Dr. B – How are things going with you and your son?
Parent A – I think our Band of Brothers bond is weakening.
Dr. B – What’s going on?
Parent A – My guess is that when I gave up electronics along with him, we got away from the “do as I say, not as I do” dad thing temporarily.
Dr. B – But not so now?
Parent A – It’s like you said. The motivation formula reads more like
Motivation (for school) = (Dad wants you to work harder in school) x (Dad thinks you are perfectly capable of working harder).
Dr. B – That doesn’t sound like the original intent of the formula.
Parent A – It is not my intent for it to be a control struggle. What am I doing wrong?
Dr. B – Don’t beat up on yourself too much. The bind you are describing is not unusual.
Parent A – What do you mean?
Dr. B – You believe your son is not putting in his full effort in school and your son alternates between saying that isn’t true or that school doesn’t matter. Is that a fair summary?
Parent A – Sure.
Dr. B – You know your son, his ability and his history, so your assessment is probably correct.
Parent A – Thank you. But where are you headed?
Dr. B – You are conflicted about his lack of effort and his future, but your son is not. If he was, he would work harder.
Parent A – Explain what you mean by “conflicted”.
Dr. B – If you want that cherry pie for dessert but know you shouldn’t eat it, you are conflicted. If you know you should mow the lawn, but don’t want to, you are conflicted.
Parent A – But my son doesn’t crave an extra slice of school.
Dr. B – That’s right. He has convinced himself that he is not interested or doesn’t need it. Kind of like you convincing yourself you don’t like cherry pie or that longer grass is good for your lawn.
Parent A – Not sure your analogies are working for me.
Dr. B – You said your son used to enjoy school. But emptying himself of his academic ambitions frees him from being conflicted about not trying.
Parent A – You think he sat down one day and planned this?
Dr. B – No, I think adolescent boys are good at avoiding anything that can be humiliating or frustrating. No planning is needed. It’s their default mode.
Parent A – What has this got to do with my struggles with him?
Dr. B – You are conflicted because he is not working harder in school. But that conflict should be in him.
Parent A – So when I try to question him about it, the conflict is between us?
Dr. B – Yeah. It becomes a parent-child control struggle. Instead of a struggle inside of him.
Parent A – How do I get that conflict or ambition or whatever inside of him?
Dr. B – When he says his B’s are good enough, you can curiously ask about that (attitude). When he says school is not important, you can ask him to elaborate on that as well.
Parent A – He’ll just view that as manipulation.
Dr. B – It’s difficult to set aside your agenda and just be genuinely curious.
Parent A – I’d rate it more like impossible.
Dr. B – Start with something like this: “Of course, I want you to give more effort in school. But I don’t want it to be the result of me forcing you to. Let’s take a step back and have you help me understand how you think and feel about stuff like learning and goals. And any time you think I’m being manipulative, point it out and I will try to stop being that way.”
Parent A – That still sounds manipulative.
Dr. B – Dropping your agenda and just being genuinely curious is hard to do. But I’m sure your son will help you get there. Your ultimate goal is for your son to figure out what he wants, not how to oppose what you want.
Parent A – You make it sound like it should be easily done.
Dr. B – If it were easy, I’d be out of a job.
(pause)
Parent A – He says he doesn’t WANT but I wonder if he worries about whether he CAN.
Dr. B – I think it would be okay to toss that formula out for discussion.
Parent A – The best defense against loss is to say you never wanted it anyway. My bet is that’ll be his response.
Dr. B – When things aren’t going well, take the focus off of him and put it …
Parent A – (overlapping) On myself. I’ve sure been guilty of coasting and avoidance – for those very reasons.
Dr. B – A little self-disclosure never hurts.
Parent A – You really think these talks will be helpful?
Dr. B – Coasting involves not thinking about what you want. Sometimes labeling the defense is the first step in …
Parent A – (overlapping) In ruining it as a defense.
Dr. B – Yeah. Something like that.
