Have you ever felt like your kid just put you in a no-win bind? If you give in to their demand, you feel used. But if you refuse, they feel hurt or worse – kind of unloved, failed, or abandoned? … need I go on? Have they even said as much?
This sounds like a Lose-Lose for you. Or, more commonly … “damned if you do, damned if you don’t”.
So, is there any escaping these binds? Maybe not, but you can find a way to keep your child from dumping the conflict into you. Remember the mantra?
“Keep the Conflict in the Kid”
When you recognize the bind, you can say it out loud, “Sometimes I feel like I am in a bind”. “If I say no to you, you are going to feel hurt and that I don’t care. And if I say, ‘yes’ I’m going to feel used or mad at myself later.
Then take a stance of Empathic Neutrality. Show your child that you understand why they want what they do and how they must feel, especially if you say, ‘no’. Then just stop and listen. You can empathize without giving in. (In fact, you should remember that it is possible to understand and empathize without necessarily agreeing.) Understanding and empathy are sometimes the best you can do. And when you are pressed, just repeat the bind you feel.
You can offer an empathically neutral response without labeling it a bind if you feel like doing so will derail your talk. It’s up to you, but sometimes sharing the bind can leave you feeling a little less pressured to resolve the problem – which more than likely is a conflict your child can’t handle.
For example:
Child: Mom, you need to let me go. All of my friends are going. They’ll be really upset if I don’t. I worked hard to gain their trust. I don’t want to go back to being lonely, with no friends.
Mom: “I can tell how important this is to you. I know how hard you’ve worked to make friends. I don’t want you to go back to feeling lonely. I also know how upset you are with me. Perhaps you can think of a way to get together with your friends that doesn’t involve late nights and no supervision.”
