“It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.”
So, what the “dickens” am I talking about? Well, bedtime of course. In some households, bedtime is the worst of times when it is a test of wills, fraught with threats and ultimatums that leave a child crying himself to sleep or the absence of wills, when parental neglect means they have the “dickens” to pay the next day. It is the best of times, when your child gets herself ready for bed and settles down for the night, enjoying the last part of their day with you. We want our children drifting off to sleep feeling safe, loved, and (reasonably) happy.
Need I remind you? Any good torture process begins with sleep deprivation.
A healthy Bedtime Ritual includes a set time to begin getting ready for bed and a set time when lights go out and it is time to go to sleep. Between those two times, beginning and end, the child has responsibilities to carry out, depending on their developmental age. A young child may get his pajamas on and cooperate with bath and teeth brushing. An older child may need to bathe, pick up his toys, and put on his pajamas without prompting. Regardless of what the expectations are, the child understands that once those responsibilities are taken care of, the remaining time before “lights out” is available for the fun stuff, such as reading or telling stories. The sooner the responsibilities are completed, the more stories can be read. And, … the child knows that the fun stuff ends at the appointed time.
It is a very simple process, that evolves with maturity in terms of times and responsibilities, but a very powerful parenting process. Lets look at it terms of the eleven developmental competencies. How many of them does the Bedtime Ritual promote? Can you think of how? Pick one and write one or two sentences explaining how that area of development is promoted with this Bedtime Ritual. (No fair looking ahead and copying off of my answers.) If you take them one at a time and think about how they are promoted, you will begin to think more deeply about the process of parenting at bedtime.
Developmental Competencies:
Relatedness
What a great opportunity to snuggle with your child as you read stories or talk about the day. Your child comes to trust that this time is special for both of you, which you look forward to just as they look forward to it. This constancy and genuine interest is what secure attachment is all about.
Curiosity
This is a time when your child has you all to herself and experiences your genuine interest in her and her day. Her curiosity is promoted as she asks one ‘why’ question after another during your stories or talks. Kids are born curious. Just keep it alive.
Empathy
When they tell you about their day, you have a chance to ask how they felt and empathize with them. As you read stories, you can show them how you empathize with the characters. Learning to be empathic begins with experiencing the empathy of others.
Communication
Isn’t that what story time is all about? Instead of just reading to your child and letting them passively listen, you have the opportunity to ask them questions that stimulate thoughts, ideas, feelings, and opinions. Asking your child to explain and elaborate, whatever the topic, promotes their ability to communicate effectively.
Emotional Competence
Reading stories, telling stories, and “how was your day” talks are great venues for exploring emotional awareness and expression. Asking your child how that character (in the story) must feel? Or, asking, “how did you feel when your teacher did not pick you to be the hall monitor?”
Genuine Self-Esteem
By joining them in their world, and listening with genuine interest and curiosity, we teach our children that their thoughts and feelings are worthy of expression. By letting your child grab hold of the story you are telling and give their own twist to it, they feel entitled to assert their ideas.
Internal Discipline
Learning to get ready for bed in time for stories is all about learning internal discipline. Instead of depending on you to prompt each step of the way, they realize that the shortest route to what they want goes through “taking care of business”. When your child lobbies for a later bedtime, you simply ask them to show you they are ready by taking care of responsibilities such as waking up, getting ready for school, and being on time for the bus, all without parental help.
Logical Thinking
Your child is never too young to begin learning about their fast thinking vs. slow thinking brains. The stories you read or the interactions they recall have elements for asking about how to problem solve logically, which is the start of developing self-control for the fast thinking (impulsive) kid (in all of us).
Creativity and Vision
What better time for your child to stretch their imagination in the form of story telling or developing a vision for what they aspire to as they tell you, “when I grow up I’m going to …”.
Moral Integrity
Bedtime can be a valuable time to talk about what happened that day – especially when something upsetting happened at school, or with a friend. You can help them problem solve a solution and your “why” questions help them get at solutions that are well thought out and healthy. Your child learns from your reactions to right and wrong behaviors, whether it is theirs or some character in a story. They care what you think and feel about them and their behavior. They can see when you empathize for others.
Responsibility & Purpose
It is never too early to ask your child what gives them pleasure, then satisfaction, and when they are old enough, purpose. When your child expresses concern about some issue, you can help them brainstorm a plan for greater involvement. For instance, there may be many planning sessions at bedtime that precede the follow though on adopting a pet.
