Raise Your Parenting AQ – Chapter 1
Attunement (A) = An appreciation of your child’s unique interests, abilities, temperament, and developmental progress.
The World’s Greatest Mountain Climber
Don’t let ambition drown in a sea of anxiety
“When I Grow Up”
“When I grow up, I’m going to be the world’s greatest mountain climber!” announces the proud four-year-old.
“Wow,” responds his dad.
“Yeah. I’m going to be just like the guy on television.”
“Which one?”
“You know. The guy with the cool uniform.”
“Do you mean the guy who climbs to the top of the cliff in his sweaty undershirt and then has on his fancy uniform a minute later.”
“Yeah, that’s the one. I’m going to climb just like that guy.”
“How did he get up there?”
“He climbed, Dad. Weren’t you watching?”
“All by himself?”
“Sure.” He gives his dad the, “Did you see anyone else around?” look.
“So who took his picture?”
“His dad.”
“How did his dad get up there?”
Again looking a little impatient with his dad, he explains, “his Dad is bigger than he is.”
“Oh. So how did he get the fancy uniform to wear in the picture?”
“His mommy gave it to him.”
“Looks like she ironed it, too.”
“Sure.”
This little guy is Tim and he is four years old. He’s seen the Marine Corps advertisement on television where the well-conditioned young man hauls himself to the top of a cliff and later stands there, a proud Marine in full dress uniform. Tim is impressed and it’s a great commercial. It stirs the little boy’s ambition to grow up strong and be somebody cool. That’s a natural developmental goal, to develop oneself. His father, Greg, recognizes that ambition and allows him to aspire to it. Even if Greg knows the dangers of being a real Marine, he keeps this to himself, because he knows that Tim is engaged in good healthy exploration. He’s attuned to Tim’s developmental level, the drive to become his own person, and the dreaming and exploring that goes along with it. Because of his age, Tim sees nothing inconsistent with the fact that this Marine seemed to climb the cliff all by himself, no ropes, and no fellow climbers. He also makes an assumption that the guy’s dad was along to photograph the whole affair, as his dad likely does frequently for his little adventures. He also makes an assumption that the Marine’s mother is nearby to take care of him, in this case with a freshly pressed uniform. For the adults, the boy’s response is endearing and funny. But the boy sees no inconsistencies. He assumes, by virtue of his experience, that his parents are safely nearby to protect and provide for him. Hence, he can go explore and even climb mountains when he grows up, because he has a secure base from which to operate. This boy has the luxury to explore and develop himself because he knows his parents will keep him safe. His parents, Ann and Greg, neither of whom climb nor have they been in the Marine Corps, honor his exploration with their attention and genuine interest. A necessity to healthy development of self in childhood is the possession of a secure attachment to a parent.
Tim’s parents know that their job is not only to keep him safe, but also to honor his desire to grow into an individual. Taking an interest in and supporting that quest is ultimately how they will remain close to Tim during his childhood. And so far, it has been easy, because Tim is constantly exploring and creating. Just last week, Tim gave his parents a complete anatomy lecture with the use of a visual aide he must have produced by lying on the floor and tracing around himself. What he had produced was a life-size, anatomically correct drawing of himself as a doctor, complete with a stethoscope and penis. Tim’s picture, dubbed “McDreamy” by Ann’s med students, now hangs proudly in her office at the hospital. Greg and Ann allow for the healthy explorations, knowing to be curious, but not critical.
Children are curious. They are born with a desire to explore, learn and master challenges. Parents provide a safe base for these healthy quests.
Supporting the development of interests and capabilities promotes the healthy development of an individual while maintaining parent-child closeness.
Relatedness
Curiosity
If you have not seen the advertisement that caught Tim’s attention, then here is the link to the USMC video entitled, “The Climb”)
“Be Careful”
This interaction between Tim and Greg could very easily have been quite different, even within a loving, caring family.
“When I grow up, I’m going to be the world’s greatest mountain climber!” announces the proud four-year-old.
“Rock climbing is a very dangerous sport, especially when they do not use ropes,” responds his dad.
“I’m going to be just like the guy on television.”
“You watch a lot of television don’t you?”
“I’m going to be like the guy with the cool uniform.”
“Do you mean the guy who climbs to the top in his sweaty undershirt and then has on his fancy uniform a minute later.”
“Yeah, that’s the one. I’m going to climb just like that guy.”
“You know that (commercial) wasn’t real.”
“He climbed, Dad. Weren’t you watching?”
“All by himself?”
“Sure.” He gives his dad the, “Did you see anyone else around?” look.
“The commercial is all just made up in the studio. You know how they do it? The actor climbs in front of a blank screen and then they use a computer to put the picture of the rock in later.”
“That guy really climbed it. I saw it.”
“When you are older, you will understand how they use the computer to make it look like he is climbing.”
“I like the cool uniform too, Dad.”
“They want you to think it is cool to be a Marine. But being a Marine is really dangerous. Lot’s of Marines get killed.”
“Don’t you think that Marine was cool?”
“We want you to be safe. Climbing mountains and joining the Marines are not the two safest things a guy can do.”
This boy’s father is loving and caring. He wants to protect Tim and believes you can never start too early with a good education when it comes to keeping him safe. When Tim brings something up, Greg talks to him like he is old enough to reason about everything being discussed. Therefore, in Greg’s mind, if Tim is contemplating rock climbing, then the he needs to contemplate the risks involved. Greg is very vigilant about what Tim needs to learn. He even sticks in a comment about watching a lot of television, which is a veiled criticism Tim likely misses at this age, but will not in the coming years. Instead of unconditionally appreciating Tim’s dreaming and curiosity, Greg filters everything through a lens of appropriateness and safety. When Tim fails to drop his unreasonable wish, Greg resorts to telling him that the soldier is not real and that the whole episode is just a commercial, assuming that Tim needs to know the truth and that others are just trying to manipulate him.
Greg is well meaning and wants to protect Tim from harm. If Tim was seventeen and saying he wanted to climb mountains and join the Marines, Greg might need to ask him to consider all the potential consequences carefully. But this little guy is only four years old. If this pattern continues, Greg will transmit his fears to his son and instead of Tim having healthy ambitions; he will constantly be focused on risk. Greg is failing to make the transition from protector of a helpless child to parent attuned to his son’s wish to grow strong and competent.
In this vignette, Greg’s interaction with Tim does not fit with Tim’s developmental level, or his need for healthy dreaming. His need to protect Tim may relate more to Greg’s need to manage his own anxiety about protecting his child and being a good parent. Greg is probably not even thinking about what he is saying. Concerns about safety probably guide his thoughts and actions as a parent. He needs to step back and determine whether his words of caution are what Tim needs at this age, or whether they are in the service of managing his own issues, such as being a good parent or viewing the world as dangerous or manipulative.
We must be careful not to stifle healthy ambition by transmitting our own fears to our children. A child’s ambition needs unconditional appreciation.
We need to make the transition from an attachment based on protection and dependence to one based on an awareness of the striving for growth.
Key Concepts: Self vs. Relatedness Bind; secure attachment; unconditional love; genuine interest of parent
Curiosity
“We’re All Different”
We must remember that our kids are not the same as we are with the same interests and temperaments, nor are they like their siblings. Ann and Greg recognize the importance of striving for competence and how it takes different forms depending on the kid and it may not be done as neatly or consistently as they might wish. As a parent, Ann has needed to tolerate a little more messiness than she normally tolerates in her life.
Last summer, with a pile of cardboard boxes rescued from the appliance store, Seth, Tim’s older brother, was totally consumed in his “project”. By dinnertime, the driveway was blocked by what he proudly dubbed his “battleship”. The intense process of figuring out how to add a gun here, or a turret there, or where the sailors would sleep and eat, as well as pee and shower, were all decisions that had to be planned for and designed and constructed. Building a sound battleship took time and Seth was totally immersed the entire day as he cut, taped, and drew. In the end, he could tell you where everything was and why it was there and how it worked. He wasn’t giggling in front of the television, but he was totally engaged, for hours. In the end, he was very proud of what he had built. Now the only problem was negotiating space in the driveway for the cars.
Creativity & Vision
Curiosity
Genuine Self-Esteem
Internal Discipline
Logical Thinking
Ann and Greg recognize that their three kids are each different. Whereas Tim wants to climb everything and is not shy, his older brother Seth is cautious and particular about everything. He is very sensitive to changes in routine, the feel of his clothes, or the noise others are making. He has an amazing ability to concentrate and when he locks onto something, like the battleship project, Ann and Greg know to just stand back and let him go, because he will produce some amazing things if they don’t try to tell him how to do everything.
The boys have a younger sister, Tess, who is completely different as well. She is strong-willed and very concerned about fairness. She is slow to make friends, but once she does make a friend, they are her friends for life. At home, she is very engaging, but often argumentative when she finds something blocking her.
“I Can’t Let Him Fall”
In this vignette, Tim is seven.
“What were you doing on top of the backstop, honey?” Ann asks while she strokes his forehead in the hospital emergency room.
“Practicing my mountain climbing,” responds Tim, wincing with pain.
“Backstops are for stopping baseballs, not climbing.”
“No, it’s easy. It’s got lots of places to hold on. I just got distracted.”
“You “just” got a broken elbow.”
“Is the coach mad at me?”
“Why would he be mad?”
“He was shouting at me.”
“He was worried you were going to fall.”
“He started running and I thought I was in trouble.”
“No, honey. He was scared and wanted to come help you get down.”
“I always get down, Mom.”
“Not like you did today.”
“Is the coach going to let me play?”
“After you get your cast off.”
“When is that going to be?”
“Six weeks, I think.”
“Then can I play?”
“Then you have to teach your elbow to bend again.”
“What do mountain climbers do when they fall and break their arms?”
“They use ropes and have other people with to catch them.”
“Yeah, I should have brought you with, shouldn’t I?”
“That would have been one solution. Do you want us to teach you how to climb safely?”
“Cool. Does Daddy know how to climb?”
“He will by tomorrow.”
Only a hundred yards away, straight across the park in the back yard, hardly out of her view, and he falls and breaks his elbow. Ann, is feeling pretty guilty for not supervising Tim more closely. But he has always been a climber and she has learned to tolerate his tree climbing in the back yard. He had walked to practice before with no problems. There were lots of kids and parents around. So her interview of him is genuine curiosity, but she is also wondering what she should have done differently in terms of allowing him his chance to be a normal kid and still protect him as a mother.
It appears that he arrived before everyone else and the backstop was “just there”, begging to be climbed. In fact, she knows he has climbed the backstop multiple times with no problem and the trees he climbs are considerably taller. Her quizzing discovers that Tim believed he was going to get into trouble with his coach for climbing the backstop. He misinterpreted the yelling and running of the coach to be anger. If he knows that this is a forbidden activity during practice, he assumed he was in trouble. It did not occur to him that the coach’s yelling and running were out of concern for his safety. This is an understandable assumption for a grade school kid to make, especially when he is pushing the boundaries a little. Not every adult is tolerant, flexible, understanding, or concerned.
Ann’s quizzing helps Tim understand that there were other possible ways to view the situation and that the coach was not necessarily angry with him. Kids can make assumptions based on their observations or experiences or expectations. Without some perspective, like his mother is providing, Tim can be left to believe the story he created. Without parental perspective, these assumptions can become beliefs or guide behaviors that make these assumptions more likely to come true. Ann knows the value of a good “debriefing” after an incident like this, after something she knows occurred at school, or just at night before bed when asking about his day.
Communication
Logical Thinking
Ann and Greg enjoy reading to their kids before bedtime. As their kids get older, this time evolved into a time to find out about their days and what sense they made of events. They know that, just like the assumptions Tim was making about his coach, it is good to get at these assumptions early, before the cognitive cement dries.
In the ER, Tim is asked to reexamine what happened to see if he could figure out what he might do differently next time. Ann is doing the same. She recognized that her son loves to climb. She can keep him grounded and thereby safe, but she knows that would not be fair to him and would not honor her son’s genuine interests and curiosity. Consequently, she brainstormed as to how she can honor his development of a self, yet keep him safe. If kids must be kids, then they need someone to show them how to do it responsibly. She also knows that her husband agrees with their approach of honoring their child’s interests but keeping him safe. Although Greg grew up playing baseball, he is willing to learn new sports or interests if that is the path his children choose to follow. He also knows that if he is passionate about something, Tim will likely want to imitate him at this age. But he is fully prepared for climbing to supplant baseball eventually.
Curiosity
Relatedness
Ann and Greg are aware of where Tim is developmentally. They know that mountains need to be climbed. Kids need to have ambitions. Kids need to climb mountains so they gain mastery and greater competence in addition to the satisfaction that comes from the climb. Instead of just a focus on safety and protection, they find ways to honor the necessary growth, yet keep him safe in the process. The trust and closeness that Tim feels toward his parents is maintained because they are tuned into him and where he is headed developmentally. In this situation, instead of keeping him safe by grounding him, Ann has made the decision that greater competence or mastery in the art of climbing is the best solution to both goals – self development and safety.
Tim is not old enough to take everything into consideration before acting. He saw something that intrigued him and he went after it. He did not stop to logically think, “what will my coach think, what if I fall, is there anyone around to spot me, …” He just started climbing. He also assumed that this climb would be no different than any other. But past climbs have not been complicated by the interruption of a yelling and running coach. He was not able to calmly stay put and reason about what the intentions of the coach were. He was not able to calmly consider a safe descent. Young kids are capable of individual tasks, but under pressure, may lose their ability to do them competently, especially when they have to make quick judgments that require consideration of multiple factors simultaneously. (Adults have many of these possibilities already stored into nice neat bundles that they can retrieve quickly and consider simultaneously. Kids on the other hand not only lack that experience, but also lack the cognitive bundling. So they are left to sort out the individual pieces of each event, leaving no room in their working memory for other possibilities to be considered at the same time. (See Why Kids …) ) This is also the case for seemingly competent teenage drivers when they face emergency situations. Pulling everything together is a valuable role adults play in the lives of their children, well into adolescence. Adults can consider all the factors simultaneously and set rules or boundaries as a result. They can also lead a child through the linkages after-the-fact, so that the child gains a more integrated view of his actions and possibilities for next time. That is another reason Ann and Greg love to hear about the events of the day at bedtime.
As parents, we need to listen with genuine curiosity to understand what sense our children make of events.
Children need us to interpret things and integrate them. Without our help they deal only in the present, without consideration of all factors, including consequences. They make assumptions based on incomplete information and arrive at the simplest, most available explanations.
Logical Thinking
Emotional Range
Empathy
“Mommy, are you angry?”
Ann was upset that Tim was hurt. She wants him to be safe. Not repeating this behavior again is of foremost importance. This could easily have been much worse. He could have hit his head and suffered permanent damage. What if Ann had responded to Tim differently in the emergency room?
“Why were you climbing on the backstop? You know I told you climbing is dangerous.”
“No, it’s not Mom. There are lots of places for my feet and hands (on the backstop).”
“You know the coach doesn’t allow you to do that.”
“I know. I thought I was in big trouble when he saw me at the top.”
“Why did you go to the practice without telling me?”
“Mom. It’s the same time every day. You could see me right out the kitchen window.”
“If I can’t trust you to stay safe, I’m going to keep you home where I can see you.”
“I don’t get into trouble.”
“What do you call that?” pointing to his broken elbow.
“Is the coach mad at me?”
“He should be.”
“When am I going to get to play baseball?”
“I don’t know. You can’t play baseball with a broken elbow, that’s for sure.”
“Are you mad at me, Mom?”
“Should I be?”
Emotional Range
Communication
Parent Issues
In this example, Ann is scared, guilty, and eventually angry and she lets her own issues get in the way of recognizing how Tim’s actions were understandable developmentally. Instead of tuning into what Tim is trying to tell her or that some accidents are simply not avoidable for a kid his age, she is caught up in preventing something like this from happening again. The simplest way to keep her son safe, she thinks, is to exert more control over where he is and what he is doing. She is going to choose to err on the side of control rather than allow such freedom as today to result in a disaster, which she feels this could easily have been. She is also feeling pretty guilty that she did not prevent this mishap and she is trying to manage that guilt by the anger and blaming that are leaking out.
Ann is unable to recognize that her emotions are driving her actions and preventing her from listening carefully like she did in the earlier example. Tim knows she is angry and asks her about it. Instead of owning up to it, she tries to avoid admitting it and regardless of whether she intended to, puts it back on him. Although well meaning, Ann has burdened Tim with the very same anxiety and guilt she has been feeling. Her response to his question of “are you mad at me”, not only leaves him with the belief that she is mad at him, but that he is to blame for her upset. This is a very unhealthy course to be taking, where Tim is left to tune into what his mother is feeling and concludes that he is responsible for her feelings and then blames himself when she is not feeling happy. Not only will he stop climbing trees, he will shut down much more of himself in the future.
Without our attunement, children will assume responsibility for our feelings. This is the unnecessary basis for guilt and shame.
Relatedness
Communication
Emotional Range
“Lift Off”
Ann should realize that some accidents are simply not possible to prevent. Earlier that summer, she was at the park with her daughter, Tess, and their baby sitter, Laura. Not more than three feet away, Tess launched herself from her safety seat of the swing, gleefully yelling, “Catch me, Yora!” only to land on her chin. In the emergency room, Anne lamented to Greg that she was the only doctor whose kids looked like hockey players. At age three, Tim tried to jump from the basement stairs to the chest freezer, only to appear moments later in the kitchen looking like he had opened a plate glass window with his forehead. Tess assumed that someone was always there to catch her and that they were always tuned into her. Tess obviously had a secure attachment to her parents and Laura, her baby sitter. Instead of keeping her out of the park and off all the equipment, Laura and Tess added another step to Tess’ flying. Before taking off, she checked with Laura to make sure Laura heard her. This was a hard lesson, but Tess and Laura were back to the park even before the bandages were off.
Communication
Engagement
Safety
Dependence vs. Self Development
“The Little Wheeler Dealer”
Just like Greg and Ann have to recognize their bind between providing for the development of a self and maintaining safety, so must kids wrestle with this same bind. Tess was truly attached to her pacifier. Despite being almost four years old, she still relied on her pacifier to soothe herself when she was upset or in need of settling down to sleep at night. But Tess was also eager to get the training wheels off her bicycle. She could not frame the issue as, “Dad, I need to move on with my life. You need to give me some more freedom here.” Instead, she knew she wanted those training wheels off and she also knew her parents were eager for her to relinquish her pacifiers (and learn to soothe herself). The day before her fourth birthday, she came to Greg with a proposal he could not ignore.
“Daddy, if I give you my passies, will you take off my training wheels?”
“Aren’t you a little young for riding without training wheels?”
“Which do you want Dad, passies or training wheels?”
Greg was aware that his daughter was making great progress with her biking, and despite his concerns about safety, he listened to her request. Here was his daughter doing her own important developmental work, balancing moving ahead with something she truly wanted versus giving up some security or safety that she found very comforting. Greg was thrilled to see her doing the work herself. All he had to do was manage his anxiety and get out the wrench.
Our kids will show us when they are ready, not the calendar.
A shift from dependence to attunement allows for a close attachment to be maintained. As infants, our children were helpless and dependent upon us for safety and nurturance. Our children seek to grow up and tuning into that quest and supporting it needs to become a source of closeness. If dependency is the basis for closeness, then development is stifled or rebellion is fostered.
Logical Thinking
Communication
Internal Discipline
Emotional Range (self-soothing)
Isn’t Tim a cute kid? Check out what his older brother, Seth, thinks of him in Chapter 1.5.
Are Greg and Ann too good to be true? Read this commentary on their parenting.