Parent: I’ve noticed that you use limits to help kids learn to take more responsibility.
Dr. B: Yeah, the more responsible they are for their own behavior the fewer limits they need.
Parent: My son calls your strategy, “working towards early release”.
Dr. B: Ha. As in parole? Tell your son I’m going to start using that line.
Parent: My son was quick to recognize that self-control was the quickest way to end parent control.
Dr. B: Good for him.
Parent: But I don’t see how that system works for promoting healthier choices.
Dr. B: What do you mean?
Parent: Here’s an example. I know my son loves to read and he loves to build stuff, but by the end of the day or week, when he looks back, he hasn’t done either.
Dr. B: What is he doing instead?
Parent: Probably on his phone or watching YouTube or …
Dr. B: Does he regret those choices?
Parent: Well, yes and no. I think he wishes he spent more time reading or building, but he enjoys what he is doing as he is doing it.
Dr. B: Does he want things to be different?
Parent: Good question. I certainly do. From personal experience with my own iPhone addiction.
Dr. B: And he?
Parent: I think he does, but he’s old enough that I don’t want to control him or try to coerce some change.
Dr. B: Probably old enough he wouldn’t let you either.
Parent: Yeah, that too. I’d like him to learn to self-regulate.
Dr. B: Well, what have you figured out about your, what did you call it?
Parent: My iPhone addiction.
Dr. B: So have you made some headway with limiting screen time?
Parent: Well, I’m not playing games on my phone or on social media. I’m just reading one story after another.
Dr. B: Are they interesting and informative?
Parent: Yeah, but I don’t need to read about tariffs on solar panels and …
Dr. B: I know you care a lot about climate change.
Parent: I do, but there is no limit to the number of interesting and important things to read.
Dr. B: And there are just so many hours in a day.
Parent: Yeah.
Dr. B: It’s kind of like money. There are unlimited numbers of useful things to buy, but you only have so much money.
Parent: Exactly. That’s why I automatically take care of the important purchases first. Like paying the monthly bills: mortgage, utilities, …
Dr. B: Sounds like you have a good handle on your spending habits.
Parent: Yeah. Thank goodness I’m not using my iPhone to shop.
Dr. B: Are there any insights from money management that are useful in time management?
Parent: I know you guys always want your clients to figure things out for themselves. At least think that we have.
Dr. B: Who me?
Parent: How about we skip that and you just tell me something that will be helpful for me and my son.
Dr. B: So no brainstorming with your son? No asking for whether he thinks it is something he wants to work on? Any of that typical “shrink-type” stuff?
Parent: No. Just give me one good strategy.
Dr. B: Ok. Here’s an idea. Take a sheet of paper and draw two circles.
Parent: Circles?
Dr. B: Pie charts. Divide the first circle or pie according to how you ideally would like to spend your free time. Your non work hours.
Parent: And in the second pie, divide it according to how I actually spent my time?
Dr. B: Yep. You got it.
Parent: Then what?
Dr. B: Just sit with it.
Parent: Just sit with it? What kind of intervention is that?
Dr. B: Just try it.
Parent: Is there some grand psychological process this elicits?
Dr. B: Actually, yes. It is forcing you to examine what you are doing automatically, without thinking about it and making it conscious.
Parent: And right there in stark contrast: What I say I want and what I actually do.
Dr. B: I think it is working already.
Parent: So how does this help my son?
Dr. B: It’s always helpful to co-opt the “Do as I say, not as I do” bind before your son …
Parent: Calls me on it.
Dr. B: Actually, I’ll bet if your son has a similar wish for his time management to change, he will take notice of what you are doing.
Parent: So leave my pie charts on the refrigerator?
Dr. B: Ha. I’d put it somewhere that serves your efforts at change.
Parent: Remind me next time to be careful what I ask for.
