Parent: Let’s give this self-regulation goal another shot.
Dr. B: Ok. How can I help?
Parent: First let’s define what I mean by self-regulation.
Dr. B: I think that’s wise, because it can mean regulating one’s emotions, eating, gaming, or spending.
Parent: Exactly. So let’s focus on how a child uses their time.
Dr. B: As in doing first things first?
Parent: Yeah. As in budgeting their time wisely so they devote adequate time to taking care of priorities and responsibilities.
Dr. B: Are we talking about what you think they should do or what THEY think is important.
Parent: Good distinction. Let’s assume they know what is important, but just aren’t giving it adequate time.
Dr. B: So, if this were money, they get to the end of the month and there isn’t enough money left to pay the rent.
Parent: Yeah. Not paying rent, flunking out of college, not eating right, drinking too much, …
Dr. B: In other words, you want to save him from making the mistakes you made as a young adult?
Parent: Yeah. I wish I was more self-disciplined before I left for college.
Dr. B: I thought your kids were eight and ten?
Parent: It’s never too early, right?
Dr. B: Promoting self-discipline or self-regulation is a process that can and should start early.
Parent: So let’s get started. How do I do it?
Dr. B: Do you consider yourself a self-disciplined person?
Parent: I am now, but …
Dr. B: How did you get there, despite that history you alluded to?
Parent: Well, I learned from all those mistakes. But that was a painful way to grow. I don’t wish that on them.
Dr. B: So what was the basic lesson you learned from those mistakes?
Parent: If I’m too focused on fun in the present, I miss out on greater opportunities in the future.
Dr. B: I like that.
Parent: That I screwed up like that?
Dr. B: No. That you can boil the basic need down to such a simple formula.
Parent: What formula?
Dr. B: Don’t overdo it in the present and lose out on the future.
Parent: Ha. I guess that is kind of like a formula. So, give me an example.
Dr. B: I know you already use that formula at bedtime.
Parent: Oh, yeah. The sooner they get ready for bed, the more time they have for stories.
Dr. B: That’s a nice little example of promoting self-discipline. As I recall, that got you out of the business of nighttime nagging.
Parent: Yes, it did. So, give me some other examples.
Dr. B: Let’s stick with your magic formula. Pick a problem area and let’s see how to apply the formula.
Parent: Not doing chores.
Dr. B: Well, the first thing I’d do is quit calling them chores. How about family needs or household tasks.
Parent: Whatever. A name change doesn’t make them any easier.
Dr. B: There’s a world of difference between working on shared responsibilities and doing what some authority figure made you do.
Parent: Ok. I get it. I’ll work on branding. So how do I apply the formula?
Dr. B: How did the bedtime plan work?
Parent: There’s a limited amount of time to complete bedtime tasks and read stories together. The sooner the tasks are done, the more time is left for stories.
Dr. B: So how would you apply that to household tasks?
Parent: Bribe them with more stories?
Dr. B: Ahhhh (sound of wrong answer)
Parent: Link the tasks with some desired goal; all within a set time frame?
Dr. B: Now we’re cooking.
Parent: Now we’re cooking? What decade did that come from?
Dr. B: Focus.
Parent: Here’s an idea. I’ll set aside Saturday mornings for family responsibilities. When we complete them, we’ll go out for breakfast to the restaurant of their choosing for the remainder of the morning.
Dr. B: Wow. That’s a great idea. Can I get in on that?
Parent: So let me get this straight. The formula involves linking necessary tasks with desired activities, all within a limited time frame?
Dr. B: Sounds good to me. Does that work for you?
Parent: So, when the kitchen is clean after dinner, we have time left for …
Dr. B: Something of THEIR choosing.
Parent: Ah, yes. That’s important. When homework is done, then there’s time for screens?
Dr. B: In theory, but that will probably require some tinkering.
Parent: As in trust but verify?
Dr. B: Exactly.
