Parent A – You never did explain what limits to set (on video gaming) at what age?
Dr. B – Every kid is different; every family is different; every video game is different.
Parent A – I think you are avoiding my question.
Dr. B – OK. Let’s start with age as a guideline. You have two kids. Were they equally as responsible about brushing teeth, picking up toys, and patiently waiting their turn at age four?
Parent A – Nope. Completely different.
Dr. B – So, privileges need to be earned based on responsibility demonstrated, not age.
Parent A – Developmental age, not chronological age. OK. But so far, you haven’t helped me much with video gaming guidelines.
Dr. B – Let’s take an extreme example and work backwards.
Parent A – Backwards. Why didn’t I think of that?
Dr. B – Some families are totally opposed to gun ownership. They refuse to have them in their homes and prohibit their children from ever using them. Other families believe that guns have a role, either as a source of recreation or protection.
Parent A – Guns? Are you serious?
Dr. B – If you wanted your child to grow up to be a safe and responsible gun owner, how would you do that?
Parent A – Wait until they were old enough to know the harm that guns can cause. Teach them about gun safety. Closely supervise their use of the gun and limit where it can be used. Only transfer control as they prove their responsibly. And I would hold the keys for the gun and ammunition lockers.
Dr. B – So, are there any parallels there for raising a responsible video game owner?
Parent A – Yeah. Ban them both.
Dr. B – Geez. You laid out a pretty clear model for how to promote responsibility and how to earn trust.
Parent A – Using your gun analogy, I would allow the use a pellet gun, but not an AK 47; and Mind Craft but not Grand Theft Auto.
Dr. B – Ideally. He would have to earn your trust, but …
Parent A – (overlapping) trust but verify.
Dr. B – What do you think of the process?
Parent A – I think it’s a slippery slope.
Dr. B – Do you think abstinence would work? I knew families that grew up without a television in their homes.
Parent A – And were probably better for it. But I can’t imagine a household without computers and internet access and therefore access to gaming.
Dr. B – You start kids on tricycles, then training wheels, and eventually two wheelers. You don’t need to provide your child the latest version of iPhone or iPad. Nor do they need all the latest apps.
Parent A – You mean, start my kid with an old flip phone?
Dr. B – Pick a device that fits their needs.
Parent A – Start with a simple device and simple programs?
Dr. B – Yeah. They need to demonstrate responsible use of those before you move to the next level of device or program.
Parent A – Is that it? Gradual loosening of restrictions as they prove their responsible readiness?
Dr. B – In essence. You should know what they are doing with the phone or iPad and they should be willing to talk to you about what they are doing.
Parent A – And time limits?
Dr. B – I think you need to set limits, which can adjust with developmental age …
Parent A – (overlapping) as they show the ability to self-regulate.
Dr. B – Which includes taking care of their other responsibilities first.
Parent A – Just like the bedtime ritual.
Dr. B – Yep. But limits shouldn’t be your only means of teaching them how to manage their screen time. We talked about the need to promote other interests.
Parent A – Yeah. And the need to find alternative ways to soothe and entertain themselves.
Dr. B – But?
Parent A – I spend multiple hours a day on my phone, reading, doing crosswords, looking up recipes, watching videos.
Dr. B – The example you set is critically important.
Parent A – I don’t want to be a “do as I say, not as I do” parent.
Dr. B – Do you regret your choices of how you use your phone or iPad?
Parent A – Not the content, just the volume.
Dr. B – Then you can help your kids learn to make good choices of what to do and not do with their time and connections.
Parent A – Ok.
Dr. B – You are watching mysteries instead of porn. You are reading about finances but not gambling online. You start your searches on Wikipedia instead of Facebook.
Parent A – How do I get my kids to follow suit.
Dr. B – Well your kids probably won’t watch English Mysteries on Brit Box, but you can talk with them about what choices they are making and where they are seeking entertainment and information.
Parent A – Take an authoritative rather than authoritarian stance with them.
Dr. B – You need to have rules and limits, but be open to their questions about why they exist and whether they can be tweaked.
Parent A – You make is sound easy.
Dr. B – I hope not.
