Parent: How do I know if I’m being a good enough parent?
Dr. B: Why do you ask?
Parent: When I was a kid, we’d hop on our bikes and be gone for the day.
Dr. B: Yeah?
Parent: We’d get lunch from the nearest mom, but otherwise, we just entertained ourselves.
Dr. B: Times have changed, haven’t they?
Parent: My free-range childhood didn’t seem to harm me.
Dr. B: Free range. I like that. Organic vs Processed Childhoods.
Parent: This is serious. It’s not clear to me what I should be doing and how much I should be doing?
Dr. B: How much of what?
Parent: You know. Supervising, planning, teaching, guiding, protecting … all the “i-n-g” tasks of parenting.
Dr. B: You must go to bed exhausted.
Parent: And then I lie awake worrying about all that I didn’t do.
Dr. B: That’s a good place to start. Give me something you “should” have done, but didn’t.
Parent: Ok. Here’s one I lose a lot of sleep over.
Dr. B: Good. I like the juicy ones.
Parent: Our house backs on to a park. My son loves to climb anything he can find, especially all the trees nearby. (pause) So last month he left early to meet up with his T-ball team on the far side of the park.
Dr. B: (overlapping dialogue) Oh, oh.
Parent: Yeah. You know what’s coming. He got there early and started climbing the backstop.
Dr. B: (overlapping dialogue) And he fell.
Parent: How did you guess? His coach saw him and started running toward him. My son thought he was in trouble and scrambled to get down …
Dr. B: Ouch!
Parent: Yeah. He broke his elbow and it’s still in a cast.
Dr. B: So what are you losing sleep over … as if I couldn’t guess.
Parent: I feel irresponsible for letting him go unsupervised. I should have been there to prevent him from climbing or at least spot him if he did.
Dr. B: Do you blame yourself for letting him climb all those trees before that fall?
Parent: In hindsight, I probably should have been more vigilant.
Dr. B: What does that mean?
Parent: I should have been monitoring him better or had stricter rules about where he was and what he was doing.
Dr. B: More processed and less organic?
Parent: Well the organic led to a broken elbow. What if it had been a head injury?
Dr. B: What does your wife think?
Parent: She’s upset with herself, too, because the park was in plain view.
Dr. B: So, two parents who think they weren’t good enough?
Parent: Yeah. Worry and guilt are two things we are both really good at.
Dr. B: So what are you going to do with all this worry and guilt?
Parent: What do you mean?
Dr. B: Those emotions mean something isn’t right and needs a solution.
Parent: Like what?
Dr. B: What’s going to happen with climbing after his cast comes off?
Parent: My wife would like it to end and my son isn’t sure he wants to climb anything ever again.
Dr. B: And you?
Parent: That will keep him safe, but “climber” was his middle name before the fall.
Dr. B: So what’s your plan?
Parent: Well, I was thinking I might take him to the climbing gym. We could learn to climb the walls safely with the belaying gear.
Dr. B: That’s an interesting idea. But you sound hesitant.
Parent: Well right now, I’m the only one that thinks it’s a good idea. (pause) I worry that I’m being too controlling or assuming I know what he needs.
Dr. B: Well, you aren’t exactly telling him to leave his friends and come home to study his SAT vocabulary words.
Parent: That’s a thing isn’t it?
Dr. B: You’d be surprised what I’ve seen.
Parent: But you see what I’m up against. The whole world is going processed child and I worry that they know something I don’t.
Dr. B: Or?
Parent: Or my kid will lose out because I didn’t give him enough opportunities.
Dr. B: And he won’t get into the best college?
Parent: Sometimes it feels like I need to prepare my kids for a competitive world.
Dr. B: Kind of like the Hunger Games, but with grades and SAT’s?
Parent: You make it sound absurd, but that pressure is everywhere, whether it’s elite schools, or club sports, or piano recitals.
Dr. B: So, you worry your climbing gym idea is just more processed parenting?
Parent: As in assuming I know what is best for my son? Yes.
Dr. B: Well, sometimes you do know what is best.
Parent: But he says he doesn’t want to climb anymore.
Dr. B: Yes, but you told me yourself, that his middle name was “climber”.
Parent: What do you suggest I do?
Dr. B: Take him to the gym and just let him observe. If that doesn’t stir some interest, then ask him to belay you while you climb.
Parent: And then take a dive so he knows how safe it is to fall?
Dr. B: I hadn’t thought of that. What a great idea.
Parent: So this idea is not too controlling on my part?
Dr. B: Parents who are overcontrolling are trying to manage their own fears.
Parent: Fears their kids won’t be good enough? That they are not being good enough parents?
Dr. B: Or maybe fears that their kids will suffer or lose out without their protection or direction.
Parent: And my wife?
Dr. B: Find her a YouTube video on belaying and ask her what she thinks.
Parent: This took more than a minute.
Dr. B: I wanted to make sure it was good enough.
