Possible I-E-B-R Dialogues
A child learns to “analyze before you act” through our example. Self-regulation, or moving from External control to Internal control, is promoted through the I-E-B-R analysis of behavior the parent and child engage in before and after inappropriate behaviors. The primary goals of the I-E-B-R dialogue are for the child to understand why behavior occurred; to care about what happened; to assume responsibility for his or her actions; and to move toward greater self-regulation. In other words, we want to make what is external as internal as developmentally possible.
The I-E-B-R dialogue
What can or should be covered in an I-E-B-R discussion:
Acknowledge the child’s feelings
Find out what happened
Let them know you understand their explanation
Search for the emotional contribution
Convey a message that you care about what happened
Be curious about how they can take more responsibility for their behavior
Help brainstorm a strategy for handling situation/emotions/relationships more effectively moving forward
Readjust levels of freedom, privilege, and responsibility given the behavior demonstrated.
Devise a plan for how those limits will adjust with future behaviors.
Leave them with message that privileges are determined by their assumption of responsibility.
Order of inquiry:
| I-E-B-R dialogue topic areas: | ||
| Issue: | #3 | |
| Emotion: | #2 | |
| Behavior: | #1 | |
| Response: | #4 |
Template for I-E-B-R discussions of child’s behavior
| Behavior | Remain curious.
Ask for elaboration |
How well can they describe what happened?
What is their reasoning about what happened and why? |
| Emotion | Ask them to identify feelings throughout.
Empathize with them. |
What were they feeling?
How did it affect behavior? What kind of understanding do they have of relationship between emotion and behavior? |
| Issue | Ask for them to ponder connections and causes.
Ask about what has been figured out in the past |
Can they relate this incident to past ones?
Can they see patterns in behavior – emotions – issues? |
| Response | Listen and empathize non-judgmentally so they will listen to you non-defensively.
Describe how limits/trust are adjusted |
Offer observations.
Brain storm together solutions to problems Can they take responsibility for demonstrating growth? |
¹ The more you discuss handling difficult situations before they happen, the better your child will be equipped to “analyze before acting” when faced with it in real life.
Elaborated version of I-E-B-R Dialogue:
| I-E-B-R Dialogue Topic Areas: | Strategies and concerns | Possible questions to ask
Or things to say |
| Behavior | Get child’s explanation of what happened and why. Ask for elaboration as needed for behavior, settings, and circumstances.
Remain curious about child’s reasoning. Restate what they have told you so that child knows that you understand their story and perspective. |
Tell me (your version of) what happened. Have any idea why that happened?
What do you think is going to come of that? What was going on at the time (when you did this behavior)? |
| Emotion | Let child know that you understand the feelings that contributed to what they did. (ala, “you were really angry weren’t you” or “xyz really made you angry” or “… hurt your feelings”).
Can you find a way to empathize with how they felt in the situation? (“I can see how you would feel hurt if that happened” or “I would feel angry too if someone did that to me”) |
Remember how you felt after (the behavior)?How did you feel when (behavior) was taking place?
Remember how you felt just before it happened? Any idea what made you feel that way? How did you feel when ( ) did ( )? |
| Issue | See what kind of understanding they have for the connection between feelings and behavior. | This isn’t like you. Got any ideas why this happened?
Do you think ( ) affected you in some way? Was there some intolerable feeling that needed a solution? How did that work? |
| Was he or she unaware of their feelings involved?
What happens if you venture a guess? Your questions in this area might come from good guesses you can make from knowing your child. For instance, have there been previous incidents that pointed to issues such as (threats of humiliation; shaky self-esteem; feeling rejected or feeling abandoned; fairness; trust; etc.). |
“If I were in that situation I might be feeling (hurt or angry or afraid).”
Be careful not to assume you know. Remain curious. This reminds me of what happened with ( ). Remember how you felt when ( )? Do you sometimes get worked up when ( )? |
|
| It may be premature to try to get your child to appreciate the connection between an issue and his or her behavior. But you may be searching for hypotheses and confirming or disconfirming based on the answers you are getting. | – What do you think of what you did?
Would you do it again? Why? What have you figured out that would be of help for next time? or Anything you would do differently next time? |
|
| Response | Suggestions from you: | – Can I tell you some of my thoughts and feelings concerning what happened?
– I have some suggestions for handling situations like that. Want to hear them or have you got some more figured out? |
| Adjusting Limits:
Determined by demonstrated behaviors External regulation gives way to self-regulation |
– You are a good kid so I know you can get this figured out. We need to take a step back (in terms of privileges, limits, freedoms, etc) while you are working on this. Any ideas how you can show us you are ready for the privileges you had before this happened?
Let’s decide on how you are going to show us over the next ( ) that you are ready to return to (that level of privilege, freedom, limit, …). |