Raise Your Parenting AQ – Chapter 5
I Don’t Feel Like Climbing
Avoidance solves everything (in the moment, temporarily)
Empathy without engagement is not enough.
Ambition and competence are cures for anxiety.
“Let’s Skip This”
Greg and Tim have become regulars at the climbing gym. They climb together several days a week, sometimes including Tim’s middle school friends.
“Let’s skip this section,” suggests Tim.
“Why?”
“I’m just not getting it. It’s frustrating and no fun.”
“But it demands some techniques you are going to have to learn sometime.”
“Well let’s make sometime, later.”
“Climbing should be fun. But if you only do the fun stuff, you may have to avoid more than just this section.”
“I can do it later.”
“This is the V-3 wall. Are you wanting to go climb the overhanging wall or the vertical wall?”
“I thought we’d go over to the V-2 wall and do some easier climbing.”
“But you have already mastered that level. Why the return engagement?”
“I won’t feel frustrated over there.”
“I know this section of the wall is frustrating you. Want me to show you a technique that will help you?”
“Sure.”
“Okay. Let’s get those guys to belay us so we can be on the wall together. I know you will get this section. It involves a technique that took me forever to get. So I know how hard it is.”
(Up on the wall together, with Greg positioned on the same difficult section of the wall.)
“See, I am at the same spot where you were, with the same handholds. But instead of keeping my body away from the wall, I’m going to pull my torso in so I can reach the next hold. You know how I figured out this move?”
“By falling?”
“Well. I was watching the Olympics during the high jump. And you know how the jumpers go over the bar backwards?”
“You can’t be serious, Dad. You are going to show me how to Fosberry Flop my way up the wall?”
“No. They showed old footage of how athletes used to high jump, with that leg roll. And I said, ‘ah, ha’.”
“So what was the ‘ah, ha’?”
“I realized that a high jumper could clear a bar, even though much of his body was still below the bar, simply by manipulating the center of gravity.”
“Less talk, Dad and more action here.”
“Okay. Here goes. Watch how I swing my leg, which transfers my weight and momentarily has me leaving both footholds and one hand hold.”
The son looks down at his dad’s spotter. “You got a good grip on that rope. Because I think my dad has lost his.”
The dad swings his right leg in front of him, then back to the right and then violently to the left again, lifting him up to the next right hand hold.
“Dad. That was cool. You totally deserve a banana for that move.”
“Let me show you again. Did you see what I did with my right leg?”
“Yeah.”
Greg repeats the maneuver.
“Okay. Now it’s your turn. This is a move I call my ‘leap of faith’, because it involves leaping off my footholds, but having faith that I can land safely.”
“Think I’d call it the ‘grip of death’.”
“Actually, it is more of a confidence thing than a physical challenge.”
“I can feel my elbow throb as you speak.”
“Don’t worry. I fell every day for a week learning it.”
“That’s real comforting, Dad.”
“Just trying to help. You know what helps? Close your eyes and just see yourself doing the move.”
“What is this Dad? You are giving me Dumbo’s magic feather so I can flap my ears and fly?”
“No actually, it is the science of the brain if you really want to know.”
“Dad, are you really going to give me one of your lectures on the side of a cliff?”
“Well, actually, yes. When you imagine yourself doing some action correctly, your brain is actually laying down some hard wiring. Your body is learning even without actually doing the act.”
“Wait ‘til my Algebra teacher hears that. I’ll tell him I imagined my homework assignment to completion.”
“Your brain also quickly stores what it has learned and does not like to have to make changes,” explains Greg.
“What do you mean?”
“It means, learn something right the first time, or spend five times as long unlearning and relearning it correctly.”
“Ain’t that the truth,” laughs Tim, exaggerating the “ain’t”.
“I can tell you understand. So when you come to the gym, try to watch the instructors climb. They are demonstrating good technique images to store.”
“Dad, I told you that my computer games were more important than getting out and doing stuff.”
“Yeah, like imitating Grand Theft Auto?”
“You wouldn’t let me buy that.”
“You got that right. I also know you sneak a few sessions of GTA when you are over at Max’s house.”
“Busted! Don’t worry Dad. I get it. I know right from wrong.”
“I know you do.”
“Now imagine the move and give it a try. I’ve got a website at home that shows this move. I’ll get you the link.”
“I already know what the link is Dad. It’s the start of MI-III and Tom Cruise is doing the move, with no footholds, mind you.”
“The movie stole the move from me. Besides, Cruise did the move in a studio in front of a blue screen. They add the cliff with the computer.”
“Are you telling me Tom Cruise is a fake?” asks Tim with pain in his voice but a twinkle in his eye.
“No, Tom Cruise is an actor. You are trying to master the wall, not create a false image,” missing the awareness his son hinted at.
“I know guys who have seen that movie at least ten times,” keeping up the feigned defense of the actor.
“Obviously watching it to perfect their secret agent skills,” Greg rattles on.
“I know, active engagement, not passive entertainment. I’m up here on the wall entertaining you, aren’t I?”
“Yes you are. Let’s quit talking and start climbing. Those two down below look bored,” says Greg, now recognizing he has been a little long winded again.
“They’re not bored, Dad. They’re taking notes, hanging on your every word. Actually, Doug down there has been looking for an excuse to get next to Emily, so the longer we’re on the wall, the better Doug’s future is looking,” explains Tim, in a hushed, conspiratorial voice.
“So he wants me to keep talking?”
“I doubt if he cares, but I’m sure you are giving him plenty of material to talk comfortably to Emily about instead of having to worry about what she thinks of him.”
“Kind of like Cyrano de Bergerac?”
“I suspect it’s probably more like Dumb and Dumber,” responds Tim.
Greg recognizes that Tim can easily choose to avoid challenges and give himself good reasons why avoidance is necessary. The role of the parent is to know what ambitions their child may possess but are reluctant to pursue. This father knows that he needs to provide initial support when Tim is at a critical juncture where it is easier to avoid than stay engaged with a challenging hurdle, one that can be frustrating. Frustration and failure are hard to take for many kids. For them, frustration can feel humiliating and failure can feel like shame, which need to be avoided at all costs. Parents and teachers need to find ways to help children learn to tolerate the “f” words in order to stay engaged and become more competent. In this example, Greg got up on the wall and showed Tim how to do a difficult maneuver. In other situations, the parent has to recognize the necessary field of engagement for the child and help him persist. If children learn early that frustration and failure are normally occurring processes, which they have many opportunities to engage and handle, they become more resilient in the face of challenges, which should be sources of growth instead of reasons to avoid.
It is obvious from the banter that this father not only cares about Tim, he also is quite tuned into him. He knows what he is up to, who his friends are and what he is doing. Although the son feigns disapproval, he can feel safe knowing that his father is watching over him. He also knows that if and when he slips up, his father will likely know about it or will understand if he comes to him about it.
This family has an understanding that every one needs to be actively engaged in their lives, not simply passively entertained. Passivity is challenged and at times limited, replaced with an expectation for active, satisfying activities.
Greg speaks in ways that Tim can understand, but he also takes opportunities to teach, such as with the explanation of neuroplasticity. Whenever Tim can have a scientific basis to understand why things work, this family affords him that opportunity. Similarly, the parents emphasize that everyone should learn to become a scientist in their own lives, looking for evidence to support arguments and not just taking things at face value.
Greg knows where Tim should be headed developmentally. There may be times when he has to lend support or help him to engage or stay engaged, but ultimately, he wants Tim to be able to say, “I can handle it”, “I know what is right”, “I know how I feel”, and “I take responsibility”. He is also simultaneously aware of Tim’s need to develop and maintain satisfying relationships in his life so that he can eventually say, “I know how you feel” and “I can create satisfying relationships”.
A child’s choice of passive entertainment should be inquired about and limited if necessary.
The pursuit of satisfying activities rather than passive entertainment should be modeled by parents and encouraged for children.
Passive entertainment can feel good in the moment. It can also serve as a form of avoidance of potential sources of frustration and failure, which translate into feelings of humiliation and shame.
A – MESS
Emotional Competence
Relatedness
Communication
Logical Thinking
“This Is Supposed To Be Fun”
Without these goals clearly in mind in combination with knowing Tim and what his interests and needs are, this interaction may have gone something like this:
“Let’s skip this section.”
“Why?” asked Greg.
“I’m just not having any fun,” replies Tim.
“How come?”
“It’s just frustrating.”
“Well, climbing has its challenges.”
“I thought it was supposed to be fun. This is not fun. All I’m doing is slipping, falling, and climbing up so I can fall again. That gets old, Dad.”
“Well what would you like to do?”
“How about we slide over to that other wall and do some sport climbing. That would be fun.”
“Okay, we can do that.”
“Great!”
“What’s your best time on this wall?”
“A minute thirty seven.”
“That sounds pretty fast. What kind of times are your friends doing it in?”
“Billy says he’s not interested in competing. Xavier says he’s not interested in sport climbing and that speed shouldn’t matter.”
“Why do they say that?”
“Billy doesn’t like losing. He’s more interested in being with friends. He doesn’t care whether we are climbing. He’s happy with whatever.”
“And Xav?”
“He’s more into seeing what he can do that he couldn’t do before. He likes challenges. He doesn’t like competing with others. He just seems to compete with himself.”
“Does Xav just want to climb by himself?”
“No. He wants us to join him, but we’re not always interested in busting our butts like he is.”
“Kind of like today. With us.”
“Yeah.”
“Do you want me to time you?”
“Yeah. I’m ready to go.”
Greg takes Tim at his word and does not want to add to Tim’s frustration. He is concerned that climbing remains fun, so that Tim will not get discouraged and quit. He is good at listening to Tim, but he does not use what he knows are necessary developmental tasks to inform his listening. For instance, he does not hold Tim at critical junctures and ask him to explore his behavior or lack of behavior in more depth. Greg is probably quite involved with Tim and feels very close to him. He tries to be sensitive and empathic. However, being sensitive is not ultimately empathic if important aspects of the child are overlooked. For instance, there are times when a parent must be firm with important limits even though it may cause conflict. In this example, Greg needed to risk upsetting Tim by asking him to examine more closely his wish to avoid.
This example gave Greg several opportunities to help Tim explore his feelings and issues with engagement and frustration. Tim told him the attitude of his friend Billy, which as it turns out is the very same approach Greg is taking. Greg is accommodating Tim in order to keep the relationship smooth and comfortable. He could have asked Tim what he thought of Xavier’s approach to climbing, which has a number of positive qualities to it. For one, Xavier seems internally motivated and less concerned about the judgment of others. He has set goals for himself and goes after them. In the process, he seems able to tolerate frustration. What is it like for Tim to be around Xavier? Does Xavier have an effect on him? Does Tim tend to engage in more challenging climbing when he is with Xavier? Is his relationship with Xavier strained because of the differences? All of these things are worth exploring, but Greg in this example was not tuned into the importance of such exploration. He seemed more concerned about comfort and connection.
Greg has not examined his reasons for being so focused on protecting his kids and staying connected to them. To him, it is just being an involved, loving father. He has had no example in his life where pursuit of self-development was supported in a way that felt close. He loved his parents, but he had to separate from them with a fair amount of storm and strife when he was a teenager. After college, he forged a new relationship with them as an adult, but there was a period in his life when he felt quite estranged from them, especially his father. Greg is determined not to let that happen with his kids.
Leaving avoidance unchallenged is not empathic.
Parents must risk relationship discomfort in the process of asking their children to examine behavior (or lack of it).
We need to ask ourselves what prevents us from taking an authoritative* parental role.
A MESS
Empathy
Relatedness
Emotional Competence
Frustration and anxiety are challenges we all face. The easiest solution is to avoid them, because that brings immediate relief. The following vignette between Ann and Seth is an example of how these feelings can potentially lead to school avoidance.
“I Feel Sick”
“Mom, I feel sick,” Seth moans.
“What’s the matter honey?”
“I have a stomachache.”
“Oh, that’s too bad. What kind?” asks Ann, putting her hand on his forehead.
“I just feel sick to my stomach,” complains Seth.
“Like a sharp pain, dull pain, or like you want to throw up?”
“Kind of like I want to throw up,” explains Seth.
“Do you think some toast or oatmeal would be soothing?” his mom asks.
“No.”
“I’ll take your temperature,” offers Ann.
“Okay.”
“What is going on in school today?” she asks.
“Nothing much,” Seth mumbles.
“I thought today was the day you guys gave your class presentations,” Ann asks knowingly but gently.
“Oh, yeah,” Seth admits.
“Are you ready?”
“The project is done,” Seth explains.
“But?”
“I don’t want to get up in front of the class,” admits Seth
“That’s hard to do. I get nervous before I talk to groups,” Ann volunteers.
“What do you do?” asks Seth, now curious.
“I practice a lot, so I really know what I want to say. Sometimes I imagine some of the worst things that can happen and then I think how I would handle them,” Ann elaborates.
“Do you ever imagine everyone laughing at you?” wonders Seth.
“No, but I have my own fears. Sometimes I worry that someone is sitting there telling my boss how dumb my idea is or when someone starts to nod off, I take it personally,” she reveals.
“Gee, Mom, I figured you were a good speaker,” now rather surprised in what he is hearing his mom admit.
“Well, I am pretty good at presentations, but that doesn’t mean I don’t get nervous and worry about stuff. What are you worried about?” she asks.
“I’m worried some kids will think my project is lame. I worry the guys will make fun of me for sucking up to the teacher. I worry that someone will call me a girl for making clothes for my historical figures. I worry …,” Seth starts unloading.
“Wow. You could get a job thinking about all the possible things to worry about,” Ann responds as she puts her arm around his shoulders.
“Is there such a job Mom?” Seth asks.
“I think Homeland Security would find a place for you.”
“Are you serious?” taking her attempt at humor literally and seriously.
“I don’t know about the Homeland Security job, but I do know that worrying can be good if it helps you prepare for stuff that might happen. You tend to worry, sometimes more than other kids. But you are better prepared for stuff than most kids, right? If you are a worrier, then put it to good use. I’m kind of the same way. I figure, it just makes me better prepared. I don’t get surprised by stuff I didn’t expect.”
“I never thought of it that way,” sighs Seth.
“How’s the stomachache?” asks Ann, recognizing that Seth has perked up.
“It’s still there, but I think it’s just ‘cause I’m nervous,” observes Seth.
“You’ll do fine. I’ve seen your project. It’s really cool. Leave time for questions. You’re really good at explaining all the little details,” Ann reminds him.
Ann knows that Seth gets nervous around big events, like talking in front of others or performing. So the stomachache does not surprise her this morning. In fact, he has a history of getting an upset stomach when he is nervous, so she is on the look out for that whenever he reports being sick, especially on school days. Seth would prefer to stay home and miss this show-and-tell day. He is not faking the stomachache. It is real. But it is very likely nerves. Ann and Greg have a policy, whereby they expect their kids to go to school unless they have a fever or are vomiting. Greg sent Tess one day, despite her protestations. Two hours later the school called to say that Tess had thrown up outside the main office. When she got home, she said, “Now do you believe me, Dad?” Although Greg ate crow that day, they stick to the plan of erring on the side of encouraging going to work or school if at all possible.
After a quick assessment of symptoms, Ann begins to speak to the emotional content behind the symptoms as well as the issue driving the feelings. She chose not to engage Seth in a process of determining the legitimacy of his symptoms. She believes the stomachache is real. The question is, can he learn to function despite it and can he learn what is likely causing it. Her hunch is confirmed when she finds out about the class presentation day. She knew that was coming up soon. Instead of telling him to tough it out, she takes a more compassionate approach, explaining that being nervous is understandable. She explains that even she gets nervous, despite being a successful professional. Sharing that with Seth makes his feelings much more acceptable and less shameful. She also explains how she makes use of the feeling, rather than putting her effort into making it go away. She knows that competence is the best remedy in situations like this. She also knows that the more he prepares and the more he goes through these things, the better he will get. She will keep an eye on him to make sure he doesn’t get into a trap where a bad experience leads to lot’s of worrying and avoiding which grows out of control. If Ann did not encourage Seth to engage, he easily could obsess about whether he had prepared enough. She knows he needs the feedback of engagement to let him know he is competent and valued.
Seth knows that his Mom expects him to go to school. But their interaction is not a matter of who is right and how legitimate his symptoms are. Ann is acknowledging that he feels bad and for good reason. But she is also giving him strategies and hope for being able to tolerate those feelings and function despite them. The interesting twist at the end is an acknowledgement that Seth always has been and always will be a sensitive kid, but that does not mean he can’t find a way to function effectively. In fact, Ann is telling him that he can find a way to make good use of being so sensitive.
Ann has never been a boy, but she knows that humiliation and rejection are powerful factors looming in the background, always influencing decisions being made. Seth’s reluctance to go to school is far more than dealing with performance anxiety. He fears being humiliated and rejected by others for revealing a piece of himself through his project. As kids move beyond the realm of family to where peers are increasingly important, “fitting in” and “feeling adequate” become powerful motivating forces, even for kids like Seth.
Ann does not overtly address this issue with Seth, because that in itself could be humiliating, but instead attacks it indirectly by giving support to those qualities he doubts will be accepted by others. She takes his sensitivity and explains what an asset it can be. She is telling him that there are others like him and there are places where his qualities will be valued. Fear of humiliation can be a powerful force to be avoided and trumps everything in the moment. Ann is giving him a fighting chance by having him attend to counterweights. She is also providing an important structure (the expectation that he needs to go to school) which she knows will force engagement and not allow avoidance. Avoidance, in whatever form it takes, keeps humiliation at arm’s length but ultimately becomes not only rewarding but a creator of humiliation – since it leads to a lack of competence.
Emotions are messages. Help children understand the messages and make good use of them.
Parental expectations and structure prevent avoidance of humiliation from becoming a central organizing force for children.
Other children tend to avoid humiliation by accommodating and doing whatever it takes to fit in.
A MESS
Emotional Competence
Logical Thinking
Genuine Self-Esteem
This could easily have gone differently:
“Are You Too Sick?”
“Mom, I feel sick.”
“What’s the matter honey?”
“I have a stomachache.”
“Oh, that’s too bad. What kind?”
“I just feel sick to my stomach.”
“Like a sharp pain, dull pain, or like you want to throw up?”
“Kind of like I want to throw up.”
“How long have you felt this way?”
“Since I woke up.”
‘Did you eat anything before you went to bed?”
No.”
“Do you have a headache?”
“No.”
“What do you think is going on?”
“I don’t know. I just feel crummy.”
“Do you feel like eating anything?”
“No.”
“Do you feel like you can go to school?”
“Not really.”
“Why don’t you go upstairs and lie down and I will call you in a couple of hours to see if you are feeling any better.”
“Ok.”
“I’ve got my cell phone. Call me if you need to and I’ll come home from work.”
Ann is very sensitive to how Seth is feeling. However, her assessment is restricted to the physical symptoms in the moment. She has not considered what is going on with her son that could lead to an upset stomach. Seth is not lying. He really does have a stomachache. However, he is unaware that it is likely the result of anxiety over facing a threatening situation at school. He has always been a sensitive child and his way of protecting himself has been to simply avoid things that are threatening. He does it seamlessly, without even being aware that he is navigating his way around many hazards.
An option Ann had not considered was to send him to school, with an understanding that if things were intolerable, she would come get him. Or, he could go lie down in the nurse’s office if he needed to. This last option would help Seth keep his developmental conflict about school as one between him and school, without his mom relieving him of the conflict. If he is at school, he will have to decide whether he needs to ask his teacher to leave his class and deal with the embarrassment of leaving balanced against the “medical” need to leave. If his stomach is really upset, he will be as well off in the nurse’s office as he will be home alone in his room. Unless Ann is critically needed, such as taking him to the ER, Seth should be able to handle this situation himself, with the resources available to him at school.
If Seth stays home, he has been relieved of having to wrestle with the developmental conflict. By staying home, he becomes vulnerable to the consequences of missing things at school. If he gets behind, whatever tasks or challenges he was dealing with before will not have gone away. In fact, they will likely become even more anxiety producing because he has fallen behind and/or he has had more time to worry and assume he is incapable of handling them. Avoidance allows anxiety to grow and feel less surmountable.
In the vignette above, Ann has erred on the side of safety. She is also avoiding conflict with Seth around the legitimacy of his illness. She knows his pain is real. He does not have a history of lying to her. Sending him to school when he is not a risk to others or himself would allow him to wrestle with his anxiety and ambivalence about school. She has taken action that protects the parent-child connection by avoiding conflict, but may not have been the best decision for Seth developmentally. Therefore, in this situation, Ann is being sensitive and caring, but not as attuned as she needs to be to the developmental challenges Seth needs to master. She is a loving, caring mother. When her son hurts, she hurts for him. Because Ann has not inquired about what is going on at school, nor is she incorporating what she has been tracking about school, she totally misses the role of humiliation in this whole stomachache process.
The risk is that Seth has been allowed to avoid not only school and the challenges it presents, but the necessary opportunities to stay engaged and learn to tolerate feelings as he gains greater competence (and confidence). Seth may experience anxiety as a physical process in his gut. We all feel it in our own ways in our own favorite part of the body: gut, chest or head. A focus on the physical symptom and not on the emotion and underlying issue allows the physical symptom to continue as “the problem”. In Seth’s case, Ann needed to possess awareness that anxiety was responsible for causing the stomach upset. The anxiety was the result of Seth’s sensitivity to begin with and his concerns about judgment or what others will think of him. As we learned in the other example when Ann inquired, we learned that he fears feeling humiliated for creating a project that the other boys may consider “girly”.
By avoiding school, where the solution needs to occur in this case, Seth has kept his problem at the level of “I have a stomach problem”. The more he avoids, the worse the problem gets and the more he comes to believe and really experience that his stomach problem is unmanageable. If Ann tries to send him to school, he will either feel hurt that she does not believe him or angry at her for being so insensitive. She does not want an argument, nor does she want her son to feel she has let him down. If Ann has experienced insensitivity herself, she is unlikely to want her son to feel it from her.
The opinion of peers has become important to Seth. He worries about fitting in and feeling adequate. His project is an extension of him, but he does not trust that it will be deemed acceptable. He also does not trust that his presentation will be adequate. All he can think about is being judged and found faulty. His stomachache is likely a reflection of this conflict he feels about feeling adequate and acceptable. If staying home seems to soothe his upset stomach, then he has learned how to make the symptom go away, but not the cause. Nor has he learned to manage the developmental bind that gave rise to the anxiety. In the levels of analysis approach, we see that Seth’s behavior, in this case school avoidance, is the behavior developed to manage an emotion (anxiety). By not understanding the emotion and the issue (adequacy and acceptance) that gives rise to it, he will remain stuck, having to rely on his attempts to keep the bad feelings away with avoidance behavior. It falls upon Ann and Greg to understand the situation more deeply, such that all the levels of analysis are considered.
What makes this an even more difficult problem for Ann is the fact that as a child, her parents tended to miss a lot of what was going on with her. Her father told her to just “tough it out” and her mother was unable to manage her own emotions, let alone attend to Ann’s. So, much of what was going on with Ann was not even on her parent’s radar. She never went to her parents when she was feeling bad. Her father would not be sensitive and his lack of sympathy would be more painful than whatever the problem was to begin with. And her mother? Her mother would just get upset to the extent that Ann ended up having to take care of her instead. So, Ann just learned to take care of herself. But she was determined not to let that happen with her kids. If they had something the matter, she wanted to know about it. Seth had always been a sensitive kid, and she did not want to leave him hanging like she was as a kid. She learned to “tough it out” but Seth was not a tough-it-out-sort-of-kid.
Another version of Ann may be one where all hurts need loving attention. Her parents were always there for her and she should be for her children. Ann would feel terrible if she forced Seth to do something, like go to school when he is sick, leaving him feeling abandoned by his mother. Instead of Seth having to wrestle with the bind of growing up or remaining safe as a child, Ann is the one who suffers with the bind. She protects him, feeling helpless to do anything else. Ann has grown up in a family where everyone treated each other with respect. Anger was never openly expressed. In her family, everything was attended to with no need for anyone to get angry. Consequently, she does not realize that some of her reluctance to send Seth to school is her tendency to act in ways that avoid anger and conflict.
Seth is a very bright and sensitive kid. In isolation, he only has his own reasoning to explain things. He can be a perfectionist, not trusting that his work is good enough. He can be sensitive to potential rejection and fear that he will appear deficient. Kids like Seth need a parent who can help them get over the initial hump of engagement so that the real world can give them more objective feedback of where they stand, how they are perceived and whether their work has merit. Ann also needs to recognize that a kid like Seth will also need help in making these interpretations because he is so sensitive and inclined to perceive disappointment.
This would have been a particularly good time for Greg to be involved, especially if he was attuned to the need to avoid humiliation at all costs role in this school avoidance process. Greg may not have been the super sensitive kid that Seth is, but he likely has experiences of his own around the need to guard against middle-school-humiliation.
We can be simultaneously empathic and encourage engagement.
Engagement with developmental conflicts promotes growth.
A MESS
Emotional Competence
Genuine Self-Esteem
Relatedness
An even more challenging situation arises if Seth’s problem involves migraine headaches. In this example, Seth is a junior in high school.
“Migraines On School Days”
Seth is totally incapacitated by migraines, such that he has to retreat to his room, in total darkness and total silence. Sometimes, even the strongest of medicines will not make the pain stop. Interestingly, Seth has much less trouble with migraines on weekends. He is able to go out with his friends and be a normal teenager on most non-school days. Nobody doubts the reality of the pain. Its evidence is unmistakable when you look into Seth’s eyes on those days. Greg and Ann have resigned themselves to homeschooling Seth, because he was so far behind that he was flunking all his classes. With the online courses, Seth is actually ahead of most of his peers in several subjects. Greg and Ann require that all his assignments be completed before he can go out on the weekend with friends. But next year he needs to apply to college and they are worried whether he will be able to handle the transition.
Greg and Ann have rationalized their decision to home school Seth by pointing to the fact that he is making greater progress in important subject areas working with the on-line course work and a tutor. However, Seth has not had to learn to overcome challenges and get work done despite his vulnerability to headaches.
By expecting Seth to attend school, he would have to fashion something workable with his teachers and the expectations of school. If he needed to retreat to a dark and quiet place, that likely could be engineered at school. He should not give up on school because his headaches incapacitate him at times. Seth will need to learn that he needs to stay on top of his work, even working ahead, if he is to successfully hold a job or attend college, and meet the expectations of these institutions. Although the world runs on social time (History class is at 9:40) and his headaches seem to him to run on biological time (whenever the blood vessels in his brain act up), he still needs to find a way to deal with social time. He cannot opt out of the system forever.
Greg and Ann are caring parents. They knew that Seth was a very sensitive child from birth¹. He was difficult to soothe. He reacted strongly to novel noises, new clothing, and changes in routines. They did everything possible to treat Seth’s migraines, which seemed to be an unfortunate extension of his long-standing sensitivity. Unfortunately, they lost sight of the fact that it is possible to be empathic when it comes to how bad he feels, yet still hold him to his obligatory challenges of development. Feeling forced to choose between protection and self-development, they believe they are making the best choice: safety with a good (academic) education. They are also maintaining their loving connection with Seth with this solution.
But this seemingly loving act ends up limiting Seth developmentally and possibly medically. As a result of this course of avoidance, Seth does not trust that he can handle many situations in his life. He requires accommodations and external supports, where he needs to be able to handle things himself. When he got to college, he struggled greatly with his migraines. He was unable to keep up in his math and science classes and his grades were hugely disappointing to him. When professors expected him to meet the class requirements like everyone else, he sometimes got into angry exchanges about fairness that pulled Ann and Greg in on his behalf. At the end of his sophomore year, it was not clear whether Seth would be able to complete college. They did not know whether he needed to transfer to a less challenging institution or a more accommodating one. They had exhausted every medical and pharmacological solution. They were close to wearing out their welcome at the college as well. Finally, they threw up their hands and decided that Seth would just have to figure it out.
To his credit, Seth took a hard look at everything in his life that could contribute to his headaches². He stripped his diet down to its basic level and built it back, one food item at a time. He became vigilant about getting enough sleep. He got on top of his work and stayed there, preventing the need for last minute all-nighters and desperate pleas for more time. He put schoolwork first and found he still had time for fun when his work was done. Over the course of the next two years of college, he accepted more and more responsibility for his own education and health. A pleasant surprise was the fact that the headaches were much fewer, shorter in duration and far less intense. He came to understand many of the triggers for his headaches. He also learned that his emotional upset with himself and others when he got into untenable binds made the headaches considerably worse. The more self-reliant he became, the healthier he became.
Lacking clear medical understanding of Seth’s headaches, Ann and Greg felt compelled to err on the side of health and safety. In the midst of his pain and the urgency it created in everyone, it was difficult to take a long-term developmental perspective. It was especially hard to act on such a perspective when it seemed to make things worse in the short-run, such as sending him to school when he was in pain.
This was a long difficult journey. Fortunately it had a happy ending. In these situations above, attunement to important developmental goals can help us make important decisions that risk conflict and strain on the parent-child relationship, act in ways counter to the way our gut is moving us to act, or tolerate the immediate pain we are witnessing in the midst of our children’s need to struggle.
Children need our empathy and support. But children also need spaces within which they have to struggle without us. It is empowering for children to know we trust them with their struggles. It is growth producing when the child finds a way to handle the challenge. Genuine self-esteem is built upon this process of gaining competence, often the result of overcoming difficult challenges. We don’t expect a child who can’t swim to jump in the deep end, but a child who has swum across the pool in the shallow end is ready to swim across in the deep end.
If Seth has been able to function fine on non-school days, then his struggle has to do with school and he probably needs to engage that struggle at school, where he will have to make constant decisions about whether he is able to get to a class, join his friends in the cafeteria, participate in the club after school, or attend his favorite class. Seth’s desire to be with friends or even his embarrassment of being in the nurses office are healthy concerns for him to balance with how intolerable his pain is and what he can manage. By allowing him to stay home, all of these little personal struggles (and opportunities for growth) are kept from him. The difficult binds are either avoided, or they begin to reside within the parent-child relationship instead of in the child.
Here is an example of how that important developmental challenge might have been addressed:
“Darkroom or Dungeon?”
“Mom, you’re a doctor. You know I’m not faking my headaches,” pleads Seth.
“Honey, we know the pain you feel is real. We also know that some days it hurts so much you can’t stand it and have to shut out everything,” responds Ann, as gently as she can manage.
“So why are you making me go to school?” argues Seth. “I’m not being lazy. I’m doing great with my schoolwork. I’m way ahead of my friends in math.”
Greg adds, “No one could ever accuse you of being lazy Seth. We know how hard you work. We know you are a very serious student. You’ve never tried to just get by. We really respect how hard you work.”
Seth repeats his main point, “I don’t understand. When I have my migraines, I can’t be in school.”
“We feel badly that your headaches are so frequent and painful. When you have them, you need to be able to take care of yourself. What do you do at home on the days when you have a migraine?” asks Ann.
“I take an Imitrix; drink a lot of water; put the blindfold on; put the earplugs in; and curl up in bed,” summarizes Seth.
“We talked to the school principal, Mr. Fowler, and he has agreed to provide you a space to go when you are suffering a migraine attack,” Ann continues. “It will allow you to do all of those things you do to take care of yourself.”
“At the school? You must be kidding! No way I’ll be comfortable there,” protests Seth.
“Actually, we would like you to give it a try Seth. He’s been pretty cool about making this work for you. He really wants you to be able to stay in school and graduate with your class. He said, ‘Just wouldn’t be the same around here without Seth’.”
Seth is caught off guard. “Mr. Fowler said that? I didn’t even know he knew my name.”
Greg begins to explain, “You’d be surprised what that guy pays attention to. Anyway, he said there is a nice big photography darkroom they don’t use anymore. He said, ‘As of five years ago, it has become a museum.’ He said, ‘it is the darkest, quietest place in the whole school’.”
“So how am I supposed to get comfortable? Rest my head on the print dryer? Lean against the enlarger?” Seth pushes back.
“Actually, we thought maybe we could move that couch you like to lie on in the basement over to the school,” explains Ann.
“In fact. Mr. Fowler said as long as you were coming to school, you could fix the room up anyway you wanted. ‘Just no overnight guests’, is what he said,” adds Greg, trying to ease Seth’s anxiety with a little humor.
“He said what?” blurts Ann, having missed this part of the arrangement with the principal.
“That would be different kind of headache,” laughs Greg.
“This is not a laughing matter, you two,” answers Seth, letting his father’s lame humor die on the vine. “I don’t know if I am ready for this.”
“We checked it out with your doctor and he said he was cool with it,” answers Greg.
“Since when is ‘cool with it’ a medical recommendation?” objects Seth.
“I think it is a treatment developed by Dr. Robert Marley,” opines Greg.
“Don’t Worry Be Happy is not a treatment, man,” mimicking the Jamaican lilt in his father’s voice.
“Hey you two. Let’s get serious. Dad and I believe you can make this work. You are going off to college in 18 months, so let’s get started now with finding a way for you to manage away from home,” Ann explains.
“This feels like I’m getting pushed into the deep end, Mom,” says Seth.
“Yes, I can see how it might feel that way. But you’ll have lot’s of floatation devices on hand. The school nurse will be available. You can call me on your cell phone, just like you do when you are at home. You’ll have access to medicine, darkness, quiet and your friends will be just down the hall,” she continues.
“My friends? How are they going to be helpful?” wonders Seth, feeling a little embarrassed about the idea of his friends knowing about this arrangement. “They are going to think this is lame.”
“Lame compared to what?” interjects Greg, reminding him that there is no honor in being home from school all day.
“Why don’t you ask them which is better, having you near by or only seeing you on the weekends,” offers Ann, softening Greg’s challenging style.
“Doesn’t sound like I have a choice,” pleads Seth.
“This will be a real challenge for you, Seth, but we think you’ll find a way to make it work. And there are a lot of people that will help make it work for you,” Ann explains.
“Hey, what do you have to lose?” asks Greg.
“My dignity, for one,” responds Seth.
“I’ll check in with you about your dignity at the end of the semester, kiddo. I agree with Mom. I think you’ll find a way to make this work,” answers Greg, trying his best to be both empathic and reassuring yet firm.
“Whatever. Doesn’t sound like you are going to budge on this one. But if I can’t get comfortable, I’m taking the bus home,” threatens Seth.
“Make sure you catch the Blue Line, Seth. I think they are the ones with the sleeper cars,” pokes Greg.
“Honey, it is no wonder our son suffers from migraines. For all we know, your sarcasm may be the primary trigger,” pounces Ann.
A resigned Seth turns to his mother and says, “Thanks, Mom. I could not have said it any better or cleaner if I tried.”
Empathy must be accompanied by challenges.
This option feels very risky to Seth. He’s frustrated with the expectation because when he has a migraine, he is desperate to make it go away. Adding the burden of doing it at school feels really over-the-top in terms of what he feels capable of. But he can tell his parents are set on trying this and he knows they have been very understanding and caring through the whole ordeal. So he will give it a try. But if it doesn’t work, he’s going back to what he knows does work.
This also feels risky for Ann and Greg. They have spent many hours talking about it and racking their brains for a solution. The fact that the migraines are significantly reduced on weekends is a very hopeful sign. Since Seth’s pattern of headaches reemerged when he attended an alternative school, they concluded that there there must be some psychological component to the problem. As a result, Seth has started seeing a psychologist. Although the psychologist has not figured out any cure for the headaches either, she did recommend that Seth get back to school. She reminded Ann and Greg of what they already knew, but have been reluctant to enforce – that Seth needs to find a way to carry on with real world demands despite the headaches.
The darkroom solution is an elegant one. What they have done is take all the treatment solutions that Seth relies upon at home and recreated them at school. Seth has become pretty good at managing his headaches when they occur. And now he will need to do that at school. What will be different is the constant tension he will need to wrestle with as to whether his headache is severe enough that he needs to leave his friends and classes; whether he has recovered enough during the day to return to them; and how much can he tolerate as he stays engaged with what is satisfying. With his home schooling option, this whole difficult process of constantly making these decisions and adjustments was foreclosed. This “school solution” moves the struggle back into Seth where it belongs and makes it a constant process – thus promoting growth. It feels risky to everyone involved, but it is developmentally the right thing to do. Ann and Greg will be constantly available to him to cheer him on, offer advice, and prevent a premature exit. Ann can feel her own head throbbing already.
A MESS
Emotional Competence
Internal Discipline
Genuine Self-Esteem
Relatedness
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Ideally this plan would have involved Seth. Greg and Ann tried on a number of occasions to discuss a plan whereby Seth would reengage with school. Every time they did, despite their best efforts and resolve, they ended up with the same solution: home schooling. They even gave it a try in a therapist’s office, with the therapist involved in the discussion. But no one could get Seth to take the leap-of-faith that he could make it work at school.
The decision to create a safe environment and then gently insist that he give it a try was based on the understanding Greg and Ann possessed about what Seth needed, supported by the advice of the therapist and the school dean. What they created was a safe and supportive environment that offered Seth everything he needed at home to manage his migraines. In the end, the only difference was setting, not the supports. They were providing him the scaffolding in the ZPD sense, knowing this was the zone of proximal development he needed to be grappling with and that the development was not occurring when he remained at home.
Another realization they reached along with the therapist was the therapeutic impasse they all had reached, one that all parties shared a role in maintaining. In essence, the impasse occurred around the shared notion that Seth was too fragile to be pushed too hard or too fast. In the moment, in his presence, that fragility was certainly felt and responded to. They empathized with Seth’s suffering and desperation to feel safe. However, with a few steps back and some objectivity, the evidence pointed to much less fragility than they were reacting to. The primary evidence for that capacity was the fact that Seth had days when he was relatively free from migraines. The other part of it was the realization that he could be as safe in this school setting as he was at home. If there was a dialogue involving Seth, it would likely begin with an acknowledgment of this therapeutic impasse around fragility, followed by his parents belief about his potential for growth. Such a dialogue would entail an empathic but authoritative stance that might not feel very empathic to Seth, but would be one that he thanked them for later in life.
A MESS
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* Authoritative parenting involves clear expectations and consequences, but is accompanied by sensitivity and responsiveness. Authoritarian parenting is demanding but lacks the responsiveness. Permissive parenting has the sensitivity and responsiveness but lacks the clear expectations and consequences. Neglectful parenting lacks both the demands as well as the responsiveness. As you may have guessed, the authoritative parenting style promotes the healthier outcomes.
The best summary of authoritative parenting is Laurence Steinberg’s The Ten Basic Principles of Effective Parenting. He is also a leading authority on adolescence. Take a look at You and Your Adolescent.
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¹ See The Highly Sensitive Child, if Seth’s characteristics sound familiar.
² See Heal Your Headache, a great resource for understanding the potential causes of migraines.
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Link to Raise Your Parenting IQ – Chapter 6.