(Ann had just returned from putting two-year-old Timmy down for a nap as she sat down with her six-year-old son, Seth.)
“Mommy, why does Timmy get to sit on your lap all the time?” asked Seth.
“Would you like some snuggle time with me?” his mom answered.
“No. I just wanted Timmy off your lap,” Seth said.
“Now that is an interesting request.”
“Timmy is a bother,” Seth explained. “When I try to color or paint or read my book, I look at Timmy and I think I’m missing something.”
“Are you?” asked his mom.
“Well, it feels that way. It feels like he’s getting something I’m not,” Seth continued.
“What is that?” Ann asked.
“A few minutes ago, it was your lap and your snuggles,” Seth explained.
“You can have both of those as much as you want,” Ann reminded him.
“I know. I know I can get a hug or a snuggle any time I want. But … “
“But what?” Ann asked.
With a very serious look, Seth turned to his mother and said, “I think the problem is Timmy. I think he just has to go. I can’t play when he’s around. I can hardly think.”
“How come?” Ann wondered.
“All I do is think about, ‘What is Timmy doing? What is Timmy getting? What is Timmy getting that I am not getting?’ Mom, the kid is driving me crazy,” Seth sighed.
“You spend a lot of time worrying about Timmy, don’t you?” observed Ann.
“No kidding. Is there a name for this?” Seth asked.
Quietly, Ann answered, “I think it is called a ‘Dilemma’.”
“What is a dimlenna?”
Ann smiled and explained, “A dilemma is a problem that is hard to figure out.”
“I think I have the dlemma figured out,” began Seth.
“I can’t wait to hear,” answered Ann, sounding genuinely curious.
“I’ve been thinking that Timmy needs a vacation. Think Grandma would want to have him visit?” asked Seth, expectantly.
“Well, Grandma always likes visits from us,” his mom said.
“No, Mom. I was thinking maybe she would just come and take Timmy for a month or two,” explained Seth with great seriousness.
“That’s quite a long vacation,” Ann observed.
“Well, I would kind of like her to keep him forever,” Seth continued, “but that might not be fair to Grandma.”
“I’m glad you were thinking of Grandma’s feelings,” she smiled.
“So I did some more thinking,” continued Seth, without missing a beat.
“I can’t wait to hear,” responded Ann, always curious about what will come out of her little boy next.
“I was thinking that Timmy could be adopted,” beamed Seth, rather proud of his latest plan.
“That is another interesting idea,” Ann responded.
“You keep saying that,” said Seth, giving her a confused look.
“You keep coming up with interesting ideas,” answered Ann, putting him at ease.
“You know how Glen is adopted?” began Seth.
“Yeah.”
“I was thinking, there must be a lot of families out there who want to adopt a nice little boy,” explained Seth, as if giving his opening statement to the court.
“So whom are they going to adopt?” responded Ann in the same rather formal tone.
“Timmy, of course,” he clarified, wondering how his mother missed such an obvious piece of the plan.
Ann continued in the semi-formal, serious tone with, “Adoption is complicated. Have you done all the paperwork?”
Seth hadn’t seen this one coming. “Paperwork? We can skip the paperwork, Mom. I know you hate paperwork.”
“Thank you for remembering that. I do hate paperwork,” laughed Ann switching easily from judge to mommy.
Seth had given his plan a lot of thought and he was quick with his come back. “I remembered the story where a baby is left in a basket on someone’s doorstep,” he began.
“Timmy is a little big for a basket isn’t he?” Ann observed, messing a little with his plan.
With a big, Cheshire-Cat-grin, Seth announced, “I already thought of that, Mom. We can strap him in his car seat.”
“So you plan to leave him on the doorstep in his car seat?” asked Ann, trying hard not to laugh.
“Yeah. That way, we’ll know Timmy is safe with his new family,” he continued.
“That was very thoughtful of you. Not every family has a good car seat,” responded Ann, not knowing quite what to do with such a compassionate disposal of a younger brother.
“So what do you think of my idea?” asked Seth, rather expectantly.
“Your idea reminds me of one I had once,” a mixture of emotions and memories surfaced for Ann while listening to Seth deal with his little brother dilemma.
“Really?” asked Seth, always eager to hear stories from when his mom and dad were kids.
“Yeah. When I was your age, I asked the UPS man if he would take your Uncle Kenny and ship him to Brazil,” Ann recalled with guilty pleasure.
“Really? What did the UPS man say?” asked Seth, really liking the sound of this approach.
He said, “Sure, but there is a whole lot of paperwork to fill out before it could happen”.
“Did you fill out the paperwork?” asked Seth.
“I tried, but there was way too much and I couldn’t understand it,” Ann explained.
“Guess that’s why you don’t like paperwork,” concluded Seth.
Ann smiled at the connection Seth had just made, “You know. I think you’re right.”
“I’m glad you didn’t send Uncle Kenny to Brazil,” Seth said. “I wouldn’t get to go fishing with him.”
“That’s true,” answered Ann. “You know, Uncle Kenny tried to get the mailman to take Uncle Phil when they were kids.”
“You guys were trying to get rid of younger brothers too?” asked Seth, pleasantly surprised.
“Yeah. I think it is kind of a family tradition,” Ann laughed.
“Not just our family, Mom. I know that Glen wants to send his little brother back to Korea,” Seth recalled, obviously having compared notes with another first-grader with a little brother problem.
“How’s that going for him?” asked Ann.
Seth looked up at her, “His mom and dad told him, ‘That’s not going to happen’.”
“So they didn’t like that idea much?” she observed.
“No. He said they got mad,” Seth elaborated.
“That’s too bad,” Ann sighed sympathetically. “Everybody I know with a little brother wishes they could get rid of him some time in their life.”
“All of the time, Mom,” Seth added with emphasis.
“Well, you said you were glad I didn’t send Kenny to Brazil,” Ann reminded Seth. “And I am too. I like having Kenny around.”
“You do now,” Seth clarified, “but how about when you were my age?”
Ann knew that when Seth focused on something he didn’t let go easily. But then again, she was the same way. In the midst of this conversation, she could recall how she felt at his age. “Good point. I really wanted to figure out those UPS papers.” Remembering how she felt made her sensitive to the dilemma Seth was wrestling with.
Seth continued, “So how about this idea? We send Timmy somewhere, but when he is all grown-up, like Uncle Kenny, he can come back.”
Despite knowing his answer, Ann asked, “And live with us?
“No, he’ll have his own house then.” Seth explained.
“You have really given this careful thought,” Ann smiled at her overlook-nothing-son.
“Yeah. So how about it, Mom?” Seth asked, expectantly.
“What about the paperwork?” she responded.
“You can help me with it,” Seth thought for a minute his mom’s sympathy meant she was on board with the brother-removal-project.
“You’re the one who wants to send him away,” she reminded him. “I think you are the one who should do the paperwork.”
Always thinking of every angle, Seth suggested, “Dad is good at paperwork. Maybe he can help me.”
“I think Dad really likes having Timmy around,” Ann responded rather soberly. “I doubt he’ll help you.”
“Do you think Dad wanted to send Aunt Susie away?” Seth wondered, knowing his feelings would probably apply to younger sisters as well.
“I don’t know,” Ann scratched her head. “But I know Daddy’s oldest brother tried to get him interested in running away from home together. Your dad was all packed to go and then Uncle Sammy told him he wanted him to go on ahead. He’d catch up.”
“I’ll bet Dad caught on to that one,” offered Seth.
“Well, actually, he took off walking,” she explained. “He got far enough that when it started to get dark, he got scared and some family brought him home.”
“Is that why Dad won’t send Timmy away?” Seth asked.
“What do you think?” Ann asked, knowing Seth had made the connection.
“Dad just never had a younger brother like us,” came his response, revealing how focused he remained on his little brother problem.
“Daddy WAS the younger brother,” she reminded him.
This exchange is playful, but important. Seth has begun to share his feelings about his younger brother. Ann is receptive and nonjudgmental, welcoming his openness. Although she does not quite know how to handle this situation, she falls back on what she knows is always good – genuine interest and empathy. The major intervention, if we can call it that, is sharing with Seth her own experiences with a younger brother she wanted to get rid of. Her attempt at inducing some empathy for younger brothers, by telling the story of Seth’s dad when he was the ‘victim’ probably elicited some insight and sympathy in the moment for his dad, but it was a stretch for her to think that was going to make a dent in Seth’s problem with Timmy. As we shall see, in the next vignette, she feels like she is starting all over again. Fortunately, she keeps those frustrations to herself. Seth is only six years old and resentment over the inclusion of a younger brother in the family does not just evaporate.