Her poetry will be the focus of a number of vignettes because it will also highlight the creativity and vision (C/V) she develops, as well as her emotional self-awareness (EC).

So our assessment of Sam yields a need to focus on developing a genuine sense of self (esteem), an awareness of who she is and what is really important to her, and the ability to give voice to these thoughts and feelings. Consequently, our vignettes for Sam will focus on the developmental competencies of genuine self-esteem (GSE), emotional competence (EC), communication (COM), and creativity (C/V). By doing so, we will see the emergence of a girl who no longer needs to be perfect to avoid disappointing others and who can be herself. In other words, she will not be another victim of the S v R Bind.

What does Sam need to master?

Sam needs to learn to look inward, not just be attuned to others. In the vignettes that follow, you will see how this 2.0 version of her mother notices when Sam lets go of her own thoughts and needs when she attends to the needs of others. Her father also notes when Sam backs down in the face of anger or confrontation. Each of them, in their own ways, help Sam find her genuine feelings and a means of expressing them, whether it is through writing or arguing. With their encouragement and expectations, Sam becomes more masterful at writing and arguing. She also recognizes that she can listen to how she is feeling and put those messages to good use, such as fixing things that bother her or expressing thoughts that excite her.

What is the role of engagement?

Her parents make use of engagement in a number of ways that help Sam gain mastery. Her father blocks her attempt to avoid confrontation with her sister and calls upon her to stay engaged in arguing about important issues. Eventually Sam comes to assert herself, even with her father. By having her remain engaged over the course of a month with a debate topic, Sam comes to appreciate the depth she can achieve with her research and reasoning, as well as the talent she can develop in arguing something she has researched. Her mother, on the other hand, gives her opportunities for engagement she might otherwise have passed up because she was attending to others’ needs. She helps Sam begin writing and offers support, encouragement and privacy for expressing her thoughts and feelings outside of any judgment or set of expectations.

Does Sam need to learn to self-soothe?

Sam’s attunement to the needs of others was so good and quick, she was never aware of the feelings she was avoiding in the process. Her sister helped her appreciate how avoidant she was of anger and conflict. Suzanne helped her appreciate all the personal thoughts and feelings that were overlooked in the course of attending to others. Both parents provided her safe places to remain engaged with exploring her thoughts and feelings, yet maintained expectations that she stick with that exploration instead of catering to others’ needs, which in a sense was a defense against intolerable feelings. Just because Sam rarely experienced those feelings, didn’t mean she wasn’t in the service of avoiding them.

As you read these vignettes, take note of how the making A MESS process promotes the development of genuine self-esteem (GSE), emotional competence (EC), communication (COM), and creativity (C/V). And … note the changes in Sam’s mother and father. As you will see, the self-absorbed mother in Part 1 has been replaced by one who can put her own urgencies aside and truly listen to her daughter. Just like D.J., Sam is very tuned into others. This newer version of her mother will be well aware of that and will be on the look-out for examples of Sam sidetracking her own needs because she has tuned into the needs of others. The previous mother derived esteem from Sam’s accomplishments. This newer version is genuinely curious about her daughter and helping her remain focused on finding her own voice. That’s a remarkable change in a mother that was rather self-absorbed to one who is quite tuned into her daughter.

And her father? Even Vic will slow down enough to let his daughters discover insights instead of just trying to give them. The original version of Sam’s father was not self-absorbed, like his wife. Rather, he was a grown-up version of Sam. He quickly understood what people needed and was good at providing it. So much so, he was often out in front, leading in his role as attorney and community leader. But in the process, he totally missed the impact that example was having on his daughter, who strived to be just like him. This newer version of her father is much more aware of his own motivations and is careful not to let his ideas and enthusiasm crush the creativity and self-assertion of his daughters. In fact, he actively arms them to do battle, but with their own voice.

The 2.0 versions of Sam’s parents will be well aware of how their (not so subtle) expectations for Sam led to a conditional relation with their daughter and set the stage for her unhealthy perfectionism. Yes, the parents are less messy this second time around. If this version of Sam is perfectionistic, it will be because she is searching for just the right word to express what she wants in a poem, or she goes the extra mile to trounce her father in their “life-and-death” debate. In other words, she will be striving to accomplish what she is passionate about, not striving to avoid disappointment and loss.

This new, 2.0 version of Sam’s parents helped her develop her own voice from the earliest age. It began with Bedtime stories that Sam wanted to change and make her own. Eventually, her parents realized that she needed more than what story time at night could offer. See what you think of the plan they developed.

Sam Time

“Read another,” Sam said to her Dad at bedtime. “Please!”

Sam had always loved stories and word play. When she was small, she begged her Dad to read her one more bedtime book, then another. And another. The books she liked best were the ones that played with language, with words that had rhythm and rhyme, especially where she could fill in the rhymed word at the end of each sentence, like she was reading herself.

It wasn’t long before Sam actually did help her father read bedtime books to her each night. She also made up stories – long, drawn out stories about the stuffed animals that inhabited her bed, leaving very little room for her. Bedtimes began to include Sam’s stories, where she told of the adventures of her stuffed elephant, owl, and hippo in the jungle. Her parents both listened intently – and patiently- to these stories, which tended to go on for as long as they’d listen. “But wait,” Sam would say. “There’s more. Listen!”

As Sam’s stories became longer and more complex, bedtimes got later and later. Sam’s parents began to feel a conflict developing between letting Sam finish her stories and enforcing their bedtime rules. They knew the storytelling was a positive thing, but they had to make sure Sam got enough sleep. How could they keep bedtime at 8 p.m. yet not cut off Sam’s creative tales. Her parents discussed it, and decided to create what they called, “Sam Time.” This could be done earlier in the evening, after dinner. During these sessions, Sam could take the lead and tell her stories, and her parents would not feel the time constraints of bedtime. They could enter Sam’s imaginary world with her unencumbered.

Let’s take a look at one Sam Time episode.

“Who’s in our story this time?” asked Suzanne, as they sat down on the family room floor surrounded by Sam’s stuffed animals and some assorted dolls and toys.

“Elephant is sick,” Sam said. “And he needs special medicine to get better.”

“Where will he get the special medicine?” asked Vic, coming into the room after finishing the dishes.

Sam looked up. “He doesn’t know. That’s the problem.”

“Ah, that IS a problem,” said her mother. “So what will Elephant do?”

“He’s gonna talk to Owl,” Sam said, like this was obvious. “Owl knows everything.”

“Of course,” said her father. “Owl has solved a lot of problems. Elephant is smart to talk to Owl.”

“So, are you gonna let me tell the story?” Sam said. Sometimes her parents talked too much.

Sam’s parents smiled and covered their mouths with their hands. They looked at Sam in anticipation and waited, letting her know that she had the floor.

“Okay,” Sam said, lifting up Elephant and Owl in each of her hands. “So Elephant goes to Owl and says that he needs the medicine to get better. And he asks Owl, “Where do I get the medicine?” Owl says, “You can only get that medicine in a jungle far away across the whole world.”

Sam’s parents widen their eyes in surprise, but they stay quiet and let Sam continue.

“So Owl says “Don’t worry Elephant. I’ll fly across the world to that jungle and get the medicine for you. Because you’re my friend.” Sam makes Owl give Elephant a hug. Then, with Sam’s help, Owl takes off and flies around the room several times. He scoops up a small potted plant, and carefully carries it back through the air.

As Sam lifts the plant, she glances at her mother for approval. While Sam’s mother is not thrilled with the idea of her potted plant flying through the air, she decides to trust Sam to be careful with it. So she gives a small nod that it’s okay.

Soon, Owl and the plant land safely back with Elephant and Sam continues her narrative. “Now Owl goes to Elephant’s house and knocks on the door. And Elephant is very sick because it was a long time that Owl was gone. But Elephant goes to the door, very slowly, and he opens it. And there is Owl.

“I am back,” Owl says. “Quick, before you get any sicker, eat a leaf from this special plant. That is the medicine that will make you better.”

Sam makes Elephant hobble to the plant and puts his trunk gently in the leaves. “There,” Owl says. “Now you’re all better.”

“Hey, I feel great,” says Elephant. “The medicine worked!”

Sam looks over at her parents, who grin and clap. They each pick up another stuffed animal and soon, all of the animals, including Elephant and Owl are dancing together. “Hooray for Elephant,” they say. “And hooray to Owl for saving Elephant!” Sam grins, dancing along with her animals.

After the dance is done, Suzanne catches Sam’s eye and points with a gentle nod to the plant on the floor. Sam understands, and she picks up Owl and flies the plant back to its original location.

ANALYSIS

Sam’s parents have learned how important it is to join in Sam’s creative fantasies and let Sam lead the way with her stories. They ask questions to get Sam started in her storytelling and let her know that they are interested in her creative world, but they know that after they get her started, they need to let Sam take the lead and run with her stories, following them through uninterrupted until the end. Her parents created the “hand over mouth” signal as a fun, playful way to let her know that they were done talking and that she could “take the stage.”

Her parents have also gotten good at sensing when Sam is at a stopping point in her stories and wouldn’t mind being interrupted with prompts or questions. They pay attention to small cues from Sam, such as when she looks over at them, or seems unsure about what happens next in her story, to cue them to step in with a question, or maybe pick up another stuffed animal to offer an idea or take part in the story.

The whole “Sam Time” interaction has taken only about 20 minutes, but has allowed Sam’s parents to join her in her fantasy world, validate her creativity and her voice, and let her lead the way. Setting this time well before bedtime has also removed the stress her parents had felt about making her bedtime ritual too long, and allowed them to limit bedtime to story reading, which gives them more control over the timing of the routines.

What do you think of Sam Time? Great idea if you have the time, but …? As Sam’s stories got longer and more elaborate and both parents felt squeezed for time, they gradually settled into a more sustainable ritual. Twice-a-week, on Tuesday and Thursday, right after dinner, for half-an-hour, it was Sam Time. Tuesday and Thursday was Sam’s idea. She said, “We’ll always remember because they are T days, just like the T in Sam Time.” There was added incentive to get cleaned up after dinner so that Sam Time could start.

Sam felt free to share her stories and ideas at other times, but Sam Time was special and it even came with some rules. As you might have already guessed, the basic rule was this: Sam was in charge. She was telling the story and giving directions, and the parent was there to listen and take directions. That’s another reason why the half hour limit – she could get a little bossy sometimes when her play needed to go a certain way.

Think in terms of the adolescent Sam we met earlier. Remember how she was always trying to figure out what other people needed and trying to be what others expected? Remember how we found her sobbing at the end of her Road Trip, recognizing she didn’t have a real self? With Sam Time, her parents are honoring the genuine self that is emerging in this younger version of Sam. Their unconditional interest and genuine appreciation of her ideas allowed Sam to recognize she was being appreciated for herself, not just for meeting expectations. This is the groundwork for developing genuine self-esteem. During Sam Time, she had a voice that her parents were eager to hear. She was also developing her creativity and ability to communicate. Sam Time was just what the doctor ordered for the teenage Sam we met earlier.

Being An Author

As Sam got older, moving from preschool to early elementary school, she made up poems and jump rope rhymes. She spent hours daydreaming, and playing with words in her head, trying different combinations to find the ones that sounded best. Sam also kept reading, book after book. But when people asked her what she wanted to be when she grew up, she never said that she wanted to be an author. She didn’t think that you could be an author. She’d never met one and it seemed from what she’d heard that the authors of the books she’d read were all either really old, or dead. How could she be an author? She didn’t qualify!

As she progressed through elementary school, Sam began to talk more and more about becoming a teacher. Her parents liked this idea too, but they had seen how Sam’s eyes sparkled when she was making up her own stories. The stories gave her a creative outlet and a voice, letting her make up entire worlds with her words. So, one day, while Sam was helping to set the table for dinner, her mother asked her, “Whatever happened to the stories you used to tell? ”

“Oh, I’m too busy for that now,” Sam said. “You know… with homework and band and being a crossing guard.”

“Yes, you are busier now,” said Suzanne. “But I remember all the great stories you used to make up. And I bet now that you’re older, you’d have even more interesting and creative stories to tell.”

“I don’t know,” said Sam. “Mostly now, I just like reading.”

“Reading is great,” Suzanne agreed. “As a matter of fact, I’ve heard famous writers say that the best training for being a great writer is to read a lot.”

“Why is that?” Sam asked.

“Because when you read, you get to see how other writers use words to create characters and plots – and the details that make their stories come to life. I guess you could look at the books you’re reading as teachers. They’re teaching you how to create stories and how to use words.”

“Hmm… I never thought of it like that before.” Sam said. “I thought I was just reading.”

Suzanne laughed. “Actually, it gives me an idea,” she said. “They say that imitating the masters–the people who are the best at something–is the most effective way of learning something. Like trying to write a verse of rhyme like Dr. Seuss. I wonder if you could try that.”

“I don’t think I could ever write like Dr. Seuss,” Sam giggled. “He’s too good.”

“You don’t know until you try,” her mother said. “If you put in enough time, you might surprise yourself. Which writer would you like most to be like if you could choose one?”

Sam placed the last of the silverware on the table and thought about this for a minute. “Maybe Gail Carson Levine,” she said. “Because she writes such creative stories, like Ella Enchanted.”

“I remember that one,” her mom said. “She took the Cinderella tale and changed it into a story of her own. She gave Cinderella an attitude, right?”

“Yeah,” Sam laughed.

“Do you think you could do what Gail Carson Levine did?” Suzanne asked her. “Take a fairy tale and change it into a story of your own?”

“Hmm,” Sam said. “It might be fun.” Her mind was already beginning to troll through the possibilities. “Maybe Sleeping Beauty? Like, maybe Sleeping Beauty doesn’t want to go to sleep, so she keeps finding things to keep her awake?”

“That’s great!” Suzanne said. “I think you should write it! Go back and take a look at Ella Enchanted again. See what kinds of things Gail Carson Levine added to the Cinderella story. Look at her writing style, too. That may give you even more ideas.”

“What do you mean by style, Mom?” Sam asked.

“Like, if the author is being funny or serious, and how the author gives the reader information, like including it in dialogue between characters instead of in descriptions. Even the length of sentences is part of the style. Think about Dr. Suess’s short, rhyming sentences.” Do you think that’s something you could do?” Suzanne asked Sam.

Before her mother had even finished the question, Sam was running down the hall to the bookshelves and notebooks in her room, ready to start on her new project.

ANALYSIS

Sam’s mother had noticed Sam’s lack of attention to her writing, and she’d made a decision to try to encourage Sam to get back into it again. Sam’s writing filled a need for her that nothing else did – allowing her creativity to run wild. Suzanne realized, though, that Sam had grown and matured a lot since her days of making up stories for her stuffed animals on the family room floor. She would need something more challenging to engage her again with writing. Over the past several months, Suzanne had mentioned to a couple of her friends who wrote for a living, that she’d like to encourage Sam to get back into writing. She’d asked them what might be good, engaging challenges for a girl Sam’s age. Her friends had suggested a few ideas, one of which was imitating the style of stories written by Sam’s favorite authors. On the day Suzanne mentioned writing to Sam, she had decided to roll with the conversation and see where Sam’s interests lay. When Sam’s interest in reading came up, her mother went with it and presented the idea that best clicked with Sam’s interests.

Over the months that followed, her mother would continue to pay attention to the books Sam was reading, at home and in school. These helped spur more small assignments for Sam relating to imitating or changing the style or the stories. This would give Sam not only practice in writing, but a feeling of accomplishment. It might also help Sam to consider that if she wanted to, she could become an author one day.

A MESS

Let’s look at what Suzanne did with respect to making A MESS of her as a writer. She was attuned to Sam’s interest in reading, fondness for telling stories and sheer joy of playing with words. She was also attuned to the fact that Sam had not made the leap from verbal story telling to written story telling. Her bedtime interactions or Sam Time stories were fun and creative in the moment, but they did not have a more developed quality to them like a piece of writing. Her mother recognized Sam had the interest and ability to write, but simply needed the encouragement and structure to make it happen. She was (A)ttuned enough to know what MESS to make of Sam.

Having Sam begin by imitating her favorite authors was a great idea. We forget that Mozart and Emily Bronte got their starts that way. Their skills and creativity did not appear out of thin air. We also forget that athletes and musicians learn through imitation as well. Although the taboo against plagiarism is pounded into us from our earliest years, learning by imitation is far different than the willful attempt to pass off the work of another as our own.

Write out the numbers 1 through 9. Now make just one number change. Repeat this several times and you begin to lose the recognizable string you started with.

123456789

127456789

127456089

127452089

827452089

827452084

857452084

Sam can start with an existing poem or story and make simple changes of her own. After more and more revisions, the story becomes more and more her own. In the process, she learns the style and structure of the work. Starting with the imitated piece is like using scaffolding in the zone of proximal (ZPD) development approach to learning. As her skill develops, less and less scaffolding is needed.

Sam’s mother created the context for mastery by encouraging the imitation. It was a safe form of engagement, rather than the overwhelming expectations that Sam be able to create her own poem or short story from scratch. Mom’s reassurance and encouragement provided the initial self-soothing to keep her engaged. However, simply telling Sam that this is how many writers get their start will probably suffice. Sam has not lacked in the area of internal discipline and sustaining engagement.

Many people believe that creativity simply emerges out of nowhere. Most authors and artists will tell you that it emerges out of long hours of hard work, where mistakes, repeated attempts, revisions, and learning eventually lead to final versions that are far from where they began – in other words, quite different and creative. The MESS making process her mother has created will provide the incubator for Sam’s literary creativity. It will also provide Sam with a new form of expression (Communication) and the potential for her genuine voice to come through (Genuine Self-Esteem).

Car Stories – A Writing Game

One summer, Sam was accepted into a special week-long band camp. It was a 6 hour drive from home, so Suzanne volunteered to drive her there. A couple of hours into the trip, Sam complained of being bored…

“Maybe we shouldn’t have signed up for this camp,” Sam said.

“Why do you say that?” Suzanne asked.

“I’m bored. Six hours in the car is a long time. And we have to drive all the way back a week from now.”

“You could take a nap,” Suzanne suggested.

“Boring,” Sam said. “Plus, I’m not tired.”

“Okay,” said her mother. “Then let’s get creative. Let’s think of a new game.”

“Like what?” Sam said.

“Well, you make up stories about anything,” Suzanne said. “I’ve seen you. Could we think of some kind of story game?”

“I don’t know,” said Sam. “What kind of story game?”

“Well, let’s make it specific to driving,” Suzanne said. “Could we use some of the things we see as we drive as prompts, to give us ideas for a story?”

“Hmm,” said Sam. “That might work…”

“Okay, so what about that old barn over there.” Suzanne pointed to an old, dilapidated barn on their right. “It looks like it’s got a story behind it. What do you think its story is?”

Sam turned to look at the barn. “It was built a hundred years ago,” Sam began with a smile on her face. “By an old farmer who had too many cows. The cows kept having calves and he had so many that they needed a bigger barn, so the old farmer, whose wife had died, asked his sons to come and help him build the barn.”

“Good,” grinned Suzanne. “What happened next?”

“You tell me,” said Sam, grinning back.

“Ah, you’re going to make me work, too!” Suzanne laughed. “Okay. I can take it.” She took a deep breath to buy some time. “Sooooo…,” she continued. “The farmer and his sons gathered the wood and cleared the land to build the barn for the cows. But while they were clearing the land, they made a discovery. They found fossils in the dirt. At first they weren’t sure what they were, but when they looked more closely, they…”

“Wait – I know!” said Sam. “They were dinosaur fossils. And the old farmer used to study dinosaurs, so he knew. And he could tell right away that these were pieces of really HUGE fossils from a really HUGE dinosaur, that weren’t even supposed to exist around here.”

“Right,” said Suzanne. “So they called in experts to help them and they gathered up the fossils. And soon word began to spread.”

“So even more experts came,” Sam continued. “From all over the world. And they found all the fossil pieces and brought them back to a museum to put them together. And when they were all put together, nobody could believe what they saw. The dinosaur was even bigger than they thought it would be. They used the fossils to make a skeleton, which they set up in the museum. People from all over came to study it. For a while, the old farmer was famous. He went all around the world to talk about the dinosaur fossils. But after a while, he got tired of being famous. So he went back home and he and his sons finished building the barn. And he lived the rest of his long life taking care of the cows in that barn.

Then, when he died, the sons took his cows, and the barn just stood there by itself and got more and more run down in the wind and the rain. “

“And nobody knows how special that barn is but us,” added Suzanne.

“That’s right,” said Sam.

Sam and Suzanne came up with several other stories during their long drive to camp and even more on the way home. The stories not only alleviated boredom, but it helped foster Sam’s creativity and the connection between Sam and Suzanne. They liked the game so much, after the trip to band camp, they began to make up excuses to go on drives together.

ANALYSIS

Suzanne has made A MESS again, hasn’t she? She was attuned to the fact that Sam was bored because she was not engaged. She was bemoaning the fact that something (external) wasn’t available to entertain her. Suzanne basically delivered the (ever so gentle) reminder that you are only as bored as you let yourself be. Did I quote your own mother correctly? That was easy, because she sounds just like mine. The simple and healthy message is to develop internal solutions to problems (like boredom) rather than wait for external solutions. Sam’s mother was reminding her that she had the ability to entertain herself, even on a long drive. She was also reminding her of something that she historically enjoyed and was good at – making up stories. Mom primed the pump by creating a prompt. She sustained the engagement through her willingness to join in the story telling when asked. The mastery, inventing stories, only gets better with practice. Suzanne knew that from talking to her writer friends and through her own work. The more you attend to your surroundings, the more there is to see. That applies to writing, to science, to being an entrepreneur. So where is the self-soothing in this example you ask? Asking her mother to participate probably took the performance risk out of the process as well as the pressure to plow through lulls in creativity. In a ZPD sense, mother’s participation was a bit of scaffolding that helped sustain Sam’s engagement and smoothed the challenge of starting something new. But perhaps the best example for self-soothing is the message delivered (not so subtly) by Suzanne, “When you are bored, you need to learn to entertain yourself.” This is a very valuable message for kids to embrace and work on. When kids grow up relying on external solutions to boredom and anxiety, they remain stunted and dependent. They are dependent on video games, friends, and self-medications to aleave these intolerable states.

More Car Stories

On another car trip not long afterwards, Mom and Sam played the story game again. This time, Sam noticed an art and antique store that they passed and she pointed. “We should do a story about that store,” Sam said. “I think I have a fun one.”

She began. “It’s about the old lady who runs the store. She’s been doing it forever, and she’s kind of bored. Actually, she’s really bored. And she keeps waiting for something new and exciting to come along, but nothing ever does. So she stays busy doing things for her children, like cooking and cleaning for them, even though they’re all grown up, but the old lady thinks that’s the only way they’ll come visit her. And she’s not very happy. Then one day the lady gets a letter in the mail. It says that a special delivery will be coming soon. So she waits, and then the next week the doorbell rings…”

Suzanne jumps in. “Oh, I know what it is. It’s a baby!”

“Yeah, that’s it,” Sam said. “A tiny baby is delivered to her door.”

“No, wait a minute,” Suzanne said. “I think I jumped in too soon. I want to hear what you thought was delivered to the old lady’s door.”

“It can be a baby,” Sam said.

“But I bet you had something else in mind,” Suzanne said. “What was it?”

“Well,” Sam admitted. “I was going to say that she got a ticket – to go on a ship that was collecting art and antiques from all over the world.”

“Oh, I like that!” Suzanne said. “I like it even better than the baby, because it gets the lady doing things for herself, instead of for others. And the baby would need a lot of taking care of and the lady would end up doing even more things for everyone else if she got a baby. So let’s go with your idea instead.”

“The baby would be fun too,” Sam said again.

“Nope,” said Suzanne. “I like your plan for our old lady even better. You have great ideas and I love hearing you run with them. So tell me what comes next in the story.”

“Well, the lady tells her son and daughter that she’s leaving, and they’re not too happy about it because who will do their cleaning and make their meals and give them money when they want it…but she packs up and gets on the ship and sets sail. And off they go across the world. The lady has adventures everywhere.”

Like where?” asks Suzanne.

“You tell me,” says Sam.

“Okay. So the first adventure was in India, where the lady went into the huge city of Mumbai and she found the most beautiful silks and woven fabrics, and the oldest spinning wheels around, which she bought at great bargains. And she met lovely people who fed her wonderful spicy meals. She had a great adventure there. Now your turn.”

“But I don’t know anything about other countries,” Sam said.

“Sure you do,” said Suzanne. “You were just studying Africa in school, weren’t you?”

“Oh, yeah. I guess,” said Sam. “So then she goes on the ship to Africa, and they had…” Sam stopped. “I don’t know what they had. You do it, Mom.”

“Well, maybe you could do it in a different way – your own way. Think of what you Do know…like animals. … what kinds of animals does she see?”

“Ohhh,” said Sam. “Okay, like maybe she finds a carved wooden Anteater in Africa!”

“Yeah,” said Suzanne. “That’s great! And maybe a brass bear in Bolivia?”

“Ha – that’s funny,” said Sam. “And maybe C for Chickens in Chile.“

Suzanne laughed gleefully.

Then Sam paused. “But I might get tired of doing countries and animals for every letter of the alphabet. And I’d get stuck on some, for sure. So I think I’ll do it differently,” said Sam.

Suzanne paused and looked at her. “Great idea,” she said. “I’m glad you let me know.”

“You’re not mad?” asked Sam.

“I’m not mad at all,” said Suzanne. “I’m proud of you for saying what you think.” Then she thought for a second. “Think of it like this, Sam. We don’t want – either you or me – to become like the old lady, always only doing things for other people, right? If we keep doing things just because we’re worried about what other people will think, or because we are worried that they won’t like us or won’t visit us if we don’t, where does that leave us?”

“Bored and not happy, like the old lady, I guess,” said Sam. “But does that mean we shouldn’t ever do things for other people?” Sam asked, confused.

“That’s a good question,” said Suzanne. “Because of course we do things to help other people. Like when I drive you to camp, and when I sometimes bring Mrs. Fisher, our neighbor, to the grocery store. Those are good things to do. But, I do them because I want to help – out of love and kindness, not because I’m worried that you or Mrs. Fisher would be mad if I didn’t do them. Or that I’d lose you as a daughter if I didn’t drive you to camp.”

Sam laughed.

Suzanne continued. “I think it’s good to keep a balance in life. In my life, I do things to help others, but I also do things for myself.”

“Like what?” Sam asked.

“Like exercising and getting together with my lady friends,” Suzanne said. “And taking classes, like the pottery class I’m taking now on Wednesday nights.”

“That’s why Dad picks me up from band practice on Wednesday nights,” Sam responded.

“Exactly,” Suzanne said. “Because that’s time that I’ve taken for myself. I think your writing and storytelling are things that you do for yourself, right?”

“Yeah,” said Sam. “They’re kind of my adventures… like the trip on the ship for the old lady.”

“Yes!” Suzanne said. “Like the adventure on the ship. They’re the things that you do for yourself. Not because anyone else expects you to, or because you’re afraid they’ll be mad or not accept you if you don’t do them. But for you. Does that make sense?”

“Yeah,” Sam said. Then she thought. “I guess sometimes I do things for other people because I don’t want them to get mad at me.”

“Can you give me an example?” Suzanne asked.

Sam thought. “Maybe when I let Angie have first pick with things, like first turn in debates and in games, just so she won’t get nasty with me.”

“I didn’t know you did that,” said Suzanne.

“Angie knows it,” Sam said.

“Well, maybe this would be a good time to reexamine that. What could you do instead to honor yourself and your needs?”

“I could tell Angie that sometimes I should get first choice.”

“That sounds good,” Suzanne said. “And what if she gets mad at you when you do that?”

Sam paused. “I guess I can just let her get mad.”

“And know that you’re doing the right thing… and that even if Angie gets a bit blustery, she’ll get over it soon enough.”

“Like the old lady’s son and daughter when she left on the ship?” Sam said.

“Exactly!” Suzanne replied.

ANALYSIS

What a difference a time warp makes. Sam’s 2.0 mom is able to stay tuned into her daughter and not let her own needs block that sensitivity. Remember the earlier version of her mother, telling Sam in the hospital that she had to skip the car ride back home because she had an important charity event. At the most critical time in Sam’s life, her mom was thinking of herself and what people would think of her if she didn’t show up for this event. Sam’s 2.0 mom is just the opposite. She has taken the time to make this 6hr drive to band camp. That will be 24hrs. of driving for mom when the week is over, because she’ll need to make a return trip.

Time in the car with your kid is the closest thing to the old analytic version of therapy where the client lies on the couch, looking away from the therapist, unencumbered by looking each other in the eye. Long drives, looking out the window (instead of each other) sometimes produce the best talks. In this case, it produced another nice “intervention” on mom’s part.

The Sam we met as a teenager was acutely attuned to the needs of others. In the process of delivering on those perceived expectations, she sacrificed developing her own unique self. In this vignette, we see Suzanne catching little examples of that and letting Sam know that she does not need to make those accommodations. We have a great example of it: Sam was going to alter her story to match Suzanne’s idea. This version of Suzanne listens with her daughter’s developmental needs running in the background. (Sorry, I am making mom 2.0 sound like a computer program, but hey, it’s the 21^st Century.) She gives Sam the message that she needs to find and retain her own voice, and not end up like the woman in the story who only did stuff for others. (I know; the story was too much a coincidence. At least I didn’t pass it off as a dream to be analyzed.)

We can all agree that the earlier version of Suzanne had ISSUES. This version of her mother could still have sidetracked Sam’s voice if she had not been attuned to the impact of her actions. She and her husband are intelligent, dynamic individuals. They have ideas and they are not afraid of sharing them. Sam’s father has to be careful not to just tell his daughters good ideas. He has to remember the value of them figuring them out. In the vignette above, her mom eagerly jumped into the story with her “baby” idea, only to quickly realize that would be her story, not Sam’s.

Offering solutions or giving one-word directions provide immediate solutions to problems. When there is emotional discomfort, it can quickly be relieved. But many times these solutions rob the child of the need to find a solution. In other words, the conflict is not allowed to stay in the child (long enough). In the case of Sam’s parents, their great ideas or explanations can rob the girls of the need to figure things out for themselves. Besides, as Aristotle proved long ago, Socratic questioning often gets the teacher where they wanted to go anyway. On this car ride, her mom’s agenda was for Sam to be in the driver’s seat with her ideas and voice.

The Perfectionist

One day, Sam bolted into the house after school, beaming with excitement.

“We got the coolest assignment in English class,” she told her mom. “We get to make a poster and a poem about our favorite character from Harry Potter (series)!”

“Great! You love those books!” Suzanne said. “What a fun assignment to use all of your creative skills. I bet I know who you are going to pick as your favorite character…”

“Hermione, of course!” said Sam.

Her mom grinned. They’d read the series of Harry Potter books as a family, and Sam had connected with the smart, studious Hermione right from the beginning.

“What will you include in your poster and your poem?” Suzanne asked.

“Things that show why Hermione is such a special character. Pictures of her, things she’s interested in… you know,” said Sam.

“Sounds great,” said Suzanne. “It’ll be like paying homage to your good friend!”

“Yeah, exactly,” said Sam, and off she ran to her room to start gathering supplies.

Suzanne expected to see the excitement over the project to continue, or even to build – knowing Sam – but over the next couple of days, Suzanne noticed that it seemed to be Sam’s stress level increasing, instead of her excitement.

“How’s the Hermione project going?” she asked Sam. “You haven’t mentioned it in the last day or two.”

Sam looked down. “Not too great,” she said. “I was so excited about it at the beginning, but I’ve been on the Internet for hours and I can’t find that many good pictures of her – just the posed ones from the movie and I don’t like those. And every time I start to write the poem I tear it up. It comes out really awful every single time.”

“Oh,” said Suzanne. “I’m sorry to hear that.”

“Yeah, me too,” said Sam. “It’s due in two days and I don’t have anything.”

“You know, this is reminding me of someone else,” her mom said with a gentle smile.

Sam looked confused.

“Hermione – the ultimate perfectionist. Remember when she first met Harry Potter, she told him, “I’ve learned all the course books by heart of course. I just hope it will be enough.”

Sam smiled. “Yeah.”

“Sounds like someone else I know is trying to find the perfect picture and write the perfect poem, instead of just doing the best she can in the time she has,” said Suzanne. “What would Harry or Ron tell Hermione to do in this case, with the poster?”

“Probably to just Do it,” Sam smiled. “And not worry about making it so perfect.”

“That’s my guess, too,” said Suzanne.

“But I don’t want my poster and poem to be terrible,” whined Sam. “And they will be.”

“Sam. When was the last time you turned in work that was ‘terrible’?” her mom asked.

“This is different, Mom. This is a big deal. This is for Hermione. And it’s going to go on display in the classroom with all the other kids’ projects. It has to be special, just like Hermione is special.”

“Wow. That’s a lot of pressure you’re putting on yourself,” Suzanne observed.

“Yeah. Tell me about it.”

“So. You have two days? How long does it usually take you to write a poem?” Suzanne asked.

“That’s hard to answer. I can write a poem in five minutes. But it is not finished. I keep making changes. I think of better words to use. I’ve got a poem I started last year and changed just last week,” Sam said.

“Yeah. I noticed you made a change in that poem. I like it. It did make it even better. But you know? I also liked the poem before you made that change. I’ll bet you make another change to it sometime in the future,” Suzanne laughed.

“Why? Is there something wrong with it?” Sam asked.

“No. It’s a lovely poem. But I know you. You’ll think of something that will make it even better,” Suzanne said.

“See, Mom. I can’t write a good poem in two days,” Sam said.

“You can’t write a perfect poem in two days. But you can write a perfectly good poem in two days,” Suzanne said.

“I don’t know. I don’t think I can write one I’m proud of,” she complained.

“Unless you get started, you will have a blank page with your name on it,” Suzanne reminded her.

“Yeah. That might be better than something awful,” Sam said.

“You know Sam. You do such a good job of working at your poems, making changes, sometimes getting feedback. With that kind of approach, your poems keep getting better and better. But the Hermione poem can’t get better if you don’t have something written to work on and change,” her mom reminded her.

“But …

“Sam that approach has worked well for you in the past. You’ll just have to do the best you can with your method in two days,” Suzanne said.

“But …

“Here you go.” Her mom hands her a sheet of paper and a pencil. “I’m going to take a loop around the neighborhood and I’ll be back in thirty minutes. You write the best poem you can in that time and then we’ll look at it when I get back.”

“This feels like taking a test at school,” Sam complained.

“Your poem better be perfect or you won’t get any dinner tonight,” Suzanne said with a straight face.

Sam laughed. “Yeah. I would hate to miss out on your perfect cooking, Mom,” Sam countered.

“Ouch. That hurt,” her mom laughed.

ANALYSIS

Sam is a kid who can easily turn to the dark side of perfectionism. This newer and better version of her mother is pretty tuned into that trap. The older version of her might have responded with, “Sam, you’re such a smart girl. I’m sure you will do a great project. Like you always do.” Or, she might have said, “Sam. You’re so smart. Whatever you do in the next two days will be so much better than anything the rest of the class will do.” Ouch. Aren’t you glad we moved on to Mom 2.0?

Perfectionism really does have a bright side and a dark side. When Sam continues to make changes to her blog poems, always searching for a better word to express a thought or a feeling, that kind of perfectionism is healthy. She is striving to grow and develop as a poet. Worrying that others will be disappointed or critical if something isn’t perfect. Worrying that she will let down Hermione is she does not honor her with a perfect poem. That tips toward the darker side of perfectionism, one where concerns about loss drive the process. So, growth is good. Loss is bad. That’s an easy way to assess, right? If only it was that easy. But as you can guess, the process is often messy.

And what A MESS her mother made of her here. Suzanne is very attuned to her daughter’s interests, abilities, and temperament. She knows that Sam can be hard on herself and worry that things are not good enough or might leave people disappointed. She is also aware that when Sam is not slowed by these worries, she applies herself with great dedication. And that combination of ability and hard work produces some remarkable work, as evidenced by the poems on her blog.

There are plenty of opportunities in the school setting for kids to make judgments about where they stand relative to each other. Judgment and comparison are also built in to a system of issuing grades. But Sam’s growth as a poet has not and will not come from her efforts to please others or best her peers. It will come from her passion to write and her drive to grow as a poet. Her blog is a great example of that. She writes out of love for the process. And she continues to make revisions to her poems, not because she is disappointed in them, but because she loves the process of searching for even better ways to express herself. Her mom recognized the drive for mastery – or growth as a poet. By helping Sam set up her blog as a place to write, she created a space for engagement that was as safe as Sam needed it to be (by virtue of who was allowed to read her poems). It also allowed for continued engagement in the process of revising and resubmitting, one that promotes growth in Sam and greater depth in her work. In this blogosphere, Sam had a form of safety that sustained her until she was ready to be more public with her creations. In other words, the blog provided a safe place to engage in growth as she grew in sufficient confidence to expand her sphere of sharing. In other words, the blog provided a safe space as she learned to soothe herself (and not worry as much about approval or disappointment).

Speaking of safety and engagement, what did you think of Suzanne’s strategy of giving her the thirty minute writing assignment? In terms of making A MESS, her mom was aware of Sam’s capability, as well as her anxieties. By asking her to write for thirty minutes, she forced an engagement she knew would result in something for Sam to work with. When she returned from her walk, she could encourage Sam to stay engaged with making changes and gradually improve what she started with. It may not be a masterpiece, but it will get gradually better over the next 48 hours. Mom’s little exercise provided a time limited engagement that was manageable for Sam, rather than the overwhelming task that had her stymied. In other words, her mom’s assignment helped launch not only the engagement, but the self-soothing process necessary to stay engaged. The message was, “This is only 30 minutes, which I know you can handle.”

Home Debate

Sam’s parents wanted mealtimes to be opportunities for the family to talk. Sam’s father, Vic, who was an attorney, wanted his daughters to develop their intellect and learn to express their opinions. Beginning when the girls were young, he encouraged them to have constructive discussion about issues or disagreements that had occurred during the day.

Sam was quieter and more reserved than her older sister, and not prone to get involved in conflict or controversy. She often needed prompting from Vic to express her opinions, especially negative ones that might set off a fight with her sister.

One night at dinner, Vic said to the girls, “I hear that you and your sister had a disagreement about which movie to watch with the babysitter last night.”

“We worked it out,” Sam replied quickly.

“But it sounded like it was pretty upsetting,” said Suzanne. “Karen said that you ran to your room crying and wouldn’t come out for an hour. And I know you wanted to watch a movie.”

“She kept changing her mind,” said Angie, Sam’s sister. “I want this one. No I want that one. She couldn’t make up her mind.”

Their father looked at Angie. “And how did you respond to that,” he asked.

“I got mad and said we should watch Peter Pan or nothing,” Angie said. “That’s the one we talked about watching before Karen came.”

“Is that true,” Vic asked Sam.

“I don’t know,” Sam said.

“It’s okay to disagree with your sister,” Vic prompted. “I want to know what you think happened. Otherwise, we only have Angie’s side of the story, and that’s not fair to you.” He paused to let Sam think about that. Then he continued. “So, did you and Angie talk earlier in the day about what movie to watch?”

“Yeah, we talked about it,” Sam said.

“And what did you decide?” Vic asked.

“We didn’t decide anything,” Sam spurted out. “Angie said she wanted to watch Peter Pan and I said maybe. Because I couldn’t decide. There are lots of movies I wanted to watch.”

“So you hadn’t actually agreed to watch Peter Pan,” Vic asked Angie.

“I had agreed to it,” Angie declared.

“It takes two people to agree on something,” Vic said to Angie with a warm smile. “Otherwise, you’ve just expressed your opinion, but you haven’t actually come to an agreement. That’s an important difference,” he said. “Coming to an agreement means that you both want to do something.”

“Yeah, well whatever,” Angie said, getting up from the table.

“Sit back down,” Vic said. “We’re not done yet.”

Sam tried to squirm down in her seat. She hated being close to her sister’s anger.

“So, Sam,” her father said. “You were frustrated with your sister for insisting that you watch Peter Pan. You got upset and went to your room. Is that right?”

“Yeah,” Sam whispered.

“Were there other ways you could have handled that?” Vic asked her.

“I don’t know,” Sam said. “Just watch Peter Pan, I guess.”

“That would have been one solution,” Vic said. “But that doesn’t honor your opinion. You have the right to have your opinion heard,” her father said.

“It is heard,” Sam said. “But just not listened to.”

“Ah, nicely said,” replied Vic. “What do you think about that, Angie?”

“I listened to her,” said Angie. “I just wanted to watch Peter Pan.”

“Let’s think of other ways that you might handle this kind of situation,” Vic said. Can you two think of some way you could have handled this where both of you get to say what you really think and feel?

“I told her exactly what I thought,” said Angie.

“You are very good about speaking up about what you want, Angie,” her dad said. “Can the two of you design a process where both of you get your opinions out there and carefully considered?” he asked. “Can the two of you design a process that feels fair for both of you?”

“I could pick one movie to watch one night and Angie could pick one to watch the next day,” said Sam.

“That’s an interesting idea for a solution. Right now I am asking if the two of you can come up with a way to put your ideas, thoughts and feelings out there so everyone gets heard and considered,” he clarified.

“We should be able to say all our ideas before any of them get criticized,” said Sam.

“What do you think of that idea, Angie,” Vic asked.

“I’m okay with that. As long as Sam doesn’t take all day doing it,” she said.

“I’ll do it as long as you stay quiet while I try to talk,” Sam said, showing a little more engagement with this process.

“So what are we supposed to do? Write all this stuff down? Why can’t we just argue it out,” Angie complained.

“This sounds like a good way to argue it out – instead of fighting it out. There is a big difference,” he reminded them.

“Angie just likes to fight,” Sam interjected.

“Do not. You just like to go to your room crying so everyone feels bad for you,” Angie shot back.

“I think the idea of collecting everyone’s ideas before talking about them is a good way to solve problems. It is how we lawyers argue our cases,” Vic said.

“Yeah. I’ll bet it is. The longer it takes, Dad, the more money you make,” Angie said.

Sam laughed, “Angie’s right for once on that one, Dad.”

Both girls laughed together, at Dad expense. He joined them in laughing, knowing his was a well-deserved jab from two lawyers to be.

So, back to the movie argument. Why don’t the two of you think of all the possible solutions and I will write them down and then the two of you can discuss what will work for you in the future when it comes to picking a movie,” Vic encouraged.

ANALYSIS

Did their Dad make A MESS of their mess? Sure looked like it. What he unearthed was the aftermath of a fight. What he helped them appreciate was the value of arguing, not fighting. He was attuned to both daughters’ temperaments, interests, and abilities. Angie was quick tempered and quick to act. She had strong opinions and was not afraid to share them – regardless of the consequences. She was in need of mastering some social skills that would keep her from alienating people in the future, without losing that spunk. Sam, on the other hand, was very reluctant to share her genuine feelings, especially if it risked angering her sister. She never did well with anger – especially when Angie exploded. To prevent that, Sam often kept her true wishes and feelings to herself, and Vic was well aware of that. He realized that Sam needed to master some skills of her own, including recognizing how she genuinely felt and putting those feelings to good use.

Their father provided the safe structure for the girls to engage in this much needed learning process, best described as “how to argue.” Each girl needed to learn how to argue effectively, but for very different reasons. Without his structure, their engagement would not have happened or been sustained. Vic also soothed each of his daughters in ways each of them needed, and enforced sustained engagement when each of them would have chosen retreat. This was a great example of their dad making A MESS. Now we will have to see what happens next time there is a movie to choose. I don’t know about you, but my money is still on Angie. But change takes time and this will not be the last problem solving session needed to launch a new and healthier approach to solving problems.

The Goose Gazette

As Sam and her sister, Angie, got older, Vic used mealtimes to ask everyone if there were things in the news people wanted to talk about. If not, he was good at bringing up events in the news or the neighborhood that he thought his daughters could relate to. Vic had been a proud member of his high school debate team, and he knew the value of constructive discussion and argument. He wanted his daughters to develop their intellect and learn to express their opinions, and he loved to get the family involved in a good, hearty debate. Sam and her sister would roll their eyes when their dad got started, but they knew that dad’s discussions usually ended up pretty interesting. Their dad could be kind of overbearing sometimes, but they wouldn’t trade him for anything, especially after going to friends’ houses where meals were downright dull.

Since Sam was prone to avoid conflict or controversy, she often needed prompting from her father to express her opinions, especially negative ones that might set off an argument with her sister. Vic tried to zero in on issues that Sam felt passionate about so that she’d be more vocal and involved in the discussions.

One evening, their family debate led to a new opportunity for Sam. Sam’s neighborhood was built around a small lake. There had always been geese on the lake, but lately the goose population had increased. This led to more of their droppings on the path around the lake, extra algae in the lake, and recently one neighbor on her morning walk had been attacked by a goose.

Angie laughed. Her mother jumped in with, “Those geese can be vicious. I saw the bruises on her legs at the gym.”

Geese had a reputation for becoming nasty at times when they were guarding their young.

“I’ve been doing a bit of reading about how neighborhoods around the country are handling goose problems,” Vic said one night at dinner.

“Why are we not surprised, Dad,” said Angie, which made Sam laugh.

Unfazed by her interruption, Vic continued, “The more geese there are, the worse the problem will become. It seems time for us to do something before they keep repopulating.”

“I heard that Mr. Olson, in the yellow house around the corner, has been taking it upon himself to find their nests and crush their eggs,” Suzanne said with a sigh.

“Crush their eggs?” said Sam. When it came to animal rights, she had strong opinions. After all, animals couldn’t speak for themselves. “That’s terrible,” she said.

“I don’t agree with crushing goose eggs,” said Vic. “But what are we supposed to do with all these geese? We can’t just let the geese roam free and repopulate.”

“Why not?” asked Sam. “I like geese. They can share our lake with us.”

“Yeah,” said Angie, agreeing for once with her sister.

“Sharing the lake and the land around it with 20-30 geese is very different from sharing it with 200-300 geese,” Vic said. “Wouldn’t you agree?” he asked.

“Three hundred geese is a lot!” Sam said. “We don’t have that many geese on our lake.”

“Not yet, but we have over 50 now. And what if each mother goose has 5 babies? Say 20 geese have 5 babies each. How many more geese does that add?”

“A hundred geese,” said Sam and Angie together.

“Right. So then we’d have 150 geese,” their father said. “And they’d

“But crushing goose eggs is murder,” interrupted Sam.

“True,” said Vic. “It is murder. So, what would you do?”

Sam and her sister thought about it.

“We could bring some of the geese somewhere else,” said Sam. “Give them a new place to live.”

“A goose resort?” her sister said.

“It’s a good idea to encourage the geese to find a new place to live,” said Vic. “They’ll likely fly back to our lake. They consider it their home.”

“We could bring them really far away,” Angie said.

“Geese can fly a Long way,” Suzanne laughed. “But hmmm…could we convince the geese that they want to find a new home? So they leave on their own?”

“That’s not nice,” said Sam.

“But it’s better than crushing their eggs,” said Vic. “How could you convince them to leave without being mean or cruel?” “Why don’t the two of you do some research? Maybe you can find information on the Internet about goose problems similar to ours, in a few days we can see what ideas we’ve come up with. Sound good?”

When they reconvened a few days later, Sam was bursting to share what she’d found. “Guess,” she said. “They’re white and beautiful and live at the lake and make the geese fly away.”

Her sister shrugged. “Easter bunnies?” she asked.

Sam scoffed. “Swans,” she said. “Swans are territorial. That means if we get a couple of them, make the geese go somewhere else. It won’t hurt the geese. Some of them will just fly off to live in a different place.”

Sam looked at her parents, and even stole a glance at her sister. “That’s okay, isn’t it? And how cool would it be to have beautiful, white swans at our lake? What do you think?”

“I was excited about the swan idea too. But I read somewhere that they are very aggressive and grow in numbers just like geese. Those reports said swans end up being a bigger pain than geese,” Suzanne reported.

Sam sulked. “Oh,” she said.

“That’s okay,” said Vic. “It was still a good idea. Can you think of some way around that problem your mom pointed out?”

Sam said, “Could we make scarecrows that LOOK like swans?”

“But what if the geese ignore the swan scarecrows? It’s not like they’ll be really chasing the geese,” Angie said.

“That’s a good point. So what could we find to shoo away geese,” their dad asked.

“Everyone could just take responsibility for shooing them off their own lawns,” Sam said.

“True,” said Vic. “They’ll know not to settle there. That will limit their territory.”

“Yeah, but they’ll still live around the lake,” Sam realized.

“You’re right,” admitted Vic. “So did you get any other ideas from your research? What about you, Angie?”

Angie, who hadn’t exactly embraced the research process, said she hadn’t. But Sam thought a minute, trying to remember other things she’d read. Then she said, “What about border collies? They’re supposed to be good at chasing away geese. They’re not as cool as swans, but maybe a border collie could solve the problem?”

“I like how you’re open to new ideas, Sam,” Vic said. “Though one family would have to be responsible for taking care of the dog.”

“We could!” Sam said. “I’ve been wanting a dog!”

“I think we need to have the cooperation of the neighborhood, and the city has a leash law that would need to be relaxed,” Vic said. “Everyone has to be okay with the idea of the dog wandering around.”

“I bet Mr. Olson won’t cooperate,” Angie said.

“The city has a leash law. So the dog couldn’t just wander,” Suzanne reminded them.

“Mr. Olson is the one who needs a choke collar,” Angie said, still focused on the grumpy neighbor.

“You have some good ideas that have real possibilities. But as you can see, some people will need convincing, including Animal Control downtown. I think your next step is putting some of your ideas out to the neighbors, because they need to be involved in making decisions as well,” he reminded them.

“How do people usually spread ideas?” Suzanne asked.

“Just tell Mrs. Meyer,” Angie said. “She’s the neighborhood gossip. She’ll tell everyone.”

Sam laughed and nodded her head.

“That’s not a reliable way of spreading the word,” her mother smiled. “Other ideas?”

Sam thought about it. “Hey, I know,” she said. “How about a newspaper? That’s a great way to spread news and ideas. We could have a neighborhood newspaper.”

“I like that idea,” Vic said. “Is that something you would like to do? I know you like to write.”

“The newspaper could tell everyone about the goose problem,” Sam said.

“It sounds boring,” said Angie.

“A newspaper could also have comics,” Suzanne prompted, knowing that Angie liked to draw. “And pictures.”

Angie shrugged.

“And other neighborhood news,” said Sam. “We could be reporters.”

“Will your paper have a name?” Vic asked.

Sam thought. “How about The Goose Gazette?” she said.

“How about, ‘Take A Gander’? Think people would go for that,” Suzanne asked.

“And there could be recipes for how to cook a goose,” Vic chimed in.

“Angie. You could come up with a cool logo for the paper,” Suzanne said

“I bet Angie could draw a picture of a goose as a logo,” Sam said.

Now Angie had a bit of a smile. “Maybe,” she said.

“But not a goose in a serving dish, Angie,” Sam warned.

“Don’t worry, Sam. I know a dumb idea when I hear one. But I can draw a cool picture of a goose delivering the paper,” Angie laughed.

“I can print the papers,” Suzanne said.

“That sounds great,” Vic said. “It will be fun. But it’s also serious.” He looked at Sam. “When you write about the geese and explain how you want to solve the problem, you are going to have to be persuasive. That means you’ll need to explain very carefully why getting the border collie and shooing away the geese is the best and most humane way to solve the problem. You’ll have to convince everyone that this is the best idea. Do you think you could do that?”

“Does that mean we are getting a new dog,” Sam responded.

“Hmmm. Guess mom and I will have to talk about that,” their dad said, realizing he had left the dog idea hanging. “Anyway, see where the two of you can get with the newspaper idea.”

“I’ll start working on the article tonight,” Sam said.

“And maybe I’ll start making a comic strip about people’s struggles with goose droppings,” said Angie.

Their parents laughed.

The energy at the table built as the girls planned their newspaper and got ready to begin their new venture.

ANALYSIS

Sam’s dad is a real leader. He has ideas and he is used to getting people to act. It is interesting listening to him encourage his daughters to problem solve and come up with ideas, while trying not to just give them the ideas. The Sam we met as a teenager was a real doer herself. But, what we found, was a doer for others. She was good at figuring out what other people needed and providing it. Finally, she crashed and burned after the futility of that dawned on her in a harsh way. But, can you see how she would want to grow up and be like her dad. How she would want to please him and gain his approval? The teenage Sam was cut from the same cloth as her father. In the vignette above, this version of mother and father are trying to help her gain her own voice and put her own ideas into action. I know you prefer this 2.0 version of her mom. She is much more tuned into Sam. The first mother we met was pretty self-absorbed. That’s a bad fit for Sam. Between volatile sister, self-absorbed mother, and strong leader father, you can see how Sam found ways to be valued and not cause conflict. But it came at a real cost to developing a genuine self. In the vignette above, her father is doing a good job of helping her develop a voice and her mother is supporting the ideas that the girls are generating.

Sam’s Blog

The Goose Gazette had been going strong for over a year. The neighborhood had agreed to Sam’s family’s proposed solutions. Sam’s family had decided to adopt a young border collie from the town’s animal shelter. The dog, which they called Sprint, enthusiastically chased geese every chance he got. Combined with the scarecrows and the neighbors’ efforts to shoo geese from their yards, the goose population seemed to be in decline.

In the meantime, Sam and Angie had been joined by several other kids, who loved the idea of the neighborhood newspaper. Now, they were putting out a 6 page Goose Gazette every other month. The paper continued to cover the goose issue, including lovely photographs of the geese taking flight and the proud Sprint standing guard. It also grew to include interviews with neighbors and articles about any number of neighborhood happenings.

Sam wrote some of these articles, along with a story or poem on occasion. However, it seemed that with every issue which came out, there was less room for her creative ideas. The other “reporters” had more and more ideas for articles – and the paper could only be so long. Sam began to feel frustrated with what was happening, and one day she mentioned it to her mother.

“It seems like I never get to write about what I want to write about in the paper,” Sam said. “It was my idea, but now everyone else is taking it over.”

“You sound pretty frustrated, Sam,” Suzanne observed.

“I am. I’m fed up.”

“You’ve gotten a lot of people excited about The Goose Gazette,” Suzanne said. “It’s great to have such enthusiasm for your project, but you’re right that it changes things. Tell me more about what isn’t right for you.”

“It’s hard to have so many people with different ideas. Everyone wants something different. And nobody wants what I want anymore.”

“So it means more compromises,” Suzanne asked.

“Yeah, the paper is hardly even my idea anymore,” said Sam. “For two months now, I’ve been wanting to write a poem to put in there, and everyone says, ‘no’. Robert says the paper should only have informative articles. And Angie’s comics. But not my poems!” Sam sulked. “Maybe I should just quit.”

Suzanne nodded her understanding. “How would it feel to not be involved in the paper?” she asked.

“I might miss it,” Sam admitted. “Since it still is my newspaper. But I wouldn’t miss the arguments about which articles to put in there,” Sam said. “And if I left, I could write what I want to write – for myself.”

“Hmm,” said her mom. “Well, I agree that you should be able to write what you want to write about. Maybe some of your work, like your poems, could be published somewhere else?”

“Like where?” asked Sam.

“I know some friends who have blogs,” Suzanne said. “Blogs are like private websites where people can post their thoughts about things. They can invite other people to see their blog, and those people can write comments about what’s been posted. That might be a good place to put your poems – or anything else that you decide to write,” Suzanne said. “You could invite Grandma and Grandpa and your friends to read them. Not just people in the neighborhood, who’d read The Goose Gazette, but people that you know who live all over.”

“That sounds kind of fun,” Sam said.

“Let me show you a few blogs that are online,” Suzanne said. “I think you’ll like this. You can put pictures on the blog, and borders and decorations. It’d look really nice. And it can be your own space.”

“And there’d be no arguments,” Sam said.

“That’s right,” said Suzanne. “You can decorate it as you like and write what you want to write there, and nobody can tell you what you should or shouldn’t put in your blog. What do you say?”

“I say, ‘yes’!” Sam said.

Suzanne helped her to set up her blog, and Sam began to post the poetry that she wrote. Some of Sam’s poems were joyful, expressing how much she loved the lake by her house, her best friend, and playing in the band at school. Other poems helped her express frustration – with school, her sister, and even with herself. She liked when her grandparents posted that they’d read her poems and offered their comments and support.

“It feels good when people read my poems and like them,” Sam said. “I really like it when someone tells me they have felt the same way.”

“That sounds like the blog has worked well for you. I’m glad. What kind of plans do you have for it,” Suzanne asked.

“I think I’m going to do more feelings poems. Sometimes I think I’m the only one who feels a certain way, but then when I post a poem I find out other people have felt what I felt. Even Grandma,” Sam explained.

“I’m happy for you. I know Grandma feels very honored that you are letting her read you poetry. That is not something I would have let her read when I was your age,” Suzanne admitted.

“Yeah, but I’ll bet Grandma has mellowed since you were my age,” Sam said.

“You really are good with words, young lady. Very nicely said,” Suzanne said as she hugged her.

ANALYSIS

Sam’s father encouraged the start of the neighborhood newspaper. It was a good start for Sam in identifying a problem or cause and developing a solution. She also gained experience with research and writing. It was also good experience she would later put to use as the editor of the high school yearbook. Unless of course, until her mother sidetracked her with the idea of the blog and the whole self-expression thing.

Hooray for (this version of Sam’s) Mom! That was just what Sam needed in the midst of sacrificing her own needs to the wishes of others. Her mom was tuned in at a critical point where Sam was accommodating others to keep the peace and produce what was expected. She was able to help Sam express her frustration with that accommodation and translate it into constructive action that produced a better fit for her. The blog allowed Sam to begin writing more about what she genuinely found interesting and compelling. She had a safe place to develop her writing, to give voice to her thoughts, feelings and creativity. Eventually, she would come to learn that her writing, which was a more genuine fit for what she was passionate about, would have an appreciative audience, just like her good works on behalf of others had. And by bringing in Grandma, giving Sam an audience for her self expression and feedback from someone else who was important in her life – that gives Sam the benefits of a charismatic adult who accepts her for who she really is.

Suzanne is making A MESS of her daughter. She is aware of Sam’s vulnerability to meeting others expectations and forgoing her own interests. She is also aware of Sam’s abilities and creativity. Remember the stories from Sam Time? By giving her permission to pursue her blog, safe from judgment, criticism, or worries about disappointing, she provided Sam a safe space for sustained engagement. The privacy and safety are important until Sam feels confident to let others hear her thoughts and feelings. In a mastery sense, Sam is finding her own voice. And if we look back at our list of developmental goals, we see that genuine self-esteem, communication and creativity are part of that package.

Posts From Sam’s Blog

New Post

Sandy

Used to be my best friend

Used to stand next to me

as crossing guard

Next to me in band.

Now she stands

across the room,

miles away, even though she’s

just across the street.

What did I do wrong?

Comments

Grandma: Sam, I’m so sorry to read in Ur lovely, sad poem about the rift between U and Sandy. She’s been Ur friend for such a long time. I remember when we all went out for ice cream together while I was visiting.

Maybe U didn’t do anything wrong at all. Tell me more about it. Have U figured out what happened?

Mom: You express yourself in such a beautiful way. I know this is a sad time for you and Sandy. How are you feeling now? Write more.

New Post

Sandy2

We used to giggle when we ate ice cream

Because it tickled our tongues

And back then, everything was funny.

But now everything is serious

And the only thing she wants to tickle her tongue

Is her stupid boyfriend.

And I know that sounds bad and mean and rude

But it’s true.

I don’t matter.

To her

Or to anyone.

Comments

Grandma: How much U say in only a few words. I understand how you feel. And honey, U do matter. To me and to Grandpa and to Ur parents and Ur friends, and to so many other people who care about U.

U R a beautiful girl!

Mom: Oh, Sweetie. I remember when I was 14 and my best friend, Kristin, got a boyfriend for the first time. All of a sudden I felt like a “nothing,” like I didn’t matter to her or to anyone else. But you know what, Kristin and I stayed friends, and that incident spurred me on to make other friends. One of them is Mrs. Nichols – and we’re still close today. You will grow from this too, even though it hurts. You know you matter very much to all of us.

I have an idea. An idea to focus back on You – the wonderful you – instead of Sandy or anyone else out there. Write us a poem – an I AM poem. About who You are.

New Post

I Am

I am a stick

Stuck in the muddy ground

Stepped on

Til they can’t even see me anymore.

Comments

Grandma: U R very honest with Ur feelings, Sam. And U express them like nobody else can. But Ur writing makes me feel so very sad for U. I’d like to see something positive about who U R too. What kind of animal would U be?

New Post

I Am

I am a tortoise

Hiding in my shell

It’s dark in here

And nobody can get me.

That’s the way I like it.

Comments

Mom: I understand how it feels to be hurt and to want to hide away from the world like a tortoise in its shell. But even tortoises can’t hide forever. And I know that you want to come out of your shell and do the things that you love to do. What kind of an animal are you when you are playing your clarinet in the band… or writing a great article for the newspaper… or trouncing your sister in a debate.

New Post

I am

I am a rabbit

Jumping ahead

To wherever I’m going

Like in band

Like when I write

And when I debate.

Sometimes I even jump on my sister,

Though she usually jumps back.

Comments

Grandma: That’s more like the Sam I know! Here’s what I say:

U R U

so

B the best U

that

U can B

Hooray for U!!

Mom: Hooray, Sam. Good for you. And Sam the rabbit will keep on jumping, even after this tough time with Sandy!

ANALYSIS

Can you see what A MESS her mother made of Sam? This version of her mother, one quite different than the self-absorbed one we met earlier, is attuned to her daughter’s abilities, interests and needs. The blog was a great idea for helping find her voice and escape the bind she kept finding herself in when she listened to others needs and gave up her own to take care of them. A private space in which to express herself that resulted in appreciation for that genuine self. Mom really hit the therapeutic bull’s eye with that one!

In terms of developing self-esteem, this doesn’t get much better. She is developing greater competence as a writer and she is feeling valued and appreciated for expressing her genuine self. She certainly finessed the problem of control that plagued her role with the newspaper. She will have to figure out how to handle that potential conflict better in the future – how to assert herself, and be an effective organizer of others. If and when she does become a school editor again, she may find the role more satisfying. My money is on her becoming the editor of the school’s literary journal, rather than yearbook or newspaper. What do you think?

Speaking of what do you think. What do you think of Grandma’s comments? Sound good? Can you see anything coming along that might concern you? Go back and read a couple of the reactions Grandma had to her poems.

For Sam’s Eyes Only – A Blog What If

What if Grandma’s response were a bit different after Sam’s dark, sad tortoise poem? Let’s amplify things just a bit to see what happens…

New Post

I Am

I am a tortoise

Hiding in my shell

It’s dark in here

And nobody can get me.

That’s the way I like it.

Comments

Grandma: U R making me so sad, my darling Sam. Please come out of Ur shell, little tortoise. I want the real Sam to come out of hiding. I miss her and her smile!

New Post

I don’t want to come out of my shell, Grandma. And even if I did, I wouldn’t be able to think of any happy poems. I think I need to just be done writing poems for a while.

Later that afternoon, Suzanne knocked on Sam’s bedroom door. “Can I come in?”

“Sure,” Sam said.

“I read your post about being done writing poems for a while,” Suzanne said.

“I don’t like hurting Grandma,” Sam said. “But I can’t think of any happy poems.”

“It’s hard to write happy poems when you’re feeling sad,” Suzanne said.

“Yeah,” said Sam. “Doesn’t Grandma understand that?”

“I think Grandma just wants to see you happy,” said Suzanne. “It’s because she loves you and cares about you. And seeing you sad makes her worry.”

“Well, I’m not trying to worry her,” said Sam. “But I’m not happy right now. And I don’t think I should pretend to be, just to make Grandma feel better.”

“Nicely said,” Suzanne replied. “And I agree.”

“So I guess I just need to be done writing poems on my blog,” Sam said.

“I’d hate for you to stop writing your poems,” said Suzanne. “I think they’ve been good for you. They’re great ways to express yourself.” Suzanne stopped and thought. “Maybe we need to think of ways for you to write your poems where you can express yourself without worrying about upsetting Grandma. Or me. What if you started another blog – a For Sam’s Eyes Only blog? For the things that are only for you? Would that be a good way to deal with this?

“Hmm….” said Sam. “Maybe I could write what I wanted to and not worry anyone. Though I’d miss your comments. But sometimes I just need to write all alone. Sometimes a catch myself worrying about what you and Grandma are going think. Yeah. Mom, I think that’s a good idea. My own secret blog. Sounds like something I can use in a story, doesn’t it?

“I’ll let you run with that one. “Why don’t you try the new blog idea? No need to tell Grandma. Do you need my help in setting it up?”

“Maybe I’ll try setting it up myself,” Sam said. “Just to see if I can.”

“Sure,” said Suzanne. “Will you let me know how it’s going?”

“Yeah,” Sam said.

For Sam’s Eyes Only Blog

New Post

How can one person

be so many different things?

Sometimes a bird, flying free.

Sometimes a rabbit, jumping forward,

But sometimes a tortoise, hiding in its shell,

or a muddy stepped-on stick in the ground.

Then there are times when I don’t tell anyone,

When I’m the deep, dark belly of a whale

black and empty on the ocean floor,

so full of nothingness I just want

to fade away down into

the murky grime.

New Post

Sandy wouldn’t even look at me today in school.

She ignored me when I asked her if we could talk.

She makes me feel like a nobody.

And everyone else does too.

They don’t even know I’m there.

So, I’m going down into the belly of the whale.

I can feel it pulling me…

tugging me down

into the dark

the murky dark.

Sucking me into its nothingness.

And I want to stay there, and be the

black and stink and hollow of the whale,

and be a nobody, just like they think I am.

And I don’t want to ever, ever, ever come out.

New Post

The thing about being

in the belly of the whale,

is that even when it’s

so dark in there that I can’t see anything,

and I think I’ll be there forever

because I don’t know the way out,

can’t see it through the stink and the blackness,

when I wake up, the sun is somehow

shining through all those layers of ocean,

and whale, and I know

it’s time to come out…

to crawl out, one step,

then another,

and soon I find my way out of the whale,

and out of the ocean,

and back at home

and school

and it’s okay. At least kind of…

Because I guess I don’t really want to be

in that whale forever.

Just for a while,

To get away from things,

Til I’m ready to face them.

Sam’s Blog

New Post

Hi Mom and Grandma. I’m back again on this blog. Here’s a new poem.

I’m Just Me

Sometimes I don’t know who I am

Because I’m so many things at once,

Sometimes I’m a hiding tortoise,

Sometimes a jumping rabbit,

or a singing bird,

Sometimes I’m a muddy, stepped-on stick,

And other times I’m so dark and empty,

I’m the belly of a whale

At the bottom of the sea

In the darkness.

And sometimes

I’m nothing at all.

Which one is me,

The real me?

All of them –

different parts.

All of them are me.

That’s just who I am,

I’m just me

Just me.

Comments

Grandma: It’s so good to have U back! And I love the real U. All of U. Even the part that sometimes feels like U R nothing at all. I’ve felt like that 2. Thank U for sharing who U really R.

New Post

Good 2 know U R there, Grandma!

ANALYSIS

Grandma, bless her heart. We saw in the exchange between Grandma and Sam, both a message of love and one of conditional love. Grandma didn’t intend for her love to be interpreted that way, but we know that Sam is vulnerable to tuning into the wishes and expectations of others – maybe a little too much. Sam found that when she showed her work to others, she had to do battle with the bind it created between her own thoughts and feelings being expressed vs. the reactions of her readers. Remember the old Self vs. Relatedness Bind? Although not intended, Grandma’s wish for a return to the old, happy Sam, instead of the sad Turtle, Sam was an example of that bind. Thank goodness for version 2.0 of mom, who tuned into this potential threat to Sam’s genuine voice. Her idea of Sam having her own private blog space was just what her daughter needed at this juncture. Sam’s first blog was a huge move toward developing her own thoughts and ideas and becoming more expressive. Her mother realized that Sam had reached a developmental point where she needed to have the privacy and safety to explore her feelings and give voice to them. As we saw with Grandma’s reaction, exploring dark feelings can worry onlookers. Grandma was well intentioned, but Sam didn’t need to hear that the darker side of her was not the real her. Sam has a multitude of feelings, including sadness and anger. She can’t just ignore those feelings because they are negative and not the real her. Kids who are given that kind of message are left to fear they are bad or damaged for having angry or sad thoughts. Months were compressed into paragraphs in the vignettes above, but we saw Sam eventually become comfortable enough with her whole self to begin sharing more. And perhaps mom had a chat with grandma, because grandma’s response the next time around was much more accepting.

The Sam we met in the first half of the book was unaware of the Self vs. Relatedness bind. She simply believed she was doing what needed to be done. In the process, she was praised and valued, but neither she nor anyone else ever stopped to ask, “Where is the real Sam?” Sam’s 2.0 version of mother is quite tuned into this potential bind and is very mindful about Sam developing a genuine self. In these vignettes, this work is showcased around Sam’s interest in writing – a simple, but effective metaphor. At strategic points along the way, Suzanne tuned into the potential loss of self in the service of pleasing (or not displeasing) others. She provided Sam with a safe place to develop her SELF until she was strong enough to engage in relationships while holding onto that valued self. The blog intervention was a great move and the private blog was a second move in that direction at a critical time. Developing a genuine self is not just being able to have your own thoughts and trust them. It also involves an awareness of your own feelings, where they come from and what they mean. And then finding an effective way to put those feelings to good use. Feelings are a message to you of what is right and not right in your life and guide your planning and actions. The development of emotional competence (EC) was greatly supported by Suzanne’s attunement and the private blog space. In suggesting it, her mom was also telling her she was entitled to those feelings and was willing to hear about them when Sam was ready.

Emotions can be messy, you say? Absolutely. And Mom 2.0 made A MESS of Sam emotionally. She was attuned to Sam’s need to explore and express her emotional self, including her darker parts. She knew that doing it where others could react of be judgmental would limit that free exploration. Sam had some self-development work to do, but needed to do it in a safe (private) setting before she was strong enough to hold on to those parts in the face of others’ responses. Well aware of what Sam needed to master, Suzanne created a safe setting for Sam to engage in this process. Not having to worry about Grandma’s reactions or hers provided sufficient safety (soothing) for the engagement to be sustained. The stronger she got, the more Sam could move away from that safety and include others in knowing those parts of her. This was a nice piece of developmental work mom help foster for help Sam develop a genuine self that she could then bring to relationships – one she knew was genuine and one that others could appreciate. At least Grandma did!

An Honest Conversation

“Your blog has been so silent lately. I miss reading your writing there,” Suzanne said one day as she and Sam cleaned up after dinner.

“Yeah,” agreed Sam, “I’ve been writing some private stuff instead on my other blog.”

“I’m glad that you’re (expressing yourself) on your private blog,” Suzanne said. “Poetry?” she asked.

“Of course,” said Sam.

Suzanne smiled. “I’m sure it feels good (to let things out).”

“Yeah,” agreed Sam. “That way I can write about anything I want without scaring you or Grandma.”

“I understand,” said Suzanne. “But I have a confession to make. It also makes me scared when I don’t hear from you on your other blog. That was a good thermometer for me, to keep track of how you’re doing. I feel a little bit lost without it.”

Sam’s eyes widened for a second. Sometimes her mother’s honesty surprised her. “Oh, I’m okay,” she said. “You see me every day, don’t you?”

“Yes, of course,” said Suzanne. “But I also know that you can carry a lot of feelings and worries around with you, even right now while we’re doing dishes, which I may not know about if you don’t talk about them.”

“Well, sometimes I’m not ready to talk about things. I just want to think about them by myself for a while,” Sam said.

“That makes sense,” her mom agreed. “I’m the same way sometimes. But I also know that you’re going through some tough things right now, like with MaryAnn (’s friendship). I hate the thought of you being in pain and the rest of us not knowing.”

“That’s nice,” Sam said. “I mean, I appreciate that you worry about me. But I can handle it.”

“That makes you sound very strong,” Suzanne said. “And I know you are a strong person. But I also know that we all need support, especially during rough times. Wouldn’t you agree?”

Sam thought about it. “I guess,” she said. “Like when we gave Grandma extra love and attention after Grandpa died.”

“Right,” said Suzanne. “That was a very difficult loss, for her and for all of us. And what’s happening with MaryAnn right now is a loss for you. The loss of a very good friend is a big deal. You need support to get through that, too.”

“I don’t Need support,” Sam said. “I mean, I can do it on my own. I just feel sad, that’s all…” She paused. “But I agree that having support is nice.”

“I’m glad you agree,” Suzanne said. “And I have a question for you: What if there were a time when you did feel that a bit more support would be good…” Suzanne purposefully avoided the phrase “needing support” since she recognized that this brought a defensive reaction from Sam, who didn’t like to admit to needing anything. “What if you thought you could use a bit more support, but you felt like nobody noticed that? What would you do then?”

“Sulk,” said Sam, only half jokingly.

Her mom smiled. “And hope we’d figure it out from that?”

“Or that I’d just get over it on my own,” smiled Sam.

“There’s a better way of dealing with it,” Suzanne said.

“And I bet you’ll tell me what it is,” Sam said.

“Of course,” said Suzanne. “I’m glad you asked. I call it reaching out. You see, your family can’t be mind-readers, especially if you’re not posting on your blog for us to see what you’re going through. So, we might miss the fact that you want some extra support. But that’s when you can reach out to any of us and tell us.”

Suzanne touched Sam’s arm. “I know that can be tough. It’s hard to ask for help. We all like to think we can handle things on our own. Sometimes we may even feel like it’s a weakness to ask for help. I know I’ve felt that way sometimes. But, Sam, it’s not weakness. It takes courage to reach out for support. It also shows responsibility, to know what we need in order to take care of ourselves. I believe that we each have a responsibility to reach out to the people we’re close to and ask for support if we need it. What do you think?”

“That’s a lot to think about,” said Sam. “But it makes sense. I guess I’m not very good at reaching out all the time. Like when I ran into my room and hid after Grandpa died.”

“I remember that,” Suzanne said. “But I also remember that after a bit of time on your own, you came out and cuddled and cried with all of us on the couch.

“Yeah. That helped,” Sam remembered.

“And that was a time when we knew we needed support. But there will be other times when something is going on that we don’t know about. What about then? How could you ask for support?” Suzanne asked.

“I guess I could just say I needed a hug,” Sam said.

“Absolutely,” said Suzanne. “Hugs are in good supply around here. And they’re free!”

Sam grinned. “Good thing,” she said. “Or we’d all be broke.”

“Or broken,” Suzanne joked. “So, besides asking for a hug, what else could you do?”

“Just tell you, like when we’re washing dishes. Or write something on my blog for you to see. Heck, or jump up and down in the living room and start screaming.”

Suzanne laughed. “That would get my attention. And you’re right. You could do any number of things – loudly or quietly. The important thing is that you know that you can ask for support whenever and however you want to. I just want to make sure you know that.”

“Thanks, Mom,” Sam said. “Here’s a hug for you – and I won’t even charge you.”

Sam gave her mom a hug and Suzanne felt a sense of ease, that at least for the time being, the connection between her and her daughter was in good shape.

ANALYSIS

Do you think Sam’s mom got a little preachy? Maybe, but that doesn’t mean Sam wasn’t listening and taking it in. Even if Sam didn’t readily ask for Mom’s help with the MaryAnn loss, she probably got the clear message that her mom was aware of the loss, cared about how she was feeling, and was available to talk about it. That’s a great start. Her mom was attuned to what is going on with her. She’s aware of what Sam needs to work through and even outlined the form of engagement that might help. But she is not forcing it on Sam; just reminding her of its availability and benefit.

Not only is Suzanne tuned into her daughter and what has been going on in her life with the loss of her friend, she is also aware of the developmental work her daughter needs to master. These vignettes involving Sam and her mother emphasize a need to develop emotional competence (EC) and communication (COM). Suzanne is also doing a nice job of being empathic (EMP), an essential piece of development that is learned best by being on the receiving end of a parent’s empathy.

Suzanne is outlining the value of a process of engagement, where feelings are talked about. Her mom is well aware of the stages of grieving: denial, bargaining, anger, sadness and acceptance. She is also aware that her daughter is the kind of kid who would just like to go straight to (intellectual) acceptance and skip the messy anger and sadness parts. Just like she encouraged Sam to stay in the class with MaryAnn, a form of necessary engagement that would likely make the grieving unavoidable, now she was offering another piece of engagement that she knew would help her daughter – talking as a means of working through emotional angst. She couldn’t force Sam to talk, but she was asking her to let her know how she was doing, because she knew, given the significance of the loss, that her daughter had to be hurting. Unlike D.J. who likely would have closed his door, minimized the importance of the lost relationship, and immersed himself in some distraction, Sam was more likely to use her poetry to sort out her feelings. But without some more information about how she was doing, her mom was sharing with Sam her worries. That was both a good clear message, as well as a good example of translating emotion (her worrying) into constructive action (asking).

The Real Reason

“I’m glad to see you’re back on your Sam Blog,” Suzanne told Sam a few days later when Sam sat down next to her in the living room.

“Me too,” said Sam. “And I figured something out. I need my alone time on my other blog. For those things I just need to work out myself. But I like sharing things with you and Grandma. I missed that.”

Suzanne smiled at Sam. “You figured out that you need both your sharing time and your alone time. Good for you. Grandma and I will take all the sharing time you have and we know how important the alone time is.”

Sam moved closer to her mom on the couch and put her head on mom’s shoulder.

“Hey, what’s up. Looks like you are carrying around the weight of the world,” Suzanne asked.

Sam nodded. “Yeah… I’ve been thinking. And I made a decision. I’m not going to be in band next year. I think I’m doing too many things and I’m tired of playing the clarinet. I’d rather focus on my writing.”

“Really?” Suzanne asked. “I thought you loved playing the clarinet and being in band.”

“I used to, but not anymore,” Sam said.

“What changed?” Suzanne asked, suspiciously.

“Oh, you know… I just want more time for writing,” Sam said, looking down.

“Is that all?” Suzanne asked, eying her daughter closely. “I have a feeling there’s more to this story. You’ve been totally into band. Loving it. Tell me what’s changed your feelings about it now.” Mom had an idea that she knew the reason, but she wanted Sam to tell her.

“Why is it always so hard to hide anything from you?” Sam asked. “Okay,” she took a deep breath. “It’s MaryAnn. I hate being in band with her and watching her flirt with her dumb boyfriend every day.”

“Ah Ohhh,” said Suzanne. “She’s been your best friend forever.”

“Band isn’t any fun anymore,” Sam said, now everything pouring out. “I don’t like being in class and I’m sick of playing the clarinet. Anyhow, I have other things to do.” She looked at her mom. “You like it when I write. I can spend more time writing if I’m not practicing the clarinet. And I could take a different elective next year, like speech class.”

“It must be really hard to be in band with her acting differently,” her mom said.

Staying with her new plan, Sam said, “If I want to become a really good writer, I need to devote all my free time to it.”

“There’s nothing wrong with being passionate about your writing,” Suzanne said slowly. “But I do think there’s something wrong with your reason for dropping out of band. What do you think it is?”

Sam shrugged. “I don’t know.”

“I think you can do better than that…” Suzanne prompted. She waited.

Sam knew that her Mom could outwait her, so after a while she said, “You don’t like me to quit.”

“That’s right,” Suzanne said. “I don’t like you to quit. But it’s even more than that. Why don’t I want you to quit?”

“Because you like that I’m in band and that I play the clarinet. You think it’s good for me.”

“True,” Suzanne said. “But keep going. There’s even more. This is about YOUR REASON for wanting to give those things up.”

“I don’t know,” Sam said.

Her mom waited.

“Okay,” Sam sighed. “You don’t like that I’m quitting band to get away from MaryAnn.”

“Now we’re getting somewhere,” Suzanne said. “And why not?”

“I don’t know,” Sam said. “I really don’t. And I’m sick of your questions. ” She started to get up from the chair.

“Okay,” Suzanne said. “No more questions. Just listen for a minute. I’ll tell you my thoughts.”

“It must feel horrible to sit there everyday and feel ignored. And not just ignored, but to have MaryAnn be all goo-goo over some boy,” her mom started.

“Goo-goo,” Sam asked.

“Yeah. Goo-goo, like syrupy, sappy, … like where did her brain go? Goo-goo,” her mom repeated.

“Yeah. It’s like I don’t exist. and … I just want to do something mean to that boy. What’s so special about him? I’m her best friend. At least I thought I was,” Sam started sobbing.

“You sound hurt and angry and betrayed,” Suzanne echoed. “That must feel awful to have to sit there in that class. I can understand why you would want to get out of there.”

“Then why are you telling me not to quit band,” Sam asked.

“Well, you said you weren’t interested in clarinet anymore and wanted to spend more time writing. But it sounds like you want to get away from a situation that makes you feel really hurt and angry,” Suzanne said.

“Wouldn’t you,” Sam asked.

“Yeah. I can think of a number of times when I just wanted out. My boyfriend in high school dumped me and we were in all the same classes. They were all the best classes, so I couldn’t just switch,” she explained.

“But I can switch,” Sam said. “I’m switching from one good thing to another.”

“Do you want my right-between-the-eyes analysis of why you are switching classes,” Suzanne asked.

“I think I am going to get in sooner or later, because you won’t be able to …”

“You know me too well. I think you want to do what any reasonable person would want. You are trying to get away from intolerable feelings, as quickly as you can,” her mom explained.

“The problem is MaryAnn and the way she is treating me,” Sam objected.

“Do you think MaryAnn is trying to be mean to you,” Suzanne asked.

“I don’t know if she is trying, but she is doing a pretty good job,” Sam said.

“I don’t think she is trying to be mean. I think she’s just boy crazy,” Suzanne said.

“You can say that again. But if somebody is a friend, they don’t ignore you,” Sam objected.

“They do if they are boy crazy,” Suzanne laughed.

“Well, I’m not and I’d be crazy to stay in that class and let her keep ignoring me,” Sam said, returning to her original plan.

“It was hard, but I am glad I stayed in my classes in high school, despite having to see Devil Boy everyday,” Suzanne said.

“Still an open wound, Mom,” Sam asked.

“No, but I prefer to remember him by Devil Boy rather than J.R.,” she said. “Besides, the initials D.B. line up with more descriptive words than J.R.”

“So you stayed in your classes and stayed angry,” Sam said.

“For a long time I did,” her mom said. “And then for a long time I was just sad. It took a long time before I noticed I had gone a whole week without lynching him in the margins of my note taking.”

“I’m not sure I can sit there that long and feel that bad,” Sam said.

“Yeah. I know. It’s hard. But running away from bad feelings is not a solution either,” Suzanne said.

“Do you think MaryAnn knows what she is doing to me,” Sam asked.

“I doubt it. She was never mean to you before, was she,” Suzanne reminded her.

“So she doesn’t have a clue she is a mean, back stabbing, bitch,” Sam smiled.

“Doubt it. Boy crazy is a pretty serious disease. It doesn’t clog your arteries, but it clogs your brain,” Suzanne explained.

“I think I’ll skip it,” Sam said.

“We’ll see,” Suzanne laughed. “Why don’t you go to band all next week and then we’ll talk again. You know? I’ll bet there will be some urges to write poems that come out of your Band Hell.”

“Oh, so I should stay because it will be good material for the tortured artist,” Sam whined.

“Yeah. That works for me. How about you,” her mom asked.

“You’re not the one being tortured,” Sam said.

“You could easily turn our conversation into a great poem I bet,” Suzanne suggested.

“Yeah. A poem using only B words: Bitch, Bastard, Betrayal, and Band. Guess this is going on the private blog. I don’t think Grandma wants to see the Bitchy me,” Sam said.

“She’s seen it before,” her mom laughed.

“Mom,” Sam objected.

“Not you. Me. Grandma had to live through my adolescence,” Suzanne laughed.

ANALYSIS

This was a tough one, for both Sam and her mother. Suzanne could certainly empathize with Sam’s pain and her wish to get out that class. Perhaps because Mom 2.0 had lived through a similar hell in high school, she knew how it felt but also knew the need for Sam to stay engaged. She knew how important clarinet and band were to her and it was important she was there to hold on to that understanding when the powerful urge to escape the pain took over. Perhaps because of her own experience, she knew it was important for Sam to stay engaged with her grieving process instead of trying to skip it. Suzanne’s attunement led to her encouragement for Sam to stay engaged and learn to self-soothe. This would be a very valuable piece of developing emotional competence (EC). Sam will learn, in the end, that she can survive these feelings that in the moment feel intolerable. That builds resilience that will sustain her through many more losses coming her way in adolescence and adulthood.

Mom 2.0 recognized the common wish on everyone’s part to use an external solution to solve an internal problem. Leaving band would have made it easier to go to school everyday, but it would not have promoted emotional competence. The problem was not MaryAnn’s behavior. The problem was Sam’s intolerable pain. Mom helped her find the strength to endure the uncomfortable feelings of anger and sadness that would come with staying engaged in Band. Besides, she loved playing the clarinet and her mom knew that she would regret giving that up. Oh, the things we do to escape the pain of the moment. As you can see, Mom 2.0 really made A MESS of Sam by helping her stay engaged with Band.

Was this a Self vs. Relatedness Bind? You tell me. Sam was certainly about to make some serious compromises of self to avoid her bad feelings. But she was also going to suffer even more relationship loss if she followed through. We can see how this would pay dividends in the future in terms of Self and Relatedness. How many guys or girls desperately attempt to hold on to relationships, unwilling to tolerate loss? Knowing she could live through this kind of loss can only make Sam stronger in the future and less vulnerable to compromising herself to hold on to a partner at all costs.

Suzanne could easily have told Sam to stay in band because, “We don’t quit what we start”. That is a valuable lesson. It would have had much of the same benefit, in that she would not have abandoned her clarinet and band interests. It would have been one of those executive decisions based on parental wisdom and taking an authoritative stance. The mom above took an authoritative stance, but she got there by helping Sam recognize how bad she was feeling and the urgency to move was to escape how bad she felt. In other words, she kept the conflict in the kid, where it belonged, instead of it being a “Mom says I need to stay in the class” issue. The conflict was about Sam’s wish to continue with things she was passionate about (clarinet and band) and the wish to escape the intolerable feelings of anger and sadness she felt while staying in class. Suzanne made her aware of the conflict, yet gave her support for hanging in there and working through it. Parents can see the (boy crazy, girl crazy) train wreck coming from miles away. And those of us who were the ones left behind can easily empathize with how it feels to get blindsided, like Sam did. For those of you who were the MaryAnn’s at that point in life? Just remember, we never forget.

Alternate Ending

Suzanne could easily have gone in a different direction with her response to quitting the band. See what you think of this version. It picks up after the next two lines:

“I don’t know,” Sam said. “I really don’t. And I’m sick of your questions. ” She started to get up from the chair.

“Okay,” Suzanne said. “No more questions. Just listen for a minute. I’ll tell you my thoughts.”

Sam sat down.

“The reason I think quitting band is wrong is that you would be giving up something that you’ve loved in order to avoid a tough personal situation with MaryAnn. That’s a big sacrifice for you. It seems like too big a sacrifice.” Suzanne paused. “What if I said I was going to stop doing pottery because one of the people in my class said she didn’t like one of the bowls I had made?”

“I’d say you should tell her you don’t like her bowls either,” said Sam. “And you shouldn’t quit. You make cool things.”

“Thanks,” said Suzanne. “Sometimes it’s easier to see things when you’re looking at others’ situations instead of your own. You can tell me not to quit because you know that it wouldn’t be right for me to give up my pottery making because of one rude person in my class. But you’re doing the same thing in your situation with Sandy.”

“You don’t have to look at her flirting with that stupid boyfriend every day!” Sam said.

“No, I don’t,” agreed Suzanne. “But I know that it’s not right for you to quit band because of the uncomfortable situation. Instead, let’s think of other ways to deal with the situation, ways that honor your needs and who you are. Can you think of any ideas?”

“I don’t know,” Sam said. “You’re asking too many questions again.”

“Okay,” said Suzanne. “Let’s talk this through together. You are feeling hurt because MaryAnn has changed. She’s growing and developing new interests, and it hurts you to see MaryAnn in band class paying attention to her boyfriend instead of you. Is that right?”

“Yes,” Sam moaned.

“So, the problem is that you are wishing for the old MaryAnn back, but she’s not there anymore.”

“I guess,” said Sam.

“Well, I wonder if it would help to start thinking about MaryAnn as a different person. Like someone new who just joined band. The old MaryAnn has moved away, and that’s sad for you. But she really is gone, different, and maybe you just need to say goodbye to her.” Mom looked at Sam to see how she was reacting. “And maybe you can look at this new MaryAnn as a different person. And you can decide whether you want to be her friend, or just coexist with her in class.”

“But she IS MaryAnn, and she’s ignoring me, and I CAN’T coexist with her,” Sam said.

“You are giving MaryAnn a lot of responsibility for you,” Suzanne said. “You are letting her dictate how you feel. Do you think it’s right to give her all of that power or responsibility?”

“I don’t know,” said Sam.

“What I think,” Suzanne said, “Is that we are all responsible for our own happiness. So if you are responsible for your happiness, you shouldn’t give MaryAnn or anyone else that power. It’s up to you to figure out how to make the situation work so that you’re okay with it – without giving up band in the process. Do you have any other ideas,” Mom asked.

Sam sulked. “No. And you’re right. MaryAnn is like a different person. And I don’t think I’ll get her back – not the way she was.”

“That’s sad,” Suzanne said.

“Yeah,” said Sam. “It is. But I guess I just need to accept it.”

“Yeah,” said Suzanne. “I know it’s hard.”

“It is,” Sam said. “But okay. I’ll do my best to just try to think of the old MaryAnn as being gone, and I’ll try – just TRY, because I don’t know if it’ll work – to coexist in band with the new MaryAnn.”

“Good for you,” Suzanne said. “All you can do is try. If it doesn’t work for you, we can meet right back here again and figure out something else. Okay?”

“Okay,” Sam said. “I guess I should go practice my clarinet, hmm?”

“Good idea,” said Suzanne.

ANALYSIS

What do you think of this response? How does it compare with the earlier one? Which one seems to resonate more for you? In this version, her mom is much more direct. She clearly tells Sam what she thinks is going on – that Sam is avoiding unbearable feelings by quitting band. Then she suggests a way of dealing with the situation – recognizing that MaryAnn has changed. Do you think this will work? It may, if Sam is rather intellectual and she can use her reasoning to control how she feels. But chances are, it will be more difficult than mom expects. In essence, she is asking Sam to recognize that this is a loss for her brought on by a (developmental) change in her friend. She is offering Sam an explanation and then hopes that Sam will find a way to accept it, given that understanding. But that is rather wishful thinking. In the previous approach, Suzanne respects Sam’s need to grieve the loss. In this version, she is hoping Sam can simply go straight to acceptance and not have to suffer with so much anger and sadness. Her mom was aware of the feelings, but she was also trying to spare her too much suffering. To her credit, she knew that she needed to block Sam’s exit – avoidance of seemingly unbearable pain. She also explained to Sam that she understood what she was going through, because she had been there herself. But this version of Suzanne, 2.1, relied more on intellectual/reasoning solutions than emotional ones.

Home Debates – Arguing vs. Fighting

I warned you Sam’s father was a leader, with plenty of ideas (that others should follow). We need to cut him some slack. At least he wasn’t an absentee father, out running for Congress, and leaving his girls to raise themselves. So let’s see what he has up his sleeve now in terms of what they need.

As the girls grew, the family’s dinner table debates evolved into a one night a week Debating Society. Vic had implemented a structure to the proceedings. He would bring up an issue, and the girls would choose a side and present their initial arguments. After the initial arguments, which included a large number of questions from Vic, he’d ask them to do some research to better support their arguments at the next week’s meeting. Meetings would proceed with further arguments, more questions, and then more research, with each debate lasting around a month. By staying with each issue for an extended period of time, Vic wanted to encourage the girls to pursue depth of thought and learn to support their opinions.

The girls enjoyed this time together. Angie tended to be better at initial arguments, given her outspoken, emotional nature. But Sam came back strong with thorough research and good supporting debate.

Sometimes, however, Sam’s tendency to avoid conflict still came up, especially in dealing with her temperamental sister.

“She’s being too loud. And mean,” Sam complained. She’d gotten up from the table and was starting to walk away. Their debate about how to make peace in the Middle East, with her sister’s heated shouting about making the Israelis give up their settlements on the West Bank, made Sam feel like she were one of the Israelis being attacked. Sam guessed that if her loud, irritating sister was transported to the Middle East right now, the whole issue would be taken care of in no time.

“Your sister does tend to speak loudly when she’s emotional about an issue,” Vic said. “But you also said that she’s being mean. What is she doing that feels mean?” Vic asked her.

“She’s making faces at me and acting like she wants to hit me,” Sam said.

“So how does that feel to you?” Vic asked.

“It makes me feel like she’s attacking me,” Sam said.

“So you feel like she’s attacking you personally instead of arguing about the topic?” Vic prompted.

“Yeah,” Sam said.

Their father looked at Angie. “What are your thoughts about that?” he asked.

“I’m just arguing my point,” Angie said. “It’s not my fault she can’t take a good argument.”

“Sometimes an emotional argument can feel like a personal attack,” Vic said.

“It IS a personal attack” Sam said. “She’ll find any excuse to try to hurt me.” Sam began to walk away again.

“I understand that heated arguments can feel hurtful, like personal attacks,” Suzanne said. “But, Sam, is walking away from the argument going to help?”

Sam shrugged. It would feel good to go hide in her room.

“That’s the thing,” Vic explained. “If you walk away, you’re giving up on the idea you’re arguing for. It’s up to you to let your voice be heard, in this case, for the sake of the Israelis who will be asked to leave their homes on the West Bank. When I am in court, I have the responsibility to make an argument on behalf of my client. In a debate, like this, you have a responsibility to make your argument heard for the sake of the idea you’re fighting for. ‘

“I don’t like to fight,” Sam said. “I’d rather just write poetry in my room.

“There’s nothing wrong with poetry,” her Dad said. “But arguing has its place too. For example, what if someone tried to build a home on our land? How should you respond to that?

“She’d probably go to her room and write poetry,” Angie piped in.

Sam gave her a glare. “I would not!” she said. “I’d tell them to leave our land alone and go away.”

“Right,” Vic said. “You’d need to speak up. Talk to the person,” he said. “But you’d also need to work the problem using a logical argument – not just by giving the person a direct orderIt’s really hard to stick with debating ideas when someone is attacking your person. I know I just want to haul off and get even with them,” Vic admitted. “You know what I figured out? I realized that when someone is attacking me personally, it probably means they are having trouble coming up with good arguments for my ideas. What do you think of that?”

“I think that’s true. Whenever an argument is not going her way, Angie says something insulting,” Sam observed.

“That’s not so, you little suck up,” Angie snarled.

“Now, now, girls,” their mother said.

“See what I mean,” Sam said.

“You’re no angel yourself, little Miss Goodie-Goodie,” Angie countered.

“Girls. Stop this right now. Can you see how this has become a fight, not an argument,” Vic asked.

“No kidding. Like it always does,” Sam said.

“Yeah,” said Angie.

“You two are not Israeli or Palestinian, yet you have become very passionate about what you are arguing about. That’s really neat. As long as you find a way to take your passion and put it into hard work and skillful debating,” he summarized. “I suggest we take a break and then have a final session on this subject next Thursday night.”

“Just wait,” Sam warned her sister.

“You and your stupid settlements are going down next week, girl,” Angie warned.

ANALYSIS

With the “dinner table debating society”, Sam’s father has introduced an interesting learning process for the family. Debate is clearly an activity that he has enjoyed and employs in his work as an attorney. But it also has value for both of his daughters. Sam’s sister is emotional and opinionated and feels no reluctance about voicing her wishes and opinions. Fighting with her parents or bullying her sister must have some payoff, because she continues to do it. Although she can be hard on the people around her, she will be able to stand up for herself out in the world. Yet many people will avoid her because she can be so strong willed and intolerant. Teaching her to argue and not just fight will be helpful for her in the long run, personally and interpersonally. It will teach her to listen more carefully, to think more logically, and to translate her strong emotions into productive actions.

Sam has been reluctant to go toe-to-toe with her sister. She doesn’t like conflict and when things get emotional, she just wants to give in and make peace, or retreat to her room. In her other relationships, she is adept at anticipating the needs of others and meeting them. Although this has made her a wonderful helper and high achiever, it has done little to promote her own genuine interests and feelings. Within the structure of debating or arguing, Sam can feel less threatened by her sister’s emotional attacks. There are rules for behavior and browbeating is not tolerated. Within the structure of debating/arguing, Sam can learn to give voice to her opinions. She can learn that her ability to think logically and do sufficient research to back up her opinions has value. She can also learn that even after an initial emotional onslaught, she does not have to give up. She can collect her thoughts, gather evidence, and come back stronger the next time.

If this process goes as intended, Sam will learn that she can figure out what she genuinely feels and believes and can give voice to it. It will be helpful if their debate topics are some that Sam chooses. Sam’s sister has no problem knowing what she is interested in and passionate about. She just needs to translate that passion into a more socially acceptable form. Sam, on the other hand, needs to discover what she is passionate about and let that motivate her, rather than just trying to avoid conflict and disappointment. The time in between debates during the month is valuable to each of the girls in that respect.

The distinction between fighting and arguing is an important one. Learning to argue, as Vic realizes, is a valuable skill. Fighting, as the family has experienced with Sam’s sister, can be destructive. If fighting can be translated into effective arguing, that will be very helpful to this family. Learning that arguing is a healthy form of expression and means of making her world work better is good for Sam. Pushing against limits with effective arguing is a healthy process for kids. In the process they learn that they can effect change. They also learn what the bases for rules and limits are and what it will take on their part to have them altered. For instance, self-regulation results in fewer external limits being needed.

Fighting on the other hand, as Sam’s sister is finding, usually makes people upset and defensive. Unfortunately, giving in to quiet her has sometimes been the expedient solution, which only gives Angie the message that its worth doing and Sam the message that it’s the only was to keep peace. Vicious cycles have started with less kindling than this.

(See Parent Toolkit piece on Fighting vs. Arguing)

The Girls Team Up

The family dinner table debate team had been going strong for over a year. Then, after one particularly intense debate in which their father had set the two girls against each other arguing for or against abortion, the girls decided it was time for a change.

“Hey, why do Angie and I always have to argue against each other?” asked Sam. “It makes me feel like I’ve been through a war after I’m done debating with her.”

“She is a bit ferocious,” her Dad laughed. “I don’t know if I’d want to go up against that kind of passion either.”

Angie laughed, “If you strap on the gloves, girl, be prepared to get knocked down.”

“You see,” said Sam. “It’s not fair to me to always be in the ring with Angie. Can’t we do something different?”

“What did you have in mind?” Vic asked.

“I think she wants to be on my team,” Angie said. “She’s realized that she can’t beat me.”

“Angie. Do you think you won this last debate,” Suzanne asked, with a smile.

“Well, that’s because Sam had the side of the debate (topic) that was right,” Angie responded.

“But I still feel like I’ve been beaten on,” said Sam. “Anyhow, what if I do want to be on Angie’s team? With her killer instinct, er rather, her intensity and my research skills, we’d be unbeatable.”

“Sounds like a great idea. Whom are you two going to debate,” their dad asked.

“Whom? You-mmm, of course,” Angie said, with a big Cheshire cat grin.

“Angie and I against you and Mom,” Sam began.

“And we pick the topic,” Angie blurted.

“Yeah. Good idea, sis,” Sam said.

The girls looked at each other and smiled. “What do you think?” Sam asked Angie.

“The fight is on!” said Angie.

“And I think I know a topic,” said Sam.

They all looked at her, waiting.

“Capital punishment,” she said.

“Oh my,” said Vic. “I’ve been holding off on that one. It’s a whopper.”

“Exactly,” Sam said. “It’s time to take it on.”

“Which side do you want to argue,” asked Vic. “For or against?”

The girls looked at each other. They knew from other debates that they both leaned toward arguing for human rights.

“Against it,” Angie said, speaking for both of them.

“Okay, then,” their father agreed. “We better get started.”

“You better get started,” their mother said. “I think it is a great idea, but I think I will serve as moderator, not participant.”

“Threatened, are you,” her husband asked.

“No. Just want to be able to cheer for my girls,” she answered.

“Fine moderator you are going to make,” he responded. “I’d better get started with my research. This is going to be a tough one. We’ll reconvene in a week?”

“Remember dear. I’m the moderator,” their mom clarified.

ANALYSIS

Their dad may live to regret his debate club idea. He needs to be careful what he asks for. In creating the dinner hour debate, his aim (based on his assessment of his two girls) was to promote growth in each of them, but in different areas. For Angie, he was teaching her the difference between fighting and arguing. The latter would serve her well in life, both in relationships and in her career. The former had led others to stay clear of her and label her as hard to live with (or be friends with). Sometimes it felt like having a relationship with Angie was conditional, as in “her way or the highway”. Nobody wanted to be on the receiving end of her anger. Angie would not have called it anger. She would have labeled it as passion. Learning to passionately argue, instead of fight, has been very helpful for Angie.

In a fight, ferocity and threat carry weight. But in an argument, eloquence and logic are more useful. In the course of debating Sam, Angie was forced to recognize the value of research and logic for winning arguments. Especially when she was forced to take physical intimidation out of the equation and play by a set of rules. Communication (COM) and logical thinking (LT) were two very important developmental skills promoted by Dad’s dinner debates. Emotional competence (EC) was also part of Angie’s development, because she had to learn to soothe herself enough to stay engaged in the debate. In fights, she used intimidation to force a quick end to whatever urgency she felt. The debates, especially because they lasted over the course of a month, required her to stay engaged in a process, and develop emotional self-control to do so.

You can probably guess Vic’s agenda for Sam. She was reluctant to stay engaged with Angie, especially when her sister was emotional. There interactions often felt like fights or having the potential to go there if Sam didn’t just agree and go along with whatever Angie wanted. Sam was not only afraid of Angie’s anger, she was afraid of her own. To allow herself to feel passionate enough about something that led to get angry about it, she risked her sister’s wrath (or people’s disappointment). Dinner debates were not an attempt to get Sam in touch with her anger. Rather, it was a safe setting in which to engage her sister and stay engaged, instead of avoiding or accommodating her (out of fear of her anger). Within the safety of the debate format, Sam could stay engaged with her sister and know that Angie’s anger would not be out of control or harmful. She could learn to soothe herself enough to go head-to-head with her sister over something she felt strongly about.

Although Vic often picked the debate topics, he deferred to their choices when they arose. Sam learned to listen to her own thoughts and feelings about what she strongly believed were right and then had a clear means of expressing it. She also found that she could be a very effective debater due to her willingness to do the research necessary to support her ideas. It quickly became clear that, after week one, Sam had a real advantage due to her research and writing abilities. No longer was she cowered by Angie’s intensity. She simply took good notes and plotted her comeback. Over the course of the year, Sam made real strides in communication (COM), logical thinking (LT), and emotional competence (EC).

Both girls’ enhanced their self-esteems (GSE) as a result of the family debating process. Sam learned to trust her own voice and knew she could express it. Angie learned that she could go after what she felt strongly about, without alienating people (and having them think she was mean). It was also meaningful, not just in a relationship (REL) sense, but a GSE sense as well, that the two girls learned to argue with each other, but do it respectfully. In the process, they gained greater respect for each other. The qualities that had previously driven a wedge between them became qualities to admire: like Angie’s emotional intensity and Sam’s logical thinking.

Vic showed a great deal of growth over the 1.0 version we saw earlier in the book. This version of dad was willing to listen. He had plenty of ideas, in both versions, but the dad above knew that you don’t just put good ideas into a kid, you allow those good ideas to be embraced through a process of active discovery. For example, he could easily wear himself out yelling at Angie about her anger and mistreatment of her sister. He could also continue giving Sam good advice about achievements that lead to success. But instead of telling, he was showing, and instead of him showing, he was letting them discover – via debates. By creating a set of rules governing debate, he created a scaffold that assured engagement. By having the debate topic last for a month, he ensured another form of sustained engagement that promoted growth in research, logical thinking, and communication. That was far more effective than telling his daughter to get back in the fray with Angie and use more logic. Sam would have continued avoiding or acquiescing if all she got from her dad was advice.

Summing up

What do you think of Version 2 Samantha? Not quite the same path taken by Little Miss Perfect we saw in the first part of the book. But that’s good. Remember, that story ended with the girl everyone thought was perfect feeling perfectly miserable. Sam had been perfect at being what everyone wanted or expected of her. Her drunken tantrum revealed a set of feelings she had kept silent for too long. Unfortunately, at that critical moment when she may have been ready to reflect upon her unhappiness and false-self existence, her parents were clueless or self-absorbed.

Her parents treated Sam’s meltdown and flight to the Florida Panhandle as a fluke occurrence, one to be quickly forgotten or swept under the rug. For her mother, the Perfect Girl was a reflection of herself. She was not willing to relinquish that image or have it threatened. Sam’s father chose not to look too deeply at his own life and did the same with Sam, who was cut from the same cloth. Neither parent had the psychological insight or sensitivity to stop and ask Sam how she was genuinely feeling and what was troubling her.

The version 2 parents were attuned to their daughter. They were also aware of their own tendencies to presume to know what is best (for Sam). Quick to make suggestions and give advice, her father came to recognize the need to let his daughters figure things out for themselves. Her mother also came to recognize that her tendency to want certain outcomes could stifle Sam’s search for her own ideas and voice. The Sam in Part 1 was very good at reading others and knowing what they needed or expected. The change in her parents in Part 2 reflected an appreciation of the consequences of Sam’s attunement. They meshed that with a better understanding of how their expectations could influence Sam. As a result, both parents were far better at containing their own urgencies to act and far more skilled at drawing out Sam’s ideas and opinions. In short, they helped her find the voice that was silent in version 1.

Whereas Sam’s version 1 parents made a mess, the version 2 of her parents made A MESS. With a better understanding of himself and his daughter, Sam’s father curtailed his advice giving and created opportunities for Sam to gain mastery in communication, logical thinking, and genuine self-esteem. Aware of Sam’s tendency to avoid conflict or defer to the wishes of others, he created structure and encouraged processes that promoted sustained engagement with problems and ideas. As Sam gained competence, her confidence grew and she was able to soothe herself as she engaged in debates and arguments with her father, sister and people outside the family.

Sam’s father taught her self-soothing in ways that drew upon her strengths. The attributes that made her good at coming through for others could serve her own needs as well. By encouraging her to stay engaged, he helped her tolerate the initial discomfort created by disagreements or arguing, especially with someone as emotional or assertive as her sister. With that kind of support and encouragement with sustained engagement, Sam learned to tolerate initial discomfort as she figured out what she needed to do, whether it was constructing an argument or finding needed information or developing an alternative plan for the next encounter.

Her mother made A MESS in her own way. She created safe places for Sam to express herself, whether it was story telling in the car or blogging on her laptop. Mindful of Sam’s tendency to tune in too much to others’ thoughts and feelings, her mother controlled those influences as she helped Sam stay engaged in developing her own voice. Providing Sam with a private blog space was a good example of the kind of structure that allowed for sustained engagement with free expression without worry of the consequences. As her writing improved and she began to value her own voice, she was then able to risk greater openness (because she could soothe herself) and hold to (or stay engaged) with her ideas and opinions.