Parent: I like your idea of keeping the conflict in the kid.
Dr. B:That’s good to hear.
Parent: That approach has worked for Bedtime and Clothing Allowance …
Dr. B: But … it isn’t working everywhere.
Parent: Exactly. If my son was a renter, I would have evicted him by now.
Dr. B: What’s going on?
Parent: He’s seventeen and he’ll be on his own in a year. I pity the guy who has him for a roommate.
Dr. B: Let me guess.
Parent: No. I need to tell it. His room smells like a gym locker. I’m sure there’s mildew growing at the bottom of his unwashed, sweaty laundry. His sheets haven’t been washed in months and I’m surprised he can even find a path to his bed at night.
Dr. B: Can’t wait for him to leave?
Parent: He’s seventeen. We respect his privacy. He’s not a little kid anymore. He says he’ll clean up his room, but I’ve been hearing that for weeks, with no results. (pause) I’m at a loss about what to do. There’s obviously no conflict in the kid when it comes to his room.
Dr. B: Sounds like he is seventeen on paper, but only seven years old developmentally.
Parent: What do you mean?
Dr. B: You think of him as a soon to be independent adult, but he is not showing the self-regulating behavior we would expect of someone that age.
Parent: What do you suggest?
Dr. B: Privileges, or freedom from controls and supervision come as a result of showing that responsibilities can be handled without a parent’s monitoring or help.
Parent: So I’m supposed to treat him like a seven-year-old?
Dr. B: Give him the chance to show he doesn’t need to be treated like one.
Parent: So threaten him?
Dr. B: How about you make him an offer he can’t refuse.
Parent: As in, “Clean your room or Luca Brasi will off you?”
Dr. B: As in a clear contract of when his room will be clean.
Parent: What good is that?
Dr. B: Have him write down when the room will be clean – including exactly what will be done. And if it is not done by that date, then the contract reads, “I am asking for you to come into my room to help me complete the work”.
Parent: As I would if he were still seven.
Dr. B: Exactly.
Parent: And if he refuses?
Dr. B: Call Luca.
Parent: Seriously?
Dr. B: Pay to have his room cleaned and take it out of his future allowance.
Parent: I bet that will go well.
Dr. B: Ha. Well … make sure you tell him the date and time the cleaners are coming.
Parent: And play the theme from the Godfather?
Dr. B: Or maybe The Imperial March. He’s probably more familiar with Darth Vader than Luca Brasi.
Parent: So you are putting the conflict back in the kid with the contract?
Dr. B: Yeah. It sounds like the conflict has been in you rather than your son for all these weeks. This is a concrete way to put it back in him. He will have the choice of doing the work himself or asking for help.
Parent: And I am supposed to just “chill” until the contract date rolls around?
Dr. B: You think you can do that? No nagging. No shaming. Just let him decide which option he wants.
Parent: I’ll let you know if it doesn’t work.
Dr. B: And if it doesn’t, you’ll be sure to dump the conflict in me.
