Parent: My kids are always fighting.
Dr. B: Arguing or fighting?
Parent: What’s the difference?
Dr. B: Well, let’s see. When it ends with somebody crying, it was probably fighting.
Parent: And?
Dr. B: And if you hear, “is so, is not”, that’s probably arguing.
Parent: Hmmm.
Dr. B: What do you hear the most?
Parent: Loud voices.
Dr. B: But which kind?
Parent: Guess it’s more the “is so, is not” kind.
Dr. B: Well, that’s good.
Parent: Huh?
Dr. B: We want our kids to grow up to be good arguers.
Parent: We do?
Dr. B: Sure. You don’t want somebody convincing your kid to do something stupid.
Parent: Or against their will.
Dr. B: Exactly.
Parent: But the noise. It sure sounds like fighting to me.
Dr. B: Well, you could probably coach them on how to be better arguers.
Parent: Are you serious? I don’t think they need any help knowing how to argue.
Dr. B: Why do you suppose it gets so loud?
Parent: For me it’s usually when I think someone isn’t listening.
Dr. B: So, it gets louder when someone doesn’t feel listened to or understood?
Parent: That makes sense, but what am I supposed to do with that?
Dr. B: Help them recognize that people raise their voices when they don’t feel listened to or understood.
Parent: How about something practical that I can use.
Dr. B: Help them develop a signal that means, “We need to stop and make sure we understand each other.”
Parent: Wow. Isn’t that a lot to expect?
Dr. B: Yeah. It takes a lot of coaching. But, just like sports, it can become a well-learned play.
Parent: How is it scripted?
Dr. B: When either kid gives the signal, they stop and go through the script.
Parent: Which is?
Dr. B: Child #1 gives their argument in two or three sentences.
Child #2 summarizes what they have heard.
Child #1 tells #2 whether the summary is correct.
Then they switch roles and repeat the process.
Parent: And then what?
Dr. B: They go back at it.
Parent: Seriously?
Dr. B: Actually, if they do this scripted exercise, more times than not, they both calm down enough to listen and compromise.
Parent: So the signal? Is that like a flag in football?
Dr. B: Whatever works! Once they trust that the signal to stop yields good results, it can be transformative.
Parent: You know, this is just like saying “uncle” to stop the tickling?
Dr. B: I guess it is. I never thought of that.
