Dr. B – How’s the talking going?
Parent A – I think the talking is helpful, but …
Dr. B – But?
Parent A – Let me finish. The talks are helpful in helping him understand what made him mad and what could have been a better way to handle things.
Dr. B – But?
Parent A – But … that doesn’t seem to do any good when he’s over the top angry.
Dr. B – When his brain is emotionally hijacked?
Parent A – Hijacked? That’s a great way to explain it. It really is like his emotions are calling the shots.
Dr. B – The fast thinking, emotional brain, not the slow thinking rational brain.
Parent A – There’s nothing “rational” about it.
Dr. B – So, you are saying, all the work with him on analyzing before acting …
Parent A – Is worthless if he is so emotional, he can’t think straight.
Dr. B – You are right. He needs to learn to calm himself when he’s emotionally overwhelmed.
Parent A – How does he end the hijacking?
Dr. B – What did you do when he had a temper tantrum at age two?
Parent A – Probably picked him up and held him on my lap until he calmed down. Why, was I supposed to be doing something different?
Dr. B – After he calmed down, what did you do?
Parent A – We probably talked about why he was so upset and maybe how he needs to use words next time. So, I got him to calm but didn’t teach him to do it himself?
Dr. B – I don’t know many two-year-old’s who can calm themselves.
Parent A – But he’s old enough to learn now.
Dr. B – The sooner he learns to calm himself the better.
Parent A – So, he doesn’t rely on drugs, alcohol, or some other external crutch when he’s grown?
Dr. B – Exactly!
Parent A – So, what do I do to help him gain control when he’s losing it (emotionally)?
Dr. B – There’s lots of things that help. Ideally, we want him to learn the early warning signs for when he’s getting worked up.
Parent A – You mean like, feeling irritated or impatient?
Dr. B – That would be great if he can learn to notice those precursors.
Parent A – I can feel when I’m getting angry. It’s kind of a whole body feeling.
Dr. B – The more you can help him tune into the feelings and sensations that let him know he’s getting angry, the better.
Parent A – So, it’s kind of like having a little dial for his mad-meter.
Dr. B – What a great image. You should totally use that idea with him.
Parent A – How do I help him calm himself when he’s overwhelmed emotionally?
Dr. B – If you catch him in the act, you can offer help that he eventually learns to do for himself.
Parent A – Like telling him to take deep breaths or count to ten?
Dr. B – The two of you can brainstorm ideas when you are both calm, and then you can prompt him when he’s in that state.
Parent A – That sounds great, as long as I am there (to provide the scaffolding).
Dr. B – If you can’t trust him to be alone with his sister, then that’s a limit on his freedom until he learns more self-control.
Parent A – Is there a recipe for learning emotional self-control?
Dr. B – There are some essential ingredients: recognizing the emotion; labeling it; knowing strategies for calming himself; analyzing what the emotion is telling him that needs changing, …
Parent A – Ok. I get the picture. Help him develop strategies for calming himself, so the thinking can start.
Dr. B – Yep.
Parent A – No problem.
Dr. B – Kids who don’t learn this emotional competence are really vulnerable when they reach adolescence when everything in their lives, inside and out, gets amplified. (pause)
Like they say in Chicago, …
Parent A – Vote early, vote often?
Dr. B – Close. Talk early, talk often.
