Parent A – I’m trying not to think of my kid as lazy. But his behavior … it’s lazy behavior.
Dr. B – What are you asking?
Parent A – I get the “It’s the behavior, not (character of) the kid” thing. But … what am I supposed to do with that? I’m still just as fed up with him.
Dr. B – So, is his “lazy behavior” showing up everywhere?
Parent A – Everywhere with a “should” attached.
Dr. B – So, he’s lazy when it comes to doing everything, he “should” do?
Parent A – Yeah. And don’t start riffing on when I started my taxes.
Dr. B – Well good. You’ve narrowed the scope.
Parent A – I’d hardly call that narrow. Isn’t that what makes someone lazy? They don’t do what they are supposed to do?
Dr. B – So, we are agreed that he is not lazy when it comes to what he wants.
Parent A – Now you are going to remind me that the Motivation equation has (I want) instead of (he wants).
Dr. B – I’m glad you’ve embraced that concept.
Parent A – Embraced? How about “swallowed”.
Dr. B – Whatever. When you move away from viewing him as lazy and start examining his behavior, that is a step in the right direction.
Parent A – And what direction is that?
Dr. B – All behavior has a purpose; regardless how screwy it seems.
Parent A – Screwy? Is that a term you learned in grad school?
Dr. B – Avoidance is a behavior.
Parent A – No it’s not.
Dr. B – I avoided responding to your ‘grad school’ comment. That was a choice of how to act.
Parent A – Ok. So, we’ll think of avoidance as a behavior. So what?
Dr. B – If you start with the assumption that all behavior has a purpose, then you can set about trying to figure out what that purpose is.
Parent A – As in I hate doing my taxes and my son hates doing his homework?
Dr. B – In your case, we’d want to know why you waited until April 14th to start, instead of March 14th. And why you chose to do the same amount of work on October 14th.
Parent A – Are we going to analyze when I unload the dishwasher and when I take out the trash?
Dr. B – Only if it is causing problems in your marriage.
Parent A – Whether I do my taxes in April or October doesn’t hurt anything. But if my son puts off doing his school work until the last minute, he is not giving his best effort. He is not learning as much. He is not working up to his potential. And he is …
Dr. B – On the road to ruin?
Parent A – Now that was not very professional. Do we need to examine that?
Dr. B – You are right. That was not appropriate. I should have said, “It sounds like you are worried about the long-term consequences of this behavior style”.
Parent A – Let’s go with “Road to Ruin” because that captures how I feel sometimes.
Dr. B – You want to move him from (You want) to (He wants), but you can’t.
Parent A – Sometimes I CAN’T get what I WANT from you.
Dr. B – Touché. What I was trying to say is, you will need to help your son discover what purpose the avoidance serves if he is going to …
Parent A – Avoid all is avoidance?
Dr. B – Ha. Yeah.
Parent A – I’m sure that is a discussion he will avoid.
Dr. B – You’ve got your work cut out for you. But shifting your focus to analyzing behavior and away from worrying about your son’s flawed character is a step in the right direction.
Parent A – I’ll try to make that seem like a compliment.
