Photographers know that the setting sun casts warm light that makes everything glow. They call this time of day, The Golden Hour. Bedtime offers similar opportunities for parents. It’s the Golden Hour when the very best of parenting is possible, from promoting creativity and empathy as you invent stories together, to internal discipline in the process of getting ready for bed, to secure attachment via a ritual that is constant and independent of any squabbles that may have preceded it. The Golden Hour of Parenting is when we help our children develop the competencies that will help them live happy, healthy lives.
The Bedtime Ritual
A healthy Bedtime Ritual includes a set time to begin getting ready for bed and a set time when lights go out and it is time to go to sleep. Between those two times, beginning and end, the child has responsibilities to carry out, depending on their developmental age. A young child may get his pajamas on and cooperate with bath and teeth brushing. An older child may need to bathe, pick up his toys, and put on his pajamas without prompting. Regardless of what the expectations are, the child understands that once those responsibilities are taken care of, the remaining time before “lights out” is available for the fun stuff, such as reading or telling stories. The sooner the responsibilities are completed, the more stories can be read. And… the child knows that the fun stuff ends at the appointed time.
The Bedtime Ritual can incorporate Core Parenting Principles
Here are some of the important parenting principles that can be emphasized at bedtime:
- Remember the Magic Formula of Motivation
- Replace External Control With Internal Control
- Keep the Conflict in the Kid
- Don’t Let the Cement Dry
- Join Them In Their World
The Magic Formula of Motivation
The Magic Formula is simple and powerful:
Motivation = (I want) x (I can)
If children truly want something and know they are capable of accomplishing it, they are motivated.
Motivation is lacking, for instance in the case of math homework, when the formula looks like this:
Motivation =/= (teacher wants) x (I can’t)
In the case of the bedtime ritual, children are eager to have special time with mom or dad and they know they can accomplish what they need because the expectations are clear and doable.
Replace External Control with Internal Control
The promotion of self-reliance is another core goal of parenting. Young children need our protection, and caring for them is an expression of our love. But healthy development involves the shift from dependence to independence, as kids learn that mastery and self-reliance replace the need for parental controls. An authoritative parenting approach establishes clear limits, such as bedtime. It also provides children with a clear explanation for those limits and welcomes children’s questioning of those limits. When challenged, the simple answer that enables these limits to promote growth is, “Show us, through your (internal) self-regulation, that you are ready for those (external) limits to change”. Instead of battling over rules and rule breaking, parents and children should find mutual satisfaction and closeness while promoting moves toward greater self-reliance.
Keep the Conflict in the Kid
Sun Tzu in The Art of War has basic principles to follow. In the art of parenting, one important principle is Keep the Conflict in the Kid. The conflict is not in the child when getting ready for bed requires parental prompting, nagging or threatening. The structure of the Bedtime Ritual has the magic formula of motivation built in. Since the goal of bedtime stories is highly desirable and doable, the process remains within the child, who now must struggle to manage distractions and temptations as they complete their bedtime tasks. Whenever there is conflict between you and your child, you need to ask yourself, “Is the conflict in the child where it belongs?” For example, when your child argues with you about the purchase of an expensive pair of jeans, you say, “That’s what your clothing allowance is for. Use your own good judgment about the jeans.”
Don’t Let the Cement Dry
The principle of Don’t Let the Cement Dry is a simple way of reminding us that the sense our children make of their world may not be accurate, objective, or healthy. It’s always good to listen to what meaning our children make of events, especially events that were upsetting or conflictual. By asking our kids, “How was your day”, we hear how they interpreted the events of the day and have the opportunity to ask enough questions to get them to think more deeply about the event or what others involved may have been feeling. Science has taught us that we are all vulnerable to a number of cognitive biases and logical thinking is a valuable skill to promote during childhood, especially in our “alternative facts” world. Cognitive science has taught us that memories get laid down as we sleep and after the “cement” dries, assumptions become beliefs, which become biases.
Join Them in Their World
When you wish to engage your child, the default is always, join them in their world first. The ability to join your child in their world begins with an awareness of your child’s interests and pursuits. Your genuine curiosity and interest not only makes a connection with your child, it teaches your child the secret to connecting with others. Joining your child in their world also conveys interest in and validation of the child’s thoughts and feelings, which is fundamental for healthy self-esteem. This engagement teaches your child what they are entitled to in relationships vis-à-vis empathy and understanding.
So how do you join them in their world? Just listen to them. They’ll tell you what they are interested in; whether it is earthmovers, dinosaurs, space ships, or puppies. Be prepared to be a role player in your child’s make believe story, the provider of supplies for the budding artist, or the curious listener to the bad-awful-day. Your unconditional interest is a powerful basis for developing genuine self-esteem and their willingness to risk being vulnerable.
Genuine self-esteem is just one of a number of competencies that have been shown to be essential for a healthy navigation to adolescence. Read on to see how the Bedtime Ritual can promote healthy child development.
Promoting Developmental Competencies:
Stanley Greenspan, M.D., in his book, Great Kids, identified ten areas of competence that thriving kids possess. Not surprisingly, those qualities map beautifully onto the known characteristics of healthy adults. (1) Each of these competencies, listed below can be promoted during bedtime. The expectations for the child and the activities you choose as part of the Bedtime Ritual naturally evolve with the child’s developmental growth. Below are some examples of how the Bedtime Ritual can promote these developmental competencies.
Relatedness
What a great opportunity to snuggle with your child as you read stories or talk about the day. Your child comes to trust that this time is special for both of you, which you look forward to just as they look forward to it. They can trust that this special time will always be available, regardless of what “behaviors” may have occurred earlier in the day. This constancy and genuine interest is what secure attachment is all about.
Curiosity
This is a time when your child has you all to herself and experiences your genuine interest in her and her day. Her curiosity is promoted as she asks one ‘why’ question after another during your stories or talks. Instead of just giving answers, ask her to be curious about searching for answers. Kids are born curious. Don’t let her lose that constant curiosity.
Empathy
When they tell you about their day, you have a chance to ask how they felt and empathize with them. As you read stories, you can show them how you empathize with the characters. Learning to be empathic begins with experiencing the empathy of others.
Communication
Isn’t that what story time is all about? Instead of just reading to your child and letting them passively listen, you have the opportunity to ask them questions that stimulate thoughts, ideas, feelings, and opinions. Asking your child to explain and elaborate, whatever the topic, promotes their ability to communicate effectively. When they want to take control of the story, let them become the author. Whether it is listening to stories or telling stories, their verbal vocabulary grows. And as soon as they master phonics, they’ll be able to translate verbal vocabulary into reading vocabulary.
Emotional Competence
Reading stories, telling stories, and “how was your day” talks are great venues for exploring emotional awareness and expression. Asking your child how that character (in the story) must feel? Or, asking, “how did you feel when your teacher did not pick you to be the hall monitor?” Learning to self-soothe urgencies and frustrations in order to have their special time with you is a valuable developmental process.
Genuine Self-Esteem
By joining them in their world, and listening with genuine interest and curiosity, we teach our children that their thoughts and feelings are worthy of expression. By letting your child grab hold of the story you are telling and give their own twist to it, they feel entitled to assert their ideas.
Internal Discipline
Learning to get ready for bed in time for stories is all about learning internal discipline. Instead of depending on you to prompt each step of the way, they realize that the shortest route to what they want goes through “taking care of business”. When your child lobbies for a later bedtime, you simply ask them to show you they are ready by taking care of responsibilities such as waking up, getting ready for school, and being on time for the bus, all without parental help.
Logical Thinking
Your child is never too young to begin learning about their fast thinking vs. slow thinking brains. The stories you read or the interactions they recall have elements for asking about how to problem solve logically, which is the start of developing self-control for the fast thinking (impulsive) kid (in all of us). It never hurts to help your child see things from another’s perspective. In other words, we get to the bottom of misperceptions before the cement dries.
Creativity and Vision
What better time for your child to stretch their imagination in the form of story telling or developing a vision for what they aspire to as they tell you, “when I grow up I’m going to …”. There’s no reason why bedtime needs to be limited to books and stories. If your child is visual and enjoys drawing or design, have paper and markers handy. Take turns making a drawing from the random squiggles laid down by each other.
Moral Integrity
Bedtime can be a valuable time to talk about what happened that day – especially when something upsetting happened at school, or with a friend. You can help them problem solve a solution and your “why” questions help them get at solutions that are well thought out and healthy. Your child learns from your reactions to right and wrong behaviors, whether it is theirs or some character in a story. They care what you think and feel about them and their behavior. They can see when you empathize with others, especially those who have been mistreated.
Responsibility & Purpose
It is never too early to ask your child what gives them pleasure, then satisfaction, and when they are old enough, purpose. When your child expresses concern about some issue, you can help them brainstorm a plan for greater involvement. For instance, there may be many planning sessions at bedtime that precede the follow though on adopting a pet.
Examples of Bedtime Interactions:
What form might the bedtime ritual take? How might you promote one or more of these competencies? Here are some examples, fictional of course, of possible parent-child interactions during the Golden Hour. I’ve included one for each of the core principles described above, and tried to give a bit of range in children’s ages.
Ideally, the bedtime ritual begins early in childhood. But it can start at any age. Just like kids quickly learn what the rules are when they enter a new classroom with a new teacher, they can do so with the structure you create. And the more responsible they become, the more you can allow them some say in the form it takes. The first vignette is typical of what happens when the bedtime ritual is first introduced. The child forgets, tests the limits, tries to bargain, and eventually takes responsibility for making it work. This vignette captures the spirit of both the Magic Formula and Replace External Control With Internal Control.
Vignette 1 – Frustration with Limits
Child: It’s not bedtime. I’m not tired. (Child continues playing with his Legos)
Parent: I’ll be in your bedroom waiting to read to you.
Child continues to play, ignoring his bedtime routine and the time.
With ten minutes left in his bedtime he finds his dad sitting by his bed, reading the book they started the night before.
Child: That’s no fair. You are reading without me.
Parent: There’s still a little time left.
Child hurries off to the bathroom to brush his teeth and put on his pj’s. While he is there, he dawdles some more. By the time he returns to his bedroom, his father is closing the book and standing up.
Child: Where are you going? You haven’t read me stories yet.
Parent: Bedtime is over. It’s time to go to sleep.
Child: But that’s not fair. You read our book without me.
Parent: Get ready in time tomorrow so we can read as much as possible.
Child: Just read to me for five minutes. Please. I can’t go to sleep if you don’t read to me.
Parent: You are a very good arguer. I like reading to you, so get ready early tomorrow so we can get all caught up.
Child: I’m not going to sleep if you don’t read to me.
Parent: I know you are upset. So figure out how to get ready faster next time so you have extra time.
Child: It’s not fair.
Parent: Give me a hug, goodnight.
The following evening, the child is ready for bed well ahead of schedule.
Child: Come on Dad. We have stories to read.
Parent: Are you all ready?
Child: Yep. See. PJ’s. Teeth. And all my toys are put away.
Parent: Great. I was hoping we’d have extra time for reading.
Vignette 2 – Don’t Let the Cement Dry Overnight
In this vignette, the parent knows to be curious about the child’s day. Fortunately, this girl was asked to think more carefully about what happened at school and the sense she made of it, instead of going to bed mad at her friend and going to school prepared to treat her friend based on an assumption that was false. Isn’t that how wars start?
Parent: Mom told me something happened at school today.
Child: “I hate Dana”
P: “I thought Dana was your best friend.”
C: “Was (my best friend).”
P: “What happened?”
C: “Dana picked Sam instead of me today. Dana always picks me first.”
P: “I’ll bet that hurt your feelings.”
C: “Yeah. We always play on the same team.”
P: “Did you ask Dana why?”
C: “Seriously?”
P: “What did you do?”
C: “I tripped Dana on the way into class (after recess).”
P: “How’d that feel?”
C: “Good. Because I was mad.”
P: “You and Dana are always together. What made today different?”
C: “Maybe Dana decided to make Sam her best friend.”
P: “Here’s my phone. Call Dana right now and ask her why she picked Sam instead of you.”
C: “You can’t be serious.”
P: “Do you want to go to sleep thinking your best friend doesn’t like you anymore?”
Bzzzzz (child calling)
C: “Dana. It’s me. Why did you pick Sam instead of me?”
(long pause)
“Oh …. Oh ….”
(long pause)
“I’m sorry I tripped you.”
(child hangs up)
P: “What did Dana say?”
C: “She said Sam was sad because her grandma died and she needed to be cheered up.”
Fortunately, our parent inspected the job site before the cement dried.
Vignette 4 – Your Turn
Here is an example of a tradition many kids enjoy: the spontaneous making up of bedtime stories. In this vignette, at the child’s request, they are making up a story together. This is a variation on the theme of joining them in their world. As you read, notice how the child is working through her own issues about relating to others. In the story that they create, low and behold, joining others in their world turns out to be a great way to connect with others, whereas demanding that they join you in yours is a total nonstarter.
Parent: What would you like to do tonight?
Child: Let’s make up a story.
P: Who is going to start?
C: I am!
Parent: Good. I like it when you start stories.
C: Once upon a time, there was a very selfish little girl, who wanted everything her way. One day, she went to a friend’s house to play, but the girl was already playing with someone else. Your turn.
P: What an interesting start. When she saw the girl playing with someone else, she got angry and told the girl she needed to play with her. But the two girls just laughed at her and told her to go away. Your turn.
C: She was sad. So she went home and played with her dog. But her dog didn’t want to play fetch. He rolled on his back to get his tummy scratched. When the little girl kept trying to play fetch, her dog walked away. Your turn.
P: “Why the glum face”, her mother asked, when she came in the kitchen?
“No one will play with me. Not even Boomer.”
“Oh, that’s too bad.” Your turn.
C: So the girl asked her mother to play with her. But her mother said she was busy making cookies. “See, nobody wants to play with me,” the girl said to her mom. Her mom said, “You are good at making cookies. Why don’t you help me?” Your turn.
P: The girl said she didn’t want to make cookies. She wanted to make a cake. Her mom said that she could make a cake by herself or she could make cookies with her. Her choice. Your turn.
C: The girl was mad and walked out of the kitchen. But she got bored and came back to see if her mom would still let her make cookies. Her mom said, “sure”.
Children’s Book Suggestion for Bedtime
Finally, if you want a book that beautifully speaks to the Bedtime Ritual, take a look at A Story for Small Bear by Alice B. McGinty (2020, Schwartz and Wade Books, illustrated by Richard Jones). Good writers follow the adage, “show me, don’t tell me”. When it comes to getting ready for bed, this book does just that. Small Bear can’t dilly or dally, because she has to get ready to hibernate for the winter. It is a delightful story for kids and a beautiful metaphor for bedtime that parents will put to good use when talking about “dallying and dallying” at bedtime.
This post is an example of what you can find in the Parent Toolkit – Practical Ideas section, accessible from the main menu on the home page of the website.