Parent: Did your kids follow your rules?
Dr. B: What do you mean?
Parent: I’m the parent and I set the rules.
Dr. B: But?
Parent: One kid is always arguing with me about my rules and the other one just sneaks around hoping I don’t see what he’s doing.
Dr. B: Sounds like you have your hands full.
Parent: Less empathy. More help.
Dr. B: What kind of help would you like?
Parent: I want my kids to follow the rules and not talk back to me or sneak behind my back.
Dr. B: Where would you like to start?
Parent: Let’s start with my Little Lawyer Wannabe.
Dr. B: Would you call these fights or arguments?
Parent: If I feel like strangling the kid, what would you call it?
Dr. B: Sad and frustrating.
Parent: What do I do?
Dr. B: What do you argue about?
Parent: She thinks my rules are unfair and she won’t take ‘no’ for an answer.
Dr. B: Give me an example of a rule she doesn’t like.
Parent: She doesn’t like any of them.
Dr. B: Pick one.
Parent: Ok. Bedtime. We’ve battled over bedtime ever since she learned the word “no”.
Dr. B: Does she know why you have rules about bedtime?
Parent: What do you mean? She’s twelve years old and her bedtime is 8:30. By the time she’s done arguing with us, it’s closer to 9:00 every night.
Dr. B: That’s not a warm and fuzzy end to the day.
Parent: For either of us.
Dr. B: Kids need to know why rules exist. They are usually for protection, safety, good health.
Parent: And?
Dr. B: They also need to know that rules can change if they take more responsibility for the safety or health concerns involved.
Parent: How does this fit with bedtime?
Dr. B: Your daughter needs to know how important sleep is for her body to grow and her brain to handle everything going on.
Parent: Yeah. That’s why she has an 8:30 bedtime.
Dr. B: She also needs to know what it takes for that time to change.
Parent: Why would it change?
Dr. B: Well, kids who get themselves ready for bed without nagging or fighting. Kids who get themselves up in the morning and are ready for school without parent prompts and assistance. Kids showing that kind of self-discipline are probably ready for more say in the bedtime process.
Parent: I’m not sure I like this idea.
Dr. B: How’s the other way working for you?
Parent: Isn’t that just rewarding her being argumentative?
Dr. B: No, you are rewarding self-discipline. The more she controls herself, the less you need to control her.
Parent: Hmmm. I never thought of it that way.
