Dr. B: Does your child ever have one of those meltdowns where the anger escalates while the listening evaporates?
Parent: You been spying on us?
Dr. B: It happens in all families.
Parent: Good. Got any suggestions?
Dr. B: Yeah. Create a post-fight process your child can trust.
Parent: You mean after they have slammed every door and called me every name they learned at school?
Dr. B: Well, maybe after they have calmed down a tad. They need to know fights don’t need to end with “Because I said so” and “I hate you”.
Parent: I’m listening.
Dr. B: Your child needs to trust that they can sit down and write you a letter explaining why you are so wrong, so unfair, so uncaring, so unfeeling, and the absolute worst parent on the block …
Parent: Hold on …
Dr. B: … and trust that you will read that letter carefully.
Parent: Go on.
Dr. B: Fights need follow up. People shouldn’t be left feeling wronged, misunderstood, or silenced.
Parent: Good point.
Dr. B: Read the letter carefully. Read it more than once. Try to understand your child’s explanation of how they were feeling and why they did what they did.
Parent: Then what?
Dr. B: When you go talk to your child, start by letting them know that you understand their feelings and reasoning. You don’t have to agree with them, but showing understanding and empathy usually calms them down and allows for the start of a valuable two-way discussion.
