Parent – So let me ask you again, without you blaming me. How do I teach my kids not to blame?
Dr. B – Blaming comes in many forms, for many reasons.
Parent – How about you just stick with plain vanilla blaming.
Dr. B – Let’s start with some soft-serve – blaming as a defense.
Parent – What do you mean?
Dr. B – Anytime you feel like your child is blaming someone or something to get out of taking responsibility.
Parent – So how do I respond to blaming when it sounds defensive?
Dr. B – I’d start by asking your child to explain what they are claiming. You know, the basis for the blaming.
Parent – You mean, ask them to defend their defensiveness?
Dr. B – Ha! Yeah. Basically. Ask them why the blame belongs where they are putting it.
Parent – Isn’t that a subtle form of criticism?
Dr. B – Not if you genuinely want to know their reasoning. Empathic attempts to understand are usually the best way to start … any discussion.
Parent – Then what?
Dr. B – Well, just keep asking, “why?”
Parent – Why?
Dr. B – Ha! Because you want to explore how blaming is helpful to them.
Parent – Oh, I get it. Help them understand how blaming escapes bad feelings.
Dr. B – That may be the reason, but it’s hard to get there.
Parent – Huh?
Dr. B – After you listen to the blaming, gently take that excuse off the table and have them wrestle with what is left.
Parent – So, ask them about other possible explanations?
Dr. B – Yeah. You can start with it being kind of a what-if-discussion. After a while you can ask them how it would feel if they had some role in the problem being discussed.
Parent – As in owning some responsibility? Sounds like it depends on the developmental age of the kid.
Dr. B – Absolutely. But even young kids can explore more than one explanation for an event. It’s an important basis for logical thinking.
Parent – And the emotional defense?
Dr. B – We all defend ourselves automatically before we even have those feelings.
Parent – I told you it was wired in.
Dr. B – Whatever.
