Author: ahbtest

Dr. B – I can’t wait to hear what came of your eco activist coaching gig?

Parent A – First of all, I’m eating less meat.

Dr. B – Guilt can be a powerful force for change.

Parent A – Yes it can. Especially when the source of it lives under the same roof.

Dr. B – Ha. So, what happened with your daughter’s return to school?

Parent A – The coaching idea worked great. She loved it.

Dr. B – Tell me what happened?

Parent A – She appreciated that I understood why she did the cafeteria stunt. And when I said she just needed to improve her approach, she sat up straight and said, “Are you serious, Dad?”.

Dr. B – That’s great. That (nonjudgmental acceptance) was an important thing for her to hear from you.

Parent A – Then she asked me what I thought she should do and I said we should analyze what her goal was and how effective she felt her approach was.

Dr. B – That sounds great.

Parent A – For a thirteen-year-old, she’s given this “no meat” thing a lot of thought.

Dr. B – I can tell how proud you are of her.

Parent A – It was interesting how she was able to think out loud about what she originally wanted to do, which was to stop some behavior she opposed.

Dr. B – The serving of meat in the cafeteria?

Parent A – Yeah. I kept asking her to explain and it finally dawned on her that the school was serving hamburgers because the students wanted them.

Dr. B – How was that insightful?

Parent A – Well Doc, it’s the difference between supply side economics and demand side economics.

Dr. B – Ok. Ok. English please.

Parent A – She realized she needed to convince the students not to eat meat.

Dr. B – And you were not prompting her?

Parent A – Nope. All I did was ask, “who”, “what”, “why”, and “how”.

Dr. B – So, what did she come up with?

Parent A – You mean, what did she and her cell of eco activists concoct?

Dr. B – Yeah. That.

Parent A – Remember how she stopped saying, “meat” and started calling it “cow” when she talked to me?

Dr. B – Yeah, I thought that was very provocative.

Parent A – Provocative and powerful. One of her eco buddies is quite the artist and another is good with Illustrator, so together, with a little financial support for supplies, they blanketed the school with “Don’t eat me” fliers featuring cows with big adorable eyes and …

Dr. B – I get the picture. These kids have great futures ahead of them.

Parent A – As long as they don’t get arrested.

Dr. B – I’m sure she’ll have an answer for that as well.

Dr. B – So, how is the climate change empowerment project going?

Parent A – Well, the butterfly garden is going great. But we are struggling with what is a butterfly bush and what is a weed.

Dr. B – Ha. The crime scene tape controls intruders, but not weeds?

Parent A – Exactly. But I have to admit, I’m really proud of him. He’s lobbying for another section for next year that’s bird friendly.

Dr. B – Wow. Aren’t you the flexible parent.

Parent A – We’ll see. I got a call from my daughter’s counselor. It seems she’s broadened the scope of her “no meat” campaign.

Dr. B – Oh, oh. A little too much empowerment?

Parent A – It seems she and a couple of her fellow eco activists shut down the cafeteria line today because they were serving hamburgers.

Dr. B – Are you mad at her or proud of her?

Parent A – What’s next? Chaining herself to a redwood, one hundred feet in the air?

Dr. B – The counselor called and then what?

Parent A – They suspended the kids for three days and threatened something worse if they did it again.

Dr. B – The old “suspension solution”. Never goes out of style.

Parent A – What do you suggest I do?

Dr. B – Have you talked to your daughter yet?

Parent A – No. She said we should talk after dinner. I think she wanted time to prepare her legal brief for the court.

Dr. B – Ha. I love it.

Parent A – Easy for you to say. The school expects me to punish her and send her back to school with a “better attitude”, if I understood correctly. 

Dr. B – As in “learn to respect authority and don’t break the rules”, attitude?

Parent A – Yeah. I think that’s what that meant.

Dr. B – Well, are you going to punish her?

Parent A – No.

Dr. B – So, what are you going to do to “improve her attitude”?

Parent A – I’m open to suggestions.

Dr. B – I’d approach it like a good coach. Get her to analyze the play she ran and help her brainstorm something more effective.

Parent A – That sounds rather subversive.

Dr. B – Not at all. You are joining her in her world and supporting a process of empowerment. 

Parent A – So, I’m a coach with the mindset of, “Your cause is just, but your tactics need work”.

Dr. B – Well said. How do you think she would respond to that approach?

Parent A – She’d probably give me an eco-activist code name and teach me the secret handshake.

Dr. B – Ha.

Parent A – The empathy and understanding approach was helpful in calming down my little eco activist.

Dr. B – But?

Parent A – Then we were both feeling kind of hopeless about the future (of our planet).

Dr. B – Oh, oh.

Parent A – It’s really hard to give her advice, when the problem is so great and beyond our ability to control.

Dr. B – As in, your vote won’t make a difference, so why bother?

Parent A – Ouch. Ok. So how do we do this empowerment thing?

Dr. B – The two of you need to find some way to turn emotion into action.

Parent A – Like what?

Dr. B – You said she was pointing out all the things wrong in the family? What were they?

Parent A – Everything from eating meat to growing grass instead of a natural habitat.

Dr. B – You two could investigate the things that bother her as well as where she might want to apply herself.

Parent A – I think she would prefer the changes start with me.

Dr. B – Ha. Is she making you feel guilty about eating your hamburger?

Parent A – As a matter of fact, yes.

Dr. B – The theme is empowerment. But, as you know, the example you set is important.

Parent A – Well, I’m not going to tear up my lawn.

Dr. B – No, but if you and she are interested, would you give a garden plot for a bird or butterfly garden?

Parent A – Give a mouse a cookie …

Dr. B – If one of your kids gets into it, then maybe the garden will grow as their ability to maintain it grows?

Parent A – Sounds a little like, “Do as I say, not as I do.”

Dr. B – We all have changes to make.

Parent A – How do we decide where to start?

Dr. B – I think you want to help your child match her interests and talents with the chosen tasks. You want her to engage, feel empowered, but not overwhelmed and discouraged.

Parent A – Give me an example.

Dr. B – Let’s say the garden idea has some appeal. She might start with a garden or planting trees. If she is passionate about that, maybe she can look for other places to transform with plantings.

Parent A – She’s really into the “no meat” thing.

Dr. B – Well, then tell her that not eating meat means learning to prepare delicious plant-based meals with plenty of protein.

Parent A – First they came for the burgers. Then they came for the chocolate chip cookies.

Dr. B – Geez. So, what about your ten-year-old. You said he was worried when he heard your daughter at the dinner table.

Parent A – Next day, he was back to his old ‘happy-go-lucky” self.

Dr. B – You know. You don’t want to alarm him, but you do want to instill an environmental ethic, from an early age.

Parent A – Yeah. Absolutely. As a matter of fact, when he heard us talking about the butterfly garden, he was all over that. I found him the next day, digging up my lawn.

Dr. B – Ha. How did that go?

Parent A – I asked myself, “What would Doc recommend?”.

Dr. B – What would I have said?

Parent A – “Let the horse run.” I gave him a plot of ground. We went to the garden store to buy seeds and he’s off to a great start.

Dr. B – How does it look?

Parent A – He marked the perimeter with yellow contractor’s tape. It looks like a crime scene from a distance. But he is very proud.

Dr. B – Sounds like you hit a home run with him.

Parent A – But my daughter has latched on to the meat issue. And she’s insisting on it being a change for the whole family.

Dr. B – That’s a tough one.

Parent A – She calls it “cow” instead of “meat”. I told her that guilt induction wasn’t going to do it for me. She had to show me that vegetarian meals were a satisfying substitute.

Dr. B – Isn’t your office across the street from a rib joint?

Parent A – I don’t know whether that is good or bad, but it’s always good to know I’m not totally without backup.

Dr. B – Just don’t come home with barbeque sauce on your tie.

Parent A – My thirteen-year-old turned last night’s dinner into a grand inquisition.

Dr. B – As in, “Let’s burn them at the stake” Inquisition?

Parent A – More like, “The planet is burning and you are to blame” Inquisition.

Dr. B – Oh, oh. I told you not to send your kids to that school.

Parent A – This is serious. She’s very upset and she got our 10-year-old all worried and asking questions.

Dr. B – So, how can I help?

Parent A – She’s pointing to everything we do or have done that’s endangering our planet.

Dr. B – I thought you guys were pretty mindful of climate change.

Parent A – So was I. Apparently, we aren’t doing enough. Everything from my leather belt and sausage pizza to our gas stove and green lawn is doing great harm.

Dr. B – Ooh. She criticized your lawn? That had to hurt.

Parent A – How am I supposed to talk to her, especially when her anger at us seems so misplaced?

Dr. B – Kids trust their parents to protect them and keep them safe. But your daughter is old enough to understand the threats we face with climate change. Her idealization of you took a hit; as it should.

Parent A – As it should? Whose side are you on?

Dr. B – Your daughter’s anger about climate change is justified. You need to help her with it, but not be defensive.

Parent A – It’s hard not to get defensive when her anger at me really doesn’t seem fair.

Dr. B – It does seem unfair.  I know you are very concerned about climate change. It’s hard to have someone criticizing you.

Parent A – I see what you are doing. One of your Jedi mind tricks.

Dr. B – Huh?

Parent A – You were showing me that I need to be empathic and understanding with my daughter, so that we can get past all the emotion and talk.

Dr. B – Ha. If you say so. Genuine empathy and curiosity are always good ways to start a talk with your kids, especially when they are upset.

Parent A – What am I supposed to do with all this anger she’s spewing?

Dr. B – Well, given the rate of climate change, maybe her anger is justified.

Parent A – Well, right now, all her anger is doing is ruining the climate in our home.

Dr. B – Anger is a useful emotion. It tells us something is wrong and needs changing. And … it can provide the motivation for making necessary changes.

Parent A – So, I should be grateful that she didn’t get depressed and give up when she saw how bad things have gotten?

Dr. B – Exactly. Help her harness that anger and turn it into action.

Parent A – It is such an overwhelming problem. I don’t see how we can make any difference.

Dr. B – It is overwhelming and it will require monumental changes and sacrifices. But your primary concern should be honoring your daughter’s feelings and helping empower her.

Parent A – To the barricades. Liberty, fraternity …

Dr. B – You do realize, your daughter is just like you.

Parent A – Now you are blaming me too?

Sole responsibility for another person often pulls for the best in us. Parenthood is proof of that. Taking on responsibilities during childhood promotes the development of character. Altruism, compassion, and generosity are developed through roles of caring for others. Beginning at an early age, children should be given developmentally appropriate responsibilities for tasks, household needs, pets, and younger children. Knowing “it won’t get done without them” leads them to set aside their own personal interests in the service of helping. For many, they are able to be more responsible in the service of others than they are for themselves. Children can be motivated to develop necessary helping skills because they are being depended upon (or needed). Feeling needed and rising to the challenge promotes self-esteem in children.

We need to provide children with helping roles. Tutoring a younger child motivates the tutor to develop his own skills in that discipline. When they are old enough, sole responsibility for a pet is good preparation for parenthood. Although we are probably wired for altruism and compassion, many things in life can distract us from those capacities and diminish their roles. Ultimately, altruism and compassion must be given places of value in a child’s life and he or she must have roles that value these qualities and serve as sources of esteem. Empathy, altruism, compassion, and respect are essential qualities of effective parenting and people of character. Learning to take on responsible roles during childhood and adolescence promotes healthy character development and adults ready to be parents. Having a sense of purpose gives our lives meaning and motivates us. Children need opportunities to develop a sense of purpose in their families and in their communities.

Parent – Did you want me to talk to the principal about the detentions he gave you?

Child – No.

Parent – I thought you were upset about how unfair he had been with you?

Child – I was.

Parent – So what’s changed?

Child – I walked into detention and saw that Mr. Luce was in charge.

Parent – How did that feel?

Child – I guess I was a little embarrassed. He’s my science teacher.

Parent – I know. So what happened?

Child – He waved me up to the front up to his desk and asked me, “What crime did you commit this time?”

Parent – Did he ask you about the “Group W” bench?

Child – Huh?

Parent – Never mind. What happened?

Child – He was really cool. He wanted to hear the whole story about what happened.

Parent – Good.

Child – And he said he was sorry I got punished.

Parent – Good.

Child – And then he asked if I would help him get his printer working.

Parent – Ha! I like this guy.

Child – He said, “I need you to get in trouble more often.”

Parent – Only at school. We run a much harsher jail here at home.

Child – Dad. You’re about as tough as Mr. Luce.

Parent – I’ll take that as a compliment.

Child – So Dad. Why is James such a bully?

Parent – What do you think?

Child – It must make him feel good for some reason. Isn’t that why people do stuff?

Parent – Yeah. Or to feel less bad.

Child – Huh? What do you mean?

Parent – Well, do you remember when the Cubs were terrible?

Child – Like, your whole life?

Parent – Not now.

Child – Dad, don’t get defensive. You brought it up. They were terrible.

Parent – Even though they weren’t very good, I could feel better about them whenever they beat the Cardinals.

Child – I thought we were talking about James.

Parent – Well, if I feel better when the Cubs down the Cards for a day, maybe James feels better when he puts someone else down.

Child – Ha. I never thought of it that way. So on that day the Cubs don’t suck so bad?

Parent – No, I just don’t feel so bad about the fact that they suck.

Child – So, James doesn’t want to feel bad about himself? I doubt he’d admit that.

Parent – Yeah. I’m sure you’re right.

Child – Are you saying James has low self-esteem?

Parent – I’m guessing his self-esteem has to do with how he compares himself with others.

Child – So that’s why he’s always putting other people down?

Parent – Maybe. It’s kind of an, “I’m up because you are down” system.

Child – Well, I just ignore him.

Parent – I’ll bet he doesn’t like that.

Child – Nope.

Child – Why does a kid like James do that?

Parent – Do what?

Child – Put other kids down. You know – bully kids.

Parent – Why do you think he does it?

Child – I don’t know. That’s why I asked you.

Parent – Well, let’s figure it out together, because you know him and I don’t.

Child – What do you want to know about him?

Parent – Well, what’s he like? Does he have friends? What’s he good at? What’s it like to be around him?

Child – Wow! Dad! One question at a time.

Parent – Ok. You choose.

Child – Does he have friends? I don’t know. Probably more like followers than friends. Don’t think he got invited to many birthday parties.

Parent – That’s an interesting observation. Tell me more.

Child – Well, he’s not exactly a genius in school.

Parent – You mean he’s not a very good student?

Child – That’s what I said. He’s no genius.

Parent – And what’s he like?

Child – I don’t know. I just avoid him. There’s nothing to like about him.

Parent – Would you say he’s popular?

Child – Guess it depends on whom you ask. I think some kids suck up to him just so he won’t pick on them.

Parent – That’s interesting. What is he good at?

Child – Well, he’s bigger than most kids, so he gets picked first when we’re choosing teams on the playground.

Parent – So you pick him?

Child – Heck no! I’d rather lose.

Parent – I know you don’t like to lose, so you must really not like him.

Child – You’re a genius Dad. 

Parent – So, got any idea why James bullies others?

Child – In school, he’s down and others are up. But on the playground, he puts others down so he is up.

Parent – Ah, interesting. The “I’m up because you’re down theory”.

Child – What do you think?

Parent – I think you are on to something.

Parent – Mom said you got into a fight at school.

Child – Word travels fast.

Parent – The principal texted her in the middle of a meeting.

Child – Is she mad?

Parent – You can ask her when she gets home.

Child – Yeah. She’s mad.

Parent – So tell me what happened.

Child – This kid, James, thinks he’s all that.

Parent – That what?

Child – Let me finish, Dad.

Parent – Please.

Child – Well, everyday he’s always running his mouth, putting people down.

Parent – What do other kids think of him?

Child – Most try to stay away from him. Some just laugh at what he’s doing.

Parent – Laugh at him or with him?

Child – With him. And that makes me mad too.

Parent – So, let me guess. You got in a fight with this kid, James?

Child – Let me finish, Dad.

Parent – Sorry. I’m eager to hear.

Child – Well, he’s always picking on Kenny. He’s kind of an odd kid.

Parent – Kenny a friend of yours?

Child – No. Anyway, James started making fun of how Kenny looked. And then he got some laughs and he kept at it.

Parent – And?

Child – Then he started pushing Kenny. Telling him to get out of his way.

Parent – I think I know what happened next.

Child – Really, Dad? Were you there?

Parent – Go on.

Child – Well, I just got really fed up, so I stepped in between them and pushed back on James.

Parent – And?

Child – And what? He slugged me … and then a teacher dragged us up to the principal’s office.

Parent – And then what?

Child – I got two detentions – same as he gave James.

Parent – I’m sorry to hear that.

Child – The principal treated me like I started a fight.

Parent – That doesn’t sound fair.

Child – He didn’t even want to hear what happened.

Parent – I’m proud of you for standing up for Kenny.

Child – Thanks Dad. Is Mom going to be mad?

Parent – Doubt it. She’s got a soft spot for knights who ride to the rescue. 

Parent – I don’t understand all the teasing and put-downs.

Dr. B – Who was doing the putting down?

Parent – Sounds like it was my son. He was teasing a kid for being clumsy.

Dr. B – Hmmm.

Parent – He tried to make it sound like it was just playful teasing.

Dr. B – Guess it depends on whether you are the teaser or the teased?

Parent – Yeah. I didn’t like the sound of it.

Dr. B – What did you say?

Parent – Well, I bit my tongue before launching into my, “No son of mine is going to bully” speech.

Dr. B – Whew. That was a close one.

Parent – I basically asked him why he ‘teased’ the other kid.

Dr. B – It’s good you didn’t lead with the lecture, but don’t underestimate the power of your disappointment, even if it goes unsaid.

Parent – What do you mean?

Dr. B – Witnessing your concern and empathy for the other kid? Those are powerful tools for teaching moral integrity.

Parent –Yeah. My concern was hard to hide.

Dr. B – Moral integrity starts with caring about others.

Parent –Sounds like a sophisticated guilt trip.

Dr. B – A little guilt is good, if it helps us behave morally.

Parent –Ok.

Dr. B – So, what did you find out when you did your kind and gentle interrogation?

Parent –Jealousy, I think. Sounds like the kid is anything but clumsy when it comes to math and science. 

Dr. B – So what did you conclude?

Parent –I guess, “If you can’t beat ‘em, drag ‘em down to your level’.

Dr. B – Works in politics.

Parent –Let’s not go there.

Dr. B – So, did your son gain some insight?

Parent –We’re working on it. This is really about self-esteem, isn’t it?

Dr. B – Sure sounds like it.