Moral integrity is more than knowing right from wrong. It also requires caring – as in caring how others feel and how your actions affect them. Moral integrity is developed in children who experience empathy and respect. From their earliest moments they experience loving parents who understand and know how they feel, who can feel what they feel. As a child learns to communicate, they help the child label his feelings. They ask about those feelings, and then attach meaning to those feelings. This is a prerequisite to understanding feelings in self and others.
Parents set clear limits on behavior to protect a child as well as others. When a child’s behavior is harmful to others, those limits are enforced with empathic understanding of how the child feels and why they acted as they did, along with an explanation of the logical consequences of that action. But that process is also accompanied by one that reminds the child of the consequences to others of his actions. The child also sees examples of his parents modeling caring behavior with them and others. Within a secure relationship, parental disappointment in inappropriate behavior conveys an important message about what is an acceptable way to treat others. Similarly, experiencing a parent’s empathy for the victim of bad behavior helps the child learn to care about the consequences to others. As the child becomes old enough, queries about future behavior and potential moral dilemmas can be made and discussed.
Seeing how an admired parent or other charismatic adult in their lives struggles with and handles moral dilemmas can also profoundly affect what a child learns and chooses to do. Children benefit from good role models for moral behavior and clear guidelines for what that behavior should be. But most importantly, they must develop an ability to take the perspective of others and know how others would feel in those situations. Kids who care about others have the basis for moral integrity.
