Sophie’s Possible Future

The Power of Passion and Purpose – Sophie

As you recall, Sophie’s fear of abandonment left her clinging to unhealthy relationships or fighting with anyone who challenged those choices. Given that pattern, we should not be surprised that she was pregnant by age seventeen and battling with her mother about whether to keep her baby. Sophie’s mother, Kristen, had her as a teenager and knows how hard it can be, even with a committed boyfriend. Sophie’s ‘boyfriend’, Sean, hasn’t been heard from since she announced the pregnancy. As you can tell, abandonment issues continue to impact Sophie. But, in this last section of the book, we will see how that issue becomes a strength rather than a vulnerability. Sophie’s determination to have her baby and raise her gives her a positive passionate sense of purpose that she lacked until this point. But a shift in attitude is not enough, not when there are so many forces working against her and so many competencies she has yet to develop. Watch how Kristen and a charismatic school counselor, Ms. Weber, provide Sophie with the support to sustain the difficult engagement with learning to be a good mother and finishing school.

Ms. Weber

As the first vignette opens we find Sophie in Ms. Weber’s counseling office not sure she wants to stay in a setting where she feels judged and alienated. Now that her pregnancy is beginning to show, she feels the urge to escape the constant feelings of shame, loneliness, and rejection.

“Is that that famous bridge?” asked Sophie, pointing to the picture on Ms. Weber’s desk.

“Yeah, the Golden Gate Bridge in San Francisco,” her counselor answered.

“When were you out there?”

“Actually, I’ve never been to San Francisco.”

“So, you’ve got a sister, like me.”

“No, that’s my daughter, Sophie,” she said proudly. “Those girls in the picture are her roommates from college.”

“Seriously? How can that be? She looks too old …”

“I had her when I was sixteen. Lots of people think we’re sisters. Keeps me feeling young,” Ms. Weber laughed.

“But you are young.”

“Thank you.”

“I mean … sixteen? That’s younger than me,” Sophie said, surprised at what Ms. Weber had just revealed.

“Will you be eighteen by the time your baby is born?”

“Not quite. Ms. Weber, I never knew you had a daughter. I didn’t think you were married.”

“Yes, I’m the proud mother of a daughter, and no I am not married.”

“So you did everything in the wrong order, just like me,” Sophie observed.

“What do you mean?”

“Well, you got pregnant before you finished school or got married.”

“Yeah, I sure did.”

“But you’re a counselor.”

“Yeah. I did it the hard way. It wasn’t easy – getting my high school diploma, going to college, raising my daughter,” Ms. Weber said.

“And your daughter went to college too.”

“Yes, I am very proud of her. She chose to skip the pregnancy part, though,” Ms. Weber laughed.

“Good for her. Did you just put that picture up so I’d see it?”

“No … that picture has been there for a while. It’s there to remind me why I became a counselor. My daughter would not be standing there as a happy college graduate with great friends if I hadn’t done the hard work I did.”

“So you are like the bridge in the background, eh Ms. Weber?” chimed in Sophie.

“See, I told you, you were a smart girl,” Ms. Weber smiled. “I never made that connection with the bridge before. Now I’m going to like that picture even more.”

“That’s why you are so determined for me to stay in school.”

“When I was your age, my school didn’t want a pregnant teen walking around the halls. They just wanted me to quietly disappear,” Ms. Weber explained.

“And did you?”

“Yeah, I did. I didn’t feel like I had a choice. But now I’m mad that I did,” Ms. Weber explained. “I lost five good years of my life, working my butt off, with never enough money.”

“How did you get to college?”

“Well, I realized I was smarter than the fools I was working for, so I told myself I had to get out of that mess,” Ms. Weber explained.

“But how did you?”

“Well, I worked in the kitchen during the day and went to school at night and my mom helped watch my daughter.”

“Wow. That must have been hard.”

“It was, but then I got a scholarship and a job at the university and it was much better after that first year.”

“So that’s what you think I should do, isn’t it?” Sophie observed.

“Well, I think you should skip the five year detour part, but yeah, I think you should stay in school. It’s the best thing you can do for your baby and for you.”

“But everyone will know. I don’t want to be stared at and laughed at.”

“Yeah, there’s plenty of that. You’ll have to figure out how to handle that,” Ms. Weber reminded her.

“I just feel so humiliated when I walk into the school. It’s like every kid knows my story.”

“It is up to you to write a new story. You’ll have a new baby you are responsible for. What kind of story do you want for her?”

“I hear what you are saying, but I don’t know if I’m as strong as you,” Sophie said.

“I wasn’t very strong when I was sixteen. But I wish I had stayed in school. I’d like to have those five years to do over differently,” Ms. Weber explained.

“Ever wish you didn’t get pregnant?”

“Well, at the time I did; but not now. I’ve got the best daughter a mother could want. I’ve got a job I love. And, if and when I’m a grandmother, I’ll be young enough to play with them without breaking a bone or two.”

“You honestly think I can do what you did?” Sophie asked.

“I do. You’re a smart girl, and you’ve got me to push you. I never had anyone pushing me,” Ms. Weber explained.

“You mean, believing in me?” Sophie said.

“Believing … and Pushing,” she laughed.

Sophie had always liked Ms. Weber. But today, their relationship felt closer. Sophie had someone who knew exactly how she felt, what she was up against, yet had handled it successfully. And she believed Sophie could handle it as well, even if Sophie had her own doubts. Ms. Weber is one of the charismatic adults in Sophie’s life who will help her find a sense of purpose.

Ms. Weber was well aware of how hard it would be for Sophie to handle the challenges of staying in school. In the beginning, Ms. Weber will hold the vision of what Sophie can accomplish, even if Sophie can’t. The “believing” they joked about is the (I can) part of the Magic Formula. Ms. Weber knew that she would have to provide a holding environment that could support Sophie until she gained enough competence and confidence that she could stay engaged in all the challenges ahead of her – staying in school and raising a child. She also knew from personal experience that nothing could provide the (I want) part of the equation quite as much as the wish to do what is best for her baby. Ms. Weber was genuinely proud of her daughter and in sharing this pride she was offering that possibility for Sophie’s future. Ms. Weber was reminding Sophie that her life now had real purpose. And, given what we know about her, it is not surprising that Sophie would act more responsibly on behalf of her new baby than on her own behalf.

One office talk does not a responsible mother make. We know that. Let’s see what it took to get Sophie to follow through with her desire to be a good mother to her new baby. As we saw in the last vignette, Ms. Weber told Sophie that they were both in the same spot at this time in Sophie’s life – pregnant and a long way from finishing school. Kristen also shared that point in time, and she wanted to spare Sophie the hardships she had faced. But in doing so, Kristen was repeating the mistakes she had long made with Sophie – ignoring her concerns about abandonment. If Kristen reflected upon her daughter’s personality, she would realize that Sophie was not going to abandon her new baby. If she dug in her heals as a little girl when it came to rescuing stray animals, what did she think was going to happen with a baby of her own. Abandonment was always a core concern for Sophie. Giving up her baby for adoption would have felt like an abandonment, and pushing that recommendation on her felt like an abandonment of her by her mother. To put the baby up for adoption may have made good sense to Kristen given her appreciation of her daughter’s lack of resilience and self-discipline, but pushing that solution ignored Sophie’s basic core.

Abortion was never an option for Kristen, but she had strongly pushed for Sophie to consider adoption. Although well-intentioned, those suggestions only seemed to drive a deeper wedge between mother and daughter. As you might have guessed, Sophie felt abandoned and enraged whenever adoption was suggested.

There is probably a more sophisticated psychological term for, “If you can’t lick ‘em, join ‘em”, but that is exactly what Kristen has decided to do in the next vignette. Good for her, because in so doing, she will enter into Sophie’s world – where relationships come first – and begin to help her build a self that needs to be strong enough to provide a healthy relationship for her new baby. Good move Grandma Kristen. Just in time!

Sophie’s World

“Soph, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking,” Kristen began.

“Oh, oh … now what?” responded Sophie.

“I’ve been talking with Ms. Weber.”

“Am I in trouble?”

“Should you be?”

“What gives you the right to go talking with Ms. Weber? You’re probably trying to get her to agree with you too,” Sophie began, ready to launch into yet another argument with Kristen over the future of her baby.

“Hold on Sophie. Just listen to me for a second. It’s obvious you aren’t going to change your mind.”

“Here we go again. Mom, I’m keeping my baby”

“I understand. You’re going to do this, with or without my blessing,” Kristen continued.

“Yeah.”

“Well, I don’t know if I am ready to give you my blessing, but I am ready to give you my support.”

Without turning to look her mom in the eye, Sophie asked, “Is this you talking or Ms. Weber?”

“Me.”

“I don’t understand. I thought arguing about this was how we started our mornings,” Sophie said, sarcastically, not quite grasping what her mother was trying to say.

“Sophie, if you are going to keep this baby and raise it, then you need to be all in with your commitment … and I need to as well.”

“Seriously, mom?” Now she spun around to look directly at Kristen. “You are going along with it?”

“Yeah.”

“I don’t understand. You have been SO against it. Are you still going to feel this way tomorrow?”

“Yeah. I’m pretty sure I will. Like I said, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking. Ms. Weber kind of forced me to.”

“Yeah. I know what you mean.”

“I THINK I was trying to convince you to think twice because I remember how hard it was for me. I also think I was mad at that boyfriend of yours and didn’t trust him to come through for you.”

“Well, you are probably right about Sean, but that’s not going to change my mind.”

“I know that. I remember how it really hurt me when people told me I was too young to have a baby. And then when they tried to convince me to give you up for adoption.”

“Did Grandma want that?”

“Oh No. But plenty of people were putting pressure on me. Teachers, counselor, minister.”

“Well, I’m glad you didn’t.”

“Me too. But it was also hard not having the support I needed after you were born.”

“You had Dad.”

“Yeah. He tried hard. But we were just kids and we didn’t really know what we were doing.”

“I’m going to learn, Mom. You’ll see. This is the biggest project of my life.”

“You can say that again. Anyway, I can’t be wishy-washy about this. I need to be all in too.”

“Wishy?”

“It’s an old way of saying I shouldn’t be ‘half-assed’ about this,” Kristen explained.

“Mom, you’re never half-assed about anything.”

“Should I take that as a compliment?”

“Ha! Yeah, in this case it’s a compliment.”

“You know, that Ms. Weber is one intense lady.”

“Tell me about it.”

“Ha,” they both laughed.

Ms. Weber fulfills the role of charismatic adult in Sophie’s life. She is someone with whom Sophie can identify, who recognizes her potential, can hold high expectations for her, and can keep her engaged in the process of growth. As we saw in Part I of the book, Kristen’s relationship with Sophie was conditional and contentious. This time around, she will try harder to do a better job. As you see from the previous vignette, Kristen has begun to realize her challenges as a teenage mother were coloring how she viewed Sophie and treated her. In her attempts to save Sophie from those hardships, she tried to exert control and told her daughter what was best for her rather than listening. Luckily, in this vignette, Kristen has come to realize that and is choosing to join Sophie in her world and work with her there. Sophie was going to keep the baby. Kristen is also recognizing that for the first time, Sophie has a real sense of purpose that motivates her. That can be a foundation for her own growth, not just the baby’s.

Although the (I want) part of the equation seemed to hold, the (I can) part seemed to be waning. Sophie was exhausted at the end of her days, trying to keep up in school while going to doctors’ appointments and prenatal classes. The older versions of Kristen and Sophie would have let this moment turn into an argument, where Kristen tried to step in and push for Sophie to what she ‘should’ do. Historically, Sophie could often ensnare Kristen in a bind where she must choose between harsh control and indulgence. Kristen is learning to recognize those traps and has decided to put the conflict back in the kid where it belongs, not the relationship. An important part of Sophie’s growth needs to be self-direction and resilience. As you read the next vignette, see if you can see how Kristen is promoting the development of these qualities in Sophie. Let’s listen in on how Kristen is able to lend empathic support without being drawn into a battle where Sophie feels controlled by her mom.

“Mom, I want to finish high school with home schooling,” Sophie announced.

Kristen’s first thought was, “She’s quitting already.” Before impulsively saying, “That’s not a good idea,” she turned to Sophie and said, “I need to finish this. Wait just a second.” And for the next thirty seconds, Kristen took deep breaths and repeated her new internal mantra, “Just listen. Just listen.”

“Why are you asking about home schooling? Is there something about school that’s bothering you?” Kristen finally asked.

“It’s really hard to be there all day. I don’t have any control over my time. Between school and prenatal classes, I have no free time and I’m worn out.”

“That’s pretty frustrating. How will home schooling make things better?”

“I’ll have more control over my time.”

“And?”

“I won’t feel so tired.”

“So you want more control and not feel so worn out. How about the quality of the course work on line?”

“It has to be better than what I’m getting now. There are good courses on line.”

“Will you be motivated to keep up with them?”

“I could.”

“Answer me honestly. Are you a self-motivated student or a student who does things because they are due?”

“That’s not fair. You know the answer to that.”

“So how would you motivate yourself if you were home schooled?”

“You could motivate me.”

“Sorry. Seventeen year-old-mothers-to-be need to be self-motivated.”

“You think I’m not?”

“Well, when it comes to preparing for the baby, I think you are doing a great job with motivation. But if I left a math book lying around?”

“I’d use it to press flowers or keep my door open.”

“Exactly. But I’m the same way.”

“So the answer is ‘no’?” Sophie asked, not very surprised.

“Well, if I were you, I’d go ask Ms. Weber what she thinks. Come to think of it, if you were home schooled, you would be giving up Ms. Weber.”

“@#$%, I didn’t think of that,” Sophie said.

“Maybe there is one course you could take on line. Go talk to her.”

“Maybe I should pick a class I know I’m motivated to learn. Like child development or some course that helps me be a better mother.”

“Sound like a good idea. Motherhood has certainly been a good motivator for you. I’ve been very pleased to see that.”

“Thanks Mom. But it is still hard to get motivated to do all the stupid other stuff that school requires.”

“Yeah. There is a lot of stuff to slog through that seems pointless. I feel that way about parts of my job.”

“I’ll do everything I need to learn about taking care of my baby, but when it comes to the other stuff, like history and math, I could care less. And there’s no way I need to be spending time on poetry.”

“It would be nice if school was designed for just what you need.”

“Yeah.”

“But remember, what you NEED is a degree so you aren’t stuck working for low wages your whole life. That’s no fun and … it isn’t fair to your child.”

“You sound like Ms. Weber.”

“Good. She told you how hard her life was without a degree?”

“Yeah. Did she tell you about working for too many fools?”

“No, but I can imagine. She was always going to be smarter than anyone she worked for.”

“Yeah.”

“Just like you, Soph. The best way to take care of that baby right now is to go as far as you can as fast as you can with school.”

“I know. But it’s hard.”

“Being a mother is hard. But being a mother with not enough money is infinitely harder. Education is the ticket out of poverty.”

“Mom. You’re scaring me. I’m not going to end up poor and homeless.”

“A little anxiety, if it keeps us on track, is not necessarily a bad thing.”

“Yeah. I’ll bet you say the same thing about guilt too, don’t you?”

“Absolutely. Guilt makes us better people.”

“Well, your guilt trip about school and motherhood is still working. So give it a rest.”

“Great talk. I think I’m finally finding my Grandma groove.”

“Between you and Ms. Weber, I don’t have a chance.”

“You mean, ‘I’m so grateful to have these two wonderful women in my life’?”

“Something like that. Got-a-go. Got work to do.”

“Atta girl.”

Sophie’s pregnancy and approaching motherhood gave her a sense of purpose. But the story did not simply end there, with a nice transition from aimless, desperate teenager to purposeful young mother. There was much that Sophie still lacked such as self-discipline and resilience. She was determined to come through for her new baby, which represented the (I want) part of the equation, but there was still a great deal of work still to be done with the (I can) part. Kristen’s served a valuable role in encouraging engagement and providing support during the rough spots. As you will see in these vignettes, Kristen also served to provide reasoning and perspective. Sophie had a long history of acting impulsively, often in an attempt to soothe some immediate discomfort. When we talk about adolescents lacking fully developed frontal cortexes, we are also talking about their need for people in their lives to walk them through the reasoning and perspective taking that they have yet to master, as well as someone to help provide reassurance when their young brains just want a jail break from all the bad feelings. Kristen serves this guide to reasoning and self-soothing admirably in these vignettes. She also takes Sophie’s developing sense of purpose about motherhood and broadens it to include needs such as education and earning power.

But did you honestly think that Sophie transformed overnight into a secure young lady who could stay at home, just tending to her knitting (aka homework), apart from friends and the attention of boys? Her newly forming network pregnant girls that she met in her prenatal classes provided some support and companionship, but they came from all parts of the city and were as busy and stressed as Sophie. And they certainly did not fill the empty bucket when it came to attention and physical affection.

“Mom, I need the car,” Sophie said as she put on her hat and jacket.

“Where are you going?” Kristen asked.

“Why do you ask?”

“Well, thirty minutes ago you were comfortably reading a book and now you look like you are late for some meeting.”

“It’s really none of your business.”

“I respect your privacy, but I’m curious what changed in the last thirty minutes.”

“Sean wants me to meet him.”

Kristen took a deep breath and muttered, “Long time no see,” with as little judgmental inflection as she could muster.

“Yeah.”

“Have you two started talking again?” Kristen asked, still trying to contain her impulse to shout “Wiskey, Tango, Foxtrot!”

“No. I haven’t talked to him in months. But he texted me and asked me to come over.”

“What do you suppose he wants?” Kristen asked, while thinking, “As if I don’t know?”

“I don’t know, Mom. But I haven’t talked to him for months and I miss him.”

“This is the same Sean who was on your dart board last month?” showing a little bit of how she felt with this particular association.

“Yeah. I’ve been pretty mad at him.”

“Ah, good.” Kristen was able to say to herself. She has come to realize that if she expresses her anger at Sean, Sophie will immediately come to his defense. In this case, she was to keep those feelings to herself long enough for Sophie to own and express the much-deserved anger for herself. “I remember that. He wasn’t a big fan of you keeping the baby,” Kristen recalled.

“Neither were you.”

“For different reasons, I suspect. So why the new interest in Sean?”

“I told you. I miss him.”

“Why do you suppose he texted you?”

“Maybe he misses me too?”

“I thought Sean had a girlfriend.”

“They broke up. At least I think they did.”

“So why do you suppose he wants you to come over?”

“Probably just wants to hang out.”

“Last month, what did you say were the only two things Sean was interested in?” Kristen asked, hoping she had not overstepped the fine line she was trying to maintain with leaving the conflict in Sophie.

“I was mad when I said that.”

“But was there some truth to it? Mind if I make a suggestion?”

“As if I have a choice?”

“I would text Sean and tell him you would like to see him. But ask him to come to see you, tomorrow, after school, at 4pm.”

“Why?”

“Well, I can’t prevent you from seeing him if you really want to, but I can ask you to analyze before you act.”

“Oh, here we go again.”

“Hear me out. If he wants to see you for the right reasons, he will wait until tomorrow and he will come to you at the appointed time.”

“And if he doesn’t?”

“Then what does that tell you?”

“That he texted me because he was high or horny?”

“Your words, not mine.”

“Humph.”

“Besides, it will give you time to plan what you want to say to him if he does come.”

“Wouldn’t it have just been easier if you had told me I couldn’t take the car because he just wanted to get into my pants?”

“Would that have worked?”

“I don’t know. Not a year ago, no.”

“You’ve changed a lot in a year, Soph.”

“Yeah. There’s one part of me that wants to run out that door and go find him. And there’s another part that says, ‘What kind of fool are you?’”

“We all have those two sides to ourselves. But some people never stop long enough to listen to the slow talking, slow thinking, good judgment side of themselves.”

“Guess that’s what mothers are for, eh Mom?”

“I try,” Kristen said, while giving Sophie a hug.

Kristen was well aware of Sophie’s vulnerability to feeling alone and abandoned. Sophie’s relationship with Ms. Weber, and her improved relationship with Kristen were helpful in calming that previous desperation. She has felt loved and cared for by these two women. Despite all their efforts, that cannot quiet the longing Sophie still feels and is capable of acting upon. In the vignette above, Kristen is well aware of that powerful impulse. She also knows better than to enter into a control battle that can make Sophie feel more upset and abandoned – and more vulnerable to reaching out desperately to an unhealthy relationship. What she did so well above was ask Sophie to bring her slow thinking, reasoning brain in to balance her fast thinking, emotional brain. She helped Sophie gain some perspective on why her old boyfriend was reaching out to her and whether she could tolerate waiting a day to see if his intentions were honorable and worthy. Instead of impulsively acting to quiet her longing, and in the process quiet his impulsive urges, she waited and put him to the simple test of, ‘If you really care about me, you will wait, and you will come to me’. As you may have guessed, Sean flunked and Kristen saved Sophie a serious setback in all the progress she had made – thanks to a brief intervention.

It was fortunate that Kristen was there when Sophie’s wanted to impulsively soothe her longing. And it was not just a longing, as in being ‘horney’. Sophie longed for someone to love her and make her feel special. Her need for attention from boys was far more complicated than just sex. Unfortunately, it was through sex that she felt she got some measure of that longing temporarily satisfied. She had a lot to learn about herself, what she needed, and how to obtain it in healthier forms. In the past, that longing usually led to reaching for external solutions to what was really an internal problem. She had a long way to go in figuring that out. Some of that insight will start when she recognizes that the tender exchanges she has with her new baby will satisfy those needs in many respects. But she also needs to find ways to value herself, instead of relying on physical attraction and male attention as measures of value. Sophie has long operated only in the Relatedness end of her world, totally neglecting the Self-development part. The more progress she makes in that area, the healthier she will become in her relating. If only she can hang on long enough to make good choices. Fortunately, she has two strong women in her life modeling personal integrity.

“I don’t understand why two nice women like you and Ms. Weber aren’t married.”

“Where did that come from?” asked Kristen.

“I miss having a boyfriend.”

“Do you miss Sean?”

“Only if he grew a new brain.”

“Ha! … Sorry. … Was I allowed to laugh?”

“Well, he is kind of a joke. I don’t know why I keep wanting to be with him.”

“So, you miss having a boyfriend, but you don’t really miss Sean?”

“Sean is a @#$%. He only thinks about himself. And you were right, he didn’t show up the other day after school.”

“Were you surprised?”

“Disappointed but not surprised. But, it’s good to be reminded of what I shouldn’t get mixed up in.”

“So back to the question, ‘What do you miss in not having a boyfriend?’”

“I just wish I had someone to hang out with. Someone who thought I was special. Someone who showed me affection.” Sophie looked at Kristen and added, “Somebody in addition to my mom.”

“Sophie, you deserve a good boyfriend.”

“I don’t know if I’m going to find one. Who would want a 17-year-old pregnant high school kid? Hell, if you and Ms. Weber are striking out, what chance do I have?”

“Striking out? What ballgame have you been watching?”

“Well, why are the two of you still single?”

“We choose to be.”

“Do you ever miss Dad?”

“I miss the good times I had with him, but I don’t miss the fighting.”

“The two of you are more grown up now.”

“Yes we are. I have a great deal of respect for your dad and I think he feels the same way about me. Still, we don’t want to be married to each other.”

“But you are an attractive woman. Why aren’t you married?”

“Sophie, I’ve been married. Right now I prefer being single. Have you given Ms. Weber the same grilling?”

“No. That wouldn’t be polite.”

“Glad to hear I’m so special. So, are you eager to find a husband?”

“I don’t know, but I wish I had someone to love me and take care of me … someone besides just my mom.”

“Yeah. That would be nice. You’ll find someone like that. It’ll take a while. I’m proud of your ‘analyzing before acting’ thing with Sean the other day.”

“Yeah. The early bird gets the worms.”

“Ha! … What do you mean?”

“You know, the early bird gets the worms, not the good stuff.”

“Wow. I never thought of it that way. Makes sense. Don’t be impulsive. Wait for the good stuff. Don’t just settle for worms.”

“Exactly. Isn’t that what that expression means?”

“It does now.”

Although Sophie has trouble tolerating the bad feelings of longing and inadequacy, Kristen is able to see a better future for her if she can hold to her course of growth. Adults such as Ms. Weber and Kristen hold a vision of Sophie’s potential even when Sophie cannot. In the vignette above, Kristen empathized with Sophie’s longing for a boyfriend who would love her and value her, and provided some reassurance that it would eventually come. That lack of faith, her sense of inadequacy, previously led to desperate attempts to gain and hold on to relationships that were unhealthy. Kristen has reminded her that she deserves better than Sean. And she was telling her that tolerating being alone is preferable to being connected in a dysfunctional way.

Visitors

But sometimes even with the best of intentions, and the best of efforts, the bad parts of life come looking for you. That’s what happened one day when Sophie had some visitors.

“Sophie, what the hell? There’re beer cans in the trash.”

“Mom. I would never drink while I’m pregnant.”

“What the (indecipherable)? You let people come here and party? While I wasn’t here? Without asking? Without telling me?”

“Hold on Mom. If I was tying to keep it secret, I would have hidden the evidence.”

“So, there WAS a crime. But you’re just NOT sorry?”

“Mom, chill. You haven’t even asked for an explanation.”

“It had better be good, because I am so angry I can hardly see straight,” Kristen seethed. “So, let’s have it. Who was here? And why?”

“Well, it’s not because they were invited. They just showed up.”

“Really? What did they want?”

“You remember when I got stopped by the police with all that @#$% in the car?”

“Yeah. I remember. As I recall, all of your FRIENDS left you to take the fall.”

“Actually, it was that same bunch that came by last night.”

“I didn’t know you were friends with them anymore.”

“Well, I’m not. Not really. They said they needed to talk to me.”

“And?”

“Well, I guess the police have been questioning them about drugs and stuff and they wanted to know if I ratted them out,” Sophie explained.

“Hmmmm. No good deed goes unpunished.” Kristen observed, as she started to see Sophie’s bind.

“Huh?”

“I’m sorry. Go on. What happened?”

“Well, they were pissed and wouldn’t take ‘No’ for an answer.”

“You mean they came in, even though you didn’t want them?”

“Yeah, basically. I figured if I told them to leave, they would think I was the snitch.”

“That’s a crappy bind to be in.”

“Mom. The baby! Watch your language.”

“Go on. What happened?”

“I told them to ask the police or the district attorney if I ratted them out. It would be in the court records, right? I told them all the hours of community service I had to do and that I was still on probation. And you know, … as I was defending myself I started to get kind of mad at them. They are the ones who screwed me over, not the other way around.”

“Good for you.”

“Sorry about the beer cans. They leave ‘em everywhere they go.”

“Like little bread crumbs?”

“Yeah, like liquid bread crumbs.”

“Ok, so you didn’t invite them over.”

“No way.”

“What are you going to do the next time they decide to drop in for a beer fest?”

“I don’t know. Say that the police are watching our house and my mom will totally rat them out if she gets a chance?”

“That’s one idea. How about another?”

“That I’m pregnant and can’t be around drugs and alcohol?”

“Yeah. Any other thoughts?”

“That I’m not interested in hanging out with them?”

“Is that the truth?”

“Well, I miss having friends, but I don’t need friends like them.”

“Hmmmm. That will be hard to do, but … good for you if you can do it.”

Notice how Kristen gets Sophie to think more deeply about things? As you will recall from earlier vignettes, Kristen has helped Sophie reflect upon what makes someone a worthy friend. Even if Sophie impulsively acts on urges to connect, she can still benefit from after-the-fact reflection on how that went for her, thus bringing in the missing reasoning part. To her delight, Kristen finds that much of that reasoning about friends is now being done by Sophie in the moment, not just after the fact or with her prompting. Having a baby on the way and a new sense of purpose has certainly given Sophie the motivation and strength to say, “no” to situations that previously would have consumed her.

A House Call

As you can tell by now, change does not come overnight, nor does it just follow logically from insight or a series of good talks. It involves a long hard grind and a great deal of support (or scaffolding) is necessary for that growth to evolve into enough strength and resilience that one can go it alone. But seriously, how many of us truly go it alone in our lives? We all need support. Support in the form of healthy environments. Healthy habits and routines. Healthy friends and family. Fortunately for Sophie, she had her mom and Ms. Weber in her life, lending support and guidance, especially at critical times.

After realizing the person ringing the doorbell was not going away, Sophie swung the door open, ready to give them a piece of her mind.

“Oh, it’s you. What are you doing here?” Sophie asked, surprised to see Ms. Weber standing on her doorstep.

“Are you going to invite me in or do I need to keep ringing this bell?”

“Sorry. Come on in. Why are you here?”

“Because you are. Why haven’t you been in school the last two days?” Ms. Weber asked.

“I don’t know if school is the best thing for me right now,” Sophie started to explain.

“Oh yeah? How is that?”

“I’ve got all these appointments I have to get to. Yesterday was the doctor. Today was birth class. Tomorrow it will be … I don’t know. Something, I forget …,”

“Your baby hasn’t been born and you are already feeling overwhelmed?”

“Kinda.”

“I see you are keeping up with your soaps,” Ms. Weber said, pointing at the television.

“Are counselors supposed to be sarcastic?”

“I should have said, ‘Sophie, if you have time to watch television, you have time to …”

“Stop. The sarcastic you works better.”

“Well?” Ms. Weber asked.

“The television keeps me company. It gets a little lonely around here,” Sophie explained.

“You were off to such a good start with school this semester. What’s going on?”

“It’s just too hard. I feel like it is a full time job just keeping up now and the baby isn’t due for another two months,” Sophie complained. “I’m exhausted.”

“You sound exhausted. What is giving you the biggest problem?”

“Well, to start with, this doesn’t make it easy getting up and down stairs or on and off buses,” Sophie said, pointing to her prominent belly.

“Yeah. I remember.”

“When I go to my appointments, I get farther behind in school. It’s embarrassing enough to be the center of attention when I walk into class late, but it’s doubly bad when I don’t even know what’s going on in class,” Sophie complained. “All I hear are whispers and laughter, most of the time.”

“Some kids can be pretty mean. They have no idea what you are up against compared to them,” Ms. Weber empathized.

“When I walk into the cafeteria, you’d think I had a disease, not a pregnancy,” Sophie complained. “People I thought were my friends act like they don’t even know me.”

“That sucks.”

“Ms. Weber, you really have to work on your bedside manner.”

“Why, you got a more descriptive word for that situation than, ‘it sucks’?”

“No, ‘it sucks’ works, now that you mention it,” Sophie sighed. “It sucks big time.”

“So what would make things better for you, Sophie?”

“I know I need to get to these appointments. I’ve been eating right. I haven’t used weed or had a cigarette since I found out I was pregnant. So I’m really trying.”

“I’m very proud of what a good job you have done taking care of your new baby. But remember what I told you about my first five years as a mother?”

“You said you worked three jobs and were tired all the time,” Sophie recalled.

“Yeah. I was working my butt off to earn enough money to pay someone else to take care of my kid,” Ms. Weber reminded her.

“And I recall you saying something about being smarter than the fool you worked for.”

“Which fool?”

“Ha. Which fool?”

“Believe me, you don’t want to be in that position, working for some fool. And there’s no limit to how many fools there are in this world. So what do you need to make this school thing work?”

Ms. Weber knows that part of Sophie has a new sense of purpose and is motivated to succeed. But she is also aware that this is a work in progress. Sophie is better able to feel that sense of purpose and even articulate it when she is with Ms. Weber or her mother, but away from them, she can fall victim to other powerful urges. In addition, holding to the purposeful goal of being a good mother and following through on goals such as school is just plain hard work. Ms. Weber was well aware that Sophie would not move forward without serious setbacks and obstacles. Ms. Weber can empathize with how exhausting it is for Sophie to stay the course and how easy it is to simply check out temporarily. Watching television, surfing the Internet, or playing video games allows for temporary relief from emotional burdens and all the ‘shoulds’. Ms. Weber has not let the avoidance go so long that Sophie has dug an insurmountable hole for herself. She empathized with Sophie’s feelings of frustration and agreed to help her problem solve solutions. But she also took an authoritative stance with her. You’ll notice in these vignettes how Ms. Weber and Kristen effectively ‘block the exits’ at critical times when Sophie’s resolve is waning and she would like to avoid and quickly relieve some discomfort.

Ms. Weber sought her out, knowing Sophie was not strong enough yet to be totally self-reliant. She challenged her avoidance; reminded her of consequences; encouraged her and reminded her, ‘you’re not alone’. But this would not be the only rescue Sophie would need, the only pep talk she would require, or the only problem solving session that the two of them would have. It was an ongoing process. For now, Ms. Weber and Kristen served a useful purpose in Sophie’s life. Old analysts would call it ‘Super Ego’, modern neuropsychologists would attribute it to a developing prefrontal cortex. Whatever you choose to call it, Sophie needed these important adults in her life to keep her on track – sometimes by blocking the easy exits, sometimes reminding her to take the stairs instead of the elevator.

P.E.

Speaking of exercise, let’s see how things are going in P.E. As Ms. Weber passed through her waiting room, she noticed Sophie curled up on her old worn couch.

“Sophie, I thought you had class at this time.”

“I’m supposed to, but I’m not going.”

“You’re ditching class in my office? Are you making me an accessory to your crime?” Ms. Weber asked.

“If it is a crime, it’s justifiable. No way am I doing that @#$%.”

“I have to run this down the hall. Don’t move. I’ll be right back.”

…

“So young lady. What class are you skipping and why?”

“I’m not going to PE. It was a worthless class before I got pregnant and now it is even more worthless.”

“What is the class doing? I mean, are you guys playing a sport or something?”

“It’s supposed to be basketball, but most kids just stand around.”

“Really?”

“All you have to do is dress and show up. The teacher wants us to play basketball, but none of the girls want to get sweaty or mess up their hair.”

“And you?”

“I don’t want people looking at my fat belly. And I sure don’t need to be spending my time playing basketball.”

“Did you talk to the teacher?”

“She said, ‘Unless you have a doctor’s note, you need to do what everyone else has to do,’ or something like that.”

“I totally sympathize, Sophie, but if you flunk PE it will keep you from graduating.”

“Can I get a doctor’s note?”

“I guess you can discuss it with your doctor. When do you see her again?” Ms. Weber asked.

“In about four weeks.”

“That’s not going to help you much with PE. Let me ask you this. Are you getting regular exercise?”

“You mean besides all the stairs in this school? I swear my class schedule was designed for a cross-country runner. I don’t think I have two back-to-back classes on the same floor, ever.”

“I’m glad you are getting some exercise.”

“Do you think you could get me an elevator pass?”

“Tell you what. I’ll make sure you have one for your last six weeks.”

“Seriously?”

“Isn’t exercise supposed to be good for you, even when you are pregnant?” Ms. Weber asked, already knowing the answer.

“Since I walk enough, do you think you can get me out of PE?”

“PE and Health class are part of the curriculum.”

“Curriculum for expectant mothers?”

“Health class especially.”

“If they only taught something that was helpful.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, there’s a sex ed piece, but the teacher seems to think that means preaching abstinence.”

“And?”

“Well, the teacher didn’t like it when I said, ‘Worked for me’.”

“Ha.”

“Her class isn’t teaching anything I need to know. I don’t want to learn about STD’s, the risks of smoking pot, or why I need to wear a seat belt.”

“What do you need?”

“I need to know about fetal development, nutrition during pregnancy, how to care for a baby, … you know, important stuff.”

“I agree. Aren’t you getting that information from your doctor?”

“Yeah. The nurse gave me all sorts of handouts and my mom keeps giving me books and stuff.”

“Isn’t that enough? Actually, sometimes it’s too much. I need time to digest it all and I need someone to explain some of this stuff.”

“So you really do need a health class, but one that fits your needs.”

“Exactly. But last time I checked, it wasn’t something offered here.”

“It should. You aren’t the only girl who needs to know that stuff.”

“Amen.”

“Let me see what I can figure out. Let’s talk next Tuesday at lunchtime. Until then, wear your gym shorts as a fashion accessory and show up for PE. I don’t want you flunking the class before we get something figured out.”

“Fashion accessory?”

“Yeah, you know, like a slip.”

“I know what I’m going to do. I’m going to get an extra large shirt and shorts and wear them over my clothes, like Aisha does.”

“Aisha?”

“Yeah. She wears her hijab, long sleeves and stuff and just puts that PE @#$% on over the top of her clothes.”

“Sounds like you are on to something.”

Sophie has made great progress by virtue of her sense of purpose as a new mother to be. But in the moment, when faced with threats such as humiliation or embarrassment, she can still find it hard to see past the immediate difficulties and tolerate them in the service of something bigger. Ms. Weber empathized with the silliness of the PE class, but reminded her of the realities of needing to tolerate these discomforts because they were part of her route to important goals. The sense of purpose will prevail, but in this case it needs some bolstering so that she carries that resolve with her as she learns to tolerate what she doesn’t like. Ms. Weber and Kristen have done a good job of helping her problem solve her way through discomforts or obstacles that she previously would have chosen to avoid. A charismatic adult can hold a vision of a child, even before they can do that for themselves. Part of that vision is trust that the child will develop resilience and resolve sufficient to handle emotionally challenging situations. In the vignette above, Ms. Weber keeps Sophie engaged in problem solving long enough that Sophie begins to develop creative solutions to the problem instead of relying on avoidance. The fashion accessory was a funny example of that process in action.

Too often kids are expected to fit the school rather than school fitting the kid. In Sophie’s situation, that unrealistic expectation is glaringly obvious. Twenty years ago, or more, pregnant teens were expected to fend for themselves, leaving many of them feeling unwelcome at school or simply not welcome, period. They simply didn’t fit with a curriculum that considered the simple promotion of abstinence as a realistic form of a child’s sexual education. Sophie really nails it when she says, “They treat me like I have a disease.”

Fortunately for Sophie, Ms. Weber knows what it takes to raise a child and get an education. And she is determined not to let Sophie have to take the circuitous route she was forced to take. With just a little compassion and common sense, Ms. Weber finds a flexible solution to Sophie’s need for something more valuable than putting gym shorts over her pregnant belly and playing basketball. And the flexible solution she finds is not simply an accommodation to Sophie’s needs. Others will benefit from what she finds a colleague willing to offer. Too often the answer is, “No” when special needs are requested, as if those requests will harm the efficiency of the factory. But even if you want to build the best cars, you need to listen to the needs of your customers and your workers, and be flexible enough to incorporate their ideas. Let’s see if we got a Yugo or a Tesla out of this exchange.

“Sophie, I spoke with Mrs. Markins, the new health teacher. She said she would be happy to have you do an independent study class with her on prenatal health.”

“Really? Why would she do that?”

“I suspect she thinks it’s important.”

“Why, is she pregnant too?”

“I don’t think so. Aren’t you the cynical one?” Ms. Weber observed.

“No. It just sounds like a lot of extra work for her.”

“She said it was a class she wanted to teach eventually. And this gave her a good excuse to get started on developing the curriculum.”

“So I’m her guinea pig?”

“Yeah. If you want to think of it that way.”

“Ok. Does this get me out of PE and Health class?”

“It gets you out of Health class but not PE. You’ll have to figure that one out for yourself.”

“There are a bunch of treadmills in the gym. I’m going to ask the nurse to write a prescription for me to walk on the treadmill instead of playing basketball.”

“That’s an interesting plan.”

“I’ve been reading that exercise is good for the baby, not just me.”

“Ah, good. But baby’s prefer treadmills to basketball?”

“This baby does. Besides, I can read my pregnancy homework while I walk. You can’t do that while playing basketball.”

“Aren’t you the time management girl?”

Sophie just smiled.

Ms. Weber is a reminder to Sophie that if you have a sense of purpose that is meaningful enough, you are motivated to stay engaged long enough to find a way to your goals. In the case above, Ms. Weber recognized that Sophie would be better served with meaningful Health class content. As for the PE class, she told Sophie to suck it up and deal with it, because she shouldn’t let little things like this stand in the way of her more important goals or purpose.

Ms. Weber is ready to creatively problem solve ways to deal with roadblocks and unreasonable routes. But she reminds Sophie that she still needs to make the trek. No one will do it for her.

Making Plans

Time marches on and the baby will arrive soon. In the following vignette, Sophie and Kristen are making plans for where the baby should sleep when it comes home from the hospital.

“I thought maybe we’d convert the study into a nursery,” Kristen said.

“Why can’t I just have the crib in my bedroom?”

“Well, maybe to start with, but the baby will need her own room.”

“Maybe when she’s a little more grown up, but I want her near me.”

“That’s really nice that you want to be there for her, but I don’t think you’ll get much rest if you do that.”

“This is my baby Mom. I think I can make those decisions.”

“Yes, this is your baby and I am proud of how involved you are in getting ready for her coming. Not all new mothers are as conscientious as you are.”

“This is the most important job I’ve ever had, Mom. I’m not going to mess this up.”

“I know you won’t. I can tell already how you are making better decisions about everything because you are thinking about the baby.”

“Thanks Mom. Except for the nursery decision?”

“We’ll see. Is there anything I can help you with?”

“You are totally into the Grandma thing, aren’t you?”

“Yeah. I’m getting excited.”

“We’ve been getting along better since you had your Grandma conversion.”

“Yeah, you’re right. We have a common goal now, don’t we?”

“Yeah. Just so we don’t end up fighting over who knows best.”

“Well, I know what’s best. You just need to figure that out.”

“You’re joking aren’t you Mom?”

Kristen smiled and went back to work.

A sense of purpose has turned Sophie’s life around. This vignette showed the progress Sophie was making in her resolve to be a good mother for her baby. Kristen is making progress too. She has learned that for Sophie to grow in terms of self-direction and responsibility, she needs to step back from her previous stance of knowing what is best and being in control. She very well knows what is best, but simply enacting it robs Sophie of that necessary growth in competence. Developing her ability to think logically, plan, follow through, tolerate failures, make changes, and learn in the process is part of growing and getting stronger. If Kristen jumps in because she knows best, she robs Sophie of the necessary engagement with this process. A healthier role for Kristen will involve an awareness of what Sophie needs to learn, supporting her as she struggles to learn it, but not rescuing her from the challenges of that hard process. In the moment she may think she is doing what is best for the baby. But rendering the baby’s mother incompetent is not in the baby’s best interest. Kristen has grown as much as Sophie has over these past months since they found out “they were pregnant”.

Some Extra Help

As the final weeks of her pregnancy arrived, just getting out of bed and to the bathroom felt like a struggle. Continuing to attend classes seemed like an over the top expectation. Fortunately for Sophie, there were others who recognized how hard it was to manage. Without their help, it would have been impossible for her to stay in school as long as she did.

“Ms. Weber, why are you driving me to school?” Sophie asked as she adjusted the seat in her counselor’s car.

“I remember my ninth month like it was yesterday. Middle of summer; my feet were swollen; I felt like a walking furnace; couldn’t get comfortable no matter what I did.”

“I thought maybe you were afraid I was going to start skipping school again.”

“Well, nobody should have to stand on the corner waiting for a bus during their ninth month. “

“Thanks. But I would have come to school,” Sophie reassured her.

“I know you would, but this last month, I don’t mind giving you a ride … cause I know how hard it is to move around and get comfortable.”

“Yeah. And I don’t fit any of the desks in my classes.”

“Haven’t your teachers arranged more comfortable seating?”

“Ms. Myers has, but not the others.”

“Seriously? Some fur is going to fly this afternoon?”

“You don’t have to do that.”

“Oh, yes I do.”

“Actually, I would prefer you didn’t. There’s this cute boy who started bringing a folding chair to class for me.”

“Really? That’s sweet.”

“Yeah. It’s one of those soccer mom chairs with a cup holder.”

“Sounds more like a man cave chair with a beer holder.”

“Ha, maybe he stole it from his dad. That would make it extra sweet.”

“Yeah.”

“Some days, the chair comes equipped with a drink bottle.”

“Of?”

“Ice water. What did you think?”

“Never mind. I’m a little jaded in my thinking. So who is this white knight of yours?”

“Oh, he’s not white. He’s Mexican. With big brown eyes.”

“I can’t wait to meet him.”

“You may have a long wait. He’s pretty shy and he doesn’t speak much English.”

“So is he your new boyfriend?”

“Nah. He’s more like my Secret Santa at this point. The chair is always set up, but he is way in the back of the room with his head in a book by the time I waddle in.”

“Do you talk to him after class?”

“No. He’s the first to leave.”

“Without his chair?”

“Yeah. I don’t get it. But when I get to my next class. There it is.”

“He really does sound like Santa.”

“I think he has a group of accomplices.”

“This sounds like that random acts of kindness thing.”

“Well, there’s nothing random about this. Ever since I complained to you about how hard it was handling school … this whole thing started up. Did you have anything to do with putting him to do this?”

“This is the first I’ve heard of Zorro.”

“If he only knew how much this help has meant to me.”

“Leave him a note. Attached to the chair.”

“I don’t speak Spanish.”

“I’ll translate it for you.”

“Ok.”

“I’ll bet Zorro has a big sister.”

“Yeah. I’ll bet Zorro is an uncle.”

“Ha. Bet you’re right.”

A sense of purpose is transformative, but being eight months pregnant is not something anyone should have to endure for very long. We are reminded of the support Sophie needed, an extra dose of physical and emotional resilience, to stay engaged with school this last month. It was easy for Sophie to feel sorry for herself. She had a right to feel that way, lugging around two people on two legs. But when she walked in the classroom and saw her chair waiting for her, that feeling evaporated for the moment. In that moment, she felt special. She felt loved and cared for – even though she hardly knew this boy. And the idea of missing school and letting him down became a non-issue. If he was going to go to this kind of trouble to make her life comfortable, the least she could do was show him the respect of honoring his efforts by showing up and giving him the smiles he deserved. And when a kid let slip a comment about her being, ‘some Mexican’s whore’, she started wearing a green, white, and red friendship bracelet everyday to class.

Ms. Weber served as a charismatic adult. Kristen became a supportive mother. People within the school helped provide important support. Making A MESS of Sophie was truly a group effort. In the end, Sophie will not only make A MESS of her own life, but her daughter’s as well. Sophie and Ms. Weber have been pleasantly surprised at the willingness of others to help, with no expectation of getting something in return. The ‘Mark of Zorro’ was a set of random acts of kindness that meant the world to Sophie and did not go unnoticed by people like Ms. Weber. What a wonderful process it was to watch, where a random act of kindness dropped in the pool and rippled outward, sending waves to kindness in all directions.

But not all waves are refreshing. Some are punishing. High school can be a stormy place for anyone, especially someone in Sophie’s condition. Providing her with a safe haven was not a random act of kindness. It was a purposeful, planful, ongoing act of kindness.

“Thanks for letting me hang out in your office Ms. Weber,” Sophie said as she eased herself down onto the well-worn couch in her counselor’s waiting room.

“So, did you ever get to meet Zorro?” Ms. Weber asked, with a sly smile.

“Yeah. Actually he and his crew sat down with me in the cafeteria last week. Just as I guessed. Two of them had identical chairs strapped to their backs.”

“And?”

“We were right. He does have an older sister who has a little boy. But it was his father that put him up to the chair thing.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. I may have lost some in translation, but I think his father told him that it was his duty to make sure I was comfortable if I was having a baby.”

“Seriously. They must be illegal aliens. I’ve never heard of such a thing.”

“Well, they invited me for dinner … some time after the baby comes.”

“Next time you see Zorro, tell him to come see me.”

“Why? You don’t really think he’s illegal do you?”

“I don’t care. I just want to hit him with my own random act of kindness.”

“Like what?”

“I don’t know.”

“Don’t scare him, Ms. Weber.”

We see in the news evidence of the devastating effects of random acts of violence. But random acts of kindness can have a powerful rippling effect as well. Although he is mentioned only briefly, Zorro’s father reminds us of the need for adults who teach moral integrity, caring, and responsibility. Not all goodness comes naturally. Sometimes it needs a little prompting.

“Thanks for arranging rides for me,” Sophie said as she ducked her head into Ms. Weber’s office.

“No problem.”

“I didn’t know how I was going to do this school and appointments thing. Thanks for figuring it out.”

“I’m glad you have been keeping up in school.”

“So, how did you get these guys to drive me? Seems like it has been a bunch of the popular athlete types. Not the sort I would have figured to step up and volunteer.”

“I’m not sure you’d exactly call it volunteering.”

“So these aren’t random acts of kindness?”

“No. More like random acts of contrition.”

“Huh?”

“I should probably tell you so there is no misunderstanding … A friend of mine on the police force found half of the football team out after curfew with enough liquor to open a bar.”

“And …”

“So now I own them.”

“Huh?”

“Well, if he took them to jail, they would have been kicked off the team and who knows what else. But if he sent them to me and I now own a legion of do-gooders.”

“Is that legal?”

“Got me. Every day, each of them comes to me for his assigned ‘random’ act of kindness.”

“Don’t they object?”

“Well, they grumbled about it to begin with, but I said they could go talk to the coach if they didn’t like it.”

“Ha.”

“Well, after about a week, most of them are actually enjoying it. Some are even coming up with their own ideas of what to do for people.”

“I love it.”

“I think they consider themselves to be come kind of secret society.”

“Ha. Weber’s Warriors.”

“Whatever works, right?”

“Well, it has been really helpful to me. I don’t know how I would have made it to all those appointments without their rides.”

“Have they been nice to you?”

“They haven’t been rude. A couple of them like to chat. Most of them just listen to their music and talk on their cell phones.”

“While driving?”

“You didn’t hear that from me.”

“More ammunition the better.”

“Remind me never to be on your bad side.”

“So tell me about your doctor’s appointment,” Ms. Weber asked, changing the subject to actual counseling.

“I got a sonogram. It was so cool. I got to see my baby again. She was moving around; kicking and sucking her thumb. I can’t wait to meet her. I think she is going to be a pretty active baby.”

“That’s pretty cool. Have you started picking out names?”

“Oh I started that the day of my first sonogram. That’s when the doctor said she guessed I was going to have a girl.”

“A baby girl? How did you get so lucky?”

“Ha. Boys are okay.”

“I’m glad you are psyched. You’ve been doing a good job keeping up in school this term.”

“Yeah. Being a mother is a big responsibility.”

“I’m pleased you have taken that on.”

“It’s funny. The worst thing that ever happened to me turns out to be the best thing that ever happened to me.”

“Sophie. I could not have said it any better myself. You know, I feel the same way. Having a baby made me a better person.”

“I sure like how you turned out. I hope I can come close. I owe you, Ms. Weber.”

“I like the sound of that.”

“No. Seriously.”

“You’re going to make a great mother, Sophie. I’m very proud of you.”

Passion and purpose are playing lead roles in Sophie’s life. She beams when she talks to Ms. Weber about her baby. Her life clearly has purpose now. Can you see evidence of how Sophie is learning to make A MESS? She has certainly been doing that with her pregnancy. She has invested herself in learning about her developing baby and what she’ll need to emerge strong and healthy. And she is recognizing goals she’ll need to accomplish to be a mother who can provide for her.

Passion and purpose are having their intended effects on Sophie, but as you can tell, a number of supporting cast members are necessary as well. What a resourceful woman Ms. Weber is, transforming a potentially humiliating and alienating experience for these athletes into one of healthy contribution and retribution.

Talk about making A MESS of a bad situation. Ms. Weber was obviously attuned to the needs of these young athletes. They did some stupid stuff, but they were not bad kids. In fact, she found a way for them to put their energies into acting like good kids. Empathy, compassion, sharing, and moral integrity do not just grow on trees, let alone seventeen-year-old boys. Ms. Weber understood that these boys could use a little encouragement with their pro-social development. She also recognized that to some extent they needed a means of engaging and staying engaged while they learned the value of that behavior and how it made them feel. Most high school boys would rather spend their free time hanging out or doing something fun, so Ms. Weber’s tasks of retribution assured them the opportunity to experience the feelings and responses of ‘good deeds’. Who knows, if they did it often enough, it might even become a habit. Whether they liked doing it or not, it did not go unnoticed. Some of them even came to recognize that ‘girls like dudes who do nice things for people’. Whatever it takes to make A MESS, right?

As we can see, Ms. Weber is a masterful MESS maker. She knows how important it is for Sophie to stay in school, so she isn’t stuck in low paying jobs her whole life. And she is well aware of how hard it is for Sophie to stay engaged with school, given all her extra responsibilities and physical limitations. In the vignette above, we learn how that engagement was supported with the creative use of her “outlaw” athletes. Sophie may be motivated, vis-à-vis (I want) but sometimes there are factors beyond her (I can) control, like transportation.

Although the roles were “coerced” to begin with, eventually Sophie and her athlete chauffeurs became more comfortable with each other. When one of her chauffeurs smiled and called her by name, she felt warm all over. Not because the guy was so cute, but because she didn’t have to coerce that smile because of something she did or offered.

Lamaze

Speaking of coercion, listen in on Sophie’s crude attempt to elicit Kristen’s help as a Lamaze Coach.

“Mom, are you going to be my Lamaze coach?” Sophie asked, out of the blue.

“Is this a request?”

“Well, yeah.”

“I would be honored. When do the classes meet?”

“Thursday night at the Y.”

“Oh, what time?”

“Seven to eight thirty.”

“Is that the only time? Your sister has her dance lesson at that time.”

“What is more important, Mom; my baby or her dance lesson? I can’t believe you’re choosing her over me and the baby,” Sophie said, having gone instantly from friendly to fuming.

“Calm down, Sophie.”

“What do you mean, calm down. This is so unfair. I thought you were on board with helping with this baby.”

“I am. I’m going to make this work.”

“It sure doesn’t sound like it.”

“I understand how important this is to you.”

“If you did, you wouldn’t be picking her stupid dance classes over my Lamaze class.”

“It is not a choice of one or the other.”

“Yes it is.”

“There are lots of good Lamaze classes in this town. I’ll bet we have some choice in times. Find four evening times during the week and we’ll pick the one that works best for everyone.”

“But I already signed up for the Tuesday one.”

“I would love to be your coach for the birth. So, if we are going to make this work you need to find some different options.”

“Maybe I’ll ask Sean.”

“Hmmmm. Now that’s an option I hadn’t thought of.”

…

Two days later, Sophie said, “You’re back in, Mom. Do you want Wednesday or Thursday?”

“What happened with Sean?”

“Well, I was talking to Ms. Weber about it and she just said, ‘WWMW’.”

“What is WWMW?” Kristen asked.

“It stands for ‘What Would Maddy Want?’”

“Ah, the old guilt trip thing.”

“Seems to work.”

Kristen wants to be helpful, but she isn’t about to be put in Sophie’s old bind of ‘indulge me or abandon me’. She knows that the birth is important enough to Sophie that she will figure out something more reasonable. Besides, it would be a bad precedent to allow Sophie to coerce her with the baby card. Good thing she called her bluff early on that one. Ms. Weber teamed up to remind Sophie of what needed to guide her decision-making. Her sense of purpose that comes with being a new mother helps her overcome some of her old impulses, but not without a little prompting.

Maddy

Not wanting to miss any of the fun with mom and grandma, Maddy dropped in a week early. After seven hours of labor, beginning in the early morning hours, Maddy arrived. Although she was a healthy baby girl upon arrival, that wasn’t the case for Sophie, who needed to stay in the hospital several weeks to bounce back from an infection. Consequently, during that time, Kristen had to step up and be the primary care giver for Maddy. And once Sophie recovered, Kristen found it hard to step aside and let Sophie take over Maddy’s care. Kristen was also worried about Sophie getting sick again once she returned to school and had even more things to take care of.

One evening Sophie awoke to the sounds of Kristen in the next room talking to Maddy as she rocked her and fed her. Apparently Maddy had fallen asleep in the middle of her last meal and woke up hungry.

As Sophie sat down next to them she said, “Mom, remember when we decided you didn’t do anything wishy-assed?”

“You mean wishy-washy? Or half-assed?”

“Yeah. Well, I WISH you to start being a little more half-assed as a grandma. I’m her mother, but no one would know it the way you jump in and do everything for her.”

“I’m just trying to be helpful. And I don’t want you to sacrifice school.”

“Mom, I’m not going back to school for a month.”

“But you were so weak. I don’t want you getting sick again.”

“Well, I don’t want my daughter calling you, ‘Mama’ and me ‘Sis’,” Sophie complained. “I know I’m not as good as you are, but you’ve got to let me learn.”

“I’m sorry, honey. When I see something that needs to be done, I just do it.”

“Well, how about when you see something, you bring it to my attention. Or, better yet, wait to see if I handle it. I would have heard Maddy crying and gotten up.”

“I know you would have. I was just trying to let you sleep.”

“Do you understand what I’m trying to tell you, Mom?”

“Yeah. But can I finish feeding Maddy?”

“Seriously?”

What a change in Sophie. She was passionate about her role as Maddy’s mother and she was pushing back against Kristen, even though it meant more work for herself. Yes, she was struggling to get enough sleep, but she and Maddy were starting to get into a routine. She now could do the hungry? sleepy? wet? checklist in her head without having to just guess. Maddy’s birth certainly produced a powerful transformative sense of purpose in Sophie … most of the time.

“Shut up! Will you just @#$% shut up!” Sophie yelled, as Maddy continued to cry.

Pacifiers, milk bottles, diapers, and rattles were everywhere, as if a gust of wind had blown through the nursery. The puffy eyes, disheveled hair, tear soaked sweatshirt, and boxer shorts said it all. Only Sophie didn’t wait to explain it all .

She was out the door and half way to the driveway when she heard Kristen yell, “Sophie, WAIT!”

“Not now, Mom.”

“What’s the matter? Can I help?”

“I’ve got this, Mom.”

“I can tell.”

“I don’t need your @#$% sarcasm, right now.”

“What are you doing?”

“We’re going for a drive. I need to get her to sleep. She’s won’t stop crying.”

“I see.”

“You see? Well, you see, she won’t take her bottle, her pacifier, her rattle … @#$% baby even turned down my @#$% teat.”

“Wow.”

“Wow is right. That’s why we’re going for a ride. It’s the only thing I haven’t done for her, aside from gagging her.”

“Come inside for ten minutes and if she’s still crying, I’ll go driving with you.”

“Mom, I’ve got this.”

“No, you don’t. There’s something going on with her and we just need to figure it out,” Kristen emphasized, as she reached over to touch Maddy’s forehead.

“What are you doing?”

“I’m checking her temperature.”

“Why?”

“Well, you’ve done everything she could possibly need, so I’m checking to see if she’s sick. She feels warm.”

“Well, she should, she’s been crying for over an hour.”

“Sophie, let me try something.”

“I don’t need your help.”

“Come on. Think about Maddy. Maybe we need to figure out what’s wrong.”

“I’ve tried everything. At least if she is strapped in her car seat, I won’t have to @#$% look at her.”

“She had her vaccinations yesterday. I’ll bet she’s having a reaction.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, sometimes babies get fussy after their vaccinations. Let’s give her some Tylenol and see if it helps.”

“And me? What are you going to give me?”

“A hug and a new sweatshirt, for starters.”

“Mom, how did you know it was the vaccinations?” Sophie asked, an hour later when they sat watching Maddy sleeping in her crib.

“From driving around the block one too many times seventeen years ago,” she laughed.

Sophie wanted to be a mother to Maddy. And she wanted Kristen to give her the space to do it. But here was a time when Grandma knew best. Perhaps the drive would have helped, but Sophie didn’t look like she was fit to be behind the wheel, let alone taking her daughter on a road trip. Sophie has a lot to learn about being a mother and Kristen has a lot to learn about being a grandmother. Although her intervention was necessary, it only added to the complexity of sorting out roles and responsibilities.

Kristen knew she needed to let Sophie be the primary caregiver. She was honestly trying. But when Maddy cried, her nurturing instincts kicked in and the big picture was not always in sight. Sometimes she rationalized it because she could see how tired Sophie looked, trying to juggle school and baby; so sometimes it seemed like she was monitoring Sophie just like she was Maddy.

Unfortunately, the more closely she monitored and the quicker she acted, the more conflicted Sophie became about the help she was receiving. Some days it felt like she had to race Kristen to the baby. Other days, she was so tired, she felt like giving in and just letting her mom do her thing. At the time, that felt easy. But later, she regretted it and sometimes blamed Kristen for making her feel guilty.

That bind didn’t last long, however. Whenever she saw Kristen taking care of Maddy instead of her, she felt guilty or angry, depending on whom she chose to blame that day. As she sorted it out, she recognized that taking the easy route by letting Kristen do too much was only going to leave her feeling resentful in the end. But try as she might to be more responsible, it was not always easy to get Kristen to step back and let her.

“How was the parent-teacher conference? Am I doing ok?”

“Yeah, you’re doing fine. Apparently, I’m not, though,” Kristen admitted.

“What do you mean?”

“Well, I spent most of the night talking to Ms. Weber.”

“And?”

“Well, she basically told me what you were trying to tell me the other day. I need to let you figure out this motherhood thing. No. I think what she said was, ‘More grandma, less mother’ when it comes to Maddy.”

“And?”

“Like I said, we had a long talk. What I realized was, I still feel bad about not getting enough help when I was new mother, so I guess I’ve been overdoing it with trying to help you.”

“Sounds more like a therapy session than a parent-teacher conference.”

“Yeah. But I guess I needed a little therapy. At first it felt like a dope-slap, but you know Ms. Weber. Not afraid to hit you right between the eyes with the truth.”

“Amen to that.”

“And, I guess she’s right. Too much of me doing things for her will not be helpful to you or Maddy in the long-run. So I am going to try my very best to be more grandma and less mother when it comes to Maddy.”

“You can still mother me.”

“Ha! Don’t say something you will regret.”

“You know Mom. You are the hottest Grandma in town.”

“How do you think I got the principal to switch you to Ms. Weber?”

“Mooooom!”

“Just kidding.”

“No you’re not.”

Sometimes the demands of Maddy and the “too-much-too-little” binds she fought about with Sophie kept Kristen from ‘analyzing before acting’. So it was good that she went to the parent teacher conference to get her necessary ‘dope slap’ from Ms. Weber. (Dope slap is a highly sophisticated psychological intervention.) Instead of hearing her daughter tell her to back off with all the ‘baby-love’, she finally heard it from someone neutral, who could appreciate her position, and could ask her to appreciate when that help went beyond what Maddy or Sophie needed. The meeting with Ms. Weber gave Kristen pause to reflect not only upon Sophie’s situation, but her own history as well.

Kristen finally realized that sometimes she was overly vigilant about Maddy’s care because when she was a young mother her parents had not stepped up to help her. Instead, she and her young boyfriend were left to fend for themselves. Yes, the concern about abandonment was not just Sophie’s issue, and Kristen began to appreciate how those old wounds led her to quickly act without stopping first to consider what THIS mother and child actually need.

But anyone who has ever been in therapy knows that insight doesn’t automatically turn into behavior change. Over the next several months Kristen continued to act on her ‘fast thinking’ brain, only to have her ‘slow thinking’ brain scold her later, if Sophie hadn’t gotten there first with her ‘fast thinking’ criticism.

Kristen is still a long way from figuring out her grandma role, but to her credit, she has become much less defensive and in the process has fostered Sophie’s growth as an individual with her own thoughts, feelings, and strength to express them. Those qualities were in short supply a year or two ago when Sophie was unable to push back against ‘friends’ who were making unreasonable demands of her.

Job Search

With graduation approaching, Sophie has been out looking for a part-time job to help pay her living expenses. She knows she is in no position to live on her own, financially or apart from Kristen’s help with Maddy. But she feels she needs to earn enough to contribute to the household, buy things for Maddy, and not have to ask her mother for spending money.

“Mom. I’m totally into being a good mother to Maddy. And when I need your help, I will ask. But my experience is different than yours when you were a young mother. I don’t feel all alone in the least.”

“Good.”

“Sometimes I wish you would leave us alone, but …”

“I know, more grandma, less mother. It’s hard.”

“Yeah, but you don’t want to turn me into a lazy welfare cheat who watches soaps all day and buys liquor with her Food Stamps.”

“Wow. Where did that come from?”

“Oh, I caught a little of the presidential primaries on television.”

“Careful. That can sour your breast milk.”

“Really?”

“Actually, it’s more likely to curdle your brain.”

“Ha.”

“Speaking of staying off Welfare. How’s the job search going?”

“Don’t I get Maternal Leave?”

“You have to have a job first before you can leave it.”

“I’ve been looking. Got any suggestions, Grandma?”

“I wish I did.”

“I want something that still lets me take care of Maddy. I don’t want to work so I can pay someone else to raise her.”

“Well, keep looking. And then let’s talk about it next week.”

“Why, what’s up?”

“Well, I’ve got some ideas, but I need to okay them with your father first.”

“Oh, oh.”

“No, he’s being supportive. I think he’ll like my idea. But let me run it by him first.”

“Oh, the suspense is killing me.”

The only jobs Sophie can find are in fast food or retail. None of them are flexible enough to allow her to care for Maddy, let alone attend school. Sophie’s dad thinks she needs to start earning her way, not just relying on him and her mother. Kristen wanted Sophie to feel more independent financially, but she was realistic about the situation. To her, earning money in some low-paying job came in a distant third to taking care of Maddy and continuing her education.

“Your dad and I talked and we have an idea about what kind of job you should find.”

“Oh, I can’t wait to hear this one. Great minds, great ideas, …”

“Save the sarcasm. We actually have something you will like … I think … well I hope,” Kristen said.

“Ok. Let’s hear it. If you and Dad agreed on it, it has to be good.”

“Well, we are pleased with how you finished high school and did such a good job of preparing to be a mother. That took a lot of self-discipline. Not many girls would have pulled that off.”

“Thanks Mom.”

“Remember how you told me that story about Ms. Weber getting tired of working for fools, so she went back to school?”

“Yeah. I think I just interviewed with a son of one of those fools.”

“Well, we … your dad and I, would like you to skip the fool part and go straight to the school part.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, it’s hard enough raising a child and trying to work. That doesn’t leave much chance for getting a degree.”

“Yeah.”

“But a degree is the only way you’ll earn enough to get out of the low paying jobs trap.”

“Yeah. I’ve been worrying about that.”

“Well, Dad and I figure, as long as you are willing to work hard at school, we consider that the same as working hard at a job to support Maddy.”

“Seriously?”

“Yeah. If you are willing to work hard at school, we are totally okay with continuing to support you and Maddy.”

“In my own apartment?”

“Ha. I’ll just assume that was an attempt at humor,” Kristen said.

Sophie combined a smile and a pout.

“So are you still interested in nursing?”

“Yeah. But what I really want is a DVM.”

“A DMV?”

“No, I want to be a veterinarian.”

“Really? I thought you wanted to be a nurse.”

“Well, I do. I want to do both.”

“Wow. I haven’t heard the veterinarian wish since you were rescuing animals in the park.”

“I have a plan, too; now that you have opened the door for me. I’d like to get my nursing degree so I can start earning money. And then figure out if I still want to go after being a vet.”

“Sounds good to me. How much does vet school cost?”

“An arm and a leg and about four BMW’s.”

“Nursing school it is. Are you going to pursue it with a passion?”

“With Passion and Purpose Mom. Don’t you worry,” Sophie smiled.

Passion and purpose were providing strong motivation for Sophie to care for Maddy and become a good breadwinner. However, passion and purpose sometimes need support. Sophie’s parents recognized that having a child before getting the education for a good career can leave a single mother economically trapped. As long as Sophie was applying herself, they were willing to provide a base from which to work. As you will recall, even Ms. Weber needed the support of others to pull off her remarkable climb from high school drop-out to school counselor. Ms. Weber was well aware of those outside supports that relieved some of the burden. Even though she was no longer a daily presence in Sophie’s life, she could still keep track of her and pull some valuable strings when needed.

Sophie is a Teaching Assistant

“Mom, do you remember Mrs. Markins?” Sophie asked.

“She’s the Health teacher you liked?” asked Kiristen.

“Yeah. She offered me a part-time job today. You know that independent study I did with her? Well she made it into a course.”

“Really? What kind of course?”

“I think it’s called Preparing for Parenthood or something like that.”

“Interesting. So where do you fit in?”

“I’m going to be her teaching assistant. Actually, I think Maddy is going to go with me some days as my assistant.”

“You are going to let kids practice on Maddy?” Kristen asked, a little shocked.

“Don’t worry, Mom. I’ll make them wash their hands first.”

“And wear masks?”

“Seriously?”

“This is my granddaughter you are passing around.” Kristen said.

“So what do you really think?”

“Sounds pretty good, if you think you have the time.”

“Well, I need to earn some money, but I don’t want to neglect Maddy. So this seems like a nice compromise.”

“It is interesting that Mrs. Markins asked you. She say why?”

“Well, this is what she told me. She said most kids don’t take Health very seriously. And when she tries to teach about caring for a child, most kids could care less. But she noted how serious I was about learning all that stuff last year, when I was pregnant.”

“Yeah. The most important job in somebody’s life, but they start the job before they get the training.”

“Ms. Weber said most schools use Health class to convince kids not to have sex.”

“Kind of like trying to convince me not to eat chocolate, isn’t it?”

“I like that Mom. I’m going to tell Mrs. Markins to use it.”

“So, these kids aren’t pregnant. Why does she think it will change with your input?”

“I guess she thinks having mother and child right there will make them a little more interested.”

“Well, getting pregnant sure turned you into a serious student.”

“I don’t recommend it, but yeah. It’s kind of like I am better at taking care of Maddy than I was of taking care of myself.”

“That is a very interesting observation. So are you going to tell other kids about that, too?”

“Only if they are interested. But I think Mrs. Markins and Ms. Weber have figured that out.”

“So what are you going to do when Maddy doesn’t think you are the center of her world?”

“Well, she will never stop being the center of my world. So … I don’t know. I guess I’ll work hard so she can always depend on me.”

“I am so proud of you.”

Wrap Up

The Sophie we met earlier was vulnerable to the influences of others because of her desperate need to stay connected and her lack of self-worth. In a healthy individual, self and relatedness are balanced. But with Sophie, there was no Self to balance the Relatedness. Sophie’s connection to Maddy, for the first time feels secure and unconditional, not desperate and insecure. Plus, she feels good about being a competent mother for her new daughter, giving her a sense of purpose and the beginnings of a Self. Sophie’s growth cannot end here, just as her mother warned her that Maddy will grow up to have a mind of her own and will cease to depend on Sophie. But for now, motherhood has given Sophie a sense of purpose. She is passionate about caring for her new daughter. En route, she is developing real competence in areas such as self-discipline, resilience, and self-esteem.