Parent – I really hate when I see pushy parents.
Dr. B – Kids with their parents’ hand prints on their backs?
Parent – Sometimes I worry if I don’t push, my son won’t give his best effort.
Dr. B – Like in school?
Parent – Yeah. He gets mostly “B’s” and tells us that’s “above average” and “good enough”.
Dr. B – What are you worried about?
Parent – I don’t like making a fuss over grades. But if he has time to play video games a couple of hours a day, he can be doing better than getting “B’s”.
Dr. B – So, you say your son is just coasting in school. Not giving his full effort?
Parent – Coasting? Yeah. That word captures it. He’s just coasting.
Dr. B – What would you like to happen?
Parent – I wish he had a little more ambition. A little more drive.
Dr. B – Sounds like he has plenty of ambition in the video gaming world. So, the academic ambition is in you but not your son?
Parent – Seems that way. Got any suggestions?
Dr. B – What kind of student were you at that age?
Parent – Pretty much the same. B student.
Dr. B – Fair to say you kind of coasted too?
Parent – Yeah.
Dr. B – Do you regret that?
Parent – I guess I wish my parents or teachers had been a little more aware of my coasting.
Dr. B – How would that have helped?
Parent – I guess I could have used a little more encouragement.
Dr. B – What kind of encouragement?
Parent – I don’t know? Recognize I had more potential. Higher expectations.
Dr. B – You doubted yourself?
Parent – I probably didn’t trust I could compete. I guess that’s a fear of failure. I don’t know. I do know that when I got that kind of encouragement in sports it really helped with my confidence.
Dr. B – So what would you like to do with your son?
Parent – What do you suggest?
Dr. B – Maybe you should just find out about what he thinks of school, himself, his interests, his ambitions. Just get to know him better so you can understand the basis for the B’s.
Parent – How do I do that without leaving handprints?
Dr. B – Just be curious and genuinely interested in understanding him.
Parent – I don’t want to come across as manipulative.
Dr. B – Being curious about effort and grades doesn’t have to be manipulative.
Parent – What do you mean?
D. B – Chances are, your son tries not to think about these things, so just being curious and getting him to talk more about them will give both of you insight about effort and ambition, or lack of it.
(silence)
Dr. B (cont.) – Coasting or avoidance doesn’t fit with big ambitions. Go in search of what your son is passionate about and what he enjoys. Does he have dreams about the future?
Parent – So just get him talking?
Dr. B – That’s a good start. It’s a beginning.
Parent – Is that it? All I need to do?
Dr. B – Leaving handprints on their backs is not a formula for raising kids who are self-directed and think deeply about themselves and what they want.
Parent – And coasting?
Dr. B – Coasting is a form of avoidance, probably done rather automatically without much thought.
Parent – So I need to ask him about his coasting?
Dr. B – Coasting exists to avoid loss, frustration, comparisons. In other words, humiliation. So, you need to be mindful of that. Asking directly about coasting can be a good wake up call for some kids, but for many it would make them feel defensive.
Parent – Because it would be humiliating. So how do I challenge the coasting?
Dr. B – You want him to challenge the coasting. And that comes when passion and interests move him. In other words, ambition.
Parent – So being curious about him and his ideas stirs up his ambition?
Dr. B – Makes it harder to avoid.
Parent – How about the threats he is avoiding? The failure or humiliation.
Dr. B – If he shares his reasons for avoiding, ask him to talk about them. Most threats are more manageable than we give them credit.
Parent – You mean the world doesn’t end if you strike out with the bases loaded to end the game?
Dr. B – We can work on your issues some other time. Don’t get hung up on an agenda. Just be curious and get him talking about his ideas.
Parent – Even if it is video gaming?
Dr. B – Well, he is obviously ambitious about getting better at his video gaming. If you are curious about the gaming, you will learn a lot about your son and what motivates him; and why he is willing to tolerate failures as he strives to improve.
Parent – The old “join them in their world” thing again?
Dr. B – Funny how that keeps showing up.
Parent – And your “Analyze Before You Act” mantra? Where’s that?
Dr. B – Your son is not analyzing OR acting. That’s what you need to be curious about.
