Risky behaviors often elicit an immediate response from us: punishment. However, going straight to response from behavior can leave us clueless about the purpose of the behavior and seriously limit our effectiveness in dealing with the behavior. In other words, if it happens more than once, you may want to analyze before you act next time.
I-E-B-R Analysis of Teenage Drinking
Father: I thought you said you were going to a backyard barbeque, not a drunken kegger?
Son: I didn’t drink that much.
Father: That’s why you curled up with the toilet when you came home?
Son: You heard me?
Father: Give me your phone and your keys. You’re grounded for a month.
Son: But …
If you ask a teen why he drinks, he would likely tell you something like, “It makes me feel good; It helps me relax; I’m happier; I have fun; Everyone does it; I can be myself; I don’t feel so nervous (in social situations).” Therefore, there are functional reasons for drinking, beyond just having fun. It helps one fit in with peers, especially if everyone else is drinking. It is easier to connect with someone he is attracted to. It temporarily reduces stressful feelings or awareness of burdensome issues. It elevates mood. It provides a source of stimulation and distraction that makes this easier. The immediate escape and pleasure are hard to resist. And it has built in rewards that are powerful.
With ADHD kids, we are always trying to develop the contemplative layer between urge and action. Alcohol¹ reduces that contemplative layer, because under its influence kids have less control over impulsivity and decreased capacity for attention. The anxious, obsessive kid, on the other hand, might welcome a little less thinking and worrying.
Let’s look at the example of the functional value of alcohol to the socially anxious boy. In social situations, approaching a girl puts a boy at risk for humiliation if he fails. Anxiety can keep him sitting and obsessing about it all evening, with nothing to show for his emotional turmoil. Drinking turns down the dial on the anxiety and the obsessing as well. Less inhibited under the influence of the alcohol, he can likely take risks he would normally avoid when sober. Quieting the risk of humiliation is not a small matter for a teenage boy. When he is high, it is easier for many boys to feel bolder or more adequate. When he is high, his desire for connection can override anxiety.
Punishing a socially anxious teenager for his alcohol use doesn’t address his concerns about anxiety and humiliation – the old fitting in and feeling adequate issue. In his mind, he will need to balance the risk of getting caught and punished with the benefit he’s deriving from alcohol for managing these emotions. After some initial success, what do you think is going to happen going forward? Until the teenager has a better solution to his anxiety and fear of humiliation, the threat of punishment as the approach to controlling his drinking will have limited effectiveness.
| Issue: Fitting In and Feeling Adequate / Self-Esteem and Confidence |
| Emotion: Anxiety; Fear of Rejection (Humiliation) |
| Behavior: Drinking (to soothe emotions) |
| Response: Punishment or Curiosity (which leads to helping teen find more effective ways of fitting in and feeling adequate) |
As you can see, there are many reasons for a teenager to drink. If you want to influence that behavior, you must first understand what is fueling the urge to drink. “Peer pressure” or “Kids will be kids” is not an answer with any depth. You need to know what emotion(s) the child is seeking to soothe or enhance. And why. You also want to know whether your child understands these connections.
Taking an I-E-B-R Approach helps you analyze before you act. And that is ultimately our goal for our children as well. Employing the I-E-B-R Approach is a useful way to structure discussions of behavior and consequences, because it ultimately is one we seek for them to apply on their own. Those are some of the nuts and bolts in that “contemplative layer” between urge and action, mentioned above.
A genuine interest in understanding your child’s reasoning, along with empathy for them and their struggles are essential components for getting your teenager to talk² about his or her behavior openly and safely. Your genuine interest is also an essential part of a process that allows them to listen to you less defensively. Our goal for our children is healthy self-regulation. For that to develop, they need to regularly engage in a process of discussion and analysis of their behavior. Many times those discussions will be initiated by their pushing and struggling with limits. But these talks that force them to think more deeply about their behavior are essential building blocks for logical thinking and internal discipline. The discussions are about regulating behavior, and they ultimately lead to the development of an internal process – the teenager’s capacity for self regulation.³
After an IEBR analysis made the link between drinking and social anxiety, the emphasis shifted from drinking to relating and a healthy form of self-soothing.
Son: So how did you meet girls?
Father: Best way to meet girls is to own a puppy.
Son: Can’t have a puppy in the dorm. I just get so nervous.
Father: Whenever you start worrying, just focus on the other person and stay curious. Find out what they are interested in and keep asking questions. You’ll feel better and they will like the interest.
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¹ Dopamine is a neurotransmitter in the brain that influences both mood and reasoning. Alcohol directly affects dopamine levels, thereby making it a powerful reward and a profound influence on the functioning of reasoning and memory.
² An essential book for all parents is How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish. This is THE “how to” book about creating a process where your kids feel safety, understanding and empathy. This process profoundly shifts the family dynamic away from reliance upon external controls and punishment toward one that promotes internal controls and self-regulation in our children. If you have any concerns about employing an I-E-B-R Approach, read this book.
³ Internal discipline and self-regulation characterize healthy adults. The more these qualities are developed in childhood, the easier adolescence is for everyone involved. However, some biology and chemistry wild cards come into play when the ID and SR are being applied to teenage drinking. The teenage brain is still developing. Consequently, there is a big difference between a teenager’s ability to reason about behaviors and decisions in a low stress, one-on-one context vs. one that is complex and stressful. So, when stress comes in the form of the emotional pressures of trying to fit in and feel adequate in social situations while mood and reasoning ability are altered with alcohol, even the best of intentions in terms of willpower or self-regulation are seriously challenged. Consequently, parental limits need to reflect these developmental limitations.
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Ideally, you have provided your child useful information about alcohol and its effects on the developing brain, memory, and decision-making even long before they reached adolescence. Despite some amazing reasoning capabilities by adolescence, teenagers are still plagued by some serious limitations. Although not limited to teenagers, one is: They don’t know what they don’t know. However, in a family where there is mutual respect, kids are willing to listen and learn. One thing they need to learn and we need to remember is: their brains are still developing and they lack the capacity to self-regulate effectively, despite their best intentions. Hence, their long struggles with (necessary) parental limits. Link to Within Limits in the Parent Toolkit section.