Parent – You tricked me into using your I-E-B-R Analysis.
Dr. B – I did what?
Parent – You know. Analyze my son’s math avoidance.
Dr. B – I tricked you?
Parent – Yeah.
Dr. B – Jedi mind control?
Parent – Why didn’t you just say, “Go do the I-E-B-R thing”?
Dr. B – As in, ‘Here’s the recipe. Start cooking?
Parent – Yeah. It is kind of like a recipe for parenting, isn’t it?
Dr. B – Do you want to be a cook or a chef?
Parent – Huh?
Dr. B – You have all the ingredients and you decide how to put them together. The I-E-B-R Analysis isn’t just a recipe. It is a way of thinking about your child.
Parent – I come to you for parenting advice and …
Dr. B – Advice is what you get in a self-help book.
Parent – As opposed to your Jedi parent training?
Dr. B – You make it hard to stay under 60 seconds.
Parent – Oh, now you are blaming me?
Dr. B – Here’s a thought. Whatever your child does, no matter how screwy, it is being done for a good reason.
Parent – Screwy? And you were on my case for using, “blah, blah, blah”?
Dr. B – ‘Screwy’ is shorthand for inappropriate.
Parent – Ok.
Dr. B – I start with the assumption that there is a good reason for all behavior. We just need to figure out what that is.
Parent – Good reason?
Dr. B – How about functional reason?
Parent – I’m listening.
Dr. B – Behavior – like the example of your son’s blaming – is often in the service of trying to manage some intolerable feelings.
Parent – Like his possible embarrassment or shame?
Dr. B – Exactly. And, just as you figured that out, there is usually an issue that gives rise to those feelings that is not well understood or dealt with.
Parent – Like feeling judged by me?
Dr. B – Everybody wants to avoid bad feelings.
Parent – So, the I-E-B-R?
Dr. B – The R, your response, needs to come after you’ve figured out E, the Emotion and I, the issue parts first.
Parent – So, before I badger my son about not doing his math homework, I need to find out why he is avoiding it.
Then, shouldn’t it be B-E-I-R?
Dr. B – That sounds too much like ‘beer’.
Parent – No, that would be spelled B-I-E-R. Don’t you remember your high school German?
Dr. B – I’m glad you are taking this seriously.
Parent – Don’t worry. I’ve drunk your I-E-B-R Kool-Aid.
