Parent A – Frankly, I got nowhere with my coasting talk (with my son).
Dr. B – What happened?
Parent A – I tried to do what you said and just be curious. But as far as not having an agenda? I think it leaked out.
Dr. B – What do you mean?
Parent A – Our talk quickly became an argument about me just wanting to hassle him about his grades.
Dr. B – Kids know when you have an agenda.
Parent A – I was trying my best not to, but the more we got into it the more I realized he was right. My goal for talking was to get him more motivated with school.
Dr. B – I know you know this, but what is the magic formula for motivation?
Parent A – Is this some of my own medicine?
Dr. B – What do you mean?
Parent A – A dose of humiliation?
Dr. B – I’m sorry. That was not my intent. Seriously, let’s start with the formula. It will serve a useful purpose. I promise.
Parent A – Motivation = (I want) x (I can)
Dr. B – Ideally, you would like that formula to be working for your son in school, right?
Parent A – Of course.
Dr. B – What parts of this formula are working and not working?
Parent A – He obviously doesn’t WANT it. At least he says he doesn’t care about school. As far as the CAN part. I’m not sure.
Dr. B – What’s your best guess?
Parent A – Well, I know he CAN but I’m not sure he believes that.
Dr. B – What do you mean?
Parent A – Well, it’s like we talked about earlier. I don’t know about girls, but boys that age don’t like to look bad in comparison with other boys, whether it is trying and failing or succeeding and making others look bad.
Dr. B – Yeah. Comparisons can be humiliating. What do you think is going on with your son?
Parent A – When he was a little kid, he loved school and was eager to learn.
Dr. B – So you are not certain you believe him when he says he doesn’t really WANT school?
Parent A – Oh, I believe he’s convinced himself of that. But it’s a sad change from the way he used to be.
Dr. B – And how about the CAN part of the equation?
Parent A – He’s a smart kid. I know he can do anything.
Dr. B – But does he believe that?
Parent A – I’m not sure.
Dr. B – Coasting is very functional for many boys that age. If they empty themselves of the wanting – the ambition – then they are free from trying and coming up short or feeling bad about not trying. It really is an elegant defense.
Parent A – You are admiring a problem behavior?
Dr. B – All behaviors have a functional purpose, regardless of how they look to others.
Parent A – I’ll take your word for that. So, I’m back to square one with my son.
Dr. B – There is no such thing as a “one and done” in parenting. When you make a mistake you can always take comfort in the fact that you’ll get another chance.
Parent A – There’ll be another game with more at-bats?
Dr. B – It’s a long season. He’s not even thirteen yet.
Parent A – So what do you suggest?
Dr. B – Let’s get back to your agenda. Is it to get your son’s grades up or encourage him to give his best effort?
Parent A – He doesn’t have to get straight A’s, but I would like him to give his best effort.
Dr. B – In school?
Parent A – Isn’t that what we are talking about?
Dr. B – Well, from where I stand, when it comes to school, the motivation equation looks more like
(Dad wants) x (Dad assumes I can).
Parent A – Kind of like zero squared.
Dr. B – Is there such a thing?
Parent A – So I have a big Impossible Burger here.
Dr. B – For now, grades mean more to you than your son. What’s important to him? What is he passionate about?
Parent A – Video games and more recently golf.
Dr. B – Golf? That’s fantastic. Do you like golf?
Parent A – A good round is finding more balls than I lost.
Dr. B – Remember the mantra, “Join them in their world”?
Parent A – How could I forget. I’m surprised it isn’t on the side of your car.
Dr. B – What’s it going to be? Video games or golf?
Parent A – Why?
Dr. B – Grades are important, but they can wait.
Parent A – Says who?
Dr. B – Hear me out. You want your son to give his full effort. But school isn’t where that is going to happen. At least right now. But he does want …
Parent A – Video games and golf. So, I’m taking up golf?
Dr. B – It doesn’t matter where it happens, just so it happens.
Parent A – You mean golf instead of school?
Dr. B – You want your son to find something he is passionate about and goes after with his best effort.
Parent A – And just let school take care of itself?
Dr. B – Golf can be a good first step.
