Dr. B: Do your kids ever put you in a no-win bind?
Parent: What do you mean?
Dr. B: If you give in to their demand, you feel used. But if you refuse, they feel hurt or worse …
Parent: Kind of unloved, failed, or abandoned?
Dr. B: Exactly! That sounds like a Lose-Lose for you.
Parent: Damned if I do, damned if I don’t.
Dr. B: I can tell why you’re frustrated.
Parent: So, is there any escaping these binds?
Dr. B: It’s a pretty powerful weapon for them, when they can put you in this bind.
Parent: So what do you suggest?
Dr. B: How you choose to respond is what you have control over.
Parent: Ok.
Dr. B: You need to find a way to keep your child from dumping the conflict into you. Remember the mantra?
Parent: “Keep the Conflict in the Kid” So how do I do that?
Dr. B: You said you feel forced to choose between two ‘damned’ options That’s the urgency you feel when they dump their problem in your lap.
Parent: Yeah?
Dr. B: So, instead of feeling compelled to choose between two bad options, you can take a stance of empathic neutrality.
Parent: What’s that?
Dr. B: You offer them empathy for how they are feeling. And understanding for why they want what ever it is. But you do not try to fix it or reject it.
Parent: So. I am just offering them empathy and understanding.
Dr. B: That’s the best you have to offer. And then you let them sit with it.
Parent: No amount of empathy and understanding would satisfy my kid.
Dr. B: You might be surprised. But if it doesn’t calm the situation, then you can state the bind you feel out loud.
Parent: What do you mean?
Dr. B: You might say something like, “Sometimes I feel like I am in a bind. If I say ‘no’ to you, you are going to feel hurt and that I don’t care. And if I say, ‘yes’ I’m going to feel used or mad at myself later.” Then just stop and listen.
Parent: You’re saying I should try to empathize without giving in?
Dr. B: Remember. It is possible to understand and empathize without necessarily agreeing. Understanding and empathy are sometimes the best you can do.
Parent: Hmmm.
Dr. B: Sometimes sharing the bind out loud can leave you feeling a little less pressured to resolve the problem.
Parent: Why do kids do this?
Dr. B: Often times it is a problem kids can’t handle, so they dump it in your lap.
Parent: So, do I need to wait for it to happen before I address it?
Dr. B: That’s a good thought. Talking about it when everyone is calm is usually a good idea.
Parent: So how do I bring it up?
Dr. B: Oh, just dig into one of the their greatest hits albums.
Parent: Ha. Like this?
“Mom, you need to let me go. All of my friends are going. They’ll be really upset if I don’t. I worked hard to gain their trust. I don’t want to go back to being lonely, with no friends.”
Dr. B: That works.
