Parent: What am I supposed to do when my kids are fighting? And no, they are not just arguing.
Dr. B: Well, what do you usually do?
Parent: I usually send them to their rooms to cool off.
Dr. B: And?
Parent: What do you mean, “and”?
Dr. B: And then what?
Parent: There is no ‘and what’. They cool off and we go on with being nice to each other.
Dr. B: How’s that working?
Parent: Well, they haven’t been very nice to each other lately.
Dr. B: So you want to know how to handle the fighting differently?
Parent: Yeah. Isn’t that what I asked you A MINUTE ago?
Dr. B: If you send them to their rooms, the fight in front of you is interrupted, but nothing gets fixed.
Parent: Huh?
Dr. B: Well, if they were fighting, there must have been some problem between them.
Parent: Go on.
Dr. B: I usually get between the two kids. Then one at a time, I ask them to explain what is the matter.
Parent: And?
Dr. B: Let me finish.
Parent: So, finish.
Dr. B: When I have heard an explanation, I let them know that I understand their point and why they feel the way they do.
Parent: And?
Dr. B: And then I do that for the other kid.
Parent: So you summarize and empathize?
Dr. B: Good summary.
Parent: I hope that wasn’t sarcastic.
Dr. B: Wasn’t meant to be.
Parent: So, go on with your strategy.
Dr. B: And then I tell them to figure out a solution and then come tell me about it.
Parent: Does that work?
Dr. B: Most of the time. Sometimes I have to make sure each of them really listened when I “summarized and empathized” with the other person.
Parent: How do you do that?
Dr. B: I ask them to tell me what they heard.
Parent: And if they didn’t get it?
Dr. B: I ask the sibling to repeat it for them.
Parent: Until they get it right?
Dr. B: Something like that.
Parent: Sending them to their room sounds simpler.
Dr. B: Occam raised a dull child.
Parent: Huh?
Dr. B: Sometimes the simplest solution is not the best solution.
