Parent – “Ask why”. Is that your mantra?
Dr. B – Ha. Maybe.
Parent – So when my kid uses blame as an excuse, I’m supposed to ask him to explain the “why” of his blaming?
Dr. B – You want your child to think more deeply about why he is blaming.
Parent – You said blaming is a defense?
Dr. B – Yeah – you want them to figure out what it is they are avoiding.
Parent – What are they defending?
Dr. B – Blaming is a good defense for everything. Your job is to help them figure out what bad feeling they avoided by blaming someone else.
Parent – Give me an example.
Dr. B – Well, if you blame the referee, you don’t have to feel bad about your team not being good enough.
Parent – We’re talking about my kid, not me.
Dr. B – Well, maybe your child didn’t do well on a test and needs to put the responsibility outside of himself.
Parent – So, be sympathetic, but don’t let him walk away believing his blaming?
Dr. B – Blame yields instant relief.
Parent – Give me an example.
Dr. B – If I strike out in baseball, I can feel humiliated or I can blame the umpire.
Parent – But …
Dr. B – But when I put the blame outside of myself, my motivation for figuring out what I did wrong goes out with it.
Parent – I knew this was going to take more than a minute.
Dr. B – If kids just avoid everything uncomfortable, they won’t stay engaged with the struggle that produces growth.
Parent – Stay engaged?
Dr. B – Yeah. As in developing resilience. Kids need to learn that those bad feelings can be tolerated and they can even put them to good use for motivating growth.
