Parent A – You said punishable behavior should be followed by talks – to gain insight.
Dr. B – I don’t recall labeling anything “punishable”.
Parent A – I added that. You made it sound like I was supposed to replace punishment with talking.
Dr. B – Geez. Let’s compromise on this: Any behavior that needs changing needs a talk.
Parent A – So, our talks are to have three parts and we are trying to prevent worse problems in adolescence?
Dr. B – Yes. The three parts are basically: PREDICTION – TOLERANCE – ANALYSIS
Parent A – And the goals of all this talking?
Dr. B – Prediction leads to prevention. Tolerance leads to control. And analysis leads to insight.
Parent A – Come on Doc. We are talking to a 10-year-old kid, not a psych major.
Dr. B – Ok. Let’s try this: Know what you are feeling and why. Feelings are okay; you can learn to control them; and they don’t last forever. And lastly, figure out what happened and what you like to do differently next time.
Parent A – I get it: Know it. Handle it. Change it.
Dr. B – Your goal as a parent is to help kids learn emotional competence and self-control.
Parent A – And if they don’t?
Dr. B – Then they continue to rely on external means of handling things. They are external solutions to internal problems.
Parent A – External solutions?
Dr. B – External, as in: Prevention means avoid challenges that might frustrate you. Tolerance becomes, get stoned, so things don’t bother you. And insight becomes, go along with what other people say. And when all else fails, blame others for your problems.
Parent A – Yep. That sounds like my adolescence. But I survived it.
Dr. B – Would you willingly repeat it?
Parent A – Not a chance.
Dr. B – So, what do you think of this idea of talking more to your kids?
Parent A – It sounds like a lot more work, but if I don’t, then they won’t do the work of learning from their mistakes.
Dr. B – Ooh. I like the sound of that.
