Parent: So, what’s your secret formula for parenting?
Dr. B: What do you mean?
Parent: Your kids are fine young adults.
Dr. B: You mean, they aren’t in prison or politics?
Parent: No, seriously.
Dr. B: The first answer is, I chose the right partner for raising them.
Parent: You are avoiding my question.
Dr. B: Then be more specific in what you are asking.
Parent: Ok. I feel like I have to nag and threaten to get my kids to do anything. It’s wearing me out and it’s not sustainable.
Dr. B: No, that’s not sustainable. When I hear you say nagging and threatening, I’m reminded of a secret formula I like to keep in mind.
Parent: Now we are getting somewhere.
Dr. B: Actually, it’s not so secret, but it can be very useful.
Parent: Let’s hear it.
Dr. B: I call it the Magic Formula of Motivation. Here, let me write it out for you.
Motivation = (I want) x (I can)
Parent: So, what’s with the want and can?
Dr. B: Let’s start with the (I want). If you are nagging and threatening, it sounds like it has to do with something you want rather than they want.
Parent: They want to play video games. They don’t want to do homework.
Dr. B: But if they have to finish their homework before they can play video games, then you will have put the WANT back in them.
Parent: Is this the Art of Parenting or the Art of War?
Dr. B: What’s the difference?
Parent: So, what’s with the (I can) part?
Dr. B: Well, with your new rule, your son may want to do his math but he can’t, because he is so far behind in the class.
Parent: Ouch. That may explain his avoidance.
Dr. B: When things aren’t working right, stop and check the formula to see if the want and can are aligned.
Parent: So, when the sportscaster says, “They just wanted it more”, is he drawing upon your magic formula?
Dr. B: Ha. Go ask a Cub fan about a hundred years of wanting.
